"Nothing to Lose" by Pulley
As the song plays, we see images of wrestlers flying off of the scaffold. Evan Levine, High Flyer, Jax Stone, Syphon Fission, Kent Anthason, Sam Potright, Dane Wilt, Al Coholic, Ashton Cain. Each man falls from the heavens, dives off almost as if it was happening in real time. Tony Davis, Silverchair, Chris Anthony, Ken War, Cyanide, The Raging One, Mad Max. Each man flying off however they did so many years ago.
And then, the images of winners. Billy Larson jumping up in down in what he believes is victory, only until Phelen Kell throws his boot at him, knocking him off the edge. Gunnar Smith, HIT, and Fenix winning in 2000, the scaffold erupting in flames, Fenix, Gunnar "G-Dogg" Smith and HIT Jumping off together. And then last year, Samuel Potright leaping off of one scaffold down onto another with Christ air onto High Flyer, breaking the scaffold and sending both men to their doom.
It fades out to pictures of the current IWO roster, as an announcer overplays their name.
"And tonight's Main Event..."
"Schitzo Tod versus Nuke."
The camera fades out, as we see the IWO logo, with the shield, flashing onto the screen, each time with a thunder sound. Finally, on the final sound, a bolt of lighting hits from the corner, erupting it into a blue illumination of flames. It fades away, as the Pulley Song continues to play over the arena, following the camera all around until resting on Greg Parker and JT at the announce position.
GP: Fans of the IWO, welcome to May Mayhem 002, and folkIyear one look above us and see the ominous structure above.
JT: I know, it's orgasmic.
The camera looks up towards the ceiling, where we see a triple deck scaffold, a higher scaffold above two to the sides. A hell in a cell type cage surrounds the scaffolding, as we can pratically hear JT salivate.
JT: Oh boy, Oh boy! I just can't wait! Blood! Death! Destruction! Oh man, I think I need to change my pants...
Greg Parker takes a look over towards JT, and gives him a weird glare.
GP: I've known you for the longest time, and I knew that was coming, and yet I still wasn't prepared for that.... Folks, tonight at Mayhem will be a historical night to say the least.
JT: Yes, finally the wrong of Schitzo Tod as Champion will be avenged! Finally this injustice will be changed, and even if Seaman isn't the champion, that psychotic Nuke will restore SOME credibility before Seaman rips it off his shoulder~!
GP: Well, at least you aren't under the dillusion that Seaman will win the championship tonight. At least you have that going for you.
JT: Just because I said it was Nuke versus Schitzo Tod tonight, doesn't mean the winner won't be forced to defend against Seaman afterwards!
GP: Who's going to force him, you?
JT: Uhmmm, well... no, but I'm sure some good samarian like person, aka Thomas Ford, will know what's best for his company!
GP: Right, so, you just assume Seaman's better than either Nuke or Schitzo Tod?
JT: DUH! Like that needs to be said!
GP: Well, Seaman has demanded that his North American championship match shall be up next, and Hash hasn't complained. I guess it'll give both men a chance to rest before tonight's Mayhem match!
North American Championship
Simon Seaman vs. Harold Hash -c-
"Relax" by Powerman 5000 blares through the speakers as Simon Seaman makes his appearance amongst the silver confetti falling from the ceiling. Strolling out and greeting his supposed fans, he turns around to admire the mere sight of his eccentric entrance. Walking down the ramp backwards, he neglects the several insults and boos that emanate from the crowd.
Meygon: Fans, welcome to May Mayhem! This match is set for one fall and is for the IWO North American Champion. Coming to the ring at this time...standing six feet, one inch tall and weighing in at 233 pounds...he is the challenger...SIMON SEAMAN!
JT: Our prayers have been answered my friends. You don't even need a church. You don't need the pews, you don't need the holy water. You have Simon Seaman in the flesh and if you're not touched by that, you ain't human.
GP: Remember, folks. I stress this and I stress this greatly. The views of my colleague do not reflect those of the Internet Wrestling Organization, or more importantly, Me.
Sauntering up the steel steps very slowly, he basks in the glory of the hatred that fills the arena for him before entering the ring and posing on the second turnbuckle From there, "Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse hits the speakers as the fans rise to their feet to greet Harold Hash.
Meygon: From Raleigh, North Carolina. He is the IWO NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION...HAROLD HASH!
Walking down to the ring with a purpose, he goes down the aisle, up the steps, and into the ring in no time. Handing the referee his title, the two opponents glance at each other from opposite corners. Taunting each other from a distance, the bell rings to signal the beginning of the match.
JT: To quote the late Marvin Gaye, when I get that feeling I need sexual healing.
GP: I think you mean "let's get it on"?
JT: Sure. That works alot better.
Hash and Seaman lock up and a power struggle ensues before Seaman backs the champ into the corner. The ref forces his way between the two to break it up and Seaman obliges. Backing off, Hash motions for his opponent to lock up for the second time, but Seaman excuses himself for a moment and makes his way to the opposite corner where he dusts himself off and exchanges unkind words with the fans. From there, Simon finally decides to walk over to the North American champ. Raising his hand up towards Hash challenging him to a test of strength, Hash goes right in and gains firm control as his opponent drops to a knee in utter pain.
JT: I can't believe Seaman has to face this Harold Hash fellow. This is just atrocious.
GP: Well you'd think that some like Simon Seaman would be walking all over Hash being all high and mighty, but you'd be dead wrong, wouldn't you?
Increasing the pressure, Seaman drops to two knees but returns to his feet. Trying to escape from the hold, he eventually does with a well placed knee to the midsection. With Hash at a disadvantage, Seaman gets him reeling with a set of stiff right hands. Whipping him into the ropes, Seaman attempts a back body drop but is stopped by Hash who kicks him square in the face. Noticing Simon backpedaling, Hash bounces off the ropes again, but his momentum is used against him as Seaman lifts him up and sets him down throat first onto the top rope. With Hash trying to regain his composure, Seaman begins to strut around the ring a bit before putting the boots to his opponent. As Seaman helps him up and sends Hash into the ropes, the attempt is reverse. Trying to capitalize with a drop-kick, Seaman bats it away and drops a vicious elbow to the back of Hash's head.
JT: That title is so his. Well it was his before, but I think you get the message.
GP: Harold Hash against Simon Seaman here with the IWO North American title on the line at May Mayhem. Seaman's has had a small losing streak as of late, but things look good for him in the beginning stages of this contest.
JT: What you don't get Parker is that everything looks good if it's even remotely related to that man. Not only did he not create a fuss about losing his coveted IWO world title, he should be praised for having to fight in a match that isn't even the main event.
GP: What on earth are you talking about? Seaman is still bitter about losing the title yes our main event doesn't include him, but why should it? Seaman had his chance to get what he believed to be his back and he blew it. It's Schitzo Tod vs. Nuke and Seaman still has a shot in the actual May Mayhem match anyway.
Seaman pulls Hash up and sends him into the corner. Instead of the champ hitting the corner, Hash instead slowly walks up to the second turnbuckle and tries to float over Seaman as he comes charging in, but the plan fails and Seaman catches Hash's legs in mid-air and sets him down face first onto the top turnbuckle. Taking a second to retaliate to the fans' disapproval for him, Seaman keeps himself on task. Turning Hash around to face him, Seaman executes a stiff knife edge chop. Another follows and the challenger ends it there with a final one slapping both hands against Hash' chest. The sound echoes throughout the arena as Hash doubles over trying to regain his breath.
JT: You see that? Do you see that?! Seaman is doing what he does best and that is taking care of business. He takes care of business every day and in every way and you don't even need the song to tell you that.
GP: Seaman could very well be taking out his anger on the champion. Like we've seen in previous matches, a mad Simon Seaman or a determined Simon Seaman is a dangerous one.
Simon sends Hash into the opposite corner and then goes after him, but Hash throws him up and over his head. Seaman lands on the apron perfectly, but Hash elbows him in the face and he crashes to the floor below. With the rowdy crowd at ringside screaming in Seaman's ear, the challenger gradually gets up to a standing position, yet is driven back first into the security barrier by Hash. Laying in a few lefts and rights into the former world
champion, he continues the beating on his opponent. With a simple whip into the steel steps, Simon ends up on all fours trying to recuperate. Clutching his shoulder, Seaman gets back into the ring while Hash trails. In the
center of the squared circle, Simon pleads for Hash to be easy on him, but that plea is easily ignored. From there, Hash lifts Seaman up and tries to send him to the ropes. Seaman then reverses it and seeks to execute a flapjack, but the North American champion uses his adversary's momentum and connects with a stunning tornado DDT which riles up the audience. A cover by Hash gets two and he continues the offense with a scoop slam and an elbow drop.
GP: You have to be impressed with this kid. Harold Hash is proving to a lot of people here tonight that he's got the stuff. Big heart, tenacious, quick and agile...he has pretty much the whole package.
JT: Yeah, but he isn't Simon Seaman. I know what S2 is doing and that is the fact that he's playing possum for this wannabe superstar until he puts on what I like to call "The Seaman Show". I heard said show might even be
Seaman looks to cool down in the corner, but Hash prevents him from doing so with a Oklahoma roll which blindsides the challenger. Kicking out at one and a half, Seaman pops up from the canvas and stares at Hash with a confused expression on his face. Playing for the crowd, Hash taunts Seaman as they just can't get enough of it.
JT: This is unfair. Like Al Gore, the robot that he is, trying to dance and the American public having to witness it...this is unfair. The REAL IWO world champion is in no condition to compete here at May Mayhem. He is probably exhausted from living it up with the "fly honeys" on Saturday night and that is why Tom Ford shouldn't have even booked this match to begin with.
GP: Take a look at Seaman here. I'm sure he can't believe what is going on.
Excusing himself, Seaman adjusts his knee pads and then goes in for another tie up and gets the advantage. Sending Hash into the ropes, he drops down and his opponent steps over. As Hash bounces back, the challenger strikes him in the midsection and conjures up the strength to lift him up for what appears to be a powerbomb. Hash reverses it into a roll up which almost gets him the three count. Freeing himself from the pin attempt, Seaman quickly charges Hash in anger. The champion notices this and executes an arm drag. The challenger returns to his feet again and is met with another arm drag. Fed up with the match, Seaman slides out of the ring and starts to walk away as the fans get in his face.
GP: Seaman is leaving? You mean Simon Seaman doesn't have what it takes?
JT: My goodness gracious do you have it all wrong. Seaman is just going to get himself a refreshment. He will be right back, Parker. He will be right back. You know he's got to keep his skin soft and he can't do it by being dehydrated. You don't get that complexion overnight, you know.
Without a moment's notice, Hash sprints after Seaman and catches him with a forearm to the back of the head as he heads over to the entranceway. Bringing back into the ring against his own will, Hash proceeds getting in a few swift kicks before Simon rises to his feet and is brought back down to the canvas with a Russian leg sweep. The pin attempt gains a two count before Simon kicks out. Dashing over to the corner, Hash climbs up the turnbuckles, though Seaman sees this and shoves the ref into the ropes. With Hash in a great deal of hurt from landing hard onto the top turnbuckle, he leans forward, almost trying to get himself off of it. An alert Simon notices the possible opening for an attack and whacks Hash in the face with a sidekick right on the money.
JT: Vintage Simon Seaman right there. It can't get any better than that. Years from now, aspiring wrestlers will watch and only watch matches involving this great ring performer and will base their entire life around this specimen.
GP: I fear for the future of this world. God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Hash crashes to the mat and Seaman chokes him with his boot before releasing at the count of nine. Rolling him out of the ring and onto the floor in front of the broadcast table. Bouncing off the ropes behind him, Seaman executes a baseball slide which Hash bats, but cannot escape the discuss clothesline that follows. Mouthing off with the crowd at ringside, Seaman paintbrushes Hash as he attempts to get up. Grabbing the champion by the hair, Hash is driven head first into the announce table several times.
JT: One, two...friggin' buckle that sorry excuse for a human being's shoe. Three four...Seaman you better shut that guy's door. YEAH!
GP: You know he isn't even paying attention to you. He probably doesn't even know your name. I don't know why you do these things.
JT: He does so know my name. Remember when I accidentally punched my stomach into his fist? You saw him apologize to me.
GP: Now that I think of it, he didn't get your name right. What are you talking about?
JT: Come on, Gregory. You knew my name was Eugene Wong a long time ago.
Shoving him back into the ring, he goes for the cover with his feet on the ropes, but the ref spots this and doesn't even make the count. Simon and the ref share a few words before he whips Hash into the ropes and sends him
half way across the ring with a Japanese arm drag. With the champ in a sitting position, Seaman observes him for a moment before drop-kicking Hash in the back. Favouring his back, Seaman capitalizes with an aggressive
JT: When was the last time you've seen a surfboard stretch in an IWO match, huh? Simon Seaman isn't always fun and games and he's proving that tonight. Just ask his mirror. In addition to that, you know why you haven't seen a surfboard stretch in an IWO match in a while, Parker? Because people like you would rather see some guy talking nonsense to some cheap ass attempt for a laugh which has nothing to do with wrestling than actual wrestling itself. Shame on you, bandwagon jumper. Shame you on. Tisk squared.
GP: You are too over-dramatic. Get a grip for the first time in your adult life.
Wrenching in the submission hold, Hash endures the pain and almost escapes it, but Seaman gains leverage once again and sinks it in, digging his knee even keeper into his opponent's back. With the fans behind the North American champion, Harold Hash fights out of the hold and gets in a few right hands on the challenger as Seaman has a grasp of one of his arms. Trying to escape, Hash ducks under and waistlocks his opponent and tries for a German suplex, but Seaman instead ducks over and under and shoves Hash into the ropes. Backpedaling towards Seaman, the challenger connects with a neckbreaker and a pin attempt which gets two. Another pin attempt by the former IWO world champion gets two and a half and so does the third attempt. Frustrated and out of ideas, Seaman takes a minute to think things through before getting back into the match. Exiting the ring, he drags Hash's leg in the process and just lets him crash down to the floor below. As he makes his way over to grab the steel steps, Hash is seen slowly climbing onto the ring apron. In his peripheral vision, Seaman notices Hash regaining his composure and quickly sprints back to his opponent and trips off the ring apron as Hash's head bounces off of it. Bringing him over near the ramp, Seaman lifts him up for a powerbomb, but instead hoists him up and sets Hash down face first as the audience cannot help but gasp.
GP: Don't just tell me...did I just see what I thought I saw?
JT: He just face-planted Harold Hash from a Gory Guerrero Special?! What the hell?
GP: Hash's head simply bounced off the ramp! There's no better way of saying it. He's in a bad way right now. I hate to say it, but Simon might have it here. A new North American champion might be crowned here tonight.
JT: Two-time! Two-time! Cool, I said two-time two times!
Helping Hash up and rolling him back into the ring. Simon neglects to go for the cover and instead scales the turnbuckles. Yelling at the champion to get up, he stands on the top turnbuckle. The ref quickly checks on Hash who amazingly gathers up enough strength to rise to his feet. Slowly noticing where he is, Hash staggers around for a while and then finally turns around. As Simon leaps off the top turnbuckle, the champion catches the challenger square in the chest with a picture perfect drop-kick in mid-air. With both men down, the ref begins the mandatory ten count. Showing signs of movement at the count of seven, Hash turns himself over and drapes an arm over Seaman. He gets one, gets two, though Seaman in the nick of time gets a shoulder up to the fans' amazement.
JT: Shoulder up! Shoulder up! Seaman is still in this thang! The shoulder is up!
GP: Are you going to say that there's a match going on in that ring too? Sheesh, why do you feel the need to state the obvious?
JT: Cause I'm a virgo and I don't like confrontations?
Up at the same time, the two exhausted, but the determined competitors trade blows in the middle of the ring. Seaman bounces off the ropes and tries a clothesline, but Hash ducks. Coming off the opposite set of ropes, he swings around Hash and tries and gets in a waistlock. Hash sets in a few back elbows and almost escapes, but is then trapped in a northern lights suplex. The ref counts one, counts two, but can't count three as the champion kicks out. On his kneels incredibly tired, Seaman motions for the end of the match and slowly pulls up Hash to his feet. Setting up for the Vice Versa, Hash blocks it. Another attempt is stopped for the second time. Finally, Seaman kicks him in the abdomen and tires a hurancanrana and executes it nicely. Though his momentum is used against him as Hash rolls through and ref counts the one, two, three. As the fans rise to their feet to cheer Harold Hash, Simon Seaman just slides out of the ring in disbelief at what went down.
JT: NO! THIS CAN'T BE! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
GP: It can and it just did! Harold Hash has beaten Simon Seaman.
As the ref tells the timekeeper to ring the bell, he retrieves the belt and hands it to the Hash. Raising the champion's hand in victory, Simon just stands there with a blank stare.
JT: You can't do this to Simon Seaman, you hear me IWO! The greatest thing ever to happen to this company loses again?!
GP: Sing it out loud, my man. Sing it to the heavens. Seaman has been beaten once again.
Meygon: You're winner and STILL IWO NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION...HAROLD HASH!
The fans erupt in applause as Simon sneaks up on the ring apron and climbs the turnbuckles. With the belt back in the champion's possession, Harold Hash raises it up for the crowd to see and slowly turns around, only to be met with the patented Silencer. Quieting the crowd down, they waste no time to jeer at him there after as Simon leaves ringside in an extremely foul mood.
JT: You tell them, Seaman! You tell the world!
GP: You know, it's funny how you can't connect Simon Seaman and the term sore loser together in the same sentence. Wait, you can. Simon Seaman is a sore loser. Of the sore losers of the world, he would be the most sorest...if that's even a word.
JT: How about these words? Shut up before I inflict May Mayhem on your momma.
GP: Whatever...talk to the hand or something. Ladies and gentleman, we'll have more after this. Seaman loses again by the way.
JT: You want a face full of fist? Seriously, shut up or feel my wrath.
GP: You have wrath now?! When did you get that? Was it on sale?
Deadlier Sins(Jack Breaker & Jake Walker) vs. Disposable Heroes(Derek Edwards & Josh Klein)
GP: Well. The next match up is... hey, what's with that rumbling noise?
JT: Maybe mom's doing the laundry.
GP: Whatever. Anyway, next up, tag team legends the Deadlier Sins are set to take on the former IML3 tag champs and cult sensations the Disposabl... wait... where is that sound coming from?
Indeed, there is a very audible rumbling sound building up in the background. Suddenly, the stage starts to shake violently as the noise becomes lounder.
JT: It almost sounds like a truck or something...
GP: Wait a minute!? What's that?
A dump truck appears onstage. The crowd pops as it rumbles slowly down the ramp. It stops at the floor, turns slightly, and stops. The driver's side door swings open, and out steps Jack Breaker. He climbs up on top of the truck's cab with a microphone.
Jack: Hey, crowd. What's up?
Jack: Now, I suppose you all have one question on your mind, so let's not beat around the bush. Yes, I did get a haircut. You like?
Jake Walker pops out of the passenger's seat and joins Jack on top.
Jake: No, no. That's not really why we're out here. Uh. It seems that we have a grudge match here tonight against the Disposable Something-or-Others.
Jack: Now, naturally, we thought, "What's a grudge match without millions of fish?" Well, I'll tell you, not a very good grudge match!
Jack then reached into the window of the truck, signaling to Aubrey to release the cargo.
GP: What the hell is this?
The back of the truck tips, and tons upon tons of sushi suddenly fill the ringside area. Literally tons... the wave of fish almost reaches the top of the ring apron and slowly floods around the corners of the ring. Finally, with all of the sushi on the ground, Aubrey drives off, leaving Jack and Jake in the ring with "Cyclops Rock" by They Might be Giants playing.
GP: Well. This is probably the most annoyingly random thing I've ever witnessed here in the IWO. Somebody shoot me, please.
GP: ... put the gun down, JT.
JT: Dammit. So close.
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is a GRUDGE MATCH! In the ring at this time, former IWO and IML tag team champions, they weigh in at...uh... jeez, I'm really no good at guessing weight... uh three million pounds? Give or take a few. Uh... they hail from New Orleans, Louisiana and Chicago, Illinois, respectivley, and are accompanied by...
Aubrey rushes in from backstage and wades through the sea of sushi to take her place as the Sins' manager.
Meygon: ...accompanied by Aubrey Breaker, they are Jack Breaker and Jake Walker, the Deadlier SIIINNNSS!
"Cyclops Rock" continues to play as Jack and Jake pose on the turnbuckles.
Meygon: And the challengers, former IML3 tag champs, hailing from Portland, Oregon and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, they are the team of Derek "Fly Guy" Edwards and Josh "Southtown" Klein, please welcome the Disposable HEEEEROES!
"Cool Kids" by Screeching Weasel hits as the Heroes step out to a big pop. Josh carries their manager, a cardboard box, down with them as they try to hit the ring but become tripped up by the sushi. They eventually get to the ring and Aubrey rushes to the announcer's table to seek refuge from all the fish. The bell rings, and Jake Walker grudgingly retreats to the apron. Josh Klein does as well, leaving Jack and Derek.
GP: Well, we're being joined here at the commentary table by Aubrey Breaker! Welcome, Mrs. Breaker.
Aubrey: I like lemon jell-o.
JT: Don't we all?
GP: I don't.
Aubrey: You don't count, Gregory.
JT: ...okay, I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Jack and Derek start off with a collar-and-elbow lockup. Jack drops down and gut-wrenches, then lifts Derek up and slams him back down in a fierce sidewalk slam. Derek quickly gets to his feet, and Jack sends him into the ropes. Derek catches onto the top rope, hops up, and sails off with a missile dropkick. He connects with Jack's chest, and the two hit the mat. Derek quickly locks in a Boston Crab. He tries to apply pressure, but jack uses their 100-pound weight difference to roll him up.
GP: Derek kicks out! Incredible! Jack Breaker weighs in at around two hundred fifty pounds and some change. Derek is one-fifty soaking wet. That's a one-hundred pound difference there... Derek's got some strength in him!
Jack irish whips Derek again, this time running after him and clotheslining him over the top rope. Derek hits the sushi and sort of sinks into it.
GP: My God! He's drowning in there! Someone get him out!
Jack hits the top turnbuckle and flies off with a big big body splash. He too becomes inveloped in the sushi.
Aubrey: Hah. That's not the first time Jack's been drowning in sushi. `v^
GP: I'm not gonna ask...
Aubrey: That's probably a good idea.
Suddenly, Jack emerges from the sea of pink and white in an explosion of fish, Derek across his shoulders in a torture rack. He spins once, lifts Derek into a militatry press, and drops him down on the barricade. Derek rolls off into the crowd. Jack stands there laughing, and pops a handful of sushi into his mouth.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Jake Walker and Josh Klein are brawling. Josh has Jake backed into the turnbuckle, and is delivering a series of backhand chops. After one particularly hard one, Jake slumps down in the corner. Josh sets him up on top of the turnbuckle, climbs up. and hooks for a Frankensteiner. Jake pushes him off, and he hits the mat. Jake then bares an elbow and sails off the top. Josh rolls away, and Jake barely manages to put his hands out before he crashes down. Josh lifts him up and then takes him back down with a one-handed scoop slam. Josh then mounts the turnbuckle in a single leap and drops a leg from the second rope. He covers.
GP: Kickout! Jake Walker kicks out!
JT: Is there any reason why you had to repeat that twice?
GP: I like to hear myself talk.
Aubrey: But nobody else does.
JT: Finally! I thought I was the only one who thought that.
Aubrey: You are.
JT: ...but you just said...
Aubrey: I say a lot of things.
Jake and Josh lock up again. Josh snaps him down and locks in a front facelock. He hooks, lifts, and brings Jake down gut-first on the ropes. Jake falls off into the sushi. He gets up and is about to pull himself up to the apron, when Josh sneaks in a baseball slide, taking Jake back down into the sushi. Josh follows through and hits the fish himself. He and Jake both wade for a second, trying to catch their balance, then Jake suddenly swings in a short-arm clothesline.
We cut backstage. Jack Breaker and Derek Edwards are brawling in the arena lobby. People wandering around scatter as the security guards shepard them into a safe area. Jack grabs Derek by the back of the neck and slams him into a souvineir stall. The stall collapses, as does Derek. Jack retreats to where the fans are converging, and we hear a few drunken "WHOOOO~!"s as he grabs a potted plant and rushes at Derek with it. Derek steps out of the way, and Jack crashes into the wall. Derek sneaks up behind him, hooks around his neck, and nails a reverse running bulldog. He waves to the fans, then hops up onto a nearby landing and hits a corkscrew moonsault.
GP: My God! Did you see that?!
JT: No, I didn't. I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears going LALALALALALA really loud.
GP: ...why were you doing that?
Aubrey: ...Just don't talk anymore, Greg-o.
Derek hooks Jack's leg for a cover.
Jack gets a shoulder up. Derek brings him to his feet, and whips him into a doorway. He turns to the fans again, drawing a cheap pop, and turns to face Jack, who suddenly rushes out of the room with a broom. He swings at Derek's head, and he ducks. Jack swings again, this time connecting with Derek's ribs. Derek goes down on his knees, and Jack brings the broom down on his head. The broom snaps at splinters into pieces.
GP: Did you see that!? The broom just snapped and splintered into pieces!
JT: Yes, yes, Greg. Everyone heard the narrator's voice.
GP: *sniffle* I didn't.
JT: Well, maybe you should read the damned teleprompter.
We cut back to Jake Walker and Josh Klein, duking it out in the sushi. Right hand by Jake, follows up with an uppercut, but Josh counters that with a boot to the gut. Jake doubles over, and Josh slaps on a front facelock. He hops up onto the apron, and in one fluid motion, snaps back and spins around, driving Jake into the fish. He covers, and the ref dives in to make the count.
GP: Jake gets the shoulder up!
JT: How can you tell? They're buried under like a hundred tons of sushi.
GP: You were the one that told me to read the teleprompter~!
JT: Oh yeah.
Josh brings Jake back up, and nails an forearm to the jaw. Jake seems unfazed, until Josh goes for a second. And a third. Now Jake's stumbling back in pain, and Josh hits a diving shoulder block off the apron. Jake flies backwards and lands on the ground near the ramp, in an area uncovered by sushi. Josh delivers a boot to the ribs, and Jake rolls over onto the steel ramp. Josh picks him up into a standing headscissors position. He hooks around Jake's waist, but Jake suddenly springs into action with a double leg takedown, and flips over for a roll-up.
GP: That's a cover! Where's the ref!?
JT: He's still in the sushi.
GP: That's your answer for everything.
JT: Actually, most of my answers involve the words "your mom," in some form.
Jake, frustrated, releases Josh from the cover. He pulls him up to his feet, hooks around his neck, jumps, and slams backwards in a vicious DDT. Josh hits the steel hard but gets right back to his feet. Jake gets behind him and chops at the back of his neck. Josh stumbles back a bit, and Jake grabs his right arm. He threads it through Josh's legs, then pulls the other arm across his chest and lifts him up onto his shoulder.
GP: Jake's setting Josh Klein up for Everything's O.K! This could be ove.... WAIT! Here comes Derek Edwards down the ramp! Jake drops Klein and goes for Derek! Now Jack Breaker's joining in on the fray! It's an all-out brawl!
Indeed. Jack catches a stiff cresent kick and rolls off the ramp into the barricade, leaving the two Heroes alone with Jake. They're calling for something... Derek starts off with a high leg lariot, and Josh nails a low leg sweep..
GP: Condimensation! Condimensation!
Aubrey: Now now, Gregory. There's no need for profanity.
GP: No, that's the name of the move! Condimnensation! Josh Klein covers!
GP: What the... Jack Breaker's up! And where did that guitar come from?
JT: Just don't ask Greg. Don't ask.
Josh gets up and faces Jack. Jack quickly spins around and lands another guitar shot, this time on Josh's head. The guitar explodes in a flash of dust and wood. Josh goes down fast. Jack kicks him down the ramp, then hops up onto the apron and mounts the turnbuckle. He waits there, crouched, while Josh slowly gets to his feet, then...
GP: My GOD! No, Jack! Don't do it!
Jack sails off the turnbuckle, flipping 450 degrees as he catches onto Josh Klein's neck and brings him down on his face.
GP: THE HEARTBREAKER! THE HEARTBREAKER! JOSH KLEIN IS DOWN AND OUT!
Aubrey: Must you really shout like that?
GP: I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!
Jake Walker whips Derek Edwards down the ramp. Jake then runs down himself, and meets up with Jack just as he lifts Derek off his feet and brings him down in a backbreaker. Jake quickly hooks the neck, jumps, and drives him downward.
GP: The WRATH! Both Disposable Heroes are down! This is madness! ...wait a second, where's Jack going?
Jack starts to jog up the ramp, waving to the fans as he goes, leaving Jake and the two fallen Heroes behind. He disappears backstage for a few seconds, then returns, lugging a giant Igloo cooler behind him.
GP: What is Jack Breaker up to?
He reaches Jake, and bends down to undo the latch on the cooler. The cameraman moves in to get a closer look at the contents of the cooler. We see two largish trout, packed in a gernerous amount of ice.
GP: No! They wouldn't...
Jack grabs one fish; Jake, the other. They pull Derek Edwards up to his feet, then do the same with Josh Klein. They smile as the fans go nuts, then...
GP: CON-FISH-TO! CON-FISH-TO!
Jack covers Derek. Jake covers Josh. The ref counts.
*DING DING DING*
Meygon: Here are your winners, the Deadlier Sins!
Aubrey: WHOOOO~! ...I mean... uhm.. splendid.
"Cyclops Rock" by They Might be Giants blasts once more as Jack, Jake, and Aubrey retreat up the ramp. The fans pop big as they raise the trout triumphantly in the air, then throw them out into the crowd. The camera focuses on one lucky fan holding one of the trout up by the tail.
The scene cuts back to Donnie Daze's locker room. He is strapping on his knee pads for his match with High Flyer when he hears a noise coming from the other side of the room behind the large tri-fold board that people get dressed behind. Daze gets up to check things out. As he draws closer the sound becomes more clear. It sounds as if someone is giggling, but trying to hold it in. Daze knocks the tri-fold board out of the way to reveal a large man wearing a Donnie Daze mask squating in the corner. His pants are down and he seems to be going to the bathroom.....
Donnie Daze: What in the sam hell are you doing!
The man in the mask quickly pulls his pants up......then levels Daze with a GLASS DILDO! Daze falls to the floor as glass flies everywhere. He looks down at the fallen Daze, and then pulled out a small wrapper from his pocket, dropping it onto his prone body. Then, the man in the mask giggles and tip-toes out of the room "pink panther" style as the camera cuts back to the announcer's table.
GP: What did we just witness?
JT: That's obvious! Somebody stole one of Nikki's sex toys!
GP: If she was out here, you know she's slap you silly.
JT: Well, I wouldn't have said it if she was out here!
GP: Yes you would have.
JT: Well, yeah, true.
GP: But you know, what we just saw was a ruthless attack on Donnie Daze just minutes before his big title match with High Flyer! Who the hell uses a glass dildo as a weapon?
JT: I can only think of a few who are that....that......genius! I loved it, glass dildos should be the ONLY weapon allowed in the IWO!
No. 1 Contendership to the North American Title
Erik Blake vs. Capital Punishment
GP: The next match up tonight is for the number one contendership for the North American Title
Capital Punishment versus Eric Blake.
JT: Of course Cappy has a long history with the North American title holding it many times.
GP: This could be a very good match both men want the North American title and both are great wrestlers.
JT: Eric Blake and great wrestler in the same sentence?
GP: Well, he has improved and I think he has a good chance at beating Cappy in this match.
JT: Yeah if Cappy falls over dead in the middle of the ring.
GP: Well, we will just have to see who comes out on top
lets head to the ring.
The camera goes around showing the IWO fans screaming then it heads into the ring where Meygon is standing.
Meygon: The next match up is a one-fall match up and is for the number one contendership for the North American title.
The crowd starts screaming, because they all saw a ghost or something.
Meygon: Introducing first
standing 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighing 256 pounds from Chicago, Illinois
former IWO TV champion, ERRRRRRIIICCCCC BLAKKEEEEEEE!!!
Fight Music by D12 blast over the PA system. Eric walks out from behind the curtains and slowly walks to the ring as the fans are standing on there feet. Eric gets in the ring and poses a few times.
GP: Eric looks to be in great shape and very focused for this match up. He is going to be hard to beat tonight.
Meygon: And his opponent
a man who has held many different IWO titles
an IWO legend
"And Justice for All" by Metallica blast over the PA system and he walks out. He walks down to the ring he looks up at Eric then gets in the ring.
Ding ding ding
GP: And this match up is under way.
Both men lock up in the center of the ring but they break off. And Cappy nails Eric with a right hand.
GP: Cappy is not starting this match off slow.
JT: Well, he wants to win moron
Why would he start off slow?
Cappy sends Eric to the ropes then he hits him with a huge back body drop. Eric pops right back up but he meets a huge clothes line from Cappy.
GP: What an awesome clothesline he nailed Eric with it he almost took his head off.
JT: Do you really think his head was going to come off? I mean come on we aren't the WWF
or well WWE.
Eric stumbles to his feet as he gets to his feet Cappy goes for a spear but at the last second Eric moves out of the way and Cappy goes flying to the outside. Eric rolls out of the ring going after Cappy.
GP: Did you see that? Cappy thought he had Eric but at the last second he moved out of the way. What great awareness of Eric to know where he was and where Cappy was.
JT: Well, I even have to admit that was a good move by Eric but it still won't matter Cappy is still going to kick his ass.
Eric picks Cappy up and slams him down on the Iraq announcers table but due to great Iraq made products it doesn't break. Eric gets back in the ring and climbs to the top rope he looks around and then goes for a huge splash but at the last second Cappy rolls off the table and Eric crashes through the Iraq announcers table.
GP: SON OF A MOTHER! Did you see that?
JT: Son of a mother?
GP: Yeah. you don't like that?
JT: You know, if we were on pay per view, I'd smack you for not saying son of a bitch.
GP: ... Wait... how did you say that on cable television!?!
JT: Didn't you hear? Censors have gotten mad lazy lately.
GP: Well, anyway the referee is counting away he is at 7 if he gets to 10 this will be a double count out.
JT: I don't think are fans are that stupid to think that this match is going to end in a double count out.
Cappy rolls back into the ring and breaks the count. He starts to roll back out of the ring and he sees that Eric is lying there motionless. So he stays back in the ring and climbs to the top rope and looks around then jumps off trying to hit a splash just like Eric did but he misses just like Eric did because Eric moved out of the way.
GP: It looks like Cappy didn't learn from Eric's mistake I don't think these two are going to be going to the top rope again anytime soon.
JT: For once I think we agree.
Eric sits up and looks over at Cappy then gets up and he picks Cappy up. He slams Cappy's head into the guardrail. Eric then rolls Cappy back into the ring and follows right after.
GP: Finally this match is back in the ring.
JT: What you didn't like seeing both of these guys nearly end there careers by jumping off the top rope and missing?
GP: I didn't like it but it was sure entertaining.
Capital Punishment's able to get to his feet first, and stomps the returning Erik Blake a few times. Blake gets to his feet, and eye gouges Cappy, before Cappy let's loose with a wicked low blow kick. The refereee reprimands Cappy, as he then begins to lift Blake up for a Death Penalty, or a Jacknife Powerbomb. Blake attempts to wiggle free, and does. As Cappy turns around, Blake hooks his head, and drops in the center of the ring with the Highlighter.
GP: ERIK BLAKE JUST NAILED THE HIGHLIGHT ON IWO LEGEND CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!
JT: God is really taking a long vacation. First, Schitzo Tod gets the World Heavyweight Championship, Erik Blake gets a World Title match, and then Erik Blake is about to defeat Capital Punishment. It's these types of things that turn people into aethiests Parker.
Blake dives on for the cover.
Meygon: Your winner, and now the Number One Contender to the North American Championship, Erik Blake!
Blake's hand is raised, as he quietly makes his way out of the ring and returns to the backstage area.
"One Thing" by Gravity Kills.
GP: What the...
The fans shared Greg Parker's confusion, as the loud chords of the song eventually faded into the lyrics, and as they did so, a man that has not appeared on IWO television in nearly a year began his long walk down the aisle. Ironically enough, his last appearance on IWO television occured at this very card, May Mayhem.
JT: Is that... argh... can't think... c'mon JT, think. Get the thoughts of boobies and Meygon naked out of your head... fuck, can't do it. Greg, do the thinking for me, I have some jizzing to do.
GP: That's... that's Daniel Phillips, isn't it?
JT: That idiot? The idiot that helped cost me a thousand bucks last year? Damn him.
The fans weren't sure how to react, because most didn't even remember Daniel, and those that did either cheered or booed, giving Daniel a rather faint and mixed reaction. He entered the ring and grabbed a microphone, turning to the crowd with a look on his eyes that probably meant utter apathy.
Phillips: Well, well, well...
Daniel lowered the microphone and looked around. He noticed that JT and Greg Parker were still working for the IWO, and he walked to the edge of the ring that was the closest to them.
Phillips: Parker. So good of you to still be working here. What did you do, lick Tom Ford's balls enough to make him not fire you? Jesus, you are older than fucking Capital Punishment, and just as annoying. You, with your sorry, half-assed Jim Ross impersonation that isn't fooling anybody. At least there's more than JT than jizzing all over everything in the sheer thought of... dare I say it... "puppies".
GP: Not bloody likely.
JT: Shut up, let the man speak.
GP: Weren't you BASHING him a moment ago?
JT had no response for that one. Meanwhile, Daniel just laughed and moved the topic of conversation elsewhere.
Phillips: But hell, enough with the blatantly obvious cheapshots. Let's talk about the IWO! Oh, a story to tell. It seems that this company's gone to hell since I left. Actually, you probably don't even remember who I am, do you? It's like chronic Alzheimer's disease with wrestling fans. Either that, or blatant mental retardation. Not sure which.
Boos, quite a lot of them from the cheap heat Phillips just picked up by insulting the fans in attendance.
Phillips: I am Daniel Phillips. I was here for all of two months before a bunch of spineless dickheads decided to take me out of this company. Hell, I probably even have to remind you that I was Joey Malone's tag team partner during that time.
Big cheer at the mention of Malone's name.
Phillips: And since that time, well, this company doesn't exactly have a television deal, now does it? Aww, truth hurts, don't it?
Phillips paced around the ring before he continued.
Phillips: But see, this all started with an act of revenge on my part. Does anyone remember the main event of this pay-per-view from a year ago? C'mon. Everyone should. A little match called... Life... Death... and Endurance?
The fans pop, remembering the now-legendary World title match between Donnie Daze and Joey Malone that occured at last year's May Mayhem.
Phillips: And might you remember the fact that an old partner of mine, a certain... Joey Malone... won the World title there?
The fans pop, recalling that Malone had been victorious in the encounter and won his one and only World championship.
Phillips: Well, this should refresh your memory.
With that, the video wall turned to static and displayed some of the events of the match.
The fans start to go insane. Absolutely insane.
JT: What the hell?
GP: OH MY GOD! IS THAT... THAT'S DANIEL PHILLIPS! DANIEL PHILLIPS!
Nikki: PHILLIPS HASN'T BEEN SEEN IN THE IWO SINCE DONNIE DAZE PUT HIM OUT OF ACTION! JOEY MALONE'S FORMER TAG TEAM PARTNER IS HERE!
Daze gets up slowly and looks toward the entry way. His expression turns from frustration to absolute fear.
GP: LOOK AT THE LOOK ON DONNIE DAZE'S FACE! DAZE IS SHOCKED!
JT: GET OUT OF THERE, DAZE! PHILLIPS IS A PSYCHO!
Phillips races to the ring and immediately starts brawling with Daze.
GP: PHILLIPS AND DAZE ARE FIGHTING IT OUT! DAZE IS BEING ROCKED WITH RIGHT HANDS! PHILLLIPS WHIPS DAZE INTO THE ROPES! DAZE REVERSES! PHILLIPS DUCKS THE CLOTHESLINE, MALONE'S BACK UP! PHILLIPS LEAPS...
Nikki: FATED HURRICANE! THE FATED HURRICANE! THE OLD WINDS OF CHANGE FINISHER! MALONE AND PHILLIPS JUST DESTROYED DAZE WITH IT! DAZE IS DONE! DAZE COULD LOSE IT HERE! PHILLIPS SLIDES OUT OF THE RING!
The video cut off, as Daniel Phillips returned from his gaze at the video wall, to the gaze at the fans.
Phillips: As you can plainly see, he could not win it on his own.
The fans boo, some of them louder than usual, remembering that that move had not scored the fall, Malone's later Everest Cataclysm had done the deed.
Phillips: So, in an act of revenge, in an attempt to screw over the man that had screwed me over six months prior, I allowed Joey Malone to win that title, and send the IWO to its spiralling descent to Hell.
The fans booed.
Phillips: Oh, you boo me, but God forbid somebody tell you the truth. Face it, this company's really gone to Hell. Your HERO isn't here any more, is he? He's off in some wankerville called Action, having his face rearranged by a sick, shovelsexual bastard. Color me unimpressed. Meanwhile, you've got SCHITZO TOD as your World champion! SCHITZO FUCKING TOD! Is this some sort of sick fucking joke that God is playing on me? Have I done something in a previous life to bring about his wrath and this is his choice of punishment?
The fans continued to boo, louder and stronger than before. Whatever Phillips had said, it was striking a nerve with the crowd.
Phillips: This was my fault. My interference in allowing Joey to hold that title caused the IWO to become the butt-end of a lot of jokes in a lot of places. So, what do I do? Should I apologize? Should I feel sorry for what I've done? Should I run to the nearest sacred place and tell some idiot in a priest outfit that I confess? That I'm a sinner? Well, if you believe all that, then you can all go fuck yourselves. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. The only thing I have to be ashamed of is even setting foot in this ring!
Even more booing, which was steadilly increasing as time went on, and pretty soon, it was figured that the roof could collapse from the steady stream of booing.
GP: This man's comments are getting way out of hand.
JT: Shut up, let the man speak!
Phillips: But you know what? Against my better judgment, I'm here. I'm here, amongst these freaks and geeks, to prove a point. That point is that this entire fucking company is WEAK. From Tom Ford, to AWS Commish or whatever he's calling himself this month, on down to Schitzo Fucking Tod and Donnie Fucking Daze. And I don't know about any of you, but I don't want to live in a world where a guy like Erik Blake can think of himself as a contender to ANY title, and neither should any of you.
The fans continued their steady stream of boos for this *outsider* who was constantly bashing the IWO.
Phillips: With that said, I shall be on my way. It seems that there's a certain thing up there, *points upward, toward the scaffold being used for tonight's Mayhem Match* is calling for me to come up there and beat the fuck out of the whole roster. So, with that said, I bid you all adieu.
"One Thing" began playing again as Daniel Phillips left the ring to a booing crowd. Parker shook his head and turned to JT.
GP: That man has issues.
JT: C'mon, I have to agree with everything he says!
GP: Brown noser.
JT: Jim Ross wannabe.
Crusier Weight Championship
High Flyer -c- vs. Donnie Daze
GP: High Flyer was able to win the Crusier Weight Championship last month at Desperate Measures by defeating Sam Potright. And then he was abruptly stopped by Donnie Daze, and nailed with a vicious Daze and Confused. Tonight, Flyer defends his title against Daze in the normal Crusier weight Title rules.
JT: And those rules are rather simple. Piledrivers and low blows are banned, being tossed over the top accounts for a disqualification, and the winner is by two out of three falls... Wow, was the lamest cue card I've... *Realizes he's on the air* that I've EVER had the pleasure of reading Mr. President Ford.
JT lets out a sly smile, before "Makin' Money" by Handsome Devil cut off his look. The fans look towards the entrance rampway, as slowly out from the back, Donnie Daze walks out. He makes a motion towards his waist, as in the Crusier Weight Championship would soon be his, as he makes his way out from the backstage area.
Meygon: This next match, is scheduled to be contested under Lucha Libre rules, and is for the Crusier Weight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, hailing in from Port St. Lucie, Florida. He weighs in at 215 pounds, and is a former World Heavyweight Champion! Here is Donnie Daze!
GP: There is the challenger, Donnie Daze, who is making his in ring return tonight. It's been a few months since we last saw Matt RIVERS in the ring, however it's been even longer since we've been witness to Donnie Daze. Just a wonder what's going through his mind.
JT: Well, here's a notion. I want the Crusier Weight title. Is that good enough for you?
"Loco" by Coal Chamber plays over the pa system, cutting off the other song, as white pyro illuminates the dim arena. Flyer stands at the top of the rampway, holding the title around his waist
Meygon: And his opponent, he is the current Crusier Weight Champion, and weighs in tonight at 93 kilos. He has held every championship there is to hold inside the IWO walls... here is High Flyer!
Flyer quickly runs down towards the ring. He drops the ring on the outside as he slides into the ring, right into a couple of fists from Donnie Daze, and a bell ringing.
**Ding, ding, ding**
Flyer and Daze fires at one another before Daze blocks back into the ropes. Flyer grabs him after and elbow shot, and sends him off the ropes. When he returns, Flyer goes for jumping standing leg lariot, which is ducked by Daze. As Daze comes back off the other side, he slides underneath Flyer's legs. Daze quickly gets to his feet, and attempts to nail Dazed and Confused. Flyer twists his body, ramming Daze towards the nearest corner, and catches him in the midsection with a couple of shots of his own shoulder. Flyer backs off to get to a position he was able to attack Daze in, however Donnie is able to use his arms, and left over and takes Flyer into a sunset flip.
Flyer is able sandwich Daze's skull with a double kick to the head, as Daze rolls backwards holding the sides of his face. Flyer rolls towards Daze, and then pushes his shoulders towards Daze's knees and locks him in a pinfall attempt of his own.
Daze kicks out at the count of one.
GP: Fast and furious, Daze and Flyer going here hard right out of the starting gate!
JT: I think it's just insane. They're just trying to get a quick pin, and neither men are too green to get that to happen to them.
GP: Wow... an inciteful comment!
JT: When did you learn sarcasm!
GP: That wasn't sarcasm.
JT: Oh, sorry. It's hard to tell sometimes.
Daze and Flyer quickly get to their feet to a small chorus of cheers. They began to circle one another, as Daze raises his hand for a test of strength. Flyer replies, considering that Daze isn't as large as some of the men that ofer him a test of strength. As Flyer locks his hands, Daze took it and arm wrenches him. Daze then wraps his arm behind him, locking Flyer in a hammerlock. Flyer reaches from side to side in an attempt to snap mare him over, and when he finally grabs Daze to do the manuver, Daze is ready, landing on his feet.
Flyer gets to his feet, a little stunned, but concious enough to grab the thrusting side kick that Daze threw at him. Flyer held it there for a moment as Daze looked at him with wide eyes. He began to think over the possibilities, what he would be best settled to do, and decides to leap up in the air, not for an enziguri, but for a front dropkick like manuver. Flyer isn't expecting it, dropping the other foot and falling backwards, clutching his skull.
Daze looks over at the fallen Flyer, and grabs him by his two legs. Daze flips forward, pushing his weight onto Flyer's shoulders in an attempted pin.
Flyer is able to kickout at the last moment.
GP: Both men are trying their hardest to get the pin.
JT: Hardest? They haven't even tried hitting their signature moves yet!
GP: True, but they have been doing alot of pinfall attempts! Come on! Work with me JT on building the match.
JT: Not bloody likely.
GP: You're English now?
JT: Huh... What?!? What the hell are you talking about? British... hah, you've known me for so long, you know I'm not british!
Daze waits for Flyer to recover to his feet, and when he did, Daze hooks him again from behind, this time attempting to take Flyer over in a german suplex. It is successful, and as Daze held on, you could almost hear the chants of Chris Beniot ringing out amongst the fan goers. Daze however isn't able to pull him over for another one, as Flyer catches him with a few vicious back elbows. Donnie backs off, dazed in a not so pun-like fashion, before Flyer turns back towards him, and catches him with a vicious sit down Jeff-Hardy-style jawbreaker.
Daze bounces backwards from the impact, and lands back first in the turnbuckle. Flyer quickly gets to his feet, clutching the back of his neck, before he charges towards him. is able to duck however, as Flyer caught this at the last moment. Flyer leaps up to the top rope, looking between his legs for the recovering Daze. The fans gasp in attendance, looking for the Flying Moon Shot, but instead, with Daze looking away, Flyer leaps off with a corkscrew inverted 3/4 sit down neckbreaker. Daze slams down hard to the canvas from the impact of the blow.
GP: Woah, what an improv-move by Flyer in mid-stream!
JT: See, if he really would have wanted to win, it would have been a nice time for the Flying Moon Shot!
GP: Well, maybe they want a little exhibition for the fans? Show who's better not only in the one two three, but in the amount of gasps?
Daze reaches out with his hands, hooking the bottom rope before the three count, causing the referee to break up the pin.
Flyer gets up off of the pin, and being a little frustrated, began to stomp away at Daze. The referee however interjects himself, because repeated stomping of a prone victim is also part of the rulebook for the Crusier Weight Championship. Flyer grabs Daze up from the mat by his spiked hair, and double underhooks him. As he lifts him up, Daze was able to break free, dropping behind Flyer and catching him with Dazed and Confused out of nowhere.
GP: DAZED AND CONFUSED! DAZE HIT IT!
JT: FALL 1...!?!? SEE! DAZE WANTS TO WIN, not IMPRESS the fans...
Meygon: Your winner of the first fall, Donnie Daze!
The referee raises Daze's hand, but Daze quickly pushes him away. He re-covers Flyer in the hopes of ending this match early.
Flyer is quick to kick out, which causes Daze to decided to hook the leg this time.
Flyer once again gets his shoulder up, as this time, Daze hookes both legs.
Flyer gets his shoulder up at the last moment, as Daze gets to his feet in just a moment of frustration.
GP: So close, yet so far! Dazed and Confused won't put Flyer down for six seconds, Daze will have to hit him with everything he has.
Daze grabs Flyer up by his hair, and then slams down with a few right elbow shots. Daze continues for a few moments, and then hooks the fallen Flyer up into his old set up manuver, Further Paralysis. Flyer's prone, almost out of the ring from the manuver. Daze is quick to follow up with a cover.
Flyer gets his foot on the bottom rope, causing the pin to be broken. Daze gets to his feet in annoyance, and pulls Flyer away from the corner, before diving on top for the pin.
Flyer gets his shoulder up once again.
GP: Daze attempting to catch Flyer sleeping, but we all know Flyer's one tough invidual!
JT: Well, it doesn't matter how tough you are if you're caught sleeping. Your statements make no sense whatsoever! It's amazing you even GOT this job.
GP: I'm surprised YOU got this job JT. I don't think you even know a wrist lock from a powerbomb.
JT: A wrist lock involved a wrist, a powerbomb involves.... power.
Daze lifts the prone and beaten head and neck of Flyer up off the mat. Flyer clutches at the back of his head as Daze slams him skull first into the turnbuckle. Flyer's neck snaps back like whip lash, as Daze catches Flyer with a vicious knife edge chop when he turns around. Flyer clutches at his now beat read chest, and Daze rears back for another shot, stabbing Flyer once again in the chest. Flyer hunches over, out of breath from the shots from Daze, as Donnie then grabs Flyer by his hair, and whips him back into the corner, causing even more pain to Flyer's neck.
Daze stands up on the bottom rope, and begins to choke Flyer with his boot. Looking to inflict even more punishment, Daze then rears his boot back a few times, and repeatedly catching Flyer right under the chin. With the final blow, Daze drops down off the ropes, and Flyer fell forwards, clutching at his neck in a massive amount of pain.
Daze looks down at the fallen Flyer, and then drops a leg onto the back of his head. Flyer fell to the canvas and seemed unconsious.
GP: Daze has a gameplan, and although Flyer doesn't have a weak neck as much as people say he does, Daze's signature Dazed and Confused takes it right to the neck. If Daze can catch Flyer again with that move, it's most definitly over!
Flyer laid face up in the middle of the ring now, as Daze begins to climb up to the top turnbuckle. Donnie looksaround the arena, before he leaps off with the Daze Blaze, right into the chest of Flyer. The momentum took Daze flipping forward over, and almost entirely out of the ring. Daze slowly gets to his feet, a little disorientated, before diving on top for the cover.
Flyer gets his shoulder up at the last moment. This causes Daze to be infuriated. Donnie however didn't go to the referee, he slid to the outside, and pickes up a chair from the announce table.
JT: HEY! THAT'S FOR THE RANDOM WOMEN FAN I'M GONNA COURT TONIGHT!
Donnie Daze: You couldn't get anyone to sleep with you anyway.
Daze rips the chair out, and then slides into the ring. Flyer slowly regaines to his feet, as Daze brings the chair down onto his skull with fierce avengance. The fans gasp in shock, as the referee ran over and rang the bell.
Meygon: The winner of the second fall, HIGH FLYER!
Daze looks down at the fallen Flyer, and then, as the bell rang for the third time, went on top for the cover.
GP: DEAR GOD! DAZE JUST USED THE RULES TO HIS ADVANTAGE!
Meygon: The winner of the final fall, and the NEW, Crusier Weight Champion, DONNIE DAZE!
Daze walks over towards the time keeper, and brings the championship from Meygon. He raises it to the air as Flyer laid on the mat, holding the back of his head. Daze quietly makes his way to the backstage area.
GP: Donnie Daze just hit Flyer with a steel chair, which isn't technically illegal, but it is a disqualification. But it gave Daze enough time to dive on top for the cover, and for Donnie to gain the championship!
JT: Wow... I never knew Daze was so smart. I thought he was just this simpleton freak that knew nothing except how to gel his own hair.
JT: Well, I'm not even sure he knew that...
Tag Team Championship
Those Damned Mexicans vs. The Italian Mobsters vs. the Legion of Dairy
GP: Well, coming up next is an international tag team championsihp match!
JT: Yeah, stupid Mobsters who don't know how to actually run a mob syndicate, Mexicans who try to steal American's jobs, and... dairy products.
GP: That's a blunt way to put it JT. But each of these men are great athletes.
JT: I never knew a carton of alcohol was considered an athlete.
GP: He's not actually a carton of egg nog, you know. He's just some guy who calls himself egg NOG.
JT: I thought we were getting RID, of the weirdo's, not bringing them back.
Meygon: This match is for the vacant IWO World Tag Team Championships. Coming to the ring accompanied by YoGuRt, introducing cHEESE and egg NOG....The Legion of Dairy!
'Sellout' by Biohazard starts to play and YoGuRt walks out. Following him is cHEESE and egg NOG. They high five the fans as they make their way to the ring.
Meygon: Coming to the ring from Mexico! Diablo and Edguardo....Those Damned Mexicans!
Diablo and Edguardo walk out towards the ring as Red and Green spot lights pan through the fans zooming in on a few waving Mexican flags.
Meygon: And finally the third team from... well, it doesn't say where they're from. I think Greece or something. It's Joey Sooner and Mikey Capitali...The Italian Mobsters!
'Dupa Blocuri' by B.U.G Mafia starts to play. They walk out side by side and slowly make their way down to the ring their eyes are fixed on the four wrestlers already standing in the ring.
GP: This match has an international feel to it.
JT: Stupid foreigners. Taking all the ballet jobs.
GP: ... WHAT?!?!
JT: I mean...
JT tugs at his collar.
Joey and Mikey slide under the bottom rope and the other two teams jump on them. TDM start to stomp away at Joey as cHEESE kicks Mikey in the face. egg NOG bounces off the ropes hitting a quick elbow drop between the shoulder blades of Mikey.
JT No control in this match! Which is always a plus.
GP: The referee did a poor job there, he just let them jump straight into it, but the fans are going wild!
cHEESE turns round and Diablo hits a left hook in the face sending him up against the ropes he comes off but Diablo nails him again and then sends him over the top rope with a clothesline.
JT: Sucks to be him!
Joey Sooner kicks Edguardo in the stomach and plants him with a DDT. egg NOG nails Sooner with a clothesline and sends him over the top rope to the ringside area, as soon as he has hit the ringside mats cHEESE runs towards him and attacks him.
GP: This one has gone crazy, this is what happens when you add six crazy bitches and throw in the Tag Titles.
JT: There is defiantly a lot on the line here tonight. I hear the winner gets laid by Meygon...
GP: Doesn't Meygon screw everyone?
JT: Well, she blows everyone. She only screws winners.
GP: Oh, no wonder you're still a virgin then...
cHEESE sends Joey Sooner across the ringside area into the guard railings he hits them hard and cHEESE runs towards him hitting a big clothesline. Inside the ring egg NOG and Mikey Capitali are in the corner chopping each other, the referee is trying to get Diablo and Edguardo out of the ring.
GP: Those Damned Mexicans want in on the action.
JT: I want in on the action Greg. WHEN'S MY DAY IN THE SAC?!?
Diablo pushes past the referee and nails egg NOG from behind with a forearm smash he pulls him away from Sooner and sends him across the ring with an Irish whip, he bounces off the ropes and ducks a clothesline. egg NOG slides under the bottom rope and walks over to where cHEESE is beating down on Joey Sooner.
JT: The Legion of Dairy are now double teaming Joey Sooner on the outside!
GP: You could always get the Legion of Dairy to double team you?
JT: Like I'd dignify that with a response.
GP: Now TDM are all alone in the ring with Mikey Capitali who is sent into the ropes he comes off them and takes both Mexicans down!
JT: Big clothesline!
Mikey steps out on the apron he backs up and runs jumping in the air coming down hitting cHEESE with a big double axe handle smash. egg NOG turns round and starts exchanging punches with Mikey Capitali.
GP: egg NOG and Capitali are going at it, just in front of us now.
JT: HEY! I DON'T LIKE HAVING TO STAND WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS THE TABLE. I'm a lazy fucker.
GP: That you are... Wait.... what's Diablo doing?
Diablo runs towards the ropes he pulls back on the top rope and flips into the air crashing down on Mikey Capitali and egg NOG.
JT: Well, that's what he's doing!
Edguardo slides out of the ring hitting Joey Sooner with a baseball slide dropkick. cHEESE gets to his feet and drags Mikey into the ring.
JT: Finally it looks like there will just be two wrestlers in that ring!
cHEESE kicks Mikey Capitali in the face sending him into the corner. cHEESE hits him again before Capitali tries to get up. cHEESE hits him again as the other wrestlers fight on the outside of the ring.
GP: One half of the Italian Mobsters is trapped in the corner and there is no where to tag out.
cHEESE pulls up Capitali and sends him across the ring into the opposite corner, he walks out holding his lower back. cHEESE runs at him spinning him in the air with a clothesline.
JT: He turned Mikey Capitali inside out with that lariat!
Edguardo climbs onto the apron leaving Joey Sooner on the ringside mats, he steps through the ropes before the referee can stop him and waits for cHEESE to turn round when he does Edguardo hits him with a standing side kick that sends him straight through the ropes to the ringside.
GP: He kicked him out of the ring!
JT: There must have been some power on the end of that boot. Surprised, I thought Mexicans were historically weak.
GP: No, you just think they're poor.
JT: Oh yeah.
Edguardo pulls Mikey Capitali to his feet and locks on a side headlock. Edguardo takes Mikey down with a side headlock take down. Mikey then pushes the head of Edguardo into the legs of Capitali.
GP: Edguardo is locked in a head scissors.
Edguardo flips to his feet and escaping the submission hold. Edguardo runs into the ropes and jumps in the air hitting a senton on Mikey Capitali. Edguardo rolls Mikey onto his stomach and locks on a front face lock, he pulls Mikey up and hooks both his arms bridging back.
JT: Butterfly Suplex by Edguardo!
egg NOG rolls into the ring and rolls up Edguardo. Before the referee can even count one Edguardo rolls to his feet and locks a reverse waist lock on egg NOG. Edguardo lifts up egg NOG and throws him down on his front.
GP: Waist lock takedown and now Edguardo has egg NOG in a reverse hammerlock.
JT: For the moment it looks like things have clamed down a bit.
Mikey Capitali is in the corner, cHEESE climbs onto the apron but Mikey runs towards him clotheslining him, he turns round and grabs Edguardo lifting him in the air falling backwards.
GP: Big suplex on the Mexican!
egg NOG gets up and helps cHEESE into the ring they both start to attack Mikey Capitali sending him across the ring into the ropes, he comes off them and the Legion of Dairy shoot him into the air with a big back body drop.
JT: That was a big double team move.
GP: Did you see the hang time that Mikey got.
At ringside Diablo is choking Joey Sooner with a camera cable, he pulls him up and throws him into the ring steps. Diablo runs at Sooner and jumps in the air for a dropkick but Joey Sooner moves out of the way and Diablo hits the metal ring post.
JT: Joey Sooner grabs the head of Diablo and smashes his face into the metal ring steps.
Sooner leans into the front row and pulls out a chair, he folds it and hits Diablo in the back of the head. Inside the ring Edguardo comes off the ropes and takes down egg NOG with a lariat. Diablo throws the chair into the ring, Edguardo catches it but before he can nail egg NOG with it, cHEESE grabs the chair and turns nailing Mikey Capitali.
GP: He must have busted him open after that chair shot!
JT: We still have seen no authority from the referee, but that looks to change with him making Edguardo and egg NOG leave.
GP: Just cHEESE and Mikey Capitali in the squared circle.
cHEESE pulls up Capitali and sends him into the ropes he comes off them and cHEESE takes Capitali down with a drop toe hold. cHEESE runs into the ropes at his side tagging in egg NOG as he comes off hitting a leg drop.
JT: One half of the Italian Mobsters is still at ringside holding his head in pain.
egg NOG lifts up Capitali and sends him into the corner, egg NOG hits a big knife edge chop.
GP: That is going to sting in the corner.
JT: It certainly lit up the chest of Mikey Capitali.
egg NOG goes to send Capitali out of the corner with a hip toss but Mikey Capitali blocks it and hits egg NOG in the stomach with a knee. Capitali looks for his partnet who is still down at ringside and tags in Diablo.
GP: Capitali didn't want to stay in the ring much longer and had to tag one of Those Damned Mexicans.
Diablo enters the ring he kicks egg NOG in the face and runs into the ropes he comes off and hits a flying tornado DDT.
JT: egg NOG was dropped on his head!
Diablo goes for a cover:
GP: cHEESE runs into the ring and breaks the cover.
Edguardo runs into the ring he ducks a clothesline and comes off the ropes hitting cHEESE with a big kick to the nuts. Edguardo sends cHEESE over the top rope.
JT: Neither cHEESE or Edguardo are the legal men. Not like I care, just pointing out the referee's failure.
GP: Yeah, referee's hardly see anything at all.
Diablo scoops up egg NOG onto his shoulder and places him upside down in the corner, he backs up across the ring where Joey Sooner slaps him on the back.
GP: Blind Tag!
JT: That's cuz the referee's blind!
GP: No, it's in comparison from the man who's in the ring, the opponent compared to the person tagged.
Diablo runs across the ring and hits a baseball slide dropkick into the face of egg NOG. Joey Sooner enters the ring and runs jumping in the air hitting a knee to the face of egg NOG. Sooner pulls NOG out of the corner.
JT: Sooner hooks the leg of egg NOG...
GP: egg NOG kicks out!
Sooner pulls up egg NOG and sends him into the corner, he hits the corner hard and comes back out to the centre of the ring, Joey Sooner takes egg NOG down with a Japanese arm drag. Sooner quickly gets to his feet and runs into the ropes tagging Mikey Capitali on his way before dropping a knee to the head of egg NOG.
JT: egg NOG really needs to tag out, whether it is to cHEESE or anyone. Hey Greg, stick your hand out for a minute.
Capitali bends over egg NOG and lifts his legs in the air, he jumps dropping egg NOG on his head.
GP: Italian Piledriver!
JT: I can't see egg NOG lasting much longer in the ring!
Mikey Capitali hooks the leg of egg NOG.
JT: THR....egg NOG gets his shoulder up!
Capitali pulls egg NOG up and hits a big forearm to the face sending him up against the ropes, he hits another one before sending egg NOG across the ring, he bounces off the ropes before Mikey Capitali nails him with a big mafia kick.
GP: Mike Capitali hit him right on the money with that kick.
egg NOG rolls to his feet, he stumbles round not knowing where he is. Capitali comes off the ropes swings for a clothesline but egg NOG ducks and Capitali goes into the ropes, he comes off and egg NOG ducks another clothesline and rolls him up.
JT: School boy roll up!
GP: Mikey Capitali kicks out!
egg NOG falls into the Legion of Dairy corner and tags in cHEESE. He steps through the ropes and runs towards Capitali taking him down with a big clothesline, he stands near him as Mikey get sup and cHEESE nails him with another clothesline. cHEESE runs into the ropes at his side as Mikey Capitali pulls himself up on the ropes. cHEESE lifts up Capitali and slams him to the canvas.
JT: Big bodyslam!
cHEESE lifts up Capitali and snaps him over for a quick suplex. cHEESE goes for a cover.
Mikey Capitali gets his foot on the bottom rope.
GP: So many close pin falls here but still no winner.
JT: Thanks for stating the obvious!
Capitali pulls himself up using the ropes he leans against them before turning round where cHEESE hits him with a big clothesline over the top rope to the apron. cHEESE backs up in the ring before running towards him once he has stood up on the apron. cHEESE goes to dive through the ropes but Capitali jumps in the air coming down with a leg drop to the back of cHEESE' head.
GP: Mikey Capitali nailed him with that move in mid air!
Mikey Capitali enters the ring and goes to tag in Joey Sooner, Those Damned Mexicans have left the apron and now have a chair each at ringside, they both slide into the ring and connect with the Italian Mobsters at the same time.
JT: Two big chair shots!
GP: Mexican chair shots!
JT: OUR MOST VALUED MEXICAN IMPORTED COMMODITY~!
egg NOG enters the ring, Diablo kicks him in the stomach and Edguardo helps lift him onto the shoulders of Diablo.
JT: Double powerbomb!
GP: Diablo goes for a cover
cHEESE rolls into the ring but Edguardo kicks him in the face.
JT: egg NOG kicks out!
Edguardo goes for another kick, but cHEESE is able to catch it, before throwing the leg upwards and forcing Edguardo out of the ring from the pratical moonsault blow. Diablo turns around, and charges cHEESE, as cHEESE lowers his head and back body drops him up and out of the ring, onto the then recovering Edguardo.
JT: THE MEXICANS HAVE JUST BEEN DEPORTED!
cHEESE helps up his partner egg NOG, and then grabs one of the fallen Italian Mobsters, Mikey Capitali. They set him up near a corner, and lay him out in the middle of the ring with a vicious Double Rock Bottom, or also known as the Sell-Out
cHEESE dives on top for the cover.
Meygon: Your winners, and NEW, World Tag Team Champions, egg NOG and cHEESE, the Legion of Dairy~!
cHEESE and egg NOG recieve their tag team championships from the referee, as they raise them to the crowd. They quietly make their way to the backstage area, victorious.
Our cameras open in Thomas Ford's office room where Rob Kestler is playing "Star Wars". He has a double sided Darth Maul light saber, and he has a midget dressed as Yoda with a tiny pirate sword to defeat. Ford however, is nowhere to be seen.
Kestler- Take that foul demon!
Just as it seems Rob has the advantage, a large man enters the room, this time wearing a Rob Kestler mask and an "I love gorns" t-shirt. Kestler is too busy slicing the midget to bits to notice the man. The man in the mask sneaks behind Kestler and taps him on his left shoulder, but ducks to the right. Kestler turns and doesn't see anything. He shrugs it off and continues slicing and dicing the midget. This time the masked man taps his right should and ducks to the left, Kestler turns to the right and sees nothing again.
Suddenly the masked man grabs a hold of Kestler's underwear and delivers an ATOMIC WEDGIE! Kestler falls to the ground in pain, as the masked man pulls the underwear all the way up to Rob's neck, then wraps the underwear around Rob's feet, essentially tying him up.
Masked Man: Greetings from Plandeux sucka!
The masked man runs, jumps, clicks his heels in the air, and exits the locker room, much like in the Scooby Doo cartoons. This leaves Kestler wimpering on the floor. The camera cuts back to GP and JT.
GP: Ok, different mask, but same guy. What the hell is going on?
JT: I dunno, but how come there was no glass dildo?
GP: First Daze, then Kestler? It doesn't make any sense, they have nothing in common.
JT: This masked weirdo has to have some kind of point to prove. Maybe he's attacking everyone that SUCKS?
GP: Donnie Daze and Rob Kestler far from suck JT, you should know that.
JT: All I know is I love spaghetti.
GP: That's all you know?
GP: You know nothing else in the world? Not even how to talk or communicate?
JT: Yep..... I mean..... oh shut up.
GP: That's what I thought.
The Mayhem Match
GP: Fans, it's been one year since the last Mayhem match, and so much has changed in the IWO walls. In the past year, we've seen betrayal, heartbreak, defeat, destruction...
JT: Not to meantion months of pratically nothing...
GP: President Ford is the owner of the IWO, Evan Levine has left the board, and Simon Seaman...
GP: ...is being heralded as the next Phelen Kell. But through all of that, this ominous structure remains the same. A cage surrounds three scaffolds, rope ladders hanging from each end for the participants to come down to the ring. Two participants come down every two minutes, until forty have all made their way. The last man remaining on the scaffold is the winner.
JT: Pffft, that's what YOU think. I really doubt it, considering the past couple Mayhem's have had the scaffold falling down along with multiple winners. I'd be more shocked if the final finish had ONE winner.
GP: And let me guess... that winner'll be Seaman?
JT: Well, DUH! Like anyone can handle the sheer terrific-ness of Simon Seaman.
Meygon: Welcome fans, to May Mayhem!
The crowd lets out a cheer.
Meygon: This match is for a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship! Forty individuals will climb their way to the top of this arena, battle it out on three levels of scaffolding, and the last man standing atop shall recieve his championship shot!
A shot of the scaffolding, which was surrounded by a five walled cage. Four around horizontally surrounding it, and one overtop of it. The scaffolds are arranged in with two lower levels surrounding a three foot higher scaffold above in the center. The fans begin to click the shutters on their cameras.
Meygon: Three years ago, the IWO hosted it's first Mayhem Match on the evening of Owen Hart's death. Tonight, we honor his risk by risking our own lives for a shot at glory. And the entrant that drew Number One...
"Johnny" by System of a Down plays over the pa system as Meygon holds the microphone up to his mouth.
Meygon: Hailing from Tijuana, Mexico, and weighing in tonight at 220 pounds, here is one half of Those Damned Mexicans, Diablo!
Diablo walked out from the ring and raised his hands to a course of boos. He then snorted, before he slowly climbed his way up towards the top of the scaffolding.
Meygon: And entrant Number 2...
"Dont Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson replaces "Johnny."
Meygon: Hailing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and weighing in toinght at ... no, that can't be. Stupid Typo's. It says 220 pounds as well. Is someone playing a trick on me? *Sigh* Here is Tandem!
New recruit Tandem walks out from the back, and quickly climbs up to the scaffold. However, on the opposite side of Diablo.
Meygon: And entrant Number 3 is...
"Cool Kids" by Screeching Weasel plays over the pa system, as Derek Edwards quickly makes his way out from the back. He stops on his side of the ladder, and climbs up half way before raising his hands to the crowd.
Meygon: Hailing from Portland, Oregon, and weighing in tonight at 158 pounds, he is one half of the Disposable Heroes, Derek 'Fly Guy' Edwards!... And the fourth entrant is...
'Edgecrusher' Fear Factor replaces the demeanor from Cool Kids quickly, as another new entrant, Impact, makes his way out with a small light show. He quickly makes his way up the apron.
Meygon: Hailing from Hollywood, California, and weighing in tonight at 324 pounds, he is a new recruit to the IWO, Impact!
JT: I have a feeling Impact shall MAKE an impact in the IWO...
GP: Or maybe he'll make an impact on Derek Edward's skull. He's got a hundred pounds on these crusier weights inside the ring, it'd be insane for and of them to try to fight him one on one.
*Ding, ding, ding*
The bell rings, as Impact finally climbs up to the top of the scaffolding. He stands a good half of foot over Diablo, and just clubs him down with a vicious blow to the back of the head.
On the other side, Tandem begins to lay the boots into an oncoming Derek Edwards. Edwards doesn't have the chances to fight back, as Tandem then grabs him by his hair, and tosses him face first into a support chain. Edwards bounces back, a little dazed, as Tandem then hooks him into a Tornado DDT onto the wooden scaffold. It begins swinging back and forth from the impact.
GP: Ha, Impact with impact.. haha... I get it!
JT: It wasn't a joke. The "Narrator" doesn't TELL jokes, remember?
GP: Oh yeah.
Impact hooks a fallen Diablo up onto his shoulders, and charges, powerbombing him onto the second scaffolding. Diablo grimaces in pain.
Tandem is hammering away at Derek Edwards with a few right hands on the other side, but Edwards is able to catch him with a swift kick to the head. Tandem backs off and bounces into a chain, as Edwards dangerously kicks up from the mat. Derek grabs Tandem, and hooks him, driving him into the mat with the Fly Spot, or his inverted face first russian leg sweep. Tandem fell face first, as Edwards climbed up to the second level.
Diablo was just looking to get to his feet, as Edwards saw the huge Impact looking like a large beast salivating at his prey. Edwards leapt up, and used Diablo as a springboard, and hooked the top of the cage when he realized how large Impact truely was. Edwards held onto the roof of the cage in a little shock, and mostly fear. The fans let out a cry of amazement as Edwards hung from the cage, holding on with his two hands.
GP: Dear God! Derek Edwards looked to leap down onto Impact, but then rethought his decision in mid-air! He's hanging from the top of the cage!
JT: You think these people would have put the cage further away?
GP: Well, the cage isn't so far from, it's only about a foot above a six foot wrestler when you're on that center cage, but Edwards is only five foot eight. No matter, doesn't matter talking logistics.
Impact climbs onto the second level, the raised level in the middle, and reaches up, grabbing the dangling Edwards' boots. Diablo rolls out of the way, falling down onto the left lower level. Impact then reared back with Edward's feet, and then swung him forward. Edwards foot reached the top of the cage, and then Derek decided to let go of the cage, and fell down on top of Diablo with a vicious, almost shooting star like manuver, but done from the velocity of Impact's throwing.
GP: Dear God! Edwards was just thrusted off of the top of the cage in a shooting star press onto the fallen Diablo. Both men are down and both men are hurting!
JT: Thank you mister obvious! Edwards just fell down about six feet, and Diablo took the blow!
Switch to a wide screen, as we see Kyle Kash and Josh Klein slowly make their way out.
GP: Josh Klein? That gives the Disposable Heroes a distinct advantage here in the early goings!
Josh Klein climbs up onto the scaffold and helps Derek Edwards up to his feet. Diablo seems to look to get to his feet as well, as Klein and Edwards look at one another. High above the scaffold, Edwards and Klein nail Condimensation, a high leg lariot/low leg sweep combination, causing Diablo to crash back down to the scaffold as quickly as he tried to rise.
Kash climbs up at the other side, and catches a look at Tandem, who was just regaining his feet. Kash takes a look at him, and grabd him, nailing his OWN version of the reverse inverted russian leg sweep, also known as Withdrawl. Kash gets to his feet and raises his hands to the crowd, only to turn around into the large man known as Impact. Impact went for a huge roundhouse kick, but Kash was able to drop underneath, and catch Impact with a side kick of his own. Impact rockets back, as Kash took a running start and caught him with a huge dropkick.
GP: What a dangerous manuver up high on that scaffold. Remember folks, one slip and these wrestlers could plummet to their demise.
JT: Yeah. One slip and we're sued. Stupid careless wrestler's and their sue-happy relatives.
GP: No one's ever died from the Mayhem match.
JT: Yeah? Well, no one died going into the World Trade Center Buildings before Nine Eleven, now look at them!
Kash makes his way to the middle scaffold, only to catch a glimpse of the Disposable Heroes standing before him. Kash tries to run his way between the two men, but Klein was able to catch him with a vicious, swift low kick. Kash drops to his knees, clutching his genitals as the Disposable Heroes size him up for Condimensation as well. Kash regains his footing, and as Klein attempts to go for his high leg lariot, he attempts to early. Kash is able to catch him, and then jumps over the lower leg sweeping Edwards. Derek gets to his feet, a little stunned, as Kash tosses Josh into Edward's arm, sending him dangerously close to the edge. Edwards is trying to keep himself on, waving a free arm for leverage.
Edwards: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Kash: Just finishing the job.
Kash extends his index finger, and lightly pushes Klein backwards, sending both me flying off the scaffold and through the tables below.
Meygon: Eliminated, Josh Klein and Derek Edwards by Kyle Kash!
GP : That's the signal for the next two men to arrive ... and it looks like those men will be long-time IWO jobber Erik Blake, and new IWO jobber hopeful Banderas!
Blake and Banderas both walk down to the scaffold ladders and begin the climb. Meanwhile, Kash turns around with his arms raised in celebration, only to be caught around the throat by Impact, who got up and climbed to the middle scaffold while Kash was fighting the Disposable Heroes.
JT : Ha! That'll show him to mess with someone big enough to cook him in the toaster and eat him for breakfast!
GP : How does Impact being big make Kash small enough to fit inside a toaster?
JT : Um ... 'cause ... you stink! Ahahahaha!
Impact raises Kash in the air, preparing to slam him down, when suddenly Diablo gets to his knees and low blows Impact from behind. Impact releases Kash and clutches at his balls, only to get taken down with the Sterotyper (Edge-o-matic). At this point, Banderas and Erik Blake both make it to the middle scaffold. Banderas pairs up with Diablo, and Blake squares off with Kash.
GP : And there are two more men added to the fray!
JT : What a pointless comment.
GP : That's what I'm here for!
JT : For which I am here, Greg. For which I am here.
GP : Oh, shut the hell up with the damn grammar!
Blake begins pummeling Kash with right hands. After about five rights, Blake spins and goes for a big punch, but Kash ducks and boots Blake in the stomach, then hits a DDT. Meanwhile, Banderas locks Diablo in a sleeper from behind, but Diablo quickly mule kicks out of it. Banderas stumbles back a little, and Diablo turns and nails the Border Kick (charging superkick), sending Banderas flying off the scaffold. Luckily, he lands on the right scaffold. In case you've forgotten (or it was never made clear), the three scaffolds are arranged like _-_.
JT : How exactly did the narrating voice pronounce that?
GP : It's the narrating voice. It doesn't need to pronounce. Now stop talking about the narrating voice before you get us fired.
JT : Oh, my bad.
Tandem finally makes it to his feet, looks down at Banderas, and begins rolling him to the edge.
JT : Ha! What a cheap elimination! I love it...
Tandem rolls Banderas all the way off the side, but the newcomer grabs onto the edge at the last second and hangs on with his fingers. Tandem doesn't notice and goes to climb onto the middle scaffold.
Mike Marchese and Bungle are the next two men to come out.
JT : Oh, great. Here come two perfect examples of IWO's current pathetic state : a complete idiot who talks to himself and a fag in a bear costume.
GP : JT, you can't say fag! Gay rights activists will be all up in our ass ... not literally, I mean.
JT : ...So, what, you want me to say "faggot"?
GP : (Sigh) Just don't talk anymore. Don't talk, and we can't get sued.
JT : What about the JT rights activists, huh?!
GP : You don't have activists, JT.
JT : Not yet, but once they hear of this travesty, they'll be up in arms!
Marchese and Bungle both begin the climb up the ladders. On the top scaffold, Kyle Kash is fending off an attack from both Tandem, Diablo and Erik Blake. He turns from one man to the other with fists flying, but soon the triple-team assault is too much for him. Blake grabs Kash's arms from behind while Diablo and Tandem start delivering kicks to the midsection. This is interrupted, though, when Impact gets back to his feet.
JT : Wuh-oh. He don't look happy.
Diablo puts his hands up in a guilt-evading gesture, but he quickly gets run over with a clothesline. Tandem throws a punch, but Impact catches his arm and pulls him into a high-impact (Get it?!) short-arm clothesline. Impact then turns his attention to Blake, who thinks quickly and shoves Kash at Impact, who gets a boot up which fells Kyle. Impact starts to advance towards Blake, but Erik leaps off the scaffold and lands on the left platform. Mike Marchese is just reaching his feet on this scaffold as Blake rushes by him, bumping his shoulder into Mike on the way. Marchese sways backwards, flapping his arms like crazy as he teeters in a precarious position. He finally falls backwards, but does a backflip as he falls, flipping a full 360o and grabbing
back onto the ladder.
GP : That was a very close one for Mike Marchese!
JT : Not close enough!
On the other side of the scaffolds, Bungle climbs to the top of his ladder and spies Banderas, still dangling from the side of the platform. In an act of comraderie, Bungle helps Banderas back onto the scaffold.
GP : What a nice thing for Bungle to do. In a match where most contestants are looking to slit each other's throats, he- Wait, what the hell's he doing?!
JT : Aww, sick! He's trying to rape him!
Sure enough, Bungle is trying to wrestle Banderas to the ground, and pull down his pants at the same time. In an act of desperation, Banderas kicks Bungle in the head and gets away from him. He quickly scrambles up onto the middle scaffold, with Bungle in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, Impact has climbed down onto the scaffold that Blake jumped onto, and has chased him to the end of the platform, cornering Blake. Impact grins and cracks his knuckles as he advances on the cowering semi-jobber. As a last resort, Blake lashes out with a low kick ... very low.
JT : Damn it, there have already been more than enough attacks involving the testicles tonight!
The crowd counts along, then goes into a state of apathy when Eye Suk and Cockroach walk out from the back.
GP : Well, the next two men to arrive are veteran IWO Jobber of Jobbers, Eye Suk, and newcomer Cockroach, who is probably a jobber as well.
JT : Man, EVERYBODY in IWO's a jobber now! (Hastily) Except Seaman, of course!
The two men start climbing on opposite sides of the scaffold construction. Up on the platforms, Blake climbs back onto the middle platform, followed by Impact.
GP : That middle scaffolds getting more crowded than a ... than a ... back of a Mexican pick-up truck!
JT : (Shocked) Greg! I'M supposed to be the racist heel announcer, remember?
GP : (Embarrassed) I couldn't think of anything else.
Banderas, still trying to escape from Bungle, runs headlong into a superkick from Kyle Kash. Bungle backs off from Kash, who obviously has actual wrestling skills, but is grabbed by Tandem and thrown off of the scaffold. Bungle lands on the far-right scaffold and continues rolling. In fact, he would have rolled all the way off if he hadn't happened to roll right into Cockroach, who was just reaching the top of the ladder. Cockroach loses his balance and falls backwards, crashing through one of the tables at the bottom of the structure.
Meygon : Eliminated, Cockroach by Bungle!
GP : Cockroach just inadvertently took an elimination for Bungle!
JT : I'm sure he would have wanted it that way.
GP : How do you figure?
JT : I don't.
Meanwhile, Eye Suk climbs onto the same scaffold that Mike Marchese is on. Suk looks at Marchese, who is sitting Indian style and talking to himself.
Marchese : I dunno, Skip, are you sure you have the rules to this match right?
Skip (the personality inside Marchese's head) : Yes, Mike. For the last time, the winner is not whoever can sit in one place without moving for the longest time. Why do you think everybody else is up and moving around?!
Marchese : I thought they were just really bad at it.
Eye Suk : Wot ar yu dooeeng?
Marchese : Oh, hello there. Skip and I were just discussing the rules to this match. Do YOU know how you supposedly "win"?
Eye Suk : Uh ... uh ... Eye kil yu!
Eye Suk rushes forward to attack Mike, but he trips on a stray cable and falls flat on his face, knocking himself out.
Marchese : What a nice fellow.
On the middle scaffold, Diablo is getting to his feet, when he is suddenly grabbed by Erik Blake and thrown back towards Impact. Impact growls, catching Diablo by the head in a front headlock. He lifts him for an Implant DDT, but spins 180o and falls forward, snapping Diablo's head down.
GP : He calls that move the Reality Breaker!
JT : That's a pretty gay name for a move.
GP : JT's a pretty gay name for a person.
JT : Nuh-uh! You're stooopid!
Impact gets back to his feet, but by this time Erik Blake has ran all the way to the other side of the scaffold, so Impact just shrugs and goes after Tandem. Elsewhere, Kyle Kash climbs down to the far rightscaffold and starts attacking Bungle, who was sitting with his head between his legs, hoping nobody would see him.
The buzzer sounds, and the next two to enter are Twizzy and Rob Kestler.
GP : Well, our next two are Twizzy, the newcomer addicted to "Twistodium," and legendary IWO crazy Rob Kestler.
JT : Remember Kestler last year, hanging onto the scaffold by his toes for so long?
GP : Heh heh, yeah.
JT : Well I don't. Damn short-term memory! Why don't you just rub your great memory in my face, Greg?!
Kash grabs Bungle by the back of his costume's bear head and begins ramming his face into the side of the middle scaffold. He continues doing this until Rob Kestler makes his way up onto the platform and walks over to the two men.
Kestler : Hey, cool beans! Let me try!
With that, Kestler begins ramming his own head into the platform, doing so until he finally collapses.
GP : Well ... Rob always has been a few eggs short of a dozen.
JT : Try eleven eggs short of a dozen, and the last one is cracked and rotten.
GP : Indeed.
Twizzy climbs up onto the far left platform, where Mike and Skip are still having a discussion.
Mike : And *I* say that coconuts are, and always have been, made for eating!
Skip : Nobody's arguing with you! You've been saying that for the past five minutes!
Mike : Well, sir, you are a liar and a prostitute! And I *still* say that coconuts are, and always have been, made for eating.
Twizzy : Um ... OK.
Twizzy ignores Mike and climbs up onto the middle scaffold where Impact is pummeling Tandem on the ground with right hand after right hand. Twizzy decides to avoid him and goes over to where Diablo is starting to stagger up. Diablo turns right into a Twisted Opinion (Corkscrew Superkick to Chest) from Twizzy.
GP : Well, Diablo gets back up ... and goes right back down. I'd say he really needs his brother to come in and help him out a little.
JT : Psssh ... Mexicans. Hee hee hee! I'm so clever.
Impact grabs Tandem by the hair and tosses him down to the right scaffold. He turns around to look for his next opponent, when suddenly he finds himself being given the Highligher (Diamond Cutter) from Erik Blake.
GP : That snake Blake sneaked up on Impact and was waiting for his opportunity to cheap shot him!
JT : Heh heh ... "snake" and "Blake" rhyme.
GP : Are you high?!
JT : I don't know, am I?
Blake wastes no time in rolling Impact off the platform, where he falls through the space between the scaffolds and plummets through one of the ringside tables.
Meygon : Eliminated, Impact by Blake!
JT : Ha ha, I bet that hurt.
GP : (Sarcastically) No, you think?
JT : (Confused) I don't know, do I?
GP : Do you actually get stupider as the card progresses?
JT : Um ... juh?
GP : (Sigh) Never mind, I think I have my answer.
Back on the right scaffold, Bungle has somehow managed to get away from Kash and is hiding from the aggressive wrestler behind Rob Kestler, who has recovered by now from his self-inflicted beating. Rob is interposing himself between the other two.
Kestler : Hey, hey, we're all friends here! Why would you want to hurt this poor endangered species anyway?
At this point, Bungle starts to slide his hand down the back of Kestler's pants, causing Rob to go wide-eyed and leap almost straight up in the air.
Kestler : THAT'S NOT SILLY!
Kestler bolts, accidentally running smack into Tandem, who goes flying back from the impact, all the way off of the scaffold and down to the tables on the floor.
Meygon : Eliminated, Tandem by Kestler!
Kestler : All I wanted to do was be people's fwiend.
Kestler shows his trademark sad puppy dog face. The camera retreats to another corner of the scaffold, where Eye Suk is shown, handcuff himself to a support chain in order to stay on the scaffold.
JT: Wait... how in the world is Eye Suk still high up on that scaffold? Shouldn't he have been like... eliminated?
GP: I'm surprised he hasn't died yet... You know, that's what I miss most about the IWO of old, the random deaths.
JT: Yeah. It's like, ever since Ford's taken control, people can't wield chainsaws or buy explosive dynamite anymore. That's just not american.
That being said, Eye Suk spontaniously combusts.
GP: Well... I wasn't expecting that.
JT: DUH! We were just talking about how the random deaths are down, the Grim Reaper must have heard us!
GP: You aren't talking about THE, Grim Reaper, former IWO wrestler who's unretired thousands of times and never done anything... or the actual guy who's probably a minion of Gunnar Smith or something.
JT: Yeah, silly Gunnar Smith and his Satan like qualities.
Meygon: Eliminated by... Spontanious Combustion, Eye Suk!
The buzzer sounds as out from the back walk Saint Vitus and Bossa Nova, two recent additions to the IWO.
JT: Who are these people?!?
GP: Jesus JT, you never do your homework and you just assume everyone's jobbers. You know, one of these men could be the next Phelen Kell, the next Syphon Fission, the next Simon Seaman...
JT: WOAH! There is NO, next Simon Seaman.
Diablo finally regains his footing, and doesn't wind up falling back down. He sees Mike Marchese however, who's still arguing about cocanuts.
Mike: Ah, a true soul. Are cocanuts food?
Diablo: What the...
Mike: No matter. Do you want to buy a Time Share Summer Home? They're Great! Really great!
Skip: No one's going to buy your stupid time share house. The reason YOU have it is because you were stupid enough to buy it in the first place.
Mike: Quiet Skip! You're gonna ruin a sale!
Diablo shrugs, and dropkicks Mike Marchese clear off the scaffold.
JT: Stupid Time Share Programs. I have about four of them.
Meygon: Eliminated, Mike Marchese!
Twizzy gets to his feet, and sees Diablo staring over the edge at his handy work. As Diablo turns around to return to the battle, Twizzy hooks him around the waist, and then turns with his back towards the scaffold. He lifts Diablo up, and tosses him over the edge in a belly to belly suplex, or his Screw Loose manuver.
Meygon: Eliminated, Diablo!
Saint Vitus on the other side is begining to get in the mix, hammering away at Banderas. Banderas attempts to side kick Saint Vitus in the gut, but Vitus catches it, grabs Banderas around the waist, and takes him over in a wicked head and leg suplex, sending Banderas flying off the scaffold.
Meygon: Eliminated, Banderas!
GP: A few quick eliminations. Seems like things are getting a little hectic up top.
Kestler is still making his sad face when Twizzy walks up to him.
Twizzy: What's with the sad face?
Rob Kestler: That Bungle guy wanted to be more than friends. I heard about it with the birds and the bees from Cassie. She showed me a pop-up book that resembled things I sell in my store.
Twizzy: Well, I bet they don't sell this!
Twizzy shows one of the pills that don't make him a jobber.
Rob Kestler: Yeah, we sell Viagra like crazy. You wouldn't believe the amount of elderly men come into our store and don't even buy a magazine....
Twizzy stares at the capsule in his hand, and then takes a glance over towards Rob. Twizzy throws the pill into his mouth, before firing at Rob with a few right hands, sending him reeling. Twizzy goes for one final right hand for the elimination, but Kestler ducks it, and from Twizzy's velocity, he falls down to his knees in order to stay on the scaffold.
Enter Bob Job and one of the co-winners from last years event, High Flyer.
GP: Oh boy, things are about to pick up. I don't think we've ever actually had a winner return for a second go round, but a Mayhem match wouldn't feel right without Flyer here.
JT: He's gotta have this thing locked, until Seaman comes of course. Flyer's been in every Mayhem match there's been, and he's even won one. If Seaman wasn't included in this match, I'd consider him a lock.
Parker sighs as Bob Job climbs up to the top of the scaffold. He waves to Rob Kestler, who waves back, before Bob Job catches a glimpse of Bungle.
Bob Job: AH! A REAL BEAR! AIEEEE~!
Bob Job jumps off the scaffold and eliminates himself.
Meygon: Eliminated, Bob Job!
Flyer climbs up onto his end, and catches a glimpse of Kyle Kash. Kash goes for a right hand, but Flyer blocks it before going for a kick of his own. Kash is able to catch it, and attempts to twist Flyer almost like in an action movie, but Flyer catches Kash with a back heel when he goes with Kyle's original plans. Kash hits the scaffold, clutching his face, as Flyer attempts to throw him off. Kash however is able to keep on, and catches Flyer in the gut, before kneeing him in the face.
Saint Vitus goes to work on Bungle, locking in a sleeper hold, before driving him into the scaffold. Bob Job shrieks from below, as he catches another glimpse of Bungle, being escorted out of the arena.
Kestler has calmed Twizzy down, as he stares at Erik Blake, and Bossa Nova. Then, he pulls out a deck of cards.
GP: What are they doing? They aren't going to play cards, are they?
Bossa Nova takes a seat, but Erik Blake then grabs Rob Kestler, and nails him with a vicious version of his highlighter. Bossa Nova and Twizzy begin to hammer Blake though, for ruining their card game.
On the other side, Kash and Flyer are still exchanging blows. Kash lifts the groggy Flyer onto his shoulders, and attempts to nail him with Too Late, however Flyer's able to spin completely behind Kash, and lift him up off of the canvas for a back body drop. Kash landed hard, as Flyer rolls over, and lifts Kash's feet, locking him into an elevated boston crab.
Twizzy and Bossa Nova attempts to throw Blake over to the edge, but Blake catches each with eye rakes and an elbow shot. With Bossa Nova hunched over, Blake picks him up in a double underhook, and attempts to suplex him over. Nova wouldn't go for it, so Blake slams him down in a double underhook powerbomb instead.
GP: Erik Blake is actually doing rather well tonight. He defeated IWO legend Capital Punishment, and now, he's lasted rather long in the Mayhem Match.
Twizzy catches High Flyer with an elbow drop, and attempts to push the now fallen Flyer off the edge. Flyer however is able to lift his left leg and swiftly kick Twizzy in the head with massive amounts of flexibility. This allows Flyer to stay on, and push Twizzy away from him.
Blake lifts up the fallen Bossa Nova, and begins to slam him face first into the support chain. Quickly, he slams him backwards into the regaining Twizzy, in an attempt to eliminate both of them. However, neither men fall from the manuver.
Kash is able to get to his feet, and sees that the man who he had been fighting is down. Kash picks Flyer up by the hair, snap mares him, realizing that Daze had focused on his neck earlier in the evening, and then booted the back of Flyer's head with a right kick. Flyer clutches it, as Kash attempts to roll Flyer off the edge. Flyer however, uses the same flexibility, and kicks Kash square in the head with a vicious blow. As Kash is hurt, Flyer lifts Kash up in a double underhook, and neckbreaker drops him out of it. The velocity of the move sends Kash hurdeling over the edge.
Meygon: Eliminated, Kyle Kash!
Two new entrants from two sides, cHEESE, and Eddie Scott Poser make their way out to the ring.
GP: Well, there's Poser, who we just can't seem to get rid of, and cHEESE, one half of the World Tag Team Champions!
JT: You think that freak would get an actual job instead of pretending he can wrestle.
GP: Or fight...
cHEESE climbs up to the scaffold, as he goes immediatly after Flyer, shoulderblocking him in the gut before taking him down in a tackle formation. cHEESE looks to roll Flyer off the edge, but almost rolls himself off as well. cHEESE gets to his feet, before dropping a leg onto his neck. Flyer begins to gag from the leg that came down over his windpipe.
GP: cHEESE, one half of the Legion of Dairy, is taking it to one half of the legendary team of Team V.I.A.G.R.A.
JT: Imagine the draw of a match with their partners together. I'm sure it would rock the house.
On the other side, Eddie Scott Poser takes one look at Bungle and drops his jaw.
ESP: AH! IT'S A BEAR! It's almost as bad as that Rave Caprino or Villam Ender boy!
ESP goes to turn around, and leap off the scaffold much in the fashion of Bob Job, but Twizzy stands in his way, nailing a corkscrew superkick to the chest, sending Poser flying off the scaffold.
ESP: HEY! THAT HURT! YOU SHOULDN'T REALLY KICK ME~!
Meygon: Eliminated, Eddie Scott Poser.
Twizzy raises his hands in victory, until Rob Kestler comes out of nowhere, and throws at deck of cards at him. Twizzy backs up dazed, before Kestler pulls out a rubix cube, and uses it to deliver the fatal blow to Twizzy, sending him down off the scaffold.
Meygon: Eliminated, Twizzy!
Rob: AH! NO! MY RUBIX CUBE! I GOT ONE SIDE DONE!
Rob turns around, and gets met with the Highlight from Erik Blake. Blake then gets to his feet quickly, and rolls him off.
Blake: There! Find your damned cube!
Blake gets to his feet, and finds that the rubix cube is still up on the scaffold.
Blake: Wait... it's up here.. Oh well.
Blake pockets it, before turning back turns Bungle. Blake gets a little startled, before he goes right back into the fray of things.
GP: What an incredible match this has been so far, don't you agree, JT?
JT: Uh. I haven't been paying attention.
GP: *Grumble* Stupid idiots I get paired with.
On the lower scaffolding, cHEESE and Bungle are brawling. Right hand by cHEESE, but Bungle comes back with a stiff crossover clothesline, nearly sending cHEESE over the side. cHEESE manages to keep his balance, though, and drives a headbutt into Bungle's gut. Suddenly, Erik Blake crashes to the ground in front of them. We see Bossa Nova on the upper scaffolding, arms still raised in a military press. Erik picks himself up, dusts himself off, and leaps up to Bossa Nova's level. He struggles and kicks to get up over the side of the scaffolding, and cHEESE and Bungle each grab hold of one of his legs and pull them apart, wishbone-split style. Erik falls back to the lower level and writhes in pain. cHEESE kicks him weakly in the ribs, and Bungle drives an elbow into cHEESE's face. They begin brawling again, as Bossa Nova jumps down to face Erik Blake.
On the upper scaffolding, we see Saint Vitus, looking to join the fray. He's about to climb down, when High Flyer suddenly unleashes a high flipping dropkick, sending Vitus to his knees. Vitus quickly gets up, and Flyer takes him back down with a leg sweep. Vitus is sitting, and Flyer charges, grabs hold of his neck, flips and lands in a neckbreaker position.
GP: Incredible maneuver by High Flyer!
JT: Why don't you just shut up, Greg?
GP: Make me, bitch.
JT: Oh, I will! UNLEASH THE DRAGON~!
Flyer picks Vitus up, standing headscissors-style. He raises his arms, and the fans pop huge. He bends down, as if to hook Vitus's waist, just as Vitus springs up and nails Flyer in a front face pancake. The countdown appears on the Tron screen, and the fans in unison chant along with it.
GP: Who's next?
Donnie Daze appears on one end of the upper scaffolding and raises an arm to the fans. Jake Walker appears on the other side, and salutes the crowd with two fingers.
GP: IT'S DONNIE DAZE AND JAKE WALKER!
JT: Well, obviously.
GP: Shut up.
Daze immediatley goes after Flyer. He charges with a shoulder block, then a boot to the gut and a DDT. Saint Vitus comes in and lets rip with a forearm to Donnie Daze, and gets caught in a short arm hammerlock suplex. Vitus rolls off the upper scaffolding in pain.
Jake Walker, after milking a huge ovation from the crowd, rushes at Erik Blake and Bossa Nova. He spreads both arms out, flips off of the top scaffolding, and catches them both with twin back-arm clotheslines before crashing noisily to the scaffolding bottom. The noise of three bodies simultaneously hitting the ground sends the fans into a frenzy, and continue to pop as Jake gets to his feet, followed closely by Erik Blake. Jake boots Erik in the gut, but Erik catches his leg and hits an ensugiri. Jake hits the ground hard just as Bossa Nova gets to his feet.
Back up top, High Flyer and Donnie Daze are duking it out. Flyer is on the offensive with a flurry of karate chops to Daze's ribs. Daze stumbles backwards, and Flyer is quick to react, delivering a boot to the chest, which sends Daze toppling over. Flyer catches his legs as he falls, and locks in a stepover single leg crab.
JT: Ha! Idiot. There are no submissions in the Mayhem Match!
GP: He's trying to weaken Daze up, you dummy.
JT: Gasp! I...I..I'm a...d..d..dummy? Is that what you think? Well, let me tell you something, General Parkington! I'll tan your hide good, I will!
We cut to the lower scaffolding, where cHEESE and Bungle are still brawling. Bungle is sitting on cHEESE's chest and pounding on his face with some stiff shots. cHEESE is in agony, and Bungle refuses to yield. We see on the other lower scaffolding Jake Walker, Erik Blake, and Bossa Nova, still engaged in a vicious triangle dance. Erik and Bossa Nova seem to have teamed up against Walker, and join hands in a double clothesline. Walker ducks under their arms, grips the backs of their necks, and slams their heads together.
GP: Meeting of the Minds by Jake Walker!
JT: Jeez, I wish you'd stop stealing names from... certain unnamed federations...
Bossa Nova turns to face Jake, and catches a boot to the stomach. He signals for Erik to help him out, but instead Erik hooks underneath one arm, as Jake does the same. They lift him off the ground and deliver a double flapjack... off the scaffolding.
GP: TANDEM FLAPJACK! Looks like the only Mayhem Match Bossa Nova's gonna be winning is the one in his mind!
Meygon: Eliminated: Bossa Nova
Erik turns to offer Jake a high five. Jake instead grabs his arm and twists it behind his back. He swings for a chop to the shoulder, but Erik ducks, backflips, and armdrags Walker to the ground.
Cut back to the upper level. Flyer still hasn't relinquished his hold on Daze, and both men seem to be on the brink of passing out. Donnie has blood running through his hair from the unforgiving steel mesh of the scaffolding floor, and Flyer has sweat and tears running down his face. Suddenly, we see two hands reach up on the side of the scaffolding, and cHEESE shoots up, Bungle hot on his tail. cHEESE leans back, pivots, and connects with High Flyer's face via a superkick, and Flyer is forced to give up his grip on Donnie Daze. Both men fall to the floor, gasping for air. cHEESE grins wickedly as he leaps up, spreads his limbs out, and body splashes the two of them. Unfortunatley, Daze gets a knee up, and cHEESE grabs his stomach in pain as Bungle rushes in and drops a leg. Bungle then gets on top of him with a weak headlock.
Donnie Daze is almost back to his feet, as is High Flyer. Donnie gets up and braces himself on the small chain guard rope of the scaffolding. Flyer is on all fours, and suddenly charges with a double leg takedown, taking Donnie over the top and onto the bottom scaffolding. Flyer hops up on the chain and flies off with a moonsault to the bottom level.
GP: OH MY GOD! Did you see that!? Flyer has just risked life and limb for absolutely no reason! What an INSANE bump!
JT: No kidding.
At this point, Donnie Daze is borderline dead, and Flyer isn't faring much better. They're both lying on the bottom left scaffolding. Jake Walker, Erik Blake, and Saint Vitus are brawling on the other lower level. Bungle and cHEESE are on the upper level, with Bungle maintaining the upper hand. The countdown appears on the Tron again.
We see egg NOG appear on the lower level, and Gabriel Night on the upper. Bungle gets up from his position on top of cHEESE and charges Gabriel. cHEESE sidesteps and Bungle goes sailing onto the lower level. egg NOG climbs up to meet his brother cHEESE, and they slowly begin to circle Bungle. Bungle retreats, but is too slow and catches two simultaneous shoulder blocks. egg NOG lifts Bungle up in a sort of elevated bearhug. cHEESE delivers a leaping clothesline just as NOG delivers a belly-to-belly. Bungle grabs hold of the scaffolding at the last second before crashing to the tables below. egg NOG and cHEESE start jumping up and down, and the force causes Bungle to lose his grip and fall to certain death. Okay, not death, but something.
Meygon: Eliminated: Bungle
JT: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Bungle is the BOMB DIGGITY! The Legion of Dairy must've cheated... somehow! Yeah, that's it! Somehow!
We cut back up to the lower scaffolding, where Jake Walker is standing with Saint Vitus in a standing headscissors. He gutwrenches, and sets Vitus up with his neck resting on his shoulder - standing Mexican stretch. He spins around once, and falls back into a sitting position, ala the Purple Haze. However, as he sits, Erik Blake rolls under him and raises his knees. Jake lands on Erik's knees and abruptly drops Vitus. Erik pulls Jake up and hooks for a swinging neckbreaker. Jake hits the ground and curls up, while Erik raises his hands in premature victory. He stumbles forward suddenly, as we see the Legion of Dairy fly in from behind with flying elbows. They grab Erik and deliver a double facecrusher.
We go back to Donnie Daze, currently struggling to stay on his feet while putting the boots to High Flyer's ribs. His face is torn up and bloody, and he's breathing very heavily. Daze stops for a second, and Flyer takes the advantage to pull himself to his feet and sends Donnie reeling with a few quick jabs. He crouches down, and swings a wild arm out. He collides with Daze's chest, and drives him down to the scaffolding. Daze rolls off the scaffolding and hangs for a few seconds. Flyer stomps down hard on his one hand, and he relinquishes his grip.
GP: My God. Donnie Daze is hanging on by a thread! How much more can one man take?
Flyer leans back and is about to kick Daze's other hand off, when he is suddenly overtaken by Saint Vitus. Flyer hits the ground hard and doesn't get up. Vitus seems shocked; a rookie like him knocking down the grand slammer sensation High Flyer? He drops to his knees in celebration and screams out while the crowd pops for him. His excitement is cut short, however, as Donnie Daze hoists himself back up onto the scaffolding. Vitus quickly turns to run, but Daze catches him by the hair, viciously thrusts his head betwen his thighs, lifts him up onto his shoulders, and powerbombs him onto the upper scaffolding. The whole structure shakes on impact. Daze stares him down, and gets struck from behind by High Flyer. Flyer pulls Daze's head back, hooks him around the neck, and sits out as Jake Walker appears out of nowhere with a back elbow off the top scaffolding.
GP: What is Jake Walker thinking, going after two big shots like Donnie Daze and High Flyer?
JT: He's probably thinking, "Gee, I'd sure like to win this match". Dumbass.
Jake and Daze shake it up for a second. Donnie has no trouble tossing around the 220-pound cruiserweight, and before long, Jake retreats to match up against someone more his own size; namely, High Flyer. They lock up, and Jake immediatley shoots in for a leg. He catches it, and delivers a capture suplex. He gets back to his feet, and allows Flyer to do the same before catching him with a front karate kick, and scooping him up for a scoop slam. As be brings him down, Flyer gets hold of his neck and reverses it into a DDT. Flyer stands over Jake as the countdown appears again.
Donnie Daze charges Flyer with a sneaky forearm to the back.
Daze charges again, and this time gets caught with a hip toss.
Daze and Flyer lock horns. Flyer goes for a body tackle, but Daze reverses it with a spinebuster.
GP: There's the bell! Who's comming out next?
We see xXx climbing up onto one scaffolding, while Ash Robinson approaches on the other side. They both reach the top at the same time, and rush at each other. They go into a collar-and-elbow lockup. xXx raises a knee to Ash's gut. Ash doubles over, and xXx breaks up the hold, snaps on a front facelock, and hooks for a Saito suplex. Ash goes down, and xXx drops a fist on his face. A small stream of blood begins to trickle out of Ash's nose, and it sends him into a frenzy. He jumps up, pounds his boot into xXx's gut. Rather than double up, xXx falls backwards from the force of the kick. Ash gets on top and locks in a brutal crossface. He thrusts his arm across xXx's face, and clamps down on his head. He pulls them both up, and lets loose with a sort of Tazzplex-style suplex.
Donnie Daze and High Flyer are still going at it, now on the upper scaffolding. Flyer is on his feet and Donnie is on his knees in front of him. Flyer is cutting into Daze with some stiff backhand slaps to the chest. Daze tries to get to his feet, but Flyer keeps him down and drives an elbow straight down onto his head. Daze sprawls out on the ground, and Flyer splashes on top of him.
GP: I have nothing to say right now.
JT: Well, why don't you just not say anything?
GP: ...That thought never crossed my mind.
We cross back over to the bottom scaffoldings. To the left, xXx and Ash Robinson are brawling. On the right, the Legion of Dairy are fending off Erik Blake, Saint Vitus, and Gabriel Night. Jake Walker is hanging under one of the lower scaffoldings by his ankles, apparently taking a nap. The camera focuses on the Legion of Dairy. They have Erik Blake up in a double military press. They drop him into the steel, and he really seems to be in trouble. Gabriel Night turns to face egg NOG, and they stare each other down. Suddenly, he strikes. But rather than attacking egg NOG, he swings backwards and smacks Saint Vitus, who had been standing behind him. He turns to face Vity, and the Legion strike. They lift him up on their shoulders, like a double electric chair, then spin and smash him into the edge of the upper landing. He grabs hold and pulls himself up top to escape the brawling men down below. The Legion then split up, egg NOG going after Erik Blake and cHEESE focusing on Saint Vitus.
We cut back to the upper level and focus on Donnie Daze. His face is covered with blood mixed with sweat, and he has large wounds on his forehead and cheeks. He's lying on the scaffolding in agony. Next to him lays High Flyer, face-down and with bruises and cuts all over his exposed back and shoulders. Donnie starts to stir, slowly at first, and the crowd clearly isn't backing him. They're practically screaming Flyer's name, hoping beyond hope that he'll get his second wind, but it's just not comming. Donnie's now on his feet, and he pulls Flyer angrily up. A few quick jabs to the face, and then...
GP: Dazed and Confused! Donnie just nailed the Dazed and Confused on High Flyer! What a battle these two are having up there!
JT: I've got to admit, it's not looking good for High Flyer. We haven't seen an elimination in a while... it's only a matter of time now!
Both men collapse again, and we cut once more to the lower scaffolding. egg NOG has Erik Blake up, and they're sort of dancing. Along comes Jake Walker, fresh from his nap and intent on something. Bam, bam. Right hands to egg NOG and Blake, and he takes them down with a split-legged dropkick. cHEESE runs in, and catches Walker in a headlock. Jake squirms to get free, but cHEESE is relentless and takes in with a few shoulder thrusts. Jake drops to his knees, and cHEESE sits down suddenly and slams a forearm into his face.
We cut to the upper landing. Ash Robinson, blood still dripping from his nose, is tearing into xXx like a man posessed. Chop after chop, jab after jab, each shot bringing xXx closer to the edge. Ash is on fire, and then... bam. The superkick. xXx goes flying over the top and drops like a stone to the waiting tables below.
Meygon: Eliminated: xXx
Now Ash runs off in search of more action. He runs into Saint Vitus and cHEESE. He over-ambitiously goes for a double clothesline, and Vitus takes him down with an armbar takedown. cHEESE turns around just in time to see Gabriel Night rushing at him. He manages to get the big boot up, stopping Gabriel's progress. He then takes him down with a DDT. We see Ash Robinson fly in from offscreen, and cHEESE starts stomping on him. Before long, a huge brawl erupts between the four guys on the scaffolding. cHEESE takes Ash Robinson out, while Saint Vitus takes it to Gabriel Night. Vitus locks in a front facelock. Gabriel Night drives with his shoulder and tackles Vitus to the mesh. Vitus rolls off the scaffolding and barely manages to catch on to the edge.
GP: Isn't this incredible!?
JT: Do you HAVE to keep saying that?
GP: It's in my contract, yeah.
JT: ...Damn you!
Vitus struggles back up over the edge, but nearly gets shaken off again by the force of Donnie Daze's body suddenly crashing to the ground next to him. From above, we see High Flyer, reaching the apex of a huuuuuuuge arcing elbowdrop. He connects, and the scaffolding begins to sway. One of the supports snaps loose, and the whole structure tilts slightly. Donnie starts passivley rolling off, as the rest of the men leap up to the top level.
GP: The scaffolding can't take all that weight! It's falling!
Donnie Daze is in trouble. He can't seem to get to his feet, and also can't prevent himself from slipping down the tilted surface of the broken scaffolding. He catches on and hangs off the edge for dear life.
GP: Donnie's in trouble! But he's not giving up! What intensity! What passion!
JT: What a load of bullcrap! That's what you're full of, Gregy boy: bullcrap.
On the upper level, Gabriel Night has Saint Vitus in a facelock. Vitus is fighting out, but can't overtake Gabe as he thrusts Vity down on all fours. He steps around his neck, hooks around the waist, and lifts into a powerbomb position. He pushes Vitus up with all his strength, and holds for a few seconds as the crowd goes nuts. Then, he hurls him to the ground. Vity misses the scaffolding entirely and lands with a resounding thud on the waiting tables.
Meygon: Eliminated: Saint Vitus
JT: Nowe THAT's what I call a DDT!
GP: That was a powerbomb, dumbass.
JT: You say tomato, I say tomato.
GP: I don't like tomatoes.
JT: ..You're hopeless.
Donnie Daze is still hanging on the broken scaffolding by one hand. It looks like he's struggling just to remain conscious. He's managed to get a handhold on the higher edge and is hanging with his chest parallel to the steel. He gropes around for a handhold for a second with his free arm, and, satisfied, grabs for it. The structure shakes under the added weight, but remains relativley sturdy. He swings his feet up, and they catch on the upper scaffolding. Throughout this whole ordeal, High Flyer stands cautiously on the upper level, staring... watching... and waiting. Jake Walker charges in from behind with a cyclone forearm. Flyer stumbles, and turns to face Jake.
GP: Jake Walker and High Flyer are usually friends... what is Jake thinking?
JT: THERE ARE NO FRIENDS IN THE MAYHEM MATCH!
GP: ...You must really get a charge out of saying that every year.
JT: You're a sitting duck, Parka.
Jake and Flyer lock up. Jake tries to overpower Flyer, but finds him to be an even match. Flyer springs into action, dropping down and hooking Jake's legs for a double-leg, He twists and spins Jake around, then lets go and tosses him to the lower level. The countdown appears once more.
Donnie Daze slowly works his way back to the upper scaffolding. Flyer charges, and Daze takes him down with a drop toehold.
Daze gets to his feet, and Flyer raises his fists. Daze shoots in, and Flyer quickly hooks his arms. Daze struggles to break free, but Flyer locks it in, and gets in a double underhook delayed neckbreaker.... Hypothermia.
GP: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! FLYER JUST NAILED HYPOTHERMIA ON DONNIE DAZE! MY GOD, THE CARNAGE! THE CARNAGE, JT, THE CARNAGE!
JT: Dude. You just said "carnage" three times in like two seconds. Calm down. Here, try some of these drugs.
JT gabs a syringe into Parker's arm.
GP: What the fu... ooooooh. Look at the pretty ponies, mommy.
Flyer stands proud, admiring his handiwork, as the crowd roaaaars.
Gabriel Night, shoulder raised, runs full-speed at Flyer. He's met halfway by Erik Blake's boot.
We see Simon Seaman rush in and climb the scaffolding. On the other side, Tommy Kane appears. High Flyer stops for a second to watch them approach the top, and Donnie Daze uses the opportunity to lock in a sneaky full nelson from behind. Flyer tenses up and tries to slip out, but Flyer hoists him into a facecrusher. Flyer hits the steel hard and opens a huge gash on his forehead. Daze bends down to pick Flyer back up, but along comes Simon Seaman with a low blow. Daze hits the scaffolding in pain, and Simon jabs him in the ribs with his toe. An arm from offscreen reaches out and taps him on the shoulder. he turns, and walks into an Exploder suplex from Jake Walker. Jake bridges and applies pressure, causing Simon to cry out in pain.
We cut back to the lower scaffolding. We see Tommy Kane, getting manhandled by the Legion of Dairy. egg NOG lifts him up in a suplex position, and suddenly reverses, falls forward, and drops Tommy on cHEESE's exposed knee. Tommy curls up in a fetal ball, and the Legion deliver twin leg drops, to his neck and waist. egg NOG straightens up, and cHEESE applies a choke hold on Tommy. Suddenly, egg NOG hits the ground. cHEESE jumps up, startled, and narrowly avoids Erik Blake's wildly swinging arm. cHEESE manages to duck, grab hold of Blake's arm, and take him down. He then signals for egg NOG, and they take it to Erik with vicious stomps. From behind, Tommy Kane sneaks up and slams their heads together. They hit the ground simultaneously, and Tommy immediatley goes for Erik Blake.
GP: This is fast-paced action! Those guys up there are giving it all they've got! What an incredible match!
Ash Robinson rushes past the camera, on the upper level. Gabriel Night is in hot persuit. Gabe charges Ash. Ash sidesteps, and Gabe almost loses his balance, but manages to maintain upright. Not for long, though, as Ash Robinson proves with a hook kick. Gabe goes down, but bounces back. Ash hooks for a DDT, but Gabe pulls back and nails an inverted back drop. He stops and ducks as Jake Walker flies past. Jake rolls off Gabe's shoulders and uses him as a human shield from Simon Seaman's body avalanche. Gabe goes down and rolls off the top level. Jake slides down and cowers next to him. Simon slides down as well and gets a headlock on Jake, and pounds in with an European uppercut. Jake goes down, bleeding from the mouth. Simon tries to lock in a Boston crab, but Jake rolls through and pins Simon's shoulders down under his feet. Jake lifts one foot and slams down on Simon's arm. He does likewise with the other, but Simon anticipates it and grabs Jake's foot. He hops up and twists with a dragon screw, but Jake counter-Ensugiris. Simon hits the ground, face-first, giving Jake an idea. He hops up to the top scaffolding, and smiles as the crowd pops. He raises one arm straight up, and points. The fans cheer louder as he jumps up on the scaffolding rope barricade, springs off, spreads his legs apart, corkscrews, extends a knee, and flips...
GP: Dark Side of the Moonsault! Jake's got the Dark Side of th... NO! Simon rolls out of the way! Oh, that has GOT to hurt! Jake could've split his knee open!
Simon gets on top of Walker, as we cut back to Donnie Daze and High Flyer. Donnie has a twisted steel support rod from the broken scaffolding. He swings fiercely, and Flyer ducks. He swings again, and again, but can't seem to make contact. Flyer takes the opportunity to nail a forearm into Daze's face, and Donnie stumbles backwards. Flyer's eyes light up, and he takes a few steps away. He turns his back to Daze, and lets rip with a cartwheel. He extends his arm and flies off with a back elbow..
GP: THIRD DEGREE FROSTBITE! FLYER JUST LANDED THE THI... NO! NO! DAZE WAS IN FRONT OF HIM THE WHOLE TIME! HOW THE HELL DID DAZE GET IN FRONT OF HIM!?
Daze smiles an evil grin as Flyer tries to stop his flight. Daze swings with the steel rod and connects hard with Flyer's stomach. Flyer doubles over and crashes to the ground. Daze lifts him back up, discards the rod, and hooks Flyer's arms. He lifts, spins Flyer around, and drops to his knees. Flyer plummets to the ground, screaming. He hits the tables below, head-first, and collapses motionless on the ground.
GP: OH MY GOD! HE'S KILLED HIM! DONNIE DAZE HAS KILLED HIGH FLYER!
JT: No he hasn't, dumbass! He'... oh, crap. You might be right.
Meygon: Eliminated: High Flyer
The crowd is silenced. High Flyer, lying spread-eagle amidst the wreckage of two broken tables. Blood pouring from his face... he's breathing very irregularly, and seems to be fading in and out of consciousness. The sirens of an ambulence echo throughout the arena as the EMT workers carefully rush down to help.
While the medical workers tend to Flyer, the carnage on the scaffolding continues. We see Simon Seaman, jockeying for position against Jake Walker on the top scaffolding. Jake looks to be in trouble, and Simon capitalizes. He lifts Jake off his feet and brings him down hard to the ground. Jake quickly scrambles to his feet and tries to overpower Simon, but Simon lands a hard boot and an elbow to the back of the neck. Jake is down, and he's in pain. Simon stomps angrily on the back of his head, and kicks him twice hard in the ribs. Jake stirs, but doesn't get up. Simon pulls him abruptly to his feet, hooks, and drives him down on his face. Simon backs up, takes two steps to gain momentum, and drops a double-knee on Jake's neck. Jake is an agony, and Simon is relentless. He brings Jake up to his feet once more and tears into his injured ribs with a few hard backhand chops. Jake tries to turn the tides with an elbow, but Simon refuses to let up. He blocks the elbow and returns it with a strong right hook. Jake stumbles, and Simon pushes him down to the steel. He rolls on top of him and connects with a knee to his face. Simon quicklt returns to his feet, and waits for Jake to do the same. Jake is dazed, almost unable to stand. Simon wraps an arm around his face, jumps, and executes sitdown jawbreaker. Jake goes back down and clutches his jaw in pain. Simon then lifts him back up once more, and scoops him up onto his shoulder. He pauses as the fans boo him wildly, then he finishes off a spinebuster. Jake drops off the scaffolding to the tables below. Unfortunatley, he misses the tables and instead crashes into the hood of the ambulence.
GP: OH MY GOD! What a spinebuster! Jake Walker just dented the hood of that ambulence!
JT: Do you always have to begin sentences with "Oh my God"?
GP: OH MY GOD! YES!
JT: You're either a deeply religious man or you're totally nuts.
Meygon: Eliminated; Jake Walker
Simon, in a fit of adrenaline, turns to the rest of the group on the scaffolding and charges wildly. He lets fly with a forearm, and connects with Erik Blake. Erik goes down, and Simon goes after him. We see off, to the side, the Legion of Dairy, in serious trouble at the hands of Tommy Kane and Gabriel Night. Tommy has egg NOG down on the ground, and is stomping a mudhole. Gabe has cHEESE writhing in pain with a crucifix armbar. egg NOG's trying to fight back against Tommy, and finally manages to get up onto his side to escape the barrage of kicks. Tommy tries to keep egg NOG down, but ultimatley finds it impossible, and ends up on the receiving end of a driving Snowplow. The countdown appears once more.
GP: Well, who is it!? Who are the next entrants?
Two men appear on the scaffolding above. The camera pans around to reveal their faces...
JT: Oh. It's only Joey Sooner and uhm... that other guy.
GP: ..that's Tommy Manson.
JT: How can you be sure?
GP: How can you be so stupid?
Manson rushes over to Erik Blake and immediatley goes for a grapple. They lock up, and Manson delivers a German suplex... and another... and another. He releases after the fourth, and Erik rolls away in pain.
GP: Tommy Manson... starting off with intensity!
Tommy starts brawling with Erik, while Joey Sooner begins to tango with the Legion of Dairy. We cut to Simon Seaman, taking it to a very fatigued Donnie Daze. They're brawling up and down the length of the upper scaffolding. Simon nails a right hand, then a left hook, and a stiff uppercut. Daze stumbles back, and Simon charges - shoulder block, hook, and neckbreaker. Daze goes to his knees but remains relativley upright. Simon grabs him by the scruff of the neck and smashes him face-first into the ground. He grinds his face into the steel mesh for a few seconds, as Daze screams in agony. Simon then tosses him to the broken lower scaffolding, which had been hastily repaired sometime in the not-too-distant past. Simon chases after Donnie, and the structure sways from side to side from the impact of the two bodies. Simon lifts Daze into a sleeper. Daze tries to free himself, but finds himself falling asleep. Simon cranks on his neck and drops to his knees. Daze tries to swing his arm back, but can't reach Simon. Finally, Donnie collapses, and Seaman makes short work of knocking him over the side.
JT: Huh. That's funny. Shouldn't there be a little voice that says Eliminated: Donnie Daze?
GP: Yeah. That's odd... wait a second! Daze isn't out of it yet! He's hanging onto the scaffolding! He swings up... right hook to Simon Seaman... now Seaman's in danger of falling off!
Donnie seems to have gotten his second wind, and takes the fight back to Simon Seaman. Bam, right hand. Crack! Left hook. Three snap jabs to the face. He hooks... tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Simon's on his back, and Donnie leaps on top of him, knocking the wind out of him. Donnie sets
Simon up for an Irish whip... he then chases after him and puts his boot up. Simon collides and goes down. Daze kicks him in the shoulder. Simon slowly gets to his feet, and before Daze gets a chance to get his guard up, Simon locks in a choke hold. Daze squirms to break free, but Simon forces him to the ground.
We quickly cut to the opposite scaffolding. Joey Sooner has Tommy Manson in a headlock, and is drilling him with repeated shots to the face. cHEESE charges them both and hits Joey with a dropkick. Joey releases his hold on Tommy and turns to meet cHEESE. egg NOG sneaks up behind him and swings his elbow across his neck. Joey drops to his knees, and we see a flash as he reaches into his boot. egg NOG and cHEESE plot amongst themselves, when suddenly egg NOG screams out in pain and drops to the floor. cHEESE looks down, confused, and suffers the same fate. The camera moves down and we see Joey Sooner, brandishing a lead pipe. Erik Blake charges at him from nowhere, and catches the pipe in his face. Erik goes down on top of the Legion of Dairy. Joey throws his arm back and comes down with the pipe on the pile of bodies in front of them. Nothing happens. He looks down, incredulously, when he sees an apparent lack of lead pipes in his hand. He turns around, and...
We see Tommy Manson, holding the pipe in one hand. Joey goes down. Tommy looks around for a victim, and spies Gabriel Night. He sneaks up, stalking him, and finally gets within striking distance. He swings, but Gabe ducks. He swings again, and Gabriel catches his arm on the downstroke. Gabe boots him in the chest, and nails a swinging neckbreaker. Tommy hits the steel and drops the pipe. It falls safely to the ground.
Meygon: Eliminated: Joey Sooner's lead pipe
Tommy Manson rolls away, and Gabriel gives chase. Tommy Kane recognizes the opportunity and runs over. Gabriel notices him and turns around just in time to catch a crossover clothesline. Tommy follows through and drives Gabe to the edge with his shoulder. Gabe flails wildly in a desperate attempt to stay on the landing, just as Tommy Kane unleashes a crescent kick. Gabe loses his balance and topples over, in much the same way that a Weeble doesn't. For, you see, Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. Gabriel Night is another story.
Meygon: Eliminated: Gabriel Night
GP: Incredible! This is an absolutely incredible match!
JT: Will you STOP SAYING THAT?!
JT: That's it!
JT smacks Greg in the face with a notebook. Greg collapses on the announcer's table, and JT pulls him up. He locks Greg in a standing headscissors, lifts him up onto his shoulders, and powerbombs him right through the table.
JT: WHOOO~! TAKE THAT, BITCH!
GP suddenly appears on the stage.
JT: What the...?
GP walks back to the table.
GP: Hey, what happened to our table?
JT: I just...
GP: Jeez. I leave for a MINUTE to get some coffee, and you break the table!?! AND my liftsize talking Greg "The Hunk" Parker action figure!?
JT: Oh, shut up.
Back to the match. The Legion of Dairy are clearly dominating Tommy Kane and Tommy Manson. cHEESE has Kane up on his shoulders in a powerbomb positon, and egg NOG has Manson. They run unto each other and release their cargo simultaneously. The two Tommies collide in midair and hit the ground in unison. The crowd goes "OOOH!".
Off to the side, Ash Robinson and Erik Blake are locked up in a collar-and-elbow. Blake goes low, and Robinson slams an elbow into his spine. Blake scrambles to remain upright, and Ash scoops him up, spirals, and brings him down in a sitdown facecrusher. Blake's head bounces off the steel and snaps painfully up. Ash capitalizes with a neckbreaker. Erik is on the ground, groaning. Ash hoists him up in a body press, and Joey Sooner rushes into the scene, taking out Ash's knees with a sweep kick. Ash trips and Erik falls neck-first on his shoulder. Joey takes advantage, stomping on the both of them. The crowd begins to buzz again as the countdown appears on the screen.
Joey Sooner has Ash Robinson up in a front facelock.
He DDTs, but Ash follows and rolls through. He gets up and has Joey up in a standing torture rack.
Ash pulls Joey down in a spinning torture rack-buster.
Erik Blake is on his feet, swings with a clothesline, and connects with Ash's chest.
Erik hops up on the rope barricade and comes down with a hard double-knee drop.
We see the Mysterious Birdman rush out to a hugh pop, and he begins to scale the ladder across from Evan Levine.
GP: It's the Mysterious Birdman and Evan Levine!
JT: [Sarcastic] Noooo, it's Bob Saget and a midget pole dancer.
JT: That was sarcasm, you idiot! Didn't you read the stage direction?
JT: Oh, yeah. The illiteracy.
Evan gets to the top first and rushes into the fray. He gets to Erik Blake first, and starts off with a backhand slap. Erik bends down, and Evan raises his knee into Erik's face. Erik's nose starts bleeding, and Evan pushes Erik's head down into the mesh. Evan then leaves him to die, because it's really hard to tell the difference between 'Evan' and 'Erik' at twelve-thirty at night. Evan rushes at the Legion of Dairy. He extends both arms and dives at them, but falls about an inch-and-a-half short and hits the ground. egg NOG lifts him up and whips him in cHEESE's direction. cHEESE bends down and catches Evan in a spinning Samoan drop.
JT: You know, I really could go for a cheese danish right about now.
JT: Don't you start with me, Mr. Gregory P. Parkinstein.
GP: I was just...
JT: Yeah, you were always just. You never COMMIT to anything. That's your problem. You're a quitter.
GP: Just you name one...
JT: What about the guitar lessons? And the lego castle?
GP: What lego castle? What are you talking about?
JT: You know damn well what I'm talking about.
We cut to Ash Robinson, putting the boots to Tommy Mason. Tommy's leaning on the rope barricade, breathing heavily. Ash is in a trance, kick after kick after kick to the gut. He backs up and it looks like he hopes to finish the deed with a superkick. Tommy dodges the kick, and Ash's leg gets tangled up in the barricade. Tommy tries to heave Ash over the side, but he manages to evade and get back to his feet. Ash jabs, Tommy blocks and drives with a forearm. Ash evades that and swings a crescent leg. Tommy ducks, grabs the leg, and sweep-kicks Ash in the special area. Ash goes down on one knee, face scrunched up in pain. Ash nails a long flipping missile dropkick to Ash's face, and he hits the scaffolding. Tommy pulls him back up, sets him up with a toe kick, and hooks in a belly-to-belly. Ash overpowers him, hooks his arms back, and gets in a series of Al Snow-style trapping headbutts. Tommy stumbles and Ash grabs him by the hair. Tommy shrieks in pain, and Ash pulls back, pauses, and finishes the job with a giant headbutt. Tommy falls back, and Ash trips his legs out. Tommy hits the tables below and doesn't stop until the ground prevents him from further downward movement.
Meygon: Eliminated: Tommy Manson
Cut to the upper scaffolding. Simon Seaman and Donnie Daze are still going at it. Simon takes Donnie down with a karate kick. Donnie flies backwards and falls off the scaffolding. Simon raises his hands in premature victory as the crowd boos. Cause, you know, nobody likes Simon Seaman.
GP: You've got that right!
JT: Who got what in the whatnow? Who are you talking to?
GP: What, you can't hear the voices?
JT: [Amazed, and scared] I thought they only talked to me...
Back on the scaffolding, Joey Sooner and Donnie Daze are brawling on bottom. Simon Seaman has gone off to work on the Legion of Dairy. The camera focuses on Joey Sooner, taking it to a very very tired Donnie Daze. Donnie is stumbling, almost falling... Joey's on him in a flash, trying to get him over the guard rope, but Donnie's got some fight left in him. He charges back with a right, and a left, and another left. Now Joey's on the edge, and Donnie raises his hip into Joey's jaw. Joey's head snaps back, and Donnie gives him a quick chop to the neck. Joey falls straight down, and grabs hold of the edge. The scaffolding again starts to shake, and Joey loses his grip. Crash crash crash is the sound the tables make as Joey Sooner hits them.
Meygon: Eliminated: Joey Sooner
Daze stares down at Joey and tries to catch his breath as the camera turns to focus on the Mysterious Birdman, going at it with the Legion of Dairy. Birdman is in trouble at the hands of the brothers. Suddenly, Simon Seaman rushes in. He joins in on the assault on Birdman, stomping away. Before long, egg NOG stops and turns to face Seaman. cHEESE too turns and stares incredulously as Simon continues to stomp away at the Birdman's side. The Legion join hands and double-clothesline Simon almost off the landing. They celebrate by doing the Macarena, and Birdman uses the opportunity to... join in. Erik Blake starts dancing too, and Donnie Daze. Ash Robinson and Tommy Kane start as well. Before long, the entire arena is doing the Macarena. The guys on the scaffolding all line up, with Birdman taking the lead. When it gets to the part where you but both hands on your ass and shake, he suddenly swings behind himself with both arms, taking everyone down. He does one more round of the Macarena, and finishes just as the Legion return to their full upright positions. He tries for another massive clothesline, but the Legion collectivley duck it and nail Birdy with a double-clothesline of their own from behind. He quickly finds his way to his feet, and resolves to avoid the Legion for the remainder of the match. A wise decision. He hops up onto the top level, with egg NOG in hot persuit. NOGgy catches up and grabs him by the neck. Birdman screeches, but can't break egg NOG's grip. Birdman turns as egg NOG charges. He ducks and flips NOG over his shoulder. egg NOG crashes into the steel mesh and calls for his brother to help. cHEESE rushes in with a high-flying lariat and tackles Birdman to the floor. Tommy Kane is up in a flash, and on top of Birdy. They're brawling, they're taking it to each other funky-old-school-fresh. Bam, bam, right hand after right hand. Fury.
GP: Wow, Tommy Kane is really taking it to Birdman!
JT: [Mocking] Oh, Tommy Kane is blah blah blah blah SHUT THE HELL UP!
cHEESE pulls Birdman to his feet, and takes him down with a Russian leg sweep. Birdman's head hits the scaffolding with a resounding thud. He gets back up and raises his fists in defense. egg NOG smacks him from behind with a short-arm clothesline. Birdman stumbles and falls right into cHEESE's waiting arms. He snaps in the incredibly overused setup known as the front facelock, hops up on the barricade, spins around and drives down a bulldog. Birdman drops to the floor in pain and EVERYONE moves in surrounding him.
GP: Ha! Everyone's still pissed about that Macarena stunt.
JT: Who can blame them? That song is ba-aaad!
The congregation lifts the Mysterious Birdman onto their shoulders and tosses him off the scaffolding.
Meygon: Eliminated: The Mysterious Birdman
Just as Birdman hits the tables, the countdown appears on the Tron.
We see unrest among the congregation on the scaffolding.
Tommy Kane clocks Simon Seaman with a right hook. The Legion of Dairy go after Erik Blake. Donnie Daze and Ash Robinson drop to the lower scaffolding and duke it out.
Simon Seaman gets on top of Tommy Kane and drags a few forearms across his nose.
Erik Blake takes cHEESE down with a leg drag.
GP: The place is buzzing with excitement! Who's next?!
On one end of the scaffolding, we see Capital Punishment. On the other, Daniel Phillips. Daniel goes immediatley for the Legion of Dairy. Cappy goes for Ash Robinson and Donnie Daze. The camera follows him as he reaches the edge of the top scaffolding and flips off wildly. Daze catches him before he lands his splash, and executes a fallaway slam. Ash then nails Donnie with a heel kick. Cappy gets up and tackles Ash. Donnie stomps on Cappy. Ash applies a headlock and throat thrust to Donnie. The camera moves away because this is to confusing to keep up with.
We see Daniel Phillips and egg NOG, exchanging blows. Daniel jabs, egg NOG catches his arm and pulls it back in a hammerlock. He then hooks Daniel's neck and nails a brainbuster. cHEESE rushes with a stomp, but Daniel rolls away and cHEESE collides with egg NOG. The Legion both go down, and Daniel capitalizes... somehow. egg NOG gets back to his feet and catches a karate kick by Danny-boy. egg NOG goes down, and cHEESE decides to try his luck. A cyclone forearm takes care of him. Daniel follows through too much though, and crashes to the steel right beside cHEESE.
We cut back to the lower scaffolding. Ash Robinson is sprawled out on the steel. Capital Punishment and Donnie Daze are stuck in a collar-and-elbow. Daze keeps trying to shoot in on the legs, but Cappy evades and takes Daze down. He stays on top, wrenches him by the gut, lifts him off his feet, and brings him down face-first. The force of the impact shakes the scaffolding and causes Ash Robinson to stir. He sits up and shakes his head. Cappy rushes over and throws a punch, but gets caught from behind in an earringer by Donnie Daze. Ash gets to his feet and executes a wristlock monkeyflip suplex on Cappy. He gets to his feet just as Daze lifts an elbow all up in Cappy's hizzy. Cappy does one of those Lou Thresz press things and starts with some mounted-position forearms. Ash rushes in and stomps on Daze's head in time to Cappy's strikes.
GP: Oh my God... Donnie Daze is being destroyed by those two men! This is too much... this is...
JT: Oh, shut up, Mr. My Mommy Won't Let Me Stay Up Past Seven Thirty.
GP: I'll have you know that I can stay up till EIGHT!
JT: Wow. Why don't you just kill yourself, right now.
Ash and Cappy finally allow Donnie to return to his vertical base. Cappy then swings a wild-arm clothesline at Daze's neck and Ash hits a crescent kick on his waist. They both hit simultaneously, and the result is not-good-feelings for Donald Q. Daze.
JT: Is it just me, or are we seeing WAY too many spinning crescent kicks up there?
GP: Exnay on the rescent kick-cray. We can't afford any other types of kick.
We cut to the opposite scaffolding. Daniel Phillips has cHEESE on his shoulder, halfway into a one-handed scoop slam. egg NOG is preoccupied with Erik Blake and Evan Levine. He seems to be faring well, but is still unable to prevent Daniel Phillips from executing triple rolling German suplexes on cHEESE. Daniel seems to be posessed by some sort of dancing, German-suplexing demon. After three plexes, he lets loose with the finale, and releases. cHEESE sails over the edge of the scaffolding and hits the tables below. We see JT at the announcer's table stand up and run over.
GP: JT, what the hell are you doing?
JT: ...you mean he's not really made of cheese?
JT: Dammit. That's false advertising, you know. I'm gonna sue!
GP: You do realize that if you sued the IWO and won, then we'd go bankrupt and you'd be out of a job, don't you?
JT: But then I would have all the cheese I could eat! Hahaha! I laugh with glee at the proposition!
Meanwhile, egg NOG is fighting back against Erik and Evan. Erik has apparently collapsed due to exhaustion, leaving just Evan Levine to fend off the now one-man Dairy invasion. He seems to be doing a good job of it, blocking punches with forearms and evading low blows like a man who values his testicles. Evan takes a jab and connects with jaw. He takes another swing, and plants his fist on egg NOG's left cheek. NOG goes down on all fours, and Evan comes in with a hook kick to the ribs. NOG goes down flat, and Evan drops an elbow on his spine.
We cut once more, this time to Simon Seaman and Tommy Kane. Tommy is in awful shape; staggering, bleeding, sweating, panting... Simon's dancing around like a prizefighter, jabbing and hooking, elbows and forearms, back and forth, sending Tommy reeling. He's on the edge, but he's not ready to give up without a fight. Simon grabs him around the neck, twists around, and SLLAAMMS his head to the steel. Tommy bounces up and doesn't even try to reach out for the edge as he plummets to the tables. As Emril Ligase would say, BAM!
Meygon: Eliminated: Tommy Kane
GP: Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
JT: ...there were cookies and I wasn't informed?
GP: Yeah. Keebler cookies. The ones that look like elves stuffed with creme. MMmmm, good stuff.
Oh, look. The countdown.
GP: I can't take the suspense! Who's next?
Out comes the Uncle, followed by Jack Breaker. They both try to get to the top via the same ladder. Uncle gets on first, but an indignant Jack Breaker pulls him off the ladder and starts climbing. Uncle tries to grab hold of hid ankle, but finds his vertical leap no match for Jack's climbing speed. He grudgingly retreats to the opposite ladder. Jack gets to the top first and salutes the crowd. They pop huge. He salutes again, and they pop again. He salutes a third time, but by now the crowd is tired of all the cheering. Jack storms away down the scaffolding, feelings visibly hurt. He runs into Capital Punishment, and just socks him really hard in the jaw. Cappy staggers back, and Jack takes out his frustrations on him. He goes all Karate-Kid on Cappy's ass, chopping and striking like lightning. Cappy swings a kick, but Jack catches it and hooks his neck. Keeping the facelock and the leg under the same arm, he drops to his back and drives Cappy's head to the ground.
The Uncle, IWO rookie extraordinaire, finds himself right in Simon Seaman's face. Simon talks some trash, and Uncle turns away to run. He doesn't get very far, as Simon has him by the hair. He throws him to the ground very angrily. Uncle quickly gets up, which in retrospect is never the best idea when in the eyesight of an angry former world champ. Simon drills him with some stiff stiff STIFF rising uppercuts. The structure shakes at the impact. Uncle smartly rolls away from Simon, but can't get very far, as Simon delivers some more rib kicks. Uncle starts to work his way to his feet, and Simon winds up for one last shot. He leans back, and along comes Donnie Daze. He hooks around Simon's neck and dives down. Simon's head cracks into the steel and dents it. Daze kicks him aside and goes straight for Uncle. He lifts him up over his head, grabs him by the neck, and drops to his knees. Uncle slumps over his shoulder and his neck slams into Daze's shoulder.
GP: Donnie Daze is relentless! He is really taking it to poor Uncle!
JT: You know who's great? Rich Uncle Pennybags.
We cut and focus on egg NOG, being manhandled by Evan Levine. NOG's bleeding from the face, and Evan isn't letting up. At least, not until an enraged Simon Seaman rushes by, nearly taking his head off with a clothesline. Evan lands face-first, and Simon is on top of him, drumming with elbows on the back of his head. Erik Blake rushes by next, breaks them up, and continues to rush away. He charges at Jack Breaker, who's currently tied up with Capital Punishment. Cappy has Jack in a half nelson, but Jack fights out, ducks a chop by Erik Blake, and forces Cappy to his knees with a shot to the spine. Erik charges with a spear, but Jack sidesteps and Erik crashes into Cappy. Erik carries over and lands on the lower scaffolding. Jack hooks Cappy around the neck, leaps up and spins around in a Tornado DDT. He manages to keep his balance as he releases, but Cappy is another story. He trips and goes sailing off to the lower level. Jack stands on the edge of the top, takes a deep breath, and leaps off in a shooting star. He seems cautious, almost unsure of his ability to land it successfully, but does connect with Cappy before crashing haphazardly to the steel. Cappy stumbles and falls backwards off the scaffolding.
Meygon: Eliminated: Capital Punishment
GP: My GOD! Did you see that move by Jack Breaker?
JT: No, I was busy watching Erik Blake lie totally motionless.
GP: Why were you...
JT: It's a hobby, okay?
Jack celebrates along with the buzzing crowd. Meanwhile, Evan Levine is messing with Simon Seaman. Evan is behind Simon, taking advantage of his fatigued state. He hits a climb-up wheel kick, bringing Simon to the steel mesh and drawing the attention of Donnie Daze, who rushes to take advantage of Simon Seaman. Dropping elbows, legs, knees... all sorts of things. Evan joins in on the fun, and before long Donnie apparently gets jealous and takes Evan down with a double-arm DDT. The countdown pops up again.
GP: Man. These three-minute periods keep getting shorter and shorter, don't they? Is the clock broken backstage?
We see Jack Breaker and Uncle... or more specifically, Jack Breaker taking Uncle down with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker,
We see Erik Blake, passed out in the corner of the lower scaffolding.
We see Simon Seaman and Donnie Daze, duking it out.
We see egg NOG, Daniel Phillips, and Ash Robinson, standing around drinking Gatorade.
We now see Edguardo and Harold Hash scaling the structure. Hash gets to the top first, and is caught off-guard by Uncle, who takes him down with an Irish whip. Edguardo gets up next, and immediatley goes for Jack Breaker. Jack ducks and evades his attemptsd to lock up, and we cut to something less boring. Harold Hash is on the ground, Uncle has his ankle in his hands and is twisting it in all crazy directions. Harold is fighting out, and is on his feet in a second. Uncle lets go of the ankle and drives an elbow upwards into Harold Hash's little Harry.
JT: Oi, that's got to hurt.
GP: No kidding.
JT: Oh, how would you know, Gregory?
Greg kicks JT in the nuts.
JT: [Falsetto] Touche.
Edguardo has Jack Breaker now, and he's trying to suplex him, but Jack is resisting. Jack raises a knee into Edguardo's face, forcing him to break his grip. Jack then grapevine-hammerlocks his arm, boots him in the gut, hooks, and DDTs. Suddenly, Daniel Phillips is looking to get into the action, bringing an elbow down into Edguardo's face. Edguardo hits the steel and stays down, as Daniel turns to Jack. He charges, and runs right into a back body drop by Jack. Daniel follows thorough, however, and manages to force Jack to topple over. He rolls back to his feet, and Jack slowly straightens up.
Now egg NOG and Ash Robinson are going at it, but rather than physically, they're trying to hurt each other mentally. Ash seems to be winning, as egg NOG is writhing on the floor in agony. To futher complicate matters, the countdown appears for the last time.
Jack Breaker charges at Daniel Phillips, but Phillips reverses it with an armdrag.
Donnie Daze and Simon Seaman, both glistening with sweat, are taking a breather in between jabs.
Uncle and Harold Hash are locked in a furious struggle.
Edguardo and Evan Levine are brawling on the lower level.
Erik Blake is back on his feet, albiet woozy and staggering around.
The final two competetors approach the scaffolding. The first is Mikey Capitali. The second is wearing a mask of Evan Levine's look.
GP: Who is that masked man?
JT: Why the hell are you asking me?
GP: He kinda looks like Psycho J... no, that's crazy. Forget I said anything.
JT: I always do.
Mikey and the Masked Man get to the top at about the same time. Mikey goes after Edguardo. The Masked Man goes straight for Evan Levine. He nails a hard elbow from the left, and a hook from the right. Evan stumbles in every direction as the Masked Man drags a forearm into his jaw. He sets Evan up and hooks for a powerslam. BAM! That's what sound it makes as Evan hits the steel. BANG! The sound of Evan getting taken down again by a massive vertibreaker. Evan gets quickly up and charges the Masked Man. He grabs Evan's feet and hoists him into the air. Evan does a flip and tries to catch on to the masked man's head but misses and lets the tables below be his company.
Meygon: Eliminated: Evan Levine
On the other side of the structure, a similar situation is brewing between Harold Hash and Uncle. Harold has Uncle on his shoulders, aaandd...
That's the sound the cookie in Uncle's pocket makes as he crashes through the tables.
Meygon: Eliminated: Uncle
On the lower level, the representitives from four different tag teams are brawling. Jack Breaker, egg NOG, Edguardo, and Mikey Capitali, Jack takes egg NOG down with a Manhattan drop, and continues an assault that entails a lot of pain in egg NOG's general direction. Edguardo and Mikey are brawling. Edguardo swings and misses, trips, and falls off the scaffolding. He catches on at the last second, unbeknownst to a celebrating Mikey Capitali. He sneaks up from behind and nails an axe handle to the head, sending Mikeyt sprawling to the tables below.
Meygon: Eliminated: Mikey Capitali
Now Edguardo turns to Jack and egg NOG. Jack and egg NOG smile at each other for a second, then nail simultaneous boots to the gut. They hook and nail a double powerbomb off the scaffolding.
Meygon: Eliminated: Edguardo
egg NOG turns to Jack, but finds Jack one step ahead. Jack forces him into a standing headscissors, pulls back, and...
Piledriver into the steel. Jack lifts egg NOG to throw him off, when..
Along comes the Masked Man with a VICIOUS crossover clothesline. egg NOG doesn't stand a chance against the force of gravity. But imagine if he did.
Meygon: Eliminated: egg NOG
GP: Oh my GOD! Business is picking up now! This is fast paced action! Incredible!
JT: If you use one more of those damn cliches, I'm gonna sic the Swiss Army on your ass.
GP: Well, we're left now with the last heat of participants: The Elite Eight, if you will. Erik Blake, Donnie Daze, Daniel Phillips, Jack Breaker, Harold Hash, Simon Seaman, Ask Robinson, and a Msyterious Masked Man. The big guns are out in full swing tonight. We're down to the final eight.
JT: Final eight? What the hell are you talking about? Usually that wording's used with the Final Four. You know, like the NCAA Basketball Tournament?
GP: Yes, I know where the expression's derived from. I'm just saying that these are the last eight men to gain a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. Erik Blake, Daniel Phillips, Donnie Daze, Jack Breaker, Harold Hash, Simon Seaman, Ash Robinson, and the masked man who..
JT: Is a savior!
GP: ... resembles Psycho Jay. He's got the size, he's got the actions. It's pratically uncanny.
Each man recovers to his own feet slowly. Each of them on a different level. Erik Blake, Donnie Daze, and Jack Breaker on the left scaffold, Daniel Phillips and Harold Hash on the second upgrown level, and Simon Seaman, Ash Robinson, and the masked man are on the right level.
Phillips is the first to move, diving off the second scaffold onto the Crusier Weight champion with a cross body drop. Daze goes down like a ton of bricks, as the scaffold begins to rock back and forth. Breaker holds the scaffolding supports in order to maintain his balance.
Erik Blake turns to knock Breaker off, but Harold Hash grabs him by his hair from behind. Hash slowly pulls Blake up towards the center scaffolding, and slams his face repeatedly into the wooden center scaffold. With each blow, Blake helps pull himself up onto the board, without dangling like Hash has left him.
On the other side, Ash Robinson is having his head humped after being low blowed by the masked man. Simon Seaman is watching with a confused demeanor, before Ash returns the low blow favor towards the masked man.
JT: AH! Payback isn't sweet! At least not for someone like Jay!
GP: How do we know that's Jay though! He was banned from the IWO two years ago.
Seaman climbs up to the middle scaffold, and turns Hash around, away from Erik Blake. Immediatly Hash goes for a right hand, but Seaman blocks it, and then kicks him in the gut. Seaman double underhooks the prone Hash, and takes him over in a double underhook suplex, sending him off the center scaffold and down to the lower right one. Hash lands back first, causing the masked man to almost lose his balance and fall off.
Phillips, on the other side, is still pounding away at Daze, crawling around and spinning, each man gaining the advantage before throwing blows of their own. Phillips on top now, as Jack Breaker looks on. He then pulls out a sign that says "*Yawn*," before he walks around, and sees the recovering Erik Blake.
As Blake began to get his footing once again, Breaker pulls his feet out from under him. Blake crashes down to the wood fiercly, as Breaker grabs his feet underneath his arm pit. He then drops down, sending Blake off the middle scaffold and onto the bottom one in a monkey flip, throwing the winded Erik Blake clear off the scaffold.
Meygon: Eliminated, Erik Blake!
GP: It seems like Father time and Monkeys were Erik Blake's worse enemies.
JT: Father Time isn't an enemy. He's my pastor. I've been praying to him all week for Schitzo Tod to lose his championship this week to Nuke!
Parker sighed, as Ash Robinson is pounding away at "Psycho Jay," on the nearest scaffold. Ash attempts to throw him off, but the large man is able to hook the chained supports, doing a movie like spinning kick. He used the supports, flew off the scaffold and used his momentum to come around the backside and dropkick Ash in the back. Ash flew into another chain, face first, before crashing to the wooden deck.
Simon Seaman looks down at the fallen Harold Hash, and waits for Hash to get to his feet. The blow from the double underhook took more out of Hash than Seaman expected. Simon didn't have enough time to realize that Jack Breaker was standing behind him, with a rather large trout in his hands.
GP: Where does Jack Breaker get these things?
JT: He must have bottomless pants or something.
GP: I think it's that damned trix rabbit. Always giving Breaker random things in order to get his Trix.
JT: He never does... get his trix I mean. It's a shame really.
GP: Yeah, just like you've never gotten pussy in your life. Always chasing it, but never getting it. *JT gets cut off* It's like the Clitoris is like the little kids, and they shout out "Silly JT, Sex is for adults," and then you get pissed beyond all ages.
JT: Why I outta...
GP: Go out and get laid, yes, I whole-heartedly-agree.
As Seaman turns around, Jack Breaker winds up and slams the large fish over Seaman's head. Seaman doesn't go down, but his neck forces his body forwards into a crotching position. Seaman gets to his feet in a look of annoyance, as Breaker attempts to nail Seaman again. Simon was up to the tricks, as he catches Breaker with a boot to the midsection, and then a huge jaw-breaker, which sends the trout flying over the scaffold edge, and... "eliminates" it.
Meygon: Eliminated... Jack Breakers... Trout?!?
JT: Heh, I didn't know it was a participant. Still would have been better than Schitzo Tod as champion.
GP: You can't be serious!
JT: They should just let Pen pin Tod and get it over with.
GP: WHAT?!?! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?!
JT: It was sarcasm, can't you tell.
GP: ... *Lowers head in shame* No. Stupid transcript.
Breaker looks to his empty hand, until Simon Seaman catches his square in the jaw with a jumping drop kick. Breaker falls down to the scaffold hard, as Seaman then looks to lock Jack in a reverse Boston Crab. Breaker tries to fight out of it, but in the position he's in, Seaman easily locks it in.
Phillips has Daze locked in a triangle hold, wrenching back with every moment, as the masked man on the other side turns his attention to Harold Hash. He walks over to him, and attempts to hump his head, but Hash is too smart for him, hooking the legs on his shoulders and standing up off of the wooden scaffold. The three hundred plus man is prone, as Hash drops backwards, flapjacking him face first onto the scaffold.
Masked Man: FUCK! You gave me a splinter.
JT: See what I said earlier about the censors getting lazier?
GP: Point taken.
Hash begins to stomp away at the masked man, as Ash Robinson grabs him from behind. Ash tries to throw Hash off without him realizing, but Hash has his awareness at full tilt, hooking onto a small metal chain support to keep himself on. However, he couldn't stop himself from slipping, so Hash is dangling from the scaffold high above, holding on by a simple support chain.
Ash Robinson walks over and peeks over the edge, seeing Harold Hash hanging there. He begins to kick Hash's hands, hopefully sending him plummeting to his doom, and Ash one step close to a World Heavyweight Championship shot.
GP: Imagine Ash Robinson winning May Mayhem, and going to square off against Schizo Tod for the World Heavyweight Championship.
JT: THE GODS WON'T ALLOW IT!
GP: What do the Gods have against Ash?
JT: You mean what do the Gods have against Schitzo Tod, and I have a rather large file here if you want to see it.
JT pulls out a large manilla folder and slams it on the announce table.
JT: And that's just the past year alone.
GP: I think I'll pass.
As Ash looks over the edge, the man who appears to be Psycho Jay walks up behind him, pulling out a glass dildo from... hell if I know, and slamming it over Ash's skull. Ash stumbles forward, and falls off the scaffold and down through the tables below.
Meygon: Eliminated, Ash 'Shadow' Robinson!
JT: I LOVE THAT GUY~! Who the hell is he. I bet it's Seaman under that mask.
GP: ... Seaman's on the middle scaffold with a reverse boston crab locked on Jack Breaker. It's impossible.
JT: Fine, Seaman's Clone. Simon Seaman has found a way to clone himself since the world needs two great gladiators, AND, Seaman wants a worthy challenge.
GP: That man in the mask has to be at least three hundred pounds, and he resembles Psycho Jay more than Simon Seaman.
JT: Well, Seaman wanted a challenge, hence the added weight and muscle and the reckless attitude... okay, I'm really stretching this now, aren't I?
JT: I'll shut up now.
The masked man who resembles Psycho Jay walks up to the second platform, leaving Hash to climb back up.
JT: Obviously Seaman didn't program the clone with his intellect, cuz if he did, the clone would have threw Hash off as well.
GP: Remember what we talked about?
JT: Me shutting up?
JT: Pfft, like that'd happen. I lie Greg. I'm human. It's what we do.
The masked man who resembles Psycho Jay climbs up to the middle platform, as Seaman lets go of the reverse boston crab. Seaman then charges him, and clotheslines him, bringing both Seaman and the man who resembles Psycho Jay to the right platform. This causes it to horribly shake, as Harold Hash still hasn't recovered completely.
Seaman turns his attention to Hash, and tries to kick him off, before he's interrupted by the man who resembles Psycho Jay.
On the other side, Phillips has Daze in a front headlock, and Daze is trying to shove Phillips off. Phillips won't have any of it though, as he just locks it in further, and then leaps up, driving Daze's skull into the wooden scaffolding.
Phillips climbs up to the second level of the scaffolding, making sure no one is behind him to trip him up, and then leaps off onto the prone Donnie Daze with a vicious leg drop. The scaffold rocks, as Phillips then decides to end it. Phillips goes to throw Daze off the scaffolding, but Daze is able to grab a support chain, whip himself around and land behind Phillips. With Daniel looking out into the crowd, the fans in attendance let out a cry of cheers and Daze hits the unsuspecting Daniel Phillips with Dazed and Confused.
GP: WOAH! In mid-stride of being thrown off, Daze turned it into nailing Daze and Confused on Daniel Phillips on the rebound!
JT: Well, Daze isn't a pushover. Seaman had to beat his ass two times on Pay Per View none the less in order to sink it in that Daze had no shot of beating him!
GP: I don't think that was the case JT...
Daze gets to his feet, and pulls Daniel Phillips up with him. A groggy Phillips fires back with a few shots to Daze's midsection, before gouging his eyes. Daze backs up, clutching for vision, as Phillips charges forward, attempting to shoulderblock Daze off the scaffold. However, Donnie wraps his arm around him, and they both go flying off the edge of the scaffold.
GP: Phillips heated state cost him AND Daze a shot at the glory!
JT: And referee's had to pull these two apart now. Oh boy, I can see a clash sometime in the near future between these two...
Meygon: Eliminated, Daniel Phillips and Donnie Daze!
JT: There you go Greg. Now you can say it.
GP: That means we're down to the FINAL FOUR~! *Glares at JT*
JT: What the hell is Jack Breaker still doing up there? Shouldn't he have been eliminated with his trout?
Breaker, who is walking with a slight limp, catches glimpse of Simon Seaman and the masked man who resembles Psycho Jay below him.
Jack Breaker: HEY! Uhmmmm... insert something witty in here that insults the both of you! You know, since I'm too lazy to think of it my own!
With this, Jack Breaker dives off the top, cross body blocking both men. The masked man resembling Psycho Jay peers over to Breaker, clutching his midsection, before Jack dropkicks him over the edge.
Man Resembling Jay: IT'S NOT OVER GADGET~! NEXT TIME~!
He hits the tables hard, crashing through for an elimination.
Meygon: Eliminated, the masked man who no one knows who he is but we all just assume he's Psycho Jay since he humps people and uses glass dildos.
GP: Three men left! Simon Seaman, Harold Hash, and oddly enough, Jack Breaker!
JT: We're pratically back where we started! Seaman can rectify the wrong from earlier in the evening by eliminating Hash and gaining the Number One Contendership!
GP: He also has to elimate Breaker JT...
JT: He counts?!? Since when!?!
Breaker gets to his feet, but it caught from behind by Hash's elbow. Hash begins to pound away with a few tomahawk chops, and then lifts Breaker up into a sidewalk slam on the scaffold.
Seaman however, isn't out of the game yet, as he grabs the recovering Hash from behind, and hooks him in a full nelson. Seaman then places his foot in front to trip him, and drives him down with a vicious face first full nelson slam. Seaman begins to then try to roll Hash off of the scaffold, but Breaker comes flying back with a flying elbow shot, knocking Seaman back down to the wood.
Breaker grabs Seaman up, and hooks him in a front face lock, before twisting him into a neckbreaker. Breaker drives Seaman hard into the mat, as Hash looks to use Breaker's move to finish Seaman. Hash tries to roll Simon off...
JT: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Hash can't throw Seaman off! Hash can't beat Seaman twice in one night!
But Simon grabs Hash by his hair, and pulls him over his body. Hash goes flying over the edge, grabbing the wooden platform as he falls.
JT: YES! SEE! THE SMARTNESS THAT IS SIMON SEAMAN!
GP: Seaman used Hash's lacksidasical shove against him, pulling him over the edge and almost eliminating him. Hash's death grip on the platform is the only way he stays in this match, and I don't think he can hold that in that position.
Seaman gets to his feet, and takes a look at Hash before turning his attention to Jack Breaker. Breaker goes for a wild right, but Seaman looks to hook Breaker for a neckbreaker of his own. Breaker is able to hook Seaman as he does however, and twists his body. With Seaman now in a gut wrench position, Breaker tries to lift him up for a powerbomb, and possibly throw HIM over the edge. Simon has the instincts however, to hook his leg with Breaker's blocking the attempted gutwrentch powerbomb.
Seaman lands a couple of swift shoulder shots to Breaker's gut, backing him up and towards the edge, where Breaker steps on Hash's fingers. Hash lets out a cry, and then tries to pull himself up, but to no avail. Seaman then, with his shoulder driven into Breaker, lifts him up, and then drops him behind him in a back body drop sort of way, onto the middle platform.
GP: Seaman is in a good position to win this match JT. He's not the freshest, but he's the only one standing right now.
JT: Like anyone else can stand in just the mere pressence of Simon Seaman?
GP: Do I need to remind you that Seaman was beaten earlier in the night by Hash?
Seaman looks down at Hash, who's clutching with everything he can on to the side. Hash is able however, with his last ounce of strength, to raise his legs, and attempt to eliminate Seaman. Simon however, is quick to realize what's going on, tosses the legs off his shoulders, which sends Hash swinging around. Seaman then steps onto Hash's fingers, which causes Harold Hash to lose his footing, and fall down to the tables below.
Meygon: Eliminated, Harold Hash.
GP: Well, we're down to the final two, the battle of the flying neckbreakers! Simon Seaman and Jack Breaker.
JT: What are you talking about? Just proclaim Seaman the winner and champion of May Mayhem already! Jack doesn't have a chance!
Seaman turns around, and is caught with a vicious flipping neckbreaker out of nowhere. Jack Breaker had regained his senses, and leapt off of the second middle level scaffold onto the now fallen Simon Seaman. It was a move he called the Heartbreaker, which caused Seaman to his the wooden scaffold hard. The scaffold began to swing back and forth from the impact. Seaman bounced in the air from the blow, the scaffold swung underneath him, and was no longer supporting his entire body, which caused a groggy Simon Seaman to slide off the edge, and fall down to his doom.
GP: Simon Seaman was just beaten by his own move! Not to meantion that it's Jack Breaker's signature manuver!
*Ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: Your winner, and Number One Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship, Jack Breaker!
Jack Breaker stands at the top of the scaffold, above everyone else in the crowd, in the locker room. He was figuratively and actually on top. At least for tonight.
World Heavyweight Championship
Schitzo Tod -c- vs. Nuke
GP : And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our main event. Our World champion Schitzo Tod will be defending his title against the psychotic Nuke.
JT : (Sigh) Remember when the May Mayhem main event used to be good?
GP : Yeah, those were the- Hey, it still is good!
JT : Yeah, you keep believing that.
GP : What is your problem, JT? I thought you liked Nuke.
JT : NUKE is OK, though he's no Simon Seaman. It's Tod that's a disgrace to that belt.
GP : And just what's so bad about Tod? He's proven himself time and again lately, despite people like you constantly saying he can't do it.
JT : Oh, just go ahead and cry about it, Old Man River.
GP : ...JT, we've been over this before; insults are much more effective when they actually make sense.
JT : Yeah, so says you, OLLLLD MAAAAAN RIIIIIVER!
GP : ...OK. I guess we should get to the introductions for this match without further ado.
Meygon is in the ring, finishing up giving head to a homeless man. Hey, what did you expect? It's Meygon. She stands up and raises the microphone to her mouth.
Meygon : Ahem. The following contest is set for one fall, and is for the IWO World Heavyweight title!
The fans let out a small pop at this, but no one knows why.
Meygon : Introducing first ... hailing from Hollis, Queens, New York ... standing 6'4" tall and weighing 243 lbs. ... the master of the Burning Psychosis and several other evilly named moves ... a former Unified, Extreme, and North American champion, and looking to capture his first World title tonight ... he is the self-proclaimed Innovator of Wrongness, NNNUUUUUKKKEEEE!!!
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls plays as Nuke walks out from the back, wearing his perpetual glare. The fans greet him with a chorus of boos, except for one fan at ringside wearing a homemade "Nuke Rulz" T-shirt. The mark begins going crazy as Nuke walks down the ramp, jumping around and waving at his hero.
Fan : Wooooo! Nuke, you're the man! Beat that little girl and take his title! Wooooo!
Nuke stops in front of the fan and stares at him, which causes the fan to nearly have a seizure.
Fan : OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod! Nuke, you're the greatest ever and I have all your matches on tape and you've always been my favorite, even when you were Bainky, which you don't like to talk about now but that's OK because you're Nuke and you're cool and-
Nuke floors the fan with a punch. He glares down at the mark's unconscious body for a moment before shaking his head and moving on to the ring.
Nuke : (Muttering) Next time maybe the cheap bastard will buy one of my shirts instead of making it himself. Dumb motherfucker...
Nuke ascends the ring steps and gets into the ring, turning back around and glaring at the entranceway.
GP : Nuke is one angry individual.
JT : You'd be angry too if your parents had named you Bainky.
GP : I don't think his parents named him that, JT. That's just what he used to call himself.
JT : (Sarcastically) Yeah, THAT makes sense.
GP : Um ... it does.
JT : I know. That's why I said it, SMART GUY.
GP : (Sigh) This is going to be a long match.
Meygon : And his opponent ... hailing from Long Beach, California ... standing at 6'1" and weighing 157 lbs. ... the master of the Tod Annihilation Maneuver ... a former TV, IC TAG (With AWS Man (Also Known As Bill)), Pacific, Unified, World Tag (With AWS Man (Also Known As Bill)), and Extreme champion, and the CURRENT IWO Heavyweight champion of the World ... he wishes he was in the Hall of Fame ... he is the man nicknamed "Schitzo Tod," SCHITZOOOOO TOOOOODDDDDD!!!
"Date Rape" by Sublime plays as Tod walks down to ringside, World title strapped across his very thin waist. He is met with lots of cheers and such by the fans as he walks down the ramp, slapping hands with the fans at ringside. He rolls into ring and hands his belt to the referee.
JT : You know, Tod is a very strange-looking guy ... even for an IWO wrestler.
GP : Well, Tod is certainly ... one of a kind. But nonetheless, he is our champion.
JT : Yeah, for however long it takes for Nuke to beat his ass and pin him.
GP : As much as you'd like to pretend it is, the result of this match is not a forgone conclusion, JT.
JT : You know, I'm not even going to dignify that by pretending I know what that means.
GP : (Shaking head) You're hopeless, JT.
The bell rings as Nuke and Tod face each other down. Both men approach the center of the ring and prepare for a tie-up.
Tod : Hey, Bainky! How's it goi- Oof!
Tod gets knocked down by a solid right hook from Nuke. The ref admonishes Nuke, but the man formerly known as Bainky pushes him aside and soccer kicks Tod hard in the ribs as he tries to get to his feet.
GP : Nuke just went off on Tod! What is his problem?
JT : I'll tell you his problem! He ... well, he's Nuke. Shouldn't that answer your question?
GP : Surprisingly enough, it does.
JT : Ha! JT : 5; People's Republic of China : -2.
Tod starts using the ring ropes to pull himself up, yelling something out as he does so.
Tod : But Bainky! What would Nick the Walrus say?!
Nick, the Guy Who Looks Like a Walrus : I'd say that I know, I know, I'm fat! And you stole the idea for me from Aaron Smith!
GP : Um ... what are characters from a Schitzo Tod promo doing here?
Mad Max : REDUNDANT!
JT : I don't know, but Mad Max has apparently joined us for commentary.
As all this is going on, Nuke jumps on Tod and begins pummeling him immediately after Tod finishes talking. He pounds him a few more times, then rips him to his feet and throws a forearm to the windpipe, knocking the World champ down and causing him to grasp his windpipe as he sputters for air.
GP : Nuke is being even more ferocious than normal. He really has a grudge against Tod for the whole Bainky thing.
Mad Max : REDUNDANT!
JT : Greg, he's in no mood for Tod's shenanigans tonight. He's focused on one thing and one thing only : the IWO World title.
GP : Well, he-
JT : I SAID NO SHENANIGANS!
Nuke waits for Tod to start to crawl to his feet, then runs and knees Tod hard in the bridge of the nose. Tod rolls around clutching his now-bleeding nose.
GP : I think he just broke Tod's nose!
JT : YES! BLLLOOOOOODDDD!!!
Mad Max : REDUNDANT!
JT : ...You know, you're right, Max. My obsession with blood is becoming passé and overdone. From now on, instead of recycling the same old catchphrases and worn-out gags, I'm going to become a better, more insightful commentator. Thank you, Max. Thank you for changing my career!
Mad Max : REDUNDANT!
JT : ...OK, now you're just annoying. Go away.
Mad Max : OK.
Mad Max leaves.
JT : Now, where was I? Ah, yes ... BLLLLOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!! Sweet nectar of life! Flow over me with your rejuvenating power and cleanse me of all impurities! Nyahahahahaha!
GP : JT, shut up and stop scaring the viewers.
JT : Oh fine, you spoilsport.
Finally getting back to the ring, Tod is slowly starting to get up while clutching his nose, which appears to be broken. Tod is using the corner for support, leaning against it to catch his breath. As soon as he gets all the way up, Nuke rushes in with a ferocious clothesline, that very well could have ripped Tod's head off if he hadn't ducked at the last second, causing Nuke to smash full-force into the turnbuckle. Nuke staggers back into a surprise schoolboy (as if any schoolboy is expected) from Tod.
GP : Nuke barely kicks out in time! Tod almost stole this one right there!
JT : Well, those kinds of shenanigans may fly in "Ca-lee-for-nee-ah," but we don't put up with those shenanigans here in IWO, no sirree Bob. If he tries shenanigans like that again, I'll just have to go in there and put a stop to
the shenanigans myself.
GP : STOP SAYING SHENANIGANS!
JT : I CAN'T!!!
Nuke, angered, jumps to his feet and begins to stomp away at Tod. However, the mighty World champion grabs onto one of Nuke's legs and begins biting it.
JT : Hey! He's biting him!
GP : Indeed he is. Schitzo Tod is holding onto Nuke's leg for dear life and ... biting him.
Finally, Nuke grabs onto the ring ropes for balance and uses his free left leg to kick Tod in the forehead, knocking his head away from Nuke's leg. A few more kicks and Tod lets go of Nuke's leg and rolls outside of the ring. Nuke limps around the ring a little, massaging his bitten leg.
JT : Look, Greg! He's got freakin' bite marks on his leg!
GP : I wouldn't use that word if I were you. You know our new commissioner doesn't like people using his word.
JT : What word, leg? Well, leg leg leg leg leggity leg.
GP : Not leg, dumbass. AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) considers "freakin'" his word.
JT : Ha, you said the commissioner's word! You're gonna get fired!
GP : Oh, don't be ridiculous. He doesn't even have the power to- Hey, what the hell's this? I've just been handed a sheet of paper that reads, "You're freakin' fired. Go back to South Carolina!"
Nelson : Ha ha!
GP : I think somebody needs to tell our new commissioner that he's not really a dictator and he can't do whatever he wants. There's no way that he can- Wait, I've just been handed another piece of paper. It says, "Yes I freakin'
can, you South Carolinian transvestite."
Nelson : Ha ha!
JT : Ooh, he hit you where it hurts!
GP : Grrrr...
Once again finally getting back to the match, Nuke slides out of the ring and grabs Tod by the hair, who was just getting to his feet (Tod, not his hair; his hair doesn't have feet, tard). Nuke rears back and punches Tod square in
the face. From in the ring, the referee again yells at Nuke, threatening to disqualify him if he continues using a closed fist.
JT : Oh, yeah, the referee gets all bent out of shape over a few little loves taps from Nuke, but he doesn't say anything when Tod tries to BITE NUKE'S LEG OFF!
GP : Well, maybe he thought Nuke deserved the biting.
JT : Aw, shaddap.
Nuke shrugs off the referee and throws Tod in the ring by the hair. Nuke takes him time climbing up onto the apron and stepping through the ropes. He bends to pick Tod up, but suddenly Tod lunges with a Spike Dudley-style headbutt to the genitals. Nuke staggers around, clutching his unmentionables, giving Tod to jump to his feet. He waits for Nuke to turn around, then blasts him with a TAM (kick to the shin). Nuke collapses to the mat and Tod jumps on for the cover.
JT : Yes! Yes! Nuke kicked out of Tod's finisher! In your FACE, God!
GP : Would you stop blaming Tod's title reign on God?
JT : Why doesn't He come down here and make me, huh? 'Cause he knows it's true!
Tod looks frustrated that the TAM couldn't get the job done. He goes to the corner and mounts the turnbuckle, waiting for Nuke to get to his feet. When he does so, Tod leaps with a crossbody. He makes contact, but Nuke rolls through with it into a pin.
GP : Tod kicks out in the nick of time.
JT : Damn it! Slow count! Sloooowwww coooouuuuunnnnttt!!
Nuke rips Tod to his feet, hooks him up, and drops him with the Paranoia (implant DDT) all in one smooth motion. He covers Tod's prone body.
GP : Tod again somehow finds the willpower to kick out. Say what you want about him, JT, but the kid has got heart.
JT : Heart, schmeart. That won't matter much when he's being put through a woodshredder!
GP : ...What?
JT : Ehhh, I don't even know anymore.
Nuke pounds on the mat several times and stands up. He then quickly drops a leg across Tod's throat.
GP : Nuke keeps up his relentless, vicious assault here in this match.
JT : You damn right he does! Nuke is the mizz-an!
GP : You really are pathetic.
JT : So?
Nuke again lifts Tod up by the hair and whips him hard across the ring into the turnbuckle. Tod hits with such velocity that he bounces out, clutching his back. Nuke runs with a hellacious- wait, no, that's a JR word ... um, a
hellish clothesline, but Tod ducks at the last second and hits a neckbreaker. Both men lay on the mat, catching their breath.
JT : Oh c'mon, ref! That was so illegal!
GP : How so?
JT : Quiet, you.
Nuke is the first to his feet. He stands up as Tod begins crawling on his hands and knees. Nuke runs with another soccer kick, but Tod rolls out of the way and leg sweeps Nuke down. He then chumps on his evil opponent and begins pummeling him with lefts and rights.
GP : My God! Tod is exploding on Nuke! Look at him beat the hell out of him!
JT : Hey! That's not fair! Tod is supposed to suck!
Tod keeps on beating Nuke with such ferocity that Nuke is unable to counter. Finally, the ref has to bodily drag Tod off of the other man to stop the flurry of punches. Tod stands up, catching his breath as he waits for Nuke to
get up. When he does, Tod leaps and nails Nuke with a picture-perfect dropkick in the chops. He jumps on for the cover.
GP : Nuke kicks out at two. This match is heating up into quite a contest.
Tod against mounts the turnbuckle, waiting for Nuke to get up. Tod jumps with a missile dropkick, but Nuke suddenly grabs the ref and shoves him in the way.
GP : Oh, now that was cheap! Nuke makes the ref take the dropkick that he himself should have gotten hit with!
JT : With which he should have been hit, Greg. Learn your grammar.
GP : ...Shut the fuck up.
JT : :(
Tod makes the classic face mistake of crawling over to the ref and checking to see if he's OK. Nuke uses this opportunity to grab Nuke and execute the Nobody Loves You (multiple knee strikes to the face). After ten knees, Nuke finally drops Nuke and slides to the outside of the ring. He pushes the timekeeper down and grabs the man's chair.
JT : Ha! Nuke is about to spice this match up with a little BLLLOOOODDDDD!!
GP : Tod's already bleeding.
JT : Not enough. There can never be enough!
Nuke slides into the ring and raises the chair above his head as he awaits Tod to rise to his feet. When he does so, Nuke swings the chair as hard as he can with a downward swing, but Tod dives to the mat and slides in between the man's legs. Tod raises his arm and low blows Nuke right in his crotch. Nuke, being a man and having testicles, drops the chair and clutches his genitals. Tod wastes no time in walking around him and snatching up the chair. He then bounces off the ropes and goes for a running chairshot, but Nuke ducks right as Tod swings. Tod turns back around into a kick to the balls.
JT : This match has an awful lot of nut-shots.
GP : Yeah, well ... yeah, it does.
Nuke hooks Tod's arms and lifts him into the Burning Psychosis (Underhook facefirst piledriver). He covers.
JT : Damn it! The ref is taking a nap on the job! Get your lazy ass up, zebra!
GP : JT, he's still down from earlier when Nuke shoved him into Tod's dropkick! Nuke could have cost himself this match!
Nuke walks over to the ref, trying to wake him up. Finally, the ref begins to stir and Nuke dives onto Tod for the cover. The ref crawls over to make the count.
GP : My God! Tod gets the shoulder up at the last possible hundredth of a second!
JT : Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is all a Communist conspiracy to keep the belt on Tod!
GP: So, God's a communist, right?
Frustrated as all get out, Nuke grabs the chair and raises it high over his head, preparing to bring it down full force on Tod. Right as he's about to swing, he finds the chair ripped out of his grasp by the ref.
JT : What are you doing, ref?!
GP : He's trying to keep Nuke from cheating!
JT : Oh, OK, fair enough ... Wait, I mean, that's blatant bias!
Nuke turns around, face contorted with anger. Instead of bothering to argue with the ref, he just punches his lights out. The fans start booing Nuke with renewed energy, so he gives them the "Fuck You" symbol. A real class act, that Nuke. However, his distraction costs him, as Tod gets to his knees behind him and delivers yet another low blow.
JT : Damn it, MY balls are starting to hurt!
GP : I think those might be your genital warts, JT.
JT : ...Oh, yeah, you're probably right... stupid hotel towels...
Tod stands up and grabs Nuke by the head, pulling him back into a reverse facelock. He lifts him up and drops him with a reverse DDT driver, then rolls onto the cover.
GP : There it is! The move that originally won Tod the title! But there's no ref! Heavens to Betsy!
JT : Ha ha! That's why Nuke's such a genius! His taking out the ref saved him from- Wait, what the hell is HE doing here?
The fans pop loudly as AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) runs down the entrance ramp, wearing a striped referee shirt. He slides into the ring and dives to make the count.
GP : My Gawd, my Gawd, my GAWD! They don't come any closer than that folks, not if you shave an orangutan and make it have sex with a chicken named Clyde!
JT : Um ... that was a rather odd thing to say.
GP : Yes, it was.
Tod pulls Nuke up, but Nuke elbows him in the chest and drops him with a facebuster. He stands up and begins yelling at AWS Commish (also known as Dictator).
Nuke : What the hell are you doing out here?! Go backstage before I beat your ass back there!
AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) : Freakin' make me!
Nuke shoves the commissioner, knocking him back a few steps. AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) responds with a push of his own, shoving Nuke right into a roll-up by Tod. The Insane One drops down for the cover.
GP : Nuke again kicks out! And that count looked a little fast to me!
JT : OF COURSE IT WAS FAST! AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) is trying to screw Nuke here, 'cause he knows that's the only way his friend Tod will ever win the title!
Nuke and Tod get to their feet quickly, but Nuke hammers Tod with a vicious side kick, sending him flying down to the mat. Nuke turns towards AWS Commish(also known as Dictator)'s for a quick glance, but then reverts his attention back towards the fallen Schitzo Tod.
Nuke begins to stomp away at the fallen Tod, as quickly out from the back comes President Ford. He's dressed in a suit, and slides into the ring. Ford spins the commishinor around, as AWS Commish(also known as Dictator) goes for a right hand due to instint. Ford's able to block it though.
Ford: What are you doing out here!
AWS Commish(also known as Dictator): I'm bein' a freakin' zebra! Tod needs me!
Ford: Listen, if you're the one that makes the count on Nuke, you think Tod'll have proven himself to the IWO audience?!? You think Nuke won't demand another rematch due to YOU screwing him?
AWS Commish(also known as Dictator) begins to think for himself, before he agrees with Ford. Well, we assume he agrees, he could have just gotten bored and wants to watch porn. He leaves the ringside area. That still leaves us without a referee however, as Nuke lifts Schitzo Tod up, and drives him deep into the mat with his Burning Psychosis. Nuke dives on for the cover, as Ford begins to frantically wave out towards the back.
Nuke stands away from the fallen Schitzo Tod, and turns Ford around to face him. Ford looks towards the angry Nuke confused, as Nuke rears back, and clocks Ford square in the skull for costing him the championship. At least in Nuke's eyes. Ford goes flying up and over the top rope from the blow.
GP: Nuke just nailed our President with a huge blow!
JT: Don't get in Nuke's way, no matter who you are it seems! I better retract the singing telegram I had sending his way before she gets hurt!
GP: ... You were going to send Nuke a singing telegram girl?
JT: Well, it sounded like a good idea at the time.
Nuke looks down at the carnage around him, as another referee begins racing out from the back. He slides in, as Nuke reverts his attention back towards the recovering Tod. As he does, Tod hooks Nuke in a front face lock and cradles him up for a cover.
Nuke kicks out of the pin attempt, as they both quickly get to their feet. Tod points to behind Nuke, as Nuke gives Tod a finger. But Nuke's delay allows Tod to TAM him. Nuke reaches down towards his shin, and tries to keep his footing. As Nuke limps on his good foot, turning his back to Tod, Tod tams the back of Nuke's leg, and then hooks Nuke in a reverse face lock. Schitzo Tod then lifts Nuke up, and drives Nuke deep into the middle of the mat.
GP: THERE IT IS! THE MOVE THAT LET TOD WIN THE BELT ORIGINALLY!
JT: NO! NO! WHAT THE HELL IS GOD THINKING?!?!
Tod dives on top for the cover.
GP: God doesn't live here anymore...
Greg Parker lets out an evil laugh, as Schitzo Tod is then handed his World Heavyweight Championship.
Meygon: Your winner, and STILL, IWO World Heavyweight Champion... SCHITZO TOD!
JT bangs his head repeatedly against the announce table.
JT: No, no, no. This can't be happening! ALL THAT CHURCH AND PRAYING FOR NOTHING!
GP: Yeah... you coulda used that time for scoring with beautiful women...
JT: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING!
GP: NO MATTER THE CASE FOLKS, SCHITZO TOD IS STILL THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, and NUKE, has failed his his valient attmept to become champion!
JT: *Sobbering* It's just not fair!
GP: For JT, I'm Greg Parker, tune in this Friday or Saturday on your local television channel for Hostile Takeover!
The camera fades to an image of Tod holding the Championship up to the crowd, as the camera fades out to black.
JT: STUPID GOD~!
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