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Desperate Measures 2002


Desperate Measures
May 5th, 2002

Main Event
World Heavyweight Championship
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) -c- vs. Schitzo Tod vs. Simon Seaman vs. Nuke

North American Title Match
Harold Hash-c- vs. Erik Blake

World Tag Team Championship Match
Enguardo & Mikey Capitali vs. Diablo & Joey Sooner

Crusier Weight Championship
Sam Potright -c- vs. High Flyer


The camera fades in to AWS Man (Also known as Bill), walking into the statium. He enters his dressing room, which is pitch black. As soon as he flicks on the lights, The Insane One is greeted by Schitzo Tod, Tom Ford, Rob Kestler, Psycho Jay, Mad Max, High Flyer, Harold Hash, TDM, The Mysterious Birdman, The Nude, and Brian Blade.

Schitzo Tod: Welcome to your going away to France party, AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)!

AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Freak, Tod. How did you freakin' know it was my Birthday? Wow, thanks you freakin' guys.

Brian Blade: It actually isn't your birthday...

AWS Man(Also Known as Bill): It has to be someone's birthday, how in freakin' hell can you say that person may not be freakin' me!

Schitzo Tod: Now, AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)... It is time for THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Do you recognize this voice?

Voice: ...

AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Freakin' Pen!

Schitzo Tod: Correctness!

Rob Kestler: Derp.

Everyone gets all happy and stuff as the camera fades.

Mad Max: REDUNDANT!

High Flyer: Max, that phrase only works when something IS redundant.

Mad Max: Oh... whoops.

A Black Screen...

I'm not alone cause the TV's on yeah.
I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday.
A picture of Simon Seaman, holding the World Heavyweight Championship in his hands, defeating Matt Rivers last October at Autumn in Hell.
And rest, clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside with your grain.
Clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside.
A picture of Nuke, alongside Simon Seaman, dishing out punishment to members like Matt Rivers, High Flyer, and Sam Potright.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
AWS Ninja(Also Known as Grasshopper)'s foot lying on the bottom rope, Nuke being waved out by Simon Seaman, and then the crashing of the baseball bat with his skull.
Tune in and we can get the last call.
Our lives, our coal.
AWS Ninja(Also known as Grasshopper) is shown nailing Simon Seaman with Drop you on your freakin' face, knocking Seaman out.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
The referee's hand is shown coming down three times, and AWS Ninja(Also Known as Grasshopper) holding the championship high for all to see.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade.
Our lives.
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) is shown, speaking Hostile Takeover, signifying his speech about retirement.
I'm not alone cause the TV's on yeah.
I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday.
Simon Seaman is shown, entering the arena with the somber face.
And rest, clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside with your grain.
Clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside.
Seaman is shown, greating people backstage with kindness and courtesy. Trying to knock on Nuke's door, but deciding not to.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Schitzo Tod and AWS Man(also known as Bill) staring at Nuke, a two on one situation, before Simon Seaman started to come out.)
Tune in and we can get the last call.
Our lives, our coal.
Seaman is shown extending his hand to Nuke inside the ring, a sign of sportsmanship.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Seaman is shown with a silver chair in his hand, repeatedly smashing it into the fallen Nuke.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade, our lives.
(I bled the) greed from my arm.
Nuke is shown, his face bloody from the assault.
Won't they give it a rest now?
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Schitzo Tod being hammered in the shin with the steel chair, the same move that he normally uses.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Tune in and we can get the last call.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt, our hearts littering the topsoil.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade.
Simon Seaman, microphone in hand, staring towards the ring. The match is book, the future is set, and history will be written.

"Bleed American" by Jimmy Eat World

The camera returns from a black picture as it fades into the arena, as we fade into the historic Hammerstein Ballroom, in New York. The fans are on their feet with some signs, and mostly just glad to be there in general, in the place where WWF stood ten years ago, and ECW rocked four years ago. The camera finally landed on Greg Parker and JT, who both stood with microphones in hand.

GP: Fans! Welcome to Desperate Measures 2002! We are live here from the historic Hammerstein ballroom!

JT: Never though I'd be back in THIS dive. But it doesn't matter, because tonight, Seaman regains his title, and the world is right!

GP: Well, Seaman gets a chance to. Schitzo Tod, Nuke, and AWS Man(also known as Bill) have something to say about that however.

JT: Pffft, Tod only speaks when he's spoken to!

GP: *Confused* Sure. Anyway, also on the card include the World Tag team Title straps being defended, as the current champions, Mikey Capitali and Edguardo battle their tag team partners Joey Sooner and Diablo!

JT: Yeah, and these two teams hate each other. Well, not the teams that are facing, but the teams that make up the teams... this is a confusing situation.

GP: Also tonight, Harold Hash defends his North American Title against Erik Blake. It'll be interesting if Blake can get a taste of Gold in his mouth...

Cruisier Weight Championship
vs.
Sam Potright -c- vs. High Flyer

GP: High Flyer and Sam Potright return to action to square off against one another here in this Crusier Weight rematch from Ice Age, when Sam Potright brutally attacked Flyer before the match had started.

JT: He pratically kidnaped Flyer and beat him to hell, and he never really explained why. Then again, these two have ties going back to the mid 90's down in Mexico, and it seems wherever Sam Potright is, High Flyer is right there next to him, either in some sort of partnership role, or in some sort of enemy style.

GP: High Flyer's the one that chipped Sam Potright's tooth, and injury that can still be seen today on the young man, as well as the man who broke Sam Potright's ribs in 1999. Sam Potright believed that Flyer was holding him down inside the tag team ranks, and beat up his former friend Paul Hanson as a result in order to leave Flyer behind and move on with his life.

JT: And it seems that no matter the situation, Potright and Flyer have balanced themselves out over the years. It's not just a matter of proving who's better, it's a matter of who's better tonight.

GP: Each of these men have such high risk styles that it makes any match between them interesting. They even took it out in EPIC Wrestling just a few months ago, and now, we see them here tonight on IWO Television.

JT: Throw in the fact that they've accomplished pratically everything between the two of them, High Flyer having won every championship the IWO has to offer, as well as Sam Potright pratically doing the same. There's just so much history...

GP: It's amazing these two guys still have a resemblance of a friendship on going.

JT: Gah to friendship, I want seething hatred...

Meygon: This next match, is schedule under Lucha Libra rules, and is for the IWO Crusier Weight Championship!

The fans pop at the meantion of the title.

Meygon: The rules are simple. The match is to be taken place in two out of three fall fashion, with falls counting for submissions, pinfalls, disqualifications, and count outs. Piledrivers are banned during the matchup, and the first one to score two falls on their opponent is the winner!

"Loco" by Coal Chamber hits the pa system as the fans start to rumble alongside the music. As it reaches the apex, fireworks blast, and standing there is High Flyer, his hair a dark black, red and blue streaks, alongside his trusty wife and IWO Local resident Kate Young. They both make their way to the ring hand in hand, tagging the fans as they go, before Flyer slide into the ring.

Meygon: Introducing first, he is the challenger. Currently residing in Los Angelos, California, he weighs in tonight at 93 kilos. He is the master of the Flying Moon Shot, and is the first ever grand slam champion of the IWO. Here is High Flyer!

"Hemorage(In My Hands)" by Fuel starts up as a slightly darker, twisted Sam Potright walks out from the back. He has the crusier weight championship dragging behind him, even to the dismay of the fans. However, before he can climb into the ring, Flyer already has left his feet for a piscada. However, Potright had the attention to side step, causing Flyer to land viciously on the outside pads.

GP: Flyer going for all or nothing, and got nothing.

JT: A crack like that, you expect some sort of bleeding!

Potright grabbed Flyer up off the mat by his hair, and laid into him with two right hands, causing Flyer to spin around. Potright then grabbed Flyer's skull, and rammed him into the nearby turnbuckle face first. Flyer flew down to the canvas steps, as Sam Potright took the Crusier Weight Championship that was in his hands, and started to whip a prone High Flyer with it. The fans looked on gasping.

A certain fan got into the face of Potright, which pulled him to the side, distracting him. By the time Potright turned around, Flyer was able to take Potty's legs out from him, sending him back first on the ground. Flyer leap on top for a few vicious right hands of his own, looking to draw Potright's blood.

GP: These two are going absolutely hellacious at one another.

JT: Is hellacious a verb?

Flyer got up off of Potright, before picking him up by his hair as well, and going to ram him into the guardrail that was set up. Potright was able to block, reversing the move and sending Flyer into the guardrail. Flyer let out a cry, as Potright charged, cross body blocking Flyer, sandwiching him between body and steel.

GP: Potright with an innovative move.

JT: I've seen it before.

GP: Okay, fine. A rare move, happy?

Flyer dropped down to his knees, clutching his chest, as Potright released a vicious soccer kick to Flyer's ribs. Flyer fell all the way down to his stomach before getting back to his knees, looking to crawl somewhere. Potright however was right behind him, until he got distracted...

With pulling out a ladder from underneath the ring.

GP: Uhmmm, I hope Potright realizes there are disqualifications.

JT: And I hope you go back to your university tomorrow and tell them how crappy of a job they did educating you. The match hasn't started Greg. We're still in pre-match hype mode here.

Flyer turned around, groaing at what Potright had taken out, before taking it right in the teeth. He fell back first as Potright held the ladder horizontally across his mid section, smiling. Flyer begun to instinctivly crawl away from it, but he was crawling up towards the entrance ramp, away from the ring.

GP: Where is Flyer going here?

JT: I think he's running Parker. No, I'm sure of it.

Potright saw this, taking the ladder up with him and stopping in front of the gasping Flyer. He set the ladder down, before smacking Flyer across the face. Flyer bounced back, clutching his jaw, as Potright just stood confused. He looked up towards the IWO-Tron, the IWO sheild located above the entrance way, a good eight feet above them, and he had an idea.

However the idea would have to wait, for when he turned around, Flyer charged towards him. Potright was able to duck down instinctively, and went for a back body drop. It was something he hit too.

However, Flyer was able to use the back body drop motion to do an entire rotation, hooking into the shield instead of landing on the cold metallic stage. The fans began to stand as Flyer tried to regain his footing, only with the IWO-tron swaying back and forth due to the added weight.

GP: Dear God! What is Flyer doing!

JT: I don't think this was planned Greg.

Potright turned around, seeing the scrambling Flyer before him, and looked back over towards his ladder. He picked it up onto his shoulders, and rammed it into the lower back of Flyer, sending him even more prone. Flyer tries to with his last bit of strength, get to his feet on top of the tron, but Potright had other ideas still, ramming the ladder once again, this time targeting Flyer's stabeling feet. This caused Flyer's feet to jut forward, Flyer's back free falling in a crowd gasping way. His feet however were his saving grace, hooking in the design of the shield, the metallic rung surrounding the video it self.

Flyer hung suspended, in a tree of woe fashion.

And Potright let out a hideous smile.

GP: Dear God! Flyer is just hung up there, no where to go, and Potright, he's setting up the ladder!

JT: What do you think he's going to do?

Potright climbed up the ladder slowly, one rung at a time for whatever reason, before reaching the top of the tron. Flyer pulled himself up using his legs, and tried to punch Potright a few times, but it was all in veign, as Potright, with his stable position, was able to just soccer kick Flyer straight in the face. This jarred Flyer loose, sending him back first into a fall onto the metallic stage. Potright looked down, his smile still standing, as he stretched his arms out.

And dove.

GP: CHRIST AIR! CHRIST AIR OFF THE IWO-TRON ONTO THE STAGE!

JT: JESUS!

GP: JESUS CHRIST AIR!!

JT: That's not the way I meant Jesus Greg...

Potright laid next to Flyer, clutching his own ribs as Flyer laid pratically unconsious. Potright's face was winced with pain, as he slowly regained his foothold. Potright picked Flyer up by his hair, and slowly, cautiously drug him to the ring. When he reached, he rolled Flyer inside, as Potright rolled in himself. Potty then fell on top of Flyer, exhausted from everything.

*Ding, ding, ding*

1...

2....

3.

*Ding, ding, ding*

And Potright got to his feet, raising his hands in what he believed was victory. Potright dropped down, rolling out to the outside before grabbing his belt back, and slowly making his way to the back.

GP: Where the hell is Potright going?

JT: Don't you know Parker? Pinfall equals victory!

GP: Not true JT! For the Crusier Weight Championship, Potright has to get two falls on Flyer, one just won't cut it.

Potright slowly walked his way up the ramp, not realizing that the rules had changed since he had been champion. They weren't what he wanted, they weren't the rules he won the belt under. He was confused to say the least.

And when the referee inside counted to ten, ringing the bell again, Potright turned back towards the ring confused.

*Ding, ding ding*

The referee waved for Potright to come back down to the ring, when it finally registered with him. Potright came running down, clutching his ribs with every other step, before sliding into the ring. Flyer was just getting to his feet, as Potright waited for him.

GP: Potright's back in the ring, the falls are tied up, one to one, and Flyer is getting up, probably with no knowledge of the past five minutes.

Flyer got completely to his feet, stumbling around in a daze, holding his ribs. Flyer turned towards Potright, who hooked Flyer as he did to his side. Potright went for War within a Breath, but Flyer didn't fall with him, causing Potright to land viciously on his back. Flyer then grabbed the prone Potright's legs, and fliped forward, rolling through for a cover.

One...

Two....

Potright bridged up from the mat, and turned Flyer over so he had him doubled over. Potright lifted Flyer up off the mat for a powerbomb, but Flyer was able to fall behind Potright, running off the ropes. Flyer bounced back at the confused Potright, and caught Potty with a vicious back elbow, spinning back landing on his stomach. Potright clutched at his jaw, as Flyer attempted to get to his feet, still trying to shake the cobwebs out. Potright rolled to a standing position. Potright used the ropes for leverage running off the ropes. Flyer bent over, tilt-a-whirling Potright up, however Potright went for a headscissor. Flyer however, was too close to the ropes, and used the middle rope to keep himself up, and keep Potright on his shoulders. Flyer then used his shoulders and arms to lift Potright's upper body up forwards, having him in an upside down L positiong, before dropping him in a stomach first powerbomb.

GP: Flyer driving Potright into the canvas on an already weakened chest! And Potright rolls over to relieve the pain from his chest, just as Flyer climbed up to the top. The fans are waiting for it!

Flyer looks between his legs and sees Potright down, face up, and the fans in attendance rising to their feet. He then leaps off with a picture perfect moonsault, landing on top of Sam Potright, taking any and all air out of him.

JT: Flying Moon Shot! NO! Kickout Sammy!

GP: There it was! The Flying Moon Shot!

1....

2....

3.

*Ding, ding ding*

Meygon: Your winner, and NEW, IWO Crusier Weight Championship, High Flyer!

The referee walks over to the corner, grabbing the Crusier Weight championship that was dropped on the outside when Sam had run down earlier. He hands it to the beaten and bruised Flyer.

GP: And there he is! We have a new Crusier Weight Champion in...

JT: WAIT A SECOND! IS THAT WHO I THNK IT IS!?!

GP: I THINK IT IS! FLYER DOESN'T SEE HIM! FROM BEHIND.... DAZED AND CONFUSED! DAZED AND CONFUSED! DONNIE DAZE JUST LAID HIGH FLYER OUT WITH DAZED AND CONFUSED!

Donnie Daze looks down at the fallen Flyer in the ring, and grabs the championship that he was holding up into his hands. Raising it to the crowd, he recieves a mixture of cheers, before he puts the title around his own waist. Then, climbing up to the top rope, he looked out to the crowd who was standing, awaiting the oncoming splash.

And Daze wouldn't dissapoint, bouncing off the mat after nailing Flyer with his version of the frogsplash, the Daze Blaze, the championship being driven into both of their guts. On impact, the championship unhooked, landing upside down on the prone and painful Flyer. Daze got to his feet, clutching at his ribs with his right hand before raising his left to the crowd. Daze turned back over towards Flyer, and saw the belt lying there, picking it up and placing it on his shoulders. Daze slowly made his way away from the ring, which medical officials attended to the beaten down High Flyer.

As attendents worked on High Flyer, the cameras turned backstage to see the Disposable Heroes, Derek Edwards and Josh Klein. Edwards seems to be standing there with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

Derek Edwards: Now, why didn't we do that?

Josh Klein: Uhmmm, I think it's because we're in the tag team division, and he's not.

Derek Edwards: But we're both crusier weights! Why can't we be in both?

Josh Klein: Well, Jake Walker's not in both, and he's in the same shoes as we are.

Derek Edwards: So? We're not Jake Walker.

Josh Klein: No, no we're not. But imagine if we were.

There was a slight pause, before they both shuddered.

Derek Edwards: Yeah man. That's harsh. I mean, at least Ford gets OUR names right.

The locker room door burst open, with Jake Walker standing there. Edwards and Klein looked over confused.

Derek Edwards: Uhmm, are you in the wrong room?

Jake Walker: You said my name! You get a gold star!

Jake Walker reached into his tights, which caused Edwards and Klein to shield their eyes and groan.

Derek Edwards: I'm pretty sure we don't want a gold star.

Jake Walker pulled out a sheet of Gold stickers from his pocket, walking over to Klein, and placing it on his forehead. Klein looked over at Edwards, as Walker went walking over to Edwards too. They nodded to one another, before they both caught Walker with a vicious high/low leg kick combination, sending Walker flying down in the locker room area.

GP: Dear God! The Disposable Heroes' just caught Walker with what was once called Total Elimination!

Edwards and Klein looked down at the fallen Walker, each with the same confused expression they had on their face from earlier. They slowly made their way out of their locker room.

Edwards: Gold star this...

Klein came walking back from from off screen, grabbing the sheet of gold stars that Walker had left behind. He quickly ran back offscreen to catch up with Edwards, wherever he was.

The camera faded over towards the office of Thomas Ford. He was shaking his head in disguist after the recent segment, hunched over a small 9 inch television that sat on his desk. Papers were piled high, phone lines were blinking like crazy, but Ford seemed somewhat content, as much as he could be while showing his annoyance.

Thomas Ford: Oh come on. Breaker may be annoying, and I may occassionally think it's Jack Walker and Jake Breaker, but Walker didn't deserve this. I mean, he may be an idiot... *mumbles* like most of the IWO today *End* but he still didn't deserve that.

Ford sighed.

Thomas Ford: Hostile Takeover, we'll have the Deadlier Sins battling the Disposable Heroes. How about that for impromptu booking?

Ford waited for an answer.

Thomas Ford: Oh yeah, I seem to be alone. Isn't that a kick in the teeth.

World Tag Team Championship
vs.
Mikey Capitali & Edguardo vs. Joey Sooner & Diablo

GP: A rather odd pairing is up next...

JT: To say the least Parker. These people love their opponents and hate their partners.

GP: To say the least. Edguardo has annoyed Capitali since they've become champions, and neither man has been able to get on the same page as the other. Now, they are forced to fight their own tag team partners. Let's take it to Meygon.

Meygon: This next match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the IWO World Heavyweight Tag Team Championships!

The fans let out a groan. The hated both of these teams, and the only entertainment value they had was the fact that they were forced to seperate and fight each other. Which is an intriguing concept to say the least. "Asthmatic" by Spineshank came over the pa system. Being that it was an unfamilar song, the crowd guessed that the former tag team champions, Those Damned Mexicans, would be making their way out. And they greated them like so.

Meygon: Introducing first, from tijuana Mexico. First, he is one half of the current tag team champions, Edguardo! And second, he is the other have of Those Damned Mexicans, Diablo!

Diablo and Edguardo walk out from the back, Edguardo with the title belt over his shoulder. They slowly make their way towards the ring, fans shouting obscenties and the like. Cuz that's what fans do to the bad guys.

Meygon: And their... well... sorta opponents...

"Dupa Blocuri" by B.U.G Mafia comes over the pa system as the fans turned towards the entrance ramp now, still hazing.

Meygon: They weigh at a combined... stupid smudges... They weigh at a certain amount of weight, and they have like... moves. One half of the tag team champions, Mikey Capitali, and his opponent slash usual partner Joey Sooner. They are the Italien Mobsters!

Capitali and Sooner slide into the ring, both going together to a neutral corner. They look towards Edguardo and Diablo, who are also together, as slowly, Joey Sooner and Edguardo switch places in an odd situation. Capitali and Edguardo look at each other with disdain...

GP: These people hate each other, and they're forced to wrestle one another.

JT: It's not fair. I mean, if Seaman ever had to wrestle any of his friends...

GP: Seaman doesn't HAVE any friends.

JT: That's because no one matches up to the high level of demand and characteristics needed to be Seaman's friend!

GP: Or because Nuke turned on him at the last pay per view for a shot at glory.

JT: If I ever want your opinion I'll ask... No, I won't ever want your opinion.

As the two teams looked at one another, the lights went out in the arena.

JT: AH~! HOLD ME GREG!

"Sellout" by Biohazard began to play over the pa system, as some of the fans in attendance began to cheer. When the lights back back on, standing in the middle of the ring was the Legion of Dairy, cHEESE and egg NOG, the former two time UKW Tag Team Champions. Greg Parker wet's his pants.

GP: DEAR GOD! THAT'S THE LEGION OF DAIRY! WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?!?!

The four men inside the ring looked at one another, before Mikey Capitali charged with the tag team title. However, Capitali was caught when egg NOG ducked underneath, hooking Capitali's armpits, and rising up, driving Capitali down into the mat with the NOG down.

GP: NOG DOWN! NOG DOWN!

JT: How the hell do you know these guys finishers?!?

And with that, Joey Sooner charged towards the one known as cHEESE, before cHEESE kicked him in the gut, locked him in a Stunner like position, before flipping backwards and nailing him with the Shut Up Juice. The fans exploded in cheers. Edguardo and Diablo looked at each other, before each dropping out of the ring. cHEESE and egg NOG looked to the outside, grabbing Diablo and Edguardo by whatever they could and bringing them back into the ring. egg NOG threw Diablo into the corner, as cHEESE kicked Edguardo low, turn him around and placing him in an inverted double underhook. egg NOG began to climb the turnbuckle ropes, as the fans who were in the building knew what was going to happen.

GP: Dear God! The Legion of Dairy have Those Damned Mexicans, and... SIMULTANIOUS FINISHERS! egg NOG just laied out Diablo with the Dairytown Death Drop, as cHEESE laid Edguardo into the mat with Gc2k!

JT: Why the hell are they here! Why did they ruin the tag team title match! I wanted to see blood! And who the hell are these people!

GP: Quiet JT, I'll tell you if we go to commercial...

cHEESE and egg NOG leave the ring to a rounding display of cheers from the fans, as they raise their hands in some form of victory.

Meanwhile in the backstage area, we see a mysterious figure at the end of the hall sitting on a chair surrounded by darkness. As weird sounds are heard in the background, the cameraman moves closer and closer attempting to depict what is going on. Finally, we notice the figure to be none other than Simon Seaman, slumped over preparing for his match-up. The lights above him begins to flicker as he tilts his head up to stare at a large poster of Nuke up on the wall. The cameraman seeks cover behind a partition with the ability to film Seaman's actions from a safe proximity. In the process of Seaman glaring at the picture, he begins to talk to it.


Simon: You'd think that after all this time, you would understand where I was coming from. What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Seriously, I thought we were in this together damn it. Like Starsky and Hutch, Abbott and Costello, the stylish colour that is black with another colour...I thought we were close.

Kicking the leg of his chair with his heel in utter frustration, Simon continues.

Simon: Weren't we in this together in the long run? I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine and fetch me a sandwich. Wasn't that how it was going to be? You know what I'm talking about because you were there. If you weren't, then who the hell was I talking to? You know it's you so don't you dare lie. I provided you with anything and everything that you could possibly ever want and need in this world and what do you do to repay me? You go all Jim Carrey in "The Cable Guy" on me and try to ruin my career.

Staring down at the ground with his face buried into his hands, he decides to pause for a moment.

Simon: I don't deserve this. Without me, you wouldn't be where you are today. Sure you won matches and held titles before I came into the picture, but were you ever at the level that you are now when Simon Seaman was looking after you? The answer to that query is of course a big "N" to the "O". That's no if you don't know what I'm getting at. I practically gave you that North American championship reign. Whatever you asked for, I made sure you got it because that's what allies do. How could you do this to me?

With his voice increasing by the sentence, he decides to take his anger out on the poster. Leaving his chair and making his way over to it, he slams his fist against the wall.

Simon: How could you do this to me?! You want to destroy me, Simon Seaman? Who do you think you are?! Let me repeat that again...who do you think you are?!

In a pure state of rage, Simon tears part of the poster off the wall and throws the remains to the ground.

Simon: Where's my title, Nuke? Where is my title? Do you see it on my hot waist? I don't think so. Where is it now? On that AWS Man (also known as Bill) who gave you nothing in return for what you did? Is that the guy who has my title?!

Violently stomping the shards of paper on the concrete, he is eventually brought back down to earth. Taking a moment to regain his breath, he stands up straight and stares at the rest of the Nuke poster still on the wall.

Simon: You want to mess with Simon Seaman? How about I mess with you? Go ahead and neglect what I did for you because sooner or later, what you pulled at Broken Hearts and Broken Bones is going to haunt you. Not only tonight, but for the rest of your professional career.

Kicking the chair to the wall, Simon then walks away from the poster without even taking his eyes off it. As he leaves the shot, we hear him yell something from afar.

Simon: How about you nuke this?!

We cut backstage, to the President's office. We see Tom Ford, negotiating with some important-looking businessman. They seem to be involved in a dispute over some contracts or other. Suddenly, Jack Breaker bursts in through the open door, face in a sort of quiet panic.

Tom: Jack, what are you doing here!? Don't you knock? I'm doi...

Jack: No, no. This is important! Have you seen Jake around?

Tom: You guys aren't even booked tonight!

Jack: Have you seen him, or not?

Tom: He hasn't been in my office, no!

Jack: Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

Tom: What?

The business man Tom had been negotiating with gathers his stuff up and heads for the door.

Man: I can see you're busy... I'll come back some other time.

He leaves.

Tom: Breaker, you idiot! That was the CEO of Pepsi! We were this close to striking an advertising deal! That would've pulled us right out of all this financial trouble!

Jack: He'll be back.

Tom: How do you know?

Jack: I swiped the PDA out of his jacket pocket.

Tom: Ah.

Jack: But seriously. I have reason to believe that this arena... is haunted.

Tom: Haunted?! Don't be crazy!

Jack: Well, how would you explain all those mysterious disappearances? Like Jake, and... uhm... the peanut guy...

Tom: Don't worry about Jake. Maybe he's just playing hide-and-seek.

Jack: Nah, we can't play that anymore... not after the time that Erik Blake got locked in the supply closet.

Tom: Oh, yeah. How exactly did that happen? I mean, it's not like there's a keyhole in there...

Jack: That's not important. All right, let me tell you the story. Me and Jake were discussing which one of the Scooby Doo kids could beat Batman in a cage match, when he went out to get a soda. And he never came back.

Tom: Maybe he got lost.

Jack: No, me and Aubrey searched this place up and down. Except... the sub-basement.

Tom: Why not?

Jack: The ghosts, stupid! Aren't you listening to me?

Tom: ...no. Wait a second, how do you know there are ghosts?

Jack: The bloody footprints... the hideous screams... the smell of motor oil and booze... wait... on second thought, has Evan Levine been around lately?

Tom: That would explain why all of the toilet paper and light bulbs are missing...

Jack: Anyway, we've got to go investigate.

Tom: Why am I being dragged into all this?

Jack: Because you're flammable and, if need be, you'd make a good human shield.

Tom: Good point. Let's go.

Cut.
North American Title Match
vs.
Harold Hash -c- vs. Erik Blake

GP: Well. It's time for some exciting North American title action! Harold Hash, set to defend his title against Erik Blake... let's get right down to Meygon for the introductions.

Meygon: The following contest is sceduled for one fall, and it is for the IWO North American Championship! Making his way to the ring first, from Raleigh, North Carolina, he weighs in at 235 pounds, the North American champion, Harold Hash!

"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse hits as Harold steps out onto the stage. He raises his title belt over his head and struts to the ring as the crowd cheers. He slides into the ring and signals a pyrotechnic explosion around the ring.

Meygon: And the challenger, from Chicago, Illinois, he weighs in at 256 pounds, Erik Blake!

"Fight Music" by D12 hits as Erik steps out onto the stage. The crowd sort of goes "Enh" as he walks to the ring. He slides in and meets Hash's boot as he begins angrily stomping on the back of his head. Erik tries to work his way up to his feet, but Harold keeps him down with an elbow drop. Erik clutches his head in pain as Harold mounts the turnbuckle and lets fly with a diving headbutt. Erik rolls out of the way at the last second and Harold lands hard on his chin. Erik goes for a cheap cover, but Harold gets the shoulder up before one. Erik pulls him up to his feet and starts to work up momentum with a few quick chops. Harold stumbles backwards, and Erik whips him into the ropes. Hash rebounds, and Erik jams a forearm into his face. As Harold bends down and grabs his nose, Erik hooks his neck and DDTs him to the mat. Hash quickly gets up, and Erik tries for a front facelock. Hash reverses and shoves Erik into the ropes, then charges into the opposite ropes, rebounds, and nails Erik with a flying forearm.

GP: Strong offense by Harold Hash.

JT: Well, OBVIOUSLY!

Harold brings Erik up and digs in with an elbow. Erik leans back, and Harold drives his arm down on his throat. Erik hits the mat hard and stays down. Hash mounts the turnbuckle and pauses for a second at the top to appeal to the crowd. This gives Erik enough time to sneak up and steal a superplex. He covers.

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

GP: Harold Hash kicks out at two!

Erik brings Harold back up and locks in a standing side headlock. Harold tries to fight out of it with a few cheap ribshots, but Erik maintains his grip, jumps up, and drives Hash's face firmly into the mat. He gets up, and the fans boo as he lands a vicious elbow drop. He covers again, but Harold grabs the bottom rope and the ref stops counting. Harold works his way to a vertical base in time to get caught off guard by a snap powerbomb by Erik Blake. Hash rolls off of his shoulders and writhes in pain a bit.

GP: Not looking good for our champion... it's just plain embarassing to lose to Erik Blake.

Erik pulls Harold up once more and hooks from behind... gutwrench backbreaker... the Bone Scraper.

GP: Erik Blake hits the Bone Scraper! Looks like this is just about... wait! He brings him up once more...

Erik hooks in a facelock, but Harold blocks it and takes Harold down with a Diamond dust... he mounts the turnbuckle, waves to the fans, and...

GP: This is a long name for a move that isn't all to impressive but i like cause I am like that, and if you don't like it you can suck on my toes till your nads fall off and smack you in the face...BWAHAHAHAHAHA, okay this is a really long name for a damn move, and it isn't all to descriptive and I know noone will ever call it that but I don't care, we are getting back to cause I am like that too, oh yeah this really isn't correct grammar. Barq's is the best Root Beer of all kind! Incredible! Erik Blake is finished!

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

*THREE!*

*DING DING DING!*

Meygon: Here's your winner, and still the IWO North American champion, Harold Hash!

"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse hits once more as Hash raises his belt triumphantly. He struts up the ramp and out of sight as Erik stares on incredulously in the ring. Hash almost seems taunting Blake with the title at the top of the ramp, when Blake suddently gets a smile across his face. Standing behind him is the two time former IWO World Heavyweight Champion, Capital Punishment.

JT: DEAR GOD! IS THIS RISE THE OLD FOOGIES FROM THE GRAVE DAY OR WHAT?!!

GP: What the hell do you...... WAIT! CAPPY! HE'S BEHIND HASH! AND HASH TURNS AROUND, boot to the stomach, and Cappy has Hash up on his shoulders... and DEATH PENALTY! I THINK THAT'S DEATH PENALTY. POWERBOMB OFF THE STAGE!

Cappy looks down at the fallen Hash, before he turns around and leaves.

GP: What the hell was that all about!

JT: Beef.

GP: What?

JT: It's what's for dinner.

GP: ... *Shakes head*

Continuing to prepare for his main event in an empty locker room, we hear Simon Seaman listening to some music to get him hyped up for the match. Meticulously placing each piece of protective equipment on himself, he nods his head to the music. About to finish the task, the song suddenly stops to Simon's dismay. As a furious expression is seen on his face, Simon looks up and speaks.

Simon: Did I tell you to stop? Look at me when I'm talking to you? When I pay you two dollars and a chiclet an hour to play that music, you do it you hear me? That's good money if you can get it in this town for goodness sake? Either play that funky music, white boys or leave. What's it going to be?

The camera slowly pans to the left as Simon awaits an answer. Appearing in the corner of the screen, two individuals wearing tuxedos hold their violins in hand. Apparently frightened from Seaman's demeanor, they both continue to play.

Simon: If I want the smallest violins playing the saddest song in the world, I'm dog gone going to get it!

Tying up his boots, he motions for them to proceed with the depressing music.

Simon: Yadda yadda yadda, it's all sad and stuff. Boo to the hoo, but get to the good part while I'm young.

Finished with everything, Simon lays back in his chair with his hands folded behind his heads. Placing his feet up on another chair, he takes a deep breath to try to calm himself down.

Simon: Yes, that's it. You're doing great. Keep it moving, people. All you have to do is keep it moving.

Without warning, a string breaks on one of the individual's violin and they are forced to stop the song. In disbelief of what has just occurred, Seaman gets up from his chair, stares at both gentleman and smacks the instruments from their grasps. Knocking the music sheets off the stands, he throws a fit and starts screaming at them.

Simon: What does this look like to you? This isn't break... your... instrument thingy and screw up Simon Seaman's jubilee of mystical fun and wonder! How about I desperately measure how long it will take me to kick your collective asses?! It's times like this that I think I should've hired REO Speedwagon instead.

Storming out of the room, he leaves both gentleman by themselves having absolutely nothing to do.

Simon: At least they know my pain...don't even get me started with MC Hammer. He knows where I'm coming from.

We cut backstage, to a dark dark passageway. We see, from the light of a lone match, Jack Breaker and Tom Ford, sneaking around the arena's sub-basement.

Tom: Ugh... tell me again what we're doing down here?

Jack: ..I thought you knew.

Tom: But... ick! I stepped in a spiderweb.

Suddenly, the whole room becomes illuminated.

Jack: Wow... this match sure did come in handy!

The match burns down to Jack's fingertips and flickers out. The room remains lit up.

Jack: Ow... bloody stupid little... wait a second... where's that light comming from?

The light shuts off for a second, then illuminates again. The camera swivels to the source of the light... it's shaped like a gigantic spider's eye.

Jack: Hey, that light kind of looks like a... holy shit.

The light moves, and we see a gigantic robot spider emerge from the darkness, followed by two smaller robot spiders. We also see Jake Walker, wrapped up to his chin in spiderweb and hanging from the underbelly of one of the lesser spiders.

Tom: Hey! You said ghosts! That I can deal with! But robot spiders?

Tom picks up a metal pipe and swings wildly in the spider's general direction. One of it's legs comes down swiftly and pins Tom to the floor.

Tom: No! Don't kill me! I'm too sexy to die!

Suddenly, we hear a loud sound, like a wet towel hitting a steel tower. The spider releases his grip and turns around, seemingly in pain. We see Jack Breaker, brandishing two giant trout and crouched ninja-style. He tosses one of the fish to Tom, and they take to the spider's joints. Before long, one leg is immobilized and the spider limps back. The two lesser spiders step out and shoot poison dagger fangs at them. Jack deflects one with the trout, and the other hits the wall inches away from Tom's head. Jack reaches out and tries to hit the spider in the face with his trout, but loses his grip and the fish goes sailing away. The spider quickly knocks Jack to the ground and places a leg on his temple. The other spider does likewise with Tom.

Jack: Well, that's just fucking TERIFFIC.

The spider suddenly lets go. We see it's leg get pulled back by some unseen force, then it snaps off and the spider crashes to the ground in an explosion of sparks and gears. Jack rolls away just in time. The same thing happens for the second spider. Then, Spider-man swings in on a web.

Spider-Man: Hey, see my new movie from Columbia pictures! In theaters now!

He swings away, as mysteriously as he arrived.

Jack: Well, that was gratuitously random.

Tom: Wanna go get some tacos?

Jack: Okay.

They leave. We cut to a shot of Jake Walker, still wrapped up to his chin in spiderweb, sort of rolling after them.

Jake: Mmph... mpph.. wait for meee..

Fade to black.

World Heavyweight Championship
vs. vs. vs.
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) -c- vs. Simon Seaman vs. Nuke vs. Schitzo Tod

GP : Well, fans, here it is. Tonight's main event ... and the final match of IWO semi-legend AWS Man (also known as Bill).

JT : Oh, would you quit acting like a single solitary soul cares about that has-been retiring? He was just another one of those decrepit old fogeys that was waiting to deteriorate, anyway.

GP : Um ... what are you talking about? AWS Man (also known as Bill) only came here not quite two years ago, and I believe he's twenty-eight now, if that.

JT : Twenty-eight? Man! We'd better get this match started before Old Man River croaks on us! I just hope he remembered to take his arthritis medication.

GP : JT, you're older than twenty-eight!

JT : Only in dog years, baby! Only in dog years.

GP : ...So you're four?

JT : Why, um, yes.

GP : ...Moving on, this will be the Insane One's last IWO match, unless he returns in five hours like every other half-decent IWO wrestler that retires *Muttering* and Evan Levine, too *End*. But AWS Man (also known as Bill) does seem quite a bit lazier than any of them, so maybe he'll actually stay retired.

JT : Can we get on with this match? I want to hurry up and get to the main event.

GP : This IS the main event.

JT : Oh yeah ... God, the IWO sucks now.

GP : Let's just get to Meygon in the ring.

Meygon is standing in the ring, wearing less clothes than can fit on a ... a ... oh, fudge it, she's just naked.

Pathetic Loser Reading This On the Computer Who Has No Life Outside of IWO Yet Claims That He's the Only One in the World With a Life - I Mean, Sebastian Crow : WHOOOOO !!! BOUBYS !!?! I HAV A GURLFREND AND YOU DON'TS, MEANIEHEAD !~!! =)

Meygon : Um ... that was quite random, especially considering half the people reading this have no idea who Sebastian Crow was. Anyway, introducing first ... hailing from Long Beach, California ... standing at 6'1" and weighing 157 lbs. - Wow, he must be quite anorexic ... a former TV, I/C Tag, World Tag, Pacific, Unified, and Extreme champion ... the master of the Tod Annihilation Maneuver, and using his patented "Odd" wrestling style ... he is SSSSCCCHHHIIIITTTTTZZZOOOOO TTOOOOODDDDDD!!!!

"Date Rape" by Sublime plays as veteran IWO looney Schitzo Tod come out from the back, riding a unicycle. He gets a mild pop, but it's probably mainly for the unicycle. This is further confirmed when Tod falls off his unicycle within half a second and falls on his ass, which causes him to "turn on" the unicycle and give it a leg drop, evoking some boos from the crowd. Tod sees this and makes up with the unicycle, helping it down to ringside, which gets him back in the good graces of the fans. They sure love their unicycles. Tod rolls into the ring and awaits his opponents by intensely staring in the complete opposite direction of the entrance ramp.

JT : What the hooey? I thought you said this was the main event. What the hell's he doing here?

GP : Tod, surprisingly enough, is in his first IWO PPV main event.

JT : But ... it's Tod! Isn't he supposed to be jobbing to Vincent?

GP : I think you underestimate Tod. Sure, he's had his low points in his IWO career, but he's also achieved some pretty good things, as you can see from his title history. And, as he is VERY fond of pointing out to me, he's been in the IWO longer than anybody but High Flyer and his friend AWS Man (also known as Bill).

Tod : (Yelling from the ring at GP) I've been in the IWO longer than anybody but High Flyer and AWS Man (also known as Bill), you know!

GP : We know, Tod. Go play with matches or something.

Tod : Okey-doke.

Tod sits down in the ring corner, pulls some matches out of his pocket, and begins playing with them.

JT : Isn't that dangerous?

GP : Eh, he'll be fine. Damn, these are the longest introductions ever! Let's hurry this up.

Meygon : Next ... from Hollis - Queens, New York ... Standing at 6'4" and weighing 243 lbs. ... a former Unified, Extreme, and North American champion ... the master of the Burning Psychosis, as well as several other similarly psychotic-named moves ... he is NNNNUUUUUKKKKE!!!

"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls plays as Nuke strides out from the back, giving that evil Nuke stare. The fans boo the former Jason mask-wearing psychopath as he strides up the stairs and into the ring, glaring down at Tod, who's now amusing himself by running with scissors.

GP : And here comes the man from the dark side.

JT : That's the old-school Undertaker, you dumbass.

GP : Well, the name fits Nuke, too.

JT : You're just an unoriginal douchebag who wants to be JR.

GP : ARE YOU SPEAKING BAD ABOUT JR?!!

JT : Uh, no, of course not.

GP : Oh ... well, good ... not like I'd care, anyway. It's not like I constantly play tapes of his announcing whenever I'm alone and sometimes when my wife isn't home stare at an autographed picture of his while caressing a pair of his underwear that I stole from his house ... I said I did NOT do that, right?

JT : (Frightened) Uh, yeah, you ... you sure did.

GP : Good. Because if my wife told you that she saw me doing that one time when she came home early from a shopping trip, THEN SHE'S A DAMN LYING BITCH!!!

JT : I- I'm sure she is. Can we ... move on now?

GP : Yeah, sure.

Meygon : And next, from the City of Angels ... standing at 6'1" and weighing 233 lbs. ... a former Unified, North American, United States, and World champion ... the master of the Silencer and the Vice Versa ... he is S2 (though no one, not even himself, ever calls him that), SSSIIMMMOOOONNNN SSSEEEEAAAAMMMAAANNNNN!!!

"Relax" by Powerman 5000 plays as Seaman strides purposefully out from the back, headed towards the ring. Silver fireworks fly down from the sky, while he makes through the stage threshold. He ignores the wave of boos that greets him. I don't think he was really expecting cotton candy from them, anyway.

JT : And here comes the ONLY reason why this match will not be a big stinking load of stinkload. Simon Seaman is here to regain his title ... and this time, it's personal!

GP : When was it not personal?

JT : Um ... when stuff ... happened?

GP : Ah. How astout.

JT: Shut up Parker.

Simon steps up onto the apron and through the ropes, walking over to his corner and adjusting his hair, obviously feeling confident about regaining his title. He glares at the man who cost him his precious belt, and then towards the entranceway in preparation for the man who now holds his former belt.

Meygon : And last ... coming all the way from the non-existent town of Freakville, North Carolina ... standing at 6'1" and weighing 236 lbs. ... the second-ever Grand Slam champion, which means he's won all the IWO titles ... the master of the Win the Freakin' Matchifier, the Drop You On Your Freakin' Face, and several other moves that I suppose would be part of his "Freakanese" fighting style ... competing tonight in his final IWO match ... accompanied tonight by his friend the Nude, and his inanimate manger Pen ... ladies and gentlemen, the current IWO World Heavyweight champion, he is the Insane One, AWS MAN (also known as BILLLLLLLL)!!!!!!

"Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang plays as AWS Man (also known as Bill) solemnly walks out from the back, holding his spatula friend Pen and trailed by the Nude. The fans raise to their feet, giving the Insane One a wild ovation. Normally it's just a loud pop, but this is my last match, so I'm gonna be a little self-serving. The Insane One raises his single gloved right hand, causing the fans to cheer louder, and nods in acknowledgement of the crowd's acknowledgement of his acknowledgement of them. The Nude claps AWS Man (also known as Bill) on the back and wishes him good luck as the Insane One hands Pen over to his non-clothed manager and slides into the ring. He waves at Seaman and Nuke, and taps Tod on the back, interrupting his friend from his activities of trying to stick a fork in a toaster that's plugged into ... something. Tod throws the "toys" away and shares a quick embrace with his long-time friend.

JT : Oh, come on, would someone turn the hose on those two fruits?!

GP : JT, could you stop being a total ass for five seconds of your miserable life? Tod is simply saying goodbye to his best friend and former tag-team partner in what I think is a very noble gesture.

JT : Fine, but they'd better either stop or get a cheap motel room soon or I'm gonna be sick.

GP : JT, they stopped five minutes ago. Everyone but you has been watching Meygon have hot lesbian sex with Stacy Valentine and Jasmine St. Clare since then. But they've stopped now, and the match is about to finally begin.

JT : ... SON OF A BITCH!!!

As the match is about to start, AWS Man (also known as Bill) suddenly raises his hand and demands for a microphone to be thrown to him. The timekeeper or some other loser obliges, and the Insane One catches the mic for once. He raises it to his mask, taking a look around at the fans.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : You know, before I freakin' compete in my final wrestling match, I want to thank a few freakin' people. I don't want to take up too much time, but this is pretty freakin' important to me, so bear with me, and then everybody can see me make Seamonkey look like a little freakin' girl again.

This gets a substantial pop from the crowd. AWS Man (also known as Bill) pauses to let it die down, then continues.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : First of all, I'd like to freakin' thank somebody who's not here right now. If Jamie or Evan were still in power, they wouldn't be too happy with me freakin' saying this (even though I would anyway), but they're not here, so they can have freakin' sex with oysters. I'd like to thank my former mentor and fellow porn enthusiast, Psycho Jay.

Jay's name gets a primarily positive reaction from the crowd, though there are a few boos from those who either have no sense of humor or have been brainwashed by Kosoy and Levine into hating Jay.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Jay was the World freakin' champ when I came in along with about a million other rookies, and I'll always remember that Jay immediately picked me out of all of them and said I was the only one that had any real freakin' talent, even if he did help some other veterans put me and the other rookies in a big box and mail us to freakin' Vietnam. I don't think he meant anything by it, though, and then he made me his lackey, which was all cool and freakin' stuff. The day that Jamie maliciously fired Jay because he couldn't handle a freakin' joke was a dark day indeed for the IWO, and in my opinion was the beginning of the fed's downward trend. Of course, Evan becoming President didn't freakin' help things too much either. Rob Kestler was also a really freakin' cool guy, and he gets a gold star in my book.

The Insane One pauses before moving on.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : The next guy I'd freakin' like to thank is you, Tod. (Gestures towards Schitzo Tod, who starts beaming) You were a pretty darned freakin' good tag-team partner, and our days as double double champions, and almost double triple champions, will always stand out in my memory as a time of prosperity and pornness. Although I've since moved on to have a little more freakin' success than you, I'll always look at you as equal to me in my book ... although I might be a little more equal than you.

Another pause.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Next I'd like to thank my brother DPS Man (also known as Bob). He didn't stay around too long before Blade said he got sent to live on a big freakin' farm, but while he was here we easily won the tag titles and held them until we got bored with them. He was a good brother, and a decent freakin' tag team partner, and he always knew just when to poke things with a stick.

Pausey pausey.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : I'd also like to thank Harold Hash, for some reason that freakin' escapes me.

Esuap.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : (Turning to Nuke) Nuke, you and I have never really seen freakin' "eye-to-eye," especially after you really kicked my ass and threw me through a TV set a few months ago, but I've always respected you, and beating you at Fear the Darkness was one of the hardest things I've done in my freakin' career. I'd really like to see you hold the World title sometime soon. And thanks for your magic cufflinks.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) pauses and moves on, as Nuke looks extremely confused, then just passes it off as AWS Man (also known as Bill) being a dumbass.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : My next comment goes out to someone who also is no longer here. Joey Malone ... I shouldn't have let you freakin' tie with me that time with the double champ thing! You know what I'm freakin' talking about, and so do a few other people. No offense to you, it's just that I really should've taken your ego down a notch, and it resulted in you handing the belt to that completely undeserving jerk Kent Anthason ... and that helped kill the freakin' IWO as much as anything. For the good of the fed, I should've just beaten your ass. But except for that, you were probably the single toughest opponent I had in the IWO, even if you DID make up some excuse every time I freakin' beat you, and wherever you are now, I'd like to say that you're not quite as much a poophead as I always freakin' made you to be.

Another pause.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : And lastly, Simon Seamonkey - (Turns to Seaman, who looks shocked) - I have nothing to thank you for. You suck, and you like to freakin' eat fish poop.

The bell rings as AWS Man (also known as Bill) turns to throw the mic to someone standing at ringside, and Seaman immediately rushes across the ring and takes down AWS Man (also known as Bill) with a dropkick in the mush as he turns around.

JT : Ha! Seaman caught that masked freak with his pants down ... literally.

GP : How was that literally?

JT : How were you?!

GP : (Sigh) I really need to learn to just tune you out.

JT : Yeah, I would've thought you'd have learned that a long time ago.

Seaman rips AWS Man (also known as Bill) to his feet by the hair and starts going to town on him. Meanwhile, Nuke and Schitzo Tod pair up. Nuke quickly gains the advantage with a barrage of right hands, backing him into the turnbuckle. On the other side of the ring, Seaman is peppering the Insane One with rights of his own, cornering him on the opposite side of the ring. Nuke and Seaman both grab their respective opponents and whip them across the ring. Tod, however, reverses at the last second, and AWS Man (also known as Bill) sticks out his arm with a vicious lariat as he passes Nuke, making him do a Rikishi-style flipping sell of the clothesline. Seeing this, Seaman charges at the two standing opponents, who quickly exchange a quick nod. Tod steps in front of the Insane One, seeming ready to take the proverbial bullet for his friend, but suddenly ducks down as Seaman reaches him and flips him up with a back body drop. AWS Man (also known as Bill) grabs Seaman's legs on the way down and brings him down with a sitting powerbomb.

GP : Ooh! AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Tod take one out of the pages of their Team Tampax days!

JT : Oh, come on, this is completely unfair! It's three on one! Everybody's going after Seaman!

GP : Um, in case you didn't notice, AWS Man (also known as Bill) took down Nuke a moment ago, and he's still down.

JT : Yes, but his SPIRIT is helping them attack Seaman!

GP : ...Um, yeah, I'll be doing that tuning out thing now.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) drops a leg on Seaman as Tod walks over to the prone form of Nuke and starts to pick him up. However, Nuke predictably uses the tried-and-true heel tactic of low-blowing Tod, then popping up and ramming his knee into Tod's face. The Idiotic One falls down, clutching the bridge of his nose. As this is happening, AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Seaman, gives him a few chops across the chest, and lifts him up onto the turnbuckle. AWS Man (also known as Bill) starts to climb up after him, but Nuke walks up behind him and ducks down, inserting his head in between the Insane One's legs. He backs off, with AWS Man (also known as Bill) unwillingly perched on his shoulders. Seaman gains his footing on top of the turnbuckle, times his jump, and leaps - not with a flying clothesline as expected, but with a missile dropkick right to Nuke's face, knocking over both the Innovator of Wrongness and the World champion on his shoulders.

JT : Ha! That Seaman's a genius! If I were a woman I'd let him impregnate me so that the future generation can enjoy the fruits of his seed!

GP : JT, do you think you're a tad obsessive with Seaman?

JT : Well, if covering every square inch of your house with Seaman paraphernalia and enjoying to lie naked in a pile of his photos is obsessive, then ... wait, forget I said that.

GP: I always do.

Seaman walks over to AWS Man (also known as Bill) and again picks him up by the hair, but the Insane One responds with a headbutt to the gut. AWS Man (also known as Bill) then grabs his opponent by the head and drops him with a DDT. The Insane One jumps up, raising his arms in victory, only to turn into a TAM (kick to the shin) from Schitzo Tod.

GP : My God! Tod just performed his finisher on his friend! He just might have this match won!

JT : Impossible!

Tod quickly leaps onto AWS Man (also known as Bill) for the cover.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

Tod's cover is broken up by an elbow drop from Nuke, who just barely got up in time to save the World champ. Nuke, enraged at almost having lost his chance at the gold, pounces on Tod and pounds him with a barrage of rights and lefts. The two roll around, with the momentum switching back and forth between them, until they abruptly roll right out of the ring. After a moment, both men regain their feet after having both landed hard on the outside of the ring. They're about to go at it again, when suddenly both men look up just in time to see Seaman land on them with a slinging crossbody over the ropes.

GP : And Seaman comes out of nowhere with a daring high-risk maneuver!

JT : Daring is Seaman's first name ... if you take out all the letters but 'a' and 'n,' and add in the other four you need.

After several more moments, all three men are getting back to their feet, when suddenly they look up to see AWS Man (also known as Bill) come hurtling down on them from a running somersault plancha, again taking everybody out.

GP : And now AWS Man (also known as Bill) throws himself back in the mix with an even more daring high-risk maneuver!

JT : He can't outdare Seaman! It's like trying to catch a rainbow trout, or define "antidisestablishmentarianism."

GP : ...You can do both those things!

JT : (Snort) Yeah, and one day we'll be able to fly through the air in giant metal birds.

After ANOTHER several moments, all four men make it to their feet. Nuke and AWS Man (also known as Bill) pair off, as do Tod and Seaman. Nuke and AWS Man (also known as Bill) slowly make their way up the ramp, exchanging lefts and rights. Seaman roughly shoves the much lighter Tod backwards into the guard rail, causing Tod to grimace and stagger forward, holding his back. Seaman waits for him and charges, but Tod sidesteps at the last second, causing Seaman to crash chest-first into the rail. Tod grabs the gasping Seaman and take him over to the ring steps, banging his head a couple times into the steps, then rolling him into the ring. Meanwhile, Nuke and the Insane One have been battling at the top of the ramp. They're about even when Nuke suddenly performs a vicious chop to AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s windpipe. As the Insane One chokes and gasps for air, Nuke grabs him for the Paranoia (Implant DDT) and brings him over to the edge of the stage.

JT : Ha! It's a good thing this is that idiot's last match, because it looks like he's about to be taken out permanently.

GP : Well, I hate to say it, but you could be right.

Just as Nuke starts to lift AWS Man (also known as Bill), the Insane One elbows him roughly in the midsection, causing Nuke to lose his grip. AWS Man (also known as Bill) backs off quickly, measures Nuke, and blasts him with the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off (thrust kick). Although unable to escape the blow, Nuke does manage to shift his weight so that he lands on the stage, instead of being knocked off it.

GP : That was a really close one for Nuke.

JT : Hey, stuff's happening back in the ring.

Once Tod rolled Seaman into the ring, he climbed up onto the ring apron. As Seaman clambers to his feet, Tod jumps and springs off the ropes for a crossbody, but Seaman leaps and crushes Tod's midsection with a dropkick. Tod crashes to the mat, gasping from the pain of possibly broken ribs. Seaman dives on for the cover, but the sole ref, who was halfway between the two pairs of wrestlers, takes a few moments to run down to the ring and slides in.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

Tod gets the shoulder up in the knick of time. Enraged at the ref's slowness, Seaman yanks the ref to his feet, quickly hooks him up, and delivers the Vice Versa (Fisherman's DDT into Michinoku Driver).

JT : Ha! That's right, Seaman! Take out that corrupt official! He intentionally cost Seaman the match because he's jealous of Seaman's luxurious mustache!

GP : Seaman ... has no mustache.

JT : Damn it! That bastard ref must have shaved it off!

Back up on the ramp, AWS Man (also known as Bill) has pulled Nuke to his feet, and is pummeling him with right hands. Nuke suddenly ducks a right hand and pulls the Insane One into the M.A.D.(Mutual Assured Destruction) (trapping headbutts, into a butterfly suplex). AWS Man (also known as Bill) lands heavily on the stage. Nuke walks over and picks him up, positing him for a Burning Psychosis (double underhook piledriver) off the stage. However, at the last moment AWS Man (also known as Bill) stands up, reversing the move into a back body drop. On the drop down, though, Nuke grabs onto the Insane One's legs, pulling him into a sunset flip powerbomb off the stage.

GP : MY GOD! MY GOD! BOTH THOSE MEN MUST BE DEAD!

JT : No, I don't think so. Look, they're both rolling around in pain.

GP : BUT THEY FELL FIFTEEN FEET OFF THE STAGE!

JT : Dude, they only fell like six feet.

GP : But ... but ... damn it, JT, why do you have to ruin everything?!

JT : Well, it was still a pretty cool move, and they're both pretty out of it.

GP : It's just not the same...

In the ring, Seaman jerks Tod to his feet and whips him into the turnbuckle. As Tod staggers back out of it, Seaman hooks him up for the Vice Versa, but as he lifts him Tod squirms out of it and lands behind him. Tod immediately kicks out with a mule kick, catching Seaman square in his particulars. Tod then turns and rolls him up into a schoolboy, but there's no ref.

GP : That's one ... that's two ... that's three! Tod should be champ, damn it, but Seaman took out the ref!

JT : Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch. God would never allow Tod to become World champ. It goes against some law of nature. He would strike the ref dead with a lightning bolt or something.

Seaman finally kicks out, rolling to his feet. Seaman charges with a forearm, but Tod ducks and shoots a superkick at Seaman as he turns back around, but Seaman grabs his foot and pulls him into a short-arm clothesline. He then jumps up and begins stomping on Tod's midsection. Meanwhile, Nuke and AWS Man (also known as Bill) are slowly and laboriously making their way back to their feet. They both stumble back down towards the ring, realizing that one man might be about to finish the other while they're away and unable to prevent the fall. They both roll into the ring about the same time. Seaman turns to face the two men, and the distraction allows a recovering Tod to gain a low blow on the former World champ.

JT : Damn that Tod! Damn him and his cheating tactics!

Tod turns and starts to mount the turnbuckle. Meanwhile, Nuke bounces off the ropes and goes for a lariat on AWS Man (also known as Bill), which is ducked. The Insane One then lifts Nuke into a Break Your Freakin' Neck (Burning Hammer-style inverted DVD). He then starts to climb the opposite turnbuckle than the One Tod is on. At this moment, Tod prepares to jump as Seaman gets to his feet, but Simon dives and shakes the top rope, crotching Tod. Seaman grabs Tod by the hair and slings him off the turnbuckle, then starts to climb up himself. Tod amazingly lands on his feet, albeit shakily, and slowly turns to face Seaman. When he does so, Seaman leaps with the Silencer (top-rope Blockbuster) on Tod, just as AWS Man (also known as Bill) flies with the Win the Freakin' Matchifier (shooting star press) onto Nuke.

GP : Both men deliver their finishers at the same time! And the ref is just conveniently recovering at this moment! Who will he see first?!

The ref groggily raises his head, sees Seaman's cover, and crawls over to start to count it.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

The count is interrupted as AWS Man (also known as Bill), who saw the ref counting Seaman's cover instead of his, charges and baseball slides Seaman in the head, knocking him off the pin. Seaman clutched at his head as AWS Man(also known as Bill) picked Seaman up by his scalp. AWS Man(also known as Bill) threw Seaman into the turnbuckle face first. Seaman bounced off, clutching his jaw, before he caught the champion with an eye gauge. AWS Man(also known as Bill) turned around, clutching his eyes as Seaman climbed up to the second turnbuckle. He was attempting to climb up all the way for the Silencer, but AWS Man(also known as Bill) was able to turn back around, and catch him in mid stride. Seaman's face was priceless as AWS Man(also known as Bill) grabbed him by the throat.

JT: YOU CAN'T DO THAT! TELL HIM YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

GP: Uhmmm, AWS MAN(also known as Bill), JT says you can't do that.... Happy?

AWS Man(also known as Bill) threw Seaman forward, front flipping him off and into a recovering Nuke. Seaman landing a flying front drop kick type move, knocking the recovering Nuke down with him. Seaman clutched at his back while looking up at the lights.

JT: HE DID THAT~! DISQUALIFY HIM REFEREE!

AWS Man(also known as Bill) stood tall in the center of the ring, huffing from the action, as his old partner Schitzo Tod got up to his feet slowly, returning from the effects of the Silencer. AWS Man(also known as Bill) didn't see this, as he dove on top of Seaman for the cover.

JT: KICK OUT SEAMAN!

Ref: 1.... 2....

Schitzo Tod dropped down with a double ax handle to the back of his friend's skull, breaking up the count. AWS Man(also known as Bill) looked down at his friend, and then stuck out his hand in a form of friendship. Then, he pointed over to the opposite turnbuckle, as he nodded his head.

AWS Man(Also known as Bill) walked to the other corner that he didn't point to, and climbed up, as Tod followed his lead on the other side. The crowd got to their feet with anticipation, as the former Team Tampax members looked at one another from across the ring, and then dove, nailing Simon Seaman in the middle of the ring with the Menstral Flow. Camera's flashing, cheers yelling, and then, AWS Man(also known as Bill) pointed down to Seaman, and told Tod to cover him.

But not before being clotheslined up and over the top by Nuke. AWS Man(also known as Bill) landed on the outside, hitting his head on the announce table, as Tod didn't see anything. Tod was on top of Seaman, covering him for the win.

Ref: 1....2....

Nuke grabbed Schitzo Tod up from the mat, and then kicking Tod in the stomach, double underhooking him, and then piledriving him square into the mat. Burning Psychosis. Nuke dazefully stumbled around the ring, before diving down, and rolling Tod over onto his back. Nuke dove on top for the cover.

Ref: 1....2....

And just before the three count, Simon Seaman was able to get to the top, pulling Nuke off of the cover. Seaman screamed "I thought we were together!" Seaman then kicked Nuke in the genitals, before lifting him up off the mat, and driving him in a Fisherman ddt turned michanoku driver. The crowd gasped.

GP: THERE IT WAS! VICE VERSA! SEAMAN JUST NAILED A VICIOUS MOVE ON NUKE! Nuke is laid out face first in the middle of the ring, Tod laid down inside the ring, still smarting from the Burning Psychosis!

JT: WOO! SEAMAN IS GOING TO BE THE CHAMPION! HE'S GOING TO BE THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Seaman pointed down at the fallen Nuke, screaming an incoherant ramble, before slowly, Schitzo Tod got up to his feet. He stumbled around dazed, as Seaman saw him standing there. Seaman turned around, staring Tod wide eyed. He didn't think the young Tod would be able to get to his feet so soon. And with that, Tod kicked Seaman at his shins, nailing the Tam. However, Seaman just looked down, clutching at his shin and looking rather confused. He was pratically no selling, as Tod stood dumbfounded. Seaman bounced around, clutching his shin, as Tod then kneed Seaman in the back. Schitzo Tod grabbed Seaman in an inverted headlock, and lifted him up off the mat, and drove him with a vicious inverted ddt driver.

GP: TAM WAS INEFFECTIVE, BUT THE INVERTED DDT DRIVER WAS! SEAMAN, NUKE, AND AWS MAN(also known as Bill) ARE ALL DOWN, AND SCHITZO TOD IS STILL STANDING!

JT: NO! NO! NO! GOD! STRIKE DOWN THE REFEREE WITH FIERCE AVENGANCE!

Ref: 1....2....3!

*Ding, ding, Ding*

Meygon: Your winner, and NEW, WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, SCHITZO TOD~!

Tod got to his feet, clutching at his neck, still hurting from Burning Psychosis earlier. He looked over towards the referee, who was grabbing the world heavyweight championship from over at the time keepers table. His eyes widened, almost in horror, as he was handed the belt. Lifting it up to the crowd, they responded with cheers of their own, before Tod clutched the championship at his chest. Seaman and Nuke rolled out of the ring, as they both went their seperate ways from the arena. Slowly, Tod remembered that his friend AWS Man(also known as Bill) was still on the outside.

GP: SCHITZO TOD HAS DONE IT! HE HAS PINNED SIMON SEAMAN!

JT: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU GOD! TURNING ME INTO AN AETHIEST ARE YOU!?!?

Schitzo Tod helps AWS Man(also known as Bill) up to his feet, before he looks at Tod with the same wide eyed expression. He then looks down at his friends hand, and raises it to the crowd, prompting a huge cheer. Tod raised his other hand with the title to the crowd.

GP: AND THAT'S ALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES! FOLKS, JOIN US THIS FRIDAY FOR HOSTILE TAKEOVER! Same local channel as always!

JT: It's not fair! NOT FAIR AT ALL!

The camera slowly faded as they saw the retiring AWS Man(also known as Bill) holding his friend Schitzo Tod's hands in the air. Tod's World Heavyweight strap draped across his shoulder.

*Fade*

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