July 28th, 2002
"Pretty Noose" by Soundgarden
Images of the tournament, each of the eight men qualifying by defeating a worthy adversary.
Simon Seaman's top rope tombstone to High Flyer.
Psycho Jay powerbombing Banderas.
Nuke White Russian Leg sweeping Erik Blake for Ash Robinson to get the pin.
Daniel Phillips executing the Perfect Halo on cHEESE.
Nuke nailing Rob Kestler with the Burning Psychosis.
Harold Hash with his 450 Leg Drop on Bungle.
Donnie Daze daze blazing Bob Job.
Jack Breaker nailing the Clockwork DDT on Edguardo.
A tournament picture is shown, each man's opponent in the first round. Psycho Jay vs. Ash Robinson, Simon Seaman vs. Jack Breaker, Nuke vs. Harold Hash, and Donnie Daze vs. Daniel Phillips come onto the screen, before the Gold and Glory logo is the only thing that's left.
Fade into the arena as "Pretty Noose" is playing over the pa system. Fans are going crazy as the cameras slowly rest on Greg Parker and JT.
GP: Fans, last years Gold and Glory was the showcase of an epic battle between Kent Anthason and Joey Malone, waging war over the IWO World Heavyweight Championship in the second carnation of the Life, Death, and Endurance matches. This year, a tournament is held to fill the vacancy that was caused at L-D-E 3... and to call someone champion! Welcome everyone to Gold and Glory!
JT: Remember when we were on pay per view and shouting all the time? I miss those times...
GP: Oh yeah, and Nikki continually slapping you, as well as Johnny Shallow punching the tar out of you? I miss those days myself.
JT: On second thought...
GP: Then again fans, that's not all! Tonight, Mad Max and Schitzo Tod battle it out for the now re-instated Extreme championship!
JT: Ford, make up your fucken mind! Are you going to have the title, or aren't you. That's all. Next thing we know, Ford brings back the I.C. Tag Team Titles!
GP: Oh come on JT, those were just stupid... Also, speaking of Tag titles, the IWO World Tag team belts are defended by Team V.I.A.G.R.A. against the Legion of Dairy. These two teams are battling it out to show who has the best cult following.
JT: Why don't they just run a poll. I mean, that's what I did!
GP: You ran a poll? What were the results?
JT: The results were both these teams suck ass.
GP: Oh yeah, I forgot. You're the fan of quality tag team members like Michael Dudley, who fucks his sister after crippling his brother, and then somehow the reunite...
JT: Yeah, I never got that either...
Backstage a large car arrives, the door opens and Bungle gets out, he is wearing a wedding dress over his bear costume and is heavily pregnant. Bungle holds his lower back as he closes the door.
Bungle: I can't believe I'm finally here...It's my wedding day...The happiest day of my life...I'm so excited.
Bungle starts to cry, before entering the arena to a round of applause, all the backstage IWO crew members clap as Bungle shows off his dress.
Bungle: Thank you....Thank you.
No. 1 Contendership
Jake Walker vs. Bossa Nova
GP: Well to start the evening off, we have two people that are trying to get ahead in the IWO and this is the way to do it. Of course I am talking about Jack Walker and Bossa Nova.
JT: What are you talking about? Bossa Nova? No one has ever heard of this guy. As far as I know he is some hobo they picked up off the side of the street!
GP: Just cause you don't know all of the people in the IWO doesn't mean they don't amount to more then a pile of shit.
JT: Hey its not that I don't know about this guy, it is I don't care to know about him. I know the people in the IWO who are worth knowing. Like High Flyer, Tony Davis, and of course my lord and savior Simon Seaman.
GP: How did I know you would mention him?
JT: You have ESP?
GP: God you are more retarded then a nigger.
JT: Now it is no reason to get offensive and use racial remarks for no real reason. You're not Billy Larson!
GP: I could be cock smoker!
JT: Greg you are a fat redneck, which is so not Billy Larson! And you're not Neil Prettyman either!
GP: Fuck you let just get on with the match will ya?
JT: Fine I would be glad to you honkey.
Greg calls JT a cock smoker under his breath.
Meygon: The first in this match, weights in at 222 pounds, he is a guy, he is Bossa NOVA!!
"Sorry about your Penis" by Smashmouth comes over the PA system. Out steps Nova. He walks down to the ring with the intent to do bodily harm to Jack Walker, and yes that is something you can realize by just looking at the guy!
Meygon: And his opponent is one half of the Deadlier Sins, he weights in at 224 pounds. He has been known to go by Lotta Goodstuff, he is Jack Walker!
"Cyclops Rock" by They Might Be Giants plays in the arena. Jack Walker walks out from the back, he makes his way to the ring. Jack and Nova meet eye to eye.
JT: This match starts off good with Nova doing a flying strong punch to Walker. Walker falls to the ground; Nova should follow this up with a good move.
GP: When did you decide it was worth your wild to actually direct a match?
JT: When I figured it out that I am the intelligent one here.
GP: Oh that is so not true, you ummm you ahhhh you big meanie poo!
JT: I rest my case.
Nova stands over Walker and does a standing leg drop to Walkers neck. Nova gets up and pulls Walker up with him. Nova goes for a face first DDT but Walker reverse it into a Northern Lights Suplex with a release sending Nova across the ring.
GP: This is where it pays to have experience, Walker knew what Nova had in mind and decided to throw a wrench in it.
JT: What the fuck does that mean? No knows, and I have a rule I only use sayings that make sense!
GP: Well I am not you!
JT: I am glad!
Walker walks over to Nova and picks him up, Walker does a swinging neck breaker to Nova. Nova is on the ground and holding his neck. Walker grabs Nova by the neck and locks on a headlock.
GP: Now that is smart, Walker is working on that neck, not as smart as if he was working on his legs, those handsome, hairy legs. Legs that people dream about, legs that say things. Things like "I am a pair of legs and I know what I want." Those are the legs that make it all worth wild!
JT: Yeah I am going to sit closer to the edge over here, you are scaring me.
JT moves away from GP. Walker does a Russian Leg Sweep with Nova in a headlock still. Walker gets up and starts to gloat. Walker walks to the ring post and goes to the third rope. Walker does a forward flip, but Nova rolls out of the way. Walker lands flat on his back. Nova turns over Walker and does a double leg stomp on Walkers back. Nova puts Walker in a Camel Clutch.
JT: Let me guess you are going to say how that is smart of Nova to work on Walkers back, then go in a little gay speech about legs again?
GP: JT you so silly. I was going to say that it was a good idea to work on Walkers back, but I have no idea what you mean about a leg speech!
JT: You just are in denial.
Nova picks up Walker and throws him into the ropes. Nova jumps on Walkers shoulders while he runs towards him and hits a Frankensteiner. Now that is an old school name if I ever heard one! Nova goes to the top rope and jumps off to do a frog splash to Walker. He hits it, and goes into a pin.
GP: Well Nova surely is turning up the heat on Walker. He almost put this one away, with that Frankensteiner and Frog Splash combo.
JT: That is right Greg, but I think it will take a little more then that to put away Jack Walker, I mean this is the Gold and Glory tournament for the IWO World Championship belt. Everyone is going to try there hardest to make sure they are making it forward.
Nova stands up and kicks Walker in the ribs. Walker rolls to the ring ropes and goes out side the ring. Nova is waiting for Walker to come back in from his breather. Walker is on his knees breathing hard next to the ring apron.
JT: Walker better get back in the ring, he doesn't want to be counted out. That is just retarded!
Nova can't wait any longer and does a running baseball slide to Walker face then go outside to restart the count.
GP: That was smart of Nova, he wants to prove that he didn't get ahead in the Gold and Glory tournament cause of someone else's stupidity.
Nova rolls Walker back in the ring. Nova goes to the apron and does a springing leg drop to the back of the neck to Walker. Nova then gets Walker and sets him up in a tree of woe in the ring post. Nova goes all the way to the opposite ring post and does a running leg drop to the midsection of Walker. Walker falls off the ring post. Nova is standing around him shouting and jeering him. Nova goes to the ring post that is closest to the announcers. And sits on the top rope. Walker starts to get up, Nova is just shouting at him to; piss him off. Walker walks to him and grabs a leg of Nova. Nova starts to shake but stays on the ring post.
GP: Now this is a dangerous place for both of the men. One or the other, even both could fall and get seriously hurt
I don't know what Nova was thinking wasting time when so much is on the line!
Walker lets go of Novas leg and climbs the ropes till he is up with him on the top turnbuckle. Both the men throw punches at each other
Walker falls forward and knocks Nova over, Nova falls and goes threw the Spanish announce table. Walker falls and lands in the ring.
GP: I can't believe it! Jake Walker might win this match; of course if he wins it will be bittersweet cause he only won cause of Nova's inexperience and stupidity.
JT: It doesn't matter a win is a win. Nova shouldn't have been the idiot and waste all that time on the top rope when he could have ended it all!
Meygon: Winner and going on in the Gold and Glory tournament, Jake Walker!
Walker some how gets to his feet as "Cyclops Rock" by They Might Be Giants is heard. He gets up and gets to the backstage area.
GP: Well that just proves that you never know what is going to happen in the IWO, especially if it is for something as prestigious as the IWO World Championship belt.
We open in the locker room of Bungle who is sitting in a chair looking ina mirror, he is still dressed in his wedding dress and bear costume as a woman is doing his hair....well the blonde hair peice that Bungle is wearing, then there is a knock on the door.
Hair Dresser: I'll get it.
She opens the door, and sitting on the floor is a big 3 foot Winnie The Pooh soft toy.
Hair Dresser: er...Bungle?
Bungle turns and gets out of his chair, he puts his hands over his mouth in shock before running up to the teddy bear and slapping it.
Bungle: What are you doing here Pooh?
Bungle: I told you I never wanted to see you again!
Bungle: Well if you say that....I forgive you...Would you like to be my Maid of Honor?
Bungle picks up the teddy and hugs it spinnning round.
Bungle: This is going to be the best day of my life.
Gold and Glory Tournament
Quarter Final Match
Daniel Phillips vs. Donnie Daze
GP: Well, for our first match on Gold and Glory's tournament, we have...
GP: ...Phillips, the IWO Cruiserweight champion, taking on a man he has faced before in the last two pay-per-views, and that man is Donnie Daze.
JT: How in the HELL did Donnie Daze manage to get into this tournament, let alone meet against the greatness that is Daniel Phillips? Phillips has beaten him before already!
"Geronimo" by Unwritten Law hit, as the fans erupted for the former IWO World Champion, Donnie Daze. Daze walked out to the ring to the cheers of the crowd, a look of determination to get back into the title hunt once again.
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a quarterfinal bout for the Gold and Glory Tournament, and it is scheduled for one fall. Making his way down the aisle... from Port St. Lucie, Florida... weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds... he is DONNNIIIIEEEE DAAAZZZZEEEE!!!
Daze entered the ring.
JT: This is the guy you put so much stock in, Parker. Where has this man been since he lost the World title? Nowhere! He hasn't even been CLOSE to his former glory! Why do you think I don't like him any more?
GP: Because he lost to Malone and cost you about a thousand dollars.
JT: Well... yes.
"Downfall" by TRUSTcompany blared.
The fans erupted in boos as Daniel Phillips came out to the ring. Alone. He carried both of his title belts, the IWO Cruiserweight championship and the TPW Cruiserweight championship. He held them up for all to see, and the crowd's boos only got louder. He then headed for the ring.
Meygon: And his opponent... he hails from Phoenix, Arizona... and he weighs in at two hundred and twelve pounds... he is the reigning IWO Cruiserweight champion... ladies and gentlemen, he is DANIIIEEELLLLL PHILLIPS~!
The crowd boos upon the mention of his name, as he entered the ring. He set his titles in the corner, and looked over to Donnie Daze. The bell rang, and the match was on.
Immediately, both men rushed up to each other and began pounding away with right hands. Daze quickly won the fight, and pounded Daniel into the corner. He whipped Daniel into the ropes and charged in behind him, but Daniel whipped himself up and over Daze's body. Daze turned around and ran at Daniel. Daniel tried a hiptoss, but Daze landed on his feet and countered with a snapmare and a dropkick to the back. Daniel immediately bails.
GP: What a coward! He just bailed to the outside!
JT: He's not bailing! He's... he's... regrouping!
He doesn't get to regroup for long, as Daze followed up with a baseball side dropkick that sent Daniel into the guardrail. Daze slid to the outside and tossed Daniel back into the ring. He climbed up to the apron and waited for Phillips to get back on his feet. When he did, Daze caught him with a springboard clothesline, and immediately went for the cover.
GP: Springboard clothesline! One... two... thr-NO!
JT: You're not going to be Danny that quickly~!
Daze pulled Daniel to his feet and sent him off the ropes. He went for a back body drop, but Daniel amazingly landed on his feet upon getting elevated, Daze turned around and waistlocked Daniel, but Daniel elbowed out of it. He ran off of the ropes and went for a flying back elbow, but Daze ducked it and Daniel nearly flew out of the ring.
JT: Come on! This isn't fair!
GP: Bah. How is it not fair?
JT: Daniel might not have eaten his Wheaties this morning!
GP: You're using WHEATIES as a basis for why Daniel's getting his ass kicked so far?
JT: Well, have you ever tried wrestling without eating your Wheaties?
GP: Well, no...
Daze tried to grab Daniel in a waistlock, but as the referee came over to force a break from the ropes, Daniel caught him with a mule kick that went south of the border. As Daze backed away and held his crotch, Daniel leapt up to the middle of the second ropes and used it to hit a springboard back elbow to Daze's face. The fans booed, as Daniel got up and smirked.
GP: I can't believe that you say Donnie Daze is a cheater, when Phillips just BLATANTLY used a low blow!
JT: Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and Donnie Daze's cup just happened to be made of puppy chow.
GP: You're disgusting.
JT: That's not what your mom said last night.
GP: I... er... uh... what the *fuck*?
Phillips pulled Daze to his feet and did a gobehind, before hooking him, spinning him around, and dropping him on the back with a Blue Thunder powerbomb, the Inciter. The fans erupted in boos as Daniel held the pin as best as he could.
JT: INCITAH~! WOO! ONE... TWO.... THR-DAMMIT!
GP: He kicked out! HE KICKED OUT!
JT: Bah, whatever. Danny'll get `em!
GP: You put too much stock in that man.
JT: Maybe it's because I made another in a long line of JT bets that says that he'll be walking out of here, not just the King of the Cruiserweights, but the King of the World!
Parker only groans, as Phillips pulled Daze back to his feet and dragged him to a corner. He picked Daze up and sat him up on the top rope, before he climbed up with him. He attempted a top rope rana, but Daze was blocking, and he eventually shoved him off the top. Daze climbed up to the top rope, as the crowd erupts for the execution of the Daze Blaze.
GP: DAAAZE BLAAA- NO! NO! PHILLIPS GOT THE KNEES UP!
GP: Phillips with an inside cradle, and DAMMIT, he's got the tights!
JT: YES! ONE... TWO...
Phillips got to his knees and slammed his fist down onto the mat in frustration. He pulled Daze to his feet and went for the Perfect Halo, but Daze shoved him into the ropes to counter. When Daniel comes back, Daze ducks his clothesline and lets Daniel run to the other side. As Daniel comes back, Daze uses a leverage move to send him to the outside.
JT: Hey, HEY! Daze can't do that! DISQUALIFY HIM, REF!
GP: That isn't illegal.
JT: IT SHOULD BE!
Daze crawled to the outside and hammered on Phillips with forearm shivers. He slammed his head on the American broadcast table, much to the chagrin of Parker and JT.
JT: Hey! HEY! Don't use our table to pound on my hero's head!
GP: Daze is clearing off our table, dammit! Now he pulls Phillips up and takes him up on our announce table, and he's looking for his old Cradle DDT on our table! But Phillips is blocking it with every ounce of strength he's got!
JT: Yeah! Come on! No tablely for Daze! Come on!
GP: NO! Phillips gets a low blow on Daze before he could catch Phillips with the Cradle DDT! Now Phillips picks up Daze! No! Stop him!
JT: Holy... CRAP!
GP: Donnie Daze was just DRILLED through the Sign Language table next to our table with a Death Valley Driver! How in the HELL did Phillips pull that one off?!
JT: Because he's the King of the Cruiserweights! It's what I've been trying to tell you, Greg Parker! Donnie Daze CANNOT defeat Daniel Phillips! He'd rather see the entire human race burn in Hell before that ever happened!
GP: Actually, I think Daniel would like to see the entire human race burn in Hell, regardless of the outcome of this match.
As Phillips stumbled around, trying to regain his bearings, Daze was almost completely out of it. Phillips finally shook the cobwebs and pulled Daze to his feet. He tossed Daze into the ring, but didn't follow him in the ring just yet, because he went under the ring for just a second.
And he came out with that damn *toaster*.
GP: Oh my god. What the fuck is he doing with that toaster?
JT: He's about to further his revenge on that fuckhead! Donnie Daze will learn to have never messed with Daniel Phillips!
Phillips brought the toaster in, as well as a steel chair, and attempted to use the steel chair on Daze. Unfortunately for him, the referee, knowing full well that Phillips' blatant disregard of the rules was not going to be tolerated, and grabbed the chair in mid-swing of Phillips' aim at Daze's skull. As Phillips turned to bitch, and as the referee turned to take the chair out of the ring, Daze picked up the toaster.
JT: DAMMIT! DAAAMMMIIITTTT!!!
GP: DAZE JUST CLOCKED PHILLIPS WITH THAT DAMN TOASTER! Phillips' own tactic has been used against him, and these fans are going NUTS!
JT: No! NO! NOOO!!
GP: Daze goes for the cover! ONE... TWO.... THRE-NO! NO NO! EDGUARDO, OUT OF NOWHERE, MANAGES TO GET DANIEL'S FOOT ON THE ROPES! WHAT THE HELL!?
JT: YES! THANK GOD THAT *SOMEBODY* SAW THE CHEATING WAYS OF DAZE~!
As Daze realized what had happened, Diablo, the other half of TDM who had made their way down to the ring, jumped up on the apron and distracted the referee. Daze decided to deal with him in the best way he could... by kicking him in the face with a superkick. Phillips got to his feet and waited for Daze to get up. He launched a superkick of his own... which Daze ducked.
The referee did not.
GP: No! The referee is down!
JT: DAZE DID THAT INTENTIONALLY!
GP: He did not! The referee was just at the wrong place at the wrong time!
With the ref down, both Diablo and Edugardo entered the ring and grabbed Daze. They immediately landed the EMP, the DDT/Reverse Russian Legsweep combination, on Daze, and quickly exited the ring.
GP: DAMMIT! What the HELL is with TDM tonight!?
JT: YES! YES! COME ON! GO FOR THE PIN!
GP: Phillips falls on top of Daze! This isn't right! Someone stop this CRAP!
The referee, barely able to move, made a slow, methodical count.
JT: COUNT FASTER! .....TWO!
The fans erupted.
JT: *YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!*
GP: Donnie Daze somehow managed to get his left shoulder up after taking the EMP! Daniel Phillips can't believe it! I can't believe it!
JT: WHAT KIND OF ILLEGAL STEROIDS IS HE TAKING!?!?! God, this guy's WORSE than Mr. Haunt!
GP: *blinks* Mr. Haunt never took those steroids.
JT: WHAT?! My entire understanding of this world is crumbling!
Phillips realized that he needed to do something else to put Daze away. He rolled to the outside and reached under the ring again, before pulling out a table. He turned to his follow members of the Knights of the Landfill and told them to keep watch at the aisleway. TDM nodded and did so, as Phillips slid the table into the ring and set it up in a corner.
There was one flaw in his plan.
A man jumped the guardrail, without TDM's notice, and entered the ring. He waited for Phillips to turn around.
GP: Wait! That's... That's Coral Avalon!
And was speared straight through the damn table.
GP: ERRONEOUS CONCLUUUSSSION THROUGH THE TABLE~!
JT: WHAT THE FUCK!? Who does that NOBODY think he is?! GOD!
As TDM turned and noticed Avalon, they tried to get in to stop him from getting involved further. Unfortunately, Avalon spotted them first and immediately took them both out with an insane no-hands plancha that knocked down both men. Donnie Daze slowly crawled on top and made a count!
JT: NO! IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS! NOO!
GP: DAZE HAS THE COVER! THE REF IS UP! ONE... TWO... THRE-
JT: KICKOUT! KICKOUT! THANK GOD! PRAISE ALLAH! WORSHIP BUDDHA!
The fans erupted in boos, thinking that it was over, but Phillips somehow managed to get his shoulder up. Daze was surprised, as he pulled Phillips to his feet. He punched at Phillips, and Phillips returned the favor. He then kicked Daze in the gut and hooked him for the Halo, but Daze blocked, and kicked HIM in the gut. He went for his own version of the Halo, but Phillips shoved him away at the last second. Both men then tried a spinning wheel kick at the same time, and both missed and fell flat on their backs.
Jake Walker came out.
Diablo had gotten up and was about to dish out pain to Avalon, he was still pummelling his brother, but Walker caught him with a clothesline that made Diablo go into a three-sixty oversell. Walker picked up the chair that the referee had thrown out earlier and entered the ring. As this was going on, Phillips again went for the Perfect Halo, but as he twisted Daze up, Daze shoved Phillips away.
GP: WALKER! WALKER JUST CRACKED THAT STEEL CHAIR OVER PHILLIPS' SKULL!
Phillips stumbled backwards, right into the grasp of Donnie Daze.
GP: DAZED AND CONFUSED! DAZED AND CONFUSED! DAZE GOT HIM!
GP: The referee is still down, but I think he's conscious enough to make the count! Yes, he is! He's making the count! ONE...
JT: NO! NO! NO NO NO!
JT: PLEASE LET THIS BE A BAD DREAM!
*ding, ding, ding*
The fans erupted. Daniel Phillips wasn't advancing, it was Donnie Daze. The referee, who was still out of it, raised Daze's hand in victory.
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen... the winner of this match, and moving on to the semi-finals of the Gold and Glory Tournament.... DONNNIIIIEEEE DAAAZZZZEEEE!!!
JT: I can't believe it! The *injustice* of it all! It took Avalon and Walker to beat Phillips! AVALON AND WALKER, DAMMIT.
GP: What about TDM!? TDM was interfering just as liberally as they were!
JT: PAH, they were only there to make sure that the referee didn't see all of Daze's BLATANT CHEATING.
GP: *sigh* Anyway, we've got more action in this tournament, so let's get on with it.
JT: Wah. Danny's not moving on. :-(
Cut backstage, where we see Jack Breaker. He's sitting in a folding chair set up outside the door to his locker room. AS our scene unfolds, Aubrey Breaker walks up. She stares at Jack questioningly.
Aubrey: Hey, Jack. What are you doing out here?
Jack: I can't get inside. There's a monster in there.
Aubrey: Oh, don't be silly. There is no monster in our dressing room.
And with that, she enters the room. A few seconds later, she returns, hair standing on end and eyes wide open.
Aubrey: Holy crap. There's a monster in our dressing room.
Jack: What are we going to do?
Aubrey: How the hell should I know? What do I look like, some sort of monster... person?
Jack: Quite frankly, yes.
Aubrey: Thank you for that. Now, why don't you go get a stick or something we can poke it with?
Jack: Oh, great idea. Wait, how `bout I go and get my 'locker room de-monsterizer' kit out of the car?
Aubrey: We don't have a... I've never even heard of a locker room de-monsterizer.
Jack: I was being sarcastic.
Aubrey: How was I supposed to know? You didn't clue me in with stage directions or anything!
Jack: [Sarcastically] How's this?
Aubrey: Much better.
Jack: So. What are we gonna do about this monster?
Aubrey: Hmmm... you wanna go get Erik Blake?
Jack: What good would Erik Blake do?
Aubrey: Well, for starters, no one would care if he got eaten.
Jack: Good point.
Aubrey pulls up a chair next to Jack and sits down.
Aubrey: Does Jake know about this?
Jack face suddenly turns to panic.
Jack: He was taking a nap in there when I... mmm. That's not good.
Aubrey: You think Jake got eaten?
Jack: [Sarcastically] Nooo, I think he's in there teaching the monster how to play chess.
Aubrey: I didn't think Jake knew how to play chess.
Jack: Oh, yeah. He's an animal on the chess board. Pawns a'flyin' all over the damn place. It's never a pretty sight. You think you've got it under control, and then *bam*! bishop to rook two, checkmate.
He glances at his watch.
Jack: Hmm. Allright, I'll go get Ford. Maybe there's an empty locker room somewhere around here.
Jack leaves. Aubrey pulls a book out of a nearby duffel bag and starts reading.
Gold and Glory Tournament
Psycho Jay vs. Ash Robinson
GP: This looks to be a great Gold & Glory Tournament folks. Right now we have Psycho Jay going up against Ash Robinson. These are two IWO veterans looking to advance here. This is certainly going to be a tough match.
what the fucks are you talking about Greg?
GP: Well, I'm just saying these two have a lot of experience in the IWO and we should have a great match for the fans right now.
JT: Whatever. Psycho Jay's gonna annihilate Ash Robinson.
GP: That remains to be seen JT. Lets go to Meygon with the announments.
Meygon: Hailing from South, Philly; weighing 320 pounds even. The master of the "Humpinator". The famous, and imfamous
"Raining Blood" by Slayer blares over the PA system, as Psycho Jay makes his way down to the ring, with Vincent along side him. Jay receives a deafening chorus of boos and cheers so mixed in with eachother, it sounds more like one nebulous roar than either a cheer or a boo.
GP: Man, everyone either passionately hates this guy, or just as passionately loves him. Psycho Jay really knows how to stir a response from people.
JT: That's his fucking job, and he does it well.
Psycho Jay slowly strolls down to the ring, flipping off everyone in attendance, as Vincent waves his enormous cock menacingly. He then places the head of his penis on the Spanish announcers table and takes a seat ringside a good 20 ft away.
JT: God fucking damn!
GP: If only the rest of us could be so blessed JT.
Meygon: His opponent, hailing from Los Angles, California, weighing in at 262 pounds
"Iron Butterfly" by In A Godda Da Vida plays, as Ash Robinson walks down to the ring to a mediocre response from the crowd in attendance. He enters the ring, and Jay waste no time pouncing on him with rights and left.
GP: Damn, he can't even wait for the bell to ring.
JT: Atta boy!!
The ref goes to break them apart, but Psycho Jay shoots him a threatening glare, causing him to retreat in caution. Psycho Jay lifts up Robinson and nails him with a powerbomb. Jay cockily puts one foot on top of Ash Robison, and orders the ref to call for the bell and make the count.
GP: What a cheater.
JT: Hey, whatever it takes man. We're talking about the fucking World Title here.
Ash Robinson, easily rolls out of Psycho Jay's haughty pin attempt, but noticeably his clutching his back. Psycho Jay seeing his wounded prey goes on the attack, with a running clothesline.
GP: And Ash Robinson goes down.
JT: Damn right he does.
Psycho Jay feeds Ash Robinson the heel of his boot repeatedly, drawing blood from Robinson's mouth.
GP: Damn, he's bleeding already.
JT: HEHE!! BLOOOOOOOOOD!!
Psycho Jay Irish whips Robinson into the ropes, and nails him with a big boot to the jaw. Ash Robinson hits the mat hard. Psycho Jay pulls Robinson to his feet, and plants him with a double arm DDT. Psycho Jay rips Ash Robinson to his feet again, and grabs him by the throat, and administers a devastating chokeslam.
GP: Ash Robinson's just about done right now.
Psycho Jay goes for the pin.
Psycho Jay gets off Ash Robinson.
GP: What the hell's he doing?
JT: Obviously his gonna pound the shit out of his fucker.
GP: This could be a crucial mistake by Jay here, by not putting Ash Robinson away right now.
JT: Please. He has this one won.
GP: Even so, he still has 2 more men to face to win this tournament. Dragging this one out is doing nothing but tire him out unnecessarily.
JT: If he's not worried why the hell should you be?
Psycho Jay lifts Ash Robinson up to his feet. Ash Robinson wobbles around in a daze, so Jay decides to have a little fun with him. Psycho Jay bitch slaps him a few times till he backs him up into the ropes. Psycho Jay whips Robinson into the opposite ropes, and catches him in a nasty spinbuster, leaving Ash Robinson grabing his back in agony.
GP: Ash Robinson's back could really be in bad shape here. I'm not sure if he'll be able to continue.
JT: Who cares? MORE BLOOD!!
Psycho Jay brings Ash Robinson to his feet. Jay lifts him, and gives him a pendulum backbreaker. Psycho Jay gives Robinson a chock toss, and plants a knee in Robinson's spine on the way down. Psycho Jay then pauses to taunt the fans, which react as they did before. With a equal helping of boos and cheers. Ahs Robinson see his chance to attack, and makes a desperate charge at Psycho Jay. Jay turns around in just the right time, and dips down shoulder tossing Ash Robinson to the unforgiving concrete outside.
Psycho Jay exits the ring, and grabs Ash Robinson as the ref starts a ten count
Psycho Jay slams Ash Robinson's head into the guard rail, then presses Ash's face into the steel, and drags him from side to side. The friction from Ash's flesh, and the guardrail's metal open up deep gashes on Robinson's face allowing the blood to flow freely.
GP: God, damn. Psycho Jay is really working over Ash Robinson here. He could've ended it a long time ago. I still think he was unwise in continuing this match.
JT: Shut up Greg. Psycho Jay's obviously trying to convey a message to the rest of the guys in this tournament. And it is clear and simple.
GP: What would that message be?
JT: HE IS NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH!
Psycho Jay mercilessly kicks Ash Robinson in the gut, as the ref continues the count.
GP: If he doesn't watch it here, they'll both be DQ'ed
Psycho Jay enters the ring, climbs off the top rope and lands an elbow drop to Robinson's sternum, re starting the count.
JT: God damn!!
GP: It's been a while since I've seen a 300 pounder leap from the top rope like that.
JT: This is the IWO baby!
Psycho Jay lifts Robinson up and tosses him into the ring. Instead of entering himself, he goes to have a little chat with his manager Vincent. Leaving Ash Robinson prone, and motionless on the canvas, besides the occasional twitching.
JT: Heh heh.
GP: Psycho Jay's arrogance, may be his un-doing in this match.
JT: Shut up and let the man have his fun.
Psycho Jay finally returns to the ring, and brings Ash Robinson to his feet. He whips Ash Robinson into the corner, and backs all the way up to the opposite corner, preparing for a charge.
GP: This doesn't look good for Robinson here. That's 300 plus pounds muscle about to slam into him right now.
JT: Yeah. It's gonna hurt.
Psycho Jay charges and leaps for a splash
NO ONE HOME!! Jay slams into the turnbuckle.
JT: Not to worry
Psycho Jay turns around, and is nailed in the face with a Shadow Kick from Ash Robinson. Robinson quickly covers.
GP: Yes!! I told you he shoulda put Ash Robinson away when he had the chance!
Th-NO! Psycho Jay shoulders out with authority. He scrambles to his feet and pummels Ash Robinson with an enraged series of punches and head butts.
JT: Atta boy Jay. I was scared for a second there.
GP: Man, Jay is really laying in on Ash Robinson.
Psycho Jay gets off Ash Robinson, leaving him bloodied, and staining the canvas in crimson. He lifts Ash Robinson, and lands a "Huminator", and from there it's academic as the ref makes the easy 3 count.
JT: He walks away with the win, just like I knew he would.
GP: Whatever. Let's continue on with the PPV.
We cut backstage again, to Tom Ford's office. Tom is sitting at his desk, furiously engaged in a game of scrabble with a small stuffed monkey. Suddenly, Jack Breaker barges in, flips the game board over, and slams his fists furiously down on the desktop.
Tom: Can I... help you?
Jack: Oh, real funny, Ford. Playing the businessman, the innocent bystander... well, let me tell you something, Mr. President. I'm mad as hell about this and I'm sure as hell not gonna take it anymore.
Tom: ...Do I know you?
Jack: Can the funny business, Ford. You know damn well what I'm talking about.
Tom: Is this about the dead goldfish? Cause I swear, I have no idea how the vacum cleaner got that close to the bowl...
Jack: Huh? No, I was talking about the lack of bananas at the catering table... you killed my goldfish?
Tom: No... of course not... that would be fruitless and cruel.
Jack: `Cause nobody messes with little Jaws. He'll fuckin' BITE you, man.
Tom: I'm sure he will. Now, is there any reason why you had to distrupt my game with Señor Munkey?
Jack: Oh, yeah. There's a monster in my locker room.
Tom: Ah. You found the monster. Don't worry. That's just my evil twin, Herman.
Jack: Well, what's he doing in my locker room?
Tom: Don't mind Herman. He's just a little shy around humans.
Jack: He fuckin' ATE my walkman!
Tom: He's rather exciteable, I'll give you that.
Jack: AND I think he ate Jake, too!
Tom: Don't be silly. Jake is playing hide and seek with Bob Job.
As if on cue, Jake crashes through the ceiling. He gets to his feet and dusts himself off.
Jake: Man, the air ducts in this place are SHODDY, at best.
Bob Job suddenly rushes in.
Bob: Ha! I thought I smelled raspberry shampoo!
Bob: Oh, yeah. You don't use shampoo. Well, someone around here is wearing raspberry shampoo. I know it isn't Jack, because I look through his garbage... It's not me... well, I guess it couldn't possibly be anyone, then! Forget I said anything... I know I have! Poodles!
Bob vanishes in a puff of powdered sugar. Jack and Jake follow suit, although opt for the more conventional 'door' exit. The camera cuts to a close up of Tom Ford's face. he turns to his stuffed monkey companion, and discreetly pulls a small pink shampoo bottle out from under his desk.
Tom: No one must ever learn of my horrible secret, Señor Munkey... nobody, you hear me?
Cue the dramatic music and evil laugh. Then cut elsewhere.
Gold and Glory Tournament
Simon Seaman vs. Jack Breaker
GP: This is a match that could very well steal the show. Jack Breaker, the winner of the 2002 May Mayhem match, squares off against Simon Seaman, a former World Heavyweight Champion!
JT: A show stealer? Anything Simon's in steals the show! COME ON BABY! TWO TIME! TWO TIME!
GP: And that's not a bad thing....
JT lowers his head.
GP: No matter the case, let's head to Meygon.
Meygon, inside the ring, in a cargo net. Very classy. Well, for her.
Meygon: This next match, is another quarter final match, and is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first...
"Cyclops Rock" by They Might be Giants hits the pa system as the fans turn towards the entrance rampway. They start to cheer for Jack Breaker's irrelevant brand of humor, as Meygon continues the introductions.
Meygon: He hails from New Orleans, Louisiana, and is the winner of this year's May Mayhem match! He weighs in tonight at two hundred and forty two pounds, and is the master of both the Heartbreaker and the Clockwork DDT! Here is Jack Breaker!
Jack Breaker walks out from the back, box of trix in his hands and his hair fully out. Aubrey Breaker is also by his side, dangeling from his arm. Aubrey tries to reach into Jack's trix box, but he pulls away enough so they're out of her reach. Both of the Breaker's make their way towards the ringside area, as Jack tries to shield his coveted Trix box.
Meygon: And his opponent...
"Relax" by Powerman 5000 came over the pa system to a defeaning amount of boos. The lights dim to a complete black as Breaker lets out a shriek from the ring. A small silver spotlight from the top of the arena latches onto rampway, as Simon Seaman stands there, raising his hands and pointing towards Breaker in the ring.
Meygon: He hails from Los Angelos, California, and weighs in tonight at two hundred and thirty three pounds. He is a former IWO World Heavyweight champion, and likes to be Known as both S2, and the IWO... here is Simon Seaman!
Seaman, reaching the ring and ignoring the fans, slides in and immediatly tackles Breaker down to the mat. Seaman lets go with a flurry of right hands, before picking up the eccentric Breaker by his hair.
*Ding, ding, ding*
Simon rocks Breaker back to the ropes with a few rights, before sending him off the other side. Breaker ducks a leap frog from Simon, returns off the other side, and ducks underneath a clothesline. Breaker puts on the breaks, elbowing Seaman in the back and sending him in a standing bridge. Jack locks in an inverted headlock, and drives Seaman into the mat with a huge leaping inverted DDT.
GP: Seaman's neck compounded on the mat! Breaker likes to use those ddt's, and I'm sure he's just wearing down for his Clockwork!
Breaker dives on for the cover.
JT: NO! He won't hit the clockwork and he won't get the pin!
Seaman gets a shoulder up.
GP: That's not the end all end all of the match you know.
JT: Yeah, but it's not over... and Seaman will make Breaker PAY for stealing his finishing manuver! Only S-Two can preform a move like that!
Breaker gets to his feet quick, bringing Seaman up with him. Seaman catches him with a few shots in the gut, before placing his head in a Breaker face lock, and tossing him behind him in a release Northern Lights.
Seaman lands on the back of his neck, and shakes it off before getting up to a standing position himself.
JT: THERE YA GO! Simon Seaman, back in action!
GP: You don't even think Jack has a chance, do you?
JT: Jack? Who the fuck is Jack?
Breaker gets to his feet, shrugging the move off near the ropes, as Seaman charges. Breaker ducks his head, back body dropping Seaman up and over the top rope, and to the outside. However, Seaman is able to turn his body, and land on the ring apron. As Breaker goes to walk off from his successful manuver, Seaman grabs Breaker by his hair and snaps him down to the mat by it. Breaker clutches at his neck, the part of his body that recieved the most impact, as Seaman gloats on the outside. Simon then leans back, and slingshots himself over the top rope. He drops his leg across the neck of Breaker, who coughs out a large air of breath. Seaman makes a cover.
Breaker gets his hand on the bottom rope. Seaman pulls it off and locks them in his own hands before making a lateral press.
Breaker gets a shoulder up.
JT: COME ON MAN! Just lose! You don't have a prayer!
Cut to JT who's standing by the announce position with his hands in a prayer fashion. He then quickly drops that, pointing towards Breaker.
JT: SEE! You don't have that! You don't have God looking after YOU!
Suddenly, a large finger comes and punts JT out of the announce table and into the distance. Greg Parker lets out a sigh of relief.
GP: Thank God!
Inside the ring, Seaman has locked Breaker into a front headlock, and is wrenching it in. He's got the advantage vertically, and is resting his entire body on the sore neck of Jack Breaker.
GP: Seaman with a traditional sleeper hold, looking to really work on the neck of Breaker, and hopefully wear him to the point of defeat.
However, Breaker was fighting back. A trifecta of elbows to Seaman's gut breaks the hold, and then Breaker runs off the ropes. He ducks Seaman's clothesline and comes back with a cross body, which connects with Seaman's own cross body. Both men fall to the mat in a heap, as the refree begins the ten count.
GP: COME ON, BREAKER! GET UP!
JT comes back on a golf cart.
JT: Damn God! Why isn't he on my side!
GP: You said "Praise Allah!" in a large number of matches.
JT: Bah! Who needs God, anyway... I have SEAMAN~!
Suddenly, a large finger comes and punts JT out of the announce table and into the distance. Greg Parker shakes the finger.
GP: What would I do without you?
Seaman and Breaker get up at the same time, and both men exchange right hands. Eventually, Breaker begins to win and he backs Seaman into the corner. He whips him into the far side ropes, and then charges in, catching Seaman with a lariat, before quickly following up with a bulldog.
GP: BULLDOG! BREAKER WITH THE COVER! ONE... TWO...
Seaman gets his left shoulder up in time, and Breaker could not believe it. He grabs Seaman and goes for a reverse DDT, but Seaman flips up and over Breaker's shoulder, before catching him with the Vice Versa. Just then, JT comes back and calls the action.
JT: YES! YES! VICE VERSA, BABY! IT'S ALL OVER~!
GP: When did you come back!?
JT: Just now.
Seaman did not want the win off of the Vice Versa, the fans know what he wants, and boo him as he climbs up to the top rope. He flies off with the Silencer...
JT: WHAT?! DAMMIT!
JT shakes his fist at the sky.
JT: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, DAMMIT.
Walker waits for Seaman to return to his feet after missing with the Silencer. He charges.
GP: YES! YES! CLOOOCKWORK DDT~!
Breaker slides in for the cover.
JT: FUCK~! FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK~!
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen... the winner of this match... and MOVING ON to the semi-finals of the Gold and Glory tournament... JAAACCKKKK BREAKER~!
JT repeatedly pounds his head on the desk.
JT: It's... not... fair.
Gold and Glory Tournament
Nuke vs. Harold Hash
Meygon: Coming to the ring first standing at 6-4 243 pounds, hailing from Queens, New York
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls hits the arena speakers, as Nuke makes his way to the ring to a thunderous chorus of boos, and a few cheers. Trash is being hurled at him from the stands, but Nuke shrugs it all off and, enters the ring with smug grin on his face.
GP: Nuke is really hated by the fans here.
JT: That's cuz they don't fucking know talent when they see it.
GP: You're such a fucking generic heel announcer.
JT: That I am :-(
GP: You do realize both these guys are heels right?
JT: Well, it'll be tough, but I plan to both hate and love both of them passionately.
GP: You are truly an imbecile.
Meygon: And his opponent in the first round of this gold & glory tournament, standing at 6'1" 231 pounds, master of the *takes a deep breath* This is a long name for a move that isn't all to impressive but i like cause I am like that, and if you don't like it you can suck on my toes till your nads fall off and smack you in the face...BWAHAHAHAHAHA, okay this is a really long name for a damn move, and it isn't all to descriptive and I know noone will ever call it that but I don't care, we are getting back to cause I am like
that too, oh yeah this really isn't correct grammar. Barq's is the best Root Beer of all time. *panting*
GP: That was pretty impressive.
JT: Yeah, I need a bitch with strong lungs like her.
You do realize that made no since right?
JT: Oh yes.
HAAAAAROOOOOLLLLLD HAAAAAASSSSSHHHHH !!!
"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse blares throughout the arena, as Harold Hash makes a b-line for Nuke in the ring. Hash slams into the Nuke taking him down with a shoulder tackle, then pummeling him with rights and lefts.
GP: Hash is coming in this one with some major intensity.
JT: Yeah, Hash is gonna murderlize that puke Nuke. But Hash doesn't stand a chance against the Innovator of Wrongness himself. You can quote me on that.
You're not really gonna do that the whole match are you?
JT: I just might. :-)
Hash brings Nuke to his feet, and knocks him back down again with a standing front dropkick to Nuke's chest. Hash then hits the second rope with a lionsault.
Nuke kicks out before the 3 count. Hash rushes him, going for a right hand, but Nuke blocks it with his forearm, and answers with a stiff right hand of his own sending Harold Hash reeling.
GP: Nice punch by Nuke.
JT: Of course it was a nice punch by Nuke, what the fuck else do you expect from the future World Champion. But of course, Hash wasn't hurt by that punch at all, he's gonna win this whole thing you know.
Nuke grabs Hash, and buries a knee into his gut. Hash keels over in pain. Nuke grabs him and administers a gutwrench powerbomb. Nuke hooks the leg for the pin.
Hash kicks out, and scrambles to his feet. Hash and Nuke circle each other, glaring into one another's eyes. Hash and Nuke lock up, but Nuke breaks the lock up with a knife hand chop to Hash's neck. He follows that up with a spinning roundhouse to the side of Hash's head, taking him down hard.
GP: What a dirty shot by Nuke there.
JT: Like he's a fucking technician. Nuke's the dirtiest fighter in the IWO and proud of it! But Hash is the dirtiest fighter in the IWO and proud of it!
GP: That was so retarded.
JT: Retarded like a fox!
Nuke lifts Hash to his feet, and goes to whip him into the turnbuckle but Hash reverses the whip and sends Nuke colliding into the corner. Harold Hash rushes in with a turnbuckle clothesline on Nuke.
Nuke stumbles out of the corner in a slight daze. Hash bounces off the ropes, and nails Nuke with a running bulldog. Hash then gives Nuke a rolling frog splash, and covers.
Nuke shoulders out before the 3 count. Hash pulls him to his feet, and grapples for a move, but Nuke shoves him off and into the ropes.
GP: I thought Hash might've had him there.
JT: Pssh. Please. Hash beat Nuke? Not a chance in hell buddy. But Hash should win this match by the end of the night. I guarantee it!
Hash bounces of the ropes, and Nuke sets up for a shoulder back toss, but telegraphs it way too soon. Hash kicks him in the face, straightening Nuke out. Hash runs off the ropes and catches Nuke in a running hurricirana. He holds on to Nuke with his legs, sitting on his chest, and wailing away at Nuke's face with punches.
GP: Look at Hash go!
JT: Yeah Hash is beating the shit out of Nuke. He won't be able to take anymore of this punishment. Nuke loves pain. Hash isn't doing shit to him.
GP: This is really getting old JT.
Hash finally stops, and lifts Nuke to his feet. Hash Irish whips him into the corner, and mudhole stomps Nuke to a sitting position. He then lifts him up, and sets him up on the top rope. Hash then climbs to the second rope, and applies an inverted ¾ facelock on Nuke and drops himself down, giving Nuke a stunner off the top rope.
GP: Top rope stunner by Harold Hash!
Harold Hash then climbs to the top, and perches onto the top rope, awaiting Nuke to get up to his feet. Nuke groggily gets to a vertical, and Harold Hash leaps off with a diving spear. Nuke, though dazed, still has enough wits about him, to dodge the move, and bring down the top rope, so Hash flies to the outside.
JT: Smart move by Nuke there. But what a stupid move by Nuke, outside the ring is where Hash thrives.
GP: You're gonna have to stop that ok JT.
Nuke backs up and bounces off the opposite rope, then propels himself off the top rope to the outside with a suicide dive that misses it's mark as Hash narrowly rolls out of the way. Nuke lands neck first on the guardrail.
Hash gathers himself for a second then grabs up Nuke by the dreadlocks, slamming his head into the guardrail. Nuke returns the favor by doing the same to Hash, and the two go back and forth in this fashion for a while.
JT: Both these guys are fucking awesome, but I gotta tell yea they both really do suck.
GP: STOP DOING THAT YOU ASSHOLE!!
JT: I'm a generic heel announcer, what the fuck do you want from me?
While JT and Greg Parker argue, Nuke and Hash have a head bashing contest with eachother on the guardrail and opened each other up pretty badly.
Hash: You're turn!
*slams Nuke's head into the guardrail*
Nuke: Fuck you!
*slams Hash's head into the guardrail*
Hash: Kiss my white ass eggplant!
*slams Nuke's head into the guardrail*
Nuke: Drink leukemia fuckface!
*slams Hash's head into the guardrail*
Hash: Eat pig fetus shitpacker!
*slams Nuke's head into the guardrail.*
Nuke: Drown in a puddle of AIDS you worthless cockwhore!
*slams Hash's head into the guardrail.*
fuck a witty comeback!
*slams Nuke's head into the guardrail.*
Nuke succumbs to the multiple head first impacts with the steel rail, and collapses unconscious.
Hash: I win fuckers!!
Hash then reaches under the ring table and pulls out 2 tables. He stacks them one on top of the other, and picks up Nuke. He drags Nuke on top of the two tables, then gives him a spinning sit down piledriver plowing Nuke's head through both tables.
Hash snatches up Nuke and rolls him into the ring. He covers.
GP: This could be it for Nuke!
JT: Yes!! Hash will advance! But there's no chance of Nuke losing this match tonight!
GP: There's not chance of you leaving her alive if you keep this up.
Meygon: Winner, and advancing to the next round HAAR-
GP: Wait the refs motioning toward the ropes.
Hash is celebrating his win, but the ref taps him on the shoulder telling him the match is still going.
GP: Nuke had a leg on the ropes! This match is still unfinished!
Hash is irate and charges at Nuke, who thinking quickly takes his legs out from under him with a dropkick to the kneecaps. Nuke jumbles up to the top rope and leaps off with a Nuclear Holocaust. Nuke hooks the leg for the pin.
GP: This could be over.
JT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! but YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!
GP: That's it!
Meygon: Winner of this match, and advancing to the next round
Fade out, then in.
We cut to the arena where the ring has been transformed into a wedding, there are flowers in all the corners of the ring and a podium has been placed in the centre a minister is standing behind it as Bob Job stands in the ring with Pen.
GP: This is a first for IWO.
JT: Hopefully a last.
'Song 2' by Blur starts to play.
GP: Here comes the Bride....well maybe the groom.
Bungle walks out wearing a wedding dress over his bear costume, he is heavily pregnant. Bungle walks down to the ring holding Winnie The Pooh.
JT: Is Winnie The Pooh giving Bungle away?
GP: It looks like that.
Bungle enters the ring, where he holds hands with Bob Job.
Minister: We are gathered here today, to show the love between Bungle and Bob Job. They have asked you all here today at his IWO Pay Per View to witness the happiest day of their life. Bungle a well known homosexual wrestler and Bob Job the midget sensation of IWO have been in love for 7 days now and with Bungle about to give birth in the near future it is time for them to marry....Does the best man have the rings.
Pen holds out two condoms.
Minister: Bungle repeat after me. I Bungle Bear....
Bungle: I Bungle Bear.
Minister: Take Bob 'The Extreme Jobbing Sensation' Job.
Bungle: Take Bob 'The Extreme Jobbing Sensation' Job.
Minister: To be my husband for as long as I do live.
Bungle: To be my husband for as long as I do live.
Minister: For better and for worse.
Bungle: For better and for worse.
Minister: Bob Job, repeat after me. I Bob 'The Extreme Jobbing Sensation' Job.
Bob Job: I Bob 'The Extreme Jobbing Sensation' Job.
Minister: Take Bungle to be my big gay bear lover.
Bob Job: Take Bungle to be my big gay bear lover.
Minister: For richer and poorer.
Bob Job: For richer and poorer.
Minister: For as Long as I do live.
Bob Job: For as Long as I do live.
Minister: Ladies and Gentleman it is at this point that I ask for anyone who has any reason why Bungle and Bob Job should not be married to speak now.
Pen taps on the shoulder of Bob Job and pushes him out of the way, Pen runs into the ropes and kicks Bungle in the nuts.
GP: The best man just kicked the bride in the nuts.
Pen kicks Bungle in the stomach as Bob Job looks on in shock.
JT: I think Pen was jealous.
GP: He can't kick Bungle in the stomach, he's pregnant.
Security runs out to split the fight up as Bungle lays in the ring holding his stomach.
JT: It looks like Bob Job and Bungle were never meant to be.
GP: Should up...Bungle might have lost his baby!
JT: ... You can't believe that horsecrap? Oh dear God, you did! Is this a bad time to say that the tooth fairy doesn't exist?
GP: SHE DOESN'T?!?!
Greg Parker thinks.
GP: Hmmm... then when I was ten and stayed over your house, lost that tooth, who did I fuck?
JT: Well, the only people in the house at the time was me and my mom...
JT: You are NOT Gunnar Smith.
Heatstroke Battle Royal
**THIS IS EXTREMELY OFFENISVE DUE TO THE MASSIVE RACIAL CONTENT INVOLVED IN IT. IF YOU THINK THE WORDS, NIGGER, WOP, GUMBA, JEW, FAGGOT, AND CHINK ARE OFFENSIVE DO NOT READ THIS MATCH. THIS MATCH IS NOT THE VIEWS OF ANYONE IN THE IWO. I, DAVID SELESTOK AKA HAROLD HASH, WROTE IT CAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING A REAL MATCH AND WANTED SOMETHING OFFENSIVE! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT READ THIS MATCH.**
Appologies, David is a fucked up little boy with problems, but I'm a lazy person who can't wait to get this thing out any longer, so it's this or nothing.
Meygon: This match is a battle royal we are having just to use people and make this PPV seem longer then it should be. The people in the match are as follows Erik Blake, Banderas, Bungle, Impact, Jackson Steele, Joey Sooner, Mikey Capitali, Mike Marchese, Rob Kestler, Saint Vitua, Tommy Kane, Tommy Manson, Twizzy. They are making their way to the ring now.
"Are you the Walrus" by Furthermore plays on the PA system, cause I like the song. After everyone gets in the ring the bell rings.
GP: Oh this should be a good match, I just love Battle Royal's. They are so nice.
JT: What the fuck are you talking about? This is going to be a bunch of shit. I mean the only people in the Battle Royal worth a shit is Rob Kestler, Mike Marchese, and hurts me to say so Erik Blake, god I hate Blake.
GP: Then why do you think he is worth anything?
JT: I said the tar baby is worth a shit didn't I! That isn't what I consider a compliment.
Mikey Capitali goes after Saint with a stiff clothesline next to the ropes. Mikey nails Saint and knocks him over the top rope to the floor. God Saint sucked.
JT: Oh god what the fuck. I mean come on how are you going to be beaten in like 2 seconds of a match starting? I mean that is fucking bullshit. Not to mention he got beat by a fucking WOP! That damn gumba. How did he not slip on his own grease from his hair?
GP: Feeling racist are we today JT?
JT: Hey fuck you, you're nothing more then a damn redneck. Hey how was fucking your sister today? You get that 5-year-old pregnant? Or have you killed a nigger today?
GP: What are you talking about? You know I stopped fucking my sisters three years ago! And I haven't killed an African American since the 80's!
JT: That's bullshit, I have videotape of you killing a nigger three days ago! Watch the IWO-tron, I will get them to show it the tape.
The camera pans to the IWO-tron since this match isn't worth anyone's time I am just going to make some fucked up shit with the announcers go on, just had to make that clear for all of the retards in the IWO. The scene opens up with Greg Parker poking a dead black man hanging from a tree.
GP: You going to burn nigger. You are going to burn like your friend over there.
The camera pans to the left to see a faggot tied up to the tree. He is wearing a tight shirt and tight pants. The shirt is black with the word "Princess" written in pink on it. GP walks to him and pours 20 gallons of gas on the tree and fag. Greg then walks over and lights the fag on fire. Greg walks back a few feet watching the tree/faggot/nigger all burn.
GP: I guess you were a flamer weren't you Ace Hothorn.
The film stops rolling and the camera goes back on Greg and JT.
JT: See that is hard proof that you not only killed a nigger but a faggot as well. What do you have to say for yourself Greg?
GP: I HATE FAGGOTS AND NIGGERS!
JT: And the right you should. You are part of the supreme race. You are a white male. That means you are superior to everyone and everything. If a nigger looks at you the wrong way you shoot him. If a spick doesn't speak English to you, you have the right to cut out his tongue as a sign to all the other boarder hoppers. Well I guess it is technically boarder swimmer.
GP: Yeah, and if a faggot looks at you with that look in his eye then you have the right to castrate him and shove a bottle rocket up his ass and fire it. If a chink doesn't give you a proper amount of duck sauce with his Egg Foo Yung you have the right to bind his feet while stretching out his three-inch dick to the normal size of 7 inches.
JT: Now you are getting it Greg. You are excepting your place in the world. YOU, you are one of the best kinds of people
white. Now lets get ride of the rest of those dirty people in the ring. Who is left in the ring by the way?
GP: Erik Blake and Rob Kestler.
JT: LET'S GET THAT NIGGER AND RETARD!
JT and GP get up from the announcer's booth and grab baseball bats that are placed near their table. The go into the ring. Erik Blake and Rob Kestler see them with the bats advancing on them. Kestler and Blake look at each other and jump over the top rope and run to the back stage area, eliminating both of them at the same time.
Meygon: This match is a no contest due to the fact that the last two contenders eliminated themselves and ran for the boarder.
JT drops the bat and grabs the mic from Meygon.
JT: Well Greg our plan worked. You were right it would be easy to get this fucking match over with quickly.
GP: Yeah I told you so. Never doubt me again
JT and Greg drop there mics and walk back to the announcers table.
Gold and Glory Tournament
Nuke vs. Donnie Daze
GP: Next up is a semifinal match for the Gold and Glory Tourna-
JT: BAH~! BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH!!!!!
GP: ...ment. You will have to forgive my broadcast collegue... the fact that neither of the guys whom he gives blowjobs to, have advanced to the semi-finals.
JT just groaned and slammed his head on the desk again.
GP: Anyway, next up, we've got Nuke against Donnie Daze, and only one of these two will make it to the finals. Daze is a former IWO World Champion, while Nuke has yet to taste the gold.
JT: As much as I like Nuke, I'd rather have Phillips or Seaman in here.
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls began to play. This drew out Nuke, who received a huge amount of boos from the crowd. Nuke shrugged them off, as usual, and entered the ring.
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a semi-final match for the Gold and Glory tournament... in the ring... from Hollis-Queens, New York, weighing in at two hundred and forty-three pounds... he is NUUUKKKEEEE~!
The fans booed upon the announcement.
GP: Nuke isn't too liked right now.
JT: No shit.
"Geronimo" by Unwritten Law.
The fans erupted as Donnie Daze made his way out to the ring, a little more worse for wear than Nuke was at this point. He entered the ring, as Meygon made the announcement.
Meygon: And his opponent... from Port St. Lucie, Florida... weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds.... he is DONNIIIIEEE DAZE~!
JT: Boo! Hiss! Fuck off, Daze!
GP: You're really mad at him.
JT: You bet! *shakes fist at the sky* DAMN YOU, GOD, FOR MAKING DANIEL LOS- OOF!
The giant finger was back, and it punted JT off into the distance. Parker looked at the finger and started to worship it.
GP: I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy.
The finger left, and the bell rang, signifying that the match was on its way. Immediately, Nuke rushed up to Daze and pounded on him with rights and lefts of the brutal variety. Daze is unable to defend himself, as he's whipped into the corner by Nuke. Nuke charged in, but out of desperation, Daze brought up both of his feet and caught Nuke in the face. Daze pulled himself up to the second rope and caught Nuke with a missile dropkick.
GP: Missile dropkick by Daze... but I think Daze is still feeling the effects of his match with Daniel Phillips. It's kind of strange, because you would think that Daze would have the endurance to face a dozen Daniel Phillips's.
Daze got back up before Nuke and caught him with a second, lower dropkick, to the recovering Nuke. He quickly went for the cover.
GP: Cover! One... two... NO!
Nuke was getting back up on his feet, so Daze pulled him up and went for the cradle DDT. Nuke blocked it with a front suplex and a stiff kick to Daze's face that caused his nose to start bleeding. JT came back at roughly around this time, and cheered this.
JT: YEAH, BABY, YEAH! KICK HIS FACE OFF, NUKE!
Nuke pulled Daze to his feet and sat him up onto the top rope. He climbed up and tried for a superplex, but Daze blocked it and tossed Nuke off the top. He landed in prime position for the Daze Blaze, and so, Daze leapt off with an insane, high elevation frog splash.
GP: YES! DAAZE BLAZE~!
Daze held his chest in pain, the impact hurt him as much as it hurt Nuke. He finally rolled over and made a cover.
GP: COVER! ONE...
JT: SHIT! NO NO NO! NOT AGAIN!
GP: THRE-NO! NO NO!
Daze was in shock, but Nuke had not only kicked out, but was getting back up to his feet. Daze got up and tried for Dazed and Confused, but Nuke blocked it by knocking away Daze's hands. He caught Daze with a BLATANT low blow, and for some reason, the referee didn't call for the bell. Nuke quickly caught Daze with an implant DDT, and decided to finish the job.
GP: He's already going for the Burning Psychosis!
He hits it.
GP: NUKE WITH THE BURNING PSYCHOSIS ON DAZE! THIS ONE MAY BE OVER!
*ding, ding, ding*
The fans erupted in boos at Nuke's dismantling of Donnie Daze, as JT was nearly having an orgasm at ringside, thanks to Daze finally losing.
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen... the winner of this match... and moving on to the finals of the Gold and Glory Tournament... NUUUUKEEEE!!!
JT: YES, YES! WOO! DAZE IS FINALLY OUT! Now, Nuke just needs to kill someone else, and he'll win the belt! I'll take whatever I can get as far as a World champion goes~!
Gold and Glory Tournament
Jack Breaker vs. Psycho Jay
GP: Now we move on to the semi-finals with Psycho Jay and Jack Breaker.
JT: Sure it's not Jake?
GP: No. It's Jack. Now shut the fuck up!
JT: Boy are you testie tonight.
Meygon: Coming to the ring first for the semi-finals of the Gold & Glory tournament
"Cyclops Rocks" by They Might Be Giants hits the PA as Jack Breaker strolls his way into the ring, to a warm reaction from the fans. He slides under the bottom rope and waits for Jay.
Meygon: And his opponent
Psycho Jay rolls into the ring behind Jack Breaker and slams him in the back with a heavy forearm smash.
Meygon: ASSHOLE!! I DIDN'T FINISH THE FUCKING ANNOUNCEMENTS!!
Psycho Jay pauses from pounding on Jack Breaker long enough to give Meygon the finger.
Meygon cries and leaves the arena.
that wasn't nice.
JT: Yeah, maybe I should go console her.
JT scrambles after Meygon.
JT returns with a black eye.
Psycho Jay lifts Breaker up for a powerbomb, but Jack takes him down with a hurricanirana.
GP: What happened to your eye JT?
JT: She started screaming rape before I could get too close to her, and the security guard decked me in the face.
GP: Tough break. I heard the bitch was easy... and flexible.
Jack Breaker does a standing flip splash onto Jay, then pins.
Psycho Jay kicks out with authority. Breaker scrambles to his feet, but the charging Jay takes him down with a shoulder tackle. Psycho Jay then steps on Breakers neck.
GP: Oh, come on! That can't be legal!
The ref, agreeing with Greg's sentiments, admonishes Psycho Jay and orders him to get his foot off Jack's neck. Psycho Jay and the referee get into a shouting match. While Jay is distracted, Jack Breaker gives him a standing dropkick to the back hurling him into the ropes and tumbling to the outside. Jack backs up, and launches himself over the top rope in a suicide plancha landing on Psycho Jay.
GP: Look's like this one's getting a little hardcore.
JT: Yeah!! Finally.
GP: The match just started JT.
JT: Yea, it's been 3 minutes, and I've yet to see someone maimed, murdered, impaled, molested, or have his vital organs played like a violin. Frankly, I'm disappointed.
You sick fuck.
JT: Thank you :)
Meanwhile, Psycho Jay and Jack Breaker take to brawling on the outside. The much bigger Psycho Jay over powers Jack Breaker and send him reeling with a stiff right hand. Jay then lifts Breaker up and gorilla press slams him onto the barricade.
Psycho Jay snatches Breaker up to his feet, and tosses him toward the ring steps. Jack collides with the steel steps and un-jars them. Psycho Jay stomps on Jack Breaker mercilessly, before snatching a steel folding chair from some bitch in the crowd. He slams the chair on the ground a few times waiting for Breaker to get up.
GP: Oh this is gonna be bad.
JT: Oh yeah! This is gonna be good!
GP Why do you have to contradict me?
Breaker gets to his feet somewhat tenderly and Psycho Jay rears back to slam the chair into his skull, but Breaker superkicks the chair into Psycho Jay's face.
GP: Nice one!
Breaker tosses Psycho Jay into the ring, and climbs to the top rope. Perched on the top rope Breaker waits for Jay to arise. Jay gets to his feet and Breaker leaps toward him grabbing him mid flight and executing a picture perfect top rope flying neckbreaker.
Jack Breaker lifts Psycho Jay and signals for his finisher.
GP: This could be it!!
JT: Pssh. Wanna bet on that.
GP: Sure. How much?
JT: Your wife for my wife!
While the announcers were talking Breaker had already nailed the Clockwork DDT, and pinned Psycho Jay for the three count, and was currently celebrating his win.
GP: Ha ha!!
JT: Idiot I don't have a wife! Matter of fact, I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN 5 YEARS!!! Take that Greg!!
Exactly how was you screaming that, supposed to offend me? You just told everyone how pathetic you are, I don't care.
Meygon: Your winner, and Gold & Glory finalist
Those Damned Mexicans vs. Coral Avalon & Bob Job
GP: Folks, it's time for
a very ODD match.
JT: What's so ODD about it? It's just my FAVORITE tag team, Those Damned Mexicans, versus Bob Job and the IWO's newest punching bag, Coral Avalon!
GP: TDM hasn't had good luck against Bob Job, seeing as he beat them on HT a few weeks ago with Pen.
JT: PEN?! HA! PEN IS A SPATULA!
JT realizes what he said, and realizes that it makes TDM look bad.
forget that comment.
"Song 2" by Blur starts to play, and the crowd goes wild and apeshit for Bungle and Coral Avalon. Bungle, in characteristic bear suit, walks out immediately behind Avalon. When the two slide into the ring, Bungle tries to pull down Avalon's pants, but fails.
Meygon: The following contest is a GRUDGE MATCH!
Captain Obvious: Dude
it goes without saying.
Meygon: I really enjoyed your input
Captain Obvious: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDEN.
Captain Obvious flies away.
Meygon: ANYWAY! Introducing first, at some combined weight, CORAL AVALON AND BOB JOB!
"Self" by American Head Charge replaces "Song 2," and the cheers turn into boos. With Captain Obvious leading the way and wearing The World's Most Ridiculous Hat, Diablo and Edguardo finally come out. The crowd is stunned into silence by The World's Most Ridiculous Hat, because of its sheer ridiculousness. Diablo and Edguardo, both wearing pairs of The World's Least Ridiculous Sunglasses, are unaffected, since the power of the Sunglasses neutralizes the power of the Hat. I think.
JT sits up. He, too, is wearing a pair of The World's Least Ridiculous Sunglasses.
JT: Jesus, Parker, quit whining.
The ref, averting his eyes, removes The World's Most Ridiculous Hat from Captain Obvious, and puts it under the ring so that the match can continue. While the ref is doing this, Diablo and Edguardo surprise attack Bob Job and Coral Avalon!
GP: AND HERE WE GO!
Diablo sets up Avalon, and delivers a HUGE Border Kick, sending Avalon flying to the outside of the ring! This leaves Bob Job against both members of TDM!
DING! DING! DING!
The ref forces Diablo to return to his corner. Not a wise move, ref, because that allows Edguardo to procure the LOADED BURRITO! He takes the Burrito, and prepares to smash it against Bob Job's head. But Bob bends over at the precise last second.
Bob Job: BUTTERFLY! COME BACK!
In a very sad scene, Edguardo, holding the Burrito, chases Bob Job around the ring, while Bob Job tries to catch the butterfly. "Flight of the Bumblebee" by Rimsky-Korsakov (don't ask where the hell I got that name
for those of you who don't know, that's that one really fast opera piece) starts to play. Bob Job slides out of the ring, and Edguardo, out of frustration, tosses the burrito at Bob! But the burrito ends up hitting an octogenarian (eighty-year-old) woman in a short skirt and tube top.
GP: DEAR SWEET JESUS!
The woman stands up and brushes herself off.
Octogenarian Woman: Oh Aaron
do you think you could reach into my pants and pull out my dildo? I left it in my pussy last night
GP and JT: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
Aaron Smith: I TOLD YOU SHE WAS MY WHORE GRANDMOTHER!
John Sanders: I BELIEVE YOU! I BELIEVE YOU!
Marc Sanchez: DIE!
Marc Sanchez destroys Aaron's Whore Grandmother, and Aaron Smith and John Sanders both leave. Same with Marc, after basking in the audience's applause. The match continues.
GP: Thank God for Marc Sanchez!
JT: After that? THERE IS NO GOD!
Bob and Edguardo actually start to wrestle. Bob thumbs Edguardo in the eye, then tags in a refreshed Coral Avalon. Avalon charges, but foolishly runs into a clothesline from Edguardo. Edguardo then delivers an inverted atomic drop to the rookie, and places him in between the second and top ropes. Then, he tags in Diablo. They both charge, and
GP: OH MAN! A 1228!
GP: A 1228! AS IN A DOUBLE 619!
JT: All I know is that the last number has a 6 and a 9 in it
and that's 69!
just shut your Muppet mouth, Taylor! Just shut your mouth or I swear that I'm gonna beat you so hard that your dog will be retarded!
JT: Whatever, Parker, just stick your head in your ass so that we can't see your face.
As Avalon stumbles about in the ring, Diablo leaps, and delivers a springboard dropkick. The move lays Avalon flat. Diablo goes for the cover.
GP: And a kickout! For commentary on that, we go to Representative Penis Navy! Wiener Air Force! Vagina Coast Guard! Pecker Marines! Cock FBI! Snatch NSA! Wang Military!
Dick Armey: IT'S DICK ARMEY! DICK ARMEY! D-I-C-K-A-R-M-E-Y!
Captain Obvious: Dude
you need to stop ripping off SNL sketches.
GP: Thank you SOOO much for sharing
Captain Obvious: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDEN.
Captain Obvious flies away. Attention refocuses on the match, which in the time that passed, became incredibly awesome, with Diablo and Avalon trading insane technical maneuvers. But thanks to Greg Parker's ripping-off of SNL, you missed it. Diablo whips Avalon off the ropes, but the rookie stuns Diablo with a flying forearm. He springs off the ropes again, and hits an Erroneous Conclusion (spear)! The crowd goes wild as Coral Avalon covers.
Diablo kicked out fairly easily.
JT: Man, Avalon is an idiot. He can't even think up moves on his own!
GP: Yes, but he's the one that could buy you. And he just took it to Diablo!
Diablo just gets up, and with fire in his eyes, whips Avalon off the ropes and throws him to the ground with a massive spinebuster! Edguardo goes to the top rope, and flies off in a moonsault leg drop! As the ref is talking to Edguardo for getting into the ring, Diablo clocks him with a clothesline from behind!
GP: NO REF! NO REF! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
Well, Edguardo pulls out two Loaded Burritos, for starters! He throws one to Diablo, and as Bob Job rushes out, he receives a double burrito shot!
JT: YEAH! That's the #8 Combo with Beef!
JT: You know, like at Taco Bell!
GP: Whatever. TDM JUST CHEATED!
JT: No shit! That's what makes them so heelishly heel!
Diablo then puts Coral Avalon on the top turnbuckle. As he hooks in a reverse Russian legsweep, Edguardo hooks in a front facelock while standing on the top rope. Both members of Those Damned Mexicans jump off simultaneously
And they hit the Super EMP. Diablo covers as the ref comes to.
GP: And TDM has to CHEAT to take one from Coral Avalon and Bob Job!
JT: It doesn't matter if they cheated, they still won!
Diablo's grabbing a microphone.
Diablo takes the mic, and begins talking.
Diablo: Now that we've had our piece of shit pay-per-view match, we've got a message for the Tag Team Champions. Team VIAGRA! If you can't beat the Legion of Dairy, you're pathetic. They may have beaten us
but that was because Edguardo and I both had food poisoning from eating
JT: SHUT UP!
Diablo: So now that it's readily apparent that we can beat either team, we don't give a damn who wins. But to whoever does win, we want a match at Heatstroke! And if we don't get one
well, let's just say that you don't want to see what happens if we don't get one.
"Self" by American Head Charge hits, and the crowd boos as TDM makes their exit.
GP: Well, what an exciting night this has been already! We've got lots more in store, including the Gold and Glory tournament with the World title on the line...
Greg is interupted when a soap bubble lands on his nose and pops.
GP: Well, this can mean only one thing...
JT: Is it the end of mankind as we know it forever?
GP: No. It's.. well... kind of...
"Cyclops Rock" by They Might be Giants hits as an explosion of bubbles occurs onstage. We see Jack Breaker appear amidst the bubbles, trailed by his wife Aubrey and his partner Jake Walker. They approach the ring slowly, Jack and Jake rocking out on air guitar and Aubrey high-fiving the crowd. They finally get to the ring and leapfrog the ropes. Jack runs to one turnbuckle and does a handstand on it. Jake and Aubrey do likewise with the other two. A stagehand rushes up and balances a small stuffed bunny on the unoccupied ringpost. They then settle into the middle of the ring, Jack brandishing a microphone.
Jack: Hey, crowd! What's up?
GP: Well, you got to hand it to the Deadlier Sins... they sure love sucking up to the fans. And Breaker SOMEHOW is still in this tourny.
Jack: Hey, I resent that remark, General Gregory D. Parkinstein!
GP: What the... how the hell can you even hear me?
Jack: [softly] I have... powers.
Jack turns to the fans and salutes.
Jack: Anyway. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen! The in-ring promo that THEY don't want you to see! The segment that just DOESN'T WORK! We won't be doing this tomorrow night in Dallas... we won't be doing it at the crappy house show next Tuesday at Rick's Mattress Warehouse in Buffalo... because it DOESN'T WORK! The segment that has been deemed to wild, too crazy, and above all, too stupid for human observance! Because it DOESN'T WORK! May I present to you, the viewing public, the legendary star of film and stage... the ONE, the only, the voice of Kit on TV's Nightrider... wait, that isn't right... uhm... Please give a warm welcome to ARTHUR FONZARELLI!
The theme from 'Happy Days' hits as a very overweight Korean man dressed in a leather jacket and painfully tight jeans appears on stage, thumbs rasied in a meager attempt at impersonating the Fonz. He trudges down to the ring as the crowd begins to chant the names of random fifteenth-century explorers.
Jack: Come on in here, Fonzie, let's have a look at you.
The Fonz slides into the ring.
Jack: Say the line, man. Say it.
Fonzie grabs a microphone from a stagehand.
Fonz: Hey. Wait.. no, let me do that again. H...he-eey?
Jack: Close enough.
Jack takes a step back and looks him over.
Jack: Man, you really have let yourself go. I know Arthur Treacher's Fish n' Chips is a great place, but there comes a time when you just have to say 'no more'! Jake, come on in here and have a look at this.
Jake slides into the ring, dragging two incredibly large swordfish behind him. He innocently hides them behind Aubrey and walks over to the Fonz.
Jake: Hey, don't you work down at the bagel place on Merrick road?
Jack: Not now, Jake. There are more pressing issues at hand. Things like "why does it suddenly smell like onion and squirell?" and "is that a hamster crawling in your hair?". You know. Important stuff.
Jake discreetly sneaks back over to Aubrey and retrieves the swordfish. He slides one over to Jack, and keeps the other himself. Without warning, they strike, smacking Fonzie in the head simultaneously. The con-fish-to.
GP: My God! The Deadlier Sins have just DECIMATED former television star Arthur Fonzarelli for absolutely no reason!
JT: At times like this, a few words come to mind. Words like hell. And what. And the. Uhm... not in that order, though.
GP: I gathered that much.
JT: Did that you how did?
GP: Just don't talk anymore, JT.
JT: Donkey you fuck don't a why, Greg?
GP smacks JT in the back of the head.
JT: Ow! Hurt that.
GP: Straight damn, hurt it.
JT: Why the hell are you talking like that?
GP: Like what?
Back in the ring, Jack and Jake are standing over the fallen body of the Fonz. The audience is perplexed... dumbfounded.
Jack: I told you folks that this segment didn't work!
The crowd starts groaning and booing and throwing small children at the ring.
Jack: Well, I basically just wasted my five minutes out here. Let me just say that Simon Seaman is not a very nice person and I personally would not quite care to have tea with him. And so therefore I must wedge a starfish in his ass. You know, cause I think there is a lack of starfish ass-wedgery in this country. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go save Tokyo.
"Cyclops Rock" hits once again as the Sins rush out through the crowd. We see GP and JT, sitting at the announcer's table, visibly confused.
JT: Well. I guess we've just been graced with another visit from the idiot fairy.
GP: There's no such thing as the idiot fairy, you idiot.
JT: [Shocked] You've just scarred me for life, Greg.
Extreme Title Rematch
Schitzo Tod vs. Mad Max
GP : OK, folks, now it's time ... to die.
JT : It is?
GP : Or time for the Extreme Title bathroom brawl. Something like that.
JT : Oh. Cool beans.
GP : No, not really. It'll be stupid.
JT : Yes, but in an intelligent way.
GP : Indubitably. Let's go to Meygon, cause we just got it like that.
JT : ...If you ever say that again, I'll rip your throat out and replace it with something that's funny to replace throats with, like Volkswagen Beetles.
GP : Fair enough.
Meygon is in the ring. Start spanking it ... now. Not because of Meygon, but because of that sexy referee. I'd like to Bungle him right in the Ash Robinson.
Meygon : The next contest is a Bathroom Brawl, which will only end when one wrestler gives his opponent a swirly in one of this arena's public bathrooms ... so I hope they've been cleaned today. The winner of this match will be the IWO Extreme champion, so won't that be peachy keen? OK, introducing first ... a former World champion, as well as having won all the other belts but the NA title, including all the ones we used to have when we had like a million titles ... the master of the TAM ... insert random funny statement about him here ... SSSSSCCHHIIIIITTZZZZOOOOO TTTOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!
"Date Rape" by Sublime hits, and Tod moonwalks out from the backstage to a thunderous pop. Tod continues to moonwalk until he gets to the beginning of the ramp, at which point he trips and rolls head over heels down the ramp. Tod picks himself back up and looks confused.
Tod : Who put that wacky inclined plane there?
Tod shrugs and clambers into the ring.
Meygon : And next ... he's a multi-time Extreme champion, and, as everyone knows, the RIGHTFUL winner of Mall Brawl I ... sorry, the commissioner made me read that ... accompanied by Bat ... MMMAAAADDD MMMMAAAAXXXX!!!
"Frayed Ends of Sanity" by Metallica (cause I have no clue what his real music is) plays as Max walks from the back, holding Bat in the air to a hugeacious pop ... cause "huge" didn't seem to compare to "thunderous." Max runs down the ramp and slides into the ring. The bell rings, and Max immediately lunges at Tod with Bat. Tod ducks under the wild swing and kicks Mat in the back of the knee. This staggers Max, but doesn't cause him to drop Bat. Max turns around into a flipping dropkick from Tod, which makes Max stumble back into the ring ropes, still not knocking him down. Tod backs up and charges Max to clothesline him over the top rope, but Max lashes out with Bat and knocks Tod flat on his back. Tod's momentum makes him continue sliding out of the ring.
GP : What an explosive beginning to this match!
JT : Thank God for the Generic Comment-o-Meter.
Max climbs out of the ring after Tod and lifts him up by the hair. He rears back for a big swing with Bat, but Tod counters with a poke to the eyes, causing Max to drop Bat and release Tod.
Max : Ow!
Tod : Haha!
Bat : IN YOUR EYE!
Both Max and Tod pause, before breaking into a hearty round of laughter at the appropriate statement. Max suddenly breaks up the laugher by abruptly punching Tod in the face.
JT : Not only was it was a cheap shot, but it was to his good friend. That earns double points in my book.
GP : What points?
JT : ...Shut up.
Max grabs Tod and whips him into the steel steps. Tod rolls around, clutching his back. Max walks over and stomps him a few times, then goes back to retrieve Bat. He waits for Tod to regain his feet, then swings with great forcitude at Tod's head. Tod dives out of the way and Bat hits the ring post, causing Max to vibrate à la a cartoon character. Tod sweeps his feet out from under him and quickly sits down on his chest. He licks both his index fingers and proceeds to give Max a wet willie. Max squirms around and then tries to tap out.
GP : Unfortunately for Max, you can't submit in this match. The only way to win is to stick your opponent's head in a public toilet and flush away.
JT : What moron invented the stipulations for this match, anyway?
GP : That would be AWS Commish (also known as Dictator). The Bathroom Brawl was his specialty match.
JT : He used to wrestle?
GP : He just retired a few months ago. He was World champion at the time!
JT : A few months ago? Man, I can't even remember what happened last YEAR, let along last month.
GP : A year is a lot longer than a month, you dumb fuck!
JT : Yeah, you keep believing that.
Tod finally relinquishes his "hold," which means the announcers can stop their inane banter. Tod picks up Max and starts leading him up the ramp. However, since the wet willie didn't inflict any physical damage whatsoever, Max is quickly able to counter by slipping behind Tod and slamming him with a belly-to-belly suplex onto the bottom of the ramp.
GP : Harsh suplex on the unforgiving steel!
JT : Yeah, damn that steel. It NEVER forgives. I mean, IT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO! LET IT GO! I SAID I WAS SORRY, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!!
GP : ...What the HELL are you talking about?
JT : Why do you even bother asking anymore?
GP : I really don't know.
Max picks up Tod and chucks him up the ramp. Tod disobeys all kinds of physics by flipping head over heels all the way up the ramp, much like he did on the way down. He comes to rest at the top of the ramp, quite dazed. Max follows him up there. Max reaches down to pick Tod up, but suddenly Tod kips up, reminiscent of his old Team Tampax days, except that this time his feet connect with Max's ... other Bob.
JT : Right in the particulars!
Tod grabs Max and executes a DDT on the stage. He then seems to get an idea, as a big lightbulb goes off over his head. Tod looks up and screams as he's blinded by the bright light.
JT : That'll learn him to get ideas.
As Tod stumbles around trying to see again, Max gets up and boots him in the stomach. He lifts Tod up and brings him back down with a powerbomb. Max then picks Tod up and leads him backstage, searching for a bathroom. Suddenly, he's distracted by something.
Max : Popcorn man!
Max rushes a nearby man and tackles him, then begins tickling him.
Max : Gimme your popcorn! Gimme your popcorn!
Man : I'm not the popcorn man! I don't even have a job; that's why I live in the arena!
Max : I know, I just like saying that and tickling people.
Max gets up, but his strange fetish cost him, as he turns around to get smacked in the head with the stop sign which it's mandatory for all wrestling arenas to have somewhere in the backstage area. Max shakes his head and blinks a few times to clear it.
Max : Man, probably shouldn't do that again.
Max drops the stop sign and goes after Tod, who's just now getting to his feet. Max goes for a big forearm, but Tod rolls under it and springs up on Max's other side, dropkicking him in the lower back to knock Max into the wall. Tod gets up and whips Max down the hall ... although it probably would've been better if he'd actually whipped him into something. Max continues running full-speed down the hall.
Max : WHEEE!
Tod : Hey, come back here! I'm not through thrashing you yet!
Tod runs after Max. Finally, Max sees a bathroom and stops.
Max : Ah, here we go.
Max reaches behind him, grabs Tod as he's trying to slow down, and slings him right through the bathroom door. Tod goes flying through, and Max follows after him.
JT : Doesn't this match seem to be going by pretty fast to you?
GP : Well, that's what happens when half the match gets erased by a completely random power surge.
JT : What?
GP : Never mind.
Max advances on Tod, but suddenly Tod grabs Max's head and smashes it into one of the bathroom mirrors. Max stumbles back, looking emotionally hurt.
Max : Owwww! That really hurt! You could have cut me!
Tod : Um, sorry, Max. But we are in an Extreme title match.
Max : Oh yeah!
That said, Max grabs Tod's head and slams it into a different mirror. Max then throws Tod into a nearby stall. The extreme icon charges in after him, but Tod puts his arms on both walls of the stall and lifts his feet up to kick Max in the jaw. Tod runs out of the stall and jumps up onto Max's shoulders, taking him down with a spinning headscissors. Both men get back to their feet at about the same time, with Max facing away from Tod. Tod takes advantage of this to grab him from behind for the reverse DDT drop, but instead Max leans forward and uses his superior size to muscle Tod up onto his shoulder. Max faces the stall and throws Tod towards the toilet like a javelin, but Tod manages to reach up and grab the top of the stall door. He pushes off of the door and moonsaults onto Max, once again taking both men down.
GP : Tod's using high-flying antics in the bathroom!
JT : ...I really don't have anything sarcastic to say to that, and that makes me sad.
Tod stands and waits for Max to do so as well, before giving him the TAM (kick to the shin). Max flies backwards as if he were hit by a bullet train, and smashes through the stall door into the toilet.
JT : How the hell does a kick to the shin do that?
GP : It's not just a kick to the shin; it's the TAM.
Tod picks up Max and prepares to stick his head into the bowl for the swirly, when suddenly a group of IWO wrestlers charges into the bathroom. Amongst the crowd we can make out Harold Hash, Bungle, Bob Job, Pen, and AWS Commish (also known as Dictator). Tod looks up and drops Max.
Tod : Hey guys, how's it- GLLLUUUGGGG!!
Tod's random "GLLLUUUGGGG!!" noise is suddenly cut off by having his head dunked into the toilet by his nearest "friend." Just when Tod is let up for air, another dunker takes that wrestler's face. On the vicious cycle of swirlies goes, until Tod is left sputtering and gasping, with a very wet head. He dimly sees Max approach him.
Tod : You too, Max? ...Then let Ceaser fall! Erm, that is, uh... Let Ceaser fall! No, wait, that's not right ... Then let-
Max : QUIET, YOU!
Max dunks Tod's head again and flushes the toilet. The bell at ringside is rung, and the triumphant Max is handed the Extreme title.
GP : I don't believe it! Tod was betrayed by all his closest friends! ... Well, I do believe it, but still!
World Tag Team Championship
Team V.I.A.G.R.A. vs. the Legion of Dairy
GP: Well, this is where the World Tag Team title match is supposed to go, but it seems that team VIAGRA have yet to make their way to the arena. So... Wait a minute, I'm getting a fax!
JT: We have a fax machine?
GP: Quiet JT, it's really just a note written on the back of a local newspaper, but they don't know that... well, they do NOW you retard.
GP: Anyway, due to Viagra's noshow, the tag team titles are vacated, and the Legion of Dairy and Those Damned Mexicans will fight for them at Heatstroke!
JT: So, no stupidity tonight?
GP: No, I think we've had our fair share already.
Gold & Glory
IWO World Heavyweight Championship Match
Nuke vs. Jack Breaker
GP: After all we've been through tonight, we come to this. The be all and the end all...it's time for the main event. This will decide who will be our new IWO World Heavyweight Champion and you've got to believe that the two competitors, Nuke and Jack Breaker, will be giving it their all right here. A chance for either man to reign supreme and attain gold, as well as glory.
JT: Gregory, this night has been a night of disappointments. Don't know what I'm talking about? Rightfully so, because people "like you", won't understand. You see, a travesty I have seen right before my very eyes is the disappointment. How in the hell does Jack Breaker even deserve to be in this match-up? Sure he was able to beat the man known as S2, Simon Seaman, but do you know why he was able to beat him? It is because Jack Breaker has made a deal with the devil. Somehow and in some way, he got the one-two-three on Seaman and you know what that is? That's right...a travesty. You take a look at the travesty the world has experienced in history and it makes you go hmm. World War I? World War II? The Great Depression? Crystal Pepsi? Alf? Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett? None of them even compare to what we witnessed earlier tonight.
GP: When are you going to admit that Simon Seaman lost because Simon Seaman lost? What is your problem? Are you just that dumb?
JT: You see, right there. People like you living in your own make believe world thinking everything is all fine and dandy like sour candy while I, someone who knows what really is going down, is getting barraged with questions and ridiculed with insults. Time and time again, my people and I are getting bamboozled. BAMBOOZLED I tell you!
GP: Could we get on with match? Anyone back there? Please?! Can we cue someone's music? Anyone's music?!
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls blasts through the speakers as Nuke, along with midget Nuke emerge from the entranceway. As they make their way down to the ring, Nuke shares a little conversation with the people in the aisle before laughing in their faces.
Meygon: This match is set for one fall and is for the IWO World Heavyweight Championship! Making his way to the ring, from Hollis-Queens, New York. Standing at six foot, four inches tall and weighing in at 243 pounds...here is...NUKE!
JT: In the midst of these happenings, I am glad that at least someone of class is involved in this match. God knows that the IWO couldn't use more of that you know. You know what? If Nuke doesn't win tonight, which of course will not happen when you face an individual like Jack Breaker, it will just be another one of those damn travesties. You know what that means?
GP: You will continue to be bamboozled?!
JT: You damn right.
Walking up the steel steps, he acknowledges midget Nuke before entering the ring and awaiting his opponent. As the crowd and music die down momentarily, "Cyclops Rock by They Might Be Giants", hits the speakers as Jack Breaker appears, accompanied by Aubrey. The fans lend him a great reaction as he walks down to ringside.
Meygon: From New Orleans, Louisiana, he stands six feet, two inches tall and weighs in at 242 pounds. Accompanied to the ring by Aubrey Breaker...JACK BREAKER!
As Jack leads Aubrey over to ringside, he slides into the ring and glances at Nuke from afar. Having a word with the ref, he backs into his corner and stretches a bit as the ref walks over to Nuke to speak with him. After a few seconds, Nuke brushes off the ref as he prepares for the battle.
JT: Well look who it is. Jack Breaker has decided to show his devil-dealing face. How appropriate. He has even brought that jezebel Aubrey with him? Fire and brimstone I say! Fire and brimstone! It's getting hot in here...and it's not because of Nelly. That's for sure. You tell it, Greg. You tell the world!
GP: Yeah, I'll do that. Anyway ladies and gentleman, here we go. The Gold and Glory tournament comes down to two men and they are standing in the ring as we speak. It's Nuke versus Jack Breaker. You have to admit that these guys will truly be giving it their all for that title, but there is no doubt that there will be signs of fatigue. Both competitors were involved in a series of hellacious matches earlier tonight and this one will be no exception. They basically have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
JT: Hellacious, huh? I knew it. I knew that pitchfork you had wasn't yours. Like you'd ever farm...
GP: I can't believe you get paid for this schtick.
JT: What schtick? Dang it, Parker! Don't make me drop a Bamboozled bomb on you again! Plus, I take pride in my work and it shows.
GP: Shows what exactly?
The ref signals for the bell as the crowd becomes anxious, awaiting the beginning of this significant match-up. A stare down between Nuke and Breaker from opposite corners of the ring ensues for a short period of time until they both begin to circle around the ring. With a slight buzz emanating throughout the arena, the two competitors size one another up before they execute a tie-up. Nuke and Breaker struggle to get the upper hand and soon enough, Nuke forces his opponent into the corner. With the referee sandwiching himself between both of them, he successfully breaks Nuke's grasp of Breaker. Soon enough, Nuke backs off for a moment, but then lays in a shoulder to Breaker's midsection without warning. A series of those gives Nuke the advantage as Breaker tries to regain his composure. Capitalizing on the opportunity, Nuke unleashes a few rights on his opponent, who rests himself against the ropes for moment. A whip from Nuke followed by a back elbow infuriates the crowd once the Innovator of Wrongness taunts both the audience and his opponent.
GP: Got to love that cockiness, right?
JT: That isn't cockiness. Nuke is in the main event, he's facing this Jack Breaker guy, and is the only person in this arena if not this world that can salvage this night from behind the disaster that it looks like it very could be. You know what that is? I'll tell you what that is. That is confidence mixed in with truth, my friend. You don't know what that is? You just got told, my man.
GP: For goodness sake...if you're going to ask me a question, give me time to answer.
JT: Oh. My bad.
Breaker finds himself back on his feet, but is whipped a second time into the ropes. An attempted clothesline from Nuke is ducked by his opponent who gut wrenches him and goes what appears to be a German suplex, but ends up on the receiving end of a few more elbows. Breaker drops to one knee as Nuke gets in a set of punches that almost bring his adversary to the mat. Breaker is able to stand up, but is this time whipped violently into the corner. In a vulnerable position, Nuke gets a running start and connects with a vicious clothesline. A startled Jack Breaker seeks to get back on two feet, but is met with stiff boots from his opponent.
JT: Nuke shows me something that Jack Breaker cannot and that is tenacity. You know what's more tenacious than Jack Breaker? Everything. In fact, I think my toilet paper is more tenacious from Jack Breaker.
GP: How can toilet paper be more tenacious than Jack Breaker? Seriously, why? Anyway, what does that have to do with the match?
JT: You've obviously never used the brand I use. Your loss I guess.
Nuke uses the top rope for leverage as he sinks in a boot to Breaker's throat, but releases it just in time before the ref has a chance to warn him about it. Kicking him out of the ring and onto the floor, Nuke follows and slams Jack's head into the ring apron a couple of times. With Jack staggering at ringside, Nuke is able to drive him with what looks to be a variation of the spear into the security barrier. Breaker screams in pain as Nuke continues the punishment on his opponent. A knife edge chop echoes throughout the arena, while the whip into the ring post makes the whole crowd gasp, almost in unison. Nuke tries to yell at the fans, but they shun him back once he toys with Breaker on the floor with a kick to the back of the head.
GP: So far, Nuke is in full control of this match. He keeps this up and there is no question who will win this one.
JT: What did I tell you? This is Nuke at his best and if you've been paying attention the past few weeks, Nuke is ready, willing, and able to win that title.
The ref urges Nuke back into the ring and he eventually obliges. Taking his sweet time to re-enter, Breaker is able to get up and gets a hold of Nuke standing on the apron. Breaker tries a forearm to the face, but Nuke is able to duck it and strike his shoulder once more into Breaker's midsection. Nuke leaps up and over the top rope with a sunset flip, but Breaker gets a hold of the ropes and sits on top of him, hooking both of his opponent's legs for the cover.
GP: Smart move by Breaker there. Hopefully he'll be able to get back into this thing.
JT: Well a sunset flip isn't going to do it. I think Nuke just proved it right there. Continuous and specific punishment on an opponent or some fancy ass pin attempt?
Nuke hastily returns to his feet and attacks Breaker with a quick elbow drop to the lower back. Helping Breaker back up, Nuke whips him into the ropes and goes for a hip toss. The first if blocked by Breaker, as is the second, but a knee to the gut from Nuke softens Jack up. With Breaker doubled over, Nuke signals for the Burning Psychosis, but is surprisingly tripped up by his opponent. Breaker looks to the crowd for approval and as they cheer him on, he attempts a slingshot, but Nuke blocks it and instead uses his lower body strength to shove Breaker into the ropes and out onto the floor.
JT: Breaker doesn't listen, does he?
GP: Like he'd listen to you.
JT: He could if he tried, but no. He doesn't I get...
GP: We know, we know. Bamboozled, right?
JT: Do I even need to sit here anyone or are you going do colour too? You want me to leave? Because I will if you have all this covered. Sure the broadcast will be dull, but I'm willing to sacrifice my spot to you if you wish.
GP: Sit down already. Stop being so sensitive.
Breaker slowly stands up and is almost struck with a baseball slide, though successfully moves out of the way just in time. The exchange of lefts and rights from both competitors gets the crowd on their feet, but Nuke slows the pace right back down with a knee to Breaker's gut. Emphasis on Jack's midsection is clearly apparent as Nuke nonchalantly lifts his opponent up and guides him down stomach first onto the edge of the announce table. After a few more punches to weaken Breaker, Nuke rolls him back into the ring. Remembering to hook the leg, Nuke goes in for the pin attempt.
JT: The midsection, the midsection, the midsection. Nuke has his sights set on the midsection. That is what you need to do. Have a plan and do what you need to do to win the match. Both these guys have to realize that this isn't no ordinary Hostile Takeover. This is the main event and, of all things, the world title is on the line. If you can't handle the pressure, you shouldn't even be here.
GP: For the first time in a long time, I'd have to agree with you. Although Nuke has the distinct advantage, he needs to step it up. Jack Breaker needs to step it up because if he doesn't, he could say bye-bye to the title because after all he's been through...he's simply not going to get it.
Although having some difficulty breathing, Breaker somehow conjures up the strength to get in a few elbows on his opponent and momentarily is able to get the advantage on things. Though, his comeback was soon halted as Nuke executed an impressive spinebuster that literally shook the ring. Coming off the ropes, Nuke got off a great looking splash and yet another pin attempt. The ref dropped down to make the count, but Jack pulled himself together and kicked out at the count of one. Nuke soon attempted to maintain control of the match and whipped Breaker into the corner. He charges him, but Breaker somehow moves out of the way just in time. Nuke hits the turnbuckles hard and starts backpedaling before falling into a roll up.
GP: That was close. Very close. Nuke made a mistake there and it almost cost him the belt. He's got to pick his spots and he's got to continue what he has been doing this whole match.
JT: I guess this would be a bad time to plug our sponsors.
GP: We don't have any sponsors.
JT: I hate this place.
The fans get behind Breaker as Nuke stands there with a look of anger on his face. Getting a hold of his opponent, Nuke tries to whip Breaker into the ropes, but Breaker is able to reverse. Nuke comes back with what looks to be a clothesline, but that's ducked by Breaker who eventually connects with a forearm to his opponent. Nuke pops up from the mat and is whipped into the ropes this time by Breaker, but miraculously reverses it and sends Jack to them instead. From out of nowhere, Breaker tries Clockwork DDT, but is shoved away by Nuke. With another stiff kick to Breaker's gut, Nuke hooks him up for the Paranoia Implant DDT, but stalls too long as his opponent is able to release himself. Nuke tries to get a hold of Breaker, but Jack manages to hook Nuke up and drop him down for a reverse DDT.
GP: It looks as though Breaker has something going for him right here.
JT: Are you sure we don't have any sponsors, Parker? I thought I saw Ronald McDonald backstage. Red curly hair, but he was wearing a dress which I found very odd. That and he had a large purse with him too.
GP: What? Are you talking about my mother?
JT: Your mother is Ronald McDonald? Why didn't you tell me?! I knew it all along. The pretty ones are always the last to know.
GP: Call the damn match, please.
Nuke slithers out of the ring and seeks refuge at ringside while Jack favours his stomach. Breaker follows Nuke out of the ring and throws his opponent with one hand into the steel steps. Nuke then scrambles on the floor to try to get back into the ring, but is stopped by Breaker who pulls his opponent back first into the barricade and clothesline him up and over it.
GP: Both guys are really stepping it up now. Looks like they know whatyou're talking about.
JT: Well it's about time.
Breaker trails Nuke in the crowd as the people start to get even rowdier than before. Once security pulls the fans back, Breaker finally catches Nuke and pulls off a side suplex on the ground below. With Nuke holding onto his shoulder and neck, Breaker gets approval from the crowd. Leading him back into ringside, Nuke fights him off with a few rights to the midsection in order to catch his breath. Though, Jack finds enough strength in him to shove Nuke into the barricade a second time. As both competitors take a breather, Jack slowly hooks Nuke up for a suplex, but his opponent is able to avoid it for the time being. With the ability to block the first two attempts from Breaker, Nuke tries a vertical suplex, but the tables turn on him as Jack lifts Nuke up and sets him down crotch first onto the railing.
GP: Well that's going to hurt in the morning.
JT: Not to mention the afternoon, evening, and night.
Nuke yells out in tremendous pain as Jack backpedals and the tremendous clothesline after that sends them both spilling into the ringside area. The ref tells both participants to get back in the ring and after a moment, Breaker and Nuke both get there. Jack is the first to get on both feet and instead of making the cover, he makes his way up the turnbuckles while his unsuspecting opponent lies in the ring. Scaling up all the way to the top, Nuke suddenly shows signs of movement and quickly lunges for the ropes, crotching his opponent on the top turnbuckle in return. As Jack Breaker sits there in a great deal of hurt, Nuke ever so slowly crawls to the corner to get in a few punches. Doing so successfully, he finds the strength to walk over to the other corner of the ring. Taking a second to rest, he charges Breaker, but is met with a boot to the face. Holding his jaw with his back turned, Breaker stands up on the top turnbuckle in preparation for a high risk move. Motioning for Nuke to turn around, he staggers around for a while before making a complete one-eighty. Leaping off the top ever so gracefully, the Heartbreaker is unsuccessful to the crowd's dismay as Nuke jumps out of harm's way. An awkward landing from the risky move effects Breaker as he simply lies there in the ring on his side, unwilling to move.
JT: You see what you get, Breaker? You see that? That's what you get for trying to steal Simon Seaman's move and making it all fancy for yourself. Do you understand now? I bet you do, you bastard! You better believe it!
GP: Just when I thought we could get through this match without another Seaman reference, there you go again.
JT: Tell me this, Parker. What is the Internet Wrestling Organization without Simon Seaman? You talk about backbones of companies or brains of operations or hearts of...whatever hearts are of. You think about all that and you know what Simon Seaman is? He is the Internet Wrestling Organization. He is, when you think about it, THE IWO. He might not be in the ring right now, but made it possible for these two individuals to duke it out of the title.
GP: So, in fact, the IWO is PBS and he makes pledges?
JT: Some might say that.
Nuke heads to the top turnbuckle as well to capitalize on the mistake of his opponent. Climbing up to the middle and top turnbuckles, he poses for the crowd, before jumping off and connecting with the corkscrew diving headbutt, better known as the Nuclear Holocaust. The crowd gets riled up as Nuke and Breaker lay there smack dab in the center of the ring. Both competitors show some signs of movement, yet it is Nuke who drapes his arm over Breaker for the pin.
GP: Damn that was close!
JT: The beating Jack Breaker has received is undeniably one of the best I've ever seen, yet he still manages to continue on.
Breaker gets the shoulder up at the last second as the crowd anxiously awaits the pin attempt that will crown the new IWO World Heavyweight Champion. With Breaker using the ropes to pull himself up, he puts the boots to Nuke as his opponent rests against the ropes. An Irish whip sends Nuke into the opposite set, but an obvious back body drop attempt by Breaker is seen and Nuke kicks him right in the face. The momentum sends Breaker to the canvas hard and Nuke to the ropes as the Innovator of Wrongness pulls out a submission move out of the blue. The single leg crab is welcome with a series of boos from the fans as the ref checks Breaker. With Nuke wrenching back on the move, Breaker attempts to crawl towards the ropes.
GP: The midsection and the lower back. The two areas that Nuke has practically focused on this entire match-up. Jack Breaker has got to be in a world of hurt right now.
JT: Nuke has this in the bag. In my opinion, you might as well give the title to that man in that ring. Nuke is your world champion. So long and good night.
The crowd comes alive as Breaker inches closer and closer to the bottom rope. With Breaker almost there, he lunges for it, but Nuke is able to drag Breaker all the way back into the middle of the ring. Jack in agony, moves himself ever so slowly to the ropes for the second time. The ref screams in his ear, but Jack keeps on moving as Nuke glances back in disbelief. With all his might, Nuke pulls back on Jack's right leg, though Jack somehow is able to the find the ropes.
GP: Breaker found the ropes!
JT: I can't believe this. Someone test this guy for steroids or pain
killers or something. I can't stand this much longer.
The frustration on Nuke's face is apparent as he takes a look at his opponent and then slides out of the ring to retrieve a steel chair from under the ring. The fans yell obscenities into his ear while he re-enters the ring with the weapon. As he awaits Jack Breaker, who surprisingly is able to get up on one knee, the referee notices Nuke and before he could even get in a single chairshot, the ref grabbed it from him just in time. Absolutely irate, Nuke and the referee had a few words with each other as Nuke looked as though he was about to attack him. The fans went nuts as Breaker stood behind Nuke as he continued to argue with the ref. Wondering what all the fuss was about Nuke turn around and was caught in a small package pin attempted. The ref dropped down to make the count as the crowd counted along.
GP: The crowd is going nuts and this match has turned into one hell of a battle. Near falls galore and it's not over, folks. Don't go anywhere because we could very well see the winner more sooner than later.
JT: I say the first man to rise to their feet will win this match and win that world title. Both competitors look out of it, but it's not over.
Physically and mentally spent, Nuke and Breaker took time out to rest before fighting it out again. A right from Breaker was met with a right from Nuke and vice versa as both men rose to their feet. With seemingly no end in sight, Nuke got in a knee to Breaker's midsection and whipped him into the ropes, though Breaker was able to counter. As Jack Breaker attempted a clothesline, Nuke ducked and although he almost struck the ref, it was not so as he came to a halt before any damage was done. Nuke then picked out the chair still in the ring and tried to attack Breaker with it, but the ref intervened and took it from him. With Breaker lurking behind Nuke as he argued with the ref, Nuke took the opportunity to nail Breaker with a low blow from a mule kick. As the ref discarded the chair, Nuke spun around and hooked his opponent, connecting with the Burning Psychosis double underhook facefirst piledriver in the center of the ring. Turning his opponent over, Nuke dropped down for the pin attempt while the ref turned around and saw the pin. Sliding over to them, he made the count.
JT: This is it! This is it!
JT: NUKE WINS! NUKE WINS! Nuke is the new champ!
GP: Can you believe that? It's all over. Cheap shot, Burning Psychosis, and goodnight, Irene.
The fans were in shock as "Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls hit the speakers. Not only did that mean that Nuke had won the match, but it also meant that Nuke was in fact the new IWO World Heavyweight Champion.
JT: What did I tell you? Nuke has done it! Though, Breaker gave it his all. I'll admit it, he gave it his all, but it was simply not enough.
GP: Nuke is the champ now, but there is no doubt in my mind that there will be people ready to face him.
Noticing what had just happened, the crowd began to show their distaste for the man who threw up both his arms in victory as his opponent lied there in the ring. The referee retrieved the title belt and handed it to Nuke, who held it high above his head in victory.
GP: This has been one interesting night if I do say so myself.
JT: This night has been redeemed and I leave a happy colour commentator.
Slowly but surely exiting the ring, he made his way to the entranceway with a look of content on his face. Although exhausted, he was able to backpedal up the ramp to take in all the positive and negative cheers and jars from the audience with midget Nuke behind him jumping up and down unbelievably ecstatic.
GP: There is your champion, ladies and gentleman. That man right there.
Draping the title belt over his shoulder, he looked on as the cameras captured Jack Breaker being tended by the referee as well as Aubrey Breaker, who looked on at Nuke with a mean stare.
GP: For my colleague, "J to tha T" and I, Greg Parker, this has been Gold and Glory. We bid you farewell and we'll see you at Hostile Takeover!
**Fade out to picture of Nuke with the title.**