The scene opens in the normal way. We all know what is going down by now. The camera rotates around to show a sold out ESA in Raleigh, North Carolina. There signs with "Maps to AWS Man (also known as Dictator.) and Harold Hash house $5" and "Gus is a guy in a suit". Greg Parker and JT are seen sitting at a table made out of Monopoly hotels. They look confused.
GP: Is it just me or do the tables we sit out get more and more fucked up?
JT: It is you, you Commie Jew Nazi Bastard!
GP: Now that doesn't make a lick of sense!
All of a sudden a limo is shown rolling up to the ESA entrance. Out steps a kid who looks around 18. He is wearing a Misfits T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He walks up to an IWO interviewer and snatches the mic. He looks at the camera.
David: I have come, I am David, the stoner cousin of Tom Ford. He left me in charge tonight. Now I don't have many duties, but one duty I do have is to make sure this show goes off goody good good. Now I will make myself shown later on in the show. But for now lets go to a commercial.
GP: Well we have another person running an IWO show, how many is this now JT?
GP: I think you're a lying bitch!
JT: Wow, I'm not just a regular bitch, I'm a lying bitch. That hurt Greg. That really did.
The camera shows Hash standing next to a coffee maker, cause we know every wrestling show has to show someone next to a coffee maker at least once! Nuke comes up and looks at Hash.
Hash: The coffee is good, too bad you're not anymore you untalented woman.
Nuke gets right in Hash's face.
Nuke: Listen you, I would shut the fuck up. DO I need to remind you who has a winning record over each other? Now if you try anything tonight it won't happen. I am waiting for you Hash; you are not going to put anything over me.
Nuke turns around walking away.
Hash: I wouldn't be so sure of myself Nuke.
The scene goes to GP and JT waiting for the first match.
Bungle vs. Erik Blake
GP: Ok! Let's get set for an exciting opening match.
GP: Yeah. Exciting.
JT: Pssh. Whatever.
let's go to Meygon for the announcements.
Meygon: Our first, quote unquote, wrestler coming down to the ring, hailing from Nottingham, England. It's "Da Brown British Bear"!!
"Song 2" by Blur hits the PA system as Bungle makes his way to the ring.
Meygon: And his opponent, hailing from Chicago, Illinois. Master of the "Highlighter" its
"Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Eminem blares throughout the arena, as Erik Blake accompanied by his manger Dave makes his way to the ring.
GP: And this match is started!
JT: *sarcastically* How thrilling, we got a faggot facing off against an alleged AIDS patient!
GP: Stop watching Nuke promos. They're bad for impressionable young minds like yourself.
Bungle and Blake circle each other. Each of them cautiously eye their opponent looking for an opportunity to strike. Blake tries to initiate a lock up, but Bungle smacks his way out of it. Bungle goes for a hold, but Blake side steps him.
JT: Oh Jesus Christ, how long is this gonna be?
GP: Just shut up and call the match.
Blake raises his hand calling for a test of strength. Bungle is confused.
GP: Why the hell's he looking at him like that?
JT: I think Bungle thinks Blake wants to kiss or something.
Bungle charges Blake, and give him a big hug. He then dips Blake, and plants a kiss on his lips, while Blake wails and flails his arms in protest.
GP: Lucky for Blake that kiss was through bear mask, and not actually lip to lip.
Blake is still fighting off this unwanted show of affection, but Bungle isn't letting go. Finally they fall over. Bungle landing on top of Blake.
JT: Hey he got's him pinned!
Blake shoves Bungle off of him, and unleashes a flurry of kicks to the British Bear's midsection. Blake then lefts Bungle up and slams him down with a hard scoop slam. Blake rips Bungle up to his feet again, and aggressively whips him to the ropes. Bungle bounces back, and is rocked with a ring jarring powerslam courtesy of Erik Blake.
GP: Blake didn't seem to take kindly to Bungles advances.
JT: I'd say.
Blake stomps on Bungle a few more times, before pinning.
Bungle kicks out of the pin attempt and rolls out of the ring to collect himself. Blake grabs him from inside the ring as he is on the ring apron. Blake gives Bungle an inverted stun gun on the ropes, sending Bungle snapping to the concrete outside.
GP: Look's like this one's bout to get a little hardcore.
Blake exits the ring after Bungle, and pulls the bear to his feet. He then drags Bungle to the announcers table and tosses him on top of it.
JT: Oh fuck. Get the hell away from here. Why can't you use the Spanish announcers table?
Pablo: Aye funk you mang!
JT: How the hell did he hear me from all the way over there?
Blake lifts Bungle up, and grapples him. Blake goes for a suplex, but Bungle blocks it by wrapping a leg around Blake's. Blake tries again, but it is blocked again.
GP: Look's like Blake won't be suplexing Bungle through this table.
JT: Thank god.
Bungle reverses the suplex attempt, lifting Erik Blake high over his head and slamming him down with a falcon arrow, shattering the announcers table to JT's dismay.
Bungle pulls Blake out of the wreckage, and rolls him into the ring.
GP: Look's like this one might be over.
Bungle lifts Blake to his feet and nails him with a "Occiscus"( DDT with a leg hooked like a side Russian leg sweep). He then covers for the pin.
*Ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: And your winner
GP: Well that was a great match wasn't it?
JT: Hell no, actually it was a piss poor match!
GP: Yeah I know, let's get on with this show.
Just Not Right
Nation of Retardation vs. Psycho Jay & Rob Kestler
GP: Alright, this next match just isn't right. Come on now, who in the hell's idea was it to book the Nation of Retardation against Psycho Jay and Rob Kestler?
JT: I don't know, but it has just the right amount of sadism for me!
GP : JT, try to be a little more sick.
JT : Ummm ... are you sure that's possible?
GP : Never mind. Let's just go to Meygon and try to get this beating over with.
Meygon : The following tag team contest is set for one fall ... and what the hell, let's make it a tornado tag match. I'm the ring announcer, so I can do that. Introducing first ... a team of two IWO legends ... they're friends, and both like porn ... if they were giving odds for this match in Vegas, they'd be favored to win fifty-two kajillion to one ... the team of PSYYYYCHOOOO JAAAAAAYYYYY AND RRRROOOBBB KEEEESSSSSTLERRRRR!!!
"Mope" by the Bloodhound Gang and "Raining Blood" by Slayer play simultaneously (somehow) as Jay and Kestler step out from the back. They walk down the ramp, Rob prancing and Jay looking bored to be here, and both get in the ring.
Meygon : And next ... one's a spatula; the other's the 1999 BJW Quadriplegic's Playing Twister champion ... yeah, they're going to lose ... Bob Job and Pen, the NATION OF RETARDAAAAATIOOONNNN!!
"Carnaval 2002" by Dario G plays as Bob Job and Pen walk out. Well, Bob Job's technically carrying Pen, but you know what I mean. He struts down to the ring, looking confident as he climbs the steps and makes his way through the ring ropes.
GP : Bob Job looks oddly self-assured tonight, considering whom he's going up against.
JT : Well, that's cause he's an idiot.
GP : Good point.
Bob Job steps right up to Psycho Jay, who's looking at him with an amused expression. Once the bell rings, Bob holds Pen out in front of him.
Bob : Leave this ring, heathen, or Pen shall smite you with the smitingness of an almighty smoter!
Jay shrugs and smacks Pen out of Bob's hands. The spatula goes clattering across the mat and stops just short of falling out of the ring. As Bob stands there gape-jawed, Jay rears back and smacks Bob across the face. Rob stands in the corner, playing with a pitchfork.
JT : Where the hell did Rob get that pitchfork from?
GP : I think he pulled it out of his pants.
JT : Wow, those are some spiffy pants.
As Bob Job slowly picks himself up, Jay grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him backwards. And by "push," I mean "fling across the ring so that Bob goes sailing into, and almost right through, the turnbuckle."
GP : That looked like it hurt.
JT : LIAR!
Bob slowly starts to pick himself out of the ropes, which he's gotten stuck into. Jay grabs him and sets him on his feet, only to whip him across the ring into Rob, who shrieks and puts his arms up in defense. He needn't have worried, though, as Bob simply runs into Rob's chest and collapses. Rob looks down and smiles.
Rob : How silly!
Rob falls down too, thinking it looked like fun; unfortunately for Bob Job, the 300+ pound Kestler topples over right on top of him, crushing the barely 100 pound Job under his weight.
GP : You know, despite the fact that this is basically a handicap match since Bob's tag team partner is an inanimate object, the NoR also gives away an over 500 pound weight advantage.
JT : Well, Pen may only weight two pounds, but he's got the drinking capacity of an obese Irishman.
GP : Even if that was true, how does that help him and Bob in this match?
JT : Who said anything about that? They're screwed in this match.
Rob picks himself up, looking down dismayed at the gasping Bob Job. Rob helps him up to his feet, but before Bob can regain his bearings, he's run down by a clothesline from Jay. At least, that was the way it was supposed to work. However, Jay failed to compensate for Bob's 4'5" stature, and ends up instead striking Rob. Jay doesn't look too concerned, though, as he merely says, "Whoops" before booting Bob in the stomach and then kneeing him in the face.
GP : Well, Jay accidentally hit his friend with a lariat, but I don't think he really cares as he continues to take the beating to Bob Job.
Jay waits for Bob to woozily rise to his feet, then grabs Bob and forces him down into a standing headscissors, which isn't too hard to do since Bob is at that height anyway. Jay lifts Bob for a powerbomb, but Bob manages to squirm out of Jay's grasp and dropkick the former World champ as he falls. However, the dropkick barely phases Jay, and Bob lands flat on his face and appears to be knocked out, so his reversal didn't really accomplish much.
JT : You know, except for still wanting to see his head ripped off and kicked around like a soccer ball, I'm starting to feel kinda sorry for Bob.
GP : How compassionate of you.
Jay appears to be feeling a little sorry for Bob as well, as he mercifully covers Bob.
Apparently not, actually, since Jay yanks Bob up to break the cover, then stands up and kicks Bob in the ribs to send him rolling over towards the ring ropes.
JT : Ha! That was classic humor!
GP : How so?
JT : Because ... it was funny. Heh heh, kicking people in the ribs! What a rib-tickler!
Jay starts walking over to Bob, when suddenly Bob snatches Pen up from next to him and nails Jay in the balls with the World's Deadliest Inanimate Object.
GP : Inanimate bitchslap to the groin~!
Jay staggers backwards, mouth and eyes wide open in shock, which makes it easier for Bob to smack him across the face with the spatula, knocking him flat on his back. Bob then turns his attention to Rob Kestler, who promptly forgot about the clothesline upon getting up and is now occupied with solving an invisible Rubix cube.
Bob : Oi, you!
GP : Sadly enough, yelling that is Bob's set-up move to his finisher.
Rob : (Turning towards Bob) Derp?
Job throws Pen at Rob, lightly hitting him in the ankle.
Rob : I'm hit! Oh, the pain in the genectigazoink!
Rob falls to the mat, and Bob covers him.
GP : The rather mother-fucking lucky pinfall of death, doom and destruction! Bob might have this match won!
Rob abruptly sits up, sending Bob rolling off of him.
Rob : (Staring at what caused him to sit up) Oooh, a pony! ... Wait, that's just the turnbuckle. Oh well, close enough!
Rob stands up and runs over to the turnbuckle, and then begins engaging it in what is no doubt thought-provoking conversation. Meanwhile, Bob gets up and turns right into the Humpinator (Death Penalty) from Jay.
GP : The Humpinator! This one's over now!
Jay turns his back to Bob and raises his arms in victory to the crowd. All of a sudden, Bob springs to his feet and begins shaking violently.
JT : What the hell?
GP : My God! He's jobbing up! Bob Job is jobbing up!
Jay turns and sees the sputtering Bob advancing upon him. Once he gets in reach, Jay simply reaches out and shoves Bob over with his index finger. Bob falls like a sack of bricks made out of oatmeal, which I have no idea how it would fall.
JT : Hey! Bob's laying down for Jay! It was a set-up all along!
GP : ...Actually, no that's what jobbing up does to him.
JT : Ahhhh. That doesn't even surprise me anymore.
GP : Well, Bob gave it a good go, but in the end ... well, he just sucked way too much.
JT : Indeed.
Special Guest Referee:Harold Hash
Jenna Freebish vs. Nuke
JT: Finally the final match, man this was a short card!
GP: Yes, it sure was JT. You should be used to short things by now.
JT: Fuck you Greg.
Meygon: This is the Main Event. It is a one on one match with a special guest ref. The first in the battle is a female for a change. She is the beautiful and dangerous, so she says, JENNIFER FREEBRISH!!
Freebrish's music comes on over the PA system. Jenna walks out wearing a tank top and shorts. She makes her way down to the ring and gets in. She awaits both Hash and Nuke.
Meygon: And her opponent is one of the most dangerous men in the IWO. He is the innovator of wrongness, NUKE!
Nukes music comes on. He comes out holding a chair in his hand. Midget Nuke is following him. They go down to the ring and stand outside waiting for Hash.
GP: Why does Nuke have a chair? No one has mentioned anything about this being a no DQ match.
JT: Maybe Nuke has something in store for Jenna, and doesn't care if he gets disqualified?
Meygon: And the ref for this match, he is one of the IWO's up incoming stars. He is full of pep and vinegar, it is Harold Hash!
"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse plays. Hash steps out and stand on the entranceway. He is smiling as he looks down. All of a sudden his music goes off and David, the stoner cousin of Tom Ford, appears on the Titantron.
David: Since my Uncle Tom left me in control of Hostile Takeover this night I am going to change some things around. This is still going to be a one on one match with a special ref, but it will now be a no DQ, match. Now Jenna before you get all happy and have your boyfriend or who ever he is Jeremy run down I have another thing to add. This rule is also going to be in effect. If someone comes down to interfere in this match, that person will be suspended for two weeks missing Gold and Glory. So everyone have fun tonight, I hope it will be good.
JT: Yes that is the best thing David could have done! He has made this match NO DQ! I am looking forward to this match even more!
GP: But what about Jenna's safety? That second rule he added that is against Jenna! I mean he left her down there with those two psychotic bastards, and now he made it so they can basically do what ever they feel to her! This is going to be a horrible thing for that young woman!
JT: Maybe horrible for her, but enjoyable for me!
GP: JT that is disgusting!
JT: I have to be me don't I. (JT smiles)
Hash makes it to the ring. He signs for the bell. Yes, he actually signs for the bell. He doesn't signal, he signs. *Shakes head at David's stupidity*
Jenna runs at Nuke and goes for a dropkick, but Nuke just sidesteps it. Nuke stands over her and raises the chair over his head. He goes to hit her on the back but she rolls out of the way. She gets up and deliverers a kick to the back of Nukes kneecap. Nuke falls down to one knee. Jenna then does a side kick the back of Nukes head causing him to fall to the ring mat.
JT: See look she is doing well on her own, she doesn't need anyone to come and help her. You just don't want to admit that she could win this on her own. You sexist bitch!
GP: You of all people are calling me sexist? You apparently don't know what the word means!
Jenna picks up Nuke by the neck but Nuke punches Jenna in the mid section. She steps back as Nuke gets up. Nuke pulls her by the hair and swings her to the other side of the ring. Hash just stands back and watches with a smile. Nuke walks over to her and stomps on her stomach and digs in. A smile comes over his face as she yelps for breath. He stops grinding into her and walks over to a corner where he stands waiting for her to get up.
GP: What is Nuke doing, why did he go to the corner?
JT: He is playing with her, making the bitch feel like she can do something then squash her down!
GP: And you call me sexist?
Jenna gets up and Nuke runs at her and takes her down with a shoulder tackle. Nuke gets on top of her and starts to throw punches at her face. After three punches he stops and smacks her hard. Nuke gets off her and walks to Midget Nuke. Midget Nuke hands him a kendo stick. Nuke nails her on the top of the head with the kendo stick and she falls back down. Nuke pins her, Hash walks over and picks him up.
Hash: I am not letting you win with a bitch move like that! You better do something better and hurt that bitch!
Nuke gets up and pushes Hash away.
Nuke: Fuck you, I will do what I feel like doing.
Nuke goes back to Jenna who is now at her knees. Nuke smiles as he reaches for her hair. She gives him a low blow and rolls out of the ring as he drops to his knees holding his crotch. Outside the ring she grabs a chair. Nuke follows her out and as he turns to see her she nails him right between the eyes with the chair. Jenna starts to jab Nuke in his chest with the chair. She gets up and goes to the apron but Hash grabs the back of her hair and pulls her back. He gives her a kiss on the mouth before doing reverse DDT to her.
GP: Now that is not fair at all! This is a two on one match now. I mean Hash just did that move to Jenna to give Nuke more time to abuse her.
JT: So says you, but Hash doesn't like either of these people. I am willing to believe he lays Nuke out once or twice during this match.
Nuke comes in the ring holding a chair. He goes to swing it at Jenna but Hash dropkicks it back into Nukes face. Nuke goes down and Hash starts stomping on Nuke. Jenna gets up and runs at Hash but he clotheslines her. Hash picks up Jenna and starts to do a choke hold to her as Nuke gets up. Nuke gets up and a run at Hash but Hash throws Jenna to him. Nuke deliverers a belly to belly suplex to Jenna. Nuke then gets up and goes for Hash. Nuke grabs Hash and does a powerbomb to him.
JT: See I told you, they are all fighting against each other. The way it should be.
Nuke turns around and gets nailed by a dropkick from Jenna. Jenna starts to stomp on Nuke while Hash gets to his feet. Jenna picks up Nuke and does a piledriver to him. By this time Hash gets in the ring and walks behind Jenna. He reaches around and grabs Jenna's breasts. Jenna starts to scream and low blows Hash with a donkey kick. Nuke gets back up from the dropkick and grabs Jenna from behind and does a belly to back suplex with a bridge. He gets back up and picks up Jenna. He hits the No Body Loves You (multiple knee strikes to the face.) to Jenna. Hash sits back and watches.
GP: Hash is a monster, how can he sit there and watch as Nuke does that to Jenna?
JT: Easily, if I were home I would be jerking off right now.
GP: You certainly are messed the fuck up!
Nuke picks up Jenna again and does the Burning Psychosis (underhook face first piledriver.). Hash is going up top he nails the This is a long name for a move that isn't all to impressive but i like cause I am like that, and if you don't like it you can suck on my toes till your nads fall off and smack you in the face...BWAHAHAHAHAHA, okay this is a really long name for a damn move, and it isn't all to descriptive and I know noone will ever call it that but I don't care, we are getting back to cause I am like that too, oh yeah this really isn't correct grammar. Barq's is the best Root Beer of all time. (450 leg drop ).
GP: How can you accept this? Hash and Nuke are woman-handling Jenna!
JT: And how!
Hash: Now Nuke, now you can pin her!
Nuke covers the fucked up Jenna.
Meygon: The winner Nuke!!!
Nuke gets up and turns around. Hash nails Nuke between the eyes with a steel pipe. Nuke falls to the ground bleeding from the head. Nuke goes over and licks the blood from Nukes forehead
Hash gets next to Nukes ear.
Hash: Now that I have the taste, I know what too look for on Sunday. I will be waiting for you, don't try and run or any punk shit like that.
Hash gets up and hits Nuke in the ribs with the pipe. He leaves the ring and walks up to the back.
GP: What the hell just happened? Nuke and Hash seemed to be working on a team then all of a sudden Hash nails Nuke with a pipe! What is going to happen this Sunday at Gold and Glory! We will only have to wait three days!