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Hostile Takeover
*Warning: This card may not contain rape, however, it does have vulgar language and violence. So, "watch" at your own risk.*


Schitzo Tod Tams Simon Seaman, which was ineffective, before picking up him and driving him with a vicious Reverse DDT Driver. The referee's hand hits the mat three times.



An image of AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) holding Schitzo Tod up, the belt resting on his shoulders.

"in Next Week's, Spiral Tournament..."

Nuke is shown diving off the top rope, trying to nail Harold Hash with the Silent Screams. Hash was able to hook him, northern lights into a huge big boot. Nuke resting on the outside, as an image of a silver steel chair repeatedly came in and out in a slamming fashion on Nuke's back. The picture turned grey, as Seaman stood overtop of a fallent Nuke.

*Ding, Ding, Ding*


Harold Hash catches Simon Seaman with a Stunner, as Nuke nails Tod with his own move. A slow motion saliva projectile towards the belt...

The scene SIZZLES into President Tom Ford's office backstage. Various documents are sprawled out admist on a cluttered desk. Tom Ford sits tensely, spinning in his black leather chair to comfort his anxienty over the revenue loss IWO has succumbed. Rob Kestler, who something ALWAYS finds himself in Ford's office, sits blankly in the far right corner with his legs elevated against the wall and the rest of his body supported the cold floor and a designer Corey Feldman brand pillow. The Corey Feldman pillow, of course, showcases former child star Feldman snorting heroin off former IWO "superstar" Scott Styles' penal member.

Tom Ford: *sigh* Its impossible to make ends beat in this so-called "sports entertainment firm". Look what we have here, Rob. Revenue is down, IWO's stock worth is down by 5 percent, our investors are not happy, our television deal is gone and on top of that we have a website that has crudely illustrated computer-generated images of our talent.

Rob Kestler: Moodoodle.

Tom Ford: Thanks for your input, Rob. I don't know about you but all fingers are pointing to the disgrace of a World Champion that we have leading this company into a new epoch. Ever since Schitzo Tod was crowned in the 47th reign as our World Champion, it has been a catastrophic change in the overall quality of our product.

Rob Kestler: Derp?

Tom Ford: Look at us, we have a new commissioner every week just out of pulling creative strings backstage, we have YOU on-air nearly every segment with your asinine behavior. God forbid if we give you a rubik cube to occupy yourself with last week, what do you want from the toy box this week, Rob? HUH?!

Kestler loses his balanced positioning on the wall, his legs collapse, tilting backwards, eventuating in Chad doing a backwards cartwheel into Tom's lap. Rob, trying to make up for his stupidity, trys to humor his boss by tickling the back of Ford's ear.

Rob Kestler: Tehehehe, see Henry! You are loosening up!

Ford tries to hold in his laughter..

Tom Ford: Heh..heh..okay, stop it, you big lug. Wait, did you just call me Henry?

Rob Kestler: Honest mistake, Gerald. You aren't the Model T car guy after all.

Tom sighs, not willing to play Kestler's name game.

Tom Ford: Alright, Rob. Like I was saying, we need to do something up tonight's show. I really don't have much planned, the battle royal will kill some time. Say, who are those new losers that we hired?

Rob Kestler: Some Bungle guy. I'm already looking into getting a midget to play him. He is not a good person who does not deserve to have voluptuous relations with an attractive woman.

Tom Ford: Well, I guess Bungle or Cockroach beats bringing back Capital Punishment for his exhausted 24th less than stellar return.

Rob Kestler: But at least Midget Hitler/Jamie Kosoy's sexuality was explained in the camper during that fine summer month two years ago when we invited the hookers in and Jamie was too consumed building a pillow fort
and creating a list of reasons why he is better than the entire IWO vitals...and how his web page is shinier than a freshly waxed Pinto..

Ford interrupts.

Tom Ford: Rob, what in the slightest does this have to do with current affairs in the IWO?

Rob Kestler: was good times.

Rob resigns back to the corner after finding some yarn to amuse himself with in Ford's next, Tom frantically rummidges through the mountains of papers on his desk. Rob looks as if he is going to add his two cents about IWO's state when suddenly the door slams open, smooshing Kestler into the corner. If you want this to go more animated, you can pretend that Kestler got pancaked into the wall and is now thin than a piece of a paper. Be that as it may, Schitzo Tod, the most unlikely IWO World Champion in the federation's history, enters the room with a high and mighty smirk on his face. His title, glistening in gold as it sparkles from the light's reflection, is draped half-assed acrossed his right shoulder. Tod notices that he has smited his friend in the corner and comes to his aid.


Rob Kestler: Add sprinkles onto your camel-hump stewardess and that is one fine matzvah.

Tom Ford looks up from his paper work.

Tom Ford: Huh?!

Rob Kestler: Derp.

Tod nods in agreement.

Schitzo Tod: Derp.

Tom Ford: Why are you here Tod? Don't you have a Spiral Tournament to get involved with?

Schitzo Tod: I'm just here to tell you that I love you.

Tod plants a big bear hug on his boss, gripping him tightly, Ford begins to feel uncomfortable.

Schitzo Tod: Never let go. Never go of the love.

Tom Ford: Ugh, Tod? TOD?!?!! Kindly let go your grasp on my anatomy and leave without saying a word.

Schitzo Tod: I just wanted to thank you for the spiral chest set you gave me for tonight! It's going to be fun playing it with my friends and neighbors in tournament fashion, like you so whimsically described last week!

Ford blinked.

Tom Ford: Tod... the Spiral Tournament is a five match wrestling contest where you have to go through four people to keep your world title... Now, you better get ready for it...

Schitzo Tod: ... Bernie?!?!

Tod does so, looking at his boss with a look of sorrow. Tod is obviously upset that Tom is not accepting his friendship. "Awake" by Finch plays as the camera sort of rotates around the arena to see approximatly four thousand fans in attendance, cheering for their favorite wrestlers, before the camera rested down onto the announce table, Greg Parker(GP), and JT.

JT - Holy fucking dog shit, we're live, Greg.


JT - Holy fucking cocklicking whore eating monkey balls, swallowing a thick rubber Peter North doll with life-like genitalia, black Jesus, eating french fries with a fork, landing on Reading Railroad with the boot in Monopoly, World War 69, Muslems with machine guns, big boobies a'bouncing and Anna Nicole Smith plea for millions via false marriage with an impotent old fuck...DEAR...GAWD...WE ARE LIVE!!

GP: You know, Ford's trying to LOWER the swear amount on the show. You cursing up a storm won't sell sponsors. And you know, you ARE expendable.

JT: Am not!

GP: Am too!

JT: *sigh*

Crusier Weight Title Match
High Flyer -c- vs. Tommy Kane

GP: This next match up has a chance to be a one sided match if Tommy Kane isn't prepared to face IWO legend High Flyer.

JT: This match we could break a new speed record for a match.

GP: But lets not count out Tommy Kane just yet. He may surprise us yet and who knows one of the biggest upsets in IWO history could happen tonight.

JT: Oh yes and you might actually lose your virginity one day.

GP: Umm…lets head to the ring.

Meygon: The following match up is for the Crusier weight title!

The fans start cheering.

Meygon: The rules for this match are simple. The first man to gain 2 falls is the winner. Piledrivers are banned, Low Blows and you will be disqualified, and no tossing the other person over the top rope. Any of these things done will count as one fall.

The fans start cheering again as a fight is broken up in the crowd.

Meygon: Introducing first the challenger…From Providence, RI standing 6 feet 3 inches tall and weighing 225 pounds…TOMMMMYYYY KANNNNEEEEEEEE!

"Slave to Grind by Skid Row blast over the PA system and Kane walks out from behind the curtains. Some fans boo him others don't really do anything as Kane walks down to the ring. He gets in the ring jumping over the top rope."

GP: Kane looks like he is in great shape for this match but does he have the talent to beat a legend and IWO superstar High Flyer? High Flyer has held every title there ever was to hold in the IWO. This is going to be a tuff challenge for Tommy Kane especially for this first match in the IWO.

Meygon: Next the champion…from Bethlehem, PA standing 6 feet tall and weighing 204 pounds…Your Neighborhood lunatic…HIGHHHHHH FLYERRRRRRRR!!!!

"Loco" by Coal Chamber blast over the PA system. The fans start going nuts as High Flyer steps out. He holds up the Crusier weight title then makes his way down to the ring making sure to give a few high fives to the fans. He gets in the ring and hands the title to the referee."

Ding ding ding…

GP: And this match is underway.

High Flyer and Kane lock up in the center of the ring. Kane puts High Flyer in an arm bar but High Flyer reverses and sends Kane to the ropes.

GP: You can expect a lot of action in this match.

JT: Why must you sound so gay all the time?

High Flyer hits a swinging neck breaker on Tommy Kane. He goes for a quick cover.

GP: One…no Kane kicks out.

JT: High Flyer is trying to get the first fall very quickly in this match.

High Flyer picks up Kane and sends him to the corner Kane hits hard. Flyer runs up and climbs to the top rope pounding away at Kane's face.

GP: These guys may be small but they still pack a nice punch.

JT: So do you like to suck dick?

GP: …

As Flyer hits Kane one last time Kane grabs Flyer and walks out and nails a huge power bomb and Flyer hits his head hard on the mat.

GP: You know Flyer will be feeling that one tomorrow.

JT: You can suck a golf ball through a garden hose can you?

GP: …

Kane flips over going for a pin on Flyer.

GP: One…Two…noooooo Flyer kicks out after two. It's going to take more than that to keep either one of these men down.

Kane picks Flyer up off the ground and tries to hit him with a right punch but Flyer blocks it and Flyer hits him with a right then a left then another right. Flyer ducks a clothes line attempt by Kane and slaps a sleeper hold on him.

GP: We could have the first fall coming very quickly if Kane passes out here.

JT: Do you actually think he is going to pass out?

GP: The sleeper hold could put him asleep.

JT: And you could be straight.

Kane is still standing on his feet. He is stumbling around and he finally grabs Flyers legs and picks him up piggyback style. Flyer still has the sleeper hold on him. In a last effort to break the hold Kane runs towards the ropes and he falls down and High Flyer goes flying over the top rope to the outside of the ring.

Ding ding ding.

Meygon: The winner of the first fall via Disqualification High Flyer.

High Flyer - 1
Tommy Kane - 0

GP: And we have our first fall in this match in a last effort to break the sleeper hold Kane used momentum to toss Flyer out of the ring over the top rope too bad for Tommy Kane that gets him disqualified and he loses the first fall.

JT: High Flyer still hasn't gotten up. So if he gets counted out then we are tied right?

GP: Well, lets see Flyer would have one fall and so would Tommy Kane so that would make things one to one so yes we would be tied moron.

Flyer slowly starts to move as the referee gets to 6 in his count to 10. Flyer finally makes it to his feet at 8 count then finally back in the ring just right before 10. He meets a fury of kicks from Tommy Kane.

GP: Kane looks to be very pissed at losing that first fall and he is taking it out on Flyer. But he shouldn't count himself out of this just yet he can still come back.

JT: Ummm…I counted Kane out before this match even started.

Flyer is finally able to make his way back to his feet but Kane is still there pounding away. Kane grabs Flyer and picks him up and gives him a sidewalk slam. Kane then covers Flyer up going for the pin.

GP: One…Two….Noooooooo Flyer kicks out after a 2 count and Kane is complaining about a slow count but it looked like a good count to me.

JT: Why the hell do you act like this is the main event of Ice Age when you count to three every time?

GP: …

JT: Wait don't answer its because you like to suck dick.

Kane picks up Flyer and sends him to the ropes he goes for a clothes line but Flyer ducks and he hits the other side of the ropes then comes back with a flying cross body.

GP: What a move by Flyer.

Flyer picks up Kane and sets him on the top rope. He climbs up and looks around at the crowd who is standing and going nuts. Flyer jumps and hits a huricanronna off the top rope on Kane he is hurt as well but makes it over onto to Kane for the pin.

GP: One…Two…thr…NOOOO Kane barely kicks out that was very close.

Flyer gets to his feet and picks up Kane who is dazed but doesn't seem in that bad of shape.

GP: Both these men look beat. If Flyer gets the next fall he wins if Kane can get a fall he is back in this match.

JT: No shit.

Flyer grabs Kane and is going for a DDT but no Kane reverses into a small package.

GP: One…Two…Three…yes Kane is back in this match. What a quick fall it caught Flyer off guard and he got the pin.

Flyer - 1
Tommy Kane - 1

Flyer and Kane quickly get to their feet, as Flyer comes charging. Kane sidesteps and sends Flyer back off the other side. Kane goes for a arm drag, however Flyer lands on his feet. Flyer goes for a side kick, and then locks his legs over the back of Kane's neck. Flyer then tries to flip over, but then turns his body to hook Kane for a hudaconrada. Kane however attempted to hold Flyer up, by using the corner to keep his balance. Flyer was laid prone, as Kane hooked him in a cradle piledriver, before dropping him face first on the mat.

GP: What a vicious set of moves!

Kane went overtop attempting to hook Flyer for the cover. However, Donnie Daze slide into the ring. Kane charged, but Daze side stepped and sent him flying to the outside. Flyer slowly regain himself to a standing position, but it wasn't for long, as Donnie Daze hooked Flyer from behind and dropped him with Dazed and Confused.

*Ding, ding, ding*

Meygon: The final fall is decided by Disqualification! Your winner, and STILL, Crusier Weight Champion, HIGH FLYER!

Daze looked down at Flyer, and then pointed towards the time keepers table, and the Crusier Weight Championship. He made a motion saying the belt would be his, before he left the ringside area.

GP: WAIT! I'm being informed... Daze vs. Flyer THIS WEEKEND at Mayhem! That'll be something!

The scene opensedup to Thomas Ford's executive room. Tom basked in all his glory sucking on a cigar. He relaxed back on his nice big leather chair and puts his feet up on the desk.

Ford: It's good to be me. Or I think it is.... What do you think Rob?

Ford looked over to his side, not seeing Rob there. He sighed. Musta gotten some fruit punch or something. The telephone started ringing. Annoyed, Ford puts on the speaker phone.

Ford: Yeah?

Secretary: Ummm Mr. Ford ... there appears to be a crazy man who claims you know him. He says he needs to talk to you urgently.

Ford: What's his name?

Secretary: He says his name is Eric.

Ford: Well, I don't know any Eric's. Hostile Takeover is going on, I don't have time for this shit.

Secretary: Good choice Mr. Ford. This guy seems to be a deranged man. Probably living under a dumpster for quite a while. He has a package with him and keeps yelling I want my I-W-O.

Ford: Oh dear God. It's probably a Bomb! SEND IN THE SWAT TEAM~!

Secretary: Oh my god!

The secretary started freaking out. She frantically pushed in buttons on the telephone.

Ford: AHHHHHH! Don't push buttons when you're still talking to me! That's loud!

Secretary: AHHH! SORRY!

Scene fades back into the arena.

GP: Oh dear God! Whe're all going to die! A bomb is on the way!

JT: Oh well.

Simon Seaman walked with a purpose through the halls of the arena in his purple, suede jacket and matching pants. Greeting fellow employees with a wink and a big thumbs up as he made his way past them, he stopped to check his watch.

Simon: Watch goes out of style in three, two, one...

Discarding his watch in a nearby garbage can, he continued to stroll down the hallway until he accidentally bumped into a very familiar individual. Appearing somewhat annoyed at the individual in front of him, the camera panned over to reveal the man to be none other than the new commissioner of the IWO. Simon took a minute to stare at him from head to toe, shaking his head in disapproval.

Simon: Look what we have here. It's, um, I think I know. Hold on and let me try to remember. It might take a few hours by the way because the last time I saw you was oh so long ago. Myself along with the rest of the world must've forgotten about you entirely. Your name is on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't get it. Here we go, I finally know now. Greetings AWS...whoever the hell you are at the moment. How's life treating you? Retirement home good? Lots of fish in Florida? I bet you're wondering why the Golden Girls are never in any of those videos you thoroughly enjoy, right? Come on admit it. You want to get deep down and dirty with Estelle Getty.

Contemplating the thought, AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) slightly nodded his head before responding.

AWS Commish (also known as Dicator): The name is freakin' Commish... AWS Commish (also known as Dictator), former champ. Simon Seamonkey as the former IWO world champion has a good freakin' ring to it, doesn't it?

Pretending to be shocked, Simon backpedal a few steps in apparent fright.

Simon: Oh no, I better stand back. Authority is here, so I hope I don't get in trouble with a capital 'T'. The 'T' being capitalized means that it's something serious by the way.

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) : Yeah, well, you're ... um ... stupid with a capital "STUPID." Ha! I still freakin' got it...

The commissioner's lame comeback elicits a small pop from the crowd. They sure love lameness. Seaman simply smirks and rolls his eyes. Making his way closer to the commissioner, Simon could not help but look at him.

Simon: Look at you all commissioner-like and such. I could just wrap you up, tie a pretty little bow around you and wipe the floor with your Sears catalogue material face. Although, that would be an insult to the good people at Sears. You do have a face, right?

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): You haven't changed one freakin' bit, you know that? You still like to put on hot pants and do karaoke, you're still freakin' addicted to morphine, and you still enjoy molesting jellyfish. At a time in which yours truly could fire you, Simon Seamonkey, humiliate you, and banish you to West Virginia for the rest of your life, you sure don't know how to treat an authority figure, which the voices in my head tell me I am now. So go to your room and don't come out until you're very sorry about what you freakin' did to your sister, and I mean it, little mister!

Simon: An authority figure? The only authority you have over me is none...times a million...divided by a thousand...added to two and finally substracted by one. If there's anybody I'd answer to with a name as long as yours it's the NBA's Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo and we all know he's too busy being tall at the moment. I'm definitely not answering to you instead.

Waiting for his chance to reply, the commish does so.

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): Would you stop talking? It's a very freakin' annoying habit I've noticed you have. Maybe you should take up smoking, or cordless bungee jumping. Better yet, listen for the first time in your entire freakin' life. I've tried to be reasonable with you before, but you freakin' screwed me over like a cheap Vietnamese call girl in Las Vegas. I've tried to be harsh with you, but that didn't work. I've freakin' attempted to be nice to Simon Seamonkey ... well, no I haven't, but it's the freakin' thought that counts, you ingrate!

Simon: What's your point?

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): You might not like me...

Simon: Might?

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): And I freakin' definitely still heartily dislike people who consider fish feces a food group, such as you, but I want the IWO to succeed just as much as you do and for goodness sake I'd like all that porn I've freakin' been promised as well. So what we need to do is be on the same page. Actually, better yet, we should freakin' cooperate. I don't own any books anyway.

With a blank expression on his face, Simon was in disbelief at the mere thought of AWS Commish (also known as Dictator)'s suggestion.

Simon: After all you and I have been through including the physical and mental energy I've wasted trying to get rid of you, the thousands of dollars I've spent buying new threads to kick your ass in and everything you've done to try to get the S2 world heavyweight championship, you say put that all to the waste side and just act professional?

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): Professional?! Oh, freak no! Who do I look like, the thimble from Monopoly? I'm just asking you to stop being such a freakin' poopiepants, and I won't regularly kick your posterior anymore.

Simon: Seriously, what are you trying to pull AWS Guy (also known as some person, place or thing which makes this name longer in nature)? You can't tell me what to do. When was the last time someone succeeded in telling me what to do anyway? Maybe in magical, happy, super, terrific fun land, but not here on Earth. There's only one person I obey and that's Simon Seaman and maybe Cosmopolitan once in a while depending on the articles, but that's it. Just because you were handed this job of yours doesn't make you any more special than you were before. So AWS Commish, if that is your real name, I suggest you take your whole career, your whole association with the
IWO and your supposed legacy and go home. The fact of the matter is that you were only put in this lousy position because they didn't know what to do with you.

Pointing to the commissioner to an area down the hall to the exit of the arena, Simon kept this arm still making sure he would not be misleaded.

Simon: Do you know where home is? If you have no clue, let me point you to it. You see where I'm pointing at? You know that place between Worthlesstown and Washed-upville? That's where you go.

Dropping his arm to his side, Simon walked away and addressed the man supposedly in charge of him and the rest of the vitals for the last time.

Simon: Nice seeing you again, new commish. Hopefully you will be as successful as new Coke. If you would excuse me, I've got something better to do than this so I'll be tending to that right about now.

Watching Simon as he walked down the hall, AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) took a deep breath and strolled the other way while muttering a comment to himself.

AWS Commish (also known as Dictator): That Seamonkey's such a foolish chap. Well, you know what they say : Monkey see, monkey freakin' do. I have no idea what that means, but I do know it's time for porn.

The scene returned back into Ford's office where he hid under his desk. The door barged open and a dishevled man runs through the door and slammed the door.

Ford: AHHH! Don't kill me!


Ford slowly gots up from under his desk.

Ford: Who are you?

Eric: I'm Eric man! Remember!

Ford: Huh?

Eric: You don't remember me? I can't believe this.

Eric looking all sad started walking away. The package he was carrying drops and the contents spill out. Inside are various I Want My I-W-O posters along with one really old deteriorating IML2 poster. Ford looked at the contents and started to ponder.

Ford: Wait!

Eric turned around.

Ford: You said your name was Eric?

Eric: Yeah.

The lightbulb suddenly lit on top of Ford's head.

Ford: AHH!

He jumped back and starts kicking the halogen lamp that just mysteriously went on.

Ford: I got to fix that some day.

Eric: Touche.

Ford: HOLY SHIT! ERIC! NOW I REMEMBER! What's up man?

Eric: Nothing! Ever since the IML2 was shut down I was out of a job. I've been living out of my car the past year.

Ford: ... Don't you live in a RV?

Eric: That's not important! What's important is I need a job!

Ford: You want one?

Eric: Wow, aren't we the intuitive one.


Eric: YAY!

Eric started jumping around in joy. He was joined along with Tom and the two sit down and start talking.

No. 1 Contenders to the World Tag Team Titles

Legion of Dairy(egg NOG & cHEESE) vs. Joey Sooner & Diablo vs. the Deadlier Sins(Jack Breaker & Jake Walker) vs. the Disposable Heroes(Derek Edwards & Josh Klein)
vs. vs. vs.

GP : The next match is a four-corners tag match for the number one contendership to the IWO World Tag Team titles.

JT : Pfft. More like the ... TAG Team titles.

GP : Uh, that's what I said.

JT : Man, Greg, you just can't admit that you got burned!

GP : And how exactly did you burn me?

JT : Because I, ummm, you see, the thing is, ummm, because it's like the stuff happens and, ummm - (Muttering so he can barely be heard) - I'm not good at this kind of stuff.

GP : ... JT, I think you need a time-out.

JT : Fine, but I better get nap time after this!

JT crosses his arms across his chest and sits sulkily.

GP : Well, let's get to Meygon in the ring for the introductions.

Meygon is standing in the ring, wearing chipmunks, BECAUSE SHE CAN.

Meygon : The following four-corners tag team contest is set for one fall. The team to gain the first pinfall or submission will be declared the winner and gain a shot at the tag team champions. Introducing first ... the tag team formerly known as Food and Drink in the IML3 ... weighing in at a combined weight of 333 lbs. ...accompanied by their manager, a cardboard box ... the masters of Condimensation ... they are Josh "Southtown" Klein and Derek "Fly Guy" Edwards, the DIIIISSSPPPOOOSSSAAABBBLLLEEE HHEEERRROOOOEEEESSSS!!!

"Cool Kids" by Screeching Weasel plays as the Disposable Heroes walk out from the backstage area, Derek carrying a cardboard box under one arm. They jog down to the ring as they receive a fairly mediocre reaction from the crowd, that's not really a cheer or a boo. Derek places the box at ringside before both men slide into the ring.

Meygon : And next ... the tag team formerly known as the Deadly Sins, in case some people still haven't noticed they've changed names ... weighing in at a combined weight of 466 lbs. ... accompanied by Jack Breaker's wife, Aubrey Breaker ... the masters of the Wrath ... former World and Unofficial Intercontinental Tag Team champions ... they are Jack Breaker and Jake Walker, the DEEEEAAAADDDLLLIIIEERRRR SSSSIIIINNNSSSS!!!

"Space Suit" by They Might Be Giants blasts as the Deadlier Sins make their way onto the ramp to a huge pop, with Aubrey perched on her husband's shoulders. She slides off and accompanies the team as they walk down to the ring. Both men roll in, immediately run up to the Disposable Heroes, and begin taking it to them with right hands. They simultaneously whip their opponents into the ropes on the other side, and catch them with double back body drops on the way back.

JT : Wait, I confused. People ... in the ring ... they're fighting!

GP : JT, what did we say about taking a time-out?!

JT : I think we both know my memory doesn't go back that far.

GP : It happened two minutes ago!

JT : ...Your point?

Meygon : (Ignoring the fighting in the ring) Introducing next ... the IWO's newest tag team, who already have a cult following from their work in other federations ... weighing in at a combined weight of 439 lbs. ... they would be accompanied by YoGuRt, but the match writer is ignorant of other federations and has no idea who that is, so they'll be by themselves tonight ... the masters of the Sell-Out ... they are the LLLEEEEGGGIIIOOOONNNN OOOOFFFFF DAAAAIIIIRRRRYYYYY!!!

"Sellout" by Biohazard plays as the LoD make their way out to a thunderous ovation. Well, it's just a pretty good pop, but I like saying "thunderous ovation." So there. The LoD rush the ring and attack the Deadlier Sins from behind as the Sins stomp away at the Disposable Heroes. cHEESE jumps onto Jack Breaker's back and applies a sleeperhold as egg NOG grabs Jake Walker and gives him a diving reverse DDT. Meygon continues as this goes on.

Meygon : And lastly, the somewhat odd team of-

Meygon suddenly shrieks as Jack Breaker flips cHEESE over his head to land hard on his back right in front of Meygon, barely missing colliding with her.

Meygon : Oh, screw it, they're just some stupid team that hates each other that are only a team because their usual partners are tag champs. They're Diablo and Joey Sooner!

Both men come out to "Dupa Blocuri" by B.U.G. Mafia, because it's Joey Sooner's theme song and I didn't feel like picking one from all of Diablo's theme songs. Damn kids nowadays, they think they're too good to have just one theme song. You got no respect for the rules! I'll ... I'll ... I'll shake my fist at you when you drive by too fast for a residential street! Er, that is to say, both men slide into the ring and join into the fricassee. I'm sure "carnage" would have been a better word for that situation, but I prefer "fricassee," so suck on that!

GP : I think our narrating voice is high on crack.

PCP, actually. Now shut your mouth, Parker!

GP : Can do.

Diablo dropkicks egg NOG in the back of the head as his forced partner {but not in a sexual way, you sick freak) tries to clothesline cHEESE, except that cHEESE ducks and superkicks Sooner in the face as he turns back around.

JT : Why does Sooner suck so much?

GP : I'd say because he spends more time pretending to be the head of the Mafia than actually learning to wrestle ... but that's just a guess.

Meanwhile, the Disposable Heroes and the Deadlier Sins have made their way to their feet and out to the ring apron. Diablo and cHEESE also head to their respective corners.

GP : Well, it looks like egg NOG of the Legion of Dairy and the Joey Sooner from the team of Joey Sooner and Diablo will be starting this match out.

JT : Mehhh, they both suck. Wait, is Sooner a heel?

GP : Yeah, I guess.

JT : Never mind, then. Sooner RULES!

GP : (Shaking his head) You really are pathetic.

Both men in the ring have by now made it to their feet. They go into a lock-up, and the slightly taller egg NOG gets the advantage and shoves Sooner down to the ground. He gives him an elbow drop before he has a chance to make his way to his feet. egg NOG waits for Sooner to get to his feet, then grabs him and whips him into a corner, then charges after him with a splash. Unfortunately, the corner happens to be the Disposable Heroes' corner, and Derek Edwards kicks the LoD member in the face as he charges. He then slaps Sooner on the shoulder before hopping over the top rope into the ring. He waits for egg NOG to make his way to his feet, then grabs him and takes him down quickly with the Fly Drop (3/4 Neck Drop). He hops on top for the cover.

1 ...

2 ...

egg NOG kicks out at two.

GP : Well, I guess it's still way too early in the match to get a pin over egg NOG, even if it is with a signature move.

JT : Man, all it should take to beat someone named after a Christmas drink is a stern glare, and maybe some lecturing.

Edwards pulls egg NOG to his feet and tosses him into the ropes, then goes for a clothesline on the way back, but egg NOG ducks and pulls him down into a neckbreaker. He then crawls over to his corner and tags in cHEESE. cHEESE rushes in and knees a recovering Fly Guy in the face. Edwards rolls over, clutching his face, and literally makes a blind tag to whoever is on the apron at that point, who turns out to be Jack Breaker. Jack steps in and blocks a punch by cHEESE, delivering a few rights of his own which cause cHEESE to backpedal. Breaker then boots him in the gut, and takes him up and back down with a powerbomb.

GP : Breaker's a house of fire!

JT : Get that from the Big Book o' Generic Announcer Comments?

GP : Um ... (Shameful) Yeah.

Breaker pulls cHEESE back to his feet and open-palmed chops him across the chest. CHEESE gasps and backs up against the ropes, where Breaker prepares to deliver another one, when suddenly Diablo makes a blind tag to cHEESE, then delivers a springboard dropkick to an unprepared Jack. Diablo then begins laying into Breaker with a flurry of boots to the midsection. Breaker rolls around to his stomach and starts to clamber up to his feet, but Diablo runs and viciously soccer kicks Jack in the ribs. Rolling around in pain, Breaker unintentionally rolls over to the Disposable Heroes' corner, where Josh Klein makes a tag and hops in.

GP : This match has more tags than a J.C. Penny's sale!

JT : Greg ... give me the book.

GP : (Depressed) Ohhhh, alright.

Greg reluctantly hands the Big Book o' Generic Announcer Comments over to JT.

JT : Now behave yourself or I'll take away your Become More Like JR In Your Sleep tapes.


Josh and Diablo begin going toe-to-toe with fists a-flying, but Josh quickly gains the advantage. Diablo backs off and charges for a lariat, but Klein ducks and takes him down with a drop toehold. He then grabs Diablo's arms and attempts to lock in the Southern Pain (Rings of Saturn), but Diablo squirms free, rolls over, and punches Klein square in the jaw. The referee admonishes Diablo for using a closed fist, but Diablo ignores him and begins choking Southtown by pressing his knee against Klein's throat.

GP : Diablo is quite the vicious wrestler.

JT : Of course he is. He's a heel! Heels are gods among men!

Diablo lets up and waits for Klein to get to his feet. He then begins taking it to him with right hands, backing him into Diablo/Sooner's corner. Diablo hoists Klein onto the top rope and begins to climb up after him, but gets low
blowed by Joey Sooner.

GP : Sooner just cheap shotted his own partner!

JT : Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

GP : Overreact like I always do! My God! My God! Joey Sooner is Satan incarnate!

Sooner makes the tag to Diablo by shoving him off the second rope, then climbs in himself. He climbs up after Klein and starts to set up a superplex, but Diablo makes his way over to the corner and climbs up to the second rope, grabbing Sooner around the waist. He then unleashes a second-rope German suplex, with Klein still hooked in Sooner's grasp, causing Joey to take out Klein with a superplex as he himself gets slammed with a German suplex. Diabo smirks and climbs out to the apron as if nothing happened.


JT : Um ... maybe I should just give you your book back.

After laying without moving for over thirty seconds, both men slowly start to move. Sooner crawls away in some random direction and makes the tag to Jake Walker. At the same time, Klein crawls towards his corner, but is suddenly kicked in the head by egg NOG, who then reaches down and tags Southtown. Walker and egg NOG rush each other, both clotheslining each other at the same time.

GP : Well, that was ... pointless.

As both men lay down on the ground, Derek Edwards climbs to the top of his turnbuckle. At the same time, Diablo does likewise at his corner. Edwards leaps with the Fly Guy Special (630° Splash) on Walker while Diablo flies
with a top-rope corkscrew elbow drow. Unfortunately, both targets roll out of the way, and Diablo and Edwards wind up hitting the mat and bouncing into each other.

GP : Well, that didn't turn out too well.

JT : At least not for Edwards and Diablo.

Walker and egg NOG both get to their feet, but both men are suddenly attacked from behind by Joey Sooner and Josh Klein, respectively. Klein begins throwing forearms to Walker's back as Sooner holds egg NOG by the head and begins kneeing him in the small of the back. However, both men's partners come to the rescue. Jack Breaker rushes into Josh Klein with such force that both men go tumbling through the ropes, while cHEESE rips Sooner off of egg NOG and headbutts him, sending him staggering up against the ropes, then delivers a clothesline that sends both men up and over the top rope.

GP : And now the only two men left standing are Jake Walker and egg NOG!

Walker turns around into a boot to the stomach, which egg NOG follows by setting him up for the Dairytown Hangover (Vertebreaker). Walker flips out of it as egg NOG lifts him up, though, and grabs egg NOG, putting him in position for everything's o.k. (inverted pump-handle buster). However, cHEESE slides back into the ring and chop blocks Jake's legs out from underneath him. The LoD wait for Walker to get back to his feet, getting ready for something.

GP : Here it comes!

Walker stands up and turns right into the Sell-Out (Double Rock Bottom). Jack Breaker rushes into the ring, but he gets kicked directly in the testicles by cHEESE as egg NOG covers.

1 ...

2 ...


"Sellout" by Biohazard plays as the LoD's hands are raised.

Meygon : Your winners, and number one contenders to the IWO World Tag Team titles ... cHEESE and egg NOG, the LEEEEGGGIIOOONNN OOOFF DDAAAIIIIRRRYYYY!!!

World Heavyweight Championship
Spiral Tournament
Match One.
Schitzo Tod -c- vs. Harold Hash
JT: YES! Finally, Tod can't survive these four matches. We're going to have a new champion, and it's going to be Simon Seaman!

GP: Sorry JT, but I think that Harold Hash, Schitzo Tod, Erik blake, and DEFINITLY Nuke have something to say about that.

JT: Well, Seaman'll shut them up with his action kung fu!

GP: He doesn't know Action kung fu.

JT: How do you know?!? Have you ever faced Seaman in a battle to the death? HAVE YOU MISTER GREG PARKER!?!? No, obviously not, because you're both alive.

"Date Rape" by Sublime plays over the pa system as the One Hundred and fifty seven pounds Schitzo Tod walks out from the back. It's almost like the belt adds a quarter of his body mass to his weight tonight to say the least. The thinest man in the IWO raises his hands to the crowd, and makes his way down towards the ring, knowingly stepping foot into what could be his last IWO World Heavyweight Title defense.

JT: Oh, the Cards are stacked! I can feel it Greg! Schitzo Tod will not walk out of this arena tonight with the championship!

GP: Well Duh JT, tell me something I don't know already. Tod may have wanted to prove himself, but this is a little much, even by IWO standards.

JT: Ford finally did something I agree with! I knew we'd see eye to eye eventually!

"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse hit the pa system as out from the back walked Harold Hash, carrying the North American title in his hands. He quickly made a b-line for the ring and slide in, as Tod caught him with a couple of elbows.

GP: And we have the current World Champion going after the current North American Champion Harold Hash! And Hash didn't waste any time, did he?

JT: Guess he wants to get Tod finished quick, win the title, and figure out a way to keep it.

Tod lifted Hash up off the mat and threw him off the ropes. When he returned, Tod went for a running clothesline, but Hash was able to duck underneath, hooking Tod's face with a reverse headlock and dropping him in a neckbreaker. Tod slammed down on the mat hard as Hash dove on top for the cover.


Tod got a shoulder up quick as they both got to their feet. Hash charged, as Tod side stepped and sent Hash into the corner. Tod went for Tam, but Hash was able to move out of the corner, and went for a clothesline on Tod. Tod however was able to duck underneath, and hooked Hash into a reverse full nelson, pulling Hash over into a backslide pin.


Hash used his legs to push his weight out of the pin quickly, as both men got to their feet. Hash went for a right hand, which was blocked by Tod, and followed up by an eye poke.

JT: Yay! Disqualification! New champion! Next pleast?

GP: Although the move IS illegal, have you ever seen anyone disqualified because of it?

JT: Well, no, but they did get one hell of a verbal lashing.

Hash bounced backwards, clutching at his face, as Tod went down, clipping his knee out from under him. Hash fell down to the mat quickly, as Tod was immediatly on top, grabbing Hash's clipped leg and wrapping it in a spinning toe hold.

Hash screamed in pain, and then reached up, trying to tug at Tod's shirt. Tod however used a free leg and kicked Hash's hand back down, before using that same leg to drop a leg drop onto Hash's exposed knee.

Hash cried out in pain, and desperately attempted to reach the ropes. His attempts were futial however, because he was entirely too far away from them.

GP: Tod's had the spinning toe hold, and now has a single leg lock in place. Hash is too far away from the ropes however.

JT: Thank you Mr. Interpretor!

As Tod leaned forward for additional leverage, Hash was able to use his last strength to hammer Tod with a few right hands. Tod was able to be knocked backwards, out of the hold, as Hash slowly got to his feet. He began to limp a bit, as Tod caught him square in the jaw with a dropkick. As Hash fell backwards once again, Tod looked to lock the spinning toe hold in once more, only to be kicked off by Hash with his free good leg.

Tod bounced off the nearest rope, as Hash, on his knees, caught the returning Tod with a shoulder block to the midsection. Hash then hooked Tod's head, attempting to go for his pattented stunner like manuver. Tod however was able to shove Hash off of it, backing the stumbling limping Hash into the ropes.


GP: Simon Seaman with his silver chair!

JT: WOO! Don't you feel liberated? I feel liberated.

GP: Why is Seaman doing this?

JT: Well, hmmmm, he was hit last week by Hash after the match.

GP: Could also be that Seaman wants to be the one to take Tod out...

As Hash bounced back, clutching his head, Tod caught him in the shin with his patented TAM, the Tod Annihilation Manuver. Hash flopped back and down onto the mat.



Seaman glared over towards JT.

JT: I mean, YES! GO TOD! I think... This is all so confusing.




Meygon: Your winner, and currently STILL World Heavyweight Champion, Schitzo Tod!

Tod got to his feet quickly, as Seaman attempted to climb into the ring. He was quickly drug down off of the ring canvas by security guards. He began to flair, however their numbers were just too many, as they drug him out to the back.

World Heavyweight Championship
Spiral Tournament
Match Two.
Schitzo Tod -c- vs. Erik Blake

"Fight Music" by D-12 blared over the pa system, as the fans turned their attention to the ring entrance. Erik Blake strutted out from the back, smiling to the fans as they booed in return. He quickly ran towards the ringside area, as he slide in, in an attempt to surprise Tod.

*Ding, ding, ding*

Tod was quick to be shocked, as Blake caught the recovering Tod in a reverse face lock. He was going for the highlighter, a variation of a move that Hash had just tried, but failed. And once again, it would fail as Erik Blake slammed down back first on the mat with vicious velocity. Hash was escorted out of the ring by some free security men as well as not to interfer with the match in progress.

JT: Haha, Blake failed. Like usual~!

GP: Like you could do any better.

JT: Haven't I proven myself time and time again!?!

Blake was quick to get up however, as he held his back in the process. Tod eyed him, trying to catch him with a swift side kick. Blake was ready for it, catching Tod, and then throwing him upwards and backwards, causing Tod to flip and land stomach face on the canvas.

Blake hooked the fallen Tod in a front head lock, picking him up off the mat before he dropped him down in a vicious standing tornado ddt. Tod folded up like an accordian, holding his neck in pain.

GP: Could we see a target area? Tod's not known for much injury, he's more known for being a former japanesse hardcore machine. He can take the punishment, but will he be able to take it over time and centered on a specific spot?

Blake began to stop on Tod's neck, focusing on that instead of Tod's body. Blake hooked Schitzo Tod back up from the mat, and then took him over in a front headlock slam forward. Erik then took Tod's head, and flipped forward over Tod's prone body, snapping his neck with fierce velocity. Tod lay on the mat, clutching the back of his head in pain and agony, as Blake got to his feet, still smiling. He raised his hands to the crowd in a sort of cheer fashion, but recieved only boos. He kept trying to address the fans, as Tod slowly got to his feet, and then hooked Blake from behind, lifting him and driving him into the mat with a vicious inverted ddt driver.





Meygon: Your winner of the second match, and still currently the World Champion, SCHITZO TOD!

Tod got up from the mat, holding his head in pain, as Blake got up, realizing what had just happened. He looked over to the current champion, his hand raised in victory, which caused Blake to snap. Blake grabbed Tod by the head, and dropped him in his highlighter(Diamond cutter).


JT: It doesn't matter! This is just one more simple swift motion to Seaman as Champion!

Blake stood overtop his shattered chance at glory, and with fierce pain and anger, spat in Schitzo Tod's face. He looked like he wasn't going to leave, when, suddenly, from the crowd came racing out Capital Punishment, baseball bat in his hand. Blake quickly left the ring, as Cappy followed suit.

World Heavyweight Championship
Spiral Tournament
Match Three.
Schitzo Tod -c- vs. Simon Seaman
*Ding, ding, ding*

"Relax" by Powerman 5000 blared over the pa system as the silver began to rain down from the arena ceiling. Simon Seaman quietly made his way out from the backstage, still holding that silver steel chair in his hands. He slide into the ring, realizing his championship was within his grasp, and then hooked Schitzo Tod's leg.





Schitzo Tod got his shoulder up at the last moment.


Simon Seaman looked just as insane with disbelief as JT sounded. He stood up to the mat, and with a look of sheer horror, began to stomp the ever living hell out of Schitzo Tod. He wouldn't stop, no matter when the referee attempted to pull him off. He was rageful, angry, and powerful because of it.

Seaman grabbed Tod up off the mat, and after seeing Blake's earlier attempts, he began to hammer Tod with vicious forearm shots to the back of his neck. Tod kept trying to get to his feet after each blow, but Seaman wouldn't let him, slamming him back down time and time again. When Tod used some of his last strength to land a shoulderblock into Seaman's midsection, Simon was fresh enough to hook him in a side headlock, lift him up, and slam him down with a vicious Fisherman's buster, or S2.


Seaman looked down at the fallen Tod and took him in for a few moments, before he dropped down for a quick cover.



At the last moment, Tod was able to get his shoulder up, no matter the amount of pain it thrusted him into.

And Seaman hated that.

Seaman was quick to look to capitalize however, not misdirecting his energy. He climbed up to the top rope, and looked to nail the recovering Schitzo Tod with his Silencer, a top rope flipping neckbreaker. However, as quick as he climbed the ropes, was the same amount of time it took for Harold Hash to race out from the back, throwing Seaman off the top rope and down to the canvas. As Tod gazed towards the corner, and saw Seaman down, he climbed up to the top turnbuckle, and leapt off in his ode to the Menstral Flow.

And Hash smiled as he nailed it.





Meygon: Your winner, and STILL, currently World Heavyweight Champion... SCHITZO TOD!

As Tod's hand was raised, Hash slide into the ring, and looked to catch Seaman with a stunner...

World Heavyweight Championship
Spiral Tournament
Match Four.
Schitzo Tod -c- vs. Nuke
*Ding, ding, ding*

"American Psycho" by D12 came over the pa system as Nuke quickly ran out from the back with a baseball bat in hand. He slide into the ring, and clocked Harold Hash from behind. He fell quickly to the mat, as Nuke then caught Seaman with a vicious blow to the skull. Nuke fell to the ring canvas, as Schitzo Tod slowly began to gain his footing. And with one swift blow...


Tod fell down like a ton of bricks...

*Ding, ding, ding*


GP: WHY! Why did Nuke catch Tod with the ball bat when he had him trapped like a mouse?!?

JT: I think we're going to find out!

Nuke reached over to the outside, and grabbed a microphone from the outside. He looked down at the fallen Tod, and began to scream.

Nuke: This would have been too easy Tod. As much as I love playing the cat to the scared and frighten mouse, I want just a little more fun... so... Sunday at Mayhem? We're going to tango for that Title, and I'm going to make you bleed. You only have this championship because of me, so it's MY rules. And my rules are going to be the death of you...

Nuke dropped down the microphone, as he reached over the ring apron again, grabbing the World Title. He looked down at it, and then dropped it on the fallen Schitzo Tod. He raised his hands, and then slowly began to walk out from the ring. The camera faded onto a final image of Nuke looking at the carnage that took place inside the ring.