"Date Rape" by Sublime hits, as the crowd goes NUTS. No, they don't go BANANAS, and they don't go BUCK WILD, they go NUTS. Why do they go NUTS you ask? Well, the WORLD CHAMPION, (Which is NOT Joey Malone, or Syphon Fission, or Simon Seaman, or Phelen Kell...) Schitzo Tod (Yes, that one dude who all dude-like and stuff.) makes his way down the ramp.
GP: Welcome to Takeover, and to start things out, here he comes! Who EVER would have thought that we'd see Schitzo Tod with that belt around his waist?
JT: Feh, Tod's a sellout. And he's a joke to this organization.
Tod slides in under the ropes, and the RA tosses him a Mic.
Schitzo Tod: Wow... This is a great honor for me. To be up here, doing the opening monologue for the show. It's almost like Christmas. But, there's no presents. And no Santa Clause. And now really like Christmas at all... Oh well. There's some people I'd like to thank. Without them, none of this would be possible.
He pauses, then pulls out a slip of paper.
Schitzo Tod: First, I'd like to thank the Acadamy. Next, I'd like to thank the production team. You guys r0x0r my b0x0r, yo. John Cameron, you told me this would be a winning performance, and I didn't believe you. George Clooney... You're an asshole, so you don't get a thank you. In fact, you get a SCREW YOU. WHO'S GOT THE GOLD NOW? WHO? YEAH... ME! NOT YOU! ME! Erm, thanks everyone.
Tod returned the slip of paper to his pockets.
Schitzo Tod: And although most of you people probably think I'm some big joke, I'm going to prove you all wrong. I hope you all realize that.
JT: Don't jokes have to be funny?
Schitzo Tod: I'll make you all proud, except George Clooney, because he's an ass and I don't need to prove anything to him. Well! Thank you all!
Schitzo Tod goes to exit the ring, when "Hail to the Chief" plays over the pa system. Tod stops dead in his tracks, as the fans let out a few quiet cheers for the President/CEO of the IWO, Thomas Ford. He had a microphone in his hands.
Thomas Ford: You know Tod, I'm trying my best here. I'm trying to bring the IWO up to a level that we haven't been at before, a new plato so to say, and I've got to agree with the fans here. There haven't been many times you've proved yourself as a talented athlete, let alone someone deserving of the World Championship.
The fans let out a mixed reaction, as Ford tried to calm them down. They really didn't need calming down though, so Ford continued.
Thomas Ford: But you wish to prove yourself, and that's more than comendable. And although there may be Owners out there attempting to rip the Championship off of a man like yourself, I wouldn't do that. But, I'm not going to give you a straight line to your glory Tod. You're going to have to fight, you're going to have to bleed, and most importantly of all, you're going to have to win.
And then, a light went off above Ford's head, figuratively at least. His face seemed to change into an expression of pure joy.
Thomas Ford: Ah, perfect. The scheduled Main Event as you all know, is Harold Hash versus Nuke for the Number One Contendership. Well, I've just gotten a great idea. That match later tonight will not be for the Number One Contendership.
The fans gasp, as Tod seemed to stand in the ring confused.
Thomas Ford: Oh no, it will be to determine who gets the last seed, in next week's Spiral Tournament.
GP: S-Sp... Spiral Tournament?
JT: We haven't seen one of those since last year, when Sam Potright won his first World Heavyweight Championship!
Thomas Ford: And the loser of tonight's match will be forced into the first seed. And, well, being that you're the champion, next week will be one hell of an upward climb for you. Now... as for the two other combatants, I think I'm going to have to think about it. I'll see you next week Tod.
"Hail to the Chief" starts up, as Ford waves his arms to cut the music.
Thomas Ford: This should be Tod's time...
"Date Rape" by Sublime starts back up, as Tod exits.
GP: A Spiral Tournament next week! This is amazing! Schitzo Tod will have to go through four men consecutively if he wishes to hold onto his championship! Should Tod lose to any of the men next week on Hostile Takeover, that man will have to complete the gauntlet until it's completion! So, we could see five world champions next week alone if each champion would lose!
JT: Well, Harold Hash and Nuke are put into the match, who's going to be the other one?
GP: Other one?
JT: Oh well, we all know Seaman's going to be in it. How can you not have a tournament like this without Seaman?
GP: That's actually a very astoit point JT. We'll be right back after these messages.
In front of a tall mirror in the dressing room, Simon Seaman was seen burying his face into his hands in utter disappointment from his loss at Desperate Measures. Motionless in his chair for the time being, he slowly lifted his head up and glared at himself in the mirror. From there, he picks up a piece of paper on the ground and skims it before crumpling it up and throwing it over his shoulder.
Simon: Well look what we have here. A card that doesn't include Simon Seaman. Oh, how thoughful of the Internet Wrestling Organization for doing so. You know I would applaud them, but I guess I'm just too busy sitting on my hands reacting to the fact that this is the greatest travesty since purple ketchup became available on store shelves.
He stomped his foot on the ground in frustration before retrieving the ball of paper and sitting back in his chair. Opening it up, he rolls his eyes in reaction to what he just read.
Simon: Ash Robinson? Capital Punishment? Mister "I'm having an identity crisis at the moment so I'm just switching my names back and forth to see which one won't get me booed out of the building." Donnie Daze?! For goodness sake with a cherry on top surrounded by cool whip! I'm aware that this is May sweeps, but you don't get through the month by sweeping recognizable faces from the past out from under whatever rock or rug they've been living in for the past lifetime. Is this deja vu or the millionth reunion of the Village People?
Admiring his designer leather jacket, he glances up at the mirror and then observes his surroundings.
Simon: Do you smell that? Do you seriously smell that? It's starting to smell a lot like Florida and I don't like it one bit. How come we can't get any air freshener in this place? Hello?! We need some Glade in here, damn it!
He stood up from his chair and began to pace as he continued to speak to the mirror.
Simon: If you didn't believe that the IWO could stoop so slow, believe it now. Schitzo Tod is representing this sorry company as world champion and where am I? I'm not even on the card! You want to talk about cream rising to the top. You talk about Simon Seaman because I'm sure as hell no half and half. You could say I'm more than half, maybe even three quarters.
Simon then came to a stop and stood in front of the mirror, running his fingers through his hair trying to figure out what to do next.
Simon: You want to talk about a sinking ship? With Schitzo Tod as "World Heavyweight Champion", this place is like the Titanic which has just hit an iceberg, is about to capsize, and could very well be showing a special screening of "The Beach" starring Leonardo DiCaprio. I've got to do something. I've seriously got to do something because this death wish is too deadly of a death wish that is deadly in the art of being deadly as a wish.
Dropping his hands to his side, he looks behind him at his bags and ponders for a moment before continuing.
Simon: Look at me here. I'm too good looking to go down with the rest of these individuals. The man upstairs isn't going to take me in yet and I should know because I haven't paid rent for my summer apartment in quite a long time.
Sitting back in his chair, he tries to figure out a way to save himself and the company.
Ash "Shadow" Robinson vs. Capital Punishment vs. Kyle Kash vs. Twizzy
vs. vs. vs.
GP: Next we have a four way dance with some of the new entrees to the IWO cast.
JT: Of course three of these guys can be considered IWO vetrans. They have wrestled here before.
GP: You're right about that! Twizzy seems to have his work cut out for him. Capital Punishment is a legend in the IWO, he seems to be the clear favorite in this match.
JT: I always personally liked Kash.
GP: Alright, let's get right to the action.
"Society" by Pennywise starts playing as the lights go dim and strobe lights begin flash around the arena.
Meygon: The following match is a four way elimination match! Introducing first to the ring, TWIZZY!
Twizzy runs into the ring and slides under the ropes and sits down at the corner.
Meygon: Next, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!
Capital Punishment slowly walks into the ring, looking very confident.
Meygon: ASH "SHADOW" ROBINSON!
Ash runs from backstage and clothesline Capital Punishment from behind and starts kicking him.
GP: Whoa! Ash didn't want to wait for this match to start. Here comes Kyle Kash running into the ring he starts pounding away at Twizzy.
JT: Remember folks, this is an elimination match up. There's none of that stupid one pin wins it all. We will see who actually has the most skills here.
Ash and Cappy have started the fight in the audience. Ash keens Punishment in the stomach and delivers a brutal double underhook powerbomb on Capital Punishment on the hard floor. Ash pulls on Capital Punishment's hair to pull him back to his feet and sends him right back down with a hard right hand. Robinson picks Punishment back up and kicks him hard in the stomach. Ash starts signaling for the piledriver.
GP: Ash Robinson wants to deliver pain to Capital Punishment!
JT: BREAK HIS NECK!
Capital Punishment counters by back dropping Robinson back over the guard railing.
GP: Capital Punishment escapes almost imminent pain.
JT: Look at Twizzy. He's teaching Kyle Kash a lesson in the ring over there.
Twizzy sends Kash to the ropes and delivers a cross body slam. Kash gets right back up and Twizzy knocks Kash out of the ring with a big boot to the chest. Kash slowly gets up and Twizzy quickly climbs the ropes and splashes Kash outside of the ring from the top rope.
JT: HOLY CRAP!
GP: Twizzy seems to have hurt himself a bit in that high risk maneuver, but boy it sure looked pretty.
Meanwhile, Capital Punishment and Ash are still exchanging blows on the ramp.
JT: Look at those two, this isn't a boxing match guys.
And with that cue, Capital Punishment delivers a vicious swinging neck breaker on Robinson. Twizzy and Kash have gotten back into the ring where Twizzy has just countered a Robinson powerbomb with a hurracanrana. Twizzy covers Kash, one ... two ... kickout by Kash. Capital Punishment slowly brings Robinson back towards the ring and then slams Ash's head repeatedly on the apron.
JT: Capital Punishment has gone wild! I LOVE IT!
Punishment rolls Robinson in the ring and then pulls Kash outside of the ring. Punishment with a huge right hand, ducked by Kash. Kash with a punch of his own and then a belly to belly suplex onto the floor. In the ring Twizzy continues his dominance delivering a huge northern lights suplex on Robinson, with the bridge, one ... quick kickout by Ash.
GP: This is near impossible to keep track of!
Outside of the ring Kash has set up a table. He roles Punishment into the ring and climbs up on the apron. He sets Punishment up for a vertical suplex into the table.
JT: Wood is about to break. Carnage always prevails in the IWO!
Robinson meanwhile has clotheslined Twizzy out of the ring and sees what's going on. He charges and dropkicks Punishment in the back of the head sending Kash flying off the apron through the table.
JT: I love this man! I love it!
GP: I love it when you don't speak.
JT: You know what Parker? Stop picking on me alright? I'm getting tired of it.
GP: JT, sit down and call the match. Jesus.
Twizzy and Kash are now brawling outside the ring. Kash has started dominating Twizzy, nailing him with numerous punches and kicks. Kash elbows Twizzy in the face and drop kicks him right into the steel of the turnbuckle.
JT: I have a feeling every one of these men are going to have to go to a very good chiropractor tomorrow!
In the ring Punishment and Robinson are going at it. Punishment kicks Robinson, caught by Robinson, insiguiri by Punishment!
GP: Robinson is knocked out cold! Punishment with the cover, one ... two ... three!
Meygon: Ash "Shadow" Robinson has now been eliminated!
JT: Robinson is out of here and it's now a three way dance!
GP: It's down to Twizzy, Capital Punishment, and Kyle Kash!
JT: Twizzy the newbie to the IWO has been putting on a clinic throughout this match. He seems to have the momentum going. I'm still favoring Kash though.
Capital Punishment has rolled out of the ring and joined the announcing table.
Capital Punishment: I'm taking a break.
JT: Hey, Cappy! What's up.
Capital Punishment: Shut up JT.
Twizzy and Kash are now in the ring giving it their all. Kash with a brain buster on Twizzy. Kash with the quick cover, one ..two ... kickout!
GP: Kyle Kash isn't going to waste any time now, he feels the momentum.
Kash picks Twizzy up and tosses him into the turnbuckle. Kash lifts Twizzy to the top rope ... vertical suplex off the top rope! Kash is now up and he's feeling it. He's telling the crowd to get on their feet. Twizzy slowly gets up, superkick by Kash! But Twizzy's able to catch it, and then brings Kash's leg up, and nails him with a vicious head and leg suplex/ddt manuver.
JT: Twizzy just knocked Kash out cold!
Capital Punishment: Kash is out of this.
GP: Twizzy with the cover, no contest. Kyle Kash is eliminated and it's down to Capital Punishment and Twizzy!
Meygon: Kyle Kash has now been eliminated!
JT: GO TWIZZY!
Capital Punishment and Twizzy now square off in the middle of the ring. Out of nowhere Twizzy nails Punishment with a hard right and gets a quick roll up. One ... two ... three!
GP: Twizzy has just pulled an upset win over Capital Punishment! Capital Punishment is shocked that he lost in such a fashion! Wow!
Twizzy dives out of the ring and quickly walks back up the rampway...
Cut backstage. We see Jack Breaker, wandering aimlessly down some random corridor with his wife, Aubrey. Their arms are full of kittens.
Jack: Kittens for sale! We've got kittens here!
Suddenly, Schitzo Tod walks past, face covered in Cheese-doodle residue.
Jack: Hey, Tod, you want to buy a kitten?
Tod: Why would I want to buy a kitten?
Jack: Why WOULDN'T you want to buy a kitten?
Tod: ...good point. I'll take two dozen.
Aubrey: Wow, you must really love animals!
Tod: ...that's an interesting way of putting it.
Aubrey: I'm not even gonna ask...
Tod: Then don't. Now, can I have my kittens?
Jack hands him a plastic shopping bag. We see little claws scratching at it from inside. Schitzo Tod wanders off, hell-bent on revenge or Chinese food or something.
Aubrey: Where the hell did all these kittens come from, anyway?
Jack: Well, when a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other, and they...
Aubrey: Nono, I mean how did we end up with sixty kittens?
Jack: Well, it was either this or sell them to that Mexican guy down the block, and God only knows what he'd do with sixty kittens.
The camera cuts backstage as we see none other than Donnie Daze, holding the Crusier Weight Championship in his hands, smiling while looking at his reflection. And, sure enough, the current champion High Flyer walks up, and stares at Daze's face. This causes a pop from the fans.
High Flyer: I believe that's mine Daze.
Donnie Daze: Why so?
High Flyer: Because the rules dictate that I won it last week.
Donnie Daze: Oh, the rules? Huh? Since when did you start following THEM?
High Flyer: Huh? What do you mean?
Donnie Daze: You know exactly what I mean. Coming out here thinking your high and mighty, when eight months ago you lost a retirement match. Shouldn't you be in boca or Orlando catching Rays?
High Flyer: At least I wasn't fired because I was a burden to the company.
Donnie Daze: I wasn't a burden. I was anything but. I fought for this company, just like you used to.
High Flyer: I still do.
Donnie Daze: Oh come on, if you had any actual feelings for this company, you'd have left when you said you would. Pffft, man of your word? More like just a double faced liar, like everyone else in this world.
Flyer turned away, holding his head down in shame. Daze had him.
Donnie Daze: Wonder what sort of example you're setting for Allocca...
Daze smiled, but it wouldn't last for long, as Flyer kicked him in the gut, and lifted him, before dropping him with Hypothermia(Double Underhook Neckbreaker). Flyer looked down at the fallen Daze, and picked up the belt.
High Flyer: I believe that's mine...
The camera cuts to IWO President Tom Ford's office, where Ford is busy poring over some papers. From the frustrated and semi-worried look on his face, they appear to be of a financial nature. Rob Kestler is also sitting in a chair in the room, chewing on the red side of a Rubix cube. Ford rubs his temple while slowly shaking his head back and forth.
Ford : My God, how did the IWO ever get this much in debt? It's bad enough to have to deal with the wrestlers' constant complaints and requests without having to try to pull the IWO out of the financial hole it's dug itself into. And I've had to handle all the work ever since Commissioner Steve Christ- Hey Rob, what happened to Steve, anyway?
Rob : (Not looking up) He was eaten by Santa Claus.
Ford : Um ... OK. Why are you chewing on that anyway?
Rob : Because red tastes like cherries.
Ford : I s-see.
Suddenly, Ford and Rob both look up at something behind the camera. The camera pulls back a little and two-time former IWO World champion and recently retired star AWS Man (also known as Bill) steps into view. The in-house crowd lets out a wild cheer. Ford simply sighs and scratches his head.
Ford : I thought you retired.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : That's freakin' right.
The Insane One continues standing there, not doing anything. After a few moments, Ford speaks again.
Ford : So ... what are you doing in my office?
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : What are YOU doing in MY freakin' office?
Ford : This is my office.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : ...Well met.
Ford : So why are you here?!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Funny you asked. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- freakin'- HAHAHAHA! Good times... Actually, that wasn't very funny at all, and was quite derogatory towards handicapped people. You should be freakin' ashamed of yourself, Ford. But I'll forgive your sick sense of humor. I'm here to get some freakin' porn tapes I accidentally left at Desperate Measures.
Ford : Um ... AWS Man (also known as Bill), that was in a different arena. They're still there.
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) stands there confused, before Ford goes on.
Ford : They're still at the arena Desperate Measures took place at... I could probably give them a cal-
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Freakin' what?! I figured they'd be like the APA office, which magically traveled from arena to arena, apparently even when it was trashed and nobody was there to bring it because the APA had already broken up.
Ford : Well, they're not. Right, Rob?
Rob : Moodoodle.
Ford : I guess that's a 'yes.'
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : No, it was a freakin' 'moodoodle.' I think you need to get your hearing checked, Teach.
Ford : I'm not a teacher! Now look, your tapes aren't here, so...
Suddenly an idea seems to pop into Ford's head.
Ford : Hey AWS Man (also known as Bill) ... you like the IWO, right?
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Yeah, the freakin' IWO's pretty good, I guess...
Ford : And you want it to do good and not have to close, right?
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Mmmmm ... yeah, that'd be freakin' good.
Ford : And you enjoy pornography, right?
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : YES! FREAKIN' YES! GIVE ME PORN NOWWWW!!! ... That is to say, freakin' indeed.
Ford : Great, then it's settled. You're the new IWO Commissioner.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : You mean I can finally order the military to nuke freakin' South Carolina?!
Ford : Um ... no, I think you're thinking about the President of the United States.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : But the IWO Commissioners only like two hundred Monopoly dollars below that, right?
Ford : Errrr ... Rob?
Rob : Two hundred and fifteen, to be exact.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Freakin' sweet! I feel another spontaneous name change coming on. From this moment on I am ... AWS Commish (also known as Dictator)!!
Ford : Yeah, that's great. All you'll have to do is handle all the little insignificant details of keeping the wrestlers happy - (Muttering) - so I can focus on keeping the IWO from bankruptcy.
AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) : And when do I get to nuke South freakin' Carolina?
Ford : Uhmmm, Rob?
Rob : Two happy months!
AWS Commish (also known as Dictator) : Consider it freakin' done!
The camera fades to commercial.
Cut backstage. We see Jack Breaker again, furiously engaged in a discussion with High Flyer.
Jack: No, I asked you first. You wanna buy a kitten?
Flyer: Do YOU want to buy some snow?
Jack: Are you gonna buy a kitten?
Flyer: Depends. Are you gonna buy some snow?
Jack: Only if you buy some kittens.
Flyer: Well, too bad! I'm not selling my snow to the likes of you!
Jack: Yes you are.
Flyer: No, I'm not.
Jack: Yes you are.
Flyer: No, I'm not.
Jack: Yes you are.
Flyer: No, I'm not.
Jack: Yes you are.
Flyer: No, I'm not.
Jack: No, I'm not.
Flyer: Yes, you are!
Jack: Well, I'm glad you've changed your mind. I'll take sixteen boxes.
Flyer: Dammit! Uhm... then I'll take nine kittens.
Jack: Exxxcellent. Have a nice day, sir.
Flyer: I hope you die.
Flyer storms off.
Jack: [To Aubrey] That went well, don't you think? How many kittens do we have left?
Aubrey: Uh... four.
Jack: Let's go sell them to Jeff King.
Aubrey: Jeff King hasn't been employed by this company for, like, a year.
Jack: That's exactly what they want you to think.
Aubrey: Who's they?
Jack: That bastard lepruchaun.. he's gonna steal my Lucky Charms, you know.
Jack: You don't believe me?
Aubrey: Nono, of course I believe you.
Jack: Oh, thank God. For a moment there I thought you were being sarca... oh, thanks a freakin' lot!
Legion of Dairy(cHEESE & egg NOG) vs. Those Damned Mexicans(Diablo & Edguardo)
GP: Well, up next, Those Damned Mexicans take on the Legion of Dairy... this
is the Legion's IWO debut...
JT: Wait, dairy... you mean, like meat and carrots?
GP: No, no. Like milk, and cheese, and butter...
JT: So... potatos? Tuna? Mustard?
GP: No! Cream! Butter! Stuff like that!
JT: Damn you and your cursed food pyramid!
"Sellout" by Biohazard cuts in abruptly as Meygon takes up the mic.
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring first, making their IWO debut, from Dairytown, West Virginia, the team of cHEESE and egg NOG, the Legion of Dairy!
"Sellout" continues to blast as the Legion steps out onto the stage and acknowlege their rather large cult following. A few fans hold up signs, which are promptly confiscated to be burned for firewood in Tom Ford's office. Cause, you know, he can't afford real firewood. Tee hee!
Anyway, the LoD slide into the ring and pose on the turnbuckles as they await their opponents.
Meygon: And the challengers, from Tijuana, Mexico, the team of Diablo and one half of the current tag team champions Edguardo, Those Damned Mexicans!
"Johnny" by System of a Down hits as TDM step out to tremendously negative reactions by the crowd. They take it in stride and taunt the fans as they approach the ring and slide in. LoD takes them by surprise with boots to the back. cHEESE kicks Edguardo out of the ring and climbs out after him, leaving egg NOG to take care of Diablo. He lifts him to his feet and starts off with a few quick chops. Diablo staggers backward, and egg NOG takes him to the mat with a quick karate kick to the jaw. Diablo goes down, and quickly bounces back up, just as egg NOG charges with a short clothesline. Diablo ducks under his arm, spins around behing him, and hooks into a falling neckbreaker.
GP: Falling neckbreaker.
JT: Yeah, I just SAW IT!
GP: Well, I'm just sayin'.
Diablo brings egg NOG up and snaps in a front facelock. He pulls back in a DDT, but egg NOG rolls through and cradles.
GP: Kickout at one! Not even close.
egg NOG brings Diablo up. He locks in a facelock, but Diablo fights out of it and lifts a knee to NOG's gut. egg NOG doubles over, and Diablo puts him in a standing headscissors position. He locks his hands around egg NOG's body and lifts into powerbomb position. egg NOG drives an elbow hard into Diablo's head and he stumbles, but manages to bring him down in like an impromptu Sky High. egg NOG's head bounces back and hits the mat hard. Diablo stays on top for the cover.
GP: egg NOG kicks out! How the hell did he kick out of that? What the hell!?
Diablo brings egg NOG back up, and leans back for a straight punch. In his hesitation, egg NOG ducks underneath his arm and dives for cHEESE's outstretched hand. The tag is made, and the Legion charge Diablo. Double toe kicks, facelock, double suplex into the turnbuckle. Diablo slumps down and cHEESE rushes over and locks in a Tarantula. The ref goes to count him out... one... two... three... four... cHEESE breaks the hold. Diablo hits the mat and sits up, clutching his ribs. cHEESE lifts him up, spirals, inverted backbreaker. Diablo's in pain, and cHEESE covers.
GP: No! Diablo's reaching for everything he's got left, and gets the shoulder up!
JT: ..God, I hate you.
Diablo's on his feet, tag made to Edguardo. Diablo returns to the apron, and Edguardo charges with a clothesline. He connects with cHEESE's neck and he collapses on the mat. Edguardo goes up top, times his jump, and launches off the turnbuckle with a flying headbutt. cHEESE rolls away, and Edguardo tastes the mat. cHEESE rolls him up.
Edguardo reverses the rollup with a rollup of his own.
cHEESE struggles out. He lies on the mat for a second, catching his breath, and Edguardo tags in Diablo. They pull cHEESE him up, prop him up on the ropes, take a step back, and... Edguardo launches into a Spick Kick, while Diablo goes for the Border Kick.
GP: TDM have the Juan and Carlos tribute mo... wait! egg NOG pulls his partner out of the ring! The two Mexicans collide! They're down and out!
cHEESE dives in and covers.
GP: Not yet! Kickout... barely, but a kickout!
The Mexicans get to their feet as cHEESE tries a dropkick on the both of them. They each catch a leg, and smile at each other as...
GP: OH! Wishbone Split! And not the loveable talking dog, Wishbone, I might add!
JT: cHEESE is hurting in his special place! Oh, I'd hate for that to be my special place!
Edguardo rolls out to the apron. Diablo, still holding onto cHEESE's leg, twists and locks in a stepover toehold.
GP: There's no way cHEESE can withstand that, after that assault on his...
ahem... special area!
cHEESE writhes in pain on the mat. Suddenly, egg NOG appears from behind, flips over the top rope, and delivers a strong kick to Diablo's head, forcing him to break the hold. egg NOG hops the ropes again and awaits cHEESE's tag, which he recieves and slides in once more. They hook him, lift him up, aaandd...
GP: Dairytown Death DROP! THIS ONE'S OVER! COVER BY EGG NOG!
*DING DING DING*
Meygon: Here are your winners, the Legion of Dairy!
"Sellout" hits again and the LoD make their way backstage to a tremendous pop.
Schitzo Tod is in the back, talking with Rob Kestler. He seems to be in a nice office, as Rob is still playing with his rubix cube.
Rob Kestler: Man, that title has really gone downhill.
Schitzo Tod: I know, the World Champion is a moron.
Rob Kestler: Derp? Tod, you're the World Champion.
Schitzo Tod: I know. And again, the World Champion is a moron.
Bernie (The World Heavyweight Championship): ...
Schitzo Tod: Right on, Bernie-mac! I hear you. Damn them crackers.
Tom Ford looks up from his desk.
Tom Ford: *sigh* Tod... Outside of public eye, you can call the World Title whatever you want to call it. But here, I want you to set an example for the rest of our vitals, and show our fans that you are a decent champion. Understand?
The camera pans over to Tod, who is being taught how to cross-stich by Rob Kestler.
Tom Ford: TOD!
Bernie (The World Heavyweight Championship): ...
Schitzo Tod: Hehe, yeah.
Rob Kestler: Hehe? Teehee!
Tom Ford shakes his head, and then gets up from his desk, looking over towards Tod.
Tom Ford: Wait a second, what are you doing in my office anyway!?!
Schitzo Tod: Uhmmm, I'unno.
Tom Ford: Well GIT~!
Ford grabs a broom from the corner of his office and makes a sweeping motion over towards Tod. He immediatly gets up, with the World title in his hands, and runs off.
Kestler then holds up the rubix cube.
Rob: HEY! We almost had this solved!
Tom Ford shakes his head, as the scene fades.
Up and thinking, Simon Seaman looked at himself in the mirror and continued to try to find a way to do something about what was sure to be the end of the IWO.
Simon: You know who started all this? The perpetrator of this whole domino effect in oblivion is none other than that guy Nuke. How could it not be? Not only would I still be the champion if he didn't screw up my match against AWS Man which his "Hooked on Phonics" tactics of fun, but he is the man behind all these disasters. You bet I can see clearly now because the rain is surely gone.
More memories are recalled by Simon as he proceeds.
Simon: He drove out all those IWO "superstars" when we needed them most, didn't he? Ooh look at me, I'm Nuke and I'm special because I only have one word for a name. Plus, he took that Unified title that was going to be named the Simon Seaman championship as well. This is what Nuke does...whenever something relatively good happens to myself or to the Internet Wrestling Organization, he uses his fugly powers to bring it back down to crappiness where the only sets we use are ones made up of food stamps, loafs of bread, and wrestler's contracts. I simply can't believe him and he's not even a butter substitute.
Gathering his bags and throwing them over his shoulder, he makes his way over to the dressing room door, but not before addressing the mirror one last time. Pointing to it, he made one last statement before exiting.
Simon: I bet he's behind crystal Pepsi, Kriss Kross, and Pauly Shore too. You just watch because I'm going to do something. Something big...but for now, I've got to go somewhere.
Shutting off the lights, he slammed the door behind him and left the room.
GP: Where is he going? What is he going to do?
JT: You've got eighteen questions left...use them wisely. What do you think this is? "I Can Ask as Many Questions I Want Since I'm Mister Question Asker Person?". You make me sick like diarrhea on a warm summer's day.
GP: What?!? What are you on these days?
Fade out and cut once more backstage. We see Jack Breaker, talking to a kitten.
Jack: Hello, Mr. Kitten. How are you today? Oh, I'm fine as always... what's that you say? I have a match with the Disposable Something-or-Others? Well, what the hell am I doing here, then? I'll see you later, Mr. Kitten.
Jack storms off.
Deadlier Sins(Jack Breaker & Jake Walker) vs. Disposable Heroes(Derek Edwards & Josh Klein)
GP: Well, it was rather odd. During the break, the Disposable Heroes came out and said "We don't wanna fight, we wanna dance." And then they danced in the ring until Ford forced security guards to take them out of the ring.
JT: So, no tag team match?
GP: I guess the Deadlier Sins win by default.
JT: Uhmmm, yay?
The camera returns backstage, as we see Jack Breaker, High Flyer, Thomas Ford and Schitzo Tod sitting around a card table. Rob Kestler, Kate Young, and Aubrey Breaker stand off to the side.
High Flyer: Who's idea was this anyway? Snow is a much better form of currency...
Jack Breaker: Ante up boys!
Breaker pulls out a kitten and lays it on the table. Tod does so as well, as Flyer looks on confused.
High Flyer: Wait, I remember this... *Flyer thought to himself* Jack, you better not have X-Ray vision!
Jack Breaker: Maybe that robotic radioactive spider last week bit me! Maybe I have super-powers!
Thomas Ford: Now that's just stupid Jack... and wait, we're playing for kittens? What the hell sort of people are you!
Jack Breaker: What, don't have any currency? I could spot you one and then this guy dressed like a shark can come to collect and try to beat you up after you lose your memory, followed by night after night of passionate sex with Rob Kestler...
Rob Kestler: *Scared* Derp?!?!
Jack Breaker: And then you can break up with him because you're just using him and get shot by evil Nerds from the planet Gamblor.
Rob Kestler: *hurt* Moo... *Sniffle*
High Flyer: Jack, that's not a planet. That's an evil overlord that Homer blamed Marge's gambling addiction to when Springfield got a casino.
Jack Breaker: Oh right...
High Flyer: And you just explained the plot of the current Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer up until last tuesday's Seeing Red!
Jack Breaker: So?
High Flyer: SO?!?! Sarah Michelle Gellar is sooo fine...
Jack Breaker: Not to meantion Alyson Hannigan!
High Flyer: And what about the girl who played Faith, Eliza Dushka...
The camera pans over to the side, to see two angry women standing there. Jack and Flyer look over at their respected wives, and then abruptly stop. In the midst of the ackward Silence, Tod cries out in pain. Tod then takes a glance over to Ford.
Thomas Ford: Hey Tod, don't you have somewhere to be?
Schitzo Tod: YOU KICKED ME!
Thomas Ford: Tod! Don't you have somewhere else to go?
Schitzo Tod: Uhmmm... Noooo.... What the hell are you talking about?
Ford kicks Tod again.
Schitzo Tod: OWWWW!
Thomas Ford: TOD~! Are you sure?
Schitzo Tod: Freakin' A dude. Fine, I'll leave the card game. You don't have to kick me.
Tod gets up from the table, leaving his kittens to roam free. Ford just sits there, shaking his head.
Thomas Ford: I really need a sane hobby...
Rob Kestler: Moodoodle?
Kestler steps forward, holding up a chewed up rubix cube. He tries to hand it to Ford, who gets up out of his seat and backs away.
Thomas Ford: I said a sane hobby.
Ford and Kestler leave, as the camera fades away.
Harold Hash vs. Nuke
GP: Woo! Main Event time, yo.
JT: Yo? I think whatever I was smoking earlier, you took in too much second hand smoke.
"Date Rape" by Sublime starts up, as the crowd goes wild. Schitzo Tod, along with Bernie (The World Heavyweight Championship Belt), makes his way down the entrance ramp.
JT: What the hell is he doing here?
GP: Hell if I know.
Tod comes down to the announcers table, and pulls up a chair.
JT: SCHITZO TOD! NICE TO SEE YOU!
GP: But, I thought you didn't like Tod...
Schitzo Tod: Hey hey.
GP: So Tod, what are you doing out here?
Schitzo Tod: Well, I wanted to "scope out my competition." Since I'm World Champion and all. I've been told that I have to bbe more into things.
JT: Told by who? Parker's mom?
Schitzo Tod: Bernie.
GP: Bernie? *looks at the World Title* Oh... Right.
Schitzo Tod: Yeah, Bernie hates feeling like a slut. I mean, he goes to one champion after the other. So he told me I have to be more into things, so he won't have to feel like a cheap whore anymore. Like I said, he hates being looked at like Parker's mom.
JT: Haha, Parker.
GP: My mother is a respectable member of the opposite gender... *Sigh* This match is for number one contendorship to the World Title. Let's take it up to Meygon.
Meygon: Introducing first, hailing from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing in at 235 pounds... He's the North American Champion... HAROLD... HASH!
Harold Hash's music starts up, as he walks down the ring. People are cheering for him. But not as much as they cheered for Tod, because Tod is the world champion, damnit!
Meygon: Next, coming all the way from Queens, New York, A man who needs no introduction, but he's getting one anyway because that's how I feed all the kids that Titan's forced me to raise by myself. Weighing in at 243 pounds... NUKE!
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls starts up as the crowds starts to boo. Why do they boo? Well, Nuke's all GWAR and stuff. He's GWAR in the sense that he's a sadist bastard who hurts people. Now, poeple WOULD be clapping if midget Nuke came out with Nuke, beacause people love midgets, but he didn't, so people boo.
GP: Here comes Nuke!
JT: Yeah, woo. People can see it on TV.
GP: But if we don't commentate, we're out of jobs.
Schitzo Tod: Actually, I love the commentary. Sure, you can just watch it on TV... But what about PPV's? I mean, I'm cheap bastard as it is. I'm not going to shell out thirty bucks for a PPV... But when you guys commentate, I can just watch the fuzz and listen.
Tod turns toward a camera who's situated in front of him. Tod then begins to speak in a low whipser.
Schitzo Tod: *Whisper* Note-Some of might not get that joke... Just laugh, and pretend you did.
JT: We can HEAR you Tod...
*Ding, ding, ding*
Nuke quickly took on the offensive, clotheslining Harold Hash to the mat. Nuke followed up by picking Hash off the canvas, and attempting to whip him off the ropes. When he came back, Nuke caught him with a back elbow, sending Hash down to the canvas. Nuke then droped a quick leg drop and went for a cover.
Hash kicked up early.
Schitzo Tod: Hash with a Kickup! Wow! I'm shocked!
JT: We're fifteen seconds into the match Tod.
Schitzo Tod: I guess Hash has more fight in him than I thought~!
GP: Tod, Hash is the North American Champion. He's a valient fighter.
Schitzo Tod: I know, I just thought these matches only lasted ten seconds Tops!
GP and JT just stared at one another, as Hash was able to fight off Nuke, sending him towards the corner. Hash charged in with a clothesline, body pressing Nuke in the corner. Hash stood in the center of the ring, and taunted at Nuke, but Nuke charged and Hash indian arm drug Nuke over. Hash kept the arm hooked, before dropping a leg onto Nuke's shoulder, and then locking in an arm lock.
GP: Nuke is in a painful arm lock, and he's not screaming.
Schitzo Tod: JUST TAP OUT BAINKY!
JT & GP: Huh?
Nuke caught Hash in the eye with an eye gouge, as they both got to their feet. Hash charged, as Nuke laid his shoulder down, and picked Hash up with him. Hash was then strung up on the top rope with a vicious stun gun, as he bounced around the ring, hazed and clutching his wind pipe. When he turned around, Nuke hooked Hash by the head and dropped him with Paranoia(Implant DDT).
GP: Paranoia! And Hash has become paranoid!
JT: He has? I hope he doesn't yell at me for stealing his stash.
GP: Hash has a stash?
JT: Well, Hash, come on, he HAS to.
Schitzo Tod: I have a stash of porn.
Hash laid face up as Nuke hooked the leg for the cover.
Hash was able to get his shoulder up, as Nuke slammed the mat with impatience. He then picked the dazed Hash up, and began to lay into him with multiple knee strikes to the face, or the Nobody Loves You Manuver.
When that was done, Hash collapsed on the mat, and Nuke tried again.
Hash was able to hook the bottom rope, falling very closely next to it at the moment.
GP: Damn! Hash coming up lucky here, as Nuke is trying to regain his senses.
JT: Not his senses, his footing! He's up top!
Schitzo Tod: NO! NOT THE SUPER COM-CA-MAYO MOVE!
GP: What the ...?
Nuke dove off, trying to nail the Silent Scream on the recovering Hash. Hash however, was able to keep Nuke up in the position he was, and pulled him over in a nice northern lights suplex, with a release. Hash got to his feet as he awaited the recovering Nuke. He then charged and caught Nuke with a vicious front boot, sending him out of the ring and to the outside.
Schitzo Tod: COME ON BAINKY! GET UP!
Nuke took a look of angst over towards Tod, before he was blindsided with a chair shot....
A silver chair...
From Simon Seaman.
Seaman was quick to walk over to the announce table, and push Schitzo Tod off. He grabbed onto his headset that he "left" behind.
Simon Seaman: *yelling* When I win the title next week on the Spiral Tournament from that fraud of a champion, I'm going to beat you to a pulp when I defend it against you.
JT: SEAMAN~! I LOVE YOU!
Simon Seaman: Cram it JT.
*Ding, ding, ding*
GP: Wait, inside the ring, the referee is calling for the bell! Nuke... won by Disqualification I'm guessin!
Simon Seaman: I'd say so. Sorry about that Hash. Just personal vendettas there.
Seaman threw Nuke into the ring, as he quickly climbed up to the top rope. As Nuke turned around, Seaman leapt off and caught him with the Silencer. Seaman looked down at the fallen Nuke as he returned, and turned to exit the ring.
GP: SEAMAN MAKING A STATEMENT!
Schitzo Tod grabed a microphone on the outside, as Hash grabed Seaman on the shoulder before he left. Seaman turned around, as Hash kicked him in the crotch, and dropped him into a Stunner, a modified Diamond Dust.
GP: MODIFIED "To make Tom, that evil mastermind genuis, happy I split up my finisher and making this the set up...I hope you are happy Tom, you're all happy aren't you? you doing a dance of joy about it, you think just cause your president you can make me do what ever you want me to do! You evil bastard you!" to Simon Seaman!
JT: NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
GP: I guess Hash didn't like being the one punished in this match. He'll be the first person to face Tod next week for the World Championship!
Hash left the ring, as Nuke slowly regained himself. Seaman is pulled out as well, as the ref holds up Nuke's hand in victory.
Schitzo Tod: BAINKY WON! YEAH, BAINKY WON!
Nuke turns toward the announcing table.
Nuke: What did you just call me?
Schitzo Tod: Erm, Bainky?
Nuke: ...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. And I'm going to ask you again... What did you call me?
Schitzo Tod: Bainky.
Nuke: I couldn't hear you, come over to me and say it.
Schitzo Tod slides under the rope, and walks over to Nuke.
Nuke: Now, what did you call me?
Schitzo Tod: Bainky... Remember? Your old name?
Nuke starts to twitch.
Nuke: Yeah... I remember...
Nuke punches Tod, then grabs his head, and kicks him in the shin.
GP: MY GOD! HE JUST USE TOD'S OWN MOVE AGAINST HIM!
Tod bends over in agony, and Nuke uses that opportunity to nail an implant DDT, or paranoia, on him.
Nuke: Never call me that again...
"Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls starts up again, as Nuke grabs Tod's title, spits on it, then throws it back down on Tod.
GP: MY GOD! FANS, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!
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