Hostile Takeover 4/26/02
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) & Schitzo Tod vs. Simon Seaman & Nuke
North American Title Match
Harold Hash -c- vs. Erik Blake
World Tag Team Championship
Edguardo & Mikey Capitali -c- vs. the Deadlier Sins
"Fortune and Fame" by K.G.B.
"When you beat the crap out of that guy with the weird anagrams, I want a title shot."
"I keep the title, you get to maul people..."
"Freakin' fine! Just don't hurt Pen!"
Seaman motions to the back, as Nuke races out with a chair and a ball bat. Nuke is shown nailing the referee with the baseball bat, before cracking the fallen AWS Ninja(Also Known as Grasshopper) with the bat.
Then... the blow that rocked Broken Hearts, Broken Bones four... Nuke nailed Seaman in the forehead with the ball bat.
AWS Ninja(Also Known as Grasshopper) is shown nailing Drop You on Your Freakin' Face afterwards, as his hand is raised in victory. It's Nuke/AWS Ninja(Also Known as Grasshopper) at Desperate Measures... without Seaman in the mix...
Outside of the arena, a silver limousine emerged from the corner to come to a screeching halt just a few metres away from the camera situated in the parking lot. With the IWO logo plastered on the license plates and all around the body of the vehicle, a few moments pass by as the driver walks out of the limousine, later opening the passenger door. After what seemed to be an eternity, the passenger showed his face. The mere sight of the man drew one of the largest chorus of boos that was ever heard. For this was no ordinary man who was making his presence felt; this was Simon Seaman. There he stood, decked out in "ordinary" looking attire. In his blue jeans and jean jacket, he glared at the limo driver with a blank stare on his face and closed his own door, strolling over to the arena.
GP: Well look who's here. The FORMER IWO champ has arrived.
JT: What is this "former" business about?! He was robbed. It's Sale and Pelletier all over again, this time in the Internet Wrestling Organization. You know how much of a travesty that was!
Forgetting to get his equipment, he walked back and then tapped the driver on the shoulder.
Simon: Excuse me.
Politely motioning to the driver to move, Simon grabbed his luggage from the inside of the vehicle and began to make his way to the arena.
GP: What's up with him tonight? Where's the whining and complaining? Where's the leather and flashy colours? Most importantly, where is Simon Seaman?
JT: Would you just stop asking questions for once in your life? Here we are, just how everyone wanted it. Simon isn't the champ anymore and instead, like how all of you WANTED, the title is on a guy named AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper). You asked for it, you got it. Now prepare for what is sure to be the end of the Internet Wrestling Organization. Thank you, thank you oh so much.
And with that, the camera's fade from the parking lot scene to a black screen, before we see the words IWO-Online fade three times, a heartbeat sounding each time. Finally, a stroke of lightning hammers down, erupting the words in flames, before they're burnt down to ash quickly. The blackness fades to the bright lit arena, somewhat cramped, but a bunch of the loyal IWO fans crame it nicely. They hold up their signs, most over the guardrail close to the ring, before the camera focuses on the announce team, Greg Parker and JT.
GP : We've got an explosive card lined up for you tonight, folks, with what looks to be one hell of a main event. Our newly crowned World champion AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper) is going to be teaming up with his former Team Tampax buddy Schitzo Tod to take on the duo of Nuke and Simon Seaman. What I'm wondering is how Nuke and Seaman are going to coexist after the occurrences of Broken Hearts, Broken Bones 4.
JT : I'll tell you how they'll coexist : they won't! Nuke is gonna be a dead man after what he did. HE COST SEAMAN THE WORLD TITLE! How could he do that?!! Nuke is the ultimate embodiment of evil, only much, much more evil!
GP : ...If he's the ultimate embodiment of evil, how is he-
Suddenly, Greg Parker's question is cut off with pruning shears. Wait, that's not right. I mean, he's cut off when the Bloodhound Gang's musical opus "Three Point One Four" begins blaring out of the arena's loudspeakers. The fans rise to their feet, cheering wildly to greet the IWO World champion. AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper), World title wrapped around his waist, proudly strides out from the backstage area. Oddly, he is dressed in his old outfit, before his name and slight gimmick change. He gazes around at the screaming fans before continuing down the ramp. Upon reaching the ring, he rolls into the ring and marches over to the center of the ring.
GP : Well, I don't know what to make of this. Our World champion has just made an unexpected appearance, and for some reason he's attired in his old AWS Man (also known as Bill) costume. Also conspicuous by his absence is his best inanimate friend, the spatula Pen.
JT : Oh, would you stop acting like anyone cares about this loser? The only reason he even won the belt - nay, the only reason he was even BORN - is because Seaman let him.
GP : Seaman ... let him ... get born?
JT : Well, obviously. How do you think he's standing there?!
AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper) motions for a microphone, which he is promptly tossed. As usual, he blankly stands there and gets hit in the head by the mic. Rubbing his head, he reaches down and picks the microphone back up, raising it to his mask.
AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper) : Well, first of all, I'd like to freakin' congratulate the announcer's table on winning the World title at the PPV ... Wait, you mean it wasn't the announce table? Then I guess it must
have freakin' been Bob Dole.
This gets a confused reaction from the crowd.
AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper) : ...Freak, I can never get the hang of copying Seamonkey's stupid catchphrase. Oh well, it doesn't matter, I beat him and freakin' now he's all sad.
This gets a pop from the crowd. The Really Really Cool One pauses and lets it die down.
AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper) : You all might be wondering why I've changed costumes freakin' tonight. Well, I've decided to abandon the whole ninja thing and go back to being good ol' AWS Man (also known as Bill), the Insane One. It was just too much crime-fighting, and not enough porn-watching. Sure, I liked being a master in the freakin' porn disciplines, but with great power comes great responsibility, and that sure as freak doesn't sound like me. Plus, I- I wanted to go out ... the way I freakin' came in...
AWS Man (also known as Bill) pauses for a moment, seeming to choke on his words, leaving the crowd in a confused silence.
GP : Go out the way he came in? What's he talking about, JT?
JT : I don't know, he's probably confused and doesn't remember where he is.
The Insane One seems to regain control over himself, and begins pacing around the ring as he talks.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Has it only been almost two freakin' years since I came here? It seems so much more like two and one-eighth. We sure have had some good freakin' times, huh? Like the time the Fonz said
"Heyyyyyyy!" Or the time George got in a fight with the Bubble Boy. Yep, a lot of special IWO memories. Since I walked through the IWO doors almost two years ago and got yelled at for breaking the door glass, I've had my freakin' high points, and I've had my lows, and you fans have been there for it freakin' all. It's like that song by Creed : "We've seen our share of ups and downs/Blah blah freakin' blah/Something about po-orrn?" You know, that's a pretty freakin' good song.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) pauses again, leaving the crowd wondering over the meaning of his words. He resumes talking much more quickly this time.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Wow, this is harder than I freakin' thought. You see, I come before you all today to announce ... that I am retiring from professional wrestling.
The crowd gasps, stunned. AWS Man (also known as Bill) shakes his head a little as if to clear it, and then resumes pacing. After several more moments he is able to talk.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : ...You know, beating Seamonkey for this title - (Gestures to the World title belt around his waist) - at Broken Hearts Broken Bones was probably the freakin' high point of my career. I thought
nothing could ruin that high ... I was wrong. When I went home that freakin' night, I was in the middle of taking a nice long bath, when I ... I felt a lump. I went to the doctor the next day, and after he examined me and gave me the test, he informed me that I- I ... I have freakin' breast cancer!
The crowd gasps again, then looks confused, then makes a kind of "Juh?" noise.
GP : Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what to say. AWS Man (also known as Bill) has just informed us that- Wait a minute, can guys even get breast cancer?
JT : Maybe those really fat guys who have man-breasts.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) broke down again after his revelation. Composing himself, he brings the mic to his face once again, and snickers.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Siz-ike! I'm just playing, I don't have freakin' breast cancer. I've just got bad knees, and I want to stay home and watch porn. Win or lose, Desperate Measures will be my last IWO match. I know some of you may think you'll freakin' miss me, but I'm sure that pretty soon some new guy will a name like Zontar the Smited will come along with his pet squid named Greg and a potato gun that he shoots at his opponents, and you'll be so caught up in his freakin' stupidity that you'll forget all about mine ... Freak, I should've had a gimmick like that. Well, I guess I'll be going now. This is probably the last time you'll hear me say this, so feel free to freakin' chant along with me ... SOUTH CAROLINA FREAKIN' SUCKS!
As the Insane One yelled his catchphrase, most of the fans in the arena yelled the seemingly random insult out along with him. AWS Man (also known as Bill) takes one more look around, waves to the crowd, and exits the ring, heading towards the back.GP: What are you doing out here?!?
CEO Thomas Ford was relaxing in his chair, as best as he could at the current situation. I mean, his World Champion just said he would be retiring. Then again, when the camera focuses on Ford backstage, relaxing, you have to know that he's going to be interupted.
And interrupted he was, by one half of the tag team champions Mikey Capitali, as well as his true tag team partner Joey Sooner. Neither had looks of joys on their face.
Ford looked up from his desk, and smiled at Capitali.
Ford: Ah, Mikey. Congratulations on your title win last week at B-H-B-B Four. You must be rather enthusiastic.
And with this, Ford's smile cracked even larger.
Mikey Capitali: Ey Ford. You were the one behind this all along? This shame of a title reign, this destruction of two... uhmmm... one great partnership? You're the one trying to break the mafia up with this crappy, reused mix tag team championship angle? Well, screw you, we aren't playing it this way.
Ford: What makes you say that?
Mikey Capitali grabs Ford and thrusts him face first against the neck. Joey Sooner pulls out a small carving knife, and hands it to Capitali.
Mikey Capitali: Cuz you're gonna make everything alright. You're going to fix it like it should be.
Ford: *Gasping* Come on Capitali. You know I can't do that. You both are champions, it's the only way that's fair. I can't strip the title off of Edguardo.
Mikey pressed Ford's face up closer to the desk, which caused Ford to cringe in pain.
Mikey Capitali: Then you're takin' this belt back.
Capitali threw the title onto Ford's desk, releasing him from his clutches. Ford backed off and clutched at his face, before falling back into his chair. The Italian Mobsters started to walk out...
Ford: I can't do that either...
Capitali stopped in his tracks and turned around, staring at Ford in the face.
Ford: Or should I say that I won't do that. You think I'm going to ruin what credibility our tag team title has by letting you just relinquish it back to Diablo? No way Mikey. None whatsoever!
The fans popped as Ford shook his head to get rid of the cobwebs.
Ford: And after this stunt you pulled here just now, you're going to have to defend those title straps next weekend at Desperate Measures...
Ford paused, causing Capitali's face to turn red with anger.
Ford: ...against Joey Sooner and Diablo...
Capitali lounged at Ford, who was quick to back off before getting to his feet. Capitali took the knife back from Sooner and positioned it as close he could get to Ford without climbing over the desk.
Capitali: You little...
Ford: Yeah yeah, I'm a big old meanie or something like that. Just keep it clean. I want back on cable SOMETIME this century. Now get out of my office, I think you have a match later tonight.
Ford smirked, as Capitali dropped the knife in defeat. He and Sooner turned to leave.
Capitali: This ain't over Ford! Not by a long shot!
Capitali slammed the door behind him as they left. Ford looked over to his side of the desk, and picked up the knife they dropped, before taking it, and flinging it towards the door. It stuck, blade first, as Ford smiled.
Ford: Heh, still got it...
Ford turned back towards his desk and took a seat, before we faded back to ringside.
GP: What are you doing out here?!?
The camera does a quick rotate, as we see none other than former LoW/IML/IWO Black superstar Eddie Scott Poser.The camera does a quick rotate, as we see none other than former LoW/IML/IWO Black superstar Eddie Scott Poser.
JT: What's with the fake crown and the cape?
ESP: SILENCE~! How dare you question the actions of the King of Poland!
ESP: I'm out here for one reason, and one reason alone.... Okay, two reasons. One reason, for those delicious snow cones the vendors make...
GP: We don't have vendors anymore. Or snowcones for that matter. We sort of lost funds.
ESP: *Disappointed* Oh.... And my other reason was to be a special guest commentator and sit DIRECTLY between you two! Something about the wrath of the announcers must be down-held and they can not interact with one another for fear of FIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE. That, and something about you two wanting to kick the shit out of each other. Which would be kinda hard to do. Actually kicking the shit out of someone and all. That's just crazy... that and the lack of snow cones. How dare the IWO take away a food group from it's loyal IWO fans!
GP: Food... Group?
JT: Listen you stupid tard, we don't have any funds, which confuses me why the hell you're out here anyway!
GP: *Confused* Huh?
ESP: You know, the payment plans for the IWO. I'm getting six large sacks of elephant peanuts for this gig.
JT: You really are an idiot...
ESP: THANKS! *Hugs JT* I know we're going to be bestest friends! Unlike my cabbage patch doll which just stopped talking to me one day. That made me a sad panda.
JT: You're not a fucken panda... Jesus Greg, I remember idiots like this. You don't think they'll be another infestation.
ESP: If there are other people out there around the world that like elephant peanuts as much as myself, I'm sure of it.
JT bangs his head against the table.
GP: Just deal with it JT... let's just get through this night... *Sighs* I'm so having a talk with Ford soon.
ESP: Really? What about?
Diablo and Edguardo. Once Tag Team Champions, Diablo now finds himself without a title thanks to the bizarre end of TDM's match at Broken Hearts, Broken Bones, when the former champions faced the Italian Mobsters. Diablo? He's distraught. Edguardo... is...
Edguardo: Hey, D!
Diablo: What do you want?
Edguardo: Well, I think I'm gonna do something nice for my *fellow* champion, Mikey Capitali. You know, send him some chocolates, maybe a stripper, something like that...
Diablo: What?! He's not even supposed to be the champion with you! It should be TDM, not 1/2 of TDM, as the champions!
Edguardo: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch! Is that all you can do, Mr. I Got Pinned?
Diablo: Shut the hell up! I'm the brains of this tag team, you're the comic relief!
Edguardo: What are you talking about? We're no team! *MY* partner is Mikey Capitali, and I'm gonna send *MY* partner some strippers!
Diablo: Dude, he doesn't even like you.
Edguardo: ...poop. I'll send him some strippers anyway...
Edguardo whispers something in Diablo's ear. Diablo grins, and TDM starts to laugh as they walk down the hall.
Mikey Capitali & Edguardo vs. the Deadlier Sins
GP: Well, *Sigh* Up next we have a tag team match pitting the current unlikely tag team champions, Mikey Capitali and Edguardo against the Deadlier Sins, a combination that has held those belts before.
ESP: The rules are simple! The winner is the first person to shave the sheep outside of the ring and cover it in humus!
JT: What the fuck are you talking about?
GP: No folks, this is just a regular tag team match based around wrestling. Let's go to Meygon who's inside the ring, ready to announce this match.
Meygon: This next match is scheduled for one fall, and is a non title matchup!
"Space Suit" by They Might be Giants played over the arena as the fans rose to their feet in a frenzy. Jack Breaker and Jake Walker walk out, Aubrey Breaker by Jack's side, as they stand at the top of the rampway and raise their hands to the crowd. They slowly make their way to the ring, each with a cup of lemonade in their hands, before climbing into the ring. Aubrey lies waiting on the outside.
ESP: EYE POKE!
GP: ... The match hasn't even started yet.
ESP: Oh, sorry...
Meygon: Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Aubrey Breaker. They hail from New Orleans, Louisiana, and are the masters of the Wrath! They are former World Tag Team Champions, Jake Walker, Jack Breaker... the Deadlier Sins!
Jake takes a sip of his lemonade while Breaker raises his hands to the crowd. The respond in kind until "Dupa Capri" by B.U.G. Mafia plays, which causes the fans to let out disgruntled boos. Out from the back walks one half of the tag team partners, Mikey Capitali, holding the other half of his title in his hands. Joey Sooner is by his side, reluctantly accompaning him to a match that he should have been apart in. Capitali gets onto the ring apron, but doesn't enter, eying the Deadlier Sins in front of him.
Meygon: And their opponents. Introducing first, currently one half of the tag team champions, he is Mikey Capitali!
Capitali looks on as "Johnny" by System of a Down cuts off the Mobster's music, but not the reaction that was being shown. Edguardo walks out with his tag team title in his hand, along with his actual partner Diablo. Slowly, they make their way to the ring, Edguardo not taking his eyes off of Mikey Capitali, and Diablo not taking his eyes off of Sooner. Capitali and Edguardo nod at one another, as Capitali climbs into the ring. Edguardo runs in towards the ring as well, but puts on the brakes before entering.
*Ding ding ding*
Capitali turns to his side to see Edguardo not there, as he lets out an "Oh Fuck." He's then on the recieving end of a double dropkick by the Deadlier Sins.
GP: Edguardo pulling a fast one on Capitali!
Walker rolls out of the ring, pushed by the referee as Capitali gets to his feet, clutching his jaw. He throws a look over towards Edguardo who's standing in the corner, before he's hooked from behind by Jack Breaker, and german suplexed over. Capitali lands on the back of his neck, before flopping completely over and landing stomach first on the mat.
Poser: WHAT A WICKED POWERSLAM!
JT: That was a german suplex Poser... *To Greg* Where the hell did they get this guy?
Breaker gets up and stands overtop of Capitali, before picking him up off the mat. He twisted his left arm into an arm ringer, and then pulled him over to his corner. Breaker tagged out to Walker, who climbed into the ring, took the arm that was rung by Breaker, and laid into Capitali with a vicious side kick. He jumped on for the cover.
Kickout by Capitali.
ESP: WHAT A VICIOUS CORKSCREW MOONSAULT!
Capitali rolls out of the corner of the Sins, and dives towards Edguardo, tagging him in the shin before rolling out. Edguardo looks down at the fallen Capitali, as he's pulled in by Walker the hard way. The fans let out a cheer as Edguardo lands on the mat hard, back first. Walker doesn't stop there, stomping away, focusing on Edguardo's neck, before picking him up off the mat. Walker thrusted Edguardo off the ropes, but Edguardo was able to duck the returning clothesline, before Sooner pulled the top rope down, causing Edguardo to fly up and over the ring and to the outside. Capitali and Sooner then started to double team Edguardo with boot shots, before Diablo comes over, nailing his tag team partner next week at Desperate Measures, Joey Sooner, with a chair.
JT: WHAT A VICIOUS CHAIR SHOT!
Capitali backs off while Edguardo gets to his feet slowly. Diablo and Edguardo do a quick huddle, before each one makes their seperate way around the ring, looking to corner Capitali. It works, as Capitali goes to climb back in the ring. However, when all three men met on the side, Jake Walker does a somersault dive onto the three of them, sending all four men down on the outside.
ESP: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ATOMIC DROP!
GP: What a beautiful SOMERSAULT DIVE by Walker to the outside! Which resets the referee's count!
Walker grabs Edguardo, and tosses him back into the ring. With all the other three men down on the outside, Jake reaches over and tags in Jack. Walker picks Edguardo up to his side, and, and with that, they deliever the Wrath to a huge crowd response. Breaker piles on top while Capitali slides in, only to be stomped on by Walker.
GP: The Deadlier Sins have done it! They've defeated the unlikely tag team champions!
ESP: WHAT A MATCH! The Sins hit their KFC CRISPY STRIPS and we all went home happy!
JT: ... Well, all but the current champions and their partners. This time next week, they'll have to square off against one another for the straps.
Walking through the halls of the arena, Simon was seen already dressed in his wrestling gear. As a couple IWO employees passed by him, they tried not to look him in the eye, but he chose not to let that happen. While there, he decided to greet those present with a handshake. Moments later, we could see the individuals greeted by Seaman adorned with expressions of confusion and suspicion on their face. Finally at the end of the hall, we notice Simon pause and become motionless as he glared up at the door. The camera panned over revealing the word "Nuke" displayed in big letters on the door. The second this was seen by the crowd, it drove them into a commotion as they began to ponder what was going to happen next. Looking at the dressing room door for who knows how long, he slightly lifted his arm up, about to knock. Hesitating numerous times, he attempted once more, but then just let his arm just drop to his side.
GP: I'd like to know what is up with Simon Seaman tonight. Like, maybe some time soon.
JT: Don't ask me because I really have no clue.
ESP: What's up? His pants are what's up. Don't you understand?
JT: I don't think anyone does.
Hanging his head down, he stared at the floor below him and then glanced up at the ceiling. Taking a deep breath, he took one last look at the door and shook his head.
JT: Why doesn't he go and there and be Simon Seaman? Nuke would be dead by now if Simon wasn't acting this way.
GP: This is just odd. I'd expect that after what happened between himself and Nuke at Broken Hearts, Broken Bones, he'd want to annihilate him. I know if someone did that to me, heck, I'd want to retaliate the first chance
JT: And what about AWS Ninja Man guy (also known as Bill the Grasshopper or something)? He's the one that ended Seaman's title reign. Why isn't Seaman doing anything?
Appearing incredibly solemn, Simon walked away as the camera zoomed in on Nuke's dressing room door.
We fade back to another locker room, where two men dressed in matching lightning tights stand, both wearing bright sun glasses and sparkling glitter suits. One is doing the moonwalk.
Man #2: AWESOME MAN! AWESOME!
A knock is heard, as the second man walks over to the door and answers it. Standing there is the former IWO commentator and currently interviewer Nikki.
Nikki: I always get the crap jobs.... Hi! You must be the new tag team around here.
Man #2: New tag team ? We've been a tag team for a long while!
Nikki: Wait... Don't I recognize you...
She paused, biting her lower lip before smiling.
Nikki: OH YEAH! You were the Disposable Heroes! You wrestled last Mayhem and got thrown off the scaffold! You're Food and Drink!
The second man, looked at Nikki and shook his head.
Drink: We haven't been called Food and Drink in a long time! And more importantly, why are you interrupting this dance session!?!?
Food: Yeah! How do you dare disturb us when we're breaking it down!
Nikki: I'm sorry, I was just sent by Ford to get an interview from you guys. Something about "New talent" and "peanuts" and "t-v time." I didn't get everything.
Drink: Interview? I thought we already got the job! Why do we need to do another interview?!?
Nikki: No no, something for the cameras! For the fans?
Drink: DUDE~! We have fans!
The two men hug, as Nikki gets confused.
Nikki: Alrighty then.
Nikki goes to leave them alone, but is called back by Drink.
Drink: HEY! Why are you leaving?!? I thought maybe we could have an interview, and then maybe afterwards we could have a private interview...
Nikki: Oh great, all the cute guys are bi-sexual...
Drink looked over at Food, who gave him a totally weird look back. They quickly reverted their attention back to Nikki.
Drink: No way! Babe, we are ALL about the pussy. I'm Derek "Fly Guy" Edwards, and this is my partner in crime Josh "Southtown" Klein. The only reason we wear these shirts is because it turns the girls on at the dance halls. The only reason we hugged, is because we finally made it to the big time.
Food/Klein: *Cough* IWO's not a big fed anymore...
Drink/Edwards: What? It isn't?!?! What the... wasting all this time to get in a fed that's not big. Are you guys wordly at least?
Nikki shook her head.
Edwards: You're Continental then at least, right? Some sort of Mexico/Canada/US television station?
Nikki shook her head again.
Edwards: Fuck... you're at least national. Coast to Coast on syndication?!?
Nikki once again shook her head no.
Edwards: FUCK! What a waste of time. I shoulda just gotten laid tonight again...
Edwards looked up and down at Nikki who was standing before him....
Edwards: But on second thought. I don't do hookers... Think you could leave?
JT: DUDE~! FOCKEN SCORE!
Nikki takes a wild swing and slaps the taste out of Edwards' mouth. He flails around in a corkscrew fashion before eating the concrete floor. Nikki then gets into Klein's face, who picks up a magazine and puts it between them.
Nikki turns around and storms off...
JT: I feel for Edwards... I really really do.
The camera spots The Italian Mobsters, walking down the hall. Obviously, they just saw TDM's last segment.
Joey Sooner: 'ey, Mikey, that guy Edguardo must really like yaz!
Mikey: Shut up! I'm gonna make certain that you get your Tag Team Championship back from him! And then we'll be champions! Now let's see them strippers 'e got us!
Mikey and Joey walk into their rooms, and recoil in disgust. There are four strippers in the room: a male stripper, a transvestite stripper, an 80-year-old stripper, and a fat stripper. When I say fat, I mean like 600 pounds of stripper. The door shuts behind them. Standing there are Diablo and Edguardo!
Diablo: Have fun...
Edguardo: YOU STUPID WHAPS!
With the announcers ready to go and commentate on the upcoming match up, the crowd had already risen to their feet as "Relax" by Powerman 5000 blasted through the speakers.
JT: Here we go now! We are finally going to get an answer from the individual himself.
From the entranceway, Simon Seaman appeared and continued to walk down to the ring seemingly in a serious demeanor. Neglecting to react to several insults and negative remarks hurled at him from the crowd, he strolled through the aisle, up the steel steps and into the ring.
GP: Ladies and gentleman, this sudden appearance by Simon Seaman isn't scheduled, but I suggest that you shouldn't change the channel. For the majority of you who watched what happened at Broken Hearts, Broken Bones plus of course those who haven't, you might want to hear what he has to say.
ESP: I hear you loud and clear, Greg Parker. I understand you completely. I guess it helps that you're sitting next to me too.
JT: This isn't like him at all. If this was Simon Seaman through and through, he'd be trading insults with the fans and saying and doing what's on his mind, but neither has happened so far.
Failing to do his trademark greeting to the audience from the corner, he simply walked over the edge of the ring and asked the ring announcer for a microphone. His music stopped as he fiddled with the mic for a moment and positioned himself in the middle of the ring for everyone to see. The crowd showed its disapproval of him as a few empty cup containers and wrappers managed to reach ring and a couple even struck him. Raising his hands up, asking for the crowd to keep quiet, they instead continued to jeer even louder. Wasting no time, realizing that he might never get the attention of the fans, he raised his voice and spoke into the mic.
Simon: Since I lost the IWO World Heavyweight Championship at Broken Hearts, Broken Bones, everyone is expecting me to throw a fit. Since I didn't come out the victor like I wanted to be, a lot of you assume that tonight I'd whining and complaining about how I didn't really lose and how I should still be the champion.
A few cheers could be heard in the background in reaction to his confession of his title loss at the Pay-Per-View. With that said, Simon glanced at the mat and then proceeded.
Simon: I guess I'm the only one that thinks that. Wait, I don't think that. Hold on, I think I understand now. I guess it must be all of you.
The remark riled up the crowd once again as the only one that it didn't faze was the one the comment came from. Rubbing the back of his head and neck somewhat tense, he continued anyway.
Simon: So if I'm not throwing a fit and if I decided not to whine or complain, I bet you're asking yourself what will Seaman do? What will Seaman do? Will he try to get revenge on Nuke and or AWS Man (also known
JT: Well, what's the answer?
GP: Now where's he going?
Clearing his throat, he wandered over to the corner and then directed his attention to the entranceway. About to speak, he calmly walked out of the ring and asked the ring announcer and timekeeper for the time. Nodding his head as he was given the answer, he came back into the ring.
Simon: I'm afraid my time is up. I'd like to thank you all for listening to me.
GP: Excuse me?!
His music was cued as he threw the microphone back to the ring announcer and slowly, but surely exited the ring.
GP: What's the answer? Why won't Seaman give us an answer?
ESP: Forget about answers! I want more questions! Where are those?!
He waved to the audience one last time before walking up the ramp and into the back. Leaving the crowd and announce team absolutely puzzled, Seaman simply left without even returning to give a response.
JT: I guess Seaman believes that the show is more important than him.
GP: Since when?! Since when has Simon Seaman put the fans before himself?
JT: Well if he didn't before, and it did, but it starts tonight.
North American Championship
Harold Hash vs. Erik Blake
GP: Well folks, welcome back. Eddie Scott Poser has apparently fallen asleep, and JT might as well be asleep, since he hasn't said anything worthwile all night.
JT: Hey, I... uhm... like yogurt.
GP: My point exactly. Let's just get to Meygon for the introductions.
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it's for the... I don't know, some kind of championship... who really keeps track of these things, anyway? Uhm.... making his way to the ring first, from Chicago, Illinois, please welcome Erik Blake!
"Fight Music" by D12 hits to a less-than-stellar reaction from the fans. Blake steps out on the stage and sort of ambles down to the ring to total indifference from the crowd.
Meygon: Making his way to the ring next, from Raleigh, North Carolina, he's some kind of champion, Harold... uhm... (She checks her notes) Hash!
"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse hits and Hash steps out to a fair pop. He walks to the ring with purpouse, staring down Erik Blake. The crowd eats it up.
*DING DING DING!*
Blake starts the match off by going for a reverse waistlock. He leans back, as if to gain leverage for a back suplex, but Hash backflips over his shoulder, pulls Blake's neck around into a front facelock, and nails a vicious DDT. Blake hits the mat and bounces. Hash rolls over his side and sweep-kicks Blake in the kneecaps, taking him to the mat once again. Hash gets to the second rope, flexes his bicep, and goes for a flying elbow. Blake rolls away, but unfortuntaley rolls in the wrong direction and still takes the brunt of Hash's weight. Harold rolls him over for a cover.
Kickout at two by Erik Blake. Blake quickly swings to his feet, and ducks a clothesline from Harold Hash. Blake grabs Hash's forehead from behind, and pulls him down into a sitting position.
Poser: WOW! What a Suicide Plancha! That Harold Hash is insane!
GP: That was a reverse facecrusher, actually folks. Uhm... and coming from Erik Blake, a nice move. You think he can keep this up, JT?
JT: Erik Blake? Wrestle a good match? What are you smoking, and where can I get some?
Hash is on his back on the mat. Blake is kneeling by his head. He drags a forearm across Hash's face a few times, as the crowd sort of groans to keep count. Hash starts to struggle to his feet, and Blake keeps him busy with a few knife-edge chest chops. Hash doubles over, and Blake goes for an irish whip. Hash exerts his strength, though, and sends Erik flying in the other direction. He rebounds, and Harold clutches on to his neck in mid-run, jumps, and executes a powerful jawbreaker. Erik goes down and grabs his chin. Harold stomps on the back of his head and grinds his face to the ground. Erik rolls over his right shoulder and flattens himself on the mat. Harold mounts the turnbuckle in a leap, glances over his shoulder to time the jump, and executes a textbook shooting star off the top, connects, and hooks Blake's leg in hopes of a one-two-three.
Poser: That was an incredible DDT! He dropped Marty right on his head?
GP: That was a SHOOTING STAR PRESS... and who the hell is Marty?
Poser: He's laying in the corner... oh, what a tremendous body splash! You can hear that one echo throughout the arena!
GP: ...what match are you watching? Uhm.. Erik Blake kicks out! He kicks out!
Hash angrily whips Blake into the turnbuckle. Blake drops down and Harold takes a running start from across the ring, and slams Erik with a body splash.
JT: What a tremendous body splas...
GP: Wait a minute, didn't Eddie call that, like, a minute before it happened?
Poser: Phillip's down! Cover! One, two, no! His partner, Martin Van Buren, breaks up the four-count!
GP: Well, there goes that theory.
Erik stumbles out of the corner, out-of-breath and dazed. Harold mounts the turnbuckle just as Erik turns around and catches a missile dropkick to the chest. Erik goes down, and quickly rolls out of the ring. Harold stands in the middle of the ring and appeals to the crowd as the ref starts to count Erik out.
GP: Erik Blake is out of it! I don't think he's gonna make it!
JT: Wait, he's stirring a little.
Poser: Oh, there's the powerbomb on Martin Van Buren!
Outside the ring, Erik slowly struggles to his feet. He staggers over to the ring, and, rather than sliding in, he pulls Hash out. The ref grudgingly restarts the count.
Hash's head hits the ringpost via Erik Blake's second wind. Blake levels Hash with a clothesline, and tosses him back into the ring. He stops for a moment as Harold struggles to his feet, then slides in and...
Poser: Arm drag! What a maneuver!
GP: You idiot... Blake's using a chair!
*DING DING DING*
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner by disqualification, Harold Hash!
"Hacksaw Decapitation" hits once again as a battered and bruised Harold raises his belt a few feeble inches over his head and then is helped backstage by the ref.
GP: Well, Erik Blake has been disqualified... what does this mean for Desperate Measures?
Meanwhile backstage, Simon Seaman appeared once again preparing for his match-up in the hallway. Stretching a bit, he kept to himself like he has done for most of the night. As he adjusted his elbow pads, he noticed behind a television monitor which was playing the finish to the Pay-Per-View. Turning around to view the footage, he crossed his arms and just looked blankly at the screen as he witnessed his shoulders being pinned by AWS Man (also known as Bill).
GP: This must be killing him. Why is he watching that?
JT: It probably doesn't bother him. I have no idea why it wouldn't, but I guess Seaman isn't affected by it.
GP: He lost a title, the WORLD title, that he had previously held for what seemed to be one of the longest reigns if not the longest reign in the history of our company...and you can say with confidence that he doesn't feel that loss? Not even deep inside himself?
ESP: I feel that inside of me. Sometimes I try to reason with that feeling, but it won't have it.
Without even reacting to what happened, Seaman just turned his back to the television and continued to prepare for the upcoming main event.
JT: I guess not. A picture is worth a thousands words and Seaman just gave you a crystal clear image.
GP: Who is this guy and what did he do with the real Simon Seaman? That's what I want to know.
ESP: Shut up, you. You want to know everything
JT: Whether you believe him or not, that's him all right. Like we all know, there's only one Simon Seaman and you're looking at him right now.
Cut backstage. We see Jack and Aubrey Breaker, and Jake Walker, standing around in a hallway backstage. Jack has a cupcake and a length of rope.
Aubrey: *sigh* explain this to me again.
Jack: It's simple. We tie the rope like... so... and we put it right here next to the cupcake. Now, if there's one thing I know that Edguardo loves, it's cupcakes. So when he smells this cupcake, he won't be able to resist, and he'll come running. But, you see, when he steps in the middle of the rope, he'll become HOPELESSLY ENSNARED and then we can slap him silly with these here fish!
Jake: ...what fish?
Jack: These... fish... dammit! Oh well. It's a good plan, anyway. Oh! Here comes somebody.
They duck behind a cardboard box and watch. A figure appears from behind the corner.
Figure: Ooh! A cuppy-cake! I'll just bend down here and pick it...
Figure: Oh no! I have become hopelessly ensnared in a rope!
Jack jumps out from behind the box.
The camera pans out to reveal the figure of President Tom Ford, hanging by his ankle from the roof.
Ford: Breaaaaaaker! You've got some `splainin' to do!
Jack takes off running down the corridor. Jake follows suit. Aubrey unties Tom, then looks at him for a second and splits down the hall after Jack.
Simon Seaman & Nuke vs. AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) & Schitzo Tod
GP: Folks, we are back from the break and as you can see, we've got Nuke in the ring and more sooner than later, we should have Simon Seaman come through that curtain.
JT: He's the former champ now, but so what? Why is everyone bothering him with questions? Sure, I've had my share of confusion about Seaman's demeanor tonight, but people should just leave this guy alone.
ESP: Leave him alone? Did peanut butter leave jam alone when they collaborated to make the single greatest sandwich ever known to man?
GP: Uh, good point there Poser...but we're talking about something else entirely.
"Relax" by Powerman 5000 blasted through the speakers as the crowd rose to their feet awaiting the appearance of the former world champion. With blue strobe lights illuminating the entranceway, his music continued to play yet he was nowhere to be seen. As the seconds ticked by, Nuke and the rest of the crowd were perplexed as to why Seaman wasn't there.
JT: You know what? Seaman isn't here and I know why. It's because of that individual in the ring. That ungrateful, irresponsible individual called Nuke is the reason why Simon Seaman not only lost the title that should have
been his until the end of time, but is the reason why Seaman was acting the way he did earlier tonight.
GP: Now maybe he did cost him the title, but it his damn fault that he let Nuke do what he did. If he has a problem with Nuke, he should confront him and tell him what he thinks, but he hasn't done that yet.
Seaman's music proceeded on as the ring announcer was uncertain as to what to do in this odd situation. With no sight of Seaman, "Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound gang played over the former champ's theme as both AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Schitzo Tod emerged from the entranceway at the same time. They made their way down to the ring while Nuke conversed with the ref.
JT: Looks like this is going to be a handicap match. Seaman has no-showed and Nuke is left to fend for himself.
ESP: This is like the infamous "Case #235" in 1987 where it was spoon vs. dish for custody of the cow that jumped over the moon.
GP: Eddie, what the hell are you talking about?
Meygon: Coming down to the ring at this time, at a combined weight of 393 pounds...SCHITZO TOD and the IWO World Heavyweight Champion...AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BILL)!
As Nuke's opponents entered the ring via the bottom rope, he exited the ring for a bit to devise a plan against both AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Schitzo Tod now that Seaman would not be there to help him out. AWS Man (also known as Bill) interacted with the fans in the arena who showed their admiration for him as Tod did the same. The music came to a halt as the bell rang and the match was about to begin. The new champion handed his belt to the ref just as Nuke jumped up on the ring apron and reluctantly entered the ring.
GP: Looks like this thing is about to get started.
JT: Just take a gander at AWS Man (also known as Bill), AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper), AWSABC123 or whatever his name is. I can't believe someone like him is holding Seaman's title like it's his. Eddie, look me in
the eye and tell me that Seaman was one of the greatest world champions that ever stepped foot in an IWO ring.
ESP: He still wasn't as great as sliced cheese! Or Poland. Poland is the bestest.
AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Schitzo Tod discussed in the corner who would go first and without warning, the fans let out a huge cheer as Tod made his way to the ring apron and the champion stayed in the ring. With
the crowd firmly behind the two, Nuke covered his ears and yelled at the audience to quiet down. They obviously didn't obey his directions as they kept getting louder and louder. AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Nuke circled each other and went in for a tie-up. The champ forced his opponent into the corner as they were locked in that position. The ref broke it up as AWS Man (also known as Bill) released his hold, but just as that occurred, Nuke drove his knee into AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s midsection and shoved him into the corner. A barrage of lefts and rights later followed and with a quick whip to the ropes, Nuke was able to get off a impressive arm drag. AWS Man (also known as Bill) stood up and was met with knife edge chop after knife edge chop from Nuke. Another whip into the ropes was reversed by the champ, but a clothesline attempt as ducked by Nuke. With that said, Nuke executed a beautiful neckbreaker, resulting in the first pin attempt of the match.
ESP: We've got one, two, fifty-five and three-quarters, but no! Wrestler one kicked out!
GP: For the people watching at home, I'd like to apologize for the new system of calling matches we have apparently adopted.
JT: That's a system?
Nuke looked behind him to see Schitzo Tod waiting in the wings and then put the boots to the man that defeated Simon Seaman. He tried to finish the match off quickly with a series of vicious elbow drops. AWS Man (also known as Bill) eventually got up and was whipped into the corner by Nuke. With a head of steam, Nuke charged the champ, but at the last second, AWS Man (also known as Bill) kicked Nuke in the face. Nuke staggered around for a bit was driven to canvas with a stiff clothesline by AWS Man (also known as Bill). Nuke returned to his feet and tried to attack, but slammed his face to the mat from a drop toe hold. AWS Man (also known as Bill) slowed the pace of the match down as he whipped Nuke into the corner and his body practically bounced off the turnbuckles and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker followed. Nuke screamed in pain as AWS Man (also known as Bill) helped him up and drag him along the ropes as he tagged Tod to the approval of the crowd.
GP: Here comes Schitzo Tod.
ESP: Ah yes, Schitzo from the term "Schitzoo" meaning a schizophrenic zoo and Tod from the Greek Goddess Todlandra meaning wrestler of goodwill. He's ready to go, alright.
JT: Ladies and gentleman, for the hearing impaired...I'd like to congratulate you on having the privilege of being unable to listen to this broadcast. I envy you.
Schitzo Tod continued the advantage with a flurry of punches. With Nuke reeling against the ropes, Tod attempt to whip him into the opposite set, but Nuke blocked it and hurled his opponent up and over his head. Surprisingly, Tod landed on the ring apron and chose the moment to shove Nuke onto the mat. Scaling the turnbuckles, Tod connected with a missile dropkick arising in a cover. The ref made the count, but Nuke kicked out at two.
ESP: The Jamaican thunder lightning roll up got a count of seven, but luckily it wasn't enough to get an extra life in the game that is one's existence.
JT: What he said.
Nuke quickly attacked his opponent the first chance he got with boots to the midsection. Tod leaned against the ropes and AWS Man (also known as Bill) executed a blind tag as his partner bounced off the ropes. Dropping
his head down for what appeared to be a back body drop attempt, he was driven face first on the canvas by the champ and as Nuke got up, a spinning heel kick from Tod caught him in the temple. Without a moment's notice,
Nuke slid out of the ring from danger to the crowd's dismay. Fed up with both of his opponents, Nuke lifted up the ring skirt and retrieved a steel chair. With Tod now back in the corner, Nuke re-entered the ring and tried
to get in a quick chair shot on the world champion, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) sidestepped Nuke and the chair bounced off the top rope. As the chair dropped to the floor at ringside, AWS Man (also known as Bill) hooked in and connected with Break Your Freakin' Neck. The moment this happened, the crowd went ballistic as AWS Man (also known as Bill) signaled for the Win the Freakin' Matchifier maneuver.
ESP: It's time for chili, people! IT'S...TIME...FOR...CHILI!
GP: Well, that too, but it looks as though it's time for AWS Man (also known as Bill) to win the freakin' match.
JT: Freakin' this, freakin' that. When will he learn that just because you say freakin', doesn't mean you're too cool for school.
The moment AWS Man (also known as Bill) scaled to the top turnbuckle with Nuke positioned perfectly for the move, the lights mysteriously went out. As the crowd were heard in a commotion as to what was going on, absolutely nothing happened. Then after what seemed to be a minute, "Relax" by Powerman 5000 came over the PA system and continued to play for another minute. Then finally, as the lights came back on, what was most likely supposed to be the appearance of Simon Seaman ended up not being so. Though, oddly enough a table was set up just outside of the ring.
JT: What was that? Where's Seaman?
GP: I'm as confused as you are. His music played again, but where is he?
JT: I NEED MY FIX OF SEAMAN!
ESP: *Laughs Uncontrollably*
With AWS Man (also known as Bill) on the second turnbuckle, Nuke was up and tried to take his opponent off of it, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) clocked him with the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off which sent Nuke to the mat. Climbing the turnbuckles for the second time, the crowd stood up to see what was most likely to be a great sight and as AWS Man (also known as Bill) crouched on the top turnbuckle ready to pull off the daring move, a trap door from the corner of the ring opened and out popped Simon Seaman. Wearing a leather jacket and silver pants, he went over to the corner where the new champion was, climbed the turnbuckles, and hooked AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s head. From up top, Seaman guided AWS Man (also known as Bill) all the way down onto the table at ringside with a devastating bulldog to the floor.
JT: Good god! Did you see that?!
ESP: I guess we know where Seaman is now...right there.
The ref noticed this and immediately stopped the match. Every fan in the arena was on their feet either booing or cheering the former champ's efforts. Tod almost instantaneously went after Seaman and a chase ensued around the ring. As Seaman was being chased, he picked up the chair on the floor and slid under the bottom rope. Tod followed, but Seaman left the ring by the time he entered. Dropping the chair for Nuke seconds before he exited, Schitzo Tod was struck in the face with a vicious chair shot from Nuke. Seaman then at ringside stared right at Nuke and the fans anticipated a confrontation between the two. As Seaman entered the ring, he slowly walked up to Nuke in the ring amongst all the carnage. The two then glared at each other from a couple of feet away. To the fans disliking, Seaman put out his hand for Nuke to shake and eventually, Nuke reciprocated and shook his hand.
GP: Did Seaman just forgive Nuke for costing him the title? What the hell are they doing?
JT: This is unbelievable.
Nuke lifted Seaman's arm up in victory and they both posed for the crowd. After that, Seaman told Nuke to take Tod out, now struggling to pull himself up. Nuke obliged and just as he was about to strike Tod in the back, Seaman took off his leather jacket and with a strong expression of anger in his face, turned Nuke around, kicked him in the lower extremities and dropped him on the chair with a DDT that echoed throughout the arena. From there, Seaman exited the ring and grabbed a chair spray painted silver from under the ring. As the fans drowned out any additional sounds that were heard, Seaman slid into the ring and repeatedly nailed Nuke with chair shot after chair shot. With determination in his eyes, Seaman got in about ten vicious chair shots to Nuke who laid in the ring unable to get up. Pacing back and forth in the ring, he yelled at Nuke and the fans in the arena who reacted to his every move.
JT: Now THAT is unbelievable! There's your answer, Greg Parker. There is your answer, damn it. Why wasn't Seaman angry about his title loss at the hands of Nuke? There's your answer in that ring.
ESP: So he WAS angry then? I keep getting all these crazy emotions mixed up.
Staring at Nuke, Seaman pointed to himself and yelled "You did this to me" several times with almost an expression of agony in his face, on the verge of crying. IWO officials rushed the ringside area and tended to AWS Man (also known as Bill) as Seaman noticed Schitzo Tod getting up. As Tod backpedaled towards Seaman, the former champion turned Tod around and struck him in the shin with the chair. Ironically using the maneuver against Tod, Seaman began to scream at him as well. Finally dropping the chair on the mat, "Relax" by Powerman 5000 was heard as we could see AWS Man (also known as Bill) being helped up at ringside. Exiting the ring absolutely furious, Seaman looked back at what he did and dusted his hands clean as he walked up the ramp.
GP: Simon Seaman has lost it. This man is, well, he's nuts.
ESP: Bent chairs and broken tables. This is what technical wrestling is all about.
JT: He's sending a message, Parker. He just relayed a message to not only Schitzo Tod, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) and most of all Nuke. This is what happens when you drive Simon Seaman over edge. There is hell to pay and I'm guessing Seaman has just started. You know how AWS Man (also known as Bill) is also known as AWS Ninja (also known as Grasshopper)? Well tonight the grasshopper has become the grasshoppee, so to speak.
Seaman walks over to the time keepers table, being withheld from the grasp of the officials, before picking up a microphone.
Seaman: Desperate Measures... I get my title shot. I get my rightful rematch, and I get my hands on all of you again...
The scene fades out as Seaman is seen with a big smirk on his face, backpeddling up the entranceway, admiring a job well done.
JT: Now that is how you do it.