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Hostile Takeover
Heartbeat, IWO logo. Cut to a sweeping shot of Long Island, New York's Nassau Colluseum. The capacity crowd goes wild as the Hostile Takeover pyros go off all around the stage.

GP: After a short hiatus, we are back tonight for this special Wedensday edition of IWO Hostile Takeover, live from the Nassau Colluseum in New York! I'm Greg Parker, alongside JT, and what a card we have lined up tonight! The World title is on the line tonight, as Simon Seaman goes one-on-one with AWS Man (Also Known as Bill), not to mention Nuke taking on Schitzo Tod... the Cruiserweight title will be put on the line tonight in a triple threat match...

JT: Don't forget the hardcore rules match! Harold Hash and Syphon Fission! Brutality and whatnot! This is my kind of night!

Suddenly. "Simon Says" by Pharoahe Monch starts to play as a shocking and loud chorus of boos comes across the building.

GP: Oh, God no!

JT: Holla Fucking Luya!

GP: If the WWF wants an example of a cancer or a leather injection of poison they should get a load of this.

Meygon: Ladies and Gentlemen coming to the ring at this time......Evan Levine!

The boos get louder as a much leaner and relaxed Evan walks out to a capacity crowd. (hehehe)

JT: I have finally been given a reprieve from this nut house. Sanity and pure greatness has graced the IWO like the old days.

GP: The old days of ego, hate and no fun.

JT: At least we had two weekly cards and activity.

GP: ......

JT: What!

Evan gets into the ring and takes the mic from the announcer. He smiles as he looks to the thousands of paying fans.

Evan: The Day Napoleon returned from exile he returned a conquering hero....He came back as the savior of France....kinda makes me think of today. I was pushed out in front of a sellout crowd, now I return months later
on the IWO's only card in front of all you dozens of fans.

The fans boo.

Evan: Look where you are now without me. The IWO has gone from selling out Madison Square Garden to barely packing the ECW arena. Its turned into a joke and at the butt of it stands the maineventers…. the true cancer of the IWO. In their search for fun and random sick shit they lost organization and crushed anyone who had true hope for this once great federation.

The fans boo.

GP: This is all bull shit. We might not be as big as we used to be but at least were still having fun.

JT: Yea but at what price?

Evan: Tonight I have arrived here for a reason…..I didn’t come to get that fame back…hell no if I really wanted to I have a spot for me at the FWF witch at least keeps its cards running. No I am here tonight for my final act as a member of the IWO. I have been a wrestler….I have made history in the IWO, I was a member of the Billion Dollar Promotion. I have held many titles and I have had some great matches…..I was in the office for a good two year being the heart of this federation I knew it like the back of my hand. I have been here for the good and I have been here for the bad and now I will be here on its last days.

GP: What is he talking about? No one has ever questioned the heart and dedication that Evan put into the IWO.

JT: Everyone always did. But he’s mistaken! He thinks this is the last day of the IWO. Silly Evan.

GP: What does he mean?

Evan: Tonight I have arrived to kill what should have died when people like the ones in the back took over. Its time to lay this great federation down on its death bed and put it out of misery. I am here to KILL THE INTERNET WRESTLING FEDERATION!

The fans erupt into a burst of booing as Evan calmly leans on the ropes


GP: He’s lost it.

Evan: The IWO had its time in the light…..people like Dane Wilt

The fans cheer at the mere mention of the name.

Evan: Phelen Kell...

Fans get even louder.

Evan: Mysterious One...

Fans go nuts.

Evan: ME!


Evan: Damn it, the IWO MUST DIE THE IWO WILL DIE……If there is any respect left for this once great federation you the fans would understand that. But no your still here because your just like the boys in the back….BLIND! Come Broken Hearts Broken Bones, I will be sticking a knife straight though the hearts of the Internet Wrestling Federation.

“Simon Says “ By Pharoahe Monch plays as Evan drops the mic and walks out of the ring.

GP: What can he do to kill the IWO….he has no say, power, or control here anymore.

JT: He didn’t either in 2000 when he took over.

And we cut backstage to the locker room of the Deadlier Sins. We see Jack Breaker, furiously engaged in a game of tabletop foozball with his wife Aubrey. Jake Walker is in the background, sipping a Country Time lemonade in a shameless attempt to boost the IWO's advertising revenue.

Jack: [Frustrated] Come on, stupid goalie! Move, dammit! I'm not paying you to slack off!

Jack falls backwards on the couch in frustration as Aubrey scores another goal.

Aubrey: Ha! What's the score now... thirty-three to six?

Jack: ...All right, we'll go best two out of three.

Aubrey: Face it Jack, you can't win.

Aubrey flicks her wrist and scores another goal.

Aubrey: That's thirty-four... you ready to call it quits?

Jack: Never! I'm just getting warmed up!

Jake: Hmm... I'd better start getting ready for my match...

Jack: Maybe you should just SHUT UP and let me concentrate!

Jake: Why don't you make me?!

Jack: Well, just for that, I'm not buying you a post-match ice cream cone!

Jake: :-(

Jack: Oh, all right. I can't say no to a face like that. But you're getting low-fat yougurt!

Jake: Dammit. Okay.

Jack: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hot pocket in the toaster.

Aubrey: ...but we don't have a toaster here.

Jack: ...that would explain AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) sceaming at me for ruining his VCR.

Aubrey: Come to think of it, yeah, it would.

* Commercial Break *

GP: Well, let's kick this show off with some non-title, tag team action!

JT: You say that as if it's a good thing.

GP: Let's just get to Meygon for the introductions, shall we?

Meygon: The following contest is sceduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring first, from Tijuana, Mexico, Edguardo and Diablo, Those Damn Mexicans!

"Johnny" by System of a Down hits as TDM stroll out to the ring to a mixed pop. As they raise their tag title belts in the air, the crowd begins to boo.

Meygon: Making their way to the ring next, the Italian Mobsters!

The Mobsters hit the ring next to an equally negative reaction.

GP: Well, the fans sure seem to hate these guys.

JT: I happen to agree. Boo!

Diablo slides out to the apron and lets Edguardo handle the Italian Mobster who happens to be in the ring. His name currently eludes me. Edguardo tags in Diablo and they quickly nail the Mexican Death Drop on the mobster guy.

GP: There's the Mexican Death Drop! This is over! Edguardo covers!



GP: Wait a minute! What is this?!

Suddenly, someone hops the crowd barrier and rushes into the ring. The ref abruptly stops the count and calls for the bell as the camera pans in to reveal Jack Breaker, brandishing a lead pipe, standing over Edguardo. MOSTER GUY quickly rolls out of the ring and starts up the ramp with PARTNER MOB GUY as Jack brings the pipe down stiffly on Edguardo's forehead. Diablo hops up on the apron and reaches in to restrain Jack, but Jack takes him down with a superkick through the ropes. With Jack distracted, Edguardo nails a reverse flying forearm from behind, taking Jack to the mat. Diablo slides into the ring and starts stomping angrily on Jack. Edguardo joins in, and TDM stand tall in the ring, taking turns kicking Jack, when, from nowhere, Jake Walker charges in. He backdrops Edguardo over the ropes, then backs Diablo into a corner with a series of chops. Diablo slumps down into the corner, and Jake swiftly whips him over to where Jack is set up for a backbreaker. As Jack brings Diablo down, Jake runs in and nails a neckbreaker.

GP: There's the Wrath! My God, the carnage! Our World Tag champs are being manhandled by fan favorites the Deadlier Sins!

"Space Suit" by They Might be Giants hits as the Deadlier Sins pose for the fans and head back up the ramp. Edguardo and Diablo stand in the ring, staring the Sins down as we cut backstage.

We see Sam Potright, briskly jogging down a corridor, Cruiserweight title belt on his shoulder. The fans pop huge as he makes his way out to ringisde.

GP: Sam Potright, High Flyer, Jake Walker - Cruiserweight title on the line - comming up nex... wait a minute! What is this?

Potright is suddenlt blindsided by a chairshot from behind. He turns for a moment, and is knocked off his feet by a second blow. His assailant steps out from a doorway, holding the chair over his face to conceal his identity, and delivers a few kicks to Potright's ribs before taking off in the opposite direction down the hall.

*commercial break*

We go backstage during a live Hostile Takeover as we see an extremely familiar face staring at the IWO on the wall of the dressing room.  With the IWO world title placed delicately on a red, silk pillow encased in glass, the camera pans back up as Simon Seaman listens to music on his headphones. The crowd shows their disapproval for his appearance as tilts his head back and forth to the music while wearing an incredibly noisy leather shirt made especially for him.  Glancing around to see if anyone is around, he begins to hum eventually leading to singing.

Simon(singing): "My fed is a very, very, very fine fed.  With idiots all around.  They’re crawling on the ground.  Now everybody must bow down to me."

Reaching into his duffel bag, he takes out his cellular phone and starts dialing, continuing to sing to the high heavens.

Simon: "Cell phone is a very, very, very fine phone.  With an illuminated screen, call waiting and everything.  Now rates are really cheap since it's the night."

Taking his headphones off, he puts the cell phone to his ear and waits for someone to pick up.  As an individual responds on the other line, Simon scratches his head before beginning.

Simon: Hello?  Are you ready?  Well good because I've got a job for you tonight.

The champ pauses for a minute to let the person on the other line speak.

Simon: I need help from you more sooner than later.  I've got a match tonight against AWS M...oh, who am I kidding?  He doesn't deserve free publicity on television after what he did to me last week.

Sitting down on the padded chair behind him, he proceeds.

Simon: That's right.  I don't want nothing like that to happen in the main event.  I've got something to prove to him and to the rest of those "fans" in the arena.

Momentarily occupying himself with a piece of lint stuck to his pants, he dusts it off.

Simon: I don't care how you do it.  All I want is for things to go smoothly. You got it?

Clearing his throat, he waits a little while to give a response.

Simon: Get the job done.  That's all I ask.  All right.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Goodbye already!

Hanging up on the person on the other line, he throws the phone back onto a shelf behind him just as someone barges into the dressing room.  Tending to his world title, he doesn't realize Nuke entering the room and standing just behind him.  The fans in the arena give a fairly mixed reaction to his presence as Nuke waits idly by for Simon to turn around.  Standing up from his chair, he turns around and is shocked to see Nuke there.  Covering up himself with his hands, even though he is fully dressed, Nuke simply continues to stand there.

Simon: What do you think you are doing?  You have no business being here.  I could have been naked and like I have always said, that's strictly for the weekends.

Crossing his arms somewhat annoyed by him in the early going of this conversation, Nuke replies.

Nuke: Well you're not, so why don't we have a little talk?

Nuke motions behind him to a cameraman already filming.  Simon stares at the cameraman and then points to his cameraman invited previously to his room.

Nuke: I even brought a cameraman to tape the whole thing.

Simon: Have you two cameraman met because I'd feel pretty stupid if I didn't introduce you two gentleman to each other.  Maybe we could arrange a little rendezvous, so to speak.

Reaching into his back pocket to take out his wallet, Simon remembers Nuke's previous comment and then switches his attention over to him.

Simon: Damn it.  Little talk?  Every time someone says that they want a "little talk", it ends up lasting for ten hours.  Don't you have a match against that Schitzo Tod soon, also known as the man I beat like a billion times?  So why don't you move on out of here and prepare for it?  Do your Tae-Bo, step aerobics, whatever you need to because I'm busy.

Pushing him towards the door, Nuke resists and remains stationary.

Nuke: Prepare for what?  Schitzo Tod?  He's nothing.  Shit, I already won. Me having to actually fight the match is merely an unavoidable technicality. A violent one at that.  Shit, you have a match as well, don't you? Com'on, you have to have something to say to AWS Man(also known as Bill)?

Simon: First of all, my name is Simon, not fecal matter.  Next time you call me that, you're out of here.

Staring down at the ground for a moment, he speaks.

Simon: Yes I do have match tonight, thank you very much, but against that kung fu movie reject?  To coin a term from the literary masterpiece "Mad Magazine"...what, me worry?  Did you see what he did to me last week?  Chair
shot right between the eyes.  I needed a thousand invisible stitches for goodness sake. Not only was that cheap, but it proved that AWS Man is a coward.  A downright coward.  Don't even tell me he deserves words surrounded by parentheses in his name because he truly doesn't.  He showed to the world that he is afraid of me and to tell you the truth, that title is going nowhere except right around my waist once again after I mop the floor with him with the help of Pine-Sol, put a little Windex to clean those dirty windows, waterproof my porch and put up new wallpaper, because you know what?  This is my house and I can do whatever I want with it.

Smirking back at Simon, Nuke answers with his take on things.

Nuke: Yeah, he's a fucking joke.  Well seeing as how we both have a one-sided ass kicking to attend to tonight, I better be last thing though.

Glancing at the cell phone on the shelf, Nuke asks Simon a question.

Nuke: Who were you talking to on the phone before I came in?  I saw you talking on the phone when I entered room.

Grabbing his phone from the shelf, he starts to stutter and attempts to stall.

Simon: Oh, this?  Oh, the phone?  Who was I talking to?  Good question.

Blurting the first thing that comes to his mind, he utters it.

Simon: Just someone I know.  Just someone I know.

Nuke: I see...well I've got to run.  I have heads to bash in.  Maybe we'll see each other later tonight.

Walking away, a slight grin is seen on his face as he closes the door behind him.

Nuke: Who knows?

Staring suspiciously back at him, Simon sits back down on his chair and drops the cell phone back into his duffel bag and puts his headphones back onto his head.

Simon: Yeah, okay.

Fade out and cut to the Deadlier Sins' locker room. Jake Walker stands in one corner of the room, warming up for his match. Jack Breaker is sitting at a coffee table with his wife, Aubrey, eating a Hostess cupcake.

Jack: Mmm. I gotta say, whoever came up with the idea to put the cream filling on the inside ought to be given a Nobel prize or a clock radio or something.

Jake: Man, I sure could go for a cupcake right about now.

Aubrey: But you have to keep your weight below 225 if you want to win the Cruiserweight championship tonight!

Jake: Oh, come on! I'm a whole pound below the limit! One cupcake's not gonna put me over!

Jack: What if it had a brick in it?

Jake: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

With that, Jake dives across the room, seemingly in slow-motion. The camera does a Matrix-esque 180° as Jake snatches the cupcake out of Jack's hand and devours it in one bite.

Jack: Dammit, I was eating that!

Jake: Well, you sure didn't do too good of a job at that.

Jack: But... dammit!

Jake: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll see you in the ring.

Jack: I seriously doubt that.

Jake: ...touche.

Suddenly, Tom Ford rushes in, smacks Jake in the head with a small tuna, and leaves.

Jake: Dammit.

Cut back to ringside, where we see GP and JT.

GP: What do you suppose that was all about?

JT: How the hell should I know?

GP: I don't know. I was only...

JT: Yeah, well why don't you shut up?

GP: Okay, but...

JT: I can't believe you don't shut up!

GP: Well folks, I'm being informed that Sam Potright is being rushed to a nearby medical facility following that... that unprovoked attack by an unnamed assailant. I'm also being informed that the Cruiserweight title match scheduled for next has been changed to a number one contenders match between High Flyer and Jake Walker.

Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the number-one contendership to the IWO Cruiserweight championship! Making his way to the ring first, from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, he weighs in at 204 and 1/4 pounds and is the first IWO Grand Slam champion, High Flyer!

"Loco" by Coal Chamber blares throughout the arena as High Flyer steps out onto the stage to a tremendous pop. He strolls leisurely to the ring, waving to the fans. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and poses on the turnbuckle for a few moments.

Meygon: And the challenger, from Chicago, Illinois, he weighs in at 224 pounds and is accompanied by Jack and Aubrey Breaker, please welcome Jake Walker!

"Conduit for Sale!" by Pavement hits as Jake steps out onto the stage. He is followed closely by Jack Breaker. Aubrey is riding piggy-back on Jack. They approach the ring to a sizeable pop. Jake slides in, acknowleges the fans, offers a high-five to High Flyer, then returns to his corner to warm up as the ref calls for the bell.


GP: This match is underway!

JT: No, really?

High Flyer and Walker start off with a collar-and-elbow lockup. Flyer takes the upper hand with a snapmare, and locks in a reverse chinlock. As he applies pressure, Jake struggles to his feet and forces Flyer to release his grip with a few elbows. Flyer stumbles back, and Jake takes him to the mat with a spinning crescent kick. He follows with a backflip splash, and goes for a cover, but Flyer kicks out at one. Jake pulls Flyer to his feet and hooks for a suplex, but Flyer counters with a double-leg takedown. Jake quickly scrambles to his feet, and Flyer hits a short rolling clothesline, sending Jake sailing into the ropes. He rebounds, and Flyer hits a Samoan drop. He then locks in a Half Boston Crab. Jack writhes in pain on the mat and struggles for the ropes, as Jack and Aubrey cheer him on. He suddenly lunges and catches the bottom rope. The ref calls for Flyer to break the hold, which he does, and crouches in wait for Jake to struggle to his feet and turn around. When he does so, Flyer hooks his neck and nails a reverse DDT. He covers.



GP: Jake Walker kicks out!

JT: Yeah, we can all SEE THAT!

GP: I...I was just sayin'... you know... because...

JT: Whatever. Just call the match.

GP: That's what I was DOING!

JT: Jeez, I'm sorry I asked.

GP: You didn't ask me anything!

JT: God, are you always this nit-picky?

Jake Walker struggles to his feet and ducks a clothesline by High Flyer. Flyer twirls around to face Jake, but gets caught with a boot to the gut and a capture suplex. Jake adds a bridge, but Flyer rolls out of the pin before a count is made. Jake gets up and nails a few stiff jabs, backing Flyer into the corner. Flyer tries to escape, but Jake drives a forearm to his face, knocking him back into the ring post. Jake sets him up on the top, climbs up, and executes a super brainbuster. With Flyer knocked out on the mat, Jake mounts the turnbuckle again, looks back for a second to time his jump, and hits a twisting body press. Flyer rolls away at the last second, and Jake collides with nothing but mat. Flyer gets up and puts the boots to Jake, then lifts him to his feet and whips him into the ropes, then hits a backdrop. Flyer hits the ropes himself, jumps up, and lands a perfect springboard moonsault. He yanks Jake back to his feet once more, and they lock up. Flyer glances around at the crowd in anticipation, and returns his gaze to Jake, who suddenly springs into action and executes a jawbreaker. Flyer clutches his chin and Jake blindsides him with a clothesline. Flyer hits the mat and doesn't move, prompting Jake to once again mount the turnbuckle and sail off with a double-knee drop. This time he connects with Flyer's chest. Flyer stumbles to his feet, and walks right into a waiting Jake Walker, who hooks into a vertical suplex, pauses for a few seconds, then reverses it into a front face pancake.

GP: MY GOD! There's the Purple Haze! Jake Walker practically has this won! There's the cover!





Meygon: Here's your winner, Jake Walker!

"Conduit for Sale!" hits once again as Jack and Aubrey rush into the ring to congratulate Jake. High Flyer pulls himself to his feet, shakes his head, and shakes Jake's hand before stumbling back up the ramp to a wild pop. Jake follows suit, as do Jack and Aubrey.

The camera cuts to the backstage area : more specifically, into the locker room of AWS Man (also known as Bill). The Insane One is sitting on a couch, watching some good old fashioned gangbang porn. AWS Man (also known as Bill) is alone for the moment, except for his trusty spatula manager Pen, who is lying on the couch next to him. AWS Man (also known as Bill) glances around the room, seemingly looking for someone.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Hmm ... I freakin' wonder where the Nude is. He never misses this much porn. Why, I'd reckon he's been gone for at least forty-freakin'-five seconds! Something is amiss...

Pen : ...

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : No, actually, I don't really freakin' think so. But I just like saying "amiss."

Pen : ...

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Well, I can't help it. Stop freakin' judging me! I didn't judge you when you had that addiction to killing brunettes, and you blamed it all on that freakin' guy who you made think his dog was talking to him.

Pen : ...

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : I don't think it is that different.

As the Insane One continues to argue with his apparent serial killer spatula, the camera cuts to the hall outside the locker room, where the Nude is sitting on the ground. As usual, he's not wearing any clothes. God, that sicko. When is he gonna learn that you just don't walk around naked as a jaybird?! It's a breach of social etiquette - plus, he does NOT have the body for it. Oh yeah, I should probably also mention that he's bound and gagged and unconscious, and he's only sitting up because he's propped up against the wall. Someone is standing over him, but the person is wearing a ski mask that hides his identity. Turning, the man opens the door to AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s locker room and steps inside. The camera switches back to the previous view, which doesn't show the mystery man that we now know to be in the room.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : And what about the freakin' time in Tijuana? I don't care how drunk you were, there's no good excuse for THAT many dead Tibetan monks in the freakin' bathroom.

Pen : ...

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Hmm ... I freakin' stand corrected.

Suddenly, a figure rushes AWS Man (also known as Bill) from the side, tackling him off the couch. The attacker starts pounding the Insane One viciously in the side of the head with his elbow. AWS Man (also known as Bill) basically tries to roll the attacker off him while covering the sides of his head with his arms - and, of course, screaming like a girl. Suddenly, he spies something lying on the ground near him, and reaches out his arm, trying to grab something that's just out of his reach.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Must ... freakin' ... reach! Only ... chance to ... stop ... the freakin' ... madness!

He makes one final lunge, and grabs a porn tape lying on the ground next to him.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Ahhh! The power of the freakin' porn empowers me! Be gone, urchin!

The Insane One raises the tape to hit his assailant over the head with, but the mystery person simply smacks the tape out of his hands and continues beating on him. The attacker jumps up and begins stomping a veritable mudhole in AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s stomach, before picking him up and slamming him throat first onto the edge of the coffee table. While AWS Man (also known as Bill) rolls around, clutching his neck, the attacker takes a running start and viciously soccer kicks him in the spine. Not done yet, the attacker picks AWS Man (also known as Bill) up by the hair, backs up, and chucks him right through his television screen. Sparks fly out and smoke starts trailing out through the broken monitor. The mystery person simply turns and walks away, leaving the Insane One in a bloody, broken mess.

GP : My God! We need some paramedics down there NOW!

The scene fades to commercial.

*Commercial Break*

GP: Well, we're back, and I am still in shock at the events that just transpired here. AWS Man (Also Known as Bill), just viciously attacked in his dressing room... I don't believe that this has any connection to the earlier attack on Sam Potright, but then again, you never know.

JT: Could this be the 'poison' that Evan was talking about earlier?

GP: I seriously doubt that. Do you think Evan has the brainpower to mastermind two hit-and-run attacks... for that matter, do you think Evan has any friends who would actually do the work?

JT: Touche.

Tom Ford suddenly appears out of the crowd and slaps JT silly with a giant trout.

JT: What the fuzzy?
GP: You’ll probably like this next match JT.

JT: Oh yeah! HADCORE!!

GP: Like my friend-and I use that term loosely-is saying is the next match up is between IWO Extreme Champion Harold Hash and IWO Legend Syphon Fission.

Meygon takes center ring and begins to announce the competitors in this match.

Meygon: Weighing in at 265 pounds, hailing from Sanginaw, Michgan, a former 2 time IWO World Champion, and current IWO North American Champion....SYYYYYPHOOOOON FIIIIIIIIISSSSSIIIIIIIOOOON!

“Paper Cut” by Linkin Park hits as Syphon Fission appears in the entrance way inciting an immediate pop from the fans in attendance. He walks down to the ring, with his weapon of choice in hand. A shovel.

He rolls under the ring ropes, raises his arms to the fans, receiving another pop, then waits for Harold Hash to come down to the ring.

Meygon: And now coming to the ring, weighing in at an even 235 pounds, hailing from Raleigh, NC, current IWO Extreme and United States Champion...HAAARROOOLD HAAAAAAASSSSSHHHH!!!

“Hacksaw Decapitation” by Cannibal Corpse plays and Harold Hash makes an appearance to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He has both the US and Extreme titles draped over his shoulders in Chris Jericho fashion, and strides cockily down to the ring.

GP: Look at that smug look on his face. I think Hash has gotten a big head ever since he won those titles.

JT: He EARNED those. Anyone who takes a flaming baseball bat to someone’s nuts should be confident.

GP: ...That really didn’t make any sense at all.

JT: Who cares.

Hash enters the ring and the ref calls for the bell

*ding! ding!!*

The ref is about to take the titles and give it to the outside official, but Hash rips it away from him and catches Syphon Fission by surprise with a double title shot to the head.

Hash looks down at Fission, and tosses the titles to the time keeper outside, then makes the cover.



Syphon kicks out, and pops up to his feet. Hash and Syphon Fission trade punches in center ring. Hash blocks a right by Fission and lands a right of his own that sends Syphon Fission reeling.

Harold Hash runs back, bounces off the rope and comes charging in on Syphon but...


Collides with a shovel shot to the forehead. Hash drops to the mat on impact and scrambles out of the ring holding his forehead with blood seeping through his fingers.

JT: He nearly took his head off.

GP: If Hash hadn’t rolled out I think this match might’ve been over already.

Hash begins to walk around the perimeter of the ring, trying to shake off the effects of the spade shot to his head. Syphon Fission slides out of the ring as well, shovel in hand, looking to finish him off once and for all.

Syphon Fission catches up with Hash and slams the spade in the square of Hash’s back. Hash drops to his knees, clutching to the ring apron. Syphon Fission raises the shovel high above his head getting ready for another shot to Hash’s back, but Hash spins around and sends a thick spray of foam into
Syphon Fission’s face.

JT: He gots the fire extinguisher!

Syphon Fission drops the shovel and covers his eyes. Hash raises to his feet and clocks Fission upside the head with the fire extinguisher. Hash mounts Fission and lays in with lefts and rights to the face of Syphon Fission. Hash reaches under the ring and pulls out a table.

Hash begins to set up the table, but before he can finish Syphon Fission attacks with a forearm to the back. Fission grabs Hash and whips him into the guard rail. Hash slumps on the guard rail and Fission sets up the table.

JT: Say how come we never have table matches any more?

GP: Because you touch yourself at night.

JT: *thinks about it* Makes sense.

Fission finishes setting up the table and turns around to get Hash, but Hash was already up and he dropkicks him in the chest. Fission flips over onto the table. Hash climbs the guard rail and flies off with a elbow drop to Fission sending him through the table.

Hash hooks a leg for the pin.



Th-No! Syphon Fission shoulders out before the 3 count.

JT: Dammit. Since when do people start kicking out of getting put through a table?

GP: Since the Regan Administration.

JT: Hey!! *I’M* the random stupidity guy!

Hash lifts Syphon Fission up to his feet and takes him near the announcers table. Hash then drops Fission, and grabs a metal folding chair. Fission slowly gets to his feet and...


Hash sends him back down with a wicked chairshot to the face, busting Fission open. Hash lefts Fission up again, and rears back for a second chairshot but...


Fission clocks him with a monitor laying on the announcers table, smashing the chair back into his face. Fission then pulls out a chair of his own.





Syphon Fission rains down a vicious barrage of chairshots to the body of Harold Hash.

GP: Aw man that is nasty.

JT: I love it!

Syphon Fission drops the now dented chair, and covers.



thr-No! Harold Hash kicks out!

GP: How the hell did he do that?!

JT: It’s gonna take more than that to keep down the Extreme Champ.

Fission rips Hash to his feet angrily and closelines him over the guard rail into the crowd. Hash scrambles to his feet and wades threw the crowd, Fission follows suit.

GP: Where the hell are they going?

Hash makes it to the back and jets threw the concession area. Fission follows but he loses Hash.

GP: Where the hell is he?

JT: That pussy! He left the match.

Fission stands around confused and scans the area.

Fission: Where the fuck is he?

Fission spots a pop corn vender and decides to ask him. The pop corn vender stands behind the stand with his back to Syphon Fission.

SF: Say have you seen Hash come by here?

Vender: *with his back still to Syphon Fission* Nah. You want some popcorn?

SF: Whatever. Looks like the match is over anyways. I want extra butter and...

Syphon Fission trails off as he notices a frighten teen aged boy in his underwear tie up and gagged by the stand.

SF:  Hey, what the hell's going on here?

The vender then turns around and splashes Fission with hot butter. The vendor then rips of the hat and shirt, and reveals himself to be Harold Hash.

JT: It’s Hash! See I told you he wasn’t a pussy!

GP: Hey you’re the one that said that.

JT: But aren’t I?

Hash takes off again. Fission wipes away the butter in his eyes, and chases after Hash in a rage.

The run down a corridor and FOR NO REASON WHAT SO EVER! Two men are moving a sheet of glass across the hall. Hash stops, but Syphon Fission isn’t so lucky. Hash grabs him  as he’s charging in and send him threw the glass.

GP: Ohhhhhhhh!!

JT: That had to hurt.

Hash rips Syphon Fission to his feet, and hooks Syphon Fission for a brainbuster onto the broken glass. Fission counters and goes for a neckbreaker! Hash hits the glass and... no! Hash reverses the neckbreaker, swings around, and nails a facecrusher into the broken glass! He covers for the pin.





Meygon: Here's your winner, Harold Hash!

"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse plays as Hash raises his arms in victory. He is handed his championship belts by the ref, and he stares excitedly into the camera as blood drips down his face.

*Commercial Break *

GP: It's that time again, ladies and gentleman.  In just moments, the IWO World Heavyweight Championship will be on the line.

JT: Parker, it is that time again.  Oh, it's not tea time, it surely isn't Morphin' time because if it was, we would still be in the 90's.  Simon Seaman will put up his title against that absolutely, positively sorry excuse for a human being known as AWS Man (also known as Bill).

GP: Yes, but who knows if AWS Man (also known as Bill) is even able to show up for this match-up.  Moments ago, we saw the brutal attack on the challenger by I don't know who, but I sure as hell have a feeling.

JT: Don't even start, okay?  You heard Simon.  He was on the cell phone talking someone he knows and that's it.  He didn't attack AWS Man (also known as Bill).  I can't believe you think that.  What in you right mind would make you believe that logic?

GP: Maybe cause Seaman is the one man in this company that would do anything to keep that championship around his waist.  You've heard him in the past.  He goes out there night in and night out for one person and one person only. Himself, but if you want to think otherwise, fine by me.

JT: That phone call had nothing to do with anything.  Hear me out.  Simon simply told whoever it was or whoever they were that he wants everything to go as planned.  He could've been speaking with security because you know these IWO fans.  If there exists an opportunity to attack Seaman, they'll do it.  Who knows?  Maybe even the IWO President himself, Thomas Ford.  Ford might not be Seaman's biggest fan, but wouldn't you think the president of a company would want his number one man safe and away from harm?

GP: I'll take those points into consideration, but without further or do, let's take it to the lovely Meygon.

In the middle of the ring, the fans await the match to begin as Meygon puts the microphone up to her mouth.

Meygon: This match is set for one fall and is for the...IWO HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD!

The lights in the arena are turned off momentarily as "Relax" by Powerman 5000 signals the inevitable appearance of one Simon Seaman.  With the arena lights back on, silver and gold strobe lights shine on the entranceway as Simon Seaman slowly strolls out into the open.  He crouches down as he walks with his arms crossed and then in the open, presents himself to the audience standing up and then opens his arms taking in the incredibly negative reaction from the crowd.  Slowly walking down to the ring, several fans start throwing empty cups and wrappers as him.

Meygon: Coming to the ring from the City of Angels, he stands six feet, one inch tall and weighs in at 233 pounds.  He is your IWO WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...SIMON SEAMAN!

Fed up with the barrage of garbage adorning the aisle, he just stands there and looks to his left at the group of fans yelling and heckling at him.  Bending down to pick up a few wrappers, he proceeds to have a shouting match with a group of people.  Eventually, after pointing to his belt, he chucks garbage back at them and then slaps his knee and almost falls over in laughter.  At ringside, he continues to get hit with garbage, but ignores it.

GP: Wait, why is the champion coming out first?  It should be AWS Man (also known as Bill).

JT: Relax, Parker.  AWS Man (also known as Bill) is on his way out and he'll stink up the ring like you always enjoy in due time.  Just be patient.

Sauntering up the steps, he undoes his belt and then parades it over his head as he enters the ring.  After handing it over to the ref, he starts focusing on the task at hand.  The fans in the audience begin to chant obscene names at him and he reacts to that by jumping onto the second turnbuckle and warning the crowd.  Realizing that they're not going to stop anytime soon, Simon waves them off and jumps off the turnbuckle and starts stretching in the ring.

JT: Looks like Seaman is ready to go here.  He has his game face on and it seems as though he's taking this pretty seriously.

GP: Now let's see if AWS Man (also known as Bill) is ready.  You might be right on this one, but I do have my doubts.  All I know is someone attacked AWS Man (also known as Bill) back there and I don't know who.

The crowd is silent as they await the arrival of Seaman's challenger.  Suddenly "Three Point One Four" from the Bloodhound Gang fills the arena as the fans raise their signs up in anticipation of his appearance.  Ring announcer Meygon places the mic back to her mouth in anticipation of AWS Man (also known as Bill), but he is surprisingly nowhere to be seen.  Back in the ring, Simon is seen with an extremely confused facial expression.  Conversing with the referee, the ref shrugs his shoulders as the champ begins to pace back and forth in the ring.

GP: So if AWS Man (also known as Bill) is unable to compete, what's going to happen here?  This is live television, we have no commercial breaks left.  Ladies and gentleman, a very puzzling situation has just reared it's head. We have the champ, but we don't have the challenger.

"Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang is cued as the fans let out a large pop, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) continues to be missing from the picture.  Perched on the top turnbuckle, Simon waits for his opponent to arrive.

JT: I don't know what we can do here.  There maybe a possibility that he could arrive very soon, but we don't for sure.

GP: I've just gotten word that officials are in the back trying to get a hold of him.  Here's hoping that he is healthy enough to compete in this match-up.  I know a great deal of people in this arena and watching in their homes have been anticipating Simon Seaman versus AWS Man (also known as Bill) for quite a while.

The music is played for the third time, but there is still no sign of the challenger present.  Annoyed with the unexpected occurrence, Simon walks over to Meygon and asks for the microphone.  She hands it over to him and he makes his way to the middle of the ring.  Knowing what is coming up next, the fans boo the champ prematurely as he speaks.

Simon: I don't know what AWS Man is trying to pull here.  I have no idea what he is trying to do.  Maybe he's afraid of me, maybe he doesn't think he'll ever be able to beat me and I don't blame him because it's true, but that's not the point.  I'm giving you ten seconds to show your face or you know what's going to happen.  If you don't show up in ten seconds, the ref is going to raise my hand in victory.  So what will it be AWS Man?

Walking over to the set of ropes closest to the ramp, Simon begins counting as the fans count along with him.

Simon: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, fiv...

Kicking the bottom rope in frustration, Simon raises his voice as he speaks to the audience.

Simon: Did I tell to count with me?  No, so you don't have to prove to me that you can count because I know for a fact that all of you, at least, have passed kindergarten.

The negative reaction gets louder and louder as Simon continues to count.

Simon: Five, four, three, two,

Walking over to the ref, he demands him to raise his hand.

Simon: Raise my hand.  You heard me.  Raise my hand.  Don't be afraid.  It's not going to try to violate you.

Reluctantly reaching for his arm, "Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang blasts through the speakers as the fans go absolutely wild as AWS Man (also known as Bill) makes his appearance.  Dropping the mic on the ground with a shocked look on his face, Meygon picks up the mic and walks out of the ring noticing the way AWS Man (also known as Bill) is walking with a purpose.  Pointing to the champ in the ring, Simon keeps his ground as the challenger walks up the steel steps and into the ring.

GP: There he is!

JT: How the hell did he do that?  Why is he out here?!

GP: He's got heart.  That's all I can say.

The ref signals to ring the bell to start the match as Simon backpedals  into the corner pleading with his opponent for mercy.  Motioning the champ to make his way to the middle of the ring, Seaman stares back at the crowd not knowing what to do. Unwillingly stepping forward, the fans get riled awaiting to two to square off.  With the crowd behind AWS Man (also known as Bill) one hundred percent, Seaman puts out his right hand for the challenger to shake it.  Showing good sportsmanship, Simon asks his opponent to shake his hand.  Pausing for a minute, AWS Man (also known as Bill) glances down at the canvas and violently slaps Seaman's hands.  Tending to it, he circles around in pain before putting his game face back and preparing for a tie-up. The ref urges them to begin the match and they do so.  In a tie-up, AWS Man (also known as Bill) gets the upper hand and shoves Simon into the corner.

GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) means business.  He wants that title and he wants to be the one who beats Simon Seaman for it.

Absolutely furious, Seaman shakes the cobwebs out and executes another tie-up with his opponent, struggling to get the advantage.  Finally getting the advantage, the champ throws his opponent down to the mat.  Remarkably, AWS Man (also known as Bill) ends up laying there motionless as Simon walks over to the corner and poses on the second turnbuckle.

GP: Wait, why is he still down?

JT: Maybe he's still recovering from the attack earlier in the evening.  That might be it, you never know.

Stepping down from the turnbuckle, Simon stares down at his opponent and slowly picks him up.  With AWS Man (also known as Bill) showing no signs of movement, the champ signals for a big move coming up.  Hooking him, he pushes his adversary away and pokes him with his index finger as AWS Man (also known as Bill) falls to the canvas.  Laying still on the mat, Simon uses the ropes to pull himself up, pretending to be unbelievably exhausted.  The fans start to show their appreciation for the match.

GP: Hold on a minute, what is going on?

JT: Seaman is making a mockery of AWS Man (also known as Bill)!

Pulling himself to a standing position, Seaman bounces off the ropes once and then comes down with a monster leg drop.

GP: Does anyone know what's happening here because I'd really like to know?!

Standing up, he faces the crowd and cups his hand against his ear as he hears the boos, then switches his attention to his opponent and kneels down, placing a single hand to AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s chest.  Demanding the ref to make the count, the referee argues with the champ a little bit before dropping to the mat and counting the one, two, three.  As the bell is rung to signal the end of the match, Simon exaggerates his win by jumping all over the ring.  With the belt handed to him, he motions to the referee to put it around the champ's waist.  The crowd becomes agitated this and try to boo him out of the building.  As the ref finishes the task at hand, Simon pushes him aside and walks over to AWS Man (also known as Bill).  Lying on the mat, Simon helps him up and then tries to take the mask off him.

JT: Yes!  He's taking off his AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s mask!  Finally he will be revealed to the world!

GP: Who does he think he is?  He takes advantage of him after that vicious attack earlier and the show and how he thinks showing the real AWS Man (also known as Bill) to the world is perfectly fine.  He can't even defend himself for goodness sake.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) tries to hold onto his mask, but it's too late as Seaman rips it off and throws it into the audience.  Unveiling the man under the mask, a wig also falls to the mat as the crowd is in shock as to who the person is.

JT: OH MY GOD!  The secret has finally been revealed!  Nuke is AWS Man (also known as Bill)!

GP: No, he isn't!  Nuke was the one who attacked AWS Man (also known as Bill).  Nuke was the one Seaman was speaking on the phone, damn it!  I can't believe this!

Nuke raises Seaman's hand as they pose in the middle of the ring.  Slapping hands, they make their way to opposite corners of the ring.  On the second turnbuckle, they pose for the fans as the garbage is once again aimed towards them.

JT: Seaman and Nuke had you fooled all along?  My goodness was that easy!

GP: What are you talking about?  You had no idea either.

JT: What do you mean?  Only a jackass wouldn't know what was about to happen tonight.  This was excellent.  I can't believe they pulled it off.

"Relax" by Powerman 5000 blares through the speakers as Simon poses with his belt and Nuke has a shouting match with the fans.  The crowd's boos turns to cheers as an individual runs down to the ring.  Everybody but Seaman and Nuke notices Schitzo slide into the ring seeking for revenge.

GP: Schitzo Tod!  Schitzo Tod is here!

JT: He has no right to be out here!  An ally of AWS Man (also known as Bill) has come for some payback.

GP: If they don't want to get their asses handed to them, they better take notice really soon.

JT: That hangnail Schtizo Tod got from the "Underpaid Legion of Disgruntled Wrestlers" has reared it's ugly head!  Look behind you guys!

Stepping down from the turnbuckles, they stand there surprised by Schitzo Tod's arrival.  As the champ stares at Nuke from across they ring, the count down from three before they attack.  Nuke is the first one to charge Schitzo Tod, but is unsuccessful as he is thrown up and over the top rope and onto the floor.  Taking a deep breath, Seaman goes next and runs at Schitzo Tod with a clothesline, but Tod ducks and as the Seamn turns around and nails him with TAM (Tod Annihilation Maneuver (Kick To The Shin)).  As he favours his shin, Schitzo cleans house as he punches Nuke back down to the floor and kicks Seaman out of the ring.  Scrambling to grab his title, he helps Nuke up as they witness Schitzo Tod taking in the crowd's cheers.  Warning him from afar, Seaman limps as he backpedals up the ramp as Nuke holds onto the back of his head.

GP: How do you like them apples, Nuke?  How about it, champ?  Schitzo Tod got his revenge.

JT: This isn't right!  Schitzo Tod can't do this!  He just can't!

GP: You can't do anything about it now.  He just did.

JT: Schtizo Tod deserves a big congratulations because I bet Seaman has just put him on his hit list.

As Schitzo Tod follows them, Seaman and Nuke make a run for it as the show wraps up.

GP: Well, this is certainly an unusual turn of events! Uhm... well, I guess for JT and the IWO staff, this is Greg Parker saying goodnight!

*Fade Out *