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Hostile Takeover
Peaceful... It wasn't really a word that was uttered much around the walls of the Internet Wrestling Organization, but when it was, a sigh of relief was uttered closeby. The Calming... But with every calm state of mind, something anxiously awaited to end it all. Something lurked in the shadows, waiting for the right time when the perfect time to strike would be known to the world. Would that be tonight?"

(The camera was backstage, in the locker room office of Thomas Ford. He figured a couple weeks ago that it would probably be easiest if he was closer to the wrestlers, since that's all they ever seem to want from him, on air booking time. He always wondered why they didn't come before the show, and always seemed to wait until start time to make their presence known. Ford let out a sigh of relief. The show had started, and he had let to hear a knock on his doors. Usually there's a line of wrestlers just waiting to get some face time with the president, but tonight, there was nothing... Ford shrugged it off. It may have been an ackward calm, but it was better than no calm at all... Or so he thought.)

Hostile Takeover
Live, From The Cow Palace
San Fransisco, California

("Stinkfist" by Tool plays softly in the background, as the IWO logo fades in to a black screen. The logo explodes just as the main guitar riff cuts in. The black screen is then replaced by hundreds of screeming fans. Bob, The Cameraman, pans his camera around the arena, searching for signs. The first sign he spots reads "FUNK DAT SHIZ YO!" the next sign reads "CHENO FUNKIN RULES!" And the next reads "CAZ I R DA BOMB! w00t!" Oh wait... That's the stoner section. Okay, Bob get us some real signs. Here we go: "Three Years and Counting!", "Nuke My Fuzzy Area!" and finally... "TDM Used To Work in My Crap of a Restaurant!" Okay, now let's fade over to the announcers... Bob.. I said fade over to the announcers... STOP LOOKING AT THE GIRL'S CLEAVAGE, BOB! There... Much better.)

Greg Parker (GP): FANS...


GP: Hey! You stole my line!

JT: Yes, becuase you say it all the time... You unoriginal bastard.

GP: =P

JT: Parker... I don't think people can see you making internet chat faces at me if this was a real TV show. So, stop it.

GP: Sheesh, JT, why is there a stick in your ass?

JT: Honestly... I miss Nikki.

GP: Oh?

JT: Yes, I miss Nikki. I miss her hair, I miss her eyes.. And most of all, I miss her breats.



GP: It wasn't me!

JT: Well... SOMONE slapped me!

GP: I think your lust for Nikki has driven you insane... Insane to the point where you IMAGINE being slapped by Her.

JT: Whatever.

GP: Anyway fans, we've got an awesome show for you tonight!

JT: Yes... A whopping... TWO MATCHES! WOO! I'm so excited. In fact, I'm so excited that I poop myself. See? Can you smell the defecation? That's defecation of excitement.

GP: Feh. Why don't we cut to some backstage filler segments?

JT: Fine with me.

(The scene fades to the Psychic Porn 'N Go in good old Minneapolis, Minnesota. Rob Kestler is at his psychic booth, playing with a slice of cheese, and Vagrond is at the counter, doing Vagrond-like stuff. Suddenly, Schitzo Tod bursts through the front door, then runs up to Kestler.)

Rob Kestler: TOD!

Schitzo Tod: ROB!

Rob Kestler: Derp.

Schitzo Tod: Sinep.

Rob Kestler: Teehee, you said "penis" backwards.

Schitzo Tod: And you said "penis" frontwards!

Rob Kestler: INDEED! So, what can I do for you?

Schitzo Tod: I got this crazy letter...

(Tod hands Rob a letter that reads "WATCH YOUR STEP TOD! I AM GOING TO GET YOU!")

Schitzo Tod: What do you make of it?

Rob Kestler: It means... You are pregnant.

Schitzo Tod: Qua?

Rob Kestler: Oops! Sorry, I'm watching a Miss Cleo commercial. I think it means... You should watch your step because someone is going to get you.


Schitzo Tod: Damn... Damn it all!

Rob Kestler: Derp.

(The scene fades out. Backstage, we crowd greets the arrival of Simon Seaman a silver limousine with a negative reaction. Stepping out of the vehicle, Simon takes off the sunglasses on his head and places it in his yellow jacket pocket. As the limo driver walks over to Simon, the world champion stares at the top of the limousine, absolutely furious as he opens his own door. As the driver is late in opening the door for him, Simon simply ignores him and shoves him in the face. The driver falls backwards as Simon shuts the door loudly. Glancing around him, he is distracted by something on the top of the limo that gets his attention. Showing his distaste for whatever it might be, he slams his hands against the vehicle and shouts.)

Simon: What is a scratch doing on my limousine? It has no point being there. Someone take it off.

(Noticing on the pavement the limo driver struggling to make it to his feet, Simon helps him up and then slaps him in the back of the head.)

Simon: What are you doing on the ground? I didn't pay you to just sit there and do nothing. That's my job.

(Showing him the small, insignificant scratch just above the limo door, he expresses his dislike for it.)

Simon: You see that? You see that scratch? I didn't shell out all that money of mine so you could be careless with my limousine. Is this how you treat the IWO World Heavyweight Champion? Is this how you treat your mother? You don't send her "I hope to damage your automobile" cards, do you? So be smart and don't do that to me. I'm the best wrestler of 2002 for goodness sake.

(Regaining his composure, the limo driver reluctantly responds.)

Limo Driver: Sir, this limousine was paid by the Internet Wrestling Organization.

(In disbelief, Simon glares at the limo driver.)

Simon: Who told you to talk?

(Shrugging his shoulders, he responds.)

Limo Driver: I don't know.

(About to strike him, Simon takes a deep breath and calms himself down. He lets his fist drop to his side as he points to the trunk.)

Simon: Is that going to open by itself?

Limo Driver: My apologies, sir.

(Opening the trunk for him, Simon grabs his bags out of it and makes his way into the arena as the voices of GP and JT interrupt. He then starts to say something under his breath)

Simon: I'll apology

JT: The champ is here!

GP: Just great. Simply put, just great.

JT: You took the words right out of my mouth!

GP: How about the brown from your nose? Is that gone yet?

JT: Excuse me?
***Commercial Break***
(The camera fades in to the office of Tom Ford. The Cheif Executive Officer of IWO is lounging in his chair, when he hears a knock at the door. Tom looks up, and yells at whoever is knocking to come in. To Tom's suprise, in walks OvO: EL POLLO DIABLO: THE DEVIL CHICKEN, Butt Thrilligan, The Last Eskimo, and Koala Carter.)
Tom Ford: Jesus Christ! What the hell are you all doing here?
OvO: Tom, you now quacking well why we are here.
Butt Thrilligan: Justice!
Tom Ford: I don't get it… You want what?
OvO: Me, Thrilligan, The Last Eskimo, and Koala are FED UP with your quacking bull dung! The four of as are the fmost UNDERPAYED wrestlers in IWO… Hell, SCOTT STYLES makes more then we do COMBINED!
Tom Ford: You guys are secondary characters. We don't need you…
Koala Carter: But that's where you're wrong, mate!
Butt Thrilligan: You DO need us!
Tom Ford: *sigh* Look guys, there's not much I can tell you…
The Last Eskimo: Oh… But there is LOTS The Last Eskimo can tell YOU! Like how The Last Eskimo is the last of his kind… And how YOU stole the Last Eskimo's land.
Tom Ford: Alaska?
The Last Eskimo: The world, the Eskimo outer religious realm, the moon, and most of Jupiter.
Tom Ford: I did this?
The Last Eskimo: You, the white man.
OvO: We are getting off of the topic here.
Tom Ford: Which is?
OvO: Simple… We want more air time, more money, and action figures!
Tom Ford: Look… You guys are JOKES, not real wrestlers. IWO has never had a joke wreslter make it big!
Koala Carter: Hey… What about those Mega Job fellows, mate?
Koala Carter: Why did Mega Job get big, mate?
Tom Ford: I.. I.. Um..
Butt Thrilligan: EVEN HUGER THEN MY-
(The four men storm out of Tom's office.)
GP: Ladies and gentleman, welcome back to Hostile Takeover. If you didn't know already, but who wants to know in the first place?

JT: Hey, watch your mouth you no mouth watcher.

GP: Nonetheless, IWO World Champion Simon Seaman has arrival and for those of you who want to change the channel at this moment, I highly encourage you to do so because he's coming out here tonight more sooner than later.

JT: Parker, you have a lot of nerve to talk about and ridicule an individual who, in fact, cannot even be present to defend himself. You think you can get away with what you said? Forget about that, mister "Play-by-play" announcer, mister "I'm better than you because you hear more talk from me per broadcast", mister "I'm too ugly to be in show business or Hollywood so that's why you don't see me on camera". I've got news for you. You'll get yours. Believe you me. Don't shake your head at me because that's what I just said. Believe you me. All I ask is what do you want on your tombstone?

GP: Pepperoni and cheese, so shut up.


GP: By the way, we have a show that's happening right now, so let's move on. Great card lined up for you tonight. What you have just seen is just the tip of the iceberg of a jammed packed evening we have in store. Just sit...

("Relax" by Powerman 5000 hits the speakers as the crowd instantaneously rises to their feet in anticipation of his appearance. Placing their signs up high above their heads, the audience begins to prematurely boo the world champion. As gold and silver strobe lights emanate from the entranceway, Simon Seaman arrives, wasting no time walking down to the ring with a purpose. Wearing a bright yellow suit over a black shirt, he holds the world title firmly in his right hand as he enters the ringside area.)

GP: Spoke too soon.

JT: I've just got the word from a man by the name of Nielson Ratings or Mr. Ratings which is what he likes to be called. You know, the guy who's in charge of the ratings? He told me on my cellular phone that the ratings for Hostile Takeover just went up by 300% due to Simon Seaman's presence. That is absolutely, positively astounding.

GP: Good guy, right?

JT: Overall yes. He can be moody sometimes which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

(An extremely vocal fan near the ring steps starts yelling at Simon as he places his foot on the first step. Trying to ignore him, Simon just shrugs it off until more people around the fan begin heckling with him. Slowly turning around, he starts up a conversation with the group. Politely introducing himself to the group, he places out his hand. As one fan seeks to shake his hand, Simon quickly pulls it away and tells him to talk to the title. Up the steps, he stares back at them with a smirk on his face as he makes his way into the ring. With the crowd firmly against him, he pretends they enjoy his company and jumps onto the second turnbuckle to take in their
non-existent cheers. Stepping down from it, he walks over to the other side of the ring and asks for a microphone. The ring announcer hands one to him while he drapes his world title over the top rope. The camera zooms into
his somewhat ticked off expression before backing off. Simon begins to walk back and forth in the ring awaiting the crowd to quiet down. Not willing to be silent, Simon begins to speak in spite of the fact that the crowd isn't
respecting him. Standing motionless in the middle of the ring, he stares up at the crowd.)

Simon: I have something to say. Something important to tell you all so you better do two things. Listen and move somewhere else.

(In response to his insult, they get even louder.)

JT: Seriously, why do people live in San Francisco? What's good in here? You have to pay to drive on the Golden Gate Bridge. That is ridiculous. I say use a boat.

GP: How about no?

(Continuing to annoy him, Simon glances at the crowd in disbelief.)

Simon: This is how you treat me? After all I've done, all the hardships I've been through. This is how you treat the IWO World Heavyweight Champion?!

(Cheers from the audience are heard as well as applause.)

Simon: I can't believe this. You expect me to tell you something for nothing? Well how about I just relinquish my world title to some guy in the audience? Would you like that? Here, who wants my title?

(Several people start yelling at Simon to hand them the title along with kids in the audience trying to get his attention.)

Simon: Would you like this shiny belt, sir? How about you, ma'am? Heck, how about I just drop everything, wrap this title up with wrapping paper, place a pretty little bow on top of it and personally deliver it to your door.

(More and more people vie for Simon's attention, throwing up their hands and signs. Ignoring them, he turns around and continues.)

Simon: Just as I suspected. No one wants this title.

GP: Is Seaman deaf or blind or what?

JT: He's what.

(Scratching his head, he puts the mic up to his mouth.)

Simon: So here is what I'm going to do for you tonight. Here live, I'm going to te...

("Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang blares through the speakers as the crowd stands up from their seats as Simon just stands there. From the entranceway, AWS Man (also known as Bill) makes his way down to the ring.)
GP: Take a look at this reaction!

JT: Folks, you can change the channel now.

(Rolling his eyes obviously annoyed, Seaman puts his hands against his hips as AWS Man (also known as Bill) hops up onto the ring apron and enters the ring via between the ropes. Turning his back to him, Seaman just tries not to make eye contact with him. Glancing back at him remembering what the champ did last Takeover, AWS Man (also known as Bill) stops for a minute
before scaling the turnbuckles and present himself to the fans. Finally acknowledging his company, Simon nonchalantly waves to him as AWS Man (also known as Bill) steps down. As they stare at each other from opposite corners, AWS Man (also known as Bill) gradually strolls over into the middle of the ring. Seaman is reluctant at first, looking back at the crowd, but then walks over to him. His music stops as AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes to ask for another microphone, but as Meygon is about to hand one over
to him, Simon intervenes and tells her to go back to her seat. Wondering what's wrong, AWS Man (also known as Bill) just stands there as Simon gazes at the canvas and then looks up at him. With sentiment in his tone of voice, the champion speaks his mind even though the crowd shows their disapproval yet again.)

Simon: AWS Man, who in their right mind would think that coming out here in the middle of my promo would be perfectly okay? Do you have no courtesy? No class? When did I ever interrupt one of your promos? Yeah, that's right. I never did. When was it okay for you to barge into my allotted television time and say what you would like to say? I know where this is going AWS Man, or how I like to call you, Ah-Wu-Su Man. You came out here to get cheered from the fans and demand a world title shot from yours truly. Isn't that right? That's what you came here to do, but you know something? No.

GP: What does he mean by no? After what Simon did to him last Takeover, AWS Man (also known as Bill) should get a shot at the champ. Not only did Seaman interfere in his match, he attacked him afterwards.

JT: It's the principle. You don't call the grass green and the sky blue and you don't talk about Simon Seaman like AWS Man (also known as Bill) did.

(Walking over to the edge of the ring, he walks back to AWS Man (also known as Bill) as he just stands there with his arms folded hearing what Simon has to say.)

Simon: This isn't going to happen this way. High Flyer thought he could just come out here and ask for a shot and he got one. Being the nice guy I always am, I let him have his moment in the sun before I, how do you say? Oh, I forgot. Wait a minute, now I know. I retired his ass and don't even tell me I didn't get the job done because I did. He might be back now, but you know where he is? A few months ago, he was a main eventer in the Internet Wrestling Organization and you know where he ended up? Wrestling
in curtain jerker opening matches for a title that people and their mothers don't want.

GP: Guys, can we go to commercial or something? I don't want to hear this.

JT: Parker, tell you what. I don't want to hear you right now. So if you don't want to hear this, fine. Just sit back on your lazy ass like you always do because there are people that are interested in the truth.

Simon: Next up is Matt Rivers.

(The mere mention of his name creates a loud pop as Simon walks up to the ropes and addresses the fans.)

Simon: People, you cheer for him, but that's not going to make him any better of a wrestler. Maybe cheer for him again and he'll come back.

(The audience lets out a big Matt Rivers chant as Simon stares at the entranceway. After a while, Seaman continues.)

Simon: That's what I thought. He's nowhere to be seen.

(AWS Man (also known as Bill) lets Simon talk, staring at him as he walks around the ring.)

Simon: Matt Rivers asked for title shot after title shot and being the great humanitarian, he received title shot after shot. Yes, he did. You know why I let him try to get my title? Because I knew the outcome of every confrontation between Simon Seaman and Matt Rivers. It was simple, elementary so to speak. The outcome was Rivers staring up at the rafters as the referee counted the one, two, three. Not once, not twice, but three times.

JT: Too true, too true. Testify my good man!

(Behind AWS Man (also known as Bill), Seaman sneaks up and counts with his fingers to three as he lists off his victories.)

Simon: Autumn in Hell, Simon Seaman defeats Matt Rivers to become the IWO World Heavyweight Champion. Utter Obliteration, Simon Seaman defeats Matt Rivers. Ice Age 4, the biggest Pay-Per-View of them all, the biggest of the year and once again, Matt Rivers loses. I'm not heralded as the "Best Wrestler of 2002" for nothing.

GP: Best Wrestler of 2002? Can someone pinch him because I think he's dreaming?

(Slowly walking around to face him face to face, AWS Man (also known as Bill) glances at the world champion with a blank expression.)

Simon: So here we are standing in a wrestling ring today, AWS Man demanding a title shot from the world champion. Is it going to happen? Am I going to be generous? Are you going to face me?

(Taking a moment to gather his thoughts and final decision, Simon stares down at his shoes and then responds by yelling right in AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s face.)

Simon: No, no, no!

(Storming over to the ropes, he kicks the bottom rope in frustration as he makes his way back to AWS Man (also known as Bill), pointing at him with a furious look on his face.)

Simon: When did I ever ask something from you, AWS Man? When did I ever ask a favour from you? While you were winning all those titles you won, did I ever ask you for a shot? I never even bothered to once for I knew that the answer would be no. You can't come out here and expect to get a title shot. "AWS Man (also known as Bill)" or whatever the hell you want to call yourself, don't assume that just because we used to be friends, doesn't mean we are now and that doesn't equal you getting a favour in the form of a world title opportunity.

(Wiping the sweat off his brow, Simon proceeds with his rant.)

Simon: By the way, when will the time come when the Internet Wrestling Organization stops giving titles to complete and utter jokes? I guess the more screwed up and insane you're really are, the more titles and titles shot you will get in return. Look at you, AWS Man. Look at you. An IWO Grand Slam Champion. A former IWO Television Champion, US Champion, Pacific Champion, Tag Champion, Extreme Champion, North American and World Champion. You had it all.

GP: He stepped over the line now. He has a lot of audacity to say something like that.

JT: These feelings have been kept inside for so long. He's trying to let it off his chest. I don't see what's wrong with it.

(Poking him in the shoulder with his finger, AWS Man (also known as Bill) just looks down at Simon's finger as he does it.)

Simon: So what in god's name were the IWO big wigs smoking when they let you have those championship title reigns? Take a look at yourself. Look at what you are wearing.

(The crowd gets behind AWS Man (also known as Bill) to take Seaman out. Urging him to attack the world champion right then and there, AWS Man (also known as Bill) keeps it cool and doesn't let Simon's comments faze him.)

GP: Simon's one to talk.

JT: The truth hurts, Parker. So I'll say this. Just stop talking. Don't let me shove some truth where the sun don't shine.

Simon: You look like you're a damn chess board. You hang out not only with a grown, but nude man, but a spatula as well. Why, why, why is there reason to do what you do? Is that going to get you credibility? Because you talk to a kitchen tool and a guy who shows brain on purpose?! All I hear from you is freakin', freakin', freakin', freakin' and you're proud of that?
You're proud of who you are and what you have become?

(Pretending to weep, Simon just shakes his head and puts his head down in shame.)

Simon: So you want a clearer answer? You want to know, after all I've said, if AWS Man (also known as Bill) still gets a chance to become the IWO World Champion?

JT: Yes, tell him now. Don't leave us hanging.

GP: Why do I have the feeling that his evil twin is going to show up and try to kill him.

(Taking a deep breath while staring up at the rafters, Simon stomps his feet on the ground and raises his voice.)


GP: Simon should stop being a damn baby about everything. Why does he have to do this?

Simon: No one has ever thanked me once for saving this company. You people watching at home, in this arena, and in the back, don't you dare say that's a lie. Don't you dare say that's a lie.

GP: That's a lie.

JT: He told you not to say that! Can't you listen?

(Looking at the IWOTron in the background, he switches his attention to it.)

Simon: If it wasn't for me, the Internet Wrestling Organization wouldn't even exist. If it wasn't for Simon Seaman, these fans wouldn't even be in this arena watching Hostile Takeover. That IWOTron would've been on EBay by now. This ring would've been property of someone else's company. Parker and JT would be calling cock fighting matches in Mexico if it wasn't for me,
but most of all. Most of all, AWS Man would not have a job.

GP: Cock fighting?

JT: I wouldn't mind it really because, by golly, those roosters can go.

Simon: I saved this company. I took it under my wing. I took that ball and ran with it and look what has happened now. Don't even tell me all this would not be possible without me because once again, you'd be lying.

(Marching over to the corner, Simon turns his back to AWS Man (also known as Bill). Leaning against the top turnbuckle, AWS Man (also known as Bill) slowly leaves the ring and drops down to the floor.)

GP: Wait, what is AWS Man (also known as Bill) doing?

JT: I think he's heard enough. Hold on, he's leaving the ring.

(Rummaging for something at ringside, he walks over to the timekeeper's table and is unable to find what he is searching for. Without Simon noticing, AWS Man (also known as Bill) walks over to the ring skirt and
lifts it up as he carries with his spiel.)

Simon: I never got a thank you, a mere mention of my name as the saviour of this here company, yet you know how long I have held this title? I might be exaggerating here and I sincerely apologize if I am, but since the beginning of the history of man. I practically gave each and every Internet Wrestling Organization employee a roof to live under, clothes to put on their families' backs and food in order for them to survive. Yet, I get nothing.

(The crowd spurts out cheers as AWS Man (also known as Bill) slides out a steel chair from under the ring. Quietly sliding under the bottom rope, he pulls himself up and waits for Simon to turn around. Not stopping, AWS Man (also known as Bill) mimics Simon's movements as the champ looks into the crowd.)

JT: Oh no, I hope AWS Man (also known as Bill) isn't thinking what I think he's thinking.

GP: You better believe it.

JT: Turn around champ, turn around. Hear the words that are coming from my mouth for goodness sake. Look behind you!

Simon: I'm fed up with people like you thinking you can just ask for something and get it. Life isn't like this and the same goes with the IWO as far as my world championship is concerned. Out of all the things you could have done to even let me consider the thought of giving you a title shot, you didn't even do the one thing that was needed to do so. You didn't even say please. So a world title shot for AWS Man is not going to happen. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever. So it's final. I hope you can deal with the truth. So what do you say AWS Man? How about it?

(Backpedaling for a few steps, Simon turns around and without warning, gets clocked by a stiff chairshot. The fans go absolutely wild as AWS Man (also known as Bill) throws the chair down and picks up the microphone.)

GP: Did you hear that?

JT: Why did he do that?! Why?!

(Looking at the crowd, AWS Man (also known as Bill) leans over and speaks into the mic just over Simon.)

AWS Man (also known as Bill): If you've changed your mind and you want to give AWS Man (also known as Bill) a title shot in the not too distant future, say freakin' absolutely nothing.

(The fans in the arena erupt in applause and laughter as AWS Man (also known as Bill) hovers the mic over Simon's face for a split second before taking it away.)

AWS Man (also known as Bill): Whatever you freakin' say, champ.

(Throwing the microphone down, "Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang hits the speakers as AWS Man (also known as Bill) exits the ring.)

JT: This is bad. this is very, very bad. We need a doctor. Scrap that. We need nurses. Scrap that. We need those hot nurses you see in p...actually we just need help over here. Let's just leave it at that. Simon's hurt, damn it!

GP: Finally. Now we know what to do to shut Simon up.

(Showing signs of movement, Simon crawls over to the corner to grab his title which fell from the top rope. As AWS Man (also known as Bill) looks on, he acknowledges the crowd. Dragging the title over to him, Simon attempts to pull himself up from the canvas, but fails. At the top of the ramp, AWS Man (also known as Bill) glances behind his shoulder at the IWOTron and Simon pointing at him favouring his head.)

JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) is going to get his. Believe you me.

GP: Would you stop saying that?

JT: We need help over here!

GP: They know that! What do you want the people at home to do? Enter through their televisions and help Simon Seaman? Excuse my broadcast partner, ladies and gentleman. We'll back right after this.

JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) will pay.
***Commercial Break***
GP: Tag team action! YAY!
JT: I don't think we've seen tag team action since I've tagged up with your dad against your mom and sister!
GP: JT… You've lost your funny.
JT: I know… I know…
Meygon: The following contest is for one fall! Introducing first… Weighing in at a combined rate of about… 500 pounds… The Italian Mobsters: Joey Sooner, and Mikey… CA-
("Johnny" by System Of A Down cuts of Meygon as the crowd lets out a huge pop. Those Damned Mexicans, Edguardo and Diablo, enter, and walk down towards the ring. They both walk of to the commentary booth, to join Parker, and JT. "Dupa Blocuri" by B.U.G Mafia then plays as The Italian Mobsters enter.)

GP: Well, Diablo, Edguardo. What a surprise to see you two out here.

Diablo: Well, we just came down to check out our competition.

Edguardo: ..Gravy.

Diablo: Next week, we put our belts on the line against whoever wins this match.

Edguardo: More gravy.

JT: Heh, what do you guys think of think of the Italian Mobsters? Do they looks tough?

Diablo: What, you think we are scared of two Italians? Please… They should be fearing us! I mean, they don't know what us Mexicans put in their drinks at seven-eleven.

JT: Ah.

("Space Suit" by They Might be Giants hits, and the crowd cheer wildly for the fan favorites, has Jake and Jack appear on the entrance way, with Aubrey not far behind. They take a few seconds to play to the fans, before dashing into the rings. The second they slide under Joey and Mikey pounce stomping them to the
mat. The assault continues until the referee pulls Joey Sooner and Jake Breaker away, and orders them to their respective corners. The ref then causes for the bell.)

*Ding Ding!*

GP: And this match is off to a start.

JT: Jesus, Greg you didn't have to announce it.

GP: I like announcing the start . :-(

JT: You big baby.

(Joey and Jack reside to opposite sides of the ring, leaving Mikey Capitali and Jake Walker in the ring. Walker is still down on the canvas from the pre-match attack at the hands of the Mobsters, and Mikey continues to pick away at him with kicks to the ribs. Mikey lifts Jake Walker to his feet, and slams him down with a hard scoop slam. Mikey gives Jake Walker a standing leg drop, and pulls him to his feet once again. Mikey grabs Jake Walker, and whips him into the ropes. Jake rebounds, and Mikey drops down for a back body slam, Jake sees it however, and frog leaps over Mikey Capitali's body.)

JT: Insert witty JT paragraph break here.

(Mikey turns to face Jake, and Jake bounces of the ropes with a flying clothesline taking Mikey down to the mat. Jake hooks the leg for the cover, but Mikey kicks out at one. Mikey scrambles to his feet, but Jake takes him down with a standing dropkick, sending Mikey into the turnbuckle. Joey Sooner decides to tag
himself by slapping Mikey on the back, and knocks the charging Jake Walker off his feet, with a lariat from the top rope.)

GP: And a lariat from the top rope!

(I already said that.)

GP: Sorry…

(Joey picks up Jake Walker and brings him crashing to the canvas with stalling vertical suplex. Joey gets to his feet, and taunts to the crowd, which responds back by booing.)

GP: Now they're getting a reaction-an unfavorable one-but a reaction nonetheless.

JT: I thought everyone liked Italians...and the Hispanics.

GP: And just what are you basing that on JT?

JT: My observations.

GP: What observations? You stay locked up in a motel watching scrambled
porn most of the time your not at the announcing table. When did you observe this?

JT: hate you Greg.

GP: :-)

JT: Diablo… Edguardo, Why so silent?

Diablo: Oh, that's right… We're supposed to be out here for a reason…

(Joey takes a moment to absorb the negative attention from the fans, before pull up Jake by the hair and tossing him into the turnbuckle, he then tags in Mikey Capitali, and the two double mudhole stomp Jake Walker in the corner.)

GP: Jake as yet to make a tag in this match.

JT: The Mobsters are using that Italian know how to keep them away.

GP: ...Shut up you idiot.

JT: You can't make me!

(Mikey locks Jake Walker in a sitting sleeper hold. He applies more and more pressure to the hold, robbing Jake of oxygen. Jake looks as if he's about to pass out, but makes a desperate lounge for the ropes, and grabs it. The ref tells Mikey to release, the hold. Mikey grudgingly obliges, stopping a second to trash talk the ref, before pulling Jake up to his feet. Jake Walker, escapes Mikey's grasps with a jaw breaker, which sent Capitali snapping back toward the ropes. Jake scrambles over to his corner and tags in Jack Breaker. Jack attacks quickly, bringing Mikey down with a knee lift to the face. Capitali pops back up quickly, only to be taken down again with a Japanese armdrag. Jack Breaker holds onto the arm, and takes Mikey down with a short arm clothesline. Jack Breaker works the arm again, locking in an arm scissors.)

GP: That must hurt.

(Breaker holds the move for a few seconds, then lets Mikey go. Capitali, favoring his right arm, uses the ropes to pull himself up to his feet, Breaker grabs him and rolls him up in a small package.)



(Capitali kicks out before three. Breaker whips Mikey into the ropes, but Capitali reverses it and sends Jack into the ropes. Mikey then levels him with a charging clothesline. Capitali makes the tag out to Joey Sooner.Sooner scraps Jack Breaker off the and nails him with an Italian Piledriver. Breaker's head slams of the mat, and he lays prone on the canvas. Joey gives the cut throat sign, signaling for the end. He climbs to the top rope, and flies off the top with a Guillotine Leg drop, but Jack Breaker rolls out of the way. Joey crashes to the canvas. Joey takes a moment to regain himself, then heads for Jack Breaker. He pulls Jack up and goes for another Italian Piledriver, but Breaker fight out of it and spikes Joey Sooner's head into the mat with a Clockwork DDT. The ref makes the count.)



(Thr-No the ref waves it off, as he sees Joey's leg on the bottom rope. Jack Breaker sighs in frustration, and tags in his partner Jake Walker. Joey makes his way to his corner but Jake grabs him from behind. Jake spins him around and swings with a wild left, but Joey ducks, and drops Jake with a neckbreaker. Joey then covers.)



(Jake kicks out. Joey brings Jake to his feet, and send Walker reeling into the corner with a spinning back fist to the jaw. Sooner tags in Mikey Capitali. Mikey starts pounding away at Jake Walker with chops to the
chest. Capitali grabs Walker and Irish whips him to the opposite turnbuckle.)

JT: Hey! I though you said they were Italian?

GP: They are. All races can use the Irish whip.

JT: Well, isn't that lovely.

(Capitali grabs Walker and goes for another Irish whip, but Walker reverses sending Capitali back into the corner. Capitali stumbles clumsily out of the corner. Jake bounces off the ropes and goes for a running bulldog, but Capitali catches him in Atomic drop position, and charges toward the opposite corner, ramming him into the turnbuckle. Jake falls to the mat, and Capitali makes the cover. The referee refuses to count however, citing that Capitali is using the ropes for leverage...which he so obviously was. Capitali argues with the ref regardless.)

JT: He really shouldn't do that.

(Jake Walker seizes the opportunity and rolls Capitali up for a surprise pin.)



(Joey Sooner makes the save with a kick to the head of Jake Walker. Jack Breaker runs into the ring, and all four men begin to brawl. While the ref yells at Jack and Sooner to leave the ring, Capitali sneaks up on Jake Walker and applies a Cobra clutch. Jake Walker frantically tries to power out of the move, so he back pedals backwards as best he could and backs into the corner, but squishes the ref in the process. Jack Breaker and Joey Sooner's brawl spills to the outside, as Sooner spears Jack through the top and middle ropes. The ref, yells for the men to let him out, but Capitali refuses to release the hold and Walker doesn't stop backing him into the corner.)

Diablo: Here's our cue.

(Diablo and Edguardo both take their chairs and run into the ring.)

JT: What the hell?

(Diablo and Edguardo swing the chairs at Jake, but he ducks at the last second, and crack Capitali in the face with both steel chairs. Capitali crumbles to the mat, but the ref, who was pinned behind him didn't see what just happened. TDM flee the ring, and Jake drapes an arm over Capitali.)




GP: TDM just accidentally cost the Italian Mobsters the match! Lucky for Jake he was able to get out of the way before those chairs came careening toward his head.

(Backstage, a camera captures the front door of the dressing room. Pausing for a moment, the camera pans down, discovering a largest silver star displayed on it. Labeled "Simon Seaman" in bold black letters just below the image, the boos from the crowd become instantly prominent. From there, we notice the cameraman's hand come into view as he pushes the door open to
gain entrance into the room. With no one in sight, the cameraman looks to the right and left as we are surrounded by neon arrows pointing to the left. Following the arrows, it leads to a large portrait of Simon Seaman wearing a black suit with the IWO world title over his shoulder. Below the framed portrait, Simon sits on a chair just in front of the photo scrubbing the face plate of his world title with a damp cloth wearing his wrestling attire and a black shirt. Crowded around him are several bottles of household cleaners and disinfectants placed on the floor beside him. With a
frustrated look on his face, he hastily washes his title laying over his knee and then sits back in his chair to take a break. Throwing the cloth over his shoulder, he picks up the title and holds it in front of him, observing it. Shaking his head in anger, he raises his voice as he rolls his eyes.)

Simon: I can't believe this. Look at what he did. Last week he ruined my title and now this week he hits me with a damn chair. He'll pay for getting this on my title. He got ugly all over my title!

(Grabbing a towel from his duffel bag behind him, he grabs a spray bottle on the floor and sprays his title with the substance. Polishing it vigorously, he squints his eyes attempting to see himself.)

Simon: Look at that. This is ridiculous. I can't even see myself.

(On a nearby shelf, he picks up a bag of ice and places it on top of his head.)

Simon: When will people learn that chairs are meant for sitting and not for hitting people. He is so going to pay it's not even funny.

(He throws the pack of ice over his shoulder and continues to work.)

Simon: How am I going to un-ugly this world title? It's so tainted that I might have to end up boiling it just to get the bacteria out of it. Who does he think he is anyway? Just because he gets brackets or "parentheses", if you will, in his name doesn't make him anymore special than other people.

(Suddenly the doors slams open as Simon is distracted by the individual in the doorway. Staring up at him as he makes his way into the room, the world champion rises from his chair, only to be greeted by none other than Nuke. In the background, we hear the incessant heckles of the crowd situated inside the arena as they stare at each other face to face. Somewhat annoyed
by his presence, Simon looks up at Nuke and all the way down in disgust as Nuke simply stands there. Glancing up at him, Simon lays his title on the chair and then greets him somewhat awkwardly.)

Simon: Next time, you knock. Don't look at me like you think you don't have to knock because you do. Just like everyone else, you knock on that door. Don't talk into it, don't ask it for advice, use your hand, form it into the fist and knock. It's just that simple.

(With a blank expression on Nuke's face, Simon paces left and right in front of him. Scratching his head, he suddenly stops.)

Simon: Aren't you supposed to be talking about death or being in pain or being in painful death or deathful pain or something like that?

(Staring back at him with his arms crossed, Nuke responds.)

Nuke: Why the hell did you interfere in my match last week?

(Surprised by the question, Simon confidently replies.)

Simon: Here I am thinking that you'd have sympathy for me after I got attacked by that hooligan and you came here to see if I was okay, but no. All you want to know is why I interfered in your match hardly anyone cares about or remembers anymore. You want to know what happened? I didn't interfere in your match. I simply was getting a closer view of the action, then I "accidentally" slipped onto the ring apron and AWS Man "accidentally" ran into that sign I had. It's all a coincidence and plus, it's done already. Why worry about the past?

(Changing the subject, a thought pops into Simon's head and he quickly utters it.)

Simon: Listen, no time for reminiscing. I have a plan. Since you're here and I'm here, why don't we take out our frustrations on AWS Man, shall we? You and I, let's have a match with AWS Man tonight. Against who you ask? Well for one thing, he needs to be there so that takes care of that.

(Rubbing his chin, pondering who they could face, Simon realizes something.)

Simon: I know! How about those two guys who always hang around with him? What are their names again? Archie and Jugghead? No, that's not it. Ass one and ass two? No, that's someone else. Oh, that Hash guy and that Schitzo Tod person. I got it! Simon Seaman, IWO World Heavyweight Champion and Nuke, of course versus Harold Hash, Schitzo Tod, and AWS Man (also known as Bill). You heard me. A handicapped match, but here's the thing. We're the ones that are handicapped.

(Pausing for a second, Simon corrects himself.)

Simon: Wait, we're not handicapped? I guess it must be them!

(Boos are heard from inside of the arena as Simon lets out a big laugh as he taps Nuke on his shoulder trying to keep from falling over.)

Simon: Oh snap! OH SNAP! That was awesome. Right, big guy? Give it up, homes. Give it up!

(Attempting to give Nuke a high five, Nuke just stands there shaking his head. Wondering what's wrong, Simon places his hand down and moves on.)

Simon: Anyway, not only do we get payback on AWS Man, we face double champion Harold Hash. Can you believe he has two titles? What the hell is Ford thinking letting someone like that have both the Extreme and United States title in possession? How extreme is Hash anyway? I do everything extreme. I go to the washroom to the extreme, I paint my house to the extreme, I say extreme to the extreme. I should have that title. Don't even get me started with being champion of the United States, but you shouldn't get me started because then we have Schitzo Tod.

(Staring up at the ceiling in disbelief, he proceeds.)

Simon: What kind of name is Schitzo Tod? He doesn't even have the courtesy to let others know his full name. Sure you get the impression that his full name is Schizophrenic Tod, but for all we know, it could be the lost art of Schizotometry or Schizomology Tod, am I right? Finally, we have AWS Man (also known as Bill). Did you see what he did to me? That was heinous. Like I said, he is so going to pay tonight. I'm not talking through a payment plan of some sorts, but you better believe that it's going to be in full. I'm so sick of people like him thinking they can just demand a title shot and get one. How long have I been world champion? Since earth's creation, yet he thinks I'll just grant him a shot right on the spot? I don't think so.

(About to continue, Nuke grabs his attention.)

Nuke: Simon?

(Staring back at him, he answers.)

Simon: Yes?

(Eye to eye, Nuke leans in and raises his voice.)

Nuke: I may not be your biggest fan and we have had our history, but if we're going to be a team tonight, you're going to have to do one thing. Just one measly thing. All I'm asking you to do is just a single, simplistic thing. Can you do what I'm about to ask you? I just need this one thing from you. It's not hard to do, so are you up for it?

(Nodding his head in agreement, he shrugs his shoulders in skepticism.)

Simon: What do you want me to do?

(Staring down at the ground, Nuke picks up Simon's title, looks at it for a second and places it on the world champion's shoulder. Patting him on the other shoulder, he grins at Simon as Simon grins back then. Then, from out of nowhere, Nuke grabs him using both hands by the collar of his shirt.)

Nuke: Stop being you.

(A few members of the crowd inside the arena are heard cheering as Nuke shoves Simon back on his chair as he storms out the door. Glancing back at him with a confused look on his face, Simon puts his hands up bewildered by Nuke's actions. Checking to see if his world title is all right, he notices that it is fine then goes to adjusting his shirt. Yelling back at him from a distance, Simon tries to respond to Nuke.)

Simon: Good luck to you son of a blitch.

(He pauses for a second to straighten his elbow and knee pads before continuing.)

Simon: That's the last time I trust anyone with a one word name.

(The scene cuts to Schitzo Tod… Who is now oddly in arena… Although we just saw him in Minnesota a half an hour ago… Anyway, Tod is walking to AWS Man (also Known as Bill)'s locker room, when he is stopped by a voice.)

A Voice: Hello… Tod.

Schitzo Tod: Hello voice.

A Voice: Tod, do you know who this is?

Schitzo Tod: No… Who is it?

A Voice: Guess.

Schitzo Tod: Is it God?

A Voice: No…

Schitzo Tod: Santa?

A Voice: No…

Schitzo Tod: Um… God?

A Voice: You just said that, moron.

Schitzo Tod: I give up.

A Voice: Just guess…

Schitzo Tod: No.

A Voice: YES!

Schitzo Tod: I don't wanna'!

A Voice: *sigh* Fine, then… I am the voice… OF IMPENDING SMITEITISM!

Schitzo Tod: Silly, how was I going to guess that?


(The screen goes black. Moments later Tod is nowhere to be found. An emergency meeting of IWO is called to order.)

Tom Ford: Allright… Who took Tod?

Simon Seaman: It wasn't me.

Nuke: Me neither.

Tom Ford: *sigh* That little bastard owes me fifty bucks.

**Commercial Break**

(The scene fades into the locker room of AWS Man (also Known as Bill) who is with Brian Blade.)

AWS Man (also Known as Bill): First, it was freakin' Tod… THEN THEY'LL GET ME FREAKIN' NEXT!

Brian Blade: Who will get you?

AWS Man (also Known as Bill): The guy who freakin' shot Mister Burns!

Brian Blade: Don't you mean Schitzo Tod?

AWS Man (also Known as Bill): Who the freak is that? Fonzie?

(The camera cuts to Nuke walking the backstage area. It's gonna be a while till his match later on the show, so Nuke is wasting time away meandering mindlessly throughout the locker room and backstage area. Basically killing time before kills his three opponents in the mainevent...with Simon Seaman's help of course. He has no purpose for this current promenade through the corridors of the arena. It's all so absurd anyway, he doesn't crave purpose at all...for the time being. Just as he was about to retire to his own locker room, being bored with this mindless walk, he spots something to do. He sees High Flyer is sitting on the floor near a closed refreshment stand. He has a dejected look on his face, and he takes lazy sips from a now ¾ empty water bottle.)

Nuke: Bingo...

(Nuke slyly whispered to himself, as he walks toward High Flyer.)

Nuke: Need a friend?

(Nuke was trying his best to seem sincere in his concern.)

High Flyer: Sure man, How are you?

(High Flyer outstretched his hand for a handshake... 'He bought it.' Nuke thought to himself, as he shook High Flyers hand. But High Flyer strengthened his grip on Nuke's hand, and to Nuke's surprise, took him down swiftly in an armbar. High Flyer had his knee planted in Nuke's back, and pressed Nuke's face against the floor. Nuke spoke while gritting his teeth in pain. )

Nuke: Wow. You're quick as fuck.

(High Flyer spoke back, adding more pressure to his arm.)

High Flyer: Look, I saw what you did to Potright last week. I'm not in the mood for any shit. Nor would I ever trust you...

(Nuke's grimaces in pain, but replies back to High Flyer )

Nuke: 'Shit' isn't what I had in mind.

Flyer: Bull.

(High Flyer pressed down even harder. Nuke winced in pain.)

Nuke: Listen, I didn't come over for anything more than a conversation. If you didn't want to talk I understand, but you can't sit on my fucking arm the whole night.

(High Flyer thinks about it for a moment.)

Nuke: Besides. I don't have any weapons on me do I? I'm harmless.

(High Flyer sees Nuke isn't armed, and anyway he did have a match to prepare for. He gave in.)

High Flyer: Fine.... but harmless is such a relative term...

(The second High Flyer is off of him, Nuke lounges at him, hitting him in the face with a headbutt that causes High Flyer's head to snap back violently. Nuke didn't wait for either of them to get to their feet, and laid in on High Flyer with a barrage of punches, while both men were still in the process of getting up off the floor. Nuke popped up to his feet, and began to viciously stomp down on High Flyer's torso. Nuke, then used the counter as leverage and dug his boot into High Flyer's wind pipe. High Flyer squirmed and gasped for air, but Nuke held on and looked down at him mercilessly. Nuke, using the counter to hold himself up, propelled himself off the ground and...)


(Landed squarely on High Flyer's chest with both feet. His enter 6'4" 243 frame coming down, squarely, on High Flyer's ribcage. From the way Flyer was yelling and the look of agony on his face, it was apparent that Nuke had aggravated an old injury. Nuke lifted up High Flyer to his feet.)

Nuke: Yeah. Those rib injuries are a bitch ain't they?

(Nuke then landed a solid right to Flyer's face, which dropped him to the ground. High Flyer was left thriving in pain, and bleeding from the mouth and face, as Nuke leisurely strolled away from the scene unphased.)

**Commercial Break**

(We open up in the "jobber" locker room. OvO, Butt Thrilligan, Koala Carter, and The Last Eskimo are all inside, laughing.)


Koala Carter: Yes, mate… Brilliant.

OvO: The first prank.. Of many.

(Tom bursts through the door.)

Tom Ford: Hey, you guys haven't seen Tod, have you?

OvO: Who?

Tom Ford: Schitzo Tod.

OvO: Moron… Tod was quacking smited. He doesn't exist anymore.

Tom Ford: Oh, that sucks. I guess I'll have to write a memo to the staff saying that Schitzo Tod doesn't exist. Thanks for your help.

(Tom leaves.)

OvO: Haha, what an asshole.

(Cut to ring.)


GP : It's now time for our main event, which will pit AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Harold Hash up against World champ Simon Seaman and Nuke.

JT : I thought Schitzo Tod was supposed to be in this match too.

GP : Who's Schitzo Tod?

JT : Um ... er ... I don't really remember. Oh well, I'm sure it's not important. What IS important is that we're about to all witness the greatness that is Simon Seaman!

GP : (Rolls eyes) So when exactly did you get your lips surgically attached to Seaman's ass?

JT : Actually, I haven't yet, but I'm hoping to get the operation scheduled in for next Thursd- Wait, were you being sarcastic?

GP : ...Well, I WAS!

JT : Parker, you forget you heard anything! Understand?!

GP : Um ... what about the people watching at home.

JT : Oh, they're all losers. Who are they gonna tell?

GP : And you really are a moron. And with that, let's head up to Meygon for the introductions.

(Meygon's already in the ring, holding a microphone, which is significantly larger than her outfit. This, of course, warrants a few catcalls.)

Meygon : The following tag team contest is set for one fall, and is tonight's Hostile Takeover main event!

(More cheers, and even more catcalls.)

Meygon : Introducing first ... weighing in at 235 lbs., and standing at 6'1" ... hailing from Raleigh, NC ... the current IWO US AND Extreme champion ... accompanied by the world's only talking cow that I know of, Gus the Black Angus ... he is HHAAAARRRRROOOOLLLLDD HHHAAAASSSSHHHHH!!!

("Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse blares as Hash and Gus make their way out from the backstage to a mixed reaction, with a belt around each arm. Hash runs down the ramp and slides into the ring, raising his arms into the air as he stands up. Gus walks around to the side of the ring and takes a seat in a ringside chair to watch the match. Yes, the cow is sitting in a chair. If you got a problem with that, tough kidney stones.)

Meygon : And next, his partner ... weighing in at 236 lbs., and standing at 6'1" ... hailing from Freakville, NC ... the IWO's second Grand Slam champion, the 2001 Conspiracy Theory winner, and ... er, according to the sloppily handwritten addition on this card, "the man who exposed Papa Smurf's freakin' affair" ... accompanied by the world's least clothed manager, the Nude, and the world's most dangerous inanimate object, Pen ... AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BILLLLLLLL)!

("Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang plays as AWS Man (also known as Bill) walks out from the back, carrying Pen and being trailed by the Nude. The fans pop extremely loudly for the IWO's resident "Insane One," cheering for his actions earlier tonight. AWS Man (also known as Bill) jogs down to the ring and rolls in, nodding his head at Hash in acknowledgement. He sets Pen down in the ring corner and faces the entrance ramp.)

Meygon : And their opponents ... first, weighing 243 lbs., and standing at
6'4" ... hailing from Hollis, Queens, New York ... a former Extreme, North
American, and Unified champion ... known as the "Innovator of Wrongness" ...
accompanied tonight by his sadistic midget persona, midget Nuke ... he is

("Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls plays as Nuke comes down the ramp, followed by
midget Nuke, who is wielding a chainsaw. The midget revs it a few times as he
walks down the ramp. Nuke and his manager get a hearty chorus of boos from
the fans. Nuke stops at ringside and glances back up the entranceway, waiting
for his partner to appear.)

Meygon : And finally, Nuke's partner ... weighing 233 lbs., and standing at
6'1" ... hailing from Los Angeles, California ... a former Unified, North
American, and US champion, and the CURRENT IWO champion of the World ...

("Relax" by Powerman 5000 blares. After several long moments of keeping the
fans waiting, Seaman steps out from backstage, stroking the belt around his
waist. He is greeted with a thunderous negative reaction from the fans, with
many throwing drink containers and the like at Seaman. None of them hit the
mark, and Simon strolls down to the ring, smirking the whole way and fixing
his heavily gelled hair. When he reaches Nuke, they exchange a few words
before Simon slides in and Nuke hops up onto the apron. Harold Hash moves to
the apron at his corner as AWS Man (also known as Bill) approaches the center
of the ring.)

GP : The Insane One looks ready to get it on with Seaman.

JT : Heh heh ... you said "get it on."

GP : Your maturity knows no bounds, JT.

JT : Ummm ... Heh heh, "get it on."

(The bell rings and Simon moves forward to lock it up with AWS Man (also
known as Bill), but suddenly he seems to reconsider and, rolling his eyes in
disgust at AWS Man (also known as Bill) and slightly shaking his head, he
backs up and tags in Nuke. The two switch places and Nuke prepares to lock up
with a disappointed AWS Man (also known as Bill).)

GP : That coward Seaman didn't want any part of AWS Man (also known as Bill)!

JT : What you call "cowardice" I call ... "uncowardice." Seaman's simply too
good to share the same ring with AWS Man (also known as Bill), much less
touch the loser. Imagine what kind of diseases he could get.

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill) is not diseased, JT!

JT : Sure he isn't. I've had a few words with his gynecologist, and believe
you me, there're a few things he's keeping secret.


JT : Always with the excuses, aren't you, Parker?

(GP fumes in anger and frustration as Nuke and AWS Man (also known as Bill)
finally stop circling each other and cautiously engage in a test of strength.
Nuke, with the size and weight advantage, soon begins to get the upper hand
and force AWS Man (also known as Bill) back. Once he has the Insane One bent
over almost backwards, AWS Man (also known as Bill) lashes out with a
last-ditch headbutt. Stunned by the impact with AWS Man (also known as
Bill)'s metal paintball mask, Nuke lets up on his hold. AWS Man (also known
as Bill) repeats the headbutt, causing Nuke to let go completely and stumble
around a little. Wasting no time, AWS Man (also known as Bill) bounces off
the ropes behind Nuke and drives his face into the mat with a facecrusher.)

GP : Nicely executed facecrusher by AWS Man (also known as Bill)!

JT : Oh, please. That lunatic couldn't wrestle his way out of a paper bag if
he was hogtied and covered with seran wrap, and the bag was one of those
unwrestle-outable ones.

GP : And what exactly does that prove?

JT : That I'm good at spouting off random idiocy to try and prove my point.

GP : I see.

(Nuke gets up to his feet fairly quickly, and is met by a few solid right
hands from AWS Man (also known as Bill). The Insane One rears back for a big
punch, but Nuke ducks it and grabs him by the back of the head, dropping down
with a neckbreaker.)

JT : Now THAT was some good wrastlerin' by Nuke. He just grabbed him by the
what's-it-called and then, BAM, did that one move, the one that looks all
GP : ... How did you GET this job?

JT : Lots of crack--abusing IWO executives.

GP : That's what I figured.

(Nuke picks AWS Man (also known as Bill) up, but as he does so, the Insane
One breaks free and drops down with a jawbreaker. Nuke staggers back against
the ropes, shaking his head to clear it, and glances up in time to see AWS
Man (also known as Bill) charge in with a clothesline, sending Nuke over the
top to the outside. Without warning, the Insane One pivots and elbows the
nearby Seaman in the jaw, sending him off of the apron.)

GP : Good lord! AWS Man (also known as Bill) takes down both Seaman and Nuke!

JT : Could you GET any gayer?

GP : Shut up, JT.

(AWS Man (also known as Bill) caters to the fans, raising his arms in the air
and nodding, then pointing at his waist and yelling some indistinguishable
words with "freakin'" thrown in there a lot.)

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s sending a message to the World champ!

(Nuke slides in behind AWS Man (also known as Bill) and takes him down by
hitting him in the back of the knee with a baseball slide. Nuke rolls over on
top of the Insane One and begins pummeling away at AWS Man (also known as
Bill), not giving him a chance to get his arms up to defend himself.)

JT : And that message would be, "I can't wrestle any more than I can resist
watching porn."

(Nuke gets up and drops an elbow, then quickly springs back up and drops a
second elbow. He gets back up and tags in Seaman. Simon confidently steps
through the ropes, taking his time in walking over to AWS Man (also known as
Bill) and picking him up. Seaman taunts him a little bit before kicking him
hard in the gut, doubling AWS Man (also known as Bill) over. Seaman grabs the
Insane One by the head and slams it into the mask with a facebuster.)

JT : Look at that superb, flawless wrestling style. Just look at it!

GP : Yeah, yeah, I'm looking.

(Seaman stomps on AWS Man (also known as Bill) a few times before again
picking him up and whipping him off the ropes. Seaman goes for a forearm as
AWS Man (also known as Bill) comes off the rebound, but the Insane One ducks,
only to be caught in the jaw with a dropkick in the jaw on the way back.)

JT : Look at it!!

GP : I said I'm looking!

(Seaman smirks at the fans and taunts a little before again turning back to
the Insane One and picking him up. Seaman apparently took a little too long,
though, as he gets low blowed and then leg sweeped. AWS Man (also known as
Bill) rolls a little and leaps across the room, making the tag to Harold
Hash. Hash jumps over the top rope and takes Seaman down with a lariat. He
turns to Nuke on the apron and bangs it into the turnbuckle. He turns back
around to Seaman and grabs the rising Seaman from behind, hitting him with
the QWERT (reverse T-bone suplex).)

GP : Hash's a house afire!

JT : It won't last.

(Hash again turns to meet Nuke on the apron, but Nuke grabs Hash's head and
drops down, catching his neck across the top rope. Hash rolls around on the
ground, clutching his throat.)

JT : Told you.

(After several moments, both Seaman and Hash get to their feet, Seaman
slightly before Hash. Seaman takes advantage of this by leaping on Hash and
battering him on the back, whipping him across the ring and into the
turnbuckle. Seaman walks after him and goes for a knife-edged chop, but Hash
ducks and pushes Seaman into the corner. He pounds on him a little, then
whips him back across the ring and charges after him with the Brickhouse
(stinger splash). Seaman falls dazedly out of the turnbuckle.)

GP : Hash is taking it to the World champion!

(Hash drags Seaman to the middle of the ring, then points to AWS Man (also
known as Bill), who's itching to get a tag. Actually, he's scratching his
ass, but we can only assume that it's itching because he's itching for a tag.
The fans pop loudly, and Hash walks over to the Insane One and tags him in.
Becoming suddenly alert, AWS Man (also known as Bill) steps through the ropes
and runs over to Seaman, jumping with a leg drop. However, Seaman rolls out
of the way and dives for the tag to Nuke, rolling out of the ring immediately
after he does so.)

GP : Damn it! If Seaman's such a great champion, then why won't he fight AWS
Man (also known as Bill) like a man?

JT : Because, AWS Man (also known as Bill) doesn't DESERVE to fight Seaman
like man. He's got to EARN his beatings from Seaman.

(Nuke quickly scales the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a crossbody on AWS
Man (also known as Bill). AWS Man (also known as Bill) rolls through with it,
though, into a pinning combination on Nuke.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ...

(Nuke, though caught off guard, kicks out at the two and a half. AWS Man
(also known as Bill) drags him up and lifts him up onto his shoulder for a
Drop You On Your Freakin' Face (Emerald Fusion), but Nuke wriggles free and
kicks AWS Man (also known as Bill) viciously in the back of the knee. AWS Man
(also known as Bill) collapses with his feet flying up into the air, landing
on his back and holding his leg.)

GP : That was a vicious kick by Nuke!

JT : Yes, Greg, that was the POINT.

(Nuke kicks AWS Man (also known as Bill) a few more times in the injured leg.
After a while Nuke lets up and allows AWS Man (also known as Bill) to limp
his way to his feet before Nuke grabs him and whips him off the ropes. AWS
Man (also known as Bill) reverses, though, and tries to hit Nuke with a
clothesline on the way back, but Nuke ducks down, and both men bounce off the
ropes on opposite sides. As they come back, both men go for a flipping
dropkick, hitting each other in midair.)

GP : Wow! What action!

JT : It's decent, considering that Seaman isn't tagged in right now.

GP : Seaman WAS tagged in, but he tagged out when AWS Man (also known as
Bill) came in!

JT : Details, details.

(Nuke gets back up after several moments, but AWS Man (also known as Bill)
stays on the ground, clutching his leg and lying motionless.)

GP : Uh-oh, this doesn't look good. It seems like AWS Man (also known as
Bill) might have really hurt his leg on that dropkick.

JT : Good! That'll learn him to do ... stuff.

(Nuke grins maliciously at AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s obvious injury,
then glances over at Seaman, who's begging to be tagged in. Nuke considers
for a moment, before deciding he's had enough fun with the Insane One, and
tagging Seaman in. Seaman cockily enters the ring and struts over to AWS Man
(also known as Bill), who's beginning to try to crawl around. Seaman walks up
to the Insane One and lifts his foot high in the air to bring down hard on
AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s leg, when suddenly AWS Man (also known as
Bill) grabs him by the leg with one hand and the tights with the other and
rolls him into a small package.)


Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

(Seaman and AWS Man (also known as Bill) gets up at the same time, with
Seaman staring in shock at AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s obviously fine
GP : I don't believe it! AWS Man (also known as Bill) lured Seaman into
coming into the ring! Now he has him right where he wants him!

JT : Damn it! ... I mean, that's not true! Seaman's probably overjoyed that
he gets the chance to punish AWS Man (also known as Bill) now!

(Before Seaman can recover from his initial shock, AWS Man (also known as
Bill) nails him with a thrust kick to the jaw, knocking the World champ from
the ring.)

GP : Knock Your Freakin' Head Off sends Seaman flying!

(As the ref walks over to the ropes and begins the ten count, Nuke enters the
ring behind him and rushes towards AWS Man (also known as Bill) back, but
he's suddenly cut off by Harold Hash, who also entered the ring and
intercepted Nuke. Hash pounds on Nuke with right hands, until Nuke hits him
in the gut with a hard knee and whips him into the turnbuckle with such force
that Hash falls down, clutching his back. Nuke laughs as he approaches Hash
and prepares to kick him square in the face, but Hash dives forward with a
low blow, sending Nuke stumbling back and clutching his genitalia. At this
moment, Gus the Black Angus leaves his ringside chair and slides into the
ring. He waits for Nuke to turn around, then runs him over with a spear: the
Cow Prod.)

GP : Cow Prod! Cow Prod by Gus the Black Angus!

JT : Now that is blatant interference!

GP : As you always say, if the ref didn't see it, it didn't happen!

JT : I never say that! That's far too clever to be something I'd say!

(Gus rolls out of the ring. Meanwhile, AWS Man (also known as Bill) has
mounted the top turnbuckle and waited for Seaman to stand. When Seaman does
make it to his feet, the Insane One leaps with a front dropkick, which Seaman
turns into a short powerbomb at the last second. The force of the dropkick
still takes Seaman out, though. In the ring, Hash gets the ref's attention,
and the ref turns around to make the count.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

(Nuke gets the shoulder up at the last second.)

JT : There is a God!

GP : You think that God really cares about the outcome of this match?

JT : Of course. He is Seaman's loyal servant, isn't he?

GP : ...We're gonna get so sued for that.

JT : And how!

(Hash, frustrated, picks Nuke up and takes him over to the turnbuckle. He
hops onto the second turnbuckle and performs the To make Tom, that evil
mastermind genuis, happy I split up my finisher and making this the set
up...I hope you are happy Tom, you're all happy aren't you? you doing a dance
of joy about it, you think just cause your president you can make me do what
ever you want me to do! You evil bastard you! (Diamond Dust).)

GP : The To make Tom, that- well, you know the damn name. That's Hash's
set-up to his finisher, with the even longer name!

JT : I don't know who has the stupider move names, Hash or AWS Man (also
known as Bill).

GP : Mmmm ... Hash.

JT : Ah. Thanks for clearing that up.

GP : No problem.

(Hash goes onto the apron and climbs up the turnbuckle. Right as he's about
to jump for the 450 leg drop, Seaman, who has recovered sooner than AWS Man
(also known as Bill), jumps up and grabs Hash's leg, pulling him down and
crotching him on the top rope. He climbs up after Hash and shoves him off.)

JT : Haha! The World champ strikes again! Who's afraid of who now, huh,

GP : He crotched him from behind!

JT : Do your excuses EVER end?

GP : ...No.

(Seaman stands all the way up on the turnbuckle and waits for Hash to stand.
Hash begins moving around and slowly making his way to his feet, not
realizing his predicament. At the same time, however, AWS Man (also known as
Bill) mounts the other turnbuckle on the same side of the ring, and steadies
himself. At the same time that Hash turns and Seaman leaps with the Silencer
(top tope Blockbuster), AWS Man (also known as Bill) hits the Win the
Freakin' Matchifier (Shooting Star Press) on Nuke. Both men cover at the same

(The ref sees Seaman's cover first. He drops down.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3!

(Seaman jumps to his feet, raising his arms high in the air as "Relax" plays
on the speakers. AWS Man (also known as Bill) looks up, shocked, only to get
kicked hard in the face by Seaman. Seaman grabs his belt and rolls out of the
ring, laughing as he makes his way up the ramp.)

GP : Damn it! That bastard Seaman keeps getting lucky!

JT : GP, when are you gonna admit that luck has absolutely nothing to do with
Seaman's greatness. That all relies on ... well, his greatness.

GP : Yeah, whatever, JT.