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Utter


Live from the Freedom Hall in Lexington, Kentucky!
November 25th, 2001

A heartbeat.

"IWO" appears and disappears.

Another heartbeat.

"IWO" appears and disappears.

Another heartbeat.

"IWO" appears and gets zapped by a lightning bolt, erupting it into blue flames. This eventually fades to black, then "Down" by Gravity Kills begins playing...


I'm your fear,
I'm your monster,
What's hiding in your shadow?
Is it taking what's left of you?
Now take me,
now lead me from you,
Now take me from the light that's dying in your eye.


We see highlights from Utter Obliteration 1999, the Utter Obliteration Match between Zombie and Phelen Kell, including the flood inside the arena, as well as the eventual explosion of the arena thanks to the water inside. We see Kell ripping apart Zombie afterwards, and Kell winning the match.

I'm finding out what's left of you,
you're burning out
What's left of you?
Choking on doubt,
you're choking.
Way down way down now what's left of you?


We see highlights from Utter Obliteration 2000's version of the match, with Samuel Potright, Donnie Daze(Matt Rivers), and Mike Extreme. We see Mike Extreme getting eliminated from the match, and the eventual draw that results. We see High Flyer making Grand Slam on this event by winning the North American title, we see Syphon Fission's and we see Evan Levine somehow defeating Psycho Jay for the IWO World Championship.

See no fear, speak no evil
Are you screaming out to no one as you fall down a mountain of pride
I feel you,
My eyes wide open,
I feel you,
Do you think you can save yourself in time?


Now we see highlights from the weeks leading up to the pay-per-view. We see Simon Seaman screwing over Matt Rivers at Autumn in Hell over the IWO World Title. We see Samuel Potright's unexpected return to the IWO at Fear the Darkness. We see the Suicide Kings becoming three-time World Tag Champions, only to lose them a week later to Those Damned Mexicans. We see the subsequent issues between the Kings, TDM, and the Jack Daniels Connection.

I'm finding out what's left of you,
you're burning out
What's left of you?
Choking on doubt,
you're choking.
Way down way down now what's left of you?


We see Dane Wilt's return to the IWO, superkicking Gunnar Smith on two occasions and Tomikazing him on the concrete floor. We see Gunnar Smith attacking Wilt in return and revealing to the world that he is, in fact, Dane Wilt. The words "The Battle of Genetic Perfection" appear below this final scene.

What you see,
What tears into you
Behind the wheel that leads you,
Are you facing a truth that won't die?
Now take me,
Now lead me from you,
Now take me from the light that's dying in your eye


We see Simon Seaman hitting the Silencer on AWS Man (also known as Bill). We see Matt Rivers hitting Dazed and Confused on someone else. We see Nuke landing the Burning Psychosis on Ken War, while we see Sam Potright hitting War Within A Breath on the Hardcore Isosceles Trapezoid. We see the Kings hitting Flip the Switch on one side of the screen while we see Those Damned Mexicans hitting the Mexican Death Drop on Steve the Rambling Communist. These same images pass by the screen, only much faster, then the process repeats until the scene goes out like a television turning off.

I'm finding out what's left of you,
you're burning out
What's left of you?
Choking on doubt,
you're choking.
Way down way down now what's left of you?


The Utter Obliteration logo is shown, then it breaks into glass into the sold out Freedom Hall in Lexington, Kentucky. Pyro explodes everywhere as the crowd goes insane, jumping up and down while showing off their signs and support for the Internet Wrestling Organization. As the camera pans around to catch all of the fans, we see the giant Utter Obliteration entryway. The Utter Obliteration logo is in between two crooked girders, and the IWOTron is just below it. The cameras turn to Greg Parker and JT, seated at ringside.

GP: Hello everybody, we are L-I-V-E live in the Freedom Hall in Lexington, Kentucky! Welcome... to Utter Obliteration!

JT: And I, on the other hand, am just patiently waiting for Ice Age 2001 to finally roll around...

GP: Fans, regardless of what JT is saying, this is truly a night that will make an impact on-

JT: Ice Age.

GP: An impact on the future of the IWO! We've got huge matches lined up for tonight, including the main event. Matt Rivers will take on Simon Seaman in a battle for the World Heavyweight Championship!

JT: If you ask me, the-

Suddenly, "All Right (Oh Yeah)" by Local H starts blaring over Freedom Hall's PA system.

GP: What's this?!

JT: It's my man, Dane Wilt!

Dane Wilt steps onto the entrance with a mic in his hands. He's still wearing the plain brown jacket he has been wearing the past few weeks leading up to tonight. The fans give him a surprisingly large ovation, probably because he's been away so long and it's the first appearance by an IWO superstar on pay-per-view tonight.

Dane Wilt: I'M BACK!

More cheers from the fans.

JT: These fans are really going crazy tonight. Well, granted, it is THE MAN, but still...

GP: That's just testament to our great fans, JT.

Dane Wilt starts walking down to the ring, slowly surveying the arena as he walks. He hops over the top rope and basks in the cheers of the fans in the arena. Considering how long his time off was, Dane looks to be in great shape. After a few more seconds, he talks.

Dane Wilt: You know, it's unbelievable - this is the first show in weeks that will NOT be castrated in the opening minutes thanks to a Simon Seaman promo!

The fans cheer this comment, and the camera zooms in on a sign that reads, "WELCOME HOME DANE!"

Dane Wilt: But then again... on that same token, this show will also not be dragged down by having Matt Rivers being involved in the opening promo, either!

The fans are confused... for a moment. Then they quickly decided to throw some scattered boos at Dane Wilt.

Dane Wilt: It's been a long time since I've last been here, and let me just say that I am sick and tired... of the guys in the back. You see, as soon as I left, the IWO went down the drain. They quickly brought up some guys that are no talent hacks with NO pride for this business. Well let me tell everybody something right now, I HAVE PRIDE FOR THIS BUSINESS.

A pause.

Dane Wilt: Because guys like Simon Seaman, Matt Rivers, Rob Kestler, every single tag team in this promotion... heck, pretty much all of the boys in the back have no respect for this business. They think it's all about being the joke man and getting the cheap laughs. Well, I'm going to start proving tonight that their strategy is NOT going to work anymore!

Dane Wilt leans over the top rope, seemingly talking directly to the wrestlers in the backstage area.

Dane Wilt: You know why you've skyrocketed to the top, Seaman? Kestler, do you know why you're carrying around that piece of tin?

A smile comes across the face of Dane Wilt.

Dane Wilt: It's because you suck. You all suck.

Another pause.

Dane Wilt: In fact, everybody involved right now in the IWO completely and totally sucks. And you know what? Everybody here in the arena agrees with me tonight.

The crowd is silent for the most part.

Dane Wilt: As it just so happens, you guys just so happen to be the best of the guys who totally suck. Is that clear? None of you guys have any talent whatsoever, you've just lucked out because you are in the right place in the right time. A time when a ridiculous fool like Simon Seaman can become World Champion, when everybody sees that he actually has no talent whatsoever! Those Damn Mexicans - yeah, you guys suck, too. But it just so happens that the tag team division here in the IWO completely sucks, and you guys are the best of the suck. AWS Man? You suck too. And you know it.

Dane Wilt walks back into the middle of the ring.

Dane Wilt: My point is - this isn't the IWO. No... this is some bastard version of the IWO, where complete losers can rise to the top and become king of the hill! Well, guess what, fellas? DANE WILT IS BACK IN TOWN. And these fans don't have to worry about cheering on guys who suck just because they're the only guys, period!

"All Right (Oh Yeah)" by Local H starts playing again, and the fans start buzzing about what Dane Wilt just said.

GP: Well fans... uh, we-

Dane Wilt: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Cut the music! What's going on here? Oh no, I know what you're doing. Tommy Ford is in the back, isn't he? He doesn't want me "shooting" my mouth off anymore, huh... well... Tommy Ford, whether you or the guys in the back like it or not - the IWO is going to change in a very, very big way. So screw you and you trying to get me out of this ring right now. I've still got more to say.

GP: Wonderful...

The music stops playing, and Dane Wilt clears his throat.

Dane Wilt: Gunnar Smith.

There is a pretty strong ovation coming from the crowd at the mention of Gunnar Smith's name.

Dane Wilt: You have no idea what you got yourself into, Gunnar. In fact, I can't believe you actually had the gall to lay me out over a week ago on Hostile Takeover! In fact, why don't we refresh everybody's memory...

The giant video screen in the arena starts replaying the events that transpired on Hostile Takeover.

Suddenly, out from the shadows, Gunnar Smith appears and tackles him into a steel truck loading ramp. Gunnar Smith punches him squarely in the jaw, then grabs him by his shirt collar and starts talking to him.

Gunnar Smith: Listen, pal... you wanted to screw around with me? Is that what you wanted? Well, right now I'm going to give you something right now that I'm sure you've been wanting!

The camera pans around, and tries to get a shot of the mystery man. The audience in the arena gasps as they realize who the man in the plain brown jacket is.

Gunnar Smith: See this, cameraman? It's Dane Wilt! DANE WILT!

The crowd can audibly be heard in the background, "HOLY SHIT!"

Gunnar Smith: And just for the record, I JUST LAID DANE WILT OUT.

Gunnar Smith lets Dane Wilt fall to the ground in a heap, who tries to cover up his face with his hands.

Gunnar Smith: Well, well, well... I guess everybody knows you're here, Dane! I'm so sorry I messed up your little "surprise" return... but now you're going to get more than you bargained for. It's going to be YOUR CHANCE to find out if you really do still have what it takes to be "THE MAN" in the IWO.

The camera zooms in on Gunnar Smith looming over the laid-out Dane Wilt.

Gunnar Smith: UTTER OBLITERATION! GUNNAR SMITH VERSUS DANE WILT! And judging by the amount of shit you've put me through so far, I think it's fair to think that you already accepted my challenge in advance. I'll see you at the pay-per-view, Dane.


The video stops playing and the camera focuses back on Dane Wilt in the center of the ring.

Dane Wilt: You are such a dead man, Gunnar. You see, I had this whole elaborate plan orchestrated to maximize the effect of my return to wrestling. I mean, I had it ALL figured out. And you screwed it up. You screwed it up and then you laid me out like a fool. Well tonight, I'm going to get my revenge, and then I'm going to start making good on all the promises I made here tonight.

Dane Wilt smiles once more, and the camera zooms in on him even closer than ever before.

Dane Wilt: The IWO will change for the better, starting tonight... and you starting with you, Gunnar Smith.

The fans boo Dane Wilt mercilessly.

Dane Wilt: And you know what? I'm not even going to waste anymore breath on you or any of other hacks here in the IWO. I'm done, this promo is over...

Dane Wilt drops the microphone to the mat, then walks out of the ring towards the backstage area. The camera cuts back to the announcers at ringside.

JT: Wow.

GP: Yeah, that was something else, wasn't it? He sure pointed a lot of fingers here tonight, though, that's for sure.

JT: He can point all the fingers he wants! He's Dane Fucking Wilt!

GP: At any rate, fans... here tonight, just like you heard, it will be Dane Wilt versus Gunnar Smith in a grudge match that has the potential to steal the show here tonight... and only time will tell what kind of "impact" Dane Wilt will have on the IWO. *sigh* And I guess we're going to have to get this match over with.

Opening Contest
The Mega Job Invitational

Thirty minute time limit, anything goes, the wrestler who jobs the most wins the Trophy.
Special guest referees: Porn Julius and the Mysterious Birdman
El Janito: The Mexican Stereotype v. Beef the Slightly Annoyed v. Steve the Rambling Communist v. All Comers

JT: Oy, I know what you mean. Stupid god damn fucking Mega fucking Job god damn piss ass motherfucking Invintational.

GP: If Vincent were still around, he'd be proud of you, JT.

JT: Thank you.

And with that, the bell rings, getting the attentions of the fans.

Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the OPENING CONTEST of Utter Obliteration, and it is the Mega Job Invitational!

And the crowd inexplicably pops for the announcement of the Mega Job Invitational.

Meygon: This match will last thirty minutes, and will have multiple participants. The people who have signed up for this event will come out whenever they want. However, the wrestler that jobs the most times in this match will walk out with the Mega Job Invitational TROPHY!

A ring attendant climbs into the ring, holding up a large trophy with a man getting pinned on the top of it. The crowd gives the trophy its own pop, and then the trophy goes out to the floor.

Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the three main participants for this matchup...

"Wonderboy" by Tenacious D hits, as Beef the Slightly Annoyed walks to the ring. He has a huge, goofy smile on his face as he comes down, the fans giving him a good reaction, and Beef even tags the hands of a few lucky fans at ringside.

Meygon: Introducing first, from Beefville: City of the Annoyed, he weighs in at two hundred and twenty-one pounds... he is a handsome devil who gets lots and lots of head, and the women want him, and... HEY! Who wrote this on my card?! ...*sigh* He's Beef the Slightly Annoyed!

Beef enters the ring, slaps Meygon in the butt, who, in turn, slaps Beef the Slightly Annoyed silly and knocks him down with the force of her slap.

GP: YEAH! That's tellin' him, Meygon!

JT: GO MEYGON!

"Wonderboy" stops playing, and then "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin begins playing as El Janito, The Mexican Stereotype, comes to the ring. The crowd somehow manages to pop for Janito and groan for Ricky Martin at the same time.

Meygon: Next... from Beefville: City of the Annoyed, he weighs in at one hundred and fifty-seven pounds... he is a dashing Mexican who enjoys long walks on the beach and really hot blondes... and DAMMIT, who keeps writing these things on my cards?! ...He's El Janito, the Mexican Stereotype!

Janito has a smirk on his face as he enters the ring. He goes up to Meygon, but then he sees Beef still down on the mat, and thinks better of it, and stands in a corner.

GP: Well, at least Janito didn't try to put the moves on Meygon.

JT: She should've just slapped him anyway.

GP: Agreed.

The fans are happy when Ricky Martin has the plug pulled on him, and they give the loudest pop in the night(well, there's only been four, sheesh) when "Oh No, Here Comes A Commie!" by Skrewdriver hits and Steve the Rambling Communist marches all three feet and nine inches of himself to the ring, and he's also carrying a stepladder. Janito sees this and holds his nuts in mental pain, remembering what Steve does with that stepladder.

Meygon: And their opponent... from Beefville: City of the Annoyed, he weighs in at one hundred and thirty-nine pounds, and....... no. I am NOT reading this! This is, like, TOTALLY disgusting! How do you have a dick THAT big, anyway!? Sheesh!

Steve slides into the ring and sets his stepladder in the corner.

Meygon: Oh my god, there's more?!

"Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear" by the Carpenters play.

GP: WHAT?!

JT: Dear... god...

From the rafters flies in... THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN 0¿0! The crowd goes crazy, as the originator of Invitational matches flies right into the ring, but he's wearing a black and white referee's shirt over his bird suit.

Meygon: ...Ladies and gentlemen, introducing one of the special guest referees... he is a former two-time Extreme champion and a former World Tag Team champion... he is the Mysterious Birdman 0¿0!!!

GP: ONE!?

The Carpenters song stops playing, then "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays as Porn Julius comes out through the crowd all sweaty and stuff with a white towel draped over his shoulders (much like rocky). He begins punching the air, like Rocky does. He is escorted to the ring by six midgets, three on each side driving mopeds through the crowd. Pedophile Phil comes out threw the other side of the crowd and hands out polka dot condoms to kids under the age of seven. From the other side, Porn Julius instructs the midgets to hump the ring post. Back to Phil: Phil tries to unzipper his pants, to expose himself to Jasmine, the commentator but security shoots him with a stun gun and knocks him out. Security takes him out on a stretcher as Porn Julius stands there emotionless wondering if his buddy will survive the hanous attack. (Funny thing about this is you can't die from a stun gun.) With a depressing look on his face, Porn Julius enters the ring.

Meygon: And the other special guest referee... he's carrying Grandpa's Wooden Leg and it is rumored that I want his big, massive, pleasuring coc- WAIT A SECOND! NO I DON'T! AHHH! FUCK THIS!

Meygon throws down her cards and microphone in disgust and leaves the ringside area. Julius enters the ring and looks around cautiously.

GP: Well, this is going to be interesting.

Beef looks over at Steve. Steve looks over at Janito. Janito looks over at Beef.

Beef: Uhm, hi guys.

Steve: GREETINGS.

Janito: Yo, esse!

Steve changes his expression from midget to "I WILL EAT YOUR STROMBOLI, MOTHERFUCKER~!"

The bell rings.

It was *ON*.


GP: *sigh* And here we go...

JT: Please, god, let these thirty minutes not last long...

Beef and Janito shrug and lock up, but as soon as they do, they both fall down, hoping one of them would pin the other.

Beef: ...Um, YOU'RE supposed to be Triple H in this situation! I'm HBK!

Janito: Please, Beef, we can only dream to be as talented as they.

Beef and Janito get to their feet. As they do so, "I Eat Poop" by the Cherry Rounders hits and the crowd looks admittedly confused. So do Greg Parker and JT.

GP: ...What... in the fuck.... IS THAT OBNOXIOUS NOISE!?

JT: It's Jimmy One Ball! JIMMY ONE BALL!

GP: All eighty-two years old of him!

J.O.B. enters the ring and immediately goes after El Janito.

El Janito: AHH!!! DUDE! THIS OLD MAN HASN'T HAD ANY OF HIS DEPENDS! HE SMELLS HORRIBLE, ESSE!

Beef: Don't worry, Janito! I'll save you!

Beef runs at Janito and tries to get the old man who seems to be using his infamous DROOL ATTACK~! on Janito, but Jimmy One Ball turns around and smacks Beef upside the head with his eighty-two year old arm, causing two things. Beef flies backwards like he's been shot in the head by a rocket launcher, and Jimmy One Ball's arm breaks upon impact. J.O.B. looks down at his now-broken arm with a hint of sadness.

J.O.B.: *hic* AW WYELL! BACK TA DWOOLIN'!

El Janito: NOOOOOO!!!!

He would have, too, except that Janito was saved. By a certain midget with who has a fetish for striking his adversaries in the nuts. Because Steve the Rambling Communist just bounced off the ropes and made his right arm "SAY HELLO TO CROTCH". Upon impact, J.O.B.'s nuts are nearly obliterated, and the impact sends him right into Janito, who ends up getting pinned to the mat by J.O.B.'s near-unconscious body.

GP: There's a cover! Porn Julius is moving into position for the cover!

Porn Julius: One... two... um... uh... what comes after two?

El Janito: Tres, esse! TRES!

Porn Julius: Tres? Dammit! I meant in ENGLISH, you dumb Mexican!

Beef walks over.

Beef: It's three.

Porn Julius: Oh! Right! THREE!

*ding, ding, ding!*

(22:42 remaining.)
El Janito - 1
Beef - 0
Steve - 0

GP: And El Janito scores on this Invitational! J.O.B. rolls out of the ring, but remember that he can still participate in this match!

JT: Right. And who cares?

GP: Good point.

Janito gets up and wipes the drool off of his yellow bodysuit, and glances over at Steve the Rambling Communist, who is apparently setting up his stepladder. He involuntarilly gulps, knowing what Steve does to people using that stepladder. He felt somewhat relieved when the sounds of "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks started playing, but then he realized that it was the Dixie Chicks, and they suck. He begins hitting himself in the head, while screaming.

El Janito: AHHH!!! MAKE.. THE BAD MAN... STOP!!!

Four guys were heading to the ring. Nobody knew who they were, nobody except the three members of Mega Job: The Epic Tag Team. Mega Job knew them all too well. Too many times have they fought their evil plans, too many times have they foiled their plans, and too many times did El Janito hear Earl of Windsore's bitching about how evil sucks, and yet Windsore can't get away from it.

They were the Dark Order of Guys Named Earl.


GP: Who the fuck are these guys?

JT: I don't care, and I don't want to know.

The leader of the group seems to be wearing a turban, while the other members are just wearing T-shirts that say "EARL" on them. They enter the ring.

Poobah Earl: Ha ha ha HAAA!!!

Earl of Windsore: We are the Dark Order of Guys Named Earl! Mega Job, you will fall to us in your own game!

Earl Pearl: Because we are EEEEEVILLLLL!!!!!

Earl Earl: INDEEEEEEEDDDD!!!

Suddenly, Taka Michinoku and Funaki jump out from the crowd, pull Earl Pearl and Earl Earl out of the ring, and they get into a huge brawl over copyright infringments. This leaves Earl of Windsore and Poobah Earl in the ring to deal with three Mega Job members. ...Well, two and a half. I doubt we can consider Steve to be a full anything.

Poobah Earl: .....Shit.

Earl of Windsore: Well, I'm bailing out.

And with that, Earl of Windsore bails out. This leaves Poobah Earl, who stands in front of a very annoyed Beef the Slightly Annoyed, a very stereotyped El Janito: The Mexican Stereotype, and a very communistic Steve the Rambling Communist.

Poobah Earl: Um... can we, like, talk about this?

Steve: DENIED.

*WHISMACK!*

That sound you just heard was Steve the Rambling Communist using, for the second time in the night, the Clothesline From Shanghai. Poobah Earl kneels down in the center of the ring and clutches his nuts. This allows Janito to hook his head and drive him down with a Chowder y Almeja Loca, spinning a full revolution before DDTing Earl to the canvas. Janito turns to Beef. Beef turns to Janito.

El Janito: Well?

Beef: Well, what?

El Janito: Do the wavy arm and running about thing!

Beef: You mean that move that all those smart marks think is so utterly ridiculous that there's no way anyone with even a remote amount of dignity would ever job to it?

El Janito: Yes, Beef. *THAT* move.

Beef: Aww, can't we do this yet?

Beef whispers something in Janito's ear. Janito's facial expression turns to wonder, then delight.

El Janito: DUDE, ESSE! That is such a good idea! I'll get his legs!

Janito stands facing a turnbuckle and Earl's legs, and he picks his legs up. Beef climbs up to the top rope and looks at Janito and sticks his tongue out rather oddly.

Beef: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!

El Janito: WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING?!!?

Beef: WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING!??!!

El Janito and Beef: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Beef leaps off and drops his head right into Poobah Earl's crotch. Unfortunately, he gets himself stuck, and now he looks like he's giving a blowjob.

Beef: *muffled* AHH! I'M STUCK!

The Birdman comes over.

Mysterious Birdman: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!!! WHY BEEF, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SWUNG THAT WAY, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. HRM, OH WAIT, THIS IS A PIN, ISN'T IT? KAW KAW KAW... WELL, I WISH TYRA BANKS WOULD PIN ME THIS WAY!

The Birdman makes a count.

Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(16:21 remaining.)
El Janito - 1
Poobah Earl - 1
Beef - 0
Steve - 0

GP: My god! Poobah Earl is on the scoreboard!

El Janito: Now look what you did, esse! How am I expected to, like, totally job this match when you just made Earl job to you!?

Beef finally pries his face out from Poobah Earl's crotch.

Beef: Now I'll NEVER get this taste out of my mouth!

Beef spits out what can only be described as Poobah Earl's "crotch juice". Let's not go into any more description with that, shall we?

El Janito: Well, you didn't have to, like, dive head first, esse!

Beef: Alright, that's it!

And with that, Beef tackles Janito and begins hitting him like a weak school girl. Poobah Earl is still clutching his nuts from the beating they took, but then, to the delight of the crowd, "Smoke Two Joints" by Sublime hits, and Eddie Cheno comes down to the ring.

GP: EDDIE CHENO! IT'S EDDIE CHENO!

JT: Hoo-fuckin-ray.

Eddie Cheno comes to the ring, smoking his bong, and getting rather high. He enters the ring, and looks around.

Eddie Cheno: Yo, mang...

The crowd gives a huge pop just for Cheno saying "Yo, mang."

Eddie Cheno: What's dis shiznit goin' down and shityo?

Steve wanders over.

Steve: Invitational.

Eddie Cheno: Huh? Whadafuck?

Steve bounces off the ropes and goes for a third Clothesline From Shanghai, but Eddie Cheno gets the idea and jumps over the midget. Steve gets all confused and stuff, but then he turns around and eats a very low variation of Cheno's Needle Jab superkick.

Eddie Cheno: Dis shiznit be whack...

Cheno starts to leave, but Poobah Earl has made it to his feet and he shoves Cheno. Cheno turns around.

Poobah Earl: YOU! You're the one who backed out on our drug deal and cost us money! You rotten bastard! I should kick your ass right here and now! In fact, I will! Put up your duk- OOF!

Earl falls backwards, the victim of a glass bong to the forehead. Earl falls over and lands up on top of Steve. Porn Julius looks at this, shrugs, and makes the cover.

Porn Julius: Uno... dos... TRES!

*ding, ding, ding*

(13:33 remaining.)
El Janito - 1
Poobah Earl - 1
Steve - 1
Beef - 0

GP: And it's all tied up!

JT: Um, if we have a tie at the end of the Invitational, would that mean that we'd go into overtime?

Awkward pause.

GP: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT?!

JT: AHHH!!!

Eddie Cheno leaves the ring, since he really doesn't feel like staying around. Just as soon as he leaves, "Fear" by Disturbed hits, and the lights go to black. The video wall starts playing the Fear the Darkness video from 2000, and then the pumpkin flies into the screen, and Prunes, The Jack-O-Lantern From Hell, flies from the rafters into the ring.

Prunes: HIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

El Janito: Yo esse, you landed on Poobah Earl!

Poobah Earl: *muffled* Mmph! Mmmph!

Prune: WELL, HE HAS MADE NOISES LIKE THIS WHEN THE OTHER EARLS JUMPED ON HIM, SO HE'S PROBABLY USED TO HAVING BIG THINGS ON TOP OF HIM.

Beef: Ewww... now I'll NEVER get that thought out of my head!

(Porn Julius turns to the Birdman.)

Porn Julius: Hey, Birdman, would you consider a giant pumpkin on top of you to be considered getting pinned?

Mysterious Birdman: KAW KAW KAW... I'M NOT SO SURE. HE SEEMS TO BE SUCKING THE GIANT PUMPKIN'S DICK RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS A POSITION I'VE ONLY SEEN ONCE, BUT THAT WAS JUST A REALLY HOT CHICK SUCKING MY DICK WHEN I WAS IN A PUMPKIN SUIT, AND... OH, A PIN? SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT? MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!!!!

Birdman makes the count.

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(11:57 remaining.)
Poobah Earl - 2

El Janito - 1
Steve - 1
Beef - 0

GP: And Poobah Earl has unwillingly taken the lead in the Mega Job Invitational.

JT: Good. Let him keep the lead, so we can all go home happy.

GP: Indeed.

"Mingling With Mayhem" by Grand Agent plays. Out from the back comes Lt. Midwest Mayhem, a psychopathic cop with a hankering for violence. He rolls into the ring.

Lt. Midwest Mayhem: SON, DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE FALLING?!

Prunes: FUCK YOU.

Midwest Mayhem smacks Prunes upside the head with his nightstick. As he does this, Poobah Earl finally manages to peel himself out from under Prunes and falls over. Steve the Rambling Communist sees this and begins ascending the top turnbuckle. Lt. Midwest Mayhem continues to bitch out Prunes.

Lt. Midwest Mayhem: Now you see, mister... *glances down at a card* Prunes the Evil Jackass From Hell... you've broken some laws here. Failure to die upon impact of an eighty foot fall, failure to get off of a human being you fell on top of without a license, homoerotic thoughts...

Prunes: FUCK YOU.

Mayhem smacks Prunes upside the head again. El Janito walks over.

El Janito: Yo, esse, are you sure you should be smacking an evil jack-o-latern from hell like that?

Lt. Midwest Mayhem: Son, in my twenty years as a bona fide cop, nothin' scares me. Not even an evil jackass from he-

Midwest would like to finish that thought, but Prunes had just about enough of Midwest Mayhem, so he lunges forward, and chomps him in half, his legs falling lifelessly on the canvas. Janito looks at the legs, puts two and two together, gets five, then takes the legs and puts them on top of his chest, while meanwhile, in the background, Steve leaps off the top rope and lands the Iron Curtain(top rope senton) on Poobah Earl.

El Janito: OH! HE GOT ME! I'M BEING PINNED!

Porn Julius: Really, now? Doesn't he have to, like, have the rest of his body to be pinned?

El Janito: Dude! I've jobbed to my own cape! Come on!

Porn Julius: Oh... fine.

Julius moves in for the pin.

Porn Julius: Uno... dos... tres!

*ding, ding, ding*

(11:57 remaining.)
Poobah Earl - 2
El Janito - 2
Steve - 1
Beef - 0

GP: Um, shouldn't we, like, call the cops on Prunes? He just killed a man on national television!

JT: This is the IWO, Greg. We've gotten away with murder before.

GP: You mean like Dane Matthews' World Title reign?

JT: Exactly.

"Bury Me At Wal-Mart" by BJ Dowdy begins playing, and a booming voice is heard on the PA system.

Demi-God Of Wal-Mart: ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS... WOULD A CERTAIN PRUNES PLEASE LEAVE THE RING?

Prunes: ...OH, FINE. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO EAT YOU FUCKERS, ANYWAY. TIME FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING YAHTZEE!!!

And with that, Prunes leaves. The DGOWM continues.

Demi-God Of Wal-Mart: NOW, ANYWAY, TIME FOR YOU ALL TO DIE!!

GP: OH MY GOD!

The steel chairs that Greg Parker and JT are sitting on start levitating, and they end up flying into the ring. One of them hits Janito, the other hits a turnbuckle. Parker ends up sitting on the chairs that are now on top of Janito.

El Janito: Ah!!!

JT: ...someone get the license number of that truck that just hit me?

Demi-God Of Wal-Mart: WELL, ONE OUT OF TWO ISN'T BAD.

Julius sees that this is a pin and makes the count.

Porn Julius: Un... deux... trois!!

*ding, ding, ding!*

(9:33 remaining.)
El Janito - 3
Poobah Earl - 2
Steve - 1
Beef - 0

The Mysterious Birdman sees that Steve is still on top of Poobah Earl, and makes a count there, too.

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(9:28 remaining.)
El Janito - 3
Poobah Earl - 3
Steve - 1
Beef - 0

GP: Um, sorry about that...

El Janito: CAN'T... BREATHE...

Greg gets out of the chair he was sitting on. As he does so, Beef the Slightly Annoyed sneaks up behind him... watching... waiting...

Parker turns to Beef.

Beef: Hey! You're the smartass that keeps badmouthing me and Janito! Why I oughtta...

Kick in the gut! PIEBUSTER! PIEBUSTER TO GREG PARKER!

GP: HOLY PARK PLACE!

Beef turns to see that nobody that could possibly stop the next move he wants to do is in the ring, since JT is on the outside, Poobah Earl is still unconscious, and Steve and Janito want him to do the move. Beef manages, with some difficulty, to pull off his knee pad. He waves his arms around like an idiot, then runs off the ropes. Upon the rebound, he hops. The crowd yells "B"! He hops again. "E"! Again. "E"! The last hop takes him up and over Greg Parker. "F"! Beef then begins to do the Macarena, the crowd pops in turn. He then pulls out an egg out of nowhere and tosses it into the crowd, before he turns around and sticks his leg out over Parker. Instead of dropping the leg, Beef does the moonwalk backwards, then runs up and drops the leg on Parker.

The Epic Beef Drop.

Parker gets up almost immediately, however, and he looks rather annoyed.


GP: What the FUCK was that for? God!

Parker kicks Beef in the stomach and lands a DDT on him. JT slides into the ring in the meantime.

GP: That's what you get, bitch!

JT: Um, right. So, um... shall we leave and go back to the broadcasting position?

GP: No, wait! I've always wanted to do this!

Parker drops an elbow on Beef and makes a cover. Porn Julius wanders over.

Porn Julius: Ein... zwei... drei!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(6:45 remaining.)
El Janito - 3
Poobah Earl - 3
Steve - 1
Beef - 1

GP: WOO! I PINNED SOMEONE! GO ME! GO ME!

But suddenly, Beef gets up and rolls up Parker from behind! Birdman makes the count.

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(6:37 remaining.)
El Janito - 3
Poobah Earl - 3
Steve - 1
Beef - 1
Greg Parker - 1

Beef hightails it out of the ring just before Parker can get to his feet.

JT: Ha ha! He pinned you good, Gre- AH!

Janito quickly gets up and small packages JT! Another count by Birdman!

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(6:31 remaining.)
El Janito - 3
Poobah Earl - 3
Steve - 1
Beef - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

Janito high-tails it out of the ring with Beef, and Parker and JT get so frustrated that they begin chasing Mega Job around the ring. Beef rolls into the ring while Janito is still getting chased by Parker and JT. JT sees that Beef is back into the ring, and climbs in, but Beef nails him with a drop toe hold. He looks to the crowd, and they feel it coming. Beef looks up to the lights and lets out a primal scream.

Beef: ARRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMDRAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

With this yell, Beef sends JT into the ropes and waits for him to get back. When he gets back, Beef takes him down with a stunning armdrag. JT slides out of the ring and lands right on Greg Parker.

Steve: DIE.

Steve climbs up all the way to the top rope and leaps off with a suicidal plancha right onto Greg Parker and JT. Steve recovers quickly and slides back into the ring. "Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear" plays again, but not for the Birdman, who actually looks a bit confused(well, okay, more confused than usual), then El Pollo Diablo 0v0 comes out.

El Pollo Diablo 0v0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

Mysterious Birdman 0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

El Pollo Diablo 0v0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

Mysterious Birdman 0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

An awkward pause.

El Pollo Diablo 0v0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

Mysterious Birdman 0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!

El Pollo Diablo 0v0 leaves, as Parker and JT come back to their broadcast positions after recovering from the plancha.

GP: That was absurdly pointless.

JT: I agree.

Janito and Beef pull Jimmy One Ball back into the ring, and they decide to go for Tap OUT.

GP: What the hell...

Janito and Beef climb to opposite turnbuckles and aim at J.O.B. Beef leaps off with the Flying Legdrop That Always Misses while Janito leaps off with the Mexisault. Well, Beef was so off-target with the Flying Legdrop that it hit Poobah Earl, not J.O.B. The Mexisault, however, connects. Janito then pulls JOB on top of him while Beef does the same with him and Poobah Earl. Julius and Birdman count at the same time.

Porn Julius and Birdman: UnoKAW... dosKAW... tresKAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding!*

(3:11 remaining.)
El Janito - 4
Poobah Earl - 3
Beef - 2
Steve - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

GP: Please, god, let this match end so we can get into the REAL wrestling...

Beef pushes Earl off of him and just sort of lays there. Then... he breakdances.

Beef: RICE-A-ROONI!

Yes, indeed, the Rice-A-Rooni makes its second PPV appearance, and Beef is on his feet and staring at his hand while nodding his head repeatedly.

Beef: FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME! FIVE TIME!

El Janito: Five time what?

Beef: ......I have no idea. I just like saying it repeatedly! FIVE TIME!

Janito turns around to do something else, but Beef spins him around suddenly and small packages him, but then reverses his own momentum so his shoulders are pinned to the canvas!

Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(2:25 remaining.)
El Janito - 4
Poobah Earl - 3
Beef - 3
Steve - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

Beef tries to stay on for another pin, but Janito gets up off of Beef.

El Janito: Hey, esse, that wasn't cool!

Beef: Well, then...

GP: PORK RIND INFINITY TO JANITO!

JT: Well, what you consider to be a PorkRind Infinity, I guess.

Beef rolls Janito on top of him. Birdman makes the count.

Birdman: KAW... KAW... WHAT THE CLUCK!?

Steve had leapt off the top rope and Iron Curtained Janito to stop him from jobbing Beef out. Meanwhile, Poobah Earl, who is bascially somewhere between "Fucked Up Lane" and "Dream Street", gets to his feet, tries to take a step, then falls forward and lands on Beef.

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding!*

(1:45 remaining.)
El Janito - 4
Beef - 4
Poobah Earl - 3
Steve - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

GP: Oh no!

JT: IT'S TIED?! QUICK! PARKER! GET IN THERE AND DO SOMETHING!

Beef accidently rolls over and ends up pinning Poobah Earl.

Porn Julius: One little indian, two little indians... THREE LITTLE INDIANS!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(1:20 remaining.)
El Janito - 4
Beef - 4
Poobah Earl - 4
Steve - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

GP: A THREE-WAY TIE!

JT: NOOOO!!!

GP: That's it!

Parker enters the ring again and grabs Beef the Slightly Annoyed! BOARDWALK AND PARK PLACE(DVD)! He places Poobah Earl on top of him! Porn Julius looks at Birdman. Birdman looks at Julius.

Mysterious Birdman: WHAT THE CLUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Porn Julius: Sorry.

Birdman makes the count!

Mysterious Birdman: KAW... KAW... KAW!!!

*ding, ding, ding*

(0:45 remaining.)
Poobah Earl - 5
El Janito - 4
Beef - 4
Steve - 1
Greg Parker - 1
JT - 1

JT: Holy crap! Greg Parker might have just cost Mega Job the win in their own match!

Parker comes back.

GP: I am SO SICK and TIRED of Mega Job! I hope they lose this!

JT: It looks like they just might! Beef is out, Janito is out, Steve isn't getting up... it's practically over!

Janito crawls over and puts an arm on Beef, though!

GP: NO!

Birdman: KAW... KAW...

*ding, ding, ding*

Birdman: ...WHAT THE CLUCK?

There's a bit of confusion going on, then Meygon gets out her microphone and speaks.

Meygon: LAdies and gentlemen, at a time of exactly thirty minutes... the "winner" of this match at five jobs.... and the Mega Job Invitational Winner.... POOOOOBBBAAAAHHHH EAAARRRRLLLL!!!!

The other three members of the Dark Order of Guys Named Earl pull Poobah Earl out of the ring and give him his trophy. They high-tail it out of there.

Meygon: Now, please, god, tell me that's it...

Mega Job all get to their feet, and try to go after GP and JT, but security pulls them back, and out of the arena.

GP: Get them out of there!

JT: YEAH!

GP: Whew. Now, let's go to some REAL wrestling...

Scene cuts to the back stage.

Aubrey: Ugh... why the hell do we have to lug this thing around all the time, anyway?

Jack: `S for sitting on.

Aubrey: Ah.

With a sudden shove, they manage to fit the sofa through the door. Jack positions it in the center of the room, in front of the TV monitor.

Aubrey: Well, I'm gonna go grab some coffee from the caterer's table.

Jack: All right. I'll just sit on this here sofa, then.

Aubrey: You know, you have a big TLC match later tonight.

Jack: ...and?

Aubrey: Shouldn't you be warming up or something?

Jack: Good idea! I should go warm up my pre-match hot pockets!

Aubrey: Sigh.

Jack and Aubrey exit.


Return Match
The Hardcore Isoceles Trapezoid v. Evan Levine

GP: Well, anyway, aside from the hot pockets, it's now time for a return match from Utter Obliteration. HIT and Evan Levine. JT, explain this for the viewers at home.

JT: They hate each other.

GP: Yes. Good work, JT. Anyway, let's head to the ringside announcer, Meygon!

We cut to Meygon, who stands in the ring.

Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is a return match from Fear the Darkness! Introducing first...

"I'm Your Boogieman" by White Zombie begins playing, but Evan Levine doesn't come out. After about a minute of the song playing, it stops.

GP: What the hell? Where's Evan?!

Thomas Ford comes out to "Hail To The Chief", instead.

Thomas Ford: Well, since Evan Levine is out getting high somewhere on the interstate, and since HIT is a rather lazy fool, I'm going to have this match cancelled. Good day.

Ford leaves.

GP: .......That came out of left field.

JT: It sure did.

Television Title Match
Rob Kestler -c- v. Scott Styles v. Erik Blake

GP: This next upcoming match is for the IWO TV Title.

JT: Match? What we'll witness tonight will be a slaughter.

GP: How so JT?

JT: Com
'on now Greg. Kestler and IWO legend against Erik Blake and Scott Styles?

GP: It could happen.

JT: Right.

Meygon takes center ring to announce the wrestlers of this match.

Meygon: Coming to the ring now weighing in at 268 pounds...SCOTT STYLES!

"Hells Bells" by AC/DC hits the PA as Styles makes his way to the ring.

Meygon: Next challenger weighing in at 256 pounds...ERIK BLAKE!!

"Revelation" by D12 blares over the arena speakers as Erik Blake runs down the ramp into the ring, and immediately exchanges punches with Styles.

GP: They
're not even waiting for Kestler to enter the ring.

JT: Or for Meygon to leave it for that matter.

Meygon: And uh...the current IWO Television champion...Rob Kestler!

The fans give an enormous pop as Rob Kestler makes his way down the ramp into the ring. Meygon bolts out of there, as Kestler climbs the ring apron, and watches Blake and Styles brawl back and forth, seeming unaware of his presence.

JT: Blake and Styles are really going at it.

GP: Well the do have a history with each other. Short, but from the looks of it quite bitter.

*ding! ding!*

As the official calls for the bell, Kestler springboards into the ring with an amazing plancha from a wrestler who weighs in at three hundred pounds take out both Blake and Styles.

JT: Kestler takes down both men.

GP: Kestler going for the pin early on here.

Kestler covers Blake.

one

two

Kick out by Blake.


JT: Damn!

GP: Well he obviously wasn
't going out that easily.

Kestler pulls Blake to his feet, but Styles is up as well. Styles takes Kestler down with a clothesline. Styles no turns his attention to Erik Blake, and delivers a vicious kick to the ribs of Blake. Styles brings Blake to his feet, and plants him with a double arm DDT. Styles hooks the leg

one

two

Kestler breaks up the pin attempt. Styles charges at Kestler, but Rob Kestler leap frogs over him and Styles goes head first into the turnbuckle. Styles stumbles out of the corner. Kestler spins him around, and rolls him up in a small package.

one

two

Styles kicks out. Blake joins the action with a seton splash, but only hits canvas as both Styles and Kestler were able to roll out of the way.


JT: Hehe! He couldn
't even hit one of them! What a loser!

GP: I bet you wouldn
't say that to his face.

JT: Of Course not. I
'm a pussy.

GP: ...

JT: What? I
'm supposed to be ashamed? FUCK YOU!

Styles goes to lift Blake to his feet, but Kestler topples him with a flying forearm smash to the face. Kestler lays in a few stomps to the chest of Styles, before Blake nails him from behind with a Tiger suplex and bridges for the pin.

one

two

No! Kestler gets a shoulder up. Blake lift Kestler to his feet, and whips him into the ropes, but Kestler turns it into a shortarm clothesline. Kestler is on top of Blake now punishing him with a series of vicious shots to the face.

Styles breaks up the assault with a sitting dropkick to the back of the head of Kestler, sending in between the top and middle ropes. Blake tries to scramble to his feet, but Styles sends him cashing back to the mat with a double axe handle smash to the back. Styles then gives Erik Blake a wheelbarrow suplex, flinging him to the center of the ring. Styles drops to make the pin.

one

two

No! Kestler breaks it up with a leg drop of the top rope! Kestler grabs Styles and tosses him out of the ring to the unforgiving concrete on the outside. Blake slowly raises to his feet, but Kestler is waiting for him. Blake is up on two leg now. He turns around...and eats Kestler
's boot from a nasty superkick to the face.

JT: HA!

GP: Kestler could have this one wrapped up right here.

Kestler decides to climb to the top rope, he
's about to leap of the top, but Styles shakes the ropes crouching Kestler on the turnbuckle.

Styles re-enters the rope, climbs to the second rope and grapples Kestler. Scott Styles then gives Kestler a superplex sending Kestler back first into the downed Erik Blake.


GP: Nice move by Styles.

JT: That idiot Kestler could
've already won it by now.

GP: I thought you were rooting for him?

JT: I am.

GP: ...Then why are you calling him an idiot?

JT: Uhm...I dunno.

Styles sees an opportunity to pick up the win and quickly covers Rob Kestler.

one

two

Blake pulls Styles off of Kestler. Blake and Styles now brawling furiously here. Blake connects with a left to the jaw of Styles, and follows that up with a European uppercut.

Blake irish whips Scott Styles, and nearly decapitates him with a vicious lariat, which turns Styles inside out. Kestler back to his feet, and charges in, but Blake side steps him and Kestler goes crashing out of the ring.

Styles groggily rising to his feet, still feeling the effect of Blake
's lariat. Blake decks Styles in the gut, and gives him a cradle piledriver, slamming Styles directly on the neck.

Blake rips Styles to his feet, and sends him into the ropes. Styles comes bouncing back and...


GP: HIGHLIGHTER! HIGHLIGHTER!! BLAKE JUST NAILED STYLES WITH THE HIGHLIGHTER!

JT: I CAN
'T BELIEVE THIS! BLAKE'S GONNA WIN THIS MATCH!!

Blake thinking along the same lines hooks the leg for the cover.

one

two

.....

Thr-NO!! Kestler breaks up the pin, at the last possible second, springboarding himself into the ring and onto Blake and Styles.


JT: Thank god.

Blake assaults Kestler with a flurry of lefts and rights. Blake whips Kestler into the ropes. Blake goes for a spinebuster, but Kestler slides under his legs! Kestler hops on Blake
's shoulders, and takes him down with a reverse hurricanrana

JT: Nice move by Kestler.

Kestler lifts Blake to his feet, and slumps him up in the corner. Kestler hammers away at Blake with lefts and rights. But Blake grabs Kestler and tosses him into the corner, the two switch places. Blake chokes Kestler in the turnbuckle.

GP: Styles his back to his feet. He
's charging in!

Blake is unaware of the charging Scott Styles, but Kestler is. Kestler drops down in the corner, as Styles delivers a clothesline to Blake, sending him over to the outside.

JT: Styles and Kestler are left in the ring now.

Styles turns his attention to Kestler now, but as he turns...

JT: CALL FROM BEYOND!! KESTLER JUST NAILED SCOTT STYLES WITH THE CALL FROM BEYOND!!

One!

Two!

Three!!

*ding! ding!*

Meygon: Winner and STILL IWO Television Champion!!...ROB KESTLER!!

Kestler starts celebrating, but he stops his celebration, however, as
"Outshined" by Soundgarden suddenly blasts across the sound system. A few fans in the crowd realize what's going on, but most sit and stare at the entrance. Few cheers turn into an eruption as from the back appears the man known simply as Steve Christ. The oft-overlooked little brother of Jesus walks down the ring, carrying an unidentifiable title belt in the crook of his arm.

JT - Wow…Steve Christ. Can you believe it?

GP - Considering he
's in the ring, yes.

Steve reaches into the back pocket of his old jeans and pulls out a microphone, as Kestler looks on intently.

SC - I
'm sorry, Mr. Kestler, but you're going to have to give that to me.

Kestler - But giving away titles to religious figures isn
't silly!

SC - Regardless, give me the belt.

Kestler - Why?

SC - Because we
're retiring the Television Title, that's why~!

A loud gasp emits from the small section of the crowd that cares about the TV Title.

Kestler - That doesn
't make any sense at all!

SC - Ehh, Dad works in mysterious ways, you know?

Kestler thinks about the last statement, and hands the belt over.

SC - Thank you. You can leave now.

"Stayin' Alive" by Ozzy Osbourne plays again as the old TV Champ leaves.

SC - Now, onto my other business. As none of you probably know by now, I am the brand-spankin
'-new IWO Commissioner. For those of you who are wondering the real reason I'm retiring the TV Title…well…it's because I'm re-introducing a new one!

Zoom in on the title belt as Steve says it
's name.

SC - The IWO Cruiserweight Title~!

The crowd reacts favorably, as some people still appreciate the cruisers.

SC - And, to be honest, a Cruiserweight division just wouldn
't be the same without the man who has changed the way IWO fans look upon the lightweights…Flyer, come on down!

"Loco" by Coal Chamber starts up as the retired Grand Slam champion walks out to the ring, looking noticeably confused.

Flyer - What do you want? I
'm retired, you know.

SC - Look, Flyer, when people think about cruiserweights, they think about you. It just wouldn
't be right to have the first IWO Cruiserweight Champion be anybody else.

Steve straps the gold around Flyer
's waist, and pats him heartily on the back.

SC - There. Go make me proud.

"Outshined" starts playing again as we go to a video promoting the upcoming Ice Age 4. Then the camera cuts backstage to Jack Breaker's locker room, once again. Jack is sprawled out on the couch, and El Janito: The Mexican Sterotype is sitting in a chair next to him. They seem to be engaged in a heated discussion.

Jack: No, no, no! WHO'S on first!

Janito: I don't know!

Jack: He's on third base!

Janito: How did I get on third base, esse?

Jack: You mentioned the guy's name!

Janito: Who's name?

Jack: No, he's on first!

Janito: Who's on first?

Jack: Exactly!

Janito: Listen, all I want to know is what's the guy's name on first base?

Jack: No, what is on second base. Who's on first!

Janito: I don't know!

Jack: He's on third, we're not talking about him!

Janito: Who's on third?

Jack: No, WHO'S ON FIRST!

Janito: I don't know!

Jack: THIRD BASE!

Cut back out to the announcer's table.

JT: That raises a very important question... who is on first?

GP: I thought who was on second.

JT: No, who's on first!

GP: I don't know!

JT: You are impossible.

Extreme Title Match
AWS Man (also known as Bill) -c- v. Harold Hash

GP : It's now time for the Extreme title defense for this PPV.

JT : BLOOD! WHOOOOOOO!!!

GP : Indeed. Extreme champion AWS Man (also known as Bill) is going to be defending his title against Harold Hash, in what's sure to be one hell of a fight.

JT : No it's not! Are you on crack? AWS Man (also known as Bill) is a Grand Slam champion. Harold Hash doesn't even work here!

GP : Um ... actually, he does.

JT : He does? I thought he was just some bum that we picked up at a crackhouse.

GP : Well, he works here, and he's worked here for quite some time, too. He's a former IML World champion!

JT : The IML. Psssshhh. All pollyjib and blabberpock!

GP : Um ... yeah. JT, have you been taking your medication lately?

JT : My left shoe told me to throw it out.

GP : That's ... what I thought. Let's just get up to Meygon for the introductions.

JT : Fine, if you want to defy my left shoe!

GP : I do.

JT : Oh, OK then.

Meygon : The following contest is set for one fall, and is for the IWO Extreme title!

Some of the fans pop. The fans next to them are splattered with blood. It's not all gravy.

Meygon : Introducing first, hailing from Raleigh, NC ... a former IML World champion ... he stands at 6'1", and weighs in at 235 pounds ... he is the master of - hell if I'm saying that whole thing ... he is accompanied tonight by Pen, the World's Most Dangerous Inanimate Object, which he stole from AWS Man (also known as Bill) in a desperate attempt to get heel heat, which is odd since AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s a heel himself ... he is HAROOOOOLLLLLLDDDD HHHHAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!

"Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse plays as Harold Hash makes his way out from the back, waving the Insane One's spatula buddy around. He receives mainly boos, but a few fans cheer just at seeing Pen's devilishly handsome figure. Hash struts down to the ring and climbs up onto the apron. He tries to jump over the top rope, but one of his feet catches the bottom rope, and Hash falls flat on his face. As the fans laugh at him like Spaniards, whatever that means, Hash angrily gets up and yells at Pen before tossing the spatula into a corner and facing the entrance ramp.

JT : Ha, look! Pen still has some pancake batter on him from when Hash used him as a spatula to make pancakes!

GP : That was just wrong.

JT : ...But he IS a spatula.

GP : Well, it was still wrong!

Meygon : Next, hailing from Freakville, NC, which I think is just AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s name for the same place Hash is from ... he is the current Extreme champion, and the second ever IWO Grand Slam champion, and he self-professedly tastes 75% more like chicken than the first one ... he stands at 6'1" and weighs in at 236 pounds, having a whole pound advantage over the challenger ... he is the master of the Win the Freakin' Matchifier, as well as a bunch of other stupid-sounding moves that all have "freak" in the title ... he is AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL)!!!

"Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang blasts as AWS Man (also known as Bill) runs out from the back. He sprints down the entrance ramp, throwing off his Extreme title as he does so.

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s ready for action! He wants revenge for the theft of his best inanimate friend!

The Insane One slides into the ring and springs to his feet, taking a step towards Hash, before suddenly pausing and looking down.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Whoops, my freakin' boot's smudged! I can't go out in freakin' public like this!

The Insane One bends down and begins calmly polishing his boot. Hash looks at this for a moment before running and delivering a Fame-ass-er on AWS Man (also known as Bill), laying out the champ.

JT : I can't believe AWS Man (also known as Bill) lost all that momentum because his damn boot was smudged.

GP : You can't? This is AWS Man (also known as Bill), after all.

JT : ...OK, I can, but still!

Hash wastes no time in picking AWS Man (also known as Bill) up off his feet ... except for all the time he wastes playing a game of Uno with the ref. A few plays into the game, AWS Man (also known as Bill) gets up and crawls over.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Hey, Uno! That's my freakin' third-favorite colored matching card game where you yell "Uno" when you're about to win!

Hash : Hey, mine too!

The Insane One sits down and begins playing Uno with Hash and the ref.

GP : Um ... why are they playing Uno?

JT : I know! They should be playing War! That game was wiggedy wiggedy wack!

Ref : Green 5!

Hash : Green 3!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Red 3!

Hash : Hey hey hey, I don't like red! I like green, damn it!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Too freakin' bad! Red could kick your ass and rape your mom!

Hash : What did you say about submarines, you bastard?!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : I didn't freakin' say anything about submarines.

Hash : YOU LIIIIEEEEE!!!

Hash swipes the Uno deck, sending cards flying, and leaps onto AWS Man (also known as Bill). The two scuffle around on the ground for several moments, with Hash ending up on top.

Hash : (Emphasizing each word with a punch afterwards) I'll ... learn ... you ... to ... talk ... smack ... about ... submarines!

Out of desperation, the Insane One headbutts Harold in the face. Hash sits back woozily, but comes back with a headbutt of his own to AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s face. However, since AWS Man (also known as Bill) wears a paintball mask, this just hurts Hash more, and he collapses off of the Insane One. AWS Man (also known as Bill) quickly gets to his feet and pulls Hash up with him. The Insane One shoots Hash off the ropes and runs after him. As Hash hits the ropes on the other side, AWS Man (also known as Bill) leaps with a cross body block, knocking both men over the top rope. As he falls, though, the Insane One somehow gets one of his legs tangled up in the ropes, and hangs there, dangling upside down.

GP : Uh-oh. This doesn't look too good for the Extreme champion, here.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) starts screaming "freak" a lot, but the referee is too busy searching for one of his beloved Uno cards to worry about freeing the Insane One. Meanwhile, Hash recovers on the outside and grabs a chair. Smiling, he walks over to AWS Man (also known as Bill) and rears back.

GP : Oh, come on! He can't do this!

JT : I know! (Rummages under desk) He needs to give me time to find my camera first! This should be sweet!

Hash swings and nails the living poop out of the Insane One with a chairshot. AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes limp in the ropes, but Harold continues the punishment, blasting the Insane One three more times in a row with the chair. The fans begin booing the hell out of Hash for his dastardly deeds, except for the ones who are still fantasizing about Pen. But they've got problems, anyway.

GP : I can't believe this! Hash is a sick man!

JT : I hope it's not with gonorrhea. That hurts like a bitch.

Hash smiles at his handiwork, then appears to get an idea. He opens up the chair partly and starts trying to fit it over AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s head.

GP : Um ... what's he doing?

JT : YES! YES! GOD, YES! HE'S GOING TO BREAK HIS HEAD!

GP : ...I don't think you can do that.

JT : Of course you can! Heads break easy, just you watch!

Hash doesn't seem to be able to get the chair to quite fit over AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s head. It keeps slipping off whenever he lets go.

Hash : (Frustrated) Arrrrgggghhhh! Why can't your head be shaped like Arm-For-A-Head Boy's?!

Arm-For-A-Head Boy : (In the front row) Yeah! You tell that deformed freak!

Hash finally give up trying and removes the chair. Instead of putting it up, though, he turns the chair sideways and brings it back, aiming towards AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s neck.

GP : My God, no! He's going to break AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s windpipe!

JT : Oh man, even I can't condone this ... Wait, the hell I can't! Go Hash! WHOOOOO!!!

Just as Hash begins to swing, AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s hand darts out, headed straight in between Hash's legs. The Insane One turns his hand flat and begins making a rapid sawing motion with it, all up in Hash's junk.

GP : AAAHHHHHHHH!!! THE BUZZ-FREAKIN'-SAW! AWS Man (also known as Bill) has his excruciating submission locked in on Hash from his upside down position!

JT : Now THIS is wrong!

Hash drops the chair, his eyes going wide. He manages to stumble back and fall down, clutching his squirmy-feeling crotch. - OOC: As probably the only person reading this to have ever felt the actual Buzz Saw, that's the best way I know to describe it. Trust me, you'd know what I was talking about if your brother ever ran up and slapped it on you FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER EXCEPT THAT HE'S A SICK SON OF A BITCH!!

GP : And Hash escapes the move!

JT : Lucky for him and The General.

GP : The ... General?

JT : Yeah, isn't that what you call yours?

GP : Um ... don't talk to me anymore. Ever.

As Hash recovers from the evilest submission in all of wrestling, the referee finally gets all his Uno cards back in the pack and goes to free AWS Man (also known as Bill). The Insane One tumbles down next to Hash, but gets up again at the same time as his foe. Hash goes for a wild right hand, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) ducks low and spears Hash into the guardrail. As Hash holds his back, the Insane One backs up and nails him with the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off (thrust kick), knocking Hash over the guardrail and into the fans.

GP : Knock Your Freakin' Head Off! Knock Your Freakin' Head Off! Knock Your
Freakin' Head Off!

JT : Is the move really that great?

GP : Well, no, but it's got such a hyperbolic name!

JT : ...Ever say the word "hyperbolic" again and I'll personally make sure that every fan in this arena kicks your ass.

GP : OK, that's more than fair enough.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) clambers over the guardrail and lifts Hash up by the hair. He drags Hash through the crowd, pummeling Hash's back as he does so. Once the two have made it almost to the area that goes backstage, AWS Man (also known as Bill) takes a running start and tosses Hash over the barrier that separates the fans from the area under the entrance ramp. AWS Man (also known as Bill) clambers over as well, but as he goes to pick his opponent up, Hash elbows the Insane One hard in the gut. As AWS Man (also known as Bill) staggers back around, Hash comes up from behind and hooks both his arms as if for an Impaler/I'm Prettier/whatever Christian wants to call his move now. He then drops to one knee as he brings AWS Man (also known as Bill) down hard onto the knee, in a reverse double-underhook backbreaker.

JT : Ouchers!

GP : Ouchers? That's all you have to say about that?

JT : Um ... double ouchers?

GP sighs. Meanwhile, back in the match, Hash covers.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ...

AWS Man (also known as Bill) kicks out. Slightly frustrated, Hash drags AWS Man (also known as Bill) up with one arm into a short-arm clothesline with the other. Needless to say, the Insane One drops right back down. Hash covers again.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ...

The Insane One again kicks out. Hash stomps on AWS Man (also known as Bill) a few times before walking back towards the ring.

JT : What's he doing?

GP : Oh, like I know!

JT : If you were so smart, you would. And you'd also know the square root of 64.

GP : 8.

JT : Ahhhhhh!! It's one of those calculators that eats people's brains and takes over their bodies!

GP : JT, I really don't think you should've thrown your medication away.

JT : Oh, you sound just like my blue T-shirt.

As the announcers have been talking, Hash has reached the ring and grabbed Pen. He makes his way back to where AWS Man (also known as Bill) is woozily making his way to his feet.

GP : Oh no! If Hash nails AWS Man (also known as Bill) with Pen, it's all over! Nobody survives a Pen-shot!

As soon as the Insane One straightens all the way out, Hash rushes in swinging Pen, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) ducks and lifts Hash onto his shoulders for the Break Your Freakin' Neck (Russian Hammer-style reverse DVD). He drops him with the move, then covers.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

Hash gets the shoulder up.

GP : I thought that was all she wrote for Harold Hash.

JT : All who wrote?

GP : You know ... she.

JT : Yeah, and I'M the one who needs to take medication.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks Hash up and waves his arm around in the air randomly.

GP : You know what this means! ... Wait, what does this mean?

JT : That he's an idiot?

GP : Yeah, I guess.

The Insane One scoops Hash up onto his shoulder for the Drop You On Your Freakin' Face (Emerald Fusion). As he's about to drop him, Hash's legs catch onto the side of the entrance ramp, and Hash manages to slip free onto the ramp. As he does so, he wraps his arm around the front of AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s neck and leaps with a Diamond Dust.

GP : Diamond Dust by Hash! That's the first part of his finisher with the long-ass name!

Not wasting any time, Hash lifts AWS Man (also known as Bill) up and deposits him on a nearby table. Hash then moves around to the ramp and walks down a little until it gets low enough for him to slide onto it. Hash walks back up to the top of the ramp and pauses at the edge, right about the table with AWS Man (also known as Bill) on it. Hash looks around and raises his arms in the air, signaling for the second half of his finisher.

GP : Hash is about to end this thing! There's no way that AWS Man (also known as Bill) can take this!

JT : Moo.

Suddenly, AWS Man (also known as Bill) springs to his feet, standing on top of the table. He reaches over and low blows Hash, who apparently wasted too much walking all the way around and posing. The Insane One then leaps and catches the edge of the top of the ramp, pulling himself up. Before Hash can recover from the nut shot, AWS Man (also known as Bill) scoops him up onto his shoulder, takes a running step, and leaps off the edge of the ramp, driving both himself and Hash through the table below the ramp.

GP : Oh my GOD!

Joey Styles : Hey, that's my line!

GP : Oh, shut up. ECW's not even around any more.

Joey Styles : You're mean...

Fans : HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

After a lengthy amount of time, AWS Man (also known as Bill) rolls over into the cover.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

Hash gets the shoulder up at the last possible second.

GP : WHAT THE HELL?! Hash kicked out!!

JT : I guess he really is full of pep and vinegar!

GP : Either that or he's so stoned he can't really feel pain.

AWS Man (also known as Bill), disbelieving, wearily gets to his hands and knees. He crawls over and grabs Pen from where Hash dropped him earlier. He holds Pen in a ready position as Hash slowly struggles to his feet.

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s about to finish Hash off! I don't think there's any way Hash can survive getting hit by Pen, no matter how much pep and vinegar or weed he has in him.

Suddenly, just as Hash rises to his feet, AWS Man (also known as Bill) swings Pen around and nails himself full force in the back of the head. He collapses like a sack of wet bricks, or something like that.

GP : Um ... WHAT?!

Hash crawls over and rolls the Insane One over. He makes the cover, and the referee has no choice but to count.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3!

DING DING DING!

GP : What has just happened here?!

JT : The hell if I know!

Hash uses the side of the ramp to pull himself to his feet. He picks up Pen before he's handed his Extreme title. Harold Hash raises Pen high in one hand and his Extreme title high in the other as "Hacksaw Decapitation" plays.

GP : Wait a damn minute ... Did we just see Pen ... turn on AWS Man (also known as Bill)?

JT : I ... guess.

Hash pulls himself up onto the ramp and stumbles to the back, celebrating with his new manager Pen.

GP : Um ... Let's move on, shall we?

We cut to the backstage area. Rob Kestler is sitting backstage, with Cassie, but without the Television Title, as Steve Christ had taken the Television title from Kestler, citing that "dad works in mysterious ways".

Rob Kestler: I don't feel very silly, right now. :-(

Cassie: You're still very silly, sillykins!

Rob Kestler: But... but... I can't be a TV star, now! I don't have the TV title!

A knock on the door, followed by someone walking in. He was a few inches shorter than Kestler, but he was all too familiar to IWO viewers, and they cheered him on.

It was Joey Malone, former IWO World Champion and the last known holder of the IWO Unified title.


Joey Malone: Hello, Robbie Rob Rob... *sees that Kestler is a bit down* ...what's wrong?

Rob Kestler: I don't feel especially silly, right now.

Joey Malone: Aww... cheer up! I brought you something!

Joey Malone gives Rob Kestler what appears to be a title belt. The title belt that was pretty much in the ownership of Joey Malone. The Unified Title.

Joey Malone: Tom wanted me to give this back to the federation, and I forgot that I still had that lump of tin when I left the IWO, and still yet, it doesn't really have a name. Then I realized that there was quite an interesting history that went with the US title! Therefore, the Unified Title is now called the IWO United States title. Does that seem nice and shiny to you, Robbie?

Rob Kestler: Derp.

Joey Malone: Moo.

Cassie: MOODOODLE!

Joey Malone: Indeed.

Malone walks away, as the scene cuts back to the arena.

GP: Uh, I guess the IWO has the United States title, once again...

JT: AH!

Grudge Match
Dane Wilt v. Gunnar Smith
"All Right Oh Yeah" by Local H starts playing through the PA system, and the fans stand up on their feet, awaiting the arrival of Dane Wilt.

GP: This is sure to be an insane matchup, pitting two veterans one on one in a grudge match for the ages!

JT: Yeah, and after what Dane Wilt had to say earlier tonight when we opened up the show, you've got to wonder what kind of tricks he has up his sleeve!

Oddly enough, Dane Wilt does not walk through the curtain and into the arena...

GP: I wonder what's going on...

Suddenly, Dane Wilt and Gunnar Smith enter through the curtain, beating the living hell out of each other. Smith nails a spear that sends Dane Wilt spiraling down the steel ramp!

GP: And these two men aren't wasting any time, that's for sure!

JT: Looks like these guys don't even want to wait around for their entrances...

Smith drags Wilt to his feet by the hair, and pushes him under the bottom rope and into the ring. The bell rings as the match officially gets underway.

GP: Here we go!

An Irish whip attempt by Smith is reversed by Wilt to one of his own, and Gunnar goes flying into the ropes. Dane Wilt, however, follows up with a huge clothesline, sending both men over the top rope and to the arena floor.

JT: And there they went! Ha!

GP: Both competitors seem awfully antsy tonight... they better keep their issues inside the ring though, the referee is starting the ten count!

Referee: One!

Dane Wilt picks up Gunnar Smith and drops him neck-first over the steel guardrail.

Referee: Two!

A flurry of punches sends Gunnar Smith stumbling backwards, but a clothesline attempt by Dane is sidestepped into a drop toe-hold onto the steel steps!

Referee: Three!

GP: Nice move there by Gunnar Smith! Looks like ring rust is one thing he doesn't have so far tonight, and I think we can say the same about Dane Wilt.

Smith pushes Dane Wilt back into the ring, and goes for the quick cover.
GP: Our first cover of the night! One! Two! Kickout by Dane Wilt with ease!

JT: Ha, Gunnar is retarded in the head if he thinks he can get the duke over Dane Wilt that easily!

Dane Wilt is dragged up to his feet by Gunnar, who whips him into the corner. The blind charge is ducked, reversed into a modified sunset flip rollup by Dane!
GP: One! Two! Not enough!

JT: Oh, and Gunnar Smith is met with a hard dropkick as he gets up to his feet! And what's this? Dane Wilt is heading to the outside of the ring - he's heading for the Conviently Placed Steel Chairs!

Dane Wilt grabs a steel chair and jumps up on the ring apron, but Gunnar Smith jumps up to his feet and PASTES Dane with a superkick to the chair, which bounces off the face of Dane, sending him crashing to the concrete!

JT: Van Daaaaaaaaamn that was a sweet move!

GP: Looks like Gunnar Smith is heading out there with Dane Wilt... he nails Dane with a flying elbowdrop off the ring apron!

JT: Yeah, looks like the referee has got his work cut out for him tonight, too - he's starting another mandatory ten-count.

Referee: One!

Gunnar Smith stands over Dane Wilt, taunting him viciously... until he's met with a low blow courtest of Dane! Now Dane connects with a series of rights and lefts, sending Gunnar reeling once again.

Referee: Two!

Wilt goes for a European uppercut, but it's countered with a kick to the stomach...

Referee: Three!

DDT on the concrete floor by Gunnar Smith!

JT: Ouch! Smith is really on the top of his game tonight!

Referee: Four!

Dane Wilt is starting to crawl away from the ringside area, and Gunnar Smith is slowly walking after him.

Referee: Five!

Wilt finally manages to get back to his feet... and is met with a punch squarely to the jaw by Smith.

Referee: Six!

GP: They better make sure they make it back into the ring in time...

Smith goes for another knockout punch, but Wilt blocks it and counters with one of his own. Smith tries again, but once more is countered!

Referee: Seven!

Now both men are furiously punching each other back and the forth while walking up the ramp, and the crowd is really starting to get into it.

Referee: Eight!

JT: Jeez, look at that! Shades of Sullivan/Benoit!

Referee: Nine!

Both Dane Wilt and Gunnar Smith tumble up through the curtain and into the backstage area, still punching away like madmen.

JT: Boo!

Referee: Ten!

The bell rings, and both men are nowhere to be found.

GP: Well that's a little odd...

Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, this matchup has been ruled a DOUBLE COUNTOUT!

Of course, this decision is met with a chorus of boos from the fans, and as the camera cuts back to the announcers, they are equally befuddled.

GP: It's pretty rare to see a countout on pay-per-view.

JT: Ha! It sounds like Dane Wilt's big plans didn't really go through like he wanted!

GP: Well, at any rate fans, we must be moving along...

Cut once again back to Jack Breaker's locker room. He and Aubrey Breaker are lounging on the sofa, watching the show on their TV.

Aubrey: Hey, your match is up next, isn't it?

Jack: I should think so.

Aubrey: Well, where's Rodeo?

Jack: I thought you knew.

Aubrey: I thought you guys were just playing hide-and-seek again.

Jack: Nah, we can't really do that anymore. Remember last time, when Erik Blake got locked in that closet?

Aubrey: Yeah... how did he get the key inside with him, anyway? I mean, it's not like there's a keyhole in there.

Jack: Don't ask me to describe politics.

Aubrey: I didn't...

Jack: Yeah, whatever. I have a match to get ready for. Why didn't you remind me?

Aubrey: I did!

Jack: Oh.. yeah.

Suddenly, Rodeo and the Hamburglar burst into the room.

Rodeo: Jack, quick! The kangaroos are getting restless!

Aubrey: What kangaroos?

Rodeo: The ones we're riding out to the ring on!

Aubrey: No one told me about any kangaroos.

Rodeo: Oh, yeah. Imagine that. Uhm... we've got a match! Hurry hurry!

Hamburglar: ROBBBLE ROBBLE!

All four exit. We come back to the ringside area to find that Nikki is there.

JT: What the HELL are you doing here?

Nikki: Spoiling the continuity of the show. I expect to disappear after this match.


IWO World Tag Title Match
Tables, Ladder, and Chairs Match
Those Damned Mexicans -c- v. The Jack Daniels Connection v. The Suicide Kings

GP: Weird. Anyway, folks, we have one HELL of a match for you up next! It's a three-way TLC Match for the IWO World Tag Team Titles and IWO Black World Tag Team Titles! Let's look at some of the highlights from over the past few weeks of this epic feud!

JT: No, Gregory. We will NOT review this. THE PAST DOESN'T MATTER!

GP: You're sounding like TDM.

JT: Come on, they're only the best tag team in history…

GP: More like the most hypocritical! Look at these guys, saying that the past doesn't matter when they use past defeats as a reference to victory!

JT: So? Other than the fact that they haven't been beaten by any of the teams in the IWO today, they don't care about the past!

Nikki: I think Edguardo's sexy, personally…

JT: That's nice, you horny bitch.

Nikki: I'm not going to smack you, because I'm too busy dreaming about Edguardo humping me…

Nikki starts to daydream.

GP: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyway…

"Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin starts to play, as the IWO World Tag Team Titles are lowered from the ceiling. The Jack Daniels Connection marches out to a huge pop. HUGE.

Meygon: THE FOLLOWING CONTEST…is a TLC Match scheduled for one fall, and one ladder-climbing! Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of…

Just then, "Black Dog" is replaced with "I Wanna Fuck A Dog In The Ass" by Blink 182. The JDC both turn to the Big Screen. Two badly redubbed videos of each member of the JDC singing along are shown in the bottom left and bottom right corners. Pictures of TDM kicking their asses are shown, and Jack Breaker and Rodeo Daniels look a lot less pissed than they are. They storm to the ring, and pull out tables. The crowd pops for the overused objects of doom.

GP: How disrespectful can you get? TDM is disgracing the Jack Daniels Connection for no reason at all!

JT: If you were named after a liquor, you'd be disgraced, too!

After this is done, "Between Angels and Insects" by Papa Roach starts to play, and the crowd roars with joy as former three-time IWO World Tag Team Champions, the Suicide Kings, walk out, with Ryan making a "Belt Here Soon" gesture with his hands and Jeff carrying a ladder. However, this is cut off by "The Man Lover Song" by Marc Sanchez (TDM Remix)! The infamous badly redubbed videos are shown, with Jeff and Ryan "singing along." The Suicide Kings are really, REALLY pissed-off. They just throw the ladder into the ring, and wait for TDM, just like their opponents, the Jack Daniels Connection.

GP: You can smell the tension in the air…

JT: Whoops, too many bean burritos for dinner…

The tension is shattered when "Johnny" by System of a Down starts to play. The boos are so loud, old men across the world lose their hearing. Edguardo and Diablo, Those Damned Mexicans, double-tag champs, walk out leisurely, the IWO Black Tag Team Titles being carried by Edguardo on a leash. Diablo and Edguardo each have a chair. The JDC charge the double champs, and the Suicide Kings follow suit, as the match begins!

GP: HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO!

The Suicide Kings are currently double-teaming Edguardo, and the JDC are currently double-teaming Diablo. The Kings throw Edguardo into the ring, as Diablo is taken to by the JDC outside the ring. Just then, running from the audience, is The Gap Worker! The Gap Worker low blows Jack Breaker, and the blow is hard enough for Breaker to turn around. The Gap Worker pokes Breaker in the eye, and starts laughing his ass off. Unfortunately…he doesn't see Steve the Rambling Communist! The World's Only Proletarian Wrestler Midget grabs The Gap Worker's balls, and climbs the steel steps, since there is no stepladder around. Everyone knows what's coming up next…

The Marxist Theorem.


Steve: TENOR.

The Gap Worker: …let me go!

Steve: CASTRATO.

Steve leaps off the steel steps, and The Gap Worker screams on a painfully high note. Clutching his testes in agony, The Gap Worker runs like hell as Steve the Rambling Communist chases after.

GP: …umm…that was interesting…

Meanwhile, Diablo has dropped Rodeo Daniels with a quick DDT, and delivered a Fame-asser to Jack Breaker. He slides in to the ring, where the Suicide Kings are preparing to deliver a double wheelbarrow suplex to Edguardo onto the ladder! Diablo takes out the legs of Ryan, and Jeff charges after Diablo. Edguardo applies the waistlock, and damn near hits a German suplex onto the ladder, but Jeff lands on his feet. Edguardo charges…

Right into a spinebuster on the ladder.


GP: YEAH! GET THOSE MEXICAN BASTARDS!

JT: Greg, they can sue your ass, and win.

Edguardo is thrown out of the ring by Jeff King, and Jeff sets his attention to Diablo, who has been beating up on Ryan King. Jeff peels Diablo off, and delivers several punches before a palm thrust flurry. Jeff King gets into a crane position as Ryan grabs a chair and throws it in front of Diablo, and Jeff delivers an awesome Karate Kid-like kick THROUGH THE CHAIR INTO DIABLO! Diablo crumples into a fetal position, and the Suicide Kings roll HIM out of the ring! They don't even want the IWO Black World Tag Titles! They set up the ladder, and the crowd goes absolutely crazy! Ryan smartly starts to climb as Jeff guards at the bottom of the ladder. Unfortunately, Jeff can't handle the double clothesline from the Jack Daniels Connection. As Ryan nears the top, Jack Breaker practically flies up to the top of the ladder. He and Ryan go punch for punch, and Jack stuns Ryan with a heart punch. But Ryan won't let go. Suddenly, Breaker looks down. Down at a table that sits outside the ring. A sick, sick smile crosses Breaker's face. What the hell is he planning?

GP: What the hell is he planning?

JT: YES! BLOODY! BLOODY!

Breaker hooks in a front facelock.

Rodeo Daniels: JACK! DON'T DO IT! YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!

Jack Breaker: What? I'm just putting him in a front facelock on top of the ladder! What, you think I'm crazy enough to deliver a Clockwork DDT off of this?

Rodeo Daniels sighs in relief.

Jack Breaker: YOU'RE RIGHT!

The crowd screams as Breaker spins around and flies off the ladder. Time seems to slow to the point of infinity as Breaker and Jeff begin their plunge to the bottom, to the table that lies below. Just when you think it's all going to stop, time returns to normal as Breaker crashes through the table with Jeff King, in the Clockwork DDT. Off a ladder. Through a table.

GP: OH MY GOD! MY GOD! THIS IS THE MOST UNREAL THING I'VE EVER SEEN! JACK BREAKER SACRIFICED HIS BODY FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!

JT: DAMN! THIS IS INSANELY AWESOME!

GP: YOU SADISTIC BASTARD! JACK BREAKER COULD BE DEAD! SO COULD JEFF KING!

JT: EVEN BETTER! WHOO!

Rodeo is so concerned about the health of his partner, he slides out of the ring to check on him. Jack is conscious, but you can hear him mumbling something about the pretty horses on the blue lawn. Just then, TDM strikes on Rodeo from behind! Diablo sets him up for a suplex as Edguardo decides to go after Ryan King, who is currently climbing the ladder! Edguardo dropkicks the ladder, and it topples down, sending Ryan King stomach-first into the crowd railing!

GP: MY GOD! This is the sickest match I've called in a long, long time!

JT: And isn't it fucking great?

Meanwhile, Diablo lifts up Rodeo Daniels for the vertical suplex, but Daniels won't have it. He falls forward, hooks him up, and delivers a mighty Cactus Suplex (inverted salto suplex)!

GP: CACTUS SUPLEX! CACTUS SUPLEX! What a great counter by Rodeo Daniels! He's going after Edguardo now!

JT: He'd better hurry, because it looks like Edguardo is setting up the ladder!

JT is right. Edguardo IS setting up the ladder. And as Edguardo climbs it, Daniels grabs a chair. Rodeo climbs the ladder as well, except Edguardo has no idea that Rodeo is there. When Rodeo reaches the top, Edguardo's back is turned to him, because Edguardo is flipping off the crowd. Daniels takes his chair, lifts it up…

And down it comes, right on top of Edguardo's skull. Edguardo clasps his head, but then plummets to the canvas. Rodeo then climbs a little further. The World Tag Team Titles are within his grasp!

At least, they were, before Jeff King rose up from his 'grave.' Even though he took a Clockwork DDT through a table, he's up!


GP: Oh my good sweet GOD! JEFF KING IS UP!

JT: Stop saying OH MY GOD, or Joey Styles will sue our asses!

Ryan is up, too. The Suicide Kings, three-time IWO World Tag Team Champions, are ready to pull something big. The crowd pops BIG TIME as Ryan climbs the ladder on the same side as Rodeo Daniels and hits a low blow. Jeff also climbs the ladder, but on the opposite side. Jeff hooks in the front facelock as Ryan locks in a shoulder mount. The Kings, with perfect synchronization, jump off the ladder.

The Kings have just delivered Flip the Switch off a ladder.


GP: THE KINGS HAVE JUST DELIVERED FLIP THE SWITCH OFF A LADDER!

JT: We see that, Gregory. AND WE LIKE IT!

The Suicide Kings, exhausted but proud, stand tall. They both begin their ascent to a fourth World Tag Team Title reign. But they forgot the two non-incapacitated members of their rival teams, Diablo and Jack Breaker! Breaker and Diablo slide into the ring. They talk to each other, then both chase after the Suicide Kings. Breaker hooks up Ryan King's arms, and slams him into a crucifix powerbomb off the ladder! Diablo grabs Jeff King, and puts him into the Rock Bottom position. Jeff tries to wriggle free, but Diablo lifts him up, and flies off the ladder with a Firestarter!

GP: THIS IS A TOTAL CLUSTERFUCK!

JT: YEAH!

GP: THE CROWD IS ON FIRE AGAINST TDM!

Diablo stands up, and then turns to his 'partner,' Jack Breaker. Diablo lifts up Ryan King in a powerbomb position, and Breaker ascends to the top rope. Breaker leaps off, and he hits the Heartbreaker as Diablo sits down!

GP: HEARTBREAKER! HEARTBREAKER! THE 450 BLOCKBUSTER HAS BEEN DELIVERED TO RYAN KING!

JT: I can't believe Diablo is teaming with a loser like Jack Breaker!

Fortunately for JT, the teaming doesn't last. Diablo attacks Jack Breaker from behind, and then gets ready for the Bad Water Kick (charging thrust kick). But Breaker whips Diablo's leg to the ground, locking in an ankle lock! Diablo screams in pain, and he can't grab the ropes, either! Lucky for Diablo, Edguardo dropkicks Breaker in the teeth. Edguardo lifts Breaker up, but Breaker wriggles out and pumphandle slams Edguardo! Rodeo Daniels, Breaker's partner, rolls out of the ring, and starts to search under the ring for something. What he pulls out causes the crowd to go into a cheering frenzy.

You see, Rodeo Daniels has procured a spool of barbed wire.


GP: What the hell is Daniels planning?

JT: I don't know, but barbed wire is my favorite thing made out of metal!

GP: I thought that it was chairs…

JT: Second favorite.

GP: Riiiiight…

Daniels chucks the spool of barbed wire into the ring. As his partner, Jack, puts the boots to Edguardo, Daniels methodically unravels some of it and starts wrapping it around the top rope. The crowd goes semi-ballistic as Jack drags Edguardo to the section of barbed wire. The Jack Daniels Connection lifts Edguardo up…

GP: MY GOD! WHAT A MANEUVER BY THE JACK DANIELS CONNECTION! TEQUILA SUNSET (double wheelbarrow powerbomb ring rope clothesline) ON EDGUARDO ON THAT BARBED WIRE-WRAPPED ROPE!

JT: NO! NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

However, TDM is about to get doubly shafted. After Edguardo got the Tequila Sunset, the Suicide Kings have grabbed a chair and laid it out flat. Jeff holds Diablo's legs, and Ryan, who is on the top rope, double underhooks Diablo. Ryan lifts Diablo up, and holds him with the double underhook still applied in the air. Ryan takes to the air, and the Suicide Kings deliver a spiked super underhook powerbomb into the chair! The crowd's cheers have reached a fever pitch! Not to be distracted, the Suicide Kings decide not to climb the ladders, and attack the unsuspecting Jack Daniels Connection! The Kings double thrust-kick Jack Breaker from behind, then stare at the barbed-wire rope section, and grin wickedly. Ryan steps out of the ring, and Jeff whips Rodeo Daniels off the ropes. Jeff lifts Daniels up, and drops him on his neck over the barbed-wire ropes while Ryan delivers a snap ¾ facelock ring rope clothesline.

In laymen's terms, the Suicide kings have hit the Cut-Throat.


GP: WHERE CAN THIS MATCH GO FROM HERE?! The Suicide Kings just delivered the Cut-Throat on that same section of barbed-wire ring rope!

JT: I LOVE IT! That bastard deserves it for delivering that to Edguardo!

Soon, however, we see that Edguardo and Diablo are flying about the arena! They're flying…like balloons! The air is rushing out of them! They completely deflate, and drop to the ground.

GP: What the hell was that?!

JT: HA! TDM just used balloons to distract the Suicide Kings and the JDC!

The Suicide Kings are in disbelief. The JDC, of course, can't respond, since they're both out of commission. Just then, "Johnny" by System of a Down starts up again, and the crowd erupts freshly with boos for the REAL IWO World Tag Team and IWO Black Tag Team Champions, Those Damned Mexicans! The champs rush down, and meet the Suicide Kings halfway. The two teams go punch for punch, but are no match for the fresh team, TDM. Edguardo reverse mat slams Ryan King, and Diablo nails Jeff King with a dropkick. The Kings are rolled into the ring, and Diablo and Edguardo get a table. They throw that into the ring, then grab two XXL ladders and two chairs. Something evil is in the works, and the crowd knows it. Diablo and Edguardo set up the ladders at opposite turnbuckles, slide into the ring, and beat down on The Suicide Kings a little more before setting them both up on the table. Then, Diablo grabs his chair and Edguardo sets his on the face of Jeff King, who is on top, and they both hurriedly climb the ladder as the boos grow ever louder. Diablo and Edguardo scream out, "GO TO MEXICAN WORLD!"

GP: What the HELL is THIS?!

JT: I'm DYING to find out!

Diablo and Edguardo then simultaneously take to the air. Diablo performs a slow, deliberate 450 splash with his chair, while Edguardo delivers an equally slow, equally deliberate somersault leg drop through the chair on Jeff King! The table shatters in what has to be a million pieces!

GP: WHOA! MY GOD! THAT IS THE ULTIMATE DOUBLE-TEAM MOVE! THAT WAS INSANE!

JT: They call that, appropriately enough, GO TO MEXICAN WORLD!

Diablo covers Jeff King, and the ref, who has been sitting down for most of this match, makes the count.

1!

2!

3!

GP: And Diablo and Edguardo are halfway to retaining both titles!

JT: Let's hope they do!

GP: I hope they don't!

JT: Well, I do! And the only person that cares about your opinion is your own asshole!

GP: …

One member of the JDC is beginning to stir. That member is Jack Breaker. Breaker attacks Diablo while he's down, but the much fresher Edguardo easily peels Breaker off. Diablo and Edguardo begin the double team on Breaker, whipping him off the ropes and delivering a double knee lift. Edguardo then delivers a sitdown facebuster while Diablo hits an axe kick.

GP: Good move by TDM, and I think this match is looking really screwy…

JT: Screwy? That's your middle name, Parker! At least, that's what your cellmate told me…

GP: While you two were fucking last night?

JT: My God! This match IS incredible! Gregory Screwy Bastard Parker has finally uttered a good insult!

However, this match is FAR, FAR, FAR from over. TDM has the current advantage, but how long is it going to last? TDM grabs the ladder that is in the ring, and begin to set it up. However, Rodeo Daniels has found the ability to stagger to his feet. He puts Edguardo into a sleeper hold, then leverages him over the top rope. Daniels then tries to attack Diablo, but Diablo just picks him up in a press slam and throws him out of the ring. Edguardo slides back in, and the two Mexicans start to climb the ladder. The crowd's boos are at a fever pitch. However, something very, very odd is about to happen, and it does. A tornado actually comes down through the roof of the arena, and carries TDM, the JDC, the Suicide Kings, Greg Parker, and Jay Taylor away, as well as the camera crew! Where to?

Dorothy: We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz…

That's right, folks, we are in the Land of Oz!

Inmate: My name's Ben…BEN DOVER!

No, not that Oz, Oz as in the Wizard of Oz, like the movies. How we got there is uncertain, but then, we see the former Wizard of Oz, Marc Sanchez, in a weather balloon!

Marc Sanchez: Have fun in my former land, you guys! My successor will toy with you! The new match stipulation is to go to the Emerald City, where your precious World Tag Team Championships are! And nobody knows the way…but me! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Hi, Mom!

Marc Sanchez flies off.

GP: …

JT: …

GP: …

JT: …

GP…

Diablo: Looks like we're not in Kansas anymore…

Ryan King: We weren't in Kansas to begin with, you dumbfuck!

Ryan King, who is suddenly full of energy, charges Diablo! Diablo performs a drop toe hold, but Ryan rolls out of it. They both get to their feet, and stare each other down. But, this little challenge is broken up by the Jack Daniels Connection. Rodeo Daniels hits a full nelson suplex on Diablo, and Ryan King receives an inverted DDT from Jack Breaker. The JDC are then jumped by Edguardo and Jeff King. Jeff King goes punch for punch with Rodeo, and Jack gets a happy, smiling kick to the balls from Edguardo.

GP: …

JT: …

Just when we think that Jeff and Edguardo are going to go at it, out of nowhere come…TEAM OZ! That's right, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man are jumping Edguardo and Jeff King! It looks like Team Oz wants a shot at the IWO World Tag Team Titles, too!

Scarecrow: I want to circumcise you, but then I realize you,/ don't have a cock to start…

Tin Man: And I realize that you and I are both missing internal organs…OH FUCK IT! I DON'T WANNA FUCKING RHYME!

Scarecrow: Yo, T-Dogg, let's kick these bitches's asses!

GP: OH MY GOD! IT'S TEAM OZ!

JT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

Team Oz sets up Diablo. Turnbuckles pop out of the ground, and ropes grow out of them. They whip Diablo off the ropes, and perform…

GP: OZ ONLY O-LIMINATION (3D)! 3O TO DIABLO! EDGUARDO GETS UP! 3O TO HIM! JEFF KING GETS ONE! RYAN KING GETS ONE! JACK BREAKER GETS ONE! WAIT A MINUTE, RODEO DANIELS ISN'T GETTING ONE! They're…NO! NOT THIS!

Team Oz puts Rodeo Daniels in the corner, and The Lion runs out of the woods. The Lion runs…

GP: SAVANNAH BUSTER (Bronco Buster from a lion that looks like a man…need I say more?)! SAVANNAH BUSTER TO DANIELS! THIS IS THE SICKEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!
The Tin Man picks up Diablo…

GP: DEFORESTER (Evenflow DDT)! DEFORESTER TO DIABLO!

Then The Scarecrow picks up Diablo…

JT: STRAW-MINATOR (Dominator)! THIS IS INSANITY!

However, Edguardo goes up behind The Scarecrow, and throws him to the mat. Edguardo starts to hump Scarecrow's head! Straw is literally busting out of The Scarecrow! However, the Tin Man grabs an axe, and lifts it…but it is intercepted by Jeff King, who grabs it and chops of the Tin Man's head! The Lion attacks Jeff King, but Ryan King castrates him with the axe. Jeff and Ryan stand supreme. Just then, the JDC and Those Damned Mexicans stand up. The three teams face each other down!

Jack Breaker: I have a suggestion…let's all align until we get to the Emerald City.

Ryan King: …that's SOOOOOO stupid. We'd be carrying this little alliance anyway!

Jeff King: My brother says yes. Let's go.

The six men begin to leave the forest, but then start fighting over which way to go.

Diablo: Let's go right!

Jeff King: Left!

Rodeo Daniels: Center!

Diablo: No!

Suddenly…

"CAW CAW CAW! WARBLE WARBLE WARBLE!"

GP: NO! NOT THEM AGAIN! SHAWN ARROWS TALKED THEM TO DEATH! IT'S THE…

GP and JT: FLYING MONKEYS!

The monkeys descend upon TDM, the JDC, and the Suicide Kings in a swarm of poop-throwing evil. They pick the three teams up with their poop-covered hands, and the three teams scream out of the sheer horror of it all. The monkeys grab the cameramen, and then grab GP and JT!

GP: PUT ME DOWN, YOU TICK-PICKING BASTARD! PUT ME DOWN!

JT: AT LEAST HOLD ME WITH SOMETHING NOT COVERED IN SHIT!

The monkeys fly for what seems like hours, and finally arrive at the castle of The Wicked Witch of the West. They are thrown in front of the ugliest person alive.

Wicked Witch of the West: OK, you little shits, tell me where the fucking World Tag Team Titles are!

Jeff King: We don't fucking know!

Ryan King: You don't even have a partner!

Wicked Witch of the West: Wrong, sexy!

Ryan King screws up his face, out of the nastiness of being called 'sexy' by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Wicked Witch of the West: COME ON OUT, PARTNER!

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" starts to play, as out walks…TOTO! TOTO! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL! Toto the Dog has just aligned with the Wicked Witch of the West!

Toto: WOOF!

Translation: That's right, bitches! Y'all be goin' down!

Wicked Witch of the West: Now…tell me where they are, or I'll force you to eat my pussy!

All Three Teams Together: THEY'RE AT THE EMERALD CITY!

Wicked Witch of the West: Thank you, sexy ones! GUARDS! MAKE THEM EAT MY PUSSY ANYWAY!

All Three Teams Together: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The guards approach the teams, as the Wicked Witch of the West starts to pull down her underwear. However, out comes Glinda, the Good Witch of the North! She casts a spell on the Wicked Witch of the West, such that every time she tries to pull her underwear down, another pair appears in its place. Toto leaps at Glinda and bites her head off! But then, Dorothy leaps out of nowhere, and delivers a one-woman Con-Shoe-To with the red slippers! Toto's head explodes, and then Dorothy delivers another one-woman Con-Shoe-To to the Wicked Witch of the West! Diablo and Edguardo commandeer two monkeys.

Diablo: Bye-bye…

Edguardo: LOSERS!

Diablo and Edguardo fly off, with a camera-monkey in hot pursuit. Not to be outdone, the Suicide Kings and the JDC also commandeer two monkeys. The Kings are coming up fast behind Diablo and Edguardo.

Jeff King: OK, monkey…FLING SOME POOP!

The monkey tosses a giant turd straight at Edguardo.

Edguardo: I've got a bogey on my tail!

Edguardo spins to the side, narrowly dodging the flying feces.

Diablo: I'll take care of him…

Diablo back flips with his monkey, ending up right above Jeff King. Diablo's monkey drops some poop bombs, and they all hit Jeff's monkey. Jeff spins to the earth below.

Ryan King: YOU BASTARD!

Ryan blindly attacks Diablo. Diablo easily averts all of the fire. However, he doesn't get by the JDC's blasts! Diablo spirals down uncontrollably. It seems that the JDC and the Suicide Kings have decided to get rid of TDM together! Jack and Rodeo slap hands with Ryan, and the three men fly onward to the Emerald City!

GP: YES! It's safe to say that TDM won't be retaining the World Tag Team Titles!

JT: My ass, Parker! My ass!

Meanwhile, in the forest, TDM and Jeff King look unconscious. However, Jeff is the first to stir. He steals the monkey that survived the impact the best (Edguardo's), and flies off to catch up with his brothers. Just then, we hear something bizarre…

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

GP: NOOOOOOOOO! MY EARS!

JT: It's just the Knights who Say Ni, Parker! Don't shit yourself!

The Knights who Say Ni have returned! They lift up Diablo and Edguardo, and start to march! What is going on?!!

GP: WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

JT: Obviously, Gregory Shit on Toast Parker, the Knights who Say Ni are helping TDM!

GP: But this isn't even the right movie!

JT: So? Anything can happen in the IWO!

GP: That's MY phrase, you whore!

JT: Ooooh…kinda like your mom last night?

GP: No, kinda like YOUR MOM! BOTH OF THEM!

JT: SHIT!

We cut back to the camera-monkey as Jeff, Ryan, Jack, and Rodeo finally see their destination: The Emerald City! Jeff and Ryan begin to swoop down for a landing, but immediately start to clutch their skulls!

Knights who Say Ni: NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!

Jeff King: GOD! MAKE THE PAIN STOP!

Ryan King: WHY, GOD! WHYYYY!!!

Jack Breaker: Dudes…you have to say IT!

Rodeo Daniels: Yeah! That's the Knights' weakness!

Jeff King: OK! IT!

The Knights who Say Ni: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Leader of the Knights who Say Ni: IT HAS NO EFFECT! WE HAVE BECOME IMMUNE TO ITS POWER! IN YOUR ASSHOLES!

Diablo and Edguardo strike from behind the two teams. Diablo kicks Jack Breaker and Rodeo Daniels in the balls, and Edguardo kicks Jeff and Ryan King in the balls. TDM then runs off, laughing. Just then, from the sky comes…

Jeff King: Glinda the Good Witch? You're dead!

Witch: No, I'm Pussy Galore, the Semi-Wicked Witch of the Southeast. I hate Mexicans. So, I restore you to full health. Now get those spicks!

The four men get up and charge into the Emerald City. The scene cuts to where TDM are looking for the World Tag Team Title belts. Wearing green-tinted glasses to block the glare, Diablo raids a green ox cart, to no avail. Edguardo peels open a green orange, and obviously finds nothing.

Diablo: Dammit, this is like looking for a needle in a haystack! If we split up, we'll have a better chance. E, you should take the east side of the city. I'll take the west side. And call the monkeys, too.

Edguardo: MONKEYS! MOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKEEEEEEEEEYS!

A swarm of monkeys descends from the sky. They immediately start to look for the World Tag Team Titles. Diablo goes west, while Edguardo goes east. The JDC and the Suicide Kings enter the city at this time.

Jeff King: We should take the monkeys out.

Ryan King: That's SOOOO not a good idea! There are SOOOOOOOO many of them!

Jack Breaker: It's the only chance we've got! Unless…

A few minutes later, Jeff King is being forced into a monkey costume.

Jeff King: This is the stupidest idea ever! I can't fly!

Ryan King: Your point?

Rodeo Daniels: Just wait until one of the monkeys says that they found them. You should hear a cry like this: "WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW WARBLE CAW!"

Jack Breaker: That's their mating call, numbnuts. The real one is "WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW WARBLE CAW!"

Jeff King: WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?

GP: Good tactic by this alliance, no matter how temporary it may be.

JT: They won't beat TDM!

Jeff King thinks that he can fly, and so starts to do so. He pulls a few tricks in the air, like a back flip and a barrel roll, then flies off. One of the monkeys is following him.

Monkey: WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW WARBLE WARBLE CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW WARBLE CAW!

Jeff King: Great! He found the Titles! Where are they, monkey?

Unfortunately, the monkey has just uttered its mating call. It slams into Jeff, sending him into a wall. The monkey then starts to rape Jeff in the ass.

Jeff King: GOD! STOP, YOU STUPID APE! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

The monkey, thinking Jeff is enjoying this, continues. Jeff tries to throw the monkey off, but in the heat of passion, the monkey hangs on. Jeff cusses the monkey out some more, to no avail. Meanwhile…

Diablo: Where the fuck are those fucking titles?

Just then, some G's appear from an alleyway!

G No. 1: Foo, you be steppin' on our turf!

G No. 2: Y'all 'bout to get gang-banged!

Diablo: Who the fuck are you?

G No. 3: We be the Green Rag, nigga!

Diablo: …I'm not black, you dumbshit. Go back to Alabama and pick some cotton!

G No. 1: The fuck? What the fuck is Alabama?

G No. 2: WESTSIDE!

Diablo: Some things never change…

G No. 3: What'chu say?

Diablo: DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE IWO WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES ARE?!

G No. 1: The fuck you talkin' 'bout? Of course I know where the fuckin' IWO World Tag Team Titles are, nigga! I'll take yo ass to 'em!

Diablo: Fine. But let's get one thing straight: I'm not black.

G No. 2: You are now, dawg.

Diablo sighs. Cut to GP and JT, who are being joined by the Wizard of Oz, Marc Sanchez.

GP: So, Marc, I thought you just retired!

Marc: Retired? You know of anyone that stepped down from a position of power for no good reason?

GP: Actually, I do…but never mind that. Did you really retire?

Marc: No. I just wanted to get a safe distance away from Emerald City. You see, Greg, in exactly 30 minutes, if one of those teams doesn't get out of the city with the World Tag Team Titles, I'm gonna blow that shit sky high!

JT: Brilliant! BRILLIANT!

GP: But why destroy your own city?

Marc Sanchez: You just don't get it, do you, Parker? I can create whole UNIVERSES! A city is barely anything to me!

GP: Riiiiight…

BOMB TIMER-29:59:15

Currently, Diablo has found the IWO World Tag Team Titles!

Diablo: YES! Good lookin' out, niggas!

G No. 1: Anything for a brotha.

Diablo: See y'all, dawgs!

Diablo runs away. He yells, "EDGUARDO! I FOUND THEM!" Edguardo, who is currently humping a green signpost, runs to meet his brother. However, Jeff King, who has recovered from being raped by a monkey, Ryan King, and the Jack Daniels Connection go to get their chance for the titles. They all meet in the Emerald City town center, where the bomb is sitting there, disguised as a statue that pisses nitroglycerin. How that is possible, I don't know, but hey, anything can happen in the IWO! Diablo starts by tossing one of the belts to Edguardo, and the match 'begins' again! Diablo charges Jack Breaker, Edguardo charges Ryan King, and Jeff King charges Rodeo Daniels! Diablo drops his title, Edguardo drops his title, and Jeff king grabs a chair. At the same time, all three men deliver DDTs into their respective foreign objects!

GP: That was weird!

Marc: Thank you! I monkeyed around with fate for that one.

GP: You really need to get off your megalomaniacal horse, Sanchez!

Marc Sanchez floats Greg Parker right into a monkey, who starts raping him in the ass!

JT: Thank you SO MUCH, Marc!

Marc: No problem.

Meanwhile, Edguardo and Diablo are filling Ryan King's mouth with nitroglycerin. Jeff attacks them from behind, but Ryan King can't move, since he's from the real world and he will explode if he moves, because nitroglycerin is so volatile. Jeff scoops the nitroglycerin out of Ryan's mouth with a spoon, but not before the Jack Daniels Connection attacks! The JDC delivers a double belly-to-back suplex to Jeff, and then double flapjacks Ryan! The JDC grabs the World Tag Team Titles, and heads for the gate!

BOMB TIMER-24:59:59

As the JDC nears the gate, they find themselves surrounded by flying monkeys! The JDC runs back in panic, being chased by poop-flingers! They run right into a double clothesline from Diablo, who then attempts a Firestarter (Rock Bottom to Sky High) on Jack Breaker, but Rodeo Daniels ducks a poop shot, sending it right into Diablo's face! One double powerbomb later, Diablo is laid out flat. The JDC then dashes for Edguardo, who tries a double clothesline…but then is attacked by the flying monkeys he commandeered himself! One of the monkeys flies above the city, then drops down to Earth in a Tombstone! This would kill anyone from the real world…but Edguardo wasn't affected! Well, then Edguardo starts to deflate, and the REAL Edguardo leaps from the rooftops in a somersault plancha! The monkeys are not impressed, and each of them starts to rape Edguardo!

JT: NO! CALL THEM OFF, DAMN YOU! CALL THEM OFF!

Marc Sanchez: I can't.

JT: DAMN YOU!

After Edguardo's ass is bloodier than a mother's pussy after giving birth, the flying monkeys leave, leveling the playing field somewhat. The Kings courteously decide to ignore Edguardo as he recovers from the terminally embarrassing occurrence of being raped by a swarm of flying, poop-throwing monkeys, instead focusing on the Jack Daniels Connection. They whip Jack Breaker into the statue where the bomb is hidden, breaking it off and revealing the bomb!

Jeff King: Oh shit! There's enough explosives to destroy the entire city!

BOMB TIMER-00:00:59

Ryan King: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?!

Jeff King: RUN!

Jeff and Ryan run like hell, grabbing the World Tag Team Titles. Edguardo, who is beginning to recover, starts to run as well, as does Diablo and the JDC! The JDC throw down the Suicide Kings and grab the World Tag Team Titles from them, and they, too, run to the exit!

BOMB TIMER-00:00:20

The Jack Daniels Connection has the lead over everyone! They leap over an ox cart, a cow, and a horse on their way.

BOMB TIMER-00:00:10

Time again seems to stretch.

Both Members of the Jack Daniels Connection!: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!

BOMB TIMER-00:00:07

The JDC run even faster than they were. The gate is a few seconds away. However, coming up behind them are TDM and The Suicide Kings! TDM is catching up, as are the Suicide Kings, but can any of them make it to the exit?

BOMB TIMER-00:00:04

TDM and The Suicide Kings: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK!

Jeff and Ryan attempt to steal the World Tag Team Titles from Jack Breaker, but ultimately trip over each other and fail. However, TDM, who are insanely lucky, manage to steal Rodeo Daniels's title! TDM and the JDC are both a few feet from the exit…

BOMB TIMER-00:00:01

Luckily for both teams, they dive through, and the bomb is defused. But, TDM has one title, and the JDC has the other! What the hell?

GP {who has recovered from being raped}: WHAT THE HELL? THE TITLES ARE SPLIT!

Marc Sanchez: Allow me to resolve this!

Marc Sanchez clears his throat, and starts to speak with his microphone.

Marc Sanchez: Because the World Tag Team Titles are currently split up, we cannot determine an outcome of the match by normal rules! So, since TDM has both members holding their title, your winners and STILL IWO WORLD TAG CHAMPS ARE THOSE DAMNED MEXICANS!

GP: NO! THIS IS A TRAVESTY!

JT: YES! THIS RULES!

Backstage, loud jeers from the crowd start up as Simon Seaman enters the building, wearing shiny, metallic blue pants and a zebra print, button-up shirt with the IWO world title over his shoulder.

JT: Here he is. Mr. World Champion himself, Simon Seaman.

GP: Tonight, the much anticipated battle between Matt Rivers and Simon Seaman will take place. A few hours from now, that man right there on your televisions screens will put up the richest prize in the IWO up for grabs.

In the corner of the screen, we see IWO personality Nikki flag him down as he tries to ignore her. Walking past her, she grabs his shirt and pulls him back. Staring at her in confusion, she holds the microphone up to her mouth about to speak.

Nikki: Simon Seaman, you defend that very IWO world title against...

Grabbing the microphone from her hand, he pauses as he speaks.

Simon: Nikki, you've interviewed me twenty billion times. Isn't it time for me to interview you once?

Waiting for her response, he lets her speak into the mic.

Nikki: I guess.

Simon: Good. Nikki, you are just moments away from asking Simon Seaman if he is worried that he might lose the IWO World Heavyweight Championship to one Matt Rivers. How do you feel?

Waiting for a reply, he puts the mic up to her mouth as she reluctantly answers.

Nikki: I feel good I guess.

Simon: That is good and you know why that is good?

Nikki: I have no idea.

Pulling the microphone away, he looks angrily into her eyes and speaks with intensity.

Simon: Because I don't. Tonight, I face Matt Rivers for a title he doesn't even deserve. I'm doing him a favour. He should be thanking me, but like always, you've got people out there booing me. Typical because they are obviously against things that actually have talent and don't get things handed to them on a silver platter.

The harsh words infuriate the Lexington crowd as they jeer him.

Simon: Ever since I faced Matt Rivers at Autumn in Hell, people have been asking me questions. Are you going to give him a re-match? When are you going to give him a re-match? Simon, why aren't you giving him a re-match?

Looking down at the floor, he glances up and smirks before continuing.

Simon: Everyone wants me to lose and do you know why they want me to lose? Not because I retired High Flyer, not because I almost took Matt Rivers out of this business for good, but simply for the fact that "someone is better than me". So let me make this clear. Sure there might be someone better than myself in this world. There are six billion people by the way, but the truth is this. You are the best when this title, this world title is yours. Now I don't see you wearing it. I don't see Rivers wearing it, I don't see anyone in the locker room carrying this around, so I guess that must be me. Personal opinion only goes so far, but the truth lasts. That's for sure. So to all you "fans" in the arena and watching at home, I might go out there and give you a match that will be remembered for eternity, but with no thanks to you. You might be out there with your "I hate Seaman" signs and your "I love Rivers" signs, but I'll tell you a little bit about Matt Rivers. You might like him, but you don't know half the story. He has a lot in common with High Flyer. Do you know why?

Pausing, Simon looks right into the camera and says it.

Simon: They both can't beat the unbeatable. Now if you would excuse me, I have something better to do.

Walking away with world title in hand, Nikki is handed the mic back and stares at him with a confused expression on her face as we cut back to the ring.


North American Title
Utter Obliteration Match
Nuke -c- v. Samuel Potright

One month ago...

Nuke lost the Extreme title. And on the same night, Sam Potright returned.

Tonight...

Nuke defends the North American title. Against Sam Potright.


JT: What buildup we had for THIS match. Let's see... Sam Potright came back, pointed at AWS Man, who was holding the Extreme title... and here we are, a month later, and the guy's got a North American title shot against Nuke? WASUPWIDAT?

GP: *sigh*... Hey, we're on a low budget, okay? We've got dwarves for cameramen right now.

JT: Oh.

GP: In fact... we had to squash away any big plans for this match, too... tonight's Utter Obliteration match? A ladder match.

JT: WHAT?

"American Psycho" by D-12 hits. The crowd... kinda cheers, but they kinda boo. For here comes the carrier of the North American championship belt... a miserable bastard if you could say so. Nuke walks down to the ring, carrying the title in his right hand. He climbs upon the apron, turns his head to either side, and raises it in the air as the lights dim, spotlights illuminating his frame and not much else. The crowd continues it's mixed reaction. He hands the NA title to the referee, who goes and hooks it to the loop that'll suspend it above the ring.

"Johnny And Mary" by Placebo hits as the lights return. The crowd cheers, nay for they always cheer... and Sam Potright makes his entrance into the arena. He walks down towards the ring... when a small young lady runs up and begins to walk beside him. He looks at her... she looks at him. They exchange a smile, and Sam heads to the ring, taking a ladder from underneath and sliding it in.

The music fades... and immediately, Potright is met with a swift boot to the back of the head by Nuke.


JT: Who's the chick? Doesn't look like Beth... then again, she's probably been eaten by maggots already.

GP: JT!

JT: What?

Nuke batters Potright with a pair of forearms to the back of the head before picking him up and tossing him into a corner. Nuke picks up the ladder, steadies it on his shoulder... and tries to ram Potright with it by rushing forward, but Potright manages to roll out of the way. Instead, Nuke hits the steel post, losing the ladder, where it rests on his back. He's jarred for a second -- and that's all Potright needs. The formerly dead man runs behind Nuke, and dropkicks the ladder, pushing Nuke forward to his hands and knees. Potright snatches the ladder, raises it above his head -- and brings the weapon down on the square bottom of Nuke's back. Nuke falls to his stomach, and Potright picks the ladder up. He sets it in the corner.

GP: Ouch! That'll hurt.

JT: It's not like we haven't seen it before, though! I WANT NEW KINDS OF BLUDGEONING!

Potright grabs Nuke by his head... kicks him in the stomach, and goes to throw him forward into the ladder, head-first. Nuke stops himself by grabbing the ladder with his hands, though, and heaves the things behind his head, backing up a few steps, and swinging around -- catching Potright roughly on the side of the head with the smack of cold steel. Potright goes, arms flailing, to the ground, while Nuke sets the ladder down in the center of the ring.

Nuke begins to make his climb. Potright is dazed and out of it, but begins to regain his senses as Nuke gets to the halfway point. Nuke gets about three-fourths of the way up when Potright is on his knees, shaking the ladder, keeping the champion at bay. Potright grabs at Nuke's leg -- Nuke kicks at him -- and Potright pulls the man down. Nuke throws the challenger's face into the side of the ladder -- causing Potright to stumble back a few feet. Nuke tips the ladder over, and it crushes Potright under it's weight.

Nuke laughs.


Nikki: The sick bastard enjoys it!

JT: So do I!

He then picks up the tool and pushes it towards the corner. He picks up Potright and throws the man into the ropes. Potright ducks a lariat from Nuke, swinging around and catching the man with a tight grip. Up goes Nuke... and down goes Nuke. His head bounces off the mat as he hits the ground, courtesy of a release german suplex. He rolls towards the apron to regain his composure. Meanwhile, Potright pulls the ladder from it's spot in the corner until it's in the center of the ring. The crowd begins to buzz as he climbs up.

JT: He's going for it!

Nikki: We can see that! Do you need to tell us? Greg's the play-by-play man, for crying out loud!

JT: SHUT UP, whore.

*SLAP!*

JT: GAH!

Potright makes it up to the same step Nuke was on when Nuke does a death-defying move. Clutching the top rope, Nuke propels his body up to the rope. Using it as a trampoline of sorts, the current North American champ launches himself forward -- and into the ladder. The weight colliding causes the whole thing to teeter back and forth. Nuke gives the thing a little extra push, hanging on for dear life, his feet on the suspension that keeps the ladder itself from spreading outward, his hands holding onto the very top of the ladder. He pushes upwards as the ladder begins to fall; his hands grip at the title, but he fails to get a good enough connection.

JT: SO CLOSE!

The ladder itself crumbles, and down goes both champion and challenger, bounding into the ropes and almost becoming entangled in them. They each fall to the mat instead, however, and it's Nuke who is first to rise. He drags the ladder away from Potright; there's no need to let that man have the only weapon usable. He sets it up, once again in a corner. He picks Potright up, puts him in the opposite corner... and throws him towards the other corner, where the ladder is about to topple over thanks to a 207 pound man. Potright manages to leap, though, clutching onto the ladder and lifting himself atop it. He clutches his legs on either side of it, and tries to turn it around.

But Nuke has other plans. Within seconds, he's over to Potright, and the ladder itself is brought down by his hands, pushed away from him. The ladder itself hits the ropes and is stopped by the steel post -- but Potright goes flying and makes a loud, echoing thump with his body as he hits the ground.


GP: OH JESUS CHRIST ALLMIGHTY!

JT: I've seen him go through worse.

GP: The velocity, though... what a fall!

The black-haired woman rushes to Sam. Sam appears to be completely out of it. The black-haired woman tries to help him get up... but it's useless. She tries a couple of times more, but each time, Potright's weight flops back to the ground. Nuke is dragging the ladder back to the center of the ring, and he begins to go back up for the title belt again. He can barely see over the top of the ladder when he notices the girl trying to help Potright up.

He has an idea. Jumping from his spot, Nuke heads to the outside of the ring. The woman sees him and begins to back away.


GP: He wouldn't dare!

JT: YES HE WOULD!

Nikki: That's going too far...

Nuke continues to walk towards her. Her hair flies around as she looks behind herself, trying to see where she's going, while making sure Nuke isn't getting too close to her. She gets into the ring, Nuke speeding after her, and it's in a moment that she's caught by the grip of the North American champ, her hair being pulled. He hooks an arm around her and hoists her onto his shoulder. He's always wanted to do this.

GP: What the hell is he doing?

Nuke reaches up... and gets the IWO North American title. He pulls it off, and puts it in the air, dropping it to the mat. He then proceeds to somehow lock the belt of Sam's beneficiary to the loop itself, leaving her up there. He tears the ladder away from the center of the ring and leaves it on it's side. He laughs, picks up his belt, and hoists it above his head for all to see. He's victorious tonight.

"American Psycho" plays... and stops. It plays some more... and stops. Nuke turns around.


GP: God dammit, I know we've lost a lot of money this past year, but the music machine should still work!

Suddenly, the lights in the arena go out.

GP: What the hell?

JT: Oh…a debut…how lovely?

A mixture of different colored strobe lights now turns on. The arena is filled with a flashing multitude of colors, as we see that there is one man left in the ring at this point. Nuke, tired with his battle with Sam Potright, yet still victorious, gets on one knee and looks at the entrance.

JT: What's he waiting for?

Within seconds, the song "Last Time" by Fuel blares over the speakers. No reaction. Some people begin to sing the lyrics to the song.

GP: This certainly looks like a familiar entrance for someone…

A second later, a huge explosion goes off on the ramp way, and the normal lights come on. On the IWO-Tron, we can see extremely fast scenes of a wrestler hitting moves on different people. Then one goes in slow motion…

GP: LOOK AT THAT IWO-TRON! LOOK AT IT!

JT: NO…NO…NO…NOT HIM AGAIN!

The crowd was now cheering loudly. A split second later, Syphon Fission, clad in a black leather trench coat dragging on the entrance ramp and all black attire, struts out of the back. He throws his long dark blue hair back, and points at the ring. He laughs as he walks out. The place is so loud that the announcers can not hear themselves talk.

GP: MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD! CAN FISSION BE BACK? CAN SYPHON FISSION BE BACK??!?!?!?!?

JT: HIS CONTRACT RAN OUT! HE HAS NO REASON TO BE HERE! SIMON…SAVE US! SAVE US!!!!!!!!!

Syphon stops for a second and looks right at the crowd. Then left. Seemingly feeding on the cheers, the screams, the singing, he gives the exhausted Nuke an ice-cold glance.

GP: This could be big trouble for Nuke!

Without time to waste, Fission slides in the ring and mocks Nuke to get up. Nuke barely gets on his two feet when he is met with a super kick. He then goes to the outside of the ring and grabs a steel chair. Quickly, he enters the ring and stands up Nuke. He flips him off and gives Nuke a baseball swing with his chair. CRACK! Nuke falls over, cold. After dropping the chair, Fission then picks him up, and kicks him in the gut, puts him a double underhook…

GP: I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS AGAIN! DEATH PLUNGE!!!! DEATH PLUNGE!!!! DEATH PLUNGE!!!! ON THE CHAIR!!!!

JT: DAMMIT!!! DAMMIT!!!

Fission extends his arms in a crucifix, and with the cheers of the fans, goes out of the ring and walks towards JT. Once he gets there, he grabs him, pulls him over, and gets right in his face.

Syphon: Tell Simon…tell Nuke…tell every piece of trash that has not been cleaned up in the IWO…tell them that I am back!

Fission throws JT back in his chair, and walks to the back. A smile graces his face. He is back home…and he knows it.

Syphon stops for a second and looks right at the crowd. Then left. Seemingly feeding on the cheers, the screams, the singing, he gives the exhausted Nuke a ice cold glance.


GP: IS SYPHON FISSION BACK ON THE IWO ROSTER?

JT: Let's hope not…

With the broken and bloody Nuke is getting up under his own power, Syphon smiles a very wide smile as he turns to go to the back. Someone halts him, though. All of a sudden, the hooded man takes out a lead pipe. Syphon swings but the man ducks, placing the lead pipe in the solar plexus of Syphon Fission. We've saw this man before. His face can't be seen, but his long black dredlocks hang out the hood.

GP: MY GOD! Syphon Fission, two minutes after making his return, is bent over in pain!

JT: How typical.


IWO World Title Match
Simon Seaman -c- vs. Matt Rivers

GP: The match you have been waiting for has finally arrived. In just moments, IWO World Heavyweight Champion Simon Seaman will put his world titl on the line against Matt Rivers.

JT: For a guy who has dominated the competition like Seaman has, there is no doubt that he is coming into this match the favourite. He's destroyed his opponents and has done what some thought he could not do and that's end High Flyer's IWO career. He's the world champion, he's the man of the hour and you simply don't bet against a sure thing.

GP: Either way, this is sure to be a battle that you should not miss. Back and forth, Seaman and Rivers have been going at it. First it was Seaman, then it was Rivers, then Seaman. This has been going for an eternity and it's about time we get to see these two hopefully settle their differences.

JT: Let's take it to the ring announcer.

Meygon: This match is set for one fall and is the IWO WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!

GP: They're ready for this one. That's for sure.

The Lexington crowd shows their approval with a round of hoots and hollers and as "Makin' Money" by Handsome Devil blares through the speakers as the crowd gets on their feet awaiting the arrival of the challenger. Appearing from the entranceway, we see Matt Rivers make his way down the ring to a great ovation.

Meygon: First, the challenger. He hails from Port St. Lucie, Florida. Standing six feet, three inches tall and weighing 215 pounds, he is...MATT RIVERS!

GP: Do you hear that?

JT: It's deafening, yes. I can't stand it and I can't stand Matt Rivers either.

Making his way to ringside, he walks up the steps and enters from between the ropes. As the crowd cheers him on as he adjusts his wrestling attire and awaits his opponent. As his entrance music stops, the crowd gets ready for the arrival of Simon Seaman. As some members of the audience start their booing prematurely, "Relax" by Powerman 5000 hits the arena as Simon Seaman, wearing the world title backwards around his waist as red and blue strobe lights from both sides of the entranceway flash. Raising his hands to the Lexington crowd, incessant booing is heard as he makes his way down to the ring yelling at Rivers waiting for him. Turning the title around, he shows it to the camera and then continues to walk down to ringside.

Meygon: His opponent. From Los Angeles, California, he stands 6'1" weighing 233 pounds. He is the IWO World Heavweight Champion. HE IS...SIMON SEAMAN!

The crowd continues to act negatively toward him as Simon looks around at all the anti-Simon signs in the arena directed towards him. Pausing for a bit, he takes a deep breath and enters the ring. Unhooking the title off his waist, he hands it over to the ref as he raises it high over his head and shows it to Rivers. Seaman and Rivers stretch in the ring as they stare at each other from opposite ends of the ring.

GP: This match is for that. That world title held by the ref. Matt Rivers wants it. Simon Seaman wants to keep it.

Seaman and Rivers circle each other as the referee signals to ring the bell for the start of the match. Hesitating for a moment, they tie up and Rivers shoves his opponent to the canvas. Seaman looks up, a bit shocked, but goes for another tie up. Once again, Rivers pushes the champ to the mat as Seaman slides under the bottom rope to plan strategy as the fans heckle him from ringside as the rest of the crowd boos. Rivers awaits Seaman's return as the ref starts a ten count, but Seaman just stands there.

GP: I don't know what Seaman is doing, but he's got to back into that ring.

JT: Seaman doesn't need to do anything. Seaman doesn't have to beat Rivers, Rivers has to beat Seaman.

As Rivers has his back turned discussing something with the ref, Seaman re-enters the ring and clotheslines Rivers in the back of the head as he leans against the ropes. Turning him around, he executes two loud knife edge chops. Seaman then whips Rivers into the opposite set of ropes and tries another clotheslines, Rivers ducks and bounces off the other set attempting to come back with a flying forearm, but Seaman drops down to the mat as his opponent strikes nothing but air and hits the canvas hard. Seaman stands up and starts putting the boots to the challenger. As the ref warns him about it, Seaman back off for a bit, then continues to kick him. As the ref attempts to prevent Seaman from continuing, Seaman finally obliges waiting for Riveres to get on his feet. Finally, as Rivers does, Seaman tries to run at him for a clothesline, but Rivers ducks and gut wrenches his opponent from behind and sends him up and over the top rope and onto the floor as the crowd gasps in amazement.

GP: Excellent counter by Rivers.

JT: He almost killed him! Someone should fire that guy. I can't believe this.

With Rivers back turned, Seaman trips Rivers face first into the canvas and drags him out the ring. With a few kicks to his opponent's midsection, Seaman looks out into the fans for their approval, but all he gets is a incredibly negative response. As he is occupied with this, Rivers takes advantage, turns Seaman with his back to the ring skirt and gets in a few, hard knife edge chops to the crowd's enjoyment. With Simon in pain, Rivers guides him over to the guardrail, hooks him for a suplex, and drops him down onto the guardrail stomach first.

GP: It looks like Rivers has the advantage right now, though what he needs to do is take it back into the ring.

As Seaman is dangling over the guardrail, Rivers backpedals and comes back with an elbow to the back of his opponent's head. With Seaman on the floor desperately trying to re-enter the ring, Rivers picks him up and whips him into the steel steps. Making his way over to him, Rivers throws him back into the ring.

JT: There is no way that Matt Rivers is going to defeat Simon Seaman with this strategy. Seaman is too good to lose this way and he won't. I promise you that.

Simon struggles to pull himself off the mat as Rivers enters the ring. Noticing Seaman at a disadvantage, he gives him a stiff kick to the midsection as Simon rolls over in pain. Striking him again, Simon ends up at the edge of the ring. Slowly getting up, Rivers pauses for a minute before taking his palm and slapping it against his opponent's chest as the sound echoes throughtout the arena. Leaning over in pain, Seaman is affected once again as Rivers does the exact same tactic. Seeking to save himself, Seaman walks over to the corner. With a few more kicks to Seaman, Rivers whips him into the opposite corner and follows up with a clothesline sandwiching Simon between the corner and the challenger. Rivers then whips Seaman back into the previous corner. With Simon leaning against the corner, Rivers waits and then charges Seaman. Seaman sidesteps and guides Rivers' shoulder into the ring post.

GP: What a sickening thud!

Seaman, attempting to get air back into his lungs stops for a moment and then hoots Rivers from behind and executes a picture perfect german suplex for the first cover. The ref drops down to count, but Seaman only gets two.

GP: Seaman almost got him there. IWO World Heavyweight Championship is on the line as well as many other things. This is not for the weak at heart. These two have been going at it ever since Autumn in Hell and it culminates into this.

JT: No question that there is a lot a stake here. Each man holds a win over each other. Very evenly matched, this bout could go either way.

As Rivers quickly gets back on his feet, he is met with a kick to the midsection. Doubling over, Seaman hooks Rivers' arms, lifts him up and surprisingly drops him stomach first over the top rope as we hear the crowd's shocked reaction.

GP: Seaman is doing a good job using everything he can. Being very resourceful effectively using his surroundings to his advantage.

Dangling on the top rope, Simon gets in a few stiff rights as Rivers looks a little bit worn out. Hooking him for what appears to be a suplex from the apron to the inside of the ring, Rivers blocks the first attempt. As the champ tries again, his opponent blocks it for the second time. The third time, we see Seaman execute the move about halfway until Rivers reverses it guillotining Simon on the top rope as he jumps down to the floor. With Simon favouring his throat, Rivers slides back into the ring for a cover. Getting only a two count, Rivers tries to soften his opponent up with a few elbows to the sternum. Guiding Simon to his feet, Rivers whips Simon into the ropes, but puts down his head to early as Seaman kicks Rivers in the face sending him backwards. Attempting a clothesline, the challenger ducks and as Seaman turns around, Rivers puts his opponent in an inside cradle. Once again, he gets a two count.

JT: The momentum has quickly shifted to the challenger, but at this point, still anything can happen.

With Seaman slowly standing up, Rivers awaits the perfect time to attack. As Simon staggers to his feet, Rivers comes running at his opponent and slams him down to the mat with a spinning neckbreaker as both men try to catch a breath on the canvas. The ref starts a standing ten count as neither competitor is ready to get up. As the referee counts five, Rivers shows signs of movement and gets up in a kneeling position. At eight, we see Simon get on his feet. As they slowly exchange blows with one another, Seaman reaches back for a big punch, but Rivers ducks and executes a standing switch. With a few back elbows, Seaman escapes the hold, but as he turns around, he gets caught in a frontface headlock. Trying to get out of it, Rivers prevents him from doing so. There and then, Rivers attempts a DDT, but as Simon is held in mid-air, he franticly wiggles his legs as he gets back on his feet and executes a northern lights suplex for the cover, but only getting a one count as Rivers gets his left foot on the rope.

GP: Great showing by both men in this match.

JT: Of course. What do you expect, Parker? These two can go and you're seeing it here tonight.

As both slowly get up, the ref consults each competitor before they get up in a standing position. With both on their feet, Simon charges Rivers and gets a punch in the face in return, crashing down to the mat. Quickly getting back up, he goes after Rivers again, but the same result happens. Third time is not lucky as Seaman is hit with a third punch. Getting on his knees, Rivers helps him up and whips him into the ropes and comes back with a clothesline so strong that they both go over the top rope and onto the floor below. The crowd at ringside gets up on their feet and cheers Rivers on as they lay their in a heap of hurt.

GP: Strong clothesline by Rivers, but look at this. This match-up is going left and right, left and right, back and forth. It seems as though each man knows the counter to each other's move.

JT: You can't help but see the determination in the champion and the challenger's eyes. They want to win, it shows, but it's not going to be easy to get the "W". Let me tell you that.

Rivers guides Simon over the broadcast table and looks out into the crowd as they get louder and louder. Trying to slam his opponent's head into the table, Seaman blocks with a couple of elbows to the midsection, but Rivers recovers and throws Seaman into the table face first.

GP: What a sickening thud that was!

JT: Somebody get these guys out of here! Security?! Seaman, are you okay?

Rivers does it a second time as Seaman lies against the top of the table. Pulling Seaman up, Rivers whips him into the guardrail as Seaman screams in pain. Charging after him, Seaman notices this and in a last ditch effort, kicks Rivers square in the face with a thrust kick sending him crashing down to the floor.

GP: My god, did you see that?

JT: Did you hear that? That was almost as loud as me.

Almost tripping over him, Seaman gets a few deep breaths in before continuing. As the ref urges the competitors to enter the ring, Seaman ignores the ref and gets in a few boots in as Rivers' tries to cover himself. Holding Rivers up, Seaman gets in a good knife edge chop, but suddenly, Rivers throws Seaman into the guardrail and gets in a knife edge chop of his own. As they walk away from the guardrail, Seaman attempts to whip Rivers into the ring post, but Rivers reverses it and Seaman flies face first into the ring post. As Rivers staggers using the ring apron to keep him up, he makes his way over to his opponent and picks him up. Throwing him back into the ring, Rivers hooks the leg for a cover. As the ref counts, Rivers hooks both legs, but Simon surprisingly kicks out at two.

GP: The champ still has a bit of it left in him.

As Seaman pulls himself up with the help of the ropes beside him, Rivers kicks him in the midsection and whips him into the opposite ropes, as Seaman comes back, Rivers gets a big back body drop.

JT: Simon must have pulled ten feet in the air on that one.

Holding his lower back, Rivers decides to pick him up and drop him down with a pendulum backbreaker. With the champ lying parallel to the turnbuckle, Rivers makes his way over to the corner and starts to climb up to the top turnbuckle. Trying to get his balance on the turnbuckle, Rivers finally does, but doesn't realize Seaman getting on his knees. As the champion notices Rivers' positioning, Seaman in a desperation move lunges for the ropes as Rivers is crotched on the top turnbuckle.

GP: I can't believe that Simon Seaman has even been able to pull off any offense in this match let alone get out of pinfall attempt after attempt.

With Rivers in pain, Seaman gets in a few rights that staggers Rivers. Slowly scaling the turnbuckles, he hooks Rivers and pauses to get his footing. Occupying the top turnbuckle as well, Seaman hooks Rivers leg and drops him down all the way to the canvas with a fisherman's suplex that gets recieved with several flashbulbs going off.

JT: A super fisherman's suplex?

GP: That's what it looked like to me. A super fisherman's suplex from the top turnbuckle.

Almost getting three, Simon is left in astonishment. With both men looking up at the rafters, the ref starts another ten count. The fans get behind both competitors as the ref gets up to five. With Rivers motionless, Seaman is able to pull himself up at eight. Looking down at his opponent, Seaman slides out of the ring and drags Rivers' right leg along with him.

GP: Don't tell me he's doing what I think he is doing.

JT: This could be. You never know.

With Rivers dragged to the corner, Seaman slides Rivers between the ring post, wraps his legs around and puts on a figure four leg lock as Rivers screams in pain. The ref slides out of the ring and desperately tries to break Simon's hold and yells at him to break it.

GP: What the hell?! He has Rivers in a figure four leg lock. He could easily injure Rivers right now. No question about it. He's got that submission locked it and it doesn't look like he's going to let go of the hold any time soon.

JT: Did you see it? Matt Rivers tapped! Matt Rivers tapped!

GP: What are you talking about?! No he didn't.

Finally breaking the hold, he waits for the crowd reaction, which is full of boos, but with a few cheers added in as well. Sliding back into the ring, he slowly but surely gets Rivers in a standing position and whips him over to the opposite corner. Limping back towards Simon, he comes back with a scissors kick that almost takes Rivers' head off. Quickly dashing to the corner, he climbs the turnbuckles and adds on a top rope moonsault for good measure. Failing to hook the leg, Rivers kicks out at two and a half to the champ's surprise. Arguing with the ref, he tells him to count faster.

JT: Slow count. That was a slow count!

GP: That wasn't a slow count. Seaman should have hooked the leg.

Making his way out the ring, Simon walks over to the timekeeper's table and grabs a steel chair as the fans show their hatred for him.

GP: What is he doing? This is not a no disqualification match. Don't tell me he's trying to disqualify him.

JT: That is exactly what he is doing. Not only that, but he is proving to Matt Rivers, every single audience member and everyone watching at home that he means business.

With the ref checking on a fallen Rivers, he doesn't notice Simon re-entering the ring holding a steel chair. Folding it up, he holds it high over his head and shows it to the crowd. With the crowd booing louder than ever. Seaman charges Rivers, now pulling himself up with the help of the ropes. With Rivers in a standing position, he sees Seaman coming for him, takes him off his feet and executes a sharpshooter to a deafening response from the crowd. As the ref kicks the chair out of the ring, Rivers leans back as Seamn despreately tries to reach for the ropes.

GP: The sharpshooter! Rivers has the sharpshooter! The exact same move Simon Seaman retired High Flyer with. My god this is unbelievable!

JT: Come on, Seaman. Get to the ropes. Get to the ropes and you'll be just fine.

Screaming in incredible pain, we see Simon using his arms to try to pull himself up from the canvas, but it's simply no use as Rivers literally sits down on his back. As the ref checks Simon to see if he gives up, Seaman shakes his head and uses his upper body strength to make it closer to the ropes. With the Lexington crowd going absolutely wild, Seaman is just now inches from the bottom rope, but Rivers drags him back into the middle of the squared circle as the fans just get louder and louder. As Rivers slips his grip on the hold a bit, Seaman takes advantage , pulls himself off the canvas with his arms and flips Rivers over. With Rivers back on the mat, Seaman hooks both legs and turn him over. What looks to be a boston crab is modified as Simon turns around, and faces Rivers as he continues to hold onto his legs.

GP: Look at the pain Rivers is in.

JT: YES! YES! He's done for. Ring the bell already. Ring the bell.

Losing grip on the submission, Rivers crawls over to the ropes and holds the bottom rope. The crowd cheers as Seaman is forced to break the hold. Leaning against the rope panting obviously exhausted, he waits for Rivers to return to a standing position. As Rivers gets on his feet, Seaman punches him with a right. A second one almost knocks him out. Reeling back, Seaman attempts to finish him off with a clothesline, but Rivers ducks and as Seaman turns around, he kicks him in the gut and nails Dazed and Confused as they both go down. Rivers though is unable to make the cover as they lie on the mat burnt out.

GP: Rivers has him beat. Can he cover him? He just needs to drape that arm over Seaman and quite possible, we could crown a new champion.

JT: I guarantee you that that will not happen.

Starting another ten count, the ref gets up to five. His opponent lays there motionless as we see signs of movement from Rivers. At the count of eight, we see Rivers turning over. At nine, Rivers finally drapes an arm over Simon. As the ref drops down to count, the fans join in with him. Just before three, Seaman gets his shoulder up as the crowd is absolutely in awe.

GP: My god! These two are superhuman!

As the crowd applauds both competitor's effort, Rivers and Seaman slowly exchange punches on their knees. Onto their feet, they exchange right hands, but Seaman gets the advantage, hooks Rivers into a fisherman's DDT and drops him down with a Michinoku Driver.

JT: Dashboard Confessional by the champ!

Not going for the cover, Seaman limps over to the corner and climbs the turnbuckles. As the crowd gets on their feet awaiting what looks to be a Silencer, Rivers gradually pulls himself off the canvas. With his back turned, he tries to find his opponent but is unable to. Turning around, Seaman leaps off the top turnbuckle as flashbulbs go off throughout the arena nailing the Silencer. As they crash to the mat, Seaman holds onto his elbow and cannot make the much needed pin attempt.

JT: This is the perfect chance to pin Rivers and Seaman isn't doing it.

GP: Looks like he landed awkwardly on that elbow of his.

Clutching his elbow, Seaman scoots himself over and hooks the leg. As the ref counts, the crowd does so as well. At what looks to be three, Rivers gets his shoulder up just in time.

JT: What the hell?

GP: Rivers kicked out! Rivers kicked out!

Absolutely astonished, Seaman sits there for a minute before making his way to the corner once again. Slowly climbing up to the top, he tries to get his footing correct. From out of nowhere, Rivers gets a second wind, makes his way over to Seaman and crotches him on the top turnbuckle. With three knife edge chops that almost makes Seaman fall off the turnbuckle, Rivers makes his way up as well.

GP: Two men. Giving it their all. Each man has kicked out of each other's finishing move. This, this is simply unreal.

JT: When there is a lot at stake. Pride, bragging rights, the IWO world title, this is what you will get.

Rivers gets up to the top turnbuckle, but is shoved off by Seaman. Standing up on the turnbuckle, Seaman jumps, but Rivers sidesteps and Seaman takes out the ref with the Silencer. With the ref down, Seaman tries to revive him, but cannot.

GP: Seaman took out the ref!

JT: Someone get another down here quick. Come on!

With Seaman's back turned, Rivers takes advantage and hooks him from behind. Getting out of the hold, he tries a clothesline, but Rivers ducks. Rivers attempts a clothesline of his own, but Seaman ducks and sends him over the top rope. Landing on the ring apron, Seaman notices in the corner of his eye the chair on the floor. Rivers gets in two rights and tries a third, but Seaman ducks and gets in one of his own. Then, jumping over his opponent, the champ hooks Rivers in mid air and drives him down onto the chair below.

GP: Damn it! Simon with a sunset flip powerbomb onto the steel chair.

With the crowd in complete shock and Rivers out cold, another ref makes his way down to ringside and slides into the ring. Picking up the pieces, Seaman pulls up Rivers and shoves him back under the bottom rope. Entering the ring, Seaman drags Rivers into the middle of the ring and hooks the leg as the fans count along with the ref.

GP: No, no, no. Not like this!

The ref slaps his hand against the mat three times. One...two...THREE.

GP: It's all over!

JT: Seaman has done it! Seaman has beaten Matt Rivers once again.

As we hear a mixed reaction from the crowd, the ref holds Seaman's hand up in victory and hands him the world title belt. Immediately after, Seaman collapses and crashes down to the canvas. The camera catches Matt Rivers, still out cold as "Relax" by Powerman 5000 blares through the speaks. Eventually applauding both men, the crowd gets on their feet giving them a standing ovation.

GP: Ladies and gentleman, what a night this was. From Lexington, Kentucky. This has been IWO Utter Obliteration. For my colleague and myself, Greg Parker, we'd like to wish you a goodnight. See you at Hostile Takeover.

JT: Seaman is still on top of the mountain.

The scene cuts to the IWO logo.