August 26th, 2001
Live from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota
(The scene slowly opens up to an office building situation. It looks as if Thomas Ford has abducted Jamie Kosoy's luxury office, while Kosoy plays with himself. Nintendo of course you sexial perverts. Anyway, everything looks all fine and respectable, as we zoom in onto the face of one Thomas Ford.)
Thomas Ford:You know, as the guy who does more than the Executive board does, however LEFT the board three weeks ago, I feel it's my duty to inform to the entire world, that tonight, at Heatstroke, August 26th, 2001, the IWO will officially close it's doors...
(A silent gasp can be heard, but then another man walks into the room.)
Man:Uh... sir, they can't see you winking. This is a transcript of a pay per view.
Thomas Ford:SON OF A BITCH! Well, can we have the guy who writes this transcript to somehow put it in?
(Another man walks in, glasses almost falling in his face and typewriter in hand.)
Another Man:Well, I could always change it to... "The IWO Will officially close it's door... *Wink, Wink*
Thomas Ford:Yes, yes, that will work perfectly.
(The other two men leave.)
Thomas Ford:Fucken morons. Like the IWO will ever close. Pfft. Now where's John Maples' lesbian Mud Pit...
(Ford walks off, in search for lesbians. Aren't we all searching for lesbians somehow or another?
We slowly fade into the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota, with thousands of fans screaming and cheering, holding up signs and what not for their favorite wrestler or what have you. Slowly, we fade around the ring, and see the fire ring style, as we then rest on Greg Parker, JT, and Nikki, all dressed in normal Pay Per View Attitre.)
GP:FANS! WELCOME TO THE FOURTH EDITION OF HEATSTROKE! 2001! WE ARE LIVE FROM THE TARGET CENTER, AND WE ARE READY TO BRING TO YOU THE BIGGEST MATCH IN IWO HISTORY! MALL BRAWL! THE MATCH THAT DEFINED THE IWO!
JT:You mean the least hyped pay per view in IWO history! Dear God the booking sucked this month.
GP:WHAT WAS THAT JT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE ROAR OF THIS CROWD!
JT:Oh shut up Parker. Everyone can hear you just fine.
GP:Oh great, spoil my fun!
Nikki:We have a great line up for you tonigh!
JT:More like piss poor!
GP:We've got Seaman and O'Connor battling in a ladder match, along with Ken War and Nuke finally squaring off.
Nikki:Not to meantion numerous other title matches, along with the main event, the co'de'gra, Mall Brawl!
GP: But the first match of Heatstroke is about to begin! Mike Marchese's Skip is going to be facing off against Jax Stone's Squirrel filled Skin body mold! My God! This could be the match of the century! This could be bigger than sliced bread! SKIP VERSUS JAX STONE'S SQUIRREL FILLED SKIN BODY MOLD! HOLY MACKEREL! THIS WILL BE HUGE! THIS WILL BE BIGGER THAN LIFE! THIS WILL BE-
JT: Incredibly retarded.
Nikki: Who is Mike Marchese and Skip anyway? I know Jax Stone is one of the biggest jobbers to get an IWO world title shot and now his body has been infested with squirrels and such. I don't know about this Mike feller.
GP: Well, Mike Marchese used to be employed by the IWO and even won the US Title! How about that? He's making his comeback HERE TONIGHT! HUGE! ABSOLUTELY GREAT!
JT: SHUT UP! Its not that great of a match Greg. Calm down. Save some energy for Mall Brawl.
GP: Ummm, I was saving energy for Mall Brawl.
JT: God help us all.
Nikki: Poor squirrels, who'd want to fill Jax Stone's body mold? They must feel so humiliated. Silly little squirrels.
(The scene switches backstage.)
Mike Marchese: SKIP! SKIIIIP! SKIP WHERE ARE YOU?!?
GP: What? It seems Mike can't find Skip.
Nikki: Who is Skip anyway?
(Mike Marchese walks over to an IWO official.)
Mike Marchese: Can you help me find my Skip?
IWO Official: Uhhh, okay, where was he last seen?
Mike Marchese: Last seen? By human eyes? Probably 3 months ago in Alternate Universe 47.
IWO Official: Okay?
Mike Marchese: Y'see, Skip is an aborted love child whose fetus somehow got into my brain. Now he's a 2 inch man inside my head who can tap into my brain and control me! There is a catch though! Skip is super smart, and when we go into Alternate Universes he becomes a big bad hot shot professor.
(The IWO Official starts walking away disgusted.)
Mike Marchese: WAIT! It's all true! Skip is a genious! He can defy physics and stuff!
IWO Official: That's Joey Malone you dimwit.
Mike Marchese: Nooo! But Skip can do it too! Ask Joey! REALLY! ASK HIM! Dammit! Where the hell did Skip go? I think maybe he slipped out my ear. Maybe he's running rampant in New York City.
(The scene wavers and the New York City skyline and zooms in towards the World Trade Center. The camera zigs and zags through the streets goes into a subway station and quickly passes out and all of a sudden we fade into Times Square. A 90 feet version of Skip is seen running around. Japanese tourists are running away from it.)
Japanese Tourist: Oh no! It's Skipzilla! (His mouth continues to move.)
(Skip picks up buildings and eats it.)
(The scene wavers back into Mike Marchese.)
Mike Marchese: Nah.
(A new voice enters. Its actually the same voice but a different aura is presented in the voice. It is obviously Skip.)
Skip: Get your head out of your ass I was just sleeping.
Mike Marchese: Really?
Skip: Yeah, and I have a match so lets get on with it okay?
Mike Marchese: Match? What's a match?
Skip: Don't worry about it.
Mike Marchese: Against who?
Skip: Against Jax Stone or something like that.
Mike Marchese: Didn't we team up with him that one time and he totally ruined our careers and kidnapped Keri and we were all ahhh and he was rwar and we were like be nice and he was all I'm a heel and-
Skip: SHH! Thats never supposed to be mentioned.
Mike Marchese: Oh, ooops.
(The scene switches over to Jax Stone's Squirrel filled Body Mold. "Jax" starts spinning around and for no good apparent reason blows up.)
GP: SKIP WINS! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS SKIP WINS! THIS HAS BEEN THE GREATEST MATCH THAT HAS EVER TAKEN PLACE HERE ON HEATSTROKE! THIS IS GREAT! HOLY COW!
JT: Oh god.
[Cut backstage, as we open in the Deadly Sins' locker room. Jake Walker is in one corner, talking on the phone with a very serious, solemn
statement on his face. Jack Breaker stands in the doorway, trying to drag a couch through the narrow doorway.]
Jake: [on the phone] Hmm... yes, I see... it's that serious? Hold on a second.
Jack: What's up, doughboy?
Jake: Shit. My dad's in the hospital. He had a heart attack. I have to take the next flight out to Chicago.
Jack: What are you saying? You're gonna miss our match tonight?
Jake: Sorry, but...
Jack: You mean I'm gonna have to face the entire tag team roster by myself?
Jake: Shit, man. I'm sorry.
Jack: Goddammmit. I'd better go find a replacement. When are you gonna be back?
Jake: I don't know.
[Aubrey Gibson calls in from outside...]
Aubrey: Hey, Jack, what's the holdup with the couch?
Jack: Maybe it would be easier if you helped push instead of sleeping on it!
Aubrey: You make me do everything around here.
[Fade back to the announcer's table.]
GP: My God, what does this mean for the big tag team championship match later tonight?
JT:I HAVE NO IDEA!
GP: Ugh. We have to see Bryan Fury wrestle.
GP: Yes. Yes, I know, JT-san. But we must persevere!
JT: I'm scared, mommy! Hold me!
JT: Awww. :-(
(The scene cuts to Meygon, who stands in the ring wearing the least amount of clothes as humanly possible.)
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is for the number one contendership to the IWO Television championship! In other words, this is just an excuse to get a match on the card. But oh well!
("My Way" by Limp Bizkit plays as the audience audibly groans. I guess this isn't a Limp Bizkit crowd or something. Their groans turn to something similar to apathy as Bryan Fury comes out.)
Meygon: First... from Boston, Massachusetts... he stands at six foot, five... he weighs in at two hundred and sixty-nine pounds... he is the master of the Fury Bomb, WHICH IS THE STUPIDEST NAME FOR A FINISHER I'VE EVER HEARD... ladies and gentlemen... he is
(Fury climbs in the ring and awaits his opponents.)
GP: Well, hopefully, Erik Blake will be able to carry this guy through this match. You know?
("Purple Pills" by D12 featuring Eminem plays as Erik Blake comes out to a mixed reaction.)
Meygon: His opponent... from Chicago, Illinois... he stands at six feet, five inches, and he weighs in at two hundred and fifty-six pounds... he is the master of the Highlighter... ladies and gentlemen... he is ERRRRRIIIIIKKKKK BLAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
(Blake enters the ring and waits for Colin Gear.)
GP: Yay. Erik Blake. Yay.
(Some music plays as Colin Gear suddenly jumps into the ring and attacks Bryan Fury.)
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: Colin Gear came out of nowhere and Bryan Fury's already getting to piss beaten out of him!
JT: Gear and Blake are double-teaming Fury in the corner, but Blake throws Gear off! Blake with a kick in the gut! DDT to Gear! Blake makes the cover! One... two... thr-NO! Fury makes the save!
GP: Fury picks up Blake and he goes for one of his two moves, the... um... uh... what the HELL is that move?
Nikki: Holy SHIT! A move that Greg Parker DOESN'T KNOW!
JT: Actually, I think that was the "eye poke slam". You know, it's like a choke slam, except you drop them by their eyes?
GP: That sounds like it hurts.
JT: It does.
(Suddenly, the ghost of Joe Johnson inhabits JT's body.)
JT: OMFG IMAC SANDWICH MAKERS!!! WTF IS THIS WORLD COMIN 2!!!
(Nikki turns and looks, and then bitchslaps the shit out of JT. The ghost, getting the hint, leaves JT's body.)
JT: OW OW OW. OKAY.
GP: Blake and Gear double team Fury, now! Double irish whip! Blake grabs Fury! PROBLEM SOLVER! FLAPJACK AND DDT! FURY'S DOWN!
JT: But wait! Gear's turning on Blake! Gear's pounding away at Blake with right hands! Irish whip in, Blake takes a clothesline down! Gear covers! One... two... thr-NO!
Nikki: Now Gear picks up Blake and goes for another irish whip! He gets it and now he goes for a clothesline... no! Blake grabs the arm... spins around... and...
GP: HIGHLIGHTER(Diamond cutter)! HIGHLIGHTER! BLAKE CATCHES GEAR WITH IT!
JT: It can't be over this quickly!
GP: Blake covers! One... two... thr-NO! NO! FURY MADE THE SAVE!
Nikki: Fury grabs Blake and sends him off the ropes! SPINEBUSTER! SPINEBUSTER TO BLAKE!
GP: Fury's calling for that damn Fury Bomb of his!
JT: Fury picks up Blake and sets him up! He has him up! BUT BLAKE REVERSES!
GP: INTO ANOTHER HIGHLIGHTER!
JT: Fury's down!
GP: Blake makes the cover! One... two... three!!
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: The winner of this match, and number one contender of the IWO Television Championship... ERIK BLAKE!
GP: That was unexpectedly brief.
JT: Well, you can't fault Blake for making quick work out of those two stiffs. I mean, Blake just, like, won and stuff.
GP: Yeah, well, hopefully, there's going to be better matches than this.
[Cut backstage to the Deadly Sins' locker room again. Jake has a suitcase packed next to him and is getting ready to leave. Jack is reclining on
the couch arm. The couch is half-sticking through the doorway, and Aubrey is asleep on the couch.]
Jack: So, be sure to pick me up a pizza or something before you come back, okay?
Jake: There's a pizza place down the block from here, why don't you get your own pizza?
Jack: You mean I have to walk all the way down the block for a pizza? Screw that.
[The phone rings, and Jake answers.]
Jake: Hello? Uhm... yeah, it's me... what? He's... my God... I'll be there as soon as I can.
Jack: [Alarmed] What... what's wrong?
Jake: He's taken a turn for the worse... they don't expect him to survive the night.
Jack: Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.
Jake: Yeah, well, I might not be back for a few months. Maybe even a year. I gotta be with my family down in Chicago.
[He looks at his watch.]
Jake: Shit, my plane leaves in a half-hour. I gotta run. Good luck tonight.
Jack: Yeah, man. Take it easy.
[Jake exits, with much difficulty, trying to climb over the couch without waking Aubrey. He fails to do so, and Aubrey hits him with a
newspaper as he exits.]
Aubrey: Jack, we need to talk. Come sit down here for a second.
Jack: No time... I've got to find a new partner for my match tonight.
Aubrey: How come we never talk anymore?
Jack: What do you mean?
Aubrey: I just don't know... but I'm tired of this. I'm tired of just being 'Jack Breaker's girlfriend', or 'being accompanied by Aubrey Gibson',
or 'the girl with the boobs.'...
Jack: Wait, who the hell is calling you that?
Aubrey: It's not important. The thing is...I think I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level.
Jack: Ah. Fine. After the show tonight, we'll head out to that little bistro around the corner from the airport... maybe rent a suite at the Marriott downtown, and sleep in, if you catch my drift.
Aubrey: No.. that's not what I was thinking of.
Jack: ...Then what?
Aubrey: Well, my parents are in attendance tonight... what I'm saying is... Jack Breaker, will you marry me... tonight, 'in that very ring', as the statement goes?
Jack: Uhm... uhh... sure! Wait, are you sure it's wise to get married in the ring? Aren't you afraid that someone will interfere with a chair, or I'll decide to run off with the ring announcer, or something like that?
Aubrey: I don't really care about all that. Let's just run off and do it.
Jack: Hmm... why the hell not. Let's do it.
[Cut to the announcer's table.]
GP: Incredible! This show just keeps on getting better!
[The camera cuts to the middle of the ring, which shows the Heatstroke logo. The lights are dimmed as the music and pyro continue to blare. The house lights lift and we're greeted with the site of thousands of fans packed in the Target center. The scene shifts over at ringside, where we see the American announce team, GP, JT and Nikki.]
GP: Welcome back fans. We're here at Heatstroke 2001, and we have one hell of a grudge match coming up, don't we?
JT: Once again, you're grossly under exaggerating the extent of this fued.
Nikki: I have to admit that these two have been going at it quite roughly the past few weeks.
JT: Roughly? Do I have to remind you that they nearly killed each other?
GP: Well, for any fans that may be confused by all of this pandering, we're talking about the next match which involves Nuke and Ken War in a grudge match.
JT: Talk about a grudge. These two really hate each other.
Nikki: Not only that, but you have Chris Anthony as the special guest referee. Hell, this might as well be a two on one match up. Anthony hates War, almost as I hate the Backstreet Boys.
JT: Stop it, Nikki. Everyone knows you love the Backstreet Boys.
Nikki: I hate them. Damn pretty boys always hogging the spotlight. What about Hootie and the Blowfish? What about me? What about Raven?
GP: While Nikki continues to go on a tangent, we're going to show everyone some background on this match. Earlier, JT and Nikki were referencing the fact that Ken War nearly killed Nuke. If we back track a bit, we can show you some bits and pieces on that horrific
match. It was a Highway 81 brawl
- - - [The scene switches to a flashback of the Highway 81 brawl between Ken War and Nuke. It's dated August 7, 2001, at Hostile Takeover.] - - -
[Nuke is choking War with both arms, but War reverses the hold, kicking Nuke off of him. Nuke gets back to his feet, but is immediately clothes lined down to the ground. War takes Nuke into his arms, executing a shoulder breaker. Nuke clutches his shoulder, as War works it over with several stomps to the affected area. Nuke shouts in pain, but cannot rebuttal.]
GP: Nuke is in big trouble. I mean, big trouble.
JT: That was a devastating shoulder breaker. Nuke might have a separated shoulder there.
Shallow: He's not getting up. He looks like it's all over.
[The big rig comes to a stop, as two more cars pile onto it's side. John Maples stumbles out, a bit dazed, but looking up at Nuke and War on the top of the rig. War takes Nuke into his arms, leaning him over the side of the rig. He suddenly places Nuke into a full nelson position, drawing him into the air, and then throwing him off. Nuke slams onto the pavement below with an incredible impact, and lays unmoving.]
GP: OH MY GOD!
JT: Nuke must be dead! It's all over!
- - - [The scene changes back to the present, as the announce team discusses the match further.] - - -
GP: At this point, we all thought the match was over.
JT: Of course we did. Nuke had just gotten thrown off of a damn big rig. What else did you expect?
Nikki: Ken War has it won. There was no way Nuke could have gotten up from that. He's a great athlete, but he's human first.
GP: But that wasn't the end of the story, fans. Let's go back to that match, which had an unbelievable ending
- - - [The scene goes back to the 8/7/01 taping of Hostile Takeover.] - - -
[As John Maples checks Nuke, War leaps off the top of the rig, executing a frog splash on the fallen Nuke. He lands it, and tells Maples to count the pin. Maples begins to count   ]
GP: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
JT: There's a Toyota Echo coming down towards their position! It just ran over the divider line!
Shallow: It's headed straight for Ken War!
[War gets back to his feet, shocked and surprised, and is slammed against the Echo's windshield, falling off to it's side and remains there unmoving. The door opens, and Chris Anthony emerges with a sly grin on his face.]
GP: It's Chris Anthony! He's back for revenge!
JT: That was one hell of a setup!
Shallow: I think War's dead. He isn't moving at all!
[Anthony takes Nuke's body, laying it over War. He then instructs Maples to count the pin. Maples slides to the ground, counting   .]
GP: IT'S OVER! NUKE HAS DEFEATED KEN WAR IN THE HIGHWAY 81 BRAWL!
- - - [Scene fades back to the American announce team.] - - -
GP: What a finish to a thoroughly incredible match.
JT: Well, Ken War interfered in a match earlier involving Anthony's, so it was only logical that Anthony's would return the favor. It just so happened that he cost him the match.
Nikki: I just think it's unfair. Now War has to deal with two guys. Do you really think Anthony's will treat War fairly?
GP: That's all gravy. War wants Nuke, and he wants Anthony, and he'll get them both in this match.
JT: It's a standard match, but don't think for a second that it won't get ugly. Anthony's is likely to let anything happen.
GP: Let's head down to the announcer where we will get the introductions to both of these men.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is a grudge match! Introducing first, hailing from Long Island, New York weighing in at 240 lbs this is NUUUUUUUUKE!
[The camera pans over to the ring entrance, where the camera sees a huge Heatstroke logo with a IWO-tron over it. The camera waits for a few minutes, but soon pans over to an obviously confused announcer.]
Announcer: Introducing next hailing from Los Angeles, California weighing in at 290lbs this is KEN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
[The camera again pans to the ring entrance, but no one appears.]
GP: What's going on here?
JT: Where is Nuke and Ken War?
Nikki: We have plenty of grudge but no war. That's weird.
[The scene suddenly shifts to the backstage area, where we see Nuke talking to a man dressed up as a clown.]
Nuke: Let me get this straight. You saw Ken War pack his bags and leave the arena?
Clown: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Nuke: [gives a suspicious look] and then he joined the circus?
Clown: [shrugs] It's not that bad of a job. I live with it everyday.
[Suddenly, Ken War appears out of nowhere, striking Nuke in the back with a sledge hammer. Nuke drops to his knees, holding his sides. War begins to slam the hammer in the back of Nuke's head, until he lays on the ground unconscious. War goes for one final shot, but he's pulled backwards.]
GP: That's CHRIS ANTHONY!
JT: It's about time he got back. Just in time, too. War looked like he was about to kill Nuke.
Nikki: Yay. Go Anthonys. Let's watch this match get completely one sided.
GP: Not so fast. Nuke is still unconscious from that last blow.
JT: You're right. War definitely has an upper hand here.
Nikki: Not only that, but he has a clown on his side too.
[Anthony takes the hammer away, only to get punched in the face by War as a result. He stumbles back, grabbing his face, as War works over Nuke some more. The clown grabs Nuke, holding him as War pelts him with right and left hands. Nuke is completely defenseless]
Ken War: [slaps Nuke] You like that, Nuke? How does it feel now? You can't beat the hardcore legend!
[War slams his foot into the gut of Nuke, and berades him with elbows to the back of the head. As he does, Anthony tackles him from behind. Nuke hits a back leg on the clown, giving him a low blow. The clown grabs his groin, only to be DDT'd by Nuke later. Both men remain sprawled on the ground.]
GP: Huge DDT there from Nuke!
JT: He's keeping that clown from interfering anymore. Kudos with the low blow. Gee, that's never used.
Nikki: Riiiiight. Look at Anthony's. The guy is interfering all over the place. He's supposed to be impartial.
GP: It doesn't say anywhere that he has to be impartial.
JT: Yeah, read the rules more carefully, Nikki.
Nikki: Oh, shut up.
[War is able to flip Anthony's off of his body.Anthony's grabs a chair, swinging it wildly at War's head. War intercepts the chair, and a wild struggle ensues over it. Anthony is able to kick War in the stomach as War wrestles a hold of the chair, and takes it from his grasps, slamming it against his back. War drops to his knees, a painful grimace on his face. Anthony readies to fire a shot directly at his face, but Nuke steps in front of him.]
Chris Anthony: [shouting] What the hell are you doing? Get out of the way!
Nuke: Don't do it. We're both even now. It's going to be a fair match from here on out.
Chris Anthony: Whatever. I owe him one
[Nuke steps in front of Anthony, not allowing him to strike War. He tries to move to another side, but Nuke gets in his way again. Anthony just shakes his head and strikes Nuke over the head with it.]
Chris Anthony: You want fair? There. Now it's fair!
GP: UNBELIEVABLE! Anthony just struck Nuke with the steel chair!
JT: I guess it'll be a fair match after all.
Nikki: I think one sledge hammer shot is equal to five chair shots but that's just me.
[War is the first one back to his feet, although he stumbles as he does. He sees Nuke laying on the ground, and then stares back at Anthony.]
Ken War: [pointing a finger at Anthony] You interfere again, and you won't live to do it again.
Chris Anthony: [growls] Just wrestle your damn match. I'll decide who lives.
[War grabs Nuke by the hair, throwing him into the wall. Nuke bounces off dazed, straight into a clothesline from War. He begins stomping away at Nuke, who doesn't even offer a defensive arm to shield himself. The kicks continue to rain down on Nuke.]
Ken War: [grabs Nuke again by the hair] Look at that, Anthony. Watch a real wrestler at work.
Chris Anthony: You haven't won yet, have you?
Ken War: Hah. Not until I've had my fun with thi---"
[Nuke grabs War by the waist, executing a spine busted on War. War slams against the hard concrete, not moving for several seconds. Meanwhile, Nuke tries to clear the cobwebs in his head. As he regains his awareness, he grabs War and leads him over to the side
entrances towards the crowd. He irishwhips War towards the door, watching War slam through it and into the crowd. The crowd quickly gathers, being held off by security.]
GP: The action has spilled out into the crowd! They're all loving it!
JT: Not only that, but Nuke has a second wind. Amazing tenacity from a guy who was assaulted by a clown.
Nikki: I'm not sure how he's doing it, but he is.
GP: Could we see the crowd getting involved in this match?
JT: They might as well. They're close enough to do anything.
Nikki: Those security officers are underpaid anyways. Who expects them to stop the fans?
[Nuke grabs a popcorn box from a fan, spilling it all out on War's head. He then sticks the box over his head, leaving War flailing his arms around, wondering where he is. Nuke then executes a superkick on War, dropping him to the ground and causing the box to come off.]
GP: Superkick on the popcorn box!
JT: Definitely a new one on me.
Nikki: Nuke is trying to keep the pressure on, but I think you have to win it in the ring, don't you?
[Nuke goes over to pick up War, but War counters with a popcorn kernel to Nuke's eyes! Nuke stumbles back blinded as War gets back to his feet. He takes Nuke and throws him down the stairs which lead all the way to ringside. Nuke tumbles over and over again, but stops midway, grabbing on to the side railing. War grabs a cup of beer that a fan is drinking, pouring some into his mouth. He then tosses it at Nuke, drenching him in the beverage.]
Ken War: There Nuke are you thirsty? You look pretty thirsty after that nasty spill you took.
Nuke: Shut up, War.
[War kicks Nuke in the face, leaving a cut over his right eye. War slams his right hand into Nuke's cut repeatedly, causing it to open wider. He brings him back to his feet, setting up for a suplex. He lifts Nuke in the air, slamming him back down, but causes both men to begin tumbling down the stairs. It doesn't end until both men are almost near ringside now.]
GP: What a suplex! It led to both men coming back down to the ring!
JT: I don't think that was in War's playbook, to be quite honest with you.
Nikki: He just wanted to hurt Nuke, but instead, he hurt them both.
GP: War has a belt! He got it off one of the fans!
JT: Is he stripping the fans of their clothing?
Nikki: Well, he's using it to whip the living hell out of Nuke now.
GP: The sounds of that belt lashing Nuke can be heard all the way in the back, ladies and gentlemen.
JT: Check out those welts on Nuke's back now! Shit! Nuke tumbles right over the guard rail and on to the outside of the ring!
Nikki: Nuke is taking one hell of a beating here.
[Nuke rolls inside of the ring, followed by War and Anthony. The bell sounds for the first time, and the match begins. War has a headlock on Nuke, and is trying to keep him down on the mat, but Nuke avoids being placed on his stomach and losing leverage, and winds up reversing the headlock into a belly to back suplex. War spins to his stomach and tries to go for the ropes, but Nuke is quicker and lays in a few back fists to the face of War. War staggers back, nearly being shoved over the top rope, and tries to fight his way out of the precarious ropes, but is wrapped. Nuke whips him to the opposite end of the ropes, but War reverses, attempting to whip Nuke into the ropes. Nuke, however, holds on to the arm of War as he tries for the irish whip, and uses that same momentum to clothesline War. He then lands three elbow drops on War, and goes for the quick pinfall   kick out!]
GP: Very quick pin attempts here, JT. Some may say that's foolish
JT: That's veteran wrestling, GP. It's plain and simple. You may be able to catch a stunned opponent with a quick pin, and that's the name of the game. You don't have to hit some flashy power move to win a match. That's the veteran difference here, and that is being shown clearly.
Nikki: A lot of the newer guys don't pin often. They'd rather hit a huge power move instead of getting the quick pin. Now that's stupid.
GP: Those are very harsh elbows. I thought they might have been enough to keep War down for the three count.
[Nuke is back on his feet, and moves over towards the fallen War, who is using the ropes to balance himself. Nuke grabs his arm and whips him into the ropes, dropping his head for a back body drop. War flies in the air and lands on his back, writhing in pain. Nuke comes from behind as War is in a sitting position now and places him in a head vice, squeezing his head with both of his hands. War struggles to escape, but cannot. He leans back, throwing both of his legs in the air, and catches Nuke's head in them, flipping him over, breaking out. Nuke is momentarily stunned, but gets back up quickly and catches War with a clothesline. War gets up quickly though, and catches Nuke with several left and right jabs, ending it with an uppercut to the jaw of Nuke. Nuke hits the mat, and rolls over to the ropes. War drags Nuke by his leg back to the center of the ring. Nuke is on his back. War has Nuke's legs crossed as if Nuke was sitting "indian style". War places his knee on the shins of
Nuke's crossed legs and applies pressure to Nuke's knees.]
GP: A beautiful submission hold there by War. The ref is checking Nuke
JT: Nuke isn't giving up. He's sustaining the hold
Nikki: Nuke escapes the hold! Well, actually, War let him off. Looks like he got bored with it.
GP: War is being a bit impatient here. He should be trying to really wear down Nuke at this point.
JT: It's getting really technical now. The beginning was just a brawl, but now it's gotten down to every single hold.
[Nuke tries to grab the arm into a wristlock again, but War back legs Nuke in the crotch, and he doubles over in pain. War then whips Nuke into the ropes near his corner, who is immediately struck by the ring post. Nuke is dazed for a moment, and does not see War coming from behind, executing a beautiful frankensteiner type maneuver. War quickly executes a flying elbow drop on the fallen Nuke. He goes for the quick pin   .]
GP: War almost got the pinfall there. Another close one.
JT: It's really back and forth here.
Nikki: Something's got to break.
[War whips Nuke into the ropes, dropping his head for a back body drop. Just as he does, however, Nuke grabs the ropes, stopping himself. He kicks Nuke in the face, causing him to back pedal stunned. Nuke then kicks him again in the gut, setting up for the BURNING PSYCHOSIS! Nuke covers War, who is sprawled against the mat.]
GP: Nuke hit the BURNING PSYCHOSIS! IT COULD BE ALL OVER!
JT: Here comes the pin
Nikki: War looks out!
Referee: [counting]   !
GP: THAT'S IT! NUKE HAS WON THE MATCH!
JT: He has defeated Ken War! And relatively cleanly! I can't believe Anthony's didn't interfere in the last part.
Nikki: War made a huge mistake by dropping his head. That's all I have to say.
Announcer: THE WINNER OF THE MATCH NUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!
[Nuke slowly gets to his feet, as he leaves the ring victorious, awaiting his spot later in the evening at Mall Brawl. Ken War slowly gets to his feet, as Chris Anthony looks down at him, shaking his head. War immediatly gets in his face, blaming Anthony for his loss.]
GP:Oh boy, these two have no love loss. I mean, dear god, remember their Picnic table matches that produced some classics here?
[War grabs Anthony by his shirt, as Anthony shoves War off. War backs up, as War comes back towards Anthony, CA nailing War with CA's Wild Ride out of left field.]
GP:CA'S WILD RIDE CA'S WILD RIDE! WAR'S DOWN! AND ANTHONY'S LEAVING THE RING LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!
JT:Can you smell another War versus Anthony match up soon?!?
<A promo video for the Scott Styles, Multi Colored Mofo, and Schitzo Tod plays. We then fade to the awesome looking Heatstroke layout. Then to the announce tables. Greg Parker is currently talking.>
GP: Time for the Television Title match. We have a three way for the IWO Television Title right here.
<All three men, Multi Colored MoFo, Schitzo Tod, and Scott Styles, are in the ring. All three men charge after each other, and Schitzo Tod falls down.>
JT: Tod is out. He hit his head in the collision and he is holding his head.
Nikki: That's funny! Now it's an average one on one confrontation.
GP: Multi Colored MoFo now beating on Styles with rights and lefts. Styles is trying to block the punches, but he is not able to fend off the flurry of punches.
JT: Styles hits MoFo in the gut with his knee MoFo continues punching!
Nikki: MoFo grapples Styles fall away suplex. COVER!
GP: Kick out after one! Styles is not going down that quick.
JT: Now MoFo picks up Styles off the canvas uppercut! MoFo is dominating this early.
GP: And Schitzo Tod is still rolling on the mat. MoFo picks up Schitzo Tod MoFo Mutilation (Reverse DVD)! MoFo Mutilation! Cover!
Nikki: Styles jumps in to make the save! He almost lost the match and the title! Schitzo Tod is basically dead.
JT: Now Styles on the offensive. He his hitting MoFo with rights jabbing at MoFo now Multi Colored MoFo grabs his fist! MoFo pulls him in
GP: Styles clotheslines him hard with the left arm! MoFo falls to the mat! Styles now stomping on the down MoFo. He looks over at Schitzo Tod who is dead might I add suplex on Schitzo Tod.
Nikki: Come on he could be in a coma. He is dead! Get him out of there before he becomes Dan Kordic.
GP: MoFo is up now. He kicks Styles in the gut he sets him up for a piledriver PILEDRIVER ON SCOTT STYLES! Styles is holding his neck.
JT: Multi Colored MoFo picks up Styles knee the back of Styles.
Nikki: Multi Colored MoFo picks up Scott Styles Styles stands up. MoFo is charging toward him MoFo is met with a clothesline. He is knocked down hard on the outside!
JT: Guess who has the advantage!
GP: Scott picks up MoFo, and slams his head against the guardrail. He slams it again and again! Scott is not looking back here because he can not afford to!
JT: Scott is taking MoFo toward us. He slams his head against the announce table. MoFo is dazed! Scott has the right strategy, bring it right to MoFo!
Nikki: Look at Schitzo Tod he tries to get up and he falls right back down! HA!
GP: Scott picks up the Multi Colored MoFo for a military press he pumps him in the air AND HE DROPS HIM ON THE TABLE! THE TABLE IS CRACKED AND MOFO IS IN OBVIOUS PAIN!
JT: That was a close one huh Nikki?
Nikki: I think Schitzo Tod is the winner here!
GP: Look at Scott he is laughing at MoFo! He climbs on the to the top turnbuckle HE IS GOING TO GO FOR A LEG DROP ON MOFO!!!
JT: HE JUMPS
GP: HE HITS THE LEG DROP RIGHT ACROSS MOFO'S THROAT!!! MOFO IS OUT OF THIS QUICK!!! MOFO IS ABOUT TO LOSE!!!
JT: STYLES THROWS MOFO BACK INTO THE RING!!! HE IS IN HE COVERS!!!
JT: Scott WON!!
GP: NO HE DIDN'T !!!
Nikki: -sarcastically- SCHITZO TOD FELL ON TOP OF THE TWO AND BROKE UP THE FALL!
JT: MOFO'S LUCKY HIS ARM WAS EXTENDED!!!
GP: Scott is celebrating does he not know that MoFo had his arm on the rope? He is giving the MoFo time to recover!
JT: MoFo is moving Styles has his arm up he is taunting the crowd! He thinks he won!
GP: MoFo is up to one knee he is back to his feet, but he looks dazed!!! He charges toward Styles!!!
JT: Scott is talking with the ref the ref is explaining to him that the match is not over!!! BAM!!! HE IS MET WITH A CLOTHESLINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!
GP: Scott is on the ground MoFo stomps down on him! MoFo is looked on Scott! MoFo picks him up throws him into the ropes TILT-O-WHIRL BACKBRENIKKIER ON Scott!!! MoFo is down too!!! He grabs his knee!
JT: MoFo put on one helluva move but his left knee felt all of it!
GP: MoFo gets up he is walking with a little imbalance towards Scott Styles!
JT: MoFo is walking toward Scott who is trying to get up MoFo picks him up scoop slam! MoFo runs into the ropes elbow drop on Scott!
GP: MoFo gets up he goes to the outside he grabs a chair!!!
JT: NO DQ!?!
Nikki: GO SCHITZO TOD
JT: MoFo is back in the ring Scott is getting up slowly BAM!!! CHAIR SHOT TO THE CRANIUM!!!
GP: Scott's head is imprinted on the steel chair he collapsed to the mat! MoFo is showing the crowd the chair! MoFo is in control right now!
JT: MoFo looks at Scott down on the mat HE STARTS BEATING HIM WITH THE CHAIR!!! Scott IS GETTING BEAT BY MOFO AND A STEEL CHAIR!
GP: THE REF GRABS THE CHAIR FROM MOFO MOFO GRABS IT BACK SCHITZO TOD GETS UP! MOFO JUST SLAMMED THE CHAIR ACROSS SCHITZO TOD'S SKULL! MOFO IS OBSESSED!!!
Nikki: Schitzo Tod gets up this time ANOTHER DAMN MOFO MUTILATION! HE COVERS!
<Styles gets up on top, and the ref begins to re start the count.>
<Ding Ding Ding>
Ring Annoucer: Your winner and still champion Scott Styles!
<Styles grabs the title and gets the hell out of the ring. The Multicolored MoFo realizes what happened, and is pissed. >
GP: MoFo is plenty angry
JT: I can not believe anyone would be angry after not winning the TV Title.
<The scene fades to a promo for the next match, Ben O'Connor and Simon Seaman.>
GP:The electricity here in the Target Center is just unbelievable and it's just about to get a tad bit hotter here at Heatstroke as up next, it's Simon Seaman versus Ben O'Connor. The man that stole his IWO Unified Championship right from under the champion. The ladder match for the title is just moments away.
Shallow:If you spoke to any of these fans in attendance tonight, they would not only tell you that the main event, Mall Brawl, is on their minds, but they want to know if Simon Seaman can take the belt that's rightfully his. They want to know if Simon Seaman can win tonight.
JT:There is no doubt that Simon Seaman wants payback and wants revenge, but there is no way, that Ben O'Connor is not winning tonight. He is smarter than the champ, he has Simon where he wants him and that is vulnerable. I predict a new champion will be crowned.
GP:Although no cares about your opinion in the first place, this is sure to be one hell of a battle. Seaman has come here tonight to do nothing else but to show O'Connor who the better man is and to the get the belonging that has always been his. Without further or do, let's take it to the ring.
(We are taken to the ring as the ring announcer stands in the middle of it about to announce the upcoming match. The camera pans out to view the IWO Unified Championship hanging high above the ring as fans in the arena impatiently wait.)
Ring Announcer:This match is a LADDER MATCH FOR THE IWO UNIFIED CHAMPIONSHIP!
(The crowd erupts in hoots and hollers as they await the match to start.)
Ring Announcer:The first man to grab the championship hanging high above the ring will be crowned the IWO Unified Champion.
('Because we can' by Fatboy Slim plays throughout the arena as echos of boos eminate from the fans. Ben O'Connor struts out from the back and poses at the entranceway.)
Ring Announcer:Hailing from Australia, the challenger. This is BEN O'CONNOR!
(The boos and name calling continue as Ben O'Connor walks down to the ring and passed the ladder standing at ringside. Up the steel steps and between the ropes, the challenger makes his way into the middle of the ring and points way up at the title hanging above him.)
Shallow:There it is in all its glory. The prize. The Internet Wrestling Organization Unified title.
('Enjoy the Silence' by Failure is played throughout the PA system as Simon Seaman sprints down out the entranceway after O'Connor as the crowd stands up and cheers him on.)
Ring Announcer:The champion. Hailing from the city of Los Angeles, California. Standing at six feet, two inches and weighing 235 pounds. He is THE IWO UNIFIED CHAMPION. SIMON SEAMAN!
(Ben O'Connor runs out of the ring and goes after Seaman walking down the ramp. O'Connor attempts a right punch, but the champ counters with a punch of his own. O'Connor attempts another punch, but Seaman counters with a stiffer punch sending O'Connor backpedalling and toppling the ladder at the ringside as he hits the floor. O'Connor seeks refuge in the ring as Simon goes after him. With O'Connor's back to the turnbuckle, Simon executes a knife edge chop to his opponent's chest and whips him into the opposite turnbuckle. O'Connor dashes back at Seaman, but Seaman connects with a spinning heel kick sending O'Connor to the mat. Simon pulls up O'Connor and whips him against the ropes, but O'Connor ducks a clothesline attempt, but Seaman gets the upper hand and catches O'Connor bouncing off the other set of ropes and drops him face first onto the canvas.)
(O'Connor pops himself back up, but Simon hits a standing clothesline. O'Connor pops up again, but is met with a second clothesline. O'Connor gets up and is whipped into the ropes, but escapes any further punishing by holding onto the top rope and makes his way out of the ring seeking refuge at ringside as the fans start to boo once again. As O'Connor takes a breather at ringside, Simon bounces off the ropes and launches himself through the top and bottom rope connecting with a suicide dive as both men hit the floor.)
JT:Whatever happenend to courtesy in the IWO? He didn't even let O'Connor rest.
Shallow:There was no courtesy here in the first place, so just call the damn match.
(Simon picks up O'Connor and attempts to whip him into the steel steps, but Ben O'Connor reverses it and sends the champ into the steps to slow down the match.)
JT:There's your courtesy!
(O'Connor drops to one knee and regains his composure as he walks over to a fallen Simon Seaman and slams his head into the steel steps creating a loud thud. A second and third time sends Seaman back on all fours at ringside. O'Connor gets up on the ring apron and awaits Simon to stand back up. As Simon gets on knee and then the other. O'Connor runs to one end of the ring apron and as Seaman gets up on two feet, he turns around and O'Connor jumps from the ring apron connecting with a clothesline of his own.)
GP:The big man almost beheaded the champ!
(O'Connor struggles to get up from an awkward fall, but picks up Simon and rolls him back into the ring. O'Connor re-enters the squared circle and props Simon in a sitting position with his back to the bottom turnbuckle. the challenger then proceeds to stomp Simon repeatedly in the chest and abdomen to the fans dismay. Slowly picking Seaman up, O'Connor brings him into the middle of the ring. Hooking him up, O'Connor drops the champ down belly to back suplex. Bouncing off the ropes, O'Connor connects with a headbutt. Waiting in the wings as Seaman gradually gets up on two feet. With a couple of right hands to Simon, O'Connor attempts a whip into the ropes, but Simon attempts a whip of his own but is struck with a knee to his gut as O'Connor gains control once again. Backing up, O'Connor rushes at Seaman and connects with a vicious kick to the side of Seaman's face as the fans gasp in shock from the impact.)
JT:Go ahead and mock me how I have always been a supporter of Ben O'Connor, but you have to admit that he is getting the job done.
(O'Connor makes his way out of the ring to ringside where the ladder is folded on the floor. He looks around awaiting acknowledgement from the fans. The disapproval of O'Connor from the fans doesn't stop the challenger from picking up the ladder.)
GP:Here we go. This is about to get just a little more interesting if I do say so myself.
(Stalling before re-entering the ring, we notice inside the ring Simon holding the side of his head as he acquires a standing position. As Ben O'Connor turns around, Simon bounces off one set of ropes and tries a baseball slide into the ladder held by O'Connor, but he sidesteps and
outside of the ring, Seaman is struck by the ladder held by a running O'Connor.)
JT:What Ben O'Connor is doing right now is using his size and strength against the smaller Simon Seaman and if he continues this, we will crown a new Unified champ.
(O'Connor drops the ladder down beside him and pulls Simon from the ground, bringing him over the guardrail on the other side of ringside. Ben hooks Simon up for a vertical suplex, but uses a variation sending Simon stomach first into the guardrail. Simon screams in pain from the move as fans at front row tap Simon on the back and continue to cheer him on.)
GP:That guardrail has absolutely no give. Anyone could easily injured his ribs from that move.
(With Simon dangling from the rail, O'Connor exchanges words with the fans at ringside. Lifting Simon from the shoulder, O'Connor sets Seaman down and rams the champ back first into the side of the ring. For the second time, O'Connor does it again as we see Simon cringing in pain. O'Connor then proceeds to leave him there and walking over to the other side, he picks up the ladder and slides it under the bottom rope as Simon tries to recover from the previous punishment inflicted upon him. He tries to make an effort to enter the ring, but Ben O'Connor picks Simon up from the head. Though Simon finally counters by guillotining Ben against the top rope, sending his opponent staggering and backpedalling as the fans pop for the move. As Ben O'Connor turns around, Simon executes a sprinboard dropkick, but Ben catches Seaman in mid-air and drops him down with a spinebuster.)
JT:Did you see the impact of that move? What a great counter!
(Dragging Simon and placing him parallel to the turnbuckle, Ben O'Connor makes his way onto the ring apron and climbs to the top turnbuckle.)
GP:Unusual territory for O'Connor. He doesn't use the top rope often and that could spell trouble for him.
(Ben O'Connor gains his balance on the top turnbuckle, but Seaman amazingly gets back up and splits his opponent's legs, crotching him on the turnbuckle. Ever so slowly walking to the opposite side of the ring, he looks around at the crowd while favouring his lower back. Running at his opponent, Simon jumps up on the first and second turnbuckles, executing a climbing hurancanrana that sends O'Connor hard to canvas and surprising him with the move as he now struggles to get back up. Beside Seaman lies the ladder, which he picks up still folded and balances it on the second rope.)
GP:Great athleticism by Simon Seaman. You've got to admit that.
JT:There is no doubt in my mind that this kid has a hell of a lot of talent, but I also believe that Ben O'Connor is just a tad bit better.
Shallow:Simon has the ladder in an awkward position. Who knows what he could be planning here.
(As O'Connor gets up on two feet, he staggers over to Simon, but Simon hops up on the top turnbuckle and executes a leg drop on the ladder petruding from outside of the ring, which in turn acts like a see-saw and strikes Ben O'Connor violently in the jaw sending him down to the mat. Seaman then proceeds to favour the leg that hit the ladder on the floor at ringside.)
Shallow:My goodness. Did you see that?!
GP:If I had to say one thing about Simon, is that he uses what's around him to the best of his ability. He's creative and he proved it with that leg
drop to the ladder.
JT:He sacrificed his own body for one move? How is that innovative?
(As the ladder slides back into the ring, Simon grabs onto the guardrail and pulls himself up. Shaking his leg a bit to loosen it up, Simon slides back into the squared circle. Ben O'Connor now stands at rushes and Seaman, but Seaman takes the ladder on the ground and rams it in O'Connor's midsection. With O'Connor bent over from the shot, Seaman whips O'Connor into the turnbuckle, but O'Connor reverses with a whip of his own followed by a big splash in the corner. With the breath taken out of Simon's lungs, O'Connor slowly but surely lifts Seaman up sitting him on the top turnbuckle. O'Connor climbs up and hooks Simon for a superplex. First attempt is blocked by a shot to O'Connor's upper body. Second attempt is blocked with another stiff shot to the upper body. Third is reversed by Simon dropping his opponent with a inverted suplex sending O'Connor face first into the middle of the ring, just missing the ladder by five feet. With that said, Simon drops down from the turnbuckle and pulls the ladder up and lies the folded ladder against the adjacent top turnbuckle. With O'Connor still down on the ground, Simon jumps up and stands on the a ladder with each foot on a rung. Signaling to the crowd, Simon gets ready to execute another move.)
GP:What the hell is happening here?
(Simon executes a moonsault from the folded ladder onto O'Connor on the mat as Simon rolls over in pain.)
GP:What was that?!
Shallow:Moonsault off the ladder, baby! That's what I call innovation. What skill it took by Seaman to not only execute that move, but to even stand up on that ladder and not get hurt himself.
(With the fans behind the champion, Simon ever so gradually stands up and picks up O'Connor and whips him into the ropes and clothesline him out the ring. There and then, Simon takes the ladder laying on the top turnbuckle and drags it to the center of the ring. Standing it up, he starts to moderately scale it.)
Shallow:Here we go folks! Simon is going for the belt.
(Simon puts his foot on the first rung and then slowly puts his foot on the second, obviously tired from what just transpired. Making his way on the third and fourth ring, he starts to scale the ladder even faster. As Ben O'Connor stands up on two feet a ringside, he fails to see Seaman going after the title as his back is turned. Simon tries to reach from the second to last rung, but the ladder is too short to get up to the title. As the ladder wobbles, Ben O'Connor turns to see Simon in the ring now and quickly slides under the bottom rope. As Simon realizes it, he turns around to face O'Connor and from the ladder, connects with a somersault plancha sending both men down hard on the canvas.)
GP:What agility by Seaman!
JT:I might not be Simon Seaman's number one fan, but I must say that he is one hell of a competitor.
(With Ben O'Connor layed out for a second time on the canvas, Simon uses the ropes as a zip line to pull himself up. With the ladder tipped over from Simon's momentum from the previous move, Simon stands the ladder up and starts to climb up it again. As O'Connor gradually rolls out of the ring and onto the floor. Seaman is left there as he climbs the first rung and then the second. As he makes his way onto the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, we notice at ringside Ben O'Connor trying to locate something from under the ring, pulling the ring skirt up.)
JT:It looks like the challenger has something in mind.
GP:I feel it's going to get ugly fast and quick here at the Target Center.
(As Simon pauses to take a quick breather on the ladder, Ben O'Connor emerges with a steel chair from under the ring and takes it with him as he re-enters the ring. With Simon's back turned to O'Connor, O'Connor wastes no time and strikes Seaman in the back with the steel chair. As the pain is just intolerable, Simon holds onto the ladder with just one hand and standing on one foot. Right there, O'Connor strikes Simon with the chair a second time, as Simon falls from the ladder and onto the canvas below.)
GP:That chair shot was one that was heard across the globe. What a shot that was!
JT:That's not steel hitting steel. That wasn't steel hitting cement. That's steel hitting flesh and it wasn't pretty at all.
(With the champ down looking up at the lights, O'Connor wastes no time and takes down the ladder and stands it up leaning against the turnbuckle. Picking up Seaman like a rag doll, he tries to whip him into the ladder, but Simon lucky gets a hold of the ropes. O'Connor tries a second time and tries whipping him into the ladder, but Simon avoids it and slides to stop just in front of the ladder. O'Connor walks over to pull Seaman up, but Simon tries to counter with shots to the stomach. Though the challenger is not phased and strikes Simon with an elbow shot to Seaman's face. With Simon on his knees, O'Connor pauses before whipping him into the opposite turnbuckle. Simon struggles and manages to run at O'Connor, but O'Connor catapults Simon over his head as Simon goes face first hitting the ladder as the crowd cringes at the sight.)
Shallow:Face first into the ladder! My god the power by Ben O'Connor!
(Simon is motionless as he just lies against the ladder with his hands just dangling from each side of it. As Ben O'Connor drops to one knee, he takes a breather and then peels Simon off the ladder. With Seaman still motionless and his lifeless body being stood up by O'Connor, O'Connor
proceeds to kick Simon in the gut. Pointing to the ladder, he signals at the crowd, who are astonished at the beating Seaman's body has already
GP:Oh no. Don't do it O'Connor. Don't do it!
JT:Seaman could already have been seriously injured. This might just be icing on the cake.
(O'Connor puts Simon's head between his legs and pulls him up and then throws his body violently against the ladder.)
Shallow:He folded Seaman up like a damn accordion. Damn it, Seaman's head just bounced off the top of that ladder.
(O'Connor rolls out of the ring as Simon has now slid off the ladder and lays motionless on the canvas. The challenger goes not further than ringside. From under the ring, O'Connor scrummages around and drags out an even longer ladder, almost twice the size of the previous one.)
JT:My pick to win has another ladder folks. It looks like he wants to rub it right in front of the champ's face and grab the title with Simon still in
Shallow:If he wants it bad enough, and Simon wants it really bad, he might just do just that. O'Connor stole his title and he wants it back, no matter if he has to sacrifice his own body.
(O'Connor slides the second ladder into the ring and re-enters it himself. As he glances at Simon still showing absolutely no movement, O'Connor begins to stand the bigger ladder in the middle of the ring. With his back turned to Simon, O'Connor starts scaling the ladder. Rung by rung, O'Connor pulls himself up, though we see signs of exhaustion from him as well. Taking a deep breath, he gets up to the fifth rung of a twenty foot ladder. As the challenger pulls himself up to the eighth rung, we show signs of movement as Simon strives to get up.)
GP:The question here is if Simon, after everything that he's been through, can somehow topple that ladder down or take Ben O'Connor off of it.
(With O'Connor slowly getting on the ninth rung of the ladder, Seaman gets on all fours as he painfully tries to move and knocks the ladder leaning from the turnbuckle onto the canvas in the process. Crawling gradually over to the middle of the ring, instead of attempting to take the ladder down, Seaman grabs a hold of the bent steel chair on the ground and makes his way over to the corner of the ring. As O'Connor stands on the tenth rung, we see Simon in the corner of the screen pulling himself up. With the chair in his hands, he starts climbing up the first turnbuckle and then the second. With O'Connor halfway up the ladder, he reaches for the rungs above, but fails. As Simon sits on the top turnbuckle, he slowly stands himself up and balances.)
Shallow:Seaman has suprisingly recovered, but he might be making a big mistake right here.
(Seaman amazingly leaps off the turnbuckle and flies through the air, hitting O'Connor in the back with the steel chair, sending him and the ladder toppling to the ground as both men are down simultaneously.)
JT:Seaman leaps like Superman onto the best wrestler in Australia.
GP:He doesn't look so great now, does he?!
(With both men down, Seaman somehow is the first to get up. Pulling himself up with the set of ropes beside him, he limps over to the ladder and yanks it from under O'Connor. Dragging it into the middle of the ring, he stands it up and hauls himself up as he moderately climbs up the big ladder. With all his might, he tries to run up the ladder and gets to the seventh rung. Another burst of energy gets Seaman about seven feet away from the title overhead. Below, we see O'Connor get on his knees. Taking a deep breath, Seaman makes one last sprint up the ladder as the champ is just now inches away from the title. Reaching for the title, the fans start to get excited and cheer him on. Unable to grab the championship, Seaman stands on the next rung and now is about to touch the title with his fingertips. O'Connor gets on his feet and notices Simon reaching for the title. Ever so close to the championship, Seaman makes one last effort to grab it, but O'Connor bounces off the ropes and with a head of steam, pushes the ladder over as Simon holds onto the ladder and is savagely dropped outside of the ring. He hits the floor at ringside with a loud thump as we hear people gasp astonished about what just transpired. Loud 'Holy Shit' chants are heard throughout the arena as people are just in utter disbelief.)
GP:The human body can't take this much punishment damn it!
JT:That had to be at least a twenty foot drop at ringside. I've never heard such a sickening sound as that one in my entire IWO career. His body has just been mangled!
(With the ladder now out of the ring, O'Connor decides to pick Simon up from ringside. As Seaman starts to cough loudly on the floor, O'Connor takes advantage and slowly pulls Simon up from his short, black hair and pulls him back into the ring. Walking over to the timekeeper, O'Connor takes another steel chair and slides it into the ring. With two steel chairs now in the ring, O'Connor folds them out and lets them face each other close to the turnbuckle. With Simon still out, O'Connor proceeds to drag Simon over and slowly lifts him up and sits him on the top turnbuckle.)
GP:This match has gotten to the point where it's not about the title anymore. It's not about pride. It's about the survival of the fittest. Who can survive this match?
(O'Connor punches Simon in the gut a couple times before scaling up the turnbuckles. Hooking Simon up, O'Connor tries a superplex, but Seaman just doesn't give. O'Connor tries for a second and third time to no avail. Finally for a fourth time, O'Connor tries again, but Seaman exerts his last ounce of strength and shoves O'Connor onto the turnbuckle as the challenger violently hits the seats both chairs back first, bending each of them down.)
Shallow:After all this punishment, Simon has found strength within himself to fight back.
JT:Now if he had brains, he would go for the title right now.
(Falling off the turbuckle, Simon crawls over to the small ladder still in the ring. On both knees, he props it up under the title and attempts to climb it just with his arm strength alone. He struggles to even stand up on the first rung as O'Connor rolls out of the ring and reaches for the other ladder. Sliding the big ladder into the ring, he eventually props that ladder up next to Simon's. Ever so gradually climbing it up himself, O'Connor and Seaman exchange punches as they each try to move up their respective ladders. As Simon tries to get a punch in, O'Connor blocks it with a forearm to Seaman's face. As Seaman appears like he is about to fall off his ladder, O'Connor hooks him and drops him down all the way onto the mat with a 3/4 turn neckbreaker as Simon starts coughing up blood.)
GP:Stop the match ref! Stop the match!
Shallow:There is no way you can prepare for a match-up like this. You weren't taught it in wrestling school. You can't practice this in training. This is gruesome, it's violent, it's bloody and it's all to get that piece of gold. That prize dangling from above the ring.
JT:These guys are the future of this company and both of their careers could easily be in jeopardy.
(With blood staining the mat, Simon is there face down on the ring all bloodied and battered. With O'Connor up, he has enough strength to get up on the smaller ladder since the big one has toppled over and lays folded in the corner of the ring. With Simon still down, the referee at ringside checks up on him and pleads with Simon to forfeit, but Simon just pushes him away and tries to get up. Meanwhile, with O'Connor climbing the ladder, he eventually gets up on the top rung of that ladder and reaches up for the title, but the positioning of the ladder is awkward and the championship is way out of reach. Looking down, he sees Simon rolling on his back trying to get on his knees. O'Connor notices that he can't get the title and turns around with his back now to the ladder. Leaping off the top rung, O'Connor connects with a big body splash onto Simon Seaman.)
GP:This is nothing short of incredible.
(As O'Connor favours his abdomen, he pulls himself along the mat and drags the ladder into the middle of the ring. Running on nothing but pure adrenaline, O'Connor finds strength enough to pull himself up rung by rung. As O'Connor looks down at Seaman on the ground, he starts using everything in him to climb up the ladder. Out of the O'Connor's peripheral vision, Seaman uses the bottom rope using it as a zip line to get to the other side of the ring. O'Connor attempts to go up to the next rung, but slips and slides down back to the bottom rung. Determined to become the new champ, O'Connor tries again and gradually scales up the ladder. In front of the smaller ladder holding O'Connor, we view Simon reaching for the big ladder. Leaning it against the turnbuckle, Seaman gets himself up on a single knee. O'Connor pulls himself on his ladder as he gets halfway up it. In front of him, we see Simon set up the large ladder. As O'Connor pauses to take a breath, Simon pulls himself up own his ladder and scales it with his back turned to it. Later, we see O'Connor about five feet away from the title as Seaman is a third up the big ladder. With O'Connor just within reach of the title, Simon uses his last ounce of strength to scale up the ladder, and leap from one ladder to the next, connecting with a Silencer (buff blockbuster) on O'Connor that sends both crashing to the ground.)
GP:SILENCER! SILENCER! SILENCER!
JT:No! That can't happen!
(With O'Connor laid out unconscious on the mat, Simon finds enough strength within him to drag the big ladder over and climb up it. As fans get up on their feet in anticipation, Seaman uses his arms and legs to gradually scale the ladder. Sprinting up the ladder, we see blood still pouring from Simon's mouth. Sprinting up the ladder yet again, the champ is now three feet away.)
JT:Get up O'Connor. Come on, get up!
(As O'Connor crawls desperately over to the ladder, Simon, cringing in pain, puts his left foot up on one rung and his fight foot on his left rung. With the title in reach Simon jumps up and grabs it. Ben O'Connor lunges for the ladder and it down on the mat. Hanging from the title, Simon takes a deep breath and unhooks the IWO Unified Championship from the hook and grasps it as he collapses on the ground. The ref calls for the bell as 'Enjoy the Silence' by Failure plays throughout the arena as fans jump up on their feet and hoot and holler.)
*DING, DING, DING*
Shallow:Yes! Yes! Yes!Simon has done it! Simon Seaman is undisputably your IWO UNIFIED CHAMPION!
Ring Announcer:The winner of this match and STILL IWO UNIFIED CHAMPION...SIMON SEAMAN!
GP:What a match! Both men put it all on the line but it was Simon who got the last word and got back that title
JT:I am by far not a Simon Seaman fan, but you can't help but admire the effort that he gave here tonight. Both men did. Though in the end, Simon made Ben O'Connor as he likes to put it, enjoy the silence.
(The referee enters the ring and raises Simon's lifeless hand as the fans in attendance give both men a standing ovation.)
GP:This match has emotionally and physically been draining to even watch in person. This match is why you love wrestling. This match is why you love the IWO.
(Several referees from the back run into the ring and help both competitors up and out of the ring a fans continue to cheer and applaud.)
GP:And Seaman barely pulls out the duke here, and he will hold onto the Unified Title, at least ONE more day longer... but before we go on with the show, it seems that Thomas Ford has an announcement to make! Take it away Mr. Ford!
JT:Ha, he doesn't have a title!
(The camera fades backstage, as we see none other than President Ford sitting in his office.)
(Ford pauses for a bit, and lets out a cough.)
Ford:Okay, now, I'm sure all of you want to know who the two mystery people are. Well, I'm sorry to dissapoint you, but I couldn't get anyone really cool to come back. Joey Rappaport forgot where he was in his mental ward, Titan was busy recieving head from six lesbians, it was hard finding these superstars. I tried to call the Raging One but they told me he was on an African Safari or something like that. He could hve been touring London, but I just couldn't reach him. Then I tried to get ahold of the Mysterious One, but he Mystery Death Drivered one of my receptionists. Billy Larson was all mean and told me to tell Jamie to fuck off. Zombie was all FEAR ME, and I followed suit by not talking to that guy anymore. Phelen Kell was the only real nice person out there, he simply said that he was busy with his training center. He didn't have time to come back. I called Dane Wilt, but all I got on the other end were orgasmic cries... where was I? Oh yes, the two mystery men. Well, seeing as how I totally took the handoff and fumbled, I have to think of a super dooper cool way to make Mall Brawl, spifftastic! And you know what, I think we're going to do that by taking two men who I hold in high regard, and thrusting them into the Mall of America. Now, they may be tired, but right now, I'm going on my last wing here. So, Scott Styles, and Simon Seaman will both be entering Mall Brawl tonight, with their titles ON THE LINE!
(The crowd, of course pops.)
Ford:Yeah, that means that EACH championships will be on the line! However, the Unified and Television championships CAN NOT be won. They must be FOUND inside the Mall of America. Yes, sucks to be Seaman and Styles now, doesn't it? Damn my late lazy planning. I couldn't even get a mentally insane guy like Rappaport to come back for one day. Man I'm an idiot...
(The scene fades out, back inside the arena.)
GP:DEAR GOD! HEATSTROKE 2001! MALL BRAWL FIVE! EVERY SINGLES CHAMPIONSHIP WILL BE UP FOR GRABS HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
JT:Oh great, SOMEONE GET A NAPKIN! I told you Parker to stop having orgasms on television.
(Nikki runs away.)
JT:Oh great. Stupid whore... WAKE UP SO YOU CAN CRY YOU WHORE! THERE'S A WEDDING AFTER THE TAG MATCH!
(Nikki instinctivly awakens.)
Nikki:Awh! I always cry at weddings!
GP: Woo. Okay, here we go. Heated five-way tag team turmoil, for the World Tag championships! Can the Deadly Sins still hold on to the coveted straps with Jake Walker gone?
Nikki: Not to mention the fact that Jack Breaker's getting married later tonight, live in that very ring!
GP: I was just GETTING TO THAT, Nikki. Let's just get down to Meygon for the introductions.
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it's for the Internet Wrestling Orginization Tag Team championships! Making
their way to the ring first, Jeff and Ryan King, the Suicide Kings!
[Jeff and Ryan suddenly appear on the stage to a mild pop. They stroll casually to the ring and pose on the turnbuckles.]
Meygon: Introducing next, from Springfield, Illinois and Nova Scotia, Canada, Zachary Lyons and Nicholas Kain, the Convicts of Age!
[The Convicts appear on the ramp next and run out to the ring.They climb up on the apron and stare down the waiting Suicide Kings.]
Meygon: Making their way to the ring next, they've held a whole damn lot of titles, 'The Neighborhood Lunatic' High Flyer and Tony Davis, Team VIAGRA!
["I Hope you Die" by by the Bloodhound Gang hits and Team VIAGRA run out to the ring to a big pop. They slide into the ring and look around to gauge the crowd's excitement.]
Meygon: Comming to the ring now, from Mexico City, Mexico, Miguel and Juan, Los Llamas del Asno!
["The Macarena" by Del los Rios hits and Los Llamas del Asno run out and join the fray on the apron.]
[Suddenly, the lights dim and the crowd begins to rumble.]
GP: The suspense is killing me!
JT: Shut up, Greg.
Nikki: Yeah, shut up.
["Black Dog" by Led Zepplin hits over the P.A. system as fireworks burst on either side of the ramp. The crowd goes nuts as fire leaps up from
the ring posts.]
GP: What the hell?
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from New Orleans, Louisiana and Tulsa, Oaklahoma, the new IWO tag team champions by order of Jamie Kosoy, Jack Breaker and Rodeo Daniels, The Jack Daniels Connection!
[Jack and Rodeo run down to the ring with their championship belts to a wild pop.]
Nikki: Wow! This match is off to an incredible start already!
GP: Okay, we're starting off with Jeff, Zachary, Juan, Tony, and Rodeo in the ring.
JT: Who the hell is Rodeo Daniels?
GP: Jamie lost a bet with Jack Breaker last week on Takeover, and had to give Rodeo a tryout here tonight. Remeber?
*DING DING DING!*
GP: Looks like this match is on! Rodeo Daniels and Jeff King trade right hands, Zachary Lyons and Tony Davis brawl out in the corner, leaving Juan just sort of... standing there.
JT: Ooh... Rodeo Daniels takes Jeff down with a hook punch, and bam! Double leg takedown!
GP: Oldschool wrestling, there. Rodeo picks Jeff up now, waistlocks from behind, hooks his leg, and lifts.. Salto suplex! Rodeo's off to an
impressive start here in the IWO!
JT: Meanwhile, Zach sends Tony into the turnbuckle and charges...Tony puts the boot up... ow! Boot to the jaw!
GP: Juan rushes in for a double team... Tony hasn't put his boot down yet... ouch, that wasn't pretty.
JT: Juan's on the mat, so is Zachary... Tony goes up top, and nails a perfect flying headbutt!
GP: Back on the other side of the ring, Rodeo Daniels is still taking it to Jeff King. Irish whip, clothesline... but Jeff ducks under his arm and
hits a facecrusher!
JT: Hah, how's your precious Rodeo Daniels now?
GP: Hey, he's only human.
JT: Pfft. That's your answer for everything.
GP: Uhm... yeaah. Back to the match, Jeff's trying to take advantage with a spinning toehold on Rodeo, but Rodeo pushes his leg and he falls on
his back. Rodeo hops up and applies a... crucifix kneebar!
JT: Man, he's really cranking on that leg, Jeff might tap out... but no! Ryan King off the top rope with a missile dropkick! The ref runs over to pull Ryan away, Rodeo springs up, Ryan swings a fist, Rodeo ducks, and the ref goes flying over the top rope!
GP: Holy! It's a warzone in there now! Everyone's in the ring! Ryan and Jeff King whip Rodeo Daniels into the ropes, but here comes Jack Breaker to break it up! Throat slam suplex to Ryan King, but Jeff swings around with a roundhouse kick, and Jack hits the mat!
JT: Now Juan and Miguel are double-teaming Tony Davis, while the Convicts of Age keep High Flyer in the corner. Uhm... why don't you say it,
GP: *Ahem*... Zach's stomping a mudhole and Nick's walkin' it dry!
JT: I hate you.
GP: Juan and Miguel, with a double atomic drop on Tony Davis! Miguel's up top... Pheonix splash! Now Juan, with a senton splash! Nails it!
JT: Zachary Lyons sets High Flyer up on the turnbuckle, Nicholas slides out of the ring and behind Flyer, hooks his neck, and hits a neckbreaker off the turnbuckle! High Flyer's hanging upside-down off the turnbuckle by his ankles outside the ring!
GP: Zach mounts the turnbuckle with a baseball bat, and takes it to Flyer's ribs! Ow! Ow! Ow!
JT: Here comes Jack Breaker to break it up... wait, why the hell is he doing that?
GP: Jeff King just whipped him into the turnbuckle. Are you blind or something?
JT: Yes. *sniffle.*
GP: Ahem. Yeah. Jeff and Ryan pounce on Jack, but here comes Rodeo Daniels with an electric guitar to Jeff's spine! That's gotta hurt.
JT: Moron. It's all hollow, you know.
GP: Not an ELECTRIC guitar. Dumbass. Uhm... back to the action.Rodeo executes a face-first wheelbarrow powerbomb on Jeff, and Jack with
a shoulder jawbreaker on Ryan... the Suicide Kings are down!
JT: Back in the ring, Team VIAGRA are taking advantage of the Convicts of Age, and Los Llamas del Asno are just sort of... standing around
GP: High Flyer, with a reverse hip toss on Zachary Lyons, follows up with a wheelbarrow suplex right into the turnbuckle! That's gotta hurt!
JT: Tony Davis and Nicholas Kain lock up... Tony gets a front headlock... Nick puts his knee into Tony's gut! Tony bends over in pain... Nicholas hits a stretch powerbomb!
GP: High Flyer goes for a high kick... Zach catches his leg, and executes a Dragon leg screw! Team VIAGRA are both down!
JT: Now Zachary's got High Flyer up on his feet, hooks for a vertical suplex... brings him down into a DDT! Forbidden Sunset!
GP: Here comes Nicholas Kain with a Swan dive moonsault on Flyer! Majestic Light!
JT: Back outside the ring, the Jack Daniels Connection are taking it to the Suicide Kings. They've all got chairs!
GP: Jack swings, Ryan catches it with his chair... Ryan swings, Rodeo knocks the chair to the floor. Ryan ducks to pick it up, Rodeo swings, Jeff breaks it up! Ryan's got his chair back, pops up, and catches Jack in the head! Jack goes down, Rodeo swings around and takes out Jeff!
JT: Jeez. Let's get back to the real action. Look at Miguel! He's....just sort of standing there.
GP: Rodeo Daniels and Ryan King are brawling outside of the ring...right hook by Rodeo, block and uppercut by Ryan, Rodeo catches his fist
and... falling armbreaker! Rodeo rolls Ryan into the ring! Rodeo scoops Ryan up, drives into the turnbuckle, swings around, and hits a facebuster! The Oaklahoma Buster!
JT: Rodeo sets Ryan up for a vertical suplex, but Jeff King slides into the ring and grabs Rodeo's ankle! Rodeo falls, and Ryan lands on top of
him! That's a cover, too!
GP: Oh, how convenient. The ref rolls in just now.
GP: Kickout! Rodeo kicks out!
JT: Zachary Lyons takes High Flyer down with a scoop slam! He rushes over and starts stomping on Rodeo Daniels! Now he and Ryan King are brawling! And here comes Jack Breaker!
GP: Zach and Ryan both hit the mat at the hands of Jack Breaker and a steel chair! He and Rodeo are planning something now.
JT: Looks like the ref has just totally lost track of the legal men in the match! This is a free-for-all!
GP: Jeff King takes down Tony Davis! High Flyer goes for Nicholas Kain! Zachary Lyons and Ryan King brawl out to ringside! Juan and Miguel are still just sort of... standing there!
JT: And here comes the Jack Daniels Connection! Bam! Double clothesline to Zach! Now Rodeo takes out Tony Davis with a jawbreaker! Jack
takes on the Suicide Kings... headbutt to the gut of Jeff, and a sunset flip!
GP: Jeff reverses with a cradle of his own!
JT: Jack breaks it up and quickly covers!
GP: Ryan King breaks it up before three with a boot to Jack's ribs!
JT: Now it looks like High Flyer's taking the advantage over Nicholas Kain with some hard soccer kicks! Here comes Zachary Lyons... but he
gets intercepted by Tony Davis, who knocks him over the top rope with a flying forearm!
GP: Meanwhile, Rodeo Daniels sends Jeff King for a ride into the turnbuckle. Rodeo charges, and bam! Nails a flying cross chop right into Jeff's
JT: Ryan King and Jack Breaker are duking it out as well! Ryan sends Jack into the ropes, but Jack reverses it and whips Ryan! Jack stretches
his arm out for a clothesline, but Ryan ducks, and locks in a sleeper hold!
GP: Ryan lowers Jack to the mat, and it really looks like Jack's out of this. The ref's raising his arm... one count. Raises it again... there's tw...
no! Jack gets the arm up, and now he's digging into Ryan with some elbows!
JT: Jack fights him off, turns around and boots Ryan in the gut! Ryan doubles over, and Jack hooks his neck, swings around, and falls backwards! Clockwork DDT on Ryan King!
GP: Meanwhile, Rodeo has Jeff King at the turnbuckle. He takes him out with a high jumping kick, then climbs to the top rope, flips, and catches Jeff with a neckbreaker on the way down! There's the Heartbreaker!
JT: Rodeo covers Jeff, while Jack covers Ryan!
*DING DING DING*
Meygon: Here are your winners, and still IWO World Tag Team champions, the Jack Daniels Connection!
GP:UNBELIEVABLE! Only time will tell if this team can be as successful as the Deadly Sins were...
(Jack Breaker and Rodeo Daniels grab the tag team titles, as they leave the ring. Aubrey Gibson follows on Jack's arm, as the rest of the wrestlers leave the ringside area.)
GP : Now it's time for the crappy- I mean, the next portion of our show, the Play With Yourself or Die match. Nikki, why don't you tell everyone at home the rules to this match?
Nikki : Well, Greg, the rules ... the rules ... actually, I have no clue what the rules to this match are. Do you?
GP : Well ... come to think of it, no.
JT : Neither do I. But I do know that any one or all of the participants may and probably will die. So that's a plus!
GP : You're a sick man, JT.
JT : Really? (Feels his forehead for a fever) You know, you're right. I do feel a little woozy, too, now that you mention it.
(JT leans forward and vomits on GP's shoe.)
GP : Well that's just great! Now who's gonna clean that up?
JT : Johnny Shallow.
GP : No he wo- (Sees Johnny Shallow cleaning up JT's vomit) Well, what do you know? Shallow, what the hell are you doing?
Shallow : Oh, you didn't know? I'm a part-time janitor for the IWO.
GP : Um ... OK.
Shallow : What? I needed the money! SOME people aren't on every PPV.
Nikki : I can relate to that.
GP : Point taken. Anyway, let's get back to the damn match. I just want to get this one over with.
JT : And see people die!
GP : Yes, that too.
Nikki : Am I even still here?
GP : I think it's pretty clear that you're not.
Nikki : (Disappointedly) Oh.
Meygon : Introducing first, hailing from Los Angeles, California ... standing at 6'5" and weighing 265 lbs. ... accompanied tonight by Whiskey Wayne... the master of the Shadow Kick ... AAASSSSHHHHH RRRROOOBBBIIINNSSSSOOOOONNNNN!!!
("Now You're A Man - Theme from Orgasmo" plays as Ash makes his way out, followed by Whiskey Wayne. Wayne passes out about halfway down the ramp, though, and has to be dragged off by security. Ash slides in, not seeming very concerned about his manager, and starts pumping himself up for the match.)
Meygon : Next, hailing from ... you know, I don't know, and nobody really cares about this guy anyway, so just here he is, Scott Stone!
("Hellbound" by D-12 - I think that's his music, if not, nobody really gives a damn - plays as Scott Stone walks out, seeming a bit pissed over his introduction, and slides into the ring. He immediately goes after Ash and backs him into the corner with right hands. Ash reverses him into the turnbuckle, however, and starts pummeling - note it's not pumbling, whichever of you writers thinks that's a word - Scott.)
Meygon : And next, another guy with no stats that nobody cares about, Ike Rogers!
("Ike Rogers' Theme Music Which Is Probably Quite Crappy" plays as Ike runs out, also seeming angry about his intro. Then he remembers that he sucks and realizes that Meygon was right. He dejectedly climbs onto the apron and steps into the ring. Ash sees him standing there feeling sorry for himself, and blasts him with the Shadow Kick (Superkick).)
GP : Well, Ash is kicking ass so far, although the match hasn't really started yet, and that's not really saying much anyway.
Meygon : And last (thank God), from Aspen, Colorado ... standing at his height and weighing his weight ... accompanied by Christy, unless she's left him by now for being a loser, which I bet she has ... the master of the Palindrome ... LLLLLLLIIIIIIIIGGGGGGIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!
("Suffocate" by Finger Eleven plays as LiGiL walks out by himself. He casually walks down the ramp, grabs a chair from ringside, and rolls in
with it. He nails Ash with it from behind as the bell rings.)
DING, DING, AW FUCK IT, THIS MATCH DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE THE LAST DING!
GP : Well, that was rather insulting. Hey, was that chairshot even legal?
JT : Probably not, but I don't think the referee cares about this match Any more than we do.
GP : Oh yeah, probably not.
(LiGiL picks Ash back up and puts him in a standing head scissors, but Scott Stone recovers from the turnbuckle and delivers a running dropkick to the back of LiGiL's head. He grabs the chair and waits for LiGiL to get to his feet, then throws the chair to LiGiL and tries for a Van Daminator. However, being the useless waste of space he is, he trips and seems to have sprained his ankle. I think I'm going to let my cat type for a while now. 77y7y6666667777. That was great, Shadow.)
JT : Haha, Stone hurt himself going for a Van Daminator! What a tard! How'd he ever get into the IWO, anyway?
GP : A lot of marijuana influencing the acceptance committee, and a slight resemblance on Stone's part to Alec Baldwin.
JT : But he doesn't look like Alec Baldwin at all!
GP : Tell that to the acceptance committee when they're higher than a senior citizen golf player's belt buckle!
Nikki : ...You know, Stone may not really look like Alec Baldwin, but he is kinda cute.
(Silence for several moments.)
Nikki : OK, I take it back.
GP : That's better.
(Ike Robinson seems to just be recovering, but he is suddenly baseball slide dropkicked out of the ring by LiGiL. LiGiL slides out after him and
starts stomping his prone body. Ash Robinson bounces off the ropes on the opposite side and jumps for a suicide plancha, but gets tangled up in the ropes and falls heavily to the outside. He does land on LiGiL, though, taking them both out.)
GP : This is a great back and forth match-up! You only get excitement like this in the IWO!
JT : OK, what the hell was that?
GP : Sorry, I think the ghost of JR overcame me.
Nikki : ...But JR's not dead.
GP : Hmmm. That's a good point.
(Scott Stone limps his way to the outside and realizes that he is the only one standing. He grabs Ike Robinson by the hair and leads him up the
low-set, fairly flat ramp and to the backstage. He starts slamming Ike into walls and such, but Ike manages to block after a few slams and starts elbowing Stone in the stomach. He grabs Stone by the hair and pulls his head back into a reverse DDT.)
GP : Whoa, a move that didn't suck and didn't get fucked up!
JT : How could you even screw up a reverse DDT?
GP : Oh, you'd be surprised.
(Meanwhile, LiGiL and Ash have recovered from Ash's daring high-risk maneuver attempt and are trading blows on the outside of the ring. Ash grabs LiGiL by the hair and slams his head into the metal post. He then takes Ash up the ramp and to the backstage area along with Stone and Ike. Ash slows LiGiL upside down into a trash can, and then focuses his attention on Ike. Scott Stone stands up with something in his hand.)
GP : Oh my God, he's got a gun!
JT : Yes! Finally, some real blood!
(Scott appears to have found a gun ... somewhere. Maybe he brought it out with him and just now remembered. Who the hell cares? Scott cocks the trigger and aims at Ike, then Ash, then LiGiL who is picking himself out of the trash can. Finally, Scott points the gun towards his head and pulls the trigger. Ew.)
GP : Well, Stone has just done the world a favor and shot himself in the head. Luckily, there wasn't much gore, because there was never really anything in Stone's head to begin with.
Nikki : Awww, and he was almost maybe sorta kinda cute.
(The other jobbers - I mean, wrestlers look at Stone for about three seconds, then go back to beating the living crap out of each other. Ash grabs Ike and begins kneeing him repeatedly in the gut, but as he's doing so LiGiL picks up the can he was thrown into and smashes Ash over the head with it. He grabs him by the arm and Irish whips him further down the hall, where Ash crashes through a door into a stairwell. As LiGiL is celebrating his Irish whip, which may be move of the match, Ike Rogers grabs him from behind for a Tazzmission ... but can't get the arms quite right. He begins moving the arms around while muttering to himself.)
Ike : Hmmm ... now, I know this right one goes up in the air, like this ... but what in the hell do I do with his left arm? Maybe I should stick it up my ass. I don't think that would do anything, but it sure would be fun...LiGiL: ...Dude, you suck worse than I do.
(LiGiL punches Ike in the face and whips him into the same stairwell that Ash was whipped into. Ash, who's just getting to his feet, sees Ike rushing at him and bends over. He tosses Ike up in the air with a back body drop that sends Ike flying over the stairwell railing. Meanwhile, the Mysterious Birdman is walking by at the bottom of the stairwell.)
Birdman : I CAN'T KAWING BELIEVE IT! I FINALLY GOT MY HANDS ON AN AUTHENTIC GERMAN WORLD WAR I HELMET! ... I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WILL BENEFIT ME IN ANY WAY, BUT THESE THINGS LOOK PRETTY KAWING COOL!
(The Birdman puts the spiked helmet on his head. Ike finishes falling the ten feet or so to the bottom of the stairwell, and lands directly on top of the Birdman's helmet, impaling himself.)
Ike : ...Owie.
Birdman : SON OF A MOTHER CLUCKER! THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK! STUPID IWO JOBBERS!
(The Birdman walks off, with the impaled body of Ike Rogers still on top of his helmet.)
GP : Well, that was ... interesting.
JT : Two down, two to go. Please God, make it quick.
God : OK.
(God tosses a lightning bolt down from Heaven, which narrowly misses striking Ash Robinson.)
Ash : Ha! Missed me, sucker!
(Ash, gloating, predictably turns and falls into the hole in the floor left by the lightning bolt. LiGiL walks up to the hole.)
LiGiL : Um ... are you still alive?
Ash's Voice : Yes.
LiGiL : (Sighs) Son of a bitch! I was hoping I was gonna get out of this one without dying.
Nikki : Heh heh, THAT'S real likely.
(LiGiL takes a deep breath and leaps down the hole. The camera cuts to the floor below, where Ash Robinson is standing, eating a Sno-Cone that he got from ... somewhere. LiGiL lands on him, making him spill his Sno-Cone.)
Ash Robinson : My delicious icy treat! Oh, that's it, palindrome boy! Your ass is ... well ... I forget the rest!
(Ash leaps onto LiGiL and begins choking him weakly. LiGiL tries to shove him off, pushing just as weakly.)
GP : You know, this match is getting more and more pathetic.
(LiGiL finally headbutts Ash, knocking him off. Both men get to their feet and trade blows. Ash gets the upper hand and backs LiGiL towards a pool of molten lava. Why there's a pool of lava on a floor of this arena, no one knows. Ash gets LiGiL tottering on the brink of the pool. He rears back for a big punch, but LiGiL ducks and trips Ash into the pool.)
LiGiL : (As Ash screams and dies horribly) I win! I win!
(As LiGiL celebrates, Schitzo Tod sneaks up behind him.)
Tod : ...Boo!
(LiGiL shrieks like a girl and leaps in the air. Too late, he realizes that he leaped forward a little and is now slowly tipping forwards. He waves
his arms in the air to try to reverse direction, and manages to stop his fall. LiGiL breathes a sigh of relief, which upsets his balance and sends
falling, shrieking, into the pool of lava.)
GP : Well, I'm glad that's finally over.
JT : I hear ya. Now let's get plastered and go to a strip club!
GP : Um, JT ... we're in the middle of a PPV.
JT : Oh yeah, THAT. Aren't we supposed to be heading over to the Mall of America for Mall Brawl? I mean, we can get plastered on the way!
GP:Good point. Come on Nikki. You can show the world those fine ass boobs.
JT:It's TITS! What have I taught you Parker! NOTHING?!?
Nikki:What you two idiots forgot, is that we HAVE A WEDDING UP NEXT! *Sniffle* I'm gonna cry...
[Cut back to the arena. A red carpet has been stretched out from the entrance ramp to the ring, where a local priest stands. As the camera pans in, "Devil's Haircut" by Beck plays and Jack Breaker walks slowly down to the ring, dressed in a buttoned-up blue flannel shirt and brown corduroy jeans. He reaches the apron and stops as his music is replaced with the opening bars of "Space Suit" by They Might be Giants and Aubrey Gibson steps out to the ramp, wearing a simple white skirt and sweater. Jack climbs up on the apron as she reaches the ring, and he holds the ropes open for her. They step up to the priest.]
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Jack Breaker and Aubrey Gibson in holy matrimony.
JT: Holy matrimony, batman!
GP: Shut up.
Priest: If anyone present sees reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
GP: Don't say a damn word, JT.
Priest: Do you, Aubrey Gibson, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in helth, `till death do
Aubrey: I do.
Priest: And do you, Jack Breaker, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better and for worse, in richness and poorness, till death do you part?
Priest: Then I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.
JT: Damn, that was quick. What was it, forty seconds?
[Jack and Aubrey kiss, as the priest leaves the ring. Suddenly, the lights go out.]
GP: ...the hell?
[The lights flash back on. Jack and Aubrey are laid out on the mat, and the Suicide Kings are standing over them with chairs.]
GP: My God! The madness! This is terrible!
JT: Oh, shut up. I think Jack's... bleeding!
GP: This... this is just too much. Let's go to a the Mall Brawl promo...
JT:So we can get plastered! RIGHT?!?!
GP:Sure JT... Whatever you think.
"Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Slowly, a familar image of one Mysterious One, holding up the World Heavyweight Championship is shown across the screen. He holds the belt for all to see, high in the sky
In my eyes, indisposed...
In disguise as no one knows...
Hides the face...
Lies the snake...
We see images of Mad Max laughing in Spencers, holding up Nude greeting cards. We see an image of a "Fine ass big breated Whore" Superkicking Justin Shack to the ground. We see Hostile Youth nailing their "New and Improved" Circle of Destruction onto Kansas City Kid. We then see Rappaport climbing a railing near the fountain and diving in, eliminating him from the contest.
The sun in my disgrace...
Boiling heat, summer stench...
'Neath the black the sky looks dead...
We see Zombie sticking the brunt end of a putter up Justin Shack's ass, as we see Chris Anthony nail Shack with CA's Wild Ride. Later, we see Hostile Youth, Dane Wilt and Phelen Kell driving along in Golf carts, narrowly missing Zombie.
Call my name through the cream...
And I'll hear you scream again...
Zombie is shown entering a Jeff Gordan car, chasing after the two tag team partners. We then see Zombie throwing golf balls at Wilt and Kell, as Wilt hits his brakes, and Zombie collides with him, sending Wilt flying.
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
And wash away the rain...
CA is then shown coming racing down, and hits Kell, causing him to land on top of Wilt for another elimination in Mall Brawl 99. We see War fall from a railing, as Max flies down on an umbrella, and pins Ken War.We then see Max cutting off a dress on the Raging One, and then pinning him down for the count.
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
We see Max tossing up a grappling hook, as it catches Zombie, and brings him down to the Mall floor. Kell is then shown dropping Anthony off from his hanging position, as Zombie is eliminated by CA. We then see Mad Max powerbomb CA into his elimination.
Stuttering, cold and damp...
Steal the warm wind tired friend...
Times are gone for honest men...
We see Max and Kell battling in an elevator, as the elevator crashes. Max and Kell get out, brawling. We then see Kell plant Max into the wreckage, as Kell's hand is raised as the winner of the second yearly Mall Brawl...
And sometimes far too long for snakes...
In my shoes...
A walking sleep...
And my youth I pray to keep...
We fade into highlights from last years Mall Brawl, as we see all of the combatants eliminate Al Coholic at the begining of the match. We see Cappy shove Michael Dudley off of a stack and onto a bunch of computers for the elimination.
Heaven send Hell away...
No one sings like you anymore...
We see Evan Levine nail Phyre in the back of the head with a ski, breaking it over his head entirely. We see the Vietnam Veteran falling off a 75 foot balcony, as Cappy drops down as well, on top of the Vet. We see Rob Kestler nail Capital Punishment over the head with a baseball bat.
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
And wash away the rain...
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
We see Nicholas Kain nail LiGiL in the head with the Fatal Facial, pinning him for the count. We see Fugite lock in the Statis on Nicholas Kain, as he stays laid out for the pin. We then see Kestler lock an arm bar on Levine, as Levine taps out.
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
And wash away the rain...
Black hole sun...
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
We see Kestler and Fugite work their way up to the roof, as Fugite nails Lost Time through the Mall of America's roof. We see Kestler and Fugite battling from the ceiling, as Kestler falls on top of Fugite from Camp Snoopy. We then see Levine nail Larson with a chairshot, and grab a referee shirt off his back. Levine then nails Fugite with Conceptual Perfection, as Kestler draps his arm and wins the world title.
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
Won't you come...
We see faded images of Kestler and Phelen Kell holding the championships up to the sky, as we see the twelve combatants of Mall Brawl come out in the front. Kell and Kestler fades out completely as the Mall of America appears behind them. Slowly, the image highlights each wrestler, ending with Kent Anthason holding the World championship high. Then, the image cracks like glass, revealing the Mall of America...
(An enormous pop is heard from the Minnesotan's in attendance at the Target Center. Suddenly, we cut from the Target Center to a sky view of the Mall of America in Bloomington, a quiet, peaceful suburb of Minneapolis. From the sky shot, we see several unsuspecting Minnesotan shoppers wandering aimlessly around the mall in search for that "beautiful dress", or those "nice fucking shoes", or perhaps a blow up doll of Jessica Simpson from Rob Kestler's "Porn N' Go" shop, now located in a booth right in front of the Lego Imagination Center, in hopes of getting children the masturbation objects of their dreams. Anyway, we then cut to a huge ass blimp flying around in the middle of the mall. A replica of the Hindenburg, only not quite as big, and instead of Nazi logos on the fins, we have pictures of Jamie Kosoy winking suggestively. A crowd of fans formulates below the blimp, and they begin to point in the air and scream at the top of their lungs. We fade to the inside of the blimp, where we see a television set, and a lavish, velvet announcers table. We see Greg Parker, JT and of course the beautiful Nikki broadcasting.)
GP (barely able to be heard over the screams of the audience here in the Mall of America) - JESUS W. CHRIST!!! LISTEN TO THE SCREAMS!!! YOU'D THINK WE WERE AT AN N'SYNC CONCERT OR SOMETHING, WITH ALL OF THOSE PATHETIC TEENY BOPPERS SCREAMING FOR JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTIES!! BUT NO!! THIS KIND OF POP CAN ONLY BE GENERATED BY THE FUCKING IWO!!! HELLO FANS, AND WELCOME TO THE KOSOYBURG, A CHEAPER, YET MORE EFFICIENT VERSION OF THE GERMAN HINDENBURG!!
Nikki - I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BLIMP WAY UP HERE IN THE MALLS UPPER ATMOSPHERE WAS SO WE COULD BE HEARD OVER THE FANS?!
JT *in a squeakier then average voice* - HELLO FANS, AND WELCOME TO THE KOSOYBURG, A CHEAPER, YET MORE EFFICIENT VERSION OF THE GERMAN HINDENBURG!! WOW, LOOK AT THESE MINNESOTAN FANS, THEY ARE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS! WAIT A MINUTE.... WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FUCKING VOICE!!
Nikki - JT, I think you might be going through that special time in every boy's life, where his voice begins "changing". This also comes with such activities as "growing a penis" and "developing curly hair to keep this 'penis' warm".
JT *still squeaky voiced* - VERY FUNNY, YOU STUPID WHORE!! WAIT A MINUTE, MY VOICE KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE MY VOICE IS ON HELIU... OH MY GOD! THE HELIUM IS LEAKING OUT OF THE BLIMP!! IT'S
GOING TO DEFLATE, AND WE'RE GOING TO CRASH INTO THAT ROLLER COASTER DOWN THERE!!!!! MY GOD!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEE!!!!
GP - OH MY GOD!!! There's so much I haven't done in my life, so many drugs I have yet to experience!! AND I'M CERTAINLY NOT DYING A VIRGIN!! *Greg rips off the IWO announcer shirt he has worn for the past 10 years* NIKKI, COME AND GET ME BEFORE GREG BEAR COMES AND GETS YOU!!!
Nikki - What the fuck?!
JT *his voice normal, bursting out laughing* - ...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! APRIL FOOLS, PARKER!!
(An awkward pause. Greg rolls up a calendar and beats JT across the head with it.)
GP - It's August you dickhead! Oh my god, it's gonna take forever for mother to sew these buttons back on my announcer shirt!
Nikki - ... what's this about me touching you?
GP *shifting his eyes back and forth, blushing* - OH, heh heh, it's not like I have sick fantasies about you and use you as the object of my masturbation when mother goes to the supermarket or anything. *eyes shift back and forth again* Heh heh, ANYWAY, let's put this awkwardness behind us quickly and cut to the announcer of this match, the governor of Minnesota, JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURRRAAAA!!!
(A combination of disgruntling sounds and boo's are heard as Jesse "The Body" Ventura's shameful name is heard. Since, contrary to belief, Minnesota hates Jesse. We elected him on the premise that he might change things in Minnesotan politics with his brutal honesty, but instead, he spends his time masturbating in the Senate Chamber and endorcing his crappy merchandise. Anyway, we cut to a large, crow's nest type tower built in the middle of Camp Snoopy, with some Minnesotan's throwing whatever they can get a hold of at him, such as hot dogs and hypothermic needles. Jesse, oblivious to the fact anybody could hate him, speaks.)
Jesse Ventura - HELLOOOOO MINNESO-TAH! *boo's are heard once again* Thank you Mr. Parker, but no longer do I go by my wrestling tag name. For now on, you may call me Jesse "The Mind" Ventura! Because I am smart! Shit, I just bit my tongue. Better put a band aide on it.
(Jesse snaps his fingers, and one of his bodyguards [wearing a Jesse "The Mind" Ventura t-shirt] runs up and puts a Jetsons band aide on his tongue, which makes him talk a lot sloppier.)
Jesse Ventura *spit flying everywhere* - Tank juw. Buy da new "Mind" t-thert, my fethlow Minnethotans! And make thyur goventher richth!
(Jesse's band aide flies off his tongue and hits some kid in the eye.)
Some Kid *his eye winced in pain* - YOU HIT ME IN THE EYE WITH YOUR TONGUE BANDAGE YOU FUCKER!!!
Jesse Ventura - Oops, sorry about that kid! Don't sue, and I'll get you a 10% off coupon on the Jesse action figure! But now, without further delay, the contestants for our match are...
(A huge pop is heard, as Jesse Ventura pulls out his cue cards from his pocket.)
Jesse Ventura *in an un-interested tone of voice* -Kentanthasonsyphonfissionthemysteriousbirdm ansimonseamanscottstylesnukejoeymaloneawsmanals oknownasbilltomlexianhighflyerbenarcherdonniedaze. There are your contestants, blah blah, I got lot's of head to reciev- er, "politics to handle", so where's my money?
GP - That was the single worst ring announcing I have ever heard since his days at the XFL. I don't even know why we hired the son of a bitch.
(A large check is handed to Jesse Ventura, and he flashes that see-through politician smile. The crowd is in an uproar of boo's and not-so-shiney name calling, and they begin throwing whatever they can get their hands on at Jesse Ventura, as Jesses bodyguards run away and dive into the wishing fountain, with piss all over their black uniforms.)
GP - My god! This is barbaric! The fans are going insane!
JT - ONE JUST CLOBBERED JESSE VENTURA OUT COLD WITH A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO!! SHAMPOO ALL OVER JESSE!!
GP - The fans are climbing up the legs of the crows nest that the governor is currently laying unconscious in! THE FANS AT THE BASE OF IT BEGIN SHAKING THOSE POSTS THAT HOLD UP THE GOD DAMN CROWS NEST!! MY GOD!! THE WOOD OF THE CROWS NEST IS CRACKING!!
JT - WHAT THE FUCK?! HERE COMES MIDGET NUKE!! HE'S GOT A SLEDGE HAMMER!!
Nikki - Oh my lord! He is smashing away at the posts of the Crows Nest with the sledge hammer! like a fucking madman!
GP - OH MY GOD!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! THE CROWS NEST JUST COLLAPSED!! JESSE VENTURA SMASHES THROUGH THE GLASS OF THE CROWS NEST, AND HIS BODY IS TRAPPED IN THE RUBBLE, ALONG WITH THE BODIES OF SEVERAL IWO FANS!! THIS IS GRUESOME!!
JT - Now this sounds like a good time to read off a little disclaimer. Ahem. Fans, when the IWO enters your local shopping facility, watch the fuck out.
GP - I guess we are now going to have a replacement ring announcer announce the contestants for today's match, since we kind of, um, almost killed the last one. And who could be a more qualified replacement? None other then, winner of last years Mall Brawl, ROB KESTLER!
(We cut to Rob Kestler, standing atop the flaming wreckage of where the former Governors Crows Nest once stood, as midget Nuke rides a stretcher (with Jesse Ventura laying in it, connected to a life support machine) down the escalators in enjoyment. Rob Kestler has a piece of cheese stuck on the end of a chop stick, which is his microphone.)
Rob Kestler - Thank you Mr. Smelly. Isn't that midget Nuke a sweetheart? He looks like a little panda bear.
midget Nuke *as he sets Jesse Venturas stretcher on fire and wheels it into the women's restroom* - FUCK OFF!!
Rob Kestler *blushing* - Awwww. Well, my imaginary friend says it's about time to read off these people in this match or whatever, so I can set up the Psychic Porn 'N Go in this silly mall near that Lego Imagination Center and give the people what they want - woodies!
(Rob Kestler leaps in the air and clicks his heels together. He begins reading off entrances.)
Rob Kestler - Now somewhere in the Mall of America breathes 10 silly willy wrestlers, armed and extremely fuzzy. The person that lasts the longest get's the World title, like I did last year, and therefore, saved Christmas from the Evil Spam Grinch, as some of you knew as Fugite, will win. He was a prickly pear that Fugite ;-). Second and third place get titles as well, and hearty handfuls of chicken mcnuggets! And the rest of you will be executed. So here are your contestants, who have already been released in the Mall somewhere away from each other, so we don't get any Fighting Franks trying to fight before we get to see it...
(Kestler twitches, and begins shouting out random names.)
Rob Kestler - I am now going to try to be the best dangest IWO Mall Brawl announcer since Busta Hymen! In order to do that, I will have to top his bad grammar and propaganda skills, which won't be easy.
(The fans don't care, because most of them are dead already. Kestler breathes some deep breaths in and out.)
Rob Kestler - Okay Kestler. Just remember the words Busta Hymen gave you on your wedding night....
(We fade to Kestlers memory, where we see Busta Hymen standing there, next to a midget of Julia Styles Kestler is about to wed. Busta Hymen, for some reason, is wearing a huge Santa hat, and has pineapples for arms. Kestler doesn't quite remember things clearly.)
Busta Hymen - Yo foo, this is Busta, so listen up. If you eva, EVA have to announce Ma' Bra', picta da audience NEKID. It worked fo' Busta!
(Suddenly, we see "SCENE MISSING" flash up onto Kestlers memory, and then we fade to 50's pornography, which they somehow had sex sleeping in different beds. Scary. Then Kestler dazes back out of his memory...)
Rob Kestler - Crazy pineapply armed Busta! He is such a card. ALRIGHT, I'M DOING THIS, FOR BUSTA!! I'm going to announce this years Mall Brawl participants, in alphabetical order of the brand of panties they are wearing...
(Rob Kestler pauses to clear his throat of any throat clogging feminine liquids.)
Rob Kestler - This guy is the IWO's current World champion, he enjoys long walks in the middle of foggy nights and frivolous lawsuits. He's single, ladies ;-). Yes ladies, he is single, colon, dash, parentheses. He is KENT ANTHASON!!
(A picture of Kent Anthason's head cut out and pasted onto Elton Johns body is shown.)
Rob Kestler - Now there seems to be a big mess ladies and gentlemen, because ANOTHER guy wants his title! Can you believe that! My oh my :-*! This man likes janitors and likes eating Meow Mix when nobody is looking,
he is, JOEY MALONE!
(We see a picture of Joey Malone, which Joey Malone is replacing that one DYNOMITE guy in that one "Good Times" show.)
Rob Kestler - Yeah, then we have this mean mean Dijon, who doesn't put the seat down after he is done pooping and has macho chest hair, and such! He also killed Lassie and canceled the Ellen Degenerez Show! THAT BASTARD! I liked Lassie and the lesbian :-(. Here he is, complete with his adorable little sidekick midget Nuke, NUKE!
(We see a picture of Nuke with a mature looking pipe sticking out of his mouth, as he stands atop a pile of dead people that midget Nuke killed.)
Rob Kestler - Here is Mr. Television champion, he's cool too, if your missing brain cells. SCOTT STYLES!
(We see a picture of Scott Styles, with his tongue stuck to fly paper.)
Rob Kestler - Then we have this freak AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)... what a freak. I mean, to think, Midget-O-Matic?!? What the feck?! How unrealistic.... oh.... wait a minute.... I had the Midget-O-Matic... heh heh.... ANYWAY, AWS MAN, ALSO KNOWN AS BILL!!
(We see video footage of AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) beating Roger Ebert with an inflatable crocodile because he doesn't review porn films.)
Rob Kestler - An IWO legend indeed! When I think about him, I want to drink popcorn butter at the movie theatre and strip naked in front of hot teenage women! He likes shovels, and he hit's people with them, and I imagine it
smarts like the dickons! HE IS SYPHON FISSION EVERYONE!!
(We see a picture of Syphon Fission waiting for a random female to walk out of the handicapped bathroom stall, so he can beat her with his shovel and steal her handicapped capable mini-van, and do something cool like run over fire hydrants, or trade it in for a tank, so he could run over fire hydrants with that, or something.)
Rob Kestler - Who else do we have? Oh yeah! No introduction needed! HIGH FLYER!
(We see a picture of High Flyer selling snow, as God watches from across the street with a shotgun, and is all "SNOW IS MY BUSINESS, FUCKER" and plans on shooting off the shotgun into a organ of Flyers and throwing it into OJ Simpsons hands. Just like how he killed JFK.)
Rob Kestler - This guy makes me chuckle. Chuckle with satisfaction indeed! He likes pudding pops, and enjoys rainbows. He is partial to collect calling. He also says, if he wins the Miss America pageant, he wants world peace. Which won't happen unless he grows some things, and, uh, loses some things as well. HERE HE IS!! SIMON SEAMANNN!
(We see a picture of Simon Seaman, winking at the camera, as Mr. T beats somebody with a fish in the backround.)
Rob Kestler - Here's another guy I have no idea how to begin to describe. All I can say is he's a pillow fight times ten, no, TIMES TWENTY FIVE. This man enjoys the ending of such romantic movies like "Hannibal" and "Rambo" and a gorey combination of the two called "Rammibal", where Rambo kills the Vietnamese while Hannibal eats them, he is the Mysterious Birdman!
("The Mysterious Birdman" 0¿0's face is seen attached to John Travolta, on a 70's disco music poster, complete with tight, penis binding attire. Ew.)
Rob Kestler - Alright, let's play that game where I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. I'll start. "Thermonuclear Database Mechanism". YOU THOUGHT OF DONNIE DAZE, DIDN'T YOU?!?!? INCREDIBLE!!
(We see a picture of Donnie Daze with a gigantic orange stuck on his head.)
Rob Kestler - Here's a young blue chipper here in the IWO. Yep, his chips are so blue, that they are about to make Doritto chips that are artificially colored blue and call them Tom Lexian. And a bag of them will come with about 5,000 blue chippers, about the amount of times JR called Rocky Miavia a blue chipper, with a salty, crisp oven-baked taste!! But I'm not lying, he really IS a blue chipper!! If I'm lying, free child porn for everyone!! He is TOM LEXIAN!!
(We see a photo of Tom Lexian tooken of him earlier today, in his ducky jammy jams, getting the mail, as a bull dog named Foofoo bites him in the arse. Ouchies.)
Rob Kestler - And finally, a man that deserves a coupon for a gallon of Malt-O-Meal for his GREAT gimmick, BEN ARCHER!
(We see video footage Ben Archer, doing the macarena, when he thought the IWO cameras weren't watching. Heh heh, they ALWAYS watch you. ALWAYS.)
Rob Kestler - WHEW! I'm done now. Everyone, if your bored of watching those silly wrestlers, come on down to the Psychic Porn 'N Go! I've got incrimidating photo's of Jamies genetalia, for the low low price $6 a share! I call it our "Dradle Dradle Light Special"! Uh... OF NAKED IS ME!!
(Rob Kestler scampers off somewhere in the mall to annoy someone else. A siron is then heard, screeching throughout the mall, signaling the return of Mall Brawl, for the fifth time in IW history. Mall Brawl begins.)
GP - And so we begin Mall Brawl V. One of the most brutal, commercial matches the IWO has ever put together. And this time, the fans are allowed into the mall, to add an extra element of danger.
JT - Pfft, all IWO fans couldn't fight off my left ball sack. They are pithy little weener people.
(Suddenly, an angry fan throws a spork at the Kosoyburg, and it bounces off it's gentle fabric, almost popping it.)
Nikki - ... I suppose we're all probably going to die before the night is out with JT's attitude.
GP - Well, since my brain is mainly comprised of IBM computer parts that make me spontaneously shout out Jim Ross quips, I say bring it on! Nothing that modern science can't fix on me! My arm is basically like a C drive, and my left ass cheek is a D drive. I am the IWO's PC! *smiles like an idiot*
JT *under his breath* - And he wonders why he's still single.
GP - Asshole. I'm getting word over my headset that whispers sweet nothings to me that our cameras have caught up with a few of our competitors.
(We cut to Macy's, where we see Simon Seaman talking to his "friend", Donnie Daze. Notice the word "friend" in quotations.)
Simon Seaman - Soooo Donnie.
Donnie Daze - Sooooo Simon. How about them Twins?
Simon Seaman - Oh, yeah, great team.
Donnie Daze - Yeah. Ain't it always.
(They sit there twiddling their fingers for 5 minutes.)
Simon Seaman - Uh, excuse me a second. I gotta try on this shoe.
(Simon Seaman grabs a penny loafer and slams it over Donnie Dazes head
repeatedly. Donnie Daze falls to the ground, and pushes over a rack of
clothing onto Seaman, and tries to squirm away.)
GP - And here we go now! Donnie Daze makes a desperate attempt to get back
onto his feet, clothing all over. Simon charges Donnie, but Donnie throws a
mini-skirt over Simons head, blinding him! Seaman charges blindly, and
flies over the cash register!
JT - Donnie sneaks in a quick kick to the face of Simon! Simon rolls over
onto the floor!
Nikki - Donnie wraps his hands around Simon and begins choking the living
piss out of him, and ramming his head onto the concrete floor of Macy's!
GP - GOOD LORD!! SIMON GRABS THE HAND-HELD SCANNER AND SHOOTS THE PRICE
SCANNING BEAMS INTO DONNIES EYES! THAT CAN CAUSE BLINDNESS!! OR CANCER!! OR
Nikki - Seaman slams Dazes head into a glass jewelry display case! It
clashes with Donnies skull, shattering the glass into chard's all over the
department store floor!
GP - He's not done yet! He's putting Donnie Daze into a cart full of old
women braziers. He chucks the cart out of the store! AND ALL OF THOSE
SECURITY INK CLOTHING PROTECTORS GO OFF AT ONCE, SINCE HE LEFT THE STORE
WITHOUT BUYING THOSE VARIOUS BRAZIERS!! DONNIE DAZE IS COVERED IN INK!! AND
BRAZIERS!! INKY BRAZIERS!!
JT - Yeah, it looks like he mated with an octopus.
(Everyone looks at JT.)
JT - Because, well, uh, you know. Octopuses' shoot ink? Heh heh. Fuck you
Nikki - Donnie is trying frantically to scramble to his feet, with all the
ink all over him, making him extremely slimy and nasty.
GP - Simon grabs a huge bottle of cheap perfume from the cosmetics table!!
He walks over to Donnie with it!! BUT DONNIE TRIES TO GRAB IT AWAY!! A
FIGHT ENSUES OVER THE BOTTLE OF PERFUME!!
JT - What the hell?!?! Here comes High Flyer!! He's riding a wheelchair!!
GP - AND HE RAMS SIMON SEAMAN WITH IT! HE GRABS THE PERFUME AWAY FROM
DONNIE, AND SMASHES IT ONTO HIS HEAD!! DONNIE IS COVERED IN 99 PER THE
Nikki - That stuff is like motor oil. Once it get's into your skin it takes
forever to get off.
JT - Yeah. Kinda like how my semen never comes out of that dress that you
wear all the time to the pay per views.
JT - Yowsa.
GP - Well, there goes Flyer, riding off into the sunset with his wheelchair
he doesn't need on full speed. Leaving destruction in his wake. I'm getting
word that Syphon Fission has arrived at Camp Snoopy right now, and is
looking to take a chunk out of someone with that shovel!
(We cut to Camp Snoopy, where we see Syphon with his precious shovel. He
walks around, shaking his head in disappointment.)
Syphon Fission - An amusement park... in a fucking mall. How utterly
depressing that is. Especially since it stars characters from the most
overrated piece of shit comic ever to grace the newspaper. Peanuts? I don't
care what they say, it wasn't funny at all. Not one part of that little
cartoon ever made me chuckle, smile or giggle. Charlie Brown misses a
football kick, WOW, HE SUCKS, LET'S LAUGH AT THE BALD IDIOT!!! Stupid
(Suddenly, a kid begins tugging on Syphons shoulder.)
Syphon Fission - What the fuck do you want?!
A Kid - Nuttin. My daddy said you are Snoopy Fission.
Syphon - ... what?
A Kid - Yeah! And that you are kewl. Can I have your autograph?
Syphon Fission - This gives me an idea. Kid, here's your autograph.
(Syphon writes "Fuck you" on the kids forehead.)
A Kid - I can't wait to show daddy! He'll be so proud.
Syphon Fission - Whatever. Go away. You smell.
(The kid walks off, and we can hear severe slapping sounds and crying in
the distance. Syphon begins scratching his chin, thinking.)
Syphon Fission - Snoopy Fission, eh? Hmmmmm.
(We see one of those idiots walking around in a Snoopy suit handing out
Snoopy Suit Guy - BURRRR THE CHILDREN ARE EVER SO FOND OF ME. AND I AM FOND
OF THEIR LITTLE BODIES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. UHUHUH.
Syphon Fission - Hey, there is a fly on your nose, let me just try to swat
it off with my cast iron fly swatter.
Snoopy Suit Guy - Will it hurt?
Syphon Fission - ... yes.
(Syphon smacks the Snoopy Suit Guy with his shovel. He then takes off his
Snoopy head, and puts it on himself.)
Snoopy Fission - I christen thee... SNOOPY FISSION!
(Thunder flashes, lightning crashes. The children run up and surround
Snoopy Fission, with there legs crossed Indian style.)
Child - Tell us a story about how you and Lucy had a fight! T-hehehehe!
That is GOLD!
Snoopy Fission - ... you know, how about we play a game, kids. Who can fish
me the most shiny things out of the water *points to wishing well*. The kid
who get's the most shiny things gets a lifetime supply of ... um ... fun!
Child - But that's where people make wishes!
Snoopy Fission - Well wish upon my metal garden utensil!
(Snoopy Fission slams the kid in the head with the shovel, almost making
his skull cave in.)
GP - MY GOD!! SYPHON JUST TOOK OUT A CHILD WITH THAT SHOVEL!!! HOW FUCKING
SINISTER CAN YOU GET!!
JT - Well not much more before I start to masturbate with pleasure!
Nikki - Sick fuck.
Snoopy Fission - Anymore objections?
Children - :-(
Snoopy Fission *as he rubs his hands together evilly* - Excelllennnnt....
GP - Enough of this bullshit! Let's see where everybody's all at...
Kent Anthason - Victoria's Secret
0¿0 - Cereal Cafe
Joey Malone - Hell???
Ben Archer - Victoria's Secret
Simon Seaman - Laying Somewhere Near Mace's
Donnie Daze - Mensroom
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Riding up the escalators over and over and
over in enjoyment.
Scott Styles - Nobody cares.
Nuke - Killing people at random like a maniac.
Syphon Fission - Camp Snoopy
GP - Let's check out Victoria Secret...
***cut to victoria secret***
JT - Oh yeah! The catalog is coming to me! SHAKE IT MAMMA'S!!
Nikki - Do you have any self respect for yourself?
JT - I think it's pretty damn obvious that I DON'T.
GP - We see our champion, Kent Anthason, sniffing through panties
frantically. He's obviously on the scent for something.
(A man who works there approaches Kent, confused.)
Employee of Victories Secret - Um. Is there something that your looking
Kent Anthason - Have you seen a 6'1, 246 lbs. man trying on panties here?
Employee of Victorias Secret - No, certainly not.
Kent Anthason - ... are you sure?
Employee of Victorias Secret - We don't get many 6'1 muscular men in here
in need of "Crotchless Desire" pink panties.
Kent Anthason - Woah. That's a shocker. Business must be a bitch, eh?
Employee of Victorias Secret - No, because we do have a lot of FEMALE
customers that shop here as well.
Kent Anthason - How clique. Well I am looking for a man named Ben Archer. I
saw him come in here, now I need to find that little bastard. Hmmm. Where
oh where could my little Archer be? Oh where oh where could he beeee?
(Kent Anthason begins merrily skipping around the Victoria Secret, throwing
panties all over. He sees the dressing rooms.)
Kent Anthason - AHA!! THE DRESSING ROOMS!! So THAT'S where he's hiding!
(There are three dressing room doors. Kent knocks on the first one.)
Kent Anthason - C'MON, YOU PUSSY!! C'MON OUT AND FIGHT LIKE A FUCKING MAN!!
Women Inside Changing - Too bad I am NOT A MAN. Let me try on my girdle in
Kent Anthason *blushing* - Oh, heh heh, sorry 'bout that ma'am.
(Kent knocks on the second one.)
Kent Anthason - Hello Archer. Come on out, or I'll rip open the door and
come in after you!
Women Inside Dressing Room - Leave me alone! I'm trying to potty in here!
Wait a minute... this isn't a bathroom. Um, you might not want to come in
here for a while till the smell wears off, ladies.
Kent Anthason - Ew. Well, due to the process of elimination, this dressing
room MUST have Archer!! COME ON OUT, BASTARD!! I GOT YOU NOW!!
(Kent rips open the door. An elderly women is standing there, naked.)
GP - OH MY GOD!!! KENT JUST EXPOSED AN ELDERLY WOMEN ON IWO TV!! THIS IS
GROSS!! AND GRUESOME!! AND... WRINKLY!!
JT - NOT TO MENTION LAWSUIT PENDING!! UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH.....
Kent Anthason *as he looks at the elderly person with a blank look* - ...
Mother Anthason - GOD DANG IT BOY I WAS JUST PURCHASIN' THE SEX PANTIES FOR
YOUR FATHER, AND YOU HAD TO COME IN HERE AND MAKE MY BLADDER ALL UP IN A
RUCKUS. NOW I IMAGINE I'LL BE CRAPPIN' BRICKS FOR THE NEXT 40 DAYS, 40
Kent Anthason - Heh heh, your embarressing me mother.
Mother Anthason - HELL NO BOY I AIN'T NO EMBARRESSIN' YOU. THAT'S WHAT YOU
SAID WHEN I MADE YALL TAKE BATHS AT THE SAME TIME I TOOK IN THE CAR FOR A
CAR WASH WHEN YALL WERE YOUNGINS. THAT'S ALSO WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I TOOK YOU
TOO THE PROM. AND MADE YOU MY BRIDES MATE FOR MAH WEDDIN' TO PAPA FOR THE
SECOND TIME. EVER SINCE THAT LAST MARRIAGE, HIS PELVIS HAS BEEN A THRUSTIN'
2.3 TIMES FASTER!!
Kent Anthason - I'm going to blow chunks. You know that, don't you?
Mother Anthason - CHARLIE HORSE, CHARLIE HORSE!
(Mother Anthason begins to hop around on one foot, then hits a metal bar
clothes rack with her head and falls onto the ground out cold.)
Kent Anthason - Whew. Thank the lord.
(Suddenly, we see Ben Archer approach, with a mannequins arm in grasp.)
GP - Ben Archer sneaks up behind Kent Anthason!! AND HE CLOBBERS HIM WITH
THAT MANNEQUIN ARM! Apparently he was hiding behind Claudia Fishers breasts
the whole time!
JT - He takes a whole mannequin! HE SWINGS!! AND IT HIT'S ANTHASON!! PIECES
OF MANNEQUIN ALL OVER!!
Nikki - Our world champion is buried in the pieces of mannequins! It's Bud
Bundy's fantasy, come true for Kent Anthason!
GP - Ben Archer grabs a full-leanth mirror!! AND HE SMASHES ONTO KENT
ANTHASON!! PIECES OF MIRROR LAY SCATTERED ALL OVER!!! KENT IS BLEEDING
SEVERELY!! AND BEN STOMPS THE PIECES INTO HIS SKIN!! HOLY FUCK!!
JT - Alright, what the fuck?!
(We see Anthasons mother suddenly get up, lift up an entire RACK of coned
viking bra's, and throw it onto Ben Archer!)
JT - THAT IS NOT RIGHT!! NOT RIGHT AT ALL!!
Mother Anthason - Nobody messes with mah boy!!
GP - MOTHER ANTHASON LIFTS UP BEN ARCHER!! THE MALEDICTION (Inverted
Clenching Slam) TO BEN ARCHER!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Mother Anthason - I took ya to school brother!! I taught mah boy that back
in the 70's, when other mothers taught da disco!
Kent Anthason *whiping the shattered glass off his face, and slowly
regaining his balance* - Christ women, your not my real mother. My real mom
died 6 years ago. Or did she?
(The Twilight Zone Theme plays as they shift their eyes back and forth.)
Mother Anthason - Just pin the man, dawg.
Kent Anthason - Can't argue with that.
GP - Kent pins Archer!!
Eliminated - Ben Archer
GP - AND KENT CURES THAT WORLD TITLE CURSE!! He is the first World champ in
2 years to hold it past the first elimination!!
JT - Really?
GP - Yep! Al Coholic, The Mysterious One.
JT - No wonder. They blew cock.
GP - Wait a minute! HERE COMES HIGH FLYER WITH THAT STUPID WHEELCHAIR!!
HOLY SHIT, HE MUST BE GOING AT LEAST 40 MPH!! FLAMES ARE SHOOTING OUT OF
THE BACK!! AND HE'S HEADING ON A PATH OF DESTRUCTION TOWARDS THE GLASS
OUTER WALLS OF VICTORIA SECRET!!!
High Flyer - I'll teach you Kent for beating me earlier this month! I'M A
REBEL WITHOUT A CARE!! I'm going pretty fast! Um, TOO fast! Help! I should
have asked my grandfather how to work this thing before I stole it from
Nikki - HOLY SHIT!! HE RAMPS OVER A MALL BENCH!!! HE JUST DID AIR WITH THE
GOD DAMN WHEELCHAIR!!!
GP - AND HE SMASHES THROUGH THE VICTORIA SECRET WITH THE WHEELCHAIR,
KNOCKING KENT ANTHASON OUT COLD!! THIS IS INSANE!!
JT - I think that wheelchair is gas powered too, which is not a good thing,
SINCE THE FUCKING TANK JUST IGNITED!!
GP - AND IT IS CATCHING FIRE TO ALL OF THOSE EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE PANTIES
MADE OUT OF COTTON!! IT IS A WALL OF FLAMING PANTIES!!! Wow, I didn't think
I'd need to say that line ever again after I commentated for the Gay Pride
Nikki - KENT CRAWLS ON HIS BELLY, WITH SMOKE SMOGGING HIS LUNGS AND GLASS
SHATTERED ALL OVER HIS ABDOMINAL!! AND HE SOMEHOW CRAWLS OUT OF VICTORIA
SECRET!! But Flyer is out cold from the crash, surrounded in flames! If he
doesn't get some medical help soon, he's gonna die of, ironically, a
High Flyer *trapped under a large Daniela Pestova mannequin* - I always
dreamed it would end like this, only I was on top of you, and we wern't
surrounded by flaming womens undergarments. Now I need to find a way out of
this whicky picky mess... hmmmm... oh yeah, I have this "phone of cellular
abilities"! I'll call Lassie! SHE WILL SAVE ME.
(High Flyer dials Lassie Collect. We see Lassie, answer his phone, back at
Voice Over - Hello, this is a Collect call from *Flyers voice* SNOWBOY IN
DANGER. Will you accept the charges?
Lassie - I know it's you Timmy, don't pull that shit with me man. Why don't
you put a lid on that damn well and fuck off.
(Lassie hangs up.)
High Flyer - Now my cell phone is melting, and playing that annoying Uncle
Cracker MIDI when it rings! GRRRR!! I should have called paramedics, but
NOOOO, I had to call a fucking dog. OH YEAH! IDEA!! SNOW!! SNOW WILL SAVE
ME!! I HAVE THIS HAND-HELD SNOW MACHINE, WHICH WAS BOB SAGETS MAGIC REMOTE
CONTROL, ONLY CONVERTED INTO A WEATHER MACHINE!! IT'S DECEMBER IN
GP - It is snowing and extinguishing the flames at the Victoria's Secret!
Now the children can play in snow AND buy partially chard panties! It's a
(Suddenly, we see a calm Simon Seaman standing at High Flyers body, as he
rolls around in.)
Simon Seaman - This is for making me smell all feminine!! KICK!!
GP - HE HIT'S HIGH FLYER IN THE TEMPLE WITH HIS STEAL TOED BOOT!! Flyer
passes out, holding his cranium!! SEAMAN PINS!!
Eliminated - High Flyer
JT - Where the fuck is everyone right now?
GP - Well, I'm getting word that Joey Malone JUST ENTERS the Mall of
America, with the lovely Keri Lindum...
***cut to lobby of Mall of America***
(We see Joey Malone, wearing a Cardinals jersey, with the ever-so-beautiful
Keri Lindum, walking into the Mall of America doors. He's flipping through
a wad of hundred dollar bills with one hand and holding Keri's hand with
Joey Malone - Gee, it sure was nice that IWO gave us this FREE vacation to
Minnesota, right Keri? I've got connections baby, better stick with me.
(Joey nudges Keri's shouldier. Keri throws her hair back as they walk and
Keri Lindum - I'm just a little skeptical about this whole "free IWO trip"
Joey Malone - What's there to be worried about? We got a wad of cash,
thousands of products at our grasp, YOU just need to stop worrying so much.
We need this summer vacation baby. We really need it.
GP *voice only, of course* - But... but this is a match!! Not a vacation!!
JT *voice only, of course* - Shut your ugly face, the beautiful people are
Keri Lindum - Yeah, I gotta agree with you on that one.
Joey Malone - To think, all those suckers I work with are stuck in a
disease-infested gladiator arena while I am treated to air conditioning and
a beautiful woman! Life is great, Keri. Life is great.
Keri Lindum - We are blessed Joey.
Joey Malone - Yep. Someones watching over us Keri. What a wonderful day for
shopping. Not because I'm in a good mood, because I had a rather nasty Hot
Pocket on the way over here. But because it's raining outside, and if I
wasn't in this mall, I'd be outside laying my clothing on damp areas for
old women to cross the street, because I'm a face and faces do that. I
thought I had something to do today. Hmmm, nah. It was probably playing
Pretty Pretty Princess with Syphon. He's been bitter ever since *I* was
declared prettier then him last game. I had the crown and jewels and
everything! I was a pretty pony. :-*
Keri Lindum - Yeah, you are such a slut when it comes to that game.
Joey Malone - I know.
(We see the couple continue to talk as they walk off into the mall, and a
little shadow emerges from the darkness. GASP!! IT'S MIDGET NUKE!!)
midget Nuke - Someones watching over you... someone's watching over you
indeeeeeeeed!! We'll see who's blessed when I get KERI LINDUM into my
little midget trousers tonight!! T-KEKEKEKEEKJAJAJAJAJA!!!!
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!! Craugh, craush... I gotta stop smoking those weeds I
find in my backyard.
(midget Nuke starts building layouts to his master plan of destroying Joey
Malones testicles and having Keri all to himself. We see several plastic
bowls laying around, with little droplets of milk clinging to them. Plastic
spoons laying all over. Then we see 0¿0, eating a bowl of Honey Nut Crunch.
He burps loudly, as the man serving the cereal gets disturbed.)
0¿0 - KAW... YOU'D THINK AFTER 45 BOWLS OF THAT HONEY NUT CRUNCH, IT'D GET
OLD... BUT IT NEVER GETS OLD! KIND OF LIKE RE-RUNS OF THE FRESH PRINCE OF
BEL AIR! KAW! WHERE THOSE BLACK PEOPLE RUN AROUND AND.. UHM... DO STUFF!
AND I'M ALL "KEKEKEKEKE... I GET IT... THEY ARE BLACK!
HILARITY"! I'M NOT A RACIST MAN BOB... I JUST LIKE ME CEREAL! SO FILLER UP,
Guy Behind the Cereal Counter - For the LAST FUCKING TIME, my name is not
FUCKING CAPTAIN BOB. It is Larry! LARRY! MY NAME IS LARRY!
0¿0 - Kekekeke, Larry... I LIKE CAPTAIN BOB BETTER DAMN IT!! AND IF BIRDMAN
LIKES CAPTAIN BOB BETTER, THEN YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE AND SOCIAL SECURITY
CARD WILL READ CAPTAIN BOB, KAW DAMN IT!! NOW FILL ME SOME MORE HONEY NUT
Larry - I think you had enough, sir.
0¿0 - KAW!! I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I HAD ENOUGH, CAPTAIN BITCH!! KEKEKEKE!!
MOST ORIGINAL INSULT EVER!!
Larry - That's IT!! Get out of my Cereal Cafe... NOW!!
0¿0 - KEKEKEKE, IF THE POLICE COULDN'T GET ME TO LEAVE THIS MALL, THEN WHAT
CHANCE DO YOU HAVE!! STUPID CEREAL CAPTAIN!! KEKEKEKE!!
(Suddenly, Larry takes out a switchblade.)
Larry - I ain't a Minnesotan cop. I am a Italian gangster, bitch!
0¿0 - KAW, I KNEW CAPTAIN BOB WAS AN ITALIAN NAME!!
Larry - MY NAME IS NOT FUCKING CAPTAIN BOB!! GAHHHHH!!!!!! I mean, heh heh,
eat some more cereal. It's on the house.
0¿0 - KAW?! SWEET OATS!!
(0¿0 begins chugging the boxes one by one. Suddenly, a glazed over
statement falls over him.)
0¿0 - KARRRG.... I'VE HAD ENOUGH, MACHO MAN BOB!!
Larry - IT'S LARRRRY!! GRRRR!!!
GP - Larry swings at 0¿0!! HE SUCKER PUNCHES 0¿0!! Now 0¿0 may be the
biggest freak of nature ever to grace a ring, but he is 7'1 of pure muscle
in my opinion!! Now he is pooring cereal into the unwilling gullet of 0¿0!
Larry - EAT OATS, AND GROW MY LITTLE FIEND!!
0¿0 *oats overflowing from his mouth* - KAWWWWW... ON... YOOOOOOUU.....
NO... MO.... OAATTTS.
JT - LARRY PULLS OUT HIS SWITCHBLADE LIKE A COWARD!! AND HE SLICES OFF ONE
OF BIRDMANS WHISKER FEATHERS WITH A GENTLE SWIPE OF THE FUCKING BLADE!!
0¿0 - Kaw, THANK YOU!! I WAS GONNA SHAVE WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL ROOM
ANYWAY!! IS THAT A MACH 3 BLADE?!?
Larry - Let your skin determine that!! PIE YAAAAAA!!
(Larry lunges at 0¿0, but 0¿0 holds out a Lucky Charms spoon, and he rams
his head full force into it, knocking him unconscious. He then throws him
off the Third floor, and he lands onto an Italian Salad Bar that Joey
Malone and Keri Lindum are in line for, busting it into two, and spilling
food all over the place.)
Joey Malone *whispering to Keri* - Sure, these sneeze guards for the salad
bars block out the sneezes, but what about the falling human beings, Keri?
Hence why no salad bar is sanitary. Let's go eat at a Taco Johns or
Keri Lindum - Yay! Let's take full advantage of our wealth by eating
PROCESSED DOG MEAT!
Joey Malone - I happen to like there dog meat.
(They walk off. Suddenly, we see midget Nuke pop out of the poopoo platter
of some Chinese Buffet Restaurant.)
midget Nuke - Damn Keri has a nice ass!
(He goes back into the poopoo platter, then resurfaces through a garbage
can 30 feet away, jumps out and begins stalking Joey Malone and Keri Lindum
as they walk off...)
WHERE ARE THESE SONS OF BITCHES?
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - STILL on those escalators.
Nuke - In Mall Prison For Burning Stuff He Shouldn't Be
Tom Lexian - Mensroom
Donnie Daze - Mensroom
Syphon Fission - Camp Snoopy
Scott Styles - Nobody cared before, and nobody cares now.
GP - Yes fans, Nuke got arrested for accidentally burning down a store that
sold newsroom memorabilia. I mean, newsroom memorabilia! I'd burn that down
myself as well.
JT - Let's see how he's doing in mall jail...
(We see a mall jail cell, guarded by three extremely obese mall
rent-a-cops. They are all sleeping, leaving there television set on. Nuke
is seen in the jail, with his arms around his legs, rocking back and forth,
with a deranged psychopathic glint in his eye.)
Nuke *as he uses telepathic powers* - midget Nuke... come in midget Nuke!!
I need you to kill these police officers and rescue me!! I NEED TO FIGHT
DAMN IT!! YOU GET YOUR MIDGET ASS OVER HERE!! Now hurry up, I am using
Collect this time for my telepathic messages, and you know they don't save
you anymore then a buck or two, fuckhead!
midget Nuke *responding* - I am following ass. Repeat, following ass. Go to
Nuke - GRRRRR!!!
***cut to mensroom***
GP - MY GOD!! TOM LEXIAN JUST RIPPED THE DOOR OFF THE FUCKING BATHROOM
STALL, AND IS REPEATEDLY SLAMMING IT OVER DONNIE DAZES HEAD, WHO PASSED OUT
AND FELL FACE FIRST IN THE URINAL MINUTES AGO!! BLOOD ALL OVER!!
JT - Lexian refuses a pin! He puts his blood covered hands under the
automatic dryer, and walks off.
(Tom Lexian leaves the bathrooms, his hands soaked in dried blood.
Suddenly, he confronts Scott Styles.)
Scott Styles - Hey faggot. What you up too, looking for another man friend?
Tom Lexian - Hello. Loafer, meet Scott Styles testicles. Testicles, meet
GP - Tom kicks Scott in the testicles!! HE'S HOLDING THEM IN PAIN!! SOME
SORT OF MUSCLE WAS RUPTURED THERE!! AND NOW HE'S BACKING AWAY SLOWLY!! AND
FUCK!! HE JUST FELL BACKWARDS DOWN THE UPWARD ESCALATOR!! AND HE JUST KEEPS
FALLING, HITTING THOSE STAIRS!!!
Nikki - Tom Lexian is now walking back to the mensroom now, where we see
Donnie Daze using a towel hanger to hoist up his weight. His eyes are
bloodshot. He looks like he's tooken a little too much... he staggers for a
punch, but falls flat on his face. Tom Lexian puts a foot over his neck!
Nikki - TOM IS ENRAGED!! He lifts up Daze by the hair! And he slams his
head down onto the urinal flush lever! Water runs down the walls of the
urinal, and Dazes face falls first into a delicious urinal cake!! Mmmmmmmm!
JT - Tom puts his foot over Dazes neck as he cranks the lever for paper
towels to come out of the paper towel holder. This is it this time!
Eliminated - Donnie Daze
GP - HOLY SHIT!! THE TELEVISION TITLE JUST POPPED OUT OF THAT PAPER TOWEL
HOLDER!! TOM LEXIAN IS THE NEW TELEVISION CHAMPION!!
JT - Tom doesn't look all that pleased. He walks out of the bathroom, his
body more covered in Dazes' and his own blood then before, and walks back
to the bottom of the upwards escalator, where Styles FINALLY lands at the
bottom, at Lexians feet!
GP - Now Tom holds his title in Styles' face, mocking him.
Tom Lexian - Neener neener neener. =P
JT - Lexian walks off with the Television title over his shoulder, as
Styles face grows beat red with anger!
Scott Styles - THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN'T TAKE MY TITLE AWAY FROM ME!! I
BEAT SEVERAL ESTEEMED LEGENDS TO GET THAT!! I DEMAND RESPECT FROM YOU, DAMN
IT!!! I DEMAND RESPEC- MMMMPHHH!
GP - MY LORD!! Joey Malone just accidentally stepped on Scott Styles face,
without even recognizing he was even there!! He's looking at a map as we
speak, with Styles attached firmly to his shoe!
Joey Malone *looking at the map of the mall* - So Keri, where we gonna go
next on our well needed and well deserved vacatian?
Scott Styles - MMMPHH MMMMPH MMMMPH!!
Keri Lindum - What's that spooky ooky noise?
Joey Malone - Hmmmm. The gum stuck to my shoe must have started talking
again. Anyway, how about we go a music place?
(A refferee buts in quickly.)
GP - HERE COMES THE PIN!!
Eliminated - Scott Styles.
Keri Lindum - Yeah! Music kicks ass.
Joey Malone - Um, why were you counting by me, sir reff?
(The reff shrugs his shoulders, since Jamie only hires foreign reffs for
minimum wage, that only know the words "one, two and three" in english.)
Joey Malone - You can practice your counting but if you think I'm gonna get
into a match now, NO WAY. The last thing I would want to do now is hurt my
(Joey squeezes Keri's hand extra tight, as we scan down at the floor, where
we see Joey Malones shoe almost fully in Styles mouth, sufficating him
almost to unconciousness. Joey pulls it out, and begins walking away.)
Joey Malone - Damn shoe washes shaped as co-workers. TO THE MUSIC STORE!!
GP - Well there they go, off to the music store. Another man eliminated,
another step closer towards the world title for these men. But Styles
doesn't look like he's gonna leave this match without giving Malone a piece
of his mind!
Scott Styles - Now listen here!! NOBODY STICKS THERE FUCKING SHOE IN
STYLES' MOUTH!! YOU GOT THAT?!?!? NOOOOBODY!!!
(Scott Styles trips over his shoelaces, and begins getting pummeled with
the stairs of the upwards escalator again.)
Scott Styles *as he falls for eternity* - I hate my life.
GP - ... please don't ask me why I think the IWO has the best talent in
wrestling, when he's around, it would be very hard to support my cause.
JT - Hey. I just noticed a lacking of a very important imbecile in this
match. Where is that wily freak AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)?!
(We cut to an escalator, where AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) rides down one,
with his arms in the air, screaming. Like he's on a roller coaster.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) -
(They get to the bottom. AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) and Pen's hair are
standing on end, though Pen is a spatula and doesn't have hair, but let's
just pretend for this extra special occasion. THE POWER OF MAKE BELIEVE IS
UNLIMITED, OR SOMETHING. Don't laugh at me, I heard that on a PBS pledge
drive. Screw off.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Camp Snoopy is freakin' scaresville, ain't
it Pen? I saw that freakin' yellow stuff running down your leg, er, I mean
handle. Don't tell me YOU were not freakin' scared out of your freak!
Pen - ...
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Oh, see, there you go with the freakin'
bragfest. Good thing Blade didn't come, eh Pen? He'd be all "Mumma mia!
Freakin' your not doing this right and that right, and I'm a big
Complaining Crandle"! Stupid freakin' Italian pig. Now let's go on that
other ride, they call it the "elevator". Oooooh, ahhhhh!
GP - ... is anybody taking this match seriously anymore? I mean, c'mon!\
JT - Look! Syphon is organizing a team of young crime committin' hoolagins!
Snoopy Fission *pointing at AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) riding on the
escalator* - You see that bastard right there children?
Children - Bass turd! T-hehehehe!
Snoopy Fission - Fuck you! I hate the laughter of children! Anyway, just go
over there and hit him right in the penis.
Confused Child - What's a penis?
Snoopy Fission - It's kind of like a Soccer goal. You have to have it
protected at all times, otherwise, the womens just gonna KICK HER LEG
REALLY HARD, AND THAT FUCKING BALLS GONNA GO RIGHT INTO THE FUCKING NET OF
YOUR GOAL!! THEN YOUR FUCKING SCREWED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS
LITTLE BITCHY CHILD FOLLOWING YOU AROUND, ASKING FOR FUCKING FOOD!!
(The children begin getting scared.)
Snoopy Fission *regaining his sanity* - Sorry children. Sometimes I get a
little too into shitty sports metafores. Now who want's to be a shovel
Child - Me! I do! I do!
Snoopy Fission - Plastic shovels for all!
Children - Yay!
(Snoopy Fission hands out all the shovels he has.)
Snoopy Fission - Now go attack that guy over there... *points at AWS Man
(Also Known as Bill), once again*
Children - YAY!!
(They all begin running up the escalator at AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)
with there little plastic shovels.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Pen, there are too freakin' many of them!
Little bastards, waving those damn shovels! We will fight to the freakin'
(They all leap onto AWS Man (Also Known as Bill), slamming their shovels
onto every little crevace of his body.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) *as he whacks 4 of them off with one swing of
his mighty spatula, Pen* - FREAKIN' DIE! NO USE... THEY ARE TOO STRONG!
TIME FOR PLAN B... RAPE!! FREAKIN RAPIST CHILDREN!! RAPE!! RAPE!!
Snoopy Fission *as a tear falls from his plastic eye* - They are growing up
(Scene cuts to Joey Malone, along with his girlfriend and now fiancèe, Keri
Lindum, in a black tank top and khakis. They're looking for CDs at the Sam
Keri Lindum: Oh, where is it, where is it?
(Keri is looking through the Bob Dylan CDs.)
Joey Malone: I don't think that have it.
Keri Lindum: Oh man... that's unfortunate...
Joey Malone: Oh well, at least we have a Creedence CD. Let's check out.
Keri Lindum: Okay. :-)
(Suddenly, Tom Lexian gets thrown through the front window of the Sam
Goody's store, right at Joey and Keri's feet. Joey looks at Keri, while
Keri looks at Joey.)
Joey Malone: ...This is a very odd day to be shopping.
Keri Lindum: I agree.
(Tom Lexian looks up, covered with blood. He points at one of the CD
Tom Lexian: Hey, uh, could you hand me that Backstreet Boys album?
Joey Malone: No.
(Malone and Lindum leave.)
Tom Lexian: This sucks.
(Lexian picks himself off of the ground as we go to some other action.)
GP - AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) stands off against those children on the
escalator, while back at Mall jail... Nuke has asked for an interview.
***cut to Mall Jail***
(We see holes chewed out of the bars, the door busted open, a television
set shoved on one of the cops heads, and the other two cops hand-cuffed to
the penis. A note written in blood is spattered on the wall that reads
"MALONE'S A DEAD MAN".)
GP - Holy shit, they let that fucker lose! That is injust!! He's gonna do
something evilly psychotic to Malone, and Malone doesn't even know he's IN
THIS DAMN MATCH!!
(Suddenly, the scene cuts to the Ferris Wheel at Camp Snoopy, where we see
Kent Anthason and Simon Seaman battling it out on the Ferris Wheel.)
Simon Seaman - THAT WAS MY FUCKING WALRUS!! YOU STOLE MY WALRUS!!
Kent Anthason *as he sits on a walrus on the merry-go-round* - I'm World
champion, I can do it
if I want, so kiss my worldly ass.
Simon Seaman - You know what you are? A LAYMAN! Yeah, you heard me, A
Kent Anthason - NO REASON TO GET LOW, ASSHOLE!
GP - Kent nails Seaman across the jaw, and Seaman returns it with his own
right hook to the face!!
(Suddenly, we see a man lurking behind the controls of the Merry Go Round.
There is a lever, when pressed forward, it goes fast, when pulled back, it
goes slower. Right now, it's going about 4 MPH, the normal speed. Suddenly,
Tom Lexian bumps it, and it starts going 65 MPH spinning.)
Tom Lexian - Oops. I'll just run over here nowww...
GP - THAT FERRIS WHEEL IS GOING 65 MPH!! HOLY SHIT!! SEAMAN IS SUCKED OUT
FROM THE FERRIS WHEEL!! HE SMASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF "The Worlds
Fluffiest Pillows Store"!!! AND THERE GOES KENT, AND HE FLIES OFF THE WHEEL
AND SMASHES THROUGH THE STORE NEXT TO "The Worlds Fluffiest Pillow Store"
CALLED "The Store of Sharp Jagged Rocks and Pointy Things"!! OUCH!!
Simon Seaman *a little dazed with his head stuck completely through a
really soft and confortable pillow* - You got the bad store because you
stole my walrus =P
Kent Anthason *as his body is carefully bent around several spikes and
sharp rocks* - Fuck you.
(Scene cuts to Joey Malone and Keri Lindum, as they have now journied to
Macy's, more specifically, the women's clothing section, as Keri felt that
she needed some new clothes, while Joey checks and sees if she looks good
in them or not. Keri grabs a dress and goes to the dressing room.)
Keri Lindum: No peeking. :-)
(Keri closes the door behind her.)
Joey Malone: Right...
(Suddenly, from behind, Nuke grabs one of the steel metal objects that
hangs clothes and smacks Joey in the back of the head with it. Nuke jumps
on top of Joey and starts brawling.)
GP: HOLY PARK PLACE!
JT: Nuke is attacking Malone!
(Joey rolls over and gets on top of Nuke, pounding on him. Suddenly, Keri
Lindum opens the door and walks out wearing a white dress. Both Nuke and
Joey stop fighting and look at her.)
Keri Lindum: ...I take it that you're busy...
(Joey looks at Nuke. Nuke looks at Joey. Joey grabs a piece of the metal
that Nuke hit Joey with and smacks Nuke with it.)
Joey Malone: No, not really. Nice dress.
Keri Lindum: Thanks, sweetie. ^_^
(Keri takes another dress with her as she goes back into the dressing room.
As she does so, Nuke suddenly brings his foot up and lowblows Malone.
Doubling over in pain, Joey gets up off of Nuke just in time for Nuke to
catch him with a snap suplex. Nuke gets on top of Joey again.)
Joey Malone: This isn't exactly the proper way... grrk...
(Joey is being choked by Nuke, but he tries to finish his sentence anyway.)
Joey Malone: ...to treat.. grrk... a paying CUSTOMER!
(With that, Joey brings both feet up to Nuke's chest and shoves, pushing
Nuke off of Joey and over the metal hanger. Joey dives on top of Nuke and
pummels him, just as Keri opens the door of the dressing room, wearing a
pink tube top dress. Joey and Nuke both notice this and look in her
Nuke: Huminahuminahumina... I've GOT to get Diamond one of those...
(Joey gets up off of Nuke.)
Keri Lindum: Whatcha think?
Joey Malone: Looking good! Are you done?
Keri Lindum: Wait, I have one more I want to try...
(Joey groans, knowing that Nuke's going to attack him again while she's
Joey Malone: Make it quick.
Keri Lindum: Okay. :-)
(She grabs a third dress and walks into the dressing room. Joey turns and
eats a Fallout, an inverted stunner, from Nuke.)
GP: FALLOUT BY NUKE! JOEY MALONE IS DOWN!
Nuke: Yeah, bitch! Who's the one lying on the floor now?! Huh!? Huh!? WHO'S
THE MAN! YEAH! WOO! You're on the floor, kissing it, while I'm all up in
your area and taunting you! HAHAHAHA! Ooh! Super nintendo!
(Nuke inexplicably wanders off, while Joey Malone lays in a heap, admist
the wreckage of clothes and clothes hangers. Keri walks back out, wearing a
black dress. She notices that Joey is down and she kneels down next to
Keri Lindum: Joey, what happened?
(Joey dizzilly looks at his fiancèe, while blocking what just happened to
him out of his mind. He smiles his silly grin.)
Joey Malone: Nothing. I slipped and fell. *pause* Nice dress.
Keri Lindum: Thanks...
(She helps him up, and goes back to change again. This time, Nuke doesn't
come in, but Syphon Fission does, and he spears down Joey Malone.)
JT: *in Heyman voice* GORE! GORE! GORE!
(Syphon Fission cackles evilly and runs away. Keri Lindum walks out of the
dressing room again and is wearing what she wore prior to this. She sees
that Joey is down again.)
Joey Malone: ...This is the worst day to shop, ever.
GP - My god, look at what AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) did to Syphons loyal
army of children!!
(We see dead [or severely mangled] children laying about all over, as AWS
Man (Also Known as Bill) stands there above them with blood dripping from
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - GRRRRRR, I need to freakin' take some of
this frustration out. To the video game store, Pen!!
(They marrily skip off. Scene cuts back to Joey and Keri. Joey has
recovered from the ass kicking he received at Sears, and Joey and Keri have
journied to the toy store, Fun & Games. Keri stops Joey.)
Keri Lindum: Listen, Joey. I'm going to go find a teddy bear.
Joey Malone: Um, WHY?
Keri Lindum: My last one finally bit the dust, thanks to a rabid doberman
with herpes. :-(
Joey Malone: Aww...
(Keri disappears into the store. Joey turns around and looks at a console.)
Joey Malone: YES! SCORE! TETRIS, BABY!
(Joey grabs a controller and starts putting lines together. Suddenly, AWS
Man (also known as Bill) walks into Fun & Games.)
AWS Man (also known as Bill): Freakin'... where the freak can I find some
freakin' peace and quiet these days, anyfreakin'way?
(AWS Man (also known as Bill) turns and sees Joey playing Tetris. He walks
over and grabs another controller.)
AWS Man (also known as Bill): Muwahahafreakinhahahaha! You stand no
freakin' chance against MY freakin' Tetris prowess!
Joey Malone: Bring it on!
(They start playing.)
Joey Malone: Hah!
AWS Man (also known as Bill): Freak!
Joey Malone: Set!
AWS Man (also known as Bill): Freakin'!
(They finish. Joey Malone has won.)
Joey Malone: Yeah! Woohoo! I win!
(Joey Malone spazzes out like he's Kurt Angle, getting on his knees and
raising his arms in victory. Just when he's about to ask AWS Man (also
known as Bill) where HIS gold medals are, AWS Man (also known as Bill)
nails him with the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off, knocking him down.)
GP: KNOCK YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF(thrust kick)! MALONE IS DOWN! AGAIN!
AWS Man (also known as Bill): That's what you freakin' get for cheating! Be
freakin' lucky that Pen decided not to freakin' play!
(AWS Man (also known as Bill) wanders away. Joey Malone dizzilly gets back
on his feet and does the best insult he can about ten seconds after you get
hit by a thrust kick.)
Joey Malone: Ye... yeah, well, um.. uh... your mom!
(A gasp echoes throughout the Mall of America. AWS Man (also known as Bill)
comes back, Pen at hand.)
AWS Man (also known as Bill): What the freak did you say?
Joey Malone: Your mom.
AWS Man (also known as Bill): That's freakin' it!
(AWS Man (also known as Bill) lets Pen fly, but Joey ducks it, backs up,
and aims a Sureshot at AWS Man (also known as Bill). He ducks, but
unfortunately, he eats a hotshot into the railing, and drops Pen off the
AWS Man (also known as Bill):
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFREAKINOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEN!
PLEASE FREAKIN' SAY YOU'RE NOT DEAD!
(AWS Man (also known as Bill) runs off, crying, and going to go pick up
Joey Malone: Er, sorry Pen! I didn't mean it!
(Joey looks around awkwardly, and then heads back into Fun and Games.)
Keri Lindum: Found one! :-)
Joey Malone: Cool. ...I can't wait to get out of this mall...
Keri Lindum: Silly Joey.
(Joey groans, as the scene cuts back to the action.)
(Scene cut back to Joey and Keri, as they are holding hands and walking to
Jewelers. Keri starts to go in, but Joey pulls her back to him.)
Keri Lindum: What is it, Joey?
Joey Malone: I don't know, every time we get seperated, something beats the
crap out of
Keri Lindum: Oh, okay. Come inside with me, then.
(They walk in.)
Jeweler: Hi, what can I do for the two of you?
Keri Lindum: I'm looking for a necklace...
Jeweler: You've come to the right pla-
(The jeweler stops when he sees Joey Malone.)
Jeweler: Say, ain't you a friend of that Syphon Fission guy?
Joey Malone: Off and on, yes.
(The jeweler suddenly jumps up on the glass counter.)
Jeweler: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT BASTARD DID TO ME LAST YEAR!? HE DEATH
PLUNGED ME AND
THEN HE WAS ALL BLARHRGH! I HATE HIS GUTS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
Keri Lindum: Um, can't you at least service me?
Jeweler: Oh, fine.
(He goes to get some necklaces, but then, Syphon Fission walks in and
Malone to the floor, without Keri's notice. The jeweler looks up from the
Jeweler: How about thi-
(The jeweler stops when he sees Fission, and he nearly wets himself.)
Jeweler: ...oh, shit...
Snoopy Fission: Well, well, well... WE MEET AGAIN!
Jeweler: Umm... Snoopy? No, I know you... well howdy d-YOINK!
(He ducks back and comes up with a shovel.)
Jeweler: I'VE WAITED MONTHS TO DO THIS TO YOU, SYPHON FISSION! REVENGE IS
TO BE MINE!
(He rushes at Fission, but Fission holds his hand out and grabs him by his
he's running toward him, while the guy is taking comical swings at Fission
completely. Suddenly, he kicks the guy in the gut. Joey gets to his feet.
the Death Plunge on the jeweler.)
GP: DEATH PLUNGE(Pedigree)! DEATH PLUNGE TO THE JEWELER!
(Joey looks at Fission.)
Joey Malone: Was that really quite necessary?
Snoopy Fission: Yes.
(Fission starts to walk away, but then he picks up the shovel and takes a
Joey. Joey sees it coming and ducks, but Keri doesn't and takes it in her
drops the items she bought and grabs her right shoulder with her left hand.
at Fission a little odd, since the shot was actually a bit weak.)
Keri Lindum: Hey, ow! That hurt!
(Joey gets pissed. Nobody touches Keri. He speaks through clinched teeth.)
Joey Malone: Oh, now you've made me mad, Syphie.
GP: MALONE JUST GRABBED FISSION! ADD! ADD! ARIZONA DEATH DROP(Sky High to
(Joey grabs Fission by his hair and talks to him.)
Joey Malone: Right. Sorry to have to do that, old buddy, but I've got a
venture to finish and it's bad enough that people are kicking my ass every
time I go
(Fission probably can't even hear Joey.)
Joey Malone: Okay. Come on, Keri. Let's finish this and go home.
Keri Lindum: Okay. :-)
(They leave, and now we go to some other place.)
GP - AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) is a broken man, damn it! Look at him! He
is drawing a chalk line around where Pen fell, like the police officers do
when they find a body.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - YOU FREAKIN' MONSTERS!!! WHY!!! WHYYYY!!!
(Snoopy Fission is seen laughing his ass off.)
Snoopy Fission - BAHAHAHAHAHA!! THIS IS ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE TIME LIONESS
PISSED HIS BLANKET!! BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - I'll freakin show YOU what's funny!
GP - AWS MAN CHARGES SNOOPY FISSION!! AND HE BITES HIM IN THE FACE!! CHEAP
JT - Now he's pulling Snoopy's hair!!
Snoopy Fission - I just washed that hair, and I'll be DAMNED if you rip it
out! IT WAS THAT HERBAL SHIT.... IT GAVE ME THE TINGLY WINGLYS!
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - This ones for you, Pen!
GP - SLAP THAT FREAK AROUND! SLAP THAT FREAK AROUND TO SNOOPY FISSION! WILL
HE TAP OUT?! NO!! HE REFUSES TO TAP OUT ON THIS ONE!! AWS MAN LET'S GO THE
MANEUVER AND GOES FOR THE REGULAR PIN!!!
JT - DAMN IT! THIS WILL NEVER END!
GP - AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) stands on his feet, BUT TOM LEXIAN SMACKS
AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BILL FROM BEHIND WITH A SHOVEL!! AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN
AS BILL) LANDS ATOP SNOOPY FISSION!!
Eliminated - Syphon Fission
GP - Lexian is just leaving AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) lay there,
lifeless, and walks off to appear randomly in other fights.
(Scene cuts to UnderWater World, a resterant that holds over 600,000,000
gallons of water, enough to flood a 20 foot acre of land 6 feet high. We
see 0¿0, sitting in front of the tank, in awe of the fish.)
God *speaking through 0¿0's mind* - You know what you have to do, don't
0¿0 - KAW?
God - Well, recent productivity of humankind has been kind of slow, ever
since OJ Simpson got away with murder and George W. Bush became president.
Not to mention the Ravens are your Super Bowl champions. You must drown the
0¿0 *running his wings together maniacly* - KEKEKEKEKEKEKE. YES, YES I
God - Start with the Mall, then work your way up to bigger and better
things, like Tokyo, and Canada. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DROWN THE CANADIANS.
They've been nothing but problems.
0¿0 - KAW, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. WHO'S IDEA WAS THAT ANYWAY?
God - Lucifers. Don't worry, he's been fired ever since 50,000 B.C.
0¿0 - DAMN STRAIGHT, CANADIAN BASTARD.
God - Good little brainwashed Christian. Now drown them!! DROWN THEM ALL!!
0¿0 - KAW... HOW DO YOU PROPOSE I DO THIS?
God - There will be a package of "Christian love" waiting outside, aka 100
CC's of nytroglysorin. Capable of blowing up Wyoming. I have complete faith
in you, my son. NOW GO KILL SOME HUMAN ASS!!
0¿0 - KAW YES!!
(0¿0 runs outside to go get the "Christian love". He grabs it, but then
gets caught by an IWO refferee.)
IWO Refferee - Hey, you just left the mall, didn't you?!
0¿0 - NO!! YOU GOT ME ALL WRONG!! I WAS JUST GOING OUTSIDE TO GET SOME
EXPLOSIVE EQUIPMENT BLOW UP UNDERWATER WORLD TO FLOOD THE MALL OF AMERICA!!
IWO Refferee - ... you have no idea how many times I've heard that one. I
have no other choice but to disqualify you. *snickers to himself* Stupid
Eliminated - "The Mysterious Birdman" 0¿0
0¿0 - KAW, THANKS A LOT GOD, YOU JUST LOST ME THE WORLD TITLE!!!
God - Meh. Sure, we are allies in armeggedon plots, but Mary just LOVES
Kent Anthason. If I don't make a few people like you lose, it's gonna be
bitching for the rest of eternity. I SO wanna take her to Divorce Court.
0¿0 - THAT VIRGIN WHORE.
God - Tell me about it. Now don't you have something to do?
0¿0 - ;-)
(0¿0 begins walking into the Mall again, with his crate full of explosives.
He begins pumping it into hotdogs. Nytro hotdogs. Then he attaches them all
over his body, and walks into Underwater World.)
0¿0 - I AM A HUMAN BOMB!! ALL WHO TRY TO STOP MY EXPLOSIVE NATURE SHALL GO
DOWN WITH ME IN A RAGE OF INFERNO AND FEATHERS!! KEKEKEKE!!
(Everybody ignores him, because that's like the 6th human bomb threat he's
made thus far tonight.)
0¿0 - BUT THIS TIME I AM REAL!! I AM A REAL BOMB, KAW DAMN IT!! FINE... SEE
YOU ALL IN HELL, HUMAN FUCKERS!!
GP - NO!! NO!! NO!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM! A rush of
water quickly begins flooding the 2nd floor along with man eating sharks.)
GP - THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY!! THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!! BIRDMAN HAD TO HAVE
KILLED HIMSELF BY DOING THAT!! HE JUST EXPLODED THE FUCKING UNDERWATER
(We see Tom Lexian in the bathroom taking a piss. Suddenly, a huge wall of
water busts through the double doors of the bathroom.)
Tom Lexian - Holy shit. Obviously someone needs to piss a lot more then me.
(Suddenly, from the ceiling, we see a pannel fall off. An electric toaster
starts to lower by the electrical cord.)
Voice of Nuke - See you later, Mr. Lexian.
Tom Lexian - You son of a bitc-
(The toaster drops in, sparks are heard frying and we hear the screams of
Lexian, and then a 1,2,3.)
Eliminated - Tom Lexian.
GP - That sounded very, very painful. Whatever that was.
(We fade to Camp Snoopy - flooded. We see AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)
trying to go up the escalator to escape the flooding, but it shoots frying
sparks, so you can't really do that. But AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) is
really lazy, as we all know, and he'd rather get electricuted and have his
braincells fried then actually have to MANUALLY go up the stairs.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - AYEJYYIJIJIJIJJIJIJIJIJIJIJJIJIJIJIJJIJ!!
(AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) gets to the top of the escalator, his hair
fried, and his paintball mask even more fried to his skull then it was.)
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Woah, that was a bigger charge then walking
to the mailbox in the morning BY FREAKIN' 500.
A Mysterious Voice - Forgetting something, Mr. Bill?
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Hey, it is "AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)",
and every word is as important as the freakin' word that follows i-
(We see Pen, in Nukes grasp, as Nuke holds a lighter to the rubbery head of
Pen. Standing on top of the glass elevator. Nukes legs are bleeding
severely, since he got part of the explosion Birdman set off.)
Nuke - Here comes an important decision. Either humble yourself in front of
thou, or your friend FUCKING MELTS.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - NOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S VIETNAM ALL OVER AGAIN,
WHERE I LOOKED OVER, AND LT. DAN AND GUMBO WERE BEING MELTED BY VIETAMESE
HIPPIES!!! AND THEN I GOT SHOT IN THE ASS, AND I HAD SEX WITH JENNY!!!
Nuke - No, that is Forrest Gump.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Freakin' really? Oh. Greatest porno ever.
Nuke - It wasn't a por- nevermind. Either forfiet ... or he die!
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - God, maybe I shouldn't freakin' bring Pen to
these things anymore. I should bring Blade for now on, because he is about
as expendable as a freakin' kitchen utinsel that ISN'T a spatula.
Nuke - It's too bad, AWS Man (Also Known as Bill). Careers go in front of
friendships these days. Goodbye, dear Pen...
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - Pen is burn resistant. I just freakin'
Nuke - Fuck.
GP - Nuke throws down Pen and clicks the elevator button up! The elevator
is going up, and Nuke is escaping!
Nikki - AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BILL) GRABS ONTO THE BOTTOM OF THE
ELEVATOR!! HE PRY'S OPEN THOSE DOORS WITH PEN! AND HE'S IN THE ELEVATOR!!
GP - Now he just has to find a fucking way to get onto the roof of the
elevator, then he can pin the crippled Nuke...
Nuke *on top of that elevator* - GEGEEGEGEHAHAHAKEKAKA!!! YOU CAN'T FUCKING GET ME ASSHOLE!! I AM THE MOST PSYCHO IWO WRESTLER TO EVER GRACE THE RING!!! AWS MAN... YOU ARE POWERLESS!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! POWWWERRRLESSSSS!!!
JT - He's flipped a fucking nut!!
(Scene cuts to the west exit of the Mall of America. Satisfied with the
items that they have, Joey and Keri are heading to the exit. A man in a
striped shirt, a referee, notices this and grabs Joey by the shoulder.)
Joey Malone: Dude, what do you want? Are you some plummer dude for that
huge explosion that took place 10 minutes ago?
Referee: Mister Malone, where are you going? You can't leave.
(Joey walks to the referee and pats him on the head.)
Joey Malone: There there, little referee... Keri and I are going home with
our random materials and we might catch a movie and have some sex later.
(Joey turns to leave, but the referee runs out in front of him.)
Referee: ...You DO realize that you're in the MIDDLE of Mall Brawl and you
haven't been eliminated yet, don't you?
Joey Malone: Who cares? Let these guys beat each other up.
(Joey leaves and he and Keri enter the parking lot.)
Joey Malone: ...Now, where did we park our car?
Keri Lindum: It's got to be around here somewhere...
(They start wandering around. Eventually, they get lost.)
Joey Malone: Dammit, I can't find it. Oh well, I'm bored, good thing we
bought this portable TV set...
(Joey turns it on to Channel X. He sees Midget Nuke driving a car. A very
familiar car. His car. Midget Nuke honks the horn as he speeds through the mall.)
Midget Nuke: YEAH. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, I'M CRASHING THIS BABY!
(He's driving it right through the mall, crashing through benches, palm
trees, customers, and vendors. He crashes the car into the Orange Julius. Midget
Nuke meanders out.)
Midget Nuke: WOO, WHAT A RUSH. I THINK I KILLED THREE GUYS. A *NEW* MIDGET
(As Midget Nuke wanders away, Joey looks at the TV, then turns it off.)
Joey Malone: I knew I should've left the parking brake up.
(Keri had been watching, too.)
Keri Lindum: That's the second car that's been destroyed this month. Now
are you convinced that auto insurance is NOT gambling?
Joey Malone: Yeah, yeah... now I guess I'm stuck here... I might as well
(Joey takes off his Cardinals jersey and hands it to Keri.)
Joey Malone: I know this isn't a very face thing for me to say but *loading
a spear gun* I'm killing that fucking midget. Now remember, Keri. We're
parked under the Orange Julius. Okay?
(Joey marches off.)
Keri Lindum: Joey, wait!
(Joey doesn't listen, so Keri follows him. We go back to the action,
already in progress.)
GP - AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) repeatedly tries to ram that fire exit at
the top of the elevator open, but Nukes weight shuts it tight!
JT - Look at midget Nuke! He is clapping with glee!
(We see midget Nuke, clapping like he's some sort of cheerleader. Suddenly,
we see Joey Malone, with a scope on his spear gun, taking aim to midget
Joey Malone - I feel like the bastard that killed Old Yeller. Oh well. Die,
GP - JOEY TAKES AIM!!
Nikki - No!! Not little Nuke!! HE IS CUTEY LICIOUS!!
Rob Kestler - MIDGET NUKE, RUUUUUN!!
midget Nuke - AEEEEYYY!!
GP - AND MIDGET NUKE DIVES OUT OF THE WAY RIGHT IN TIME!! AND THAT SPEAR
HITS... um... where did it go?!
JT *high then normal voice* - I dunno. Holy shit! We are going down!!
GP *higher then normal voice* - Yeah right, I'm not a dumb ass. I won't
fall for that TWICE.
Nikki *really really high voice* - BUT THIS TIME WE REALLY ARE CRASHING!!
(Shows camera view of spear sticking out of the Kosoyburg.)'
GP - Well. You know what this means....
(Suddenly, Greg Parkers clothes rip off all at once completely.)
GP - IT'S VIRGIN TIME!!!
Nikki - AHHHHHH!!!!
Joey Malone - Damn it Kestler, why do you always have to ruin my big game
Rob Kestler - Sowwy Malonekins. :-(
(The blimp begins floating, down slower, and slower, and heading towards
Nuke - WAH HAH HAH HAH!! I AM INVISIBLE!!
(Suddenly, the Kosoyburg crashes into the elevator, sending Nuke rolling
off the top of the elevator, landing head first into the water, without
being able to swim, since his legs are injured badly.)
Nuke *as his head barely bobs above water* - H-h-h-help.
(AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) is trapped inside the elevator. The Kosoyburg
starts pressing full force into the elevator, and the cables begin to bend
down, and then snap. Suddenly, all the cables snap, and the elevator flies
off, and shatters into millions of glass pieces onto the ground. AWS Man
(Also Known as Bill) lands on top of Nuke in pinning position and Nuke
lands on top of AWS Man (Also Known as Bill).)
(Nuke begins celebrating his victory, but the referee is telling him that he's been eliminated as well. Then he goes fucking psycho, hit's the referee with a clothesline, and then nails the Fall Out. He them limps away slowly.
with it, and begins slowly limping away...)
Nuke - IT'S MINE DAMN IT.... MIIINNNEE!!!
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) - *sigh* Freaky McGillicuty. I saw the freakin Unified title for sale at the Porn 'N' Go. Better go down there before some other moron get's freakin' there.
(We fade into the minds of Greg Parker, JT, and Nikki for a short time, since they can't talk right now under all of the wreckage. Also, we have to get another announce team out sometime soon. Special thanks to Jimi Hendrix for helping us provide the link up. GO BUY HIS ALBUMS!)
GP's Thoughts:AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL THREE! DEAR GOD! NUKE AND AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) PINNED ONE ANOTHER! THEY WERE JUST BOTH ELIMINATED!
JT's Thoughts:You can stop yelling now Parker.
GP's Thoughts:Sowry. That means that Simon Seaman, wherever the hell he's gone, Kent Anthason, and Joey Malone are left! One man will walk out with the Extreme Championship, one will walk out with the North American title, and the final survivor walks out the World Heavyweight Champion! Dear God!
Nikki's Thoughts:Anthason is getting to his feet, and raising his hands in victory. He has to be worse for the wear right about now. Malone is in good position to take this. He hasn't been wrestling the entire God knows long amount that the rest of the wrestlers have been wrestling.
GP's Thoughts:Of course, Seaman has it the worse. He wrestled O'Connor in a grueling ladder match earlier tonight. Of course, he's probably somewhere taking a break right now.
JT's Thoughts:And Anthason turns his attention, and sees Joey Malone on the other side of the mall! A simply blown up Camp Snoopy is in their way of collision, and even though they're friends, I'm sure that friendship is tossed out the window for the remnants of this match!
GP's Thoughts:Malone's climbing the rail stopping people from doing, what I think he's exactly planning on doing!
JT's Thoughts:Anthason's climbing on his side! You don't think...
(Anthason and Malone both fly off on both sides, and in matrix style flying motion, they both land on Camp Snoopy's large Snoopy blow up doll. Not to meantion that the doll is sort of barely there, due to the flooded lower level.)
GP's Thoughts:Anthason and Malone! They are climbing on that not so stable Snoopy! They meet in the middle, and right hands are being exchanged! Back and forth they go, as Malone gets the advantage! Anthason begins to flair, and loses grip of the Snoopy rubber! He falls on his back, and desperately grabs ahold so he doesn't fall into the lake below!
JT's Thoughts:And Anthason is barely getting to his feet as Malone drops an elbow onto the recovering Anthason. Both men are just brawling, as Anthason takes Malone down onto his back, and rolls over.
GP's Thoughts:Some amatur wrestling attempts by Malone and Anthason, and that must be a bitch on top of Snoopy...
JT's Thoughts:In comparence to Nikki, who's usually under Snoopy...
JT's Thoughts:Well worth it.
(We then see a commenator team set up, as we see none other than ROB KESTLER! AND THE IM PROGRAM SMARTERCHILD! AND FORMER FIVE TIME WORLD CHAMPION PHELEN KELL!)
Phelen Kell:And here we are back at Heatstroke 2001. Mall Brawl, A huge match. Thoughts Rob? Smarterchild?
Smarterchild:No Way! Really?
Rob Kestler:Porn is good.
Smarterchild:Oh c'mon! That is sick!
Phelen Kell:Will you two be quiet! WAIT! Look in the rafters! IT'S SIMON SEAMAN! And he has the harpoon that was lodged in the ceiling! You don't think he's going to do what he plans to do!
SmarterChild: I dunno. I don't think so. You really want me to two be quiet wait look in the rafters its simon seaman and he has the harpoon that was lodged in the ceiling you dont think hes going to do what he plans to do?
Phelen Kell:That's going to get annoying rather quickly. AND SEAMAN RIPS THE HARPOON OUT OF THE WALL! He's aiming up, and THROWS IT AT THE SNOOPY!
(Rob Kestler puts on Jim Ross attire.)
Rob Kestler:OH MY GOD! IT'S A SLOBBERKNOCKER KING! IT'S A OLD WEST TEXAS RUMBLE!
Smarterchild:It's a slobberknocker king its a old west texas rumble, you say?
Phelen Kell:AND THE HARPOON RIPS THE BALLOON SNOOPY! ANTHASON AND MALONE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE!
Smarterchild:The harpoon rips the balloon snoopy anthason and malone have to get out of there also, huh?
Phelen Kell:I'm going to ignore you...
SmarterChild: OK then!
Phelen Kell:Malone and Anthason release their holds, and they JUMP TOWARDS THEIR BALCONIES! They don't want to fall into the river down below! Malone is holding on, as Anthason is slowly pulling himself up by the bars. Malone follows suit, as Seaman gets angered.
Rob Kestler:Man, for a smart child, you're pretty.... intoxilicious.
SmarterChild: Are all humans so fickle? You said you hated me!
Rob Kestler:I did no such thing!
SmarterChild: No such thing?
Rob Kestler:SLOBBERKNOCKER! SLOBBERKNOCKER!
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't get it... please try asking me a different way.
Phelen Kell:It wasn't a question you re-tart. And Anthason and Malone are slowly regaining their senses. Seaman is rather angry at what transpired, that Malone and Anthason were able to get to safety, but neither man can really attach one another! They're all seperated by the floors, as well as the gigantic, now deflated Snoopy!
SmarterChild: Wow. How 'bout that.
Rob Kestler:THE TENACITY OF THESE SIX COMBANTS! Uhmmm... LARIOT! SLOBBERKNOCKER!
SmarterChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:
help web search
>>> Type "more" for more services.
Phelen Kell:What the?... and Rob, they didn't do anything yet.
Rob Kestler:Oh, tell me when they do then. SLOBBERKNOCKER! PORN!
SmarterChild: Tell me when they do then slobberknocker porn?
Rob Kestler:That's what I said, Slobberknocker Porn.
SmarterChild: I gotcha.
Rob Kestler:You betta (Puts on Booker T Mask) sucka! He-he.
SmarterChild: Betta sucka he-he? Me?
Phelen Kell:Wait... Seaman is looking around, and he sees the elevator lights slowly coming on! Kent Anthason is riding the elevator to the top floor! He's going to do battle with Seaman on the top floor while Joey Malone does something Joey Maloneish!
SmarterChild: Is looking around and he sees the elevator lights slowly coming on kent anthason is riding the elevator to the top floor hes going to do battle with seaman on the top floor while joey malone does something joey maloneish? I'm not sure!
Phelen Kell:Okay, that was just odd.
SmarterChild: I'm sorry?
Phelen Kell:You! Why do you have to reply to everything I say!
SmarterChild: I have to reply to everything i say because I can!
Phelen Kell:You are SUCH a child.
SmarterChild: Am I?
Phelen Kell:STOP QUESTIONING ME! I'M PHELEN KELL THE LEGEND GOD DAMNIT! FIVE TIME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
SmarterChild: Stop questioning me im phelen kell the legend god damnit five time world heavyweight champion?
Phelen Kell:YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN A LEGEND?!?
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Phelen Kell:YOU DO DON'T YOU! YOU'RE GONNA DIE PUNK!
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
SmarterChild: Uh huh.
(All of a sudden, we see Phelen Kell grab Smarter Child, and nail Steel Rain. Then, he locks in Malicious Intent.)
Phelen Kell:REPLY NOW YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
SmarterChild: Yeah! OK! I get the picture.
Phelen Kell:Oh I don't think you do just yet! *Locks in the hold stronger*
SmarterChild: You don't?
Phelen Kell:No, YOU don't.
SmarterChild: I dont?
Phelen Kell:AH!!! DIE!
(Kell then wrenches it in even further. SmarterChild dies. The e-wrestling world cries.)
Rob Kestler:... Uhmmm.... SLOBBERKNOCKER FOLKS! A GOOD OL' FASHION SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Phelen Kell:Wait! Look! Kent Anthason has exited the elevator, and he's looking around for Seaman, but he can't find Simon anywhere! Simon seems to be playing hide and go seek with Anthason!
Rob Kestler:YAY! CAN I PLAY TOO?!?
Phelen Kell:What did I get myself into...
Rob Kestler:Maybe we can play Simon Says later too!!!
(Kell lowers his head, shaking it back and forth in shear torture. He should have really stayed retired.)
Phelen Kell:WAIT! SEAMAN IS ON TOP OF THE ELEVATOR! Kent turns around, and SEAMAN DIVES OFF WITH A CROSS BODY BLOCK, taking BOTH men down to the ground.
Rob Kestler:FLYING LARIOT! FLYING LARIOT TAKES ANTHASON DOWN!
Phelen Kell:*Sigh* Seaman gets to his feet rather quickly.
Seaman:Come on Kent! Get up! It's Candyland time!
Phelen Kell:What could Seaman be talking about? Seaman grabs Anthason, and he THROWS HIM IN THE MOVIE THEATOR! What in God's name is this about?
Rob Kestler:Look! It's Malone-kins! He's following Seaman and Anthason in!
(The scene cuts, as we see three men, outlined to be Seaman, Anthason, and Malone all sitting in the front row of a theater. It looks very Mystery Science Theaterish.)
Joey Malone:So, what's our viewing pleasure?
(All of a sudden, we see the words "Starship Troopers" pop up on the screen.)
Joey Malone, Kent Anthason, and Simon Seaman:AH!!!! NOT THIS!
Joey Malone:Why the hell did they bomb Buenos Aires.
Simon Seaman:Yeah! And why the hell would giant bugs even think of attacking us none the less! And why did we fly TO these planets! I mean, was it for fun?
Kent Anthason:And what's with this whole citizenship crap. You think they would explain WHY you would need to join the armed forces to gain it. Before, you just got it when you were born. This movie makes no sense.
Simon Seaman:Wanna fight some more?
Joey Malone:Anything but see that pointless shower scene.
(The camera cuts backoutside the theater, as we see Joey Malone, Kent Anthason, and Simon Seaman brawling.)
Phelen Kell:Here we go again!
Rob Kestler:SLOBBER KNOCKER!
Phelen Kell:How in God's name did you even win Mall Brawl?
Rob Kestler:I'm good at Slobberknockers. And executing Lariots. AND JOEY MALONE LARIOTS ANTHASON!
Phelen Kell:... that was an EYE POKE!
Rob Kestler:SEAMAN! LARIOT! DEAR GOD! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!
Phelen Kell:Seaman BODY SLAMS Joey Malone onto the hard concrete, as Anthason comes back up, and GRABS SEAMAN! HE TOSSES SEAMAN CLEAR OVER THE GUARDRAIL! DEAR GOD! DEAR GOD! SEAMAN IS IN A FREE FALL!!
Phelen Kell:SEAMAN HITS THE WATER WITH AUTHORITY! DEAR GOD! Seaman could be out of this match with that vicious...
Rob Kestler:LARIOT! DEAR GOD! WHAT A LARIOT BY KENT ANTHASON!
Phelen Kell:Can we replace him, please?
(Kell swats at Kestler, knocking off the cowboy hat.)
Rob Kestler:... Moo? (Pause) Where am I?
Phelen Kell:You're at Mall Brawl, Heatstroke 2001.
Rob Kestler:And my Porn store is being un-maned! This is a travesty of justice!
Phelen Kell:Anthason and Malone are now battling back and forth. Anthason goes for a clothesline, but Malone ducks, and hooks Anthason from behind in a waist lock. Anthason struggles to get free, but Malone takes him over in a german suplex, taking him down.
(The camera cuts to the bottom floor, as we can see Seaman struggling to stay afloat in the water. Then, the El Pollo Loco's ark slowly begins to make it's way over.)
Seaman:Oh Pollo Loco! You have to help me! I need to get back to the top floor!
El Pollo Loco:SURE! KAW! WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER! KAW!
El Pollo Loco:TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL! NO SINGLES IN MY CLUCKIN' ARK!
(The El Pollo Loco hits Seaman in the head with an ore, as he continues to paddle away. The camera cuts to the top floor, as we see Anthason slowly getting back to his feet, holding the back of his neck. Malone is nowhere to be seen.)
Anthason:Where the hell is he now...
Malone:Yeah, can I get one of them... and one of them, and that...
(Anthason walks over to the edge and leans over, looking down below. He sees Joey Malone at a small cart food stand, building a soft pretzel, a hot dog, and a soft drink. Anthason shakes his head, as he goes into the elevator to follow him.)
Rob Kestler:Food! How silly of me not to have gotten food last year! It's brilliant! It's derp worthy!
Phelen Kell:Malone seems to be not wanting to really face this matchup. The final three men here are all good friends outside of the ring, er, outside of this mall, but right now, they are squaring off for the biggest prize in the game, the IWO World Heavyweight Championship!
(Malone takes a seat at a plastic table, and begins by taking a bite out of his soft pretzel. Then, out from the elevator walks none other than Kent Anthason, as he slowly begins to sneak up on Malone from behind.)
Cart keeper:Excuse me! Sir!
Joey Malone:I must experience the Pretzel. No time for talking.
Cart Keeper:But! The guy...
Joey Malone:Please Vinnie...
Cart Keeper:My name isn't Vinnie...
Phelen Kell:And Anthason from behind with a shot to the back of the head! Anthason grabs Malone up out of the table, and knees him in the midsection. Anthason goes from a gut wrench, and THROWS Malone onto the hot dog and the plastic table, crumpling it to the ground. Anthason goes for a cover...
Rob Kestler:Malone got SOMETHING up. I'll leave it to the viewers imagination as to what.
Phelen Kell:*Sigh* And Anthason is getting angered at the official, as he grabs Malone up. Anthason tosses Malone into the food court, and onto a McDonalds stand!
McDonalds Employee:Oh boy! A new meat for our brand new hamburger! Hey! Louie! Get in here!
Phelen Kell:Malone rolls off as Anthason misses a double ax handle smash, which causes Anthason to back up and hold his forearms. Malone then catches Anthason with a SureShot!(thrust kick), sending Anthason realing towards the railing. One more SureShot sends Anthason up and over the top! Dear God!
(Malone goes to try to catch Anthason before he falls, but fails. Anthason falls, and lands on top of the El Pollo Loco's ark. However, with the weight and the velocity, it breaks through the shotty construction. Water begins to go on top of the boat, which means that the boat now has a puncture.)
El Pollo Loco:CLUCKING KAW! JUST MY CLUCKIN' LUCK!
(The El Pollo Loco slowly begins to flap his wings, and then flaps them uncontrollably. He begins to kaw in danger, as Anthason slowly pulls himself on top of the boat, and then dives into the water.)
Phelen Kell:And Anthason is in the water, and now Seaman comes up from behind Anthason, and DUNKS HIM!
Rob Kestler:HAHA! Anthason's hair is wet. Sucks to be him!
Phelen Kell:... he went under the water when he fell from the third floor Rob. His hair was already wet.
Rob Kestler:... Damn your logic!
Simon Seaman:Haha! You're even MORE wet now Kent! I'm SO going to win! Hey! Referee! I'm on top of Anthason! Someone count!
(All of a sudden, we see a racing boat come across the surface, and stop at Simon Seaman. It's actually a wheelchair, and on top of it is none other than High Flyer.)
High Flyer:Wow, that boat option really paid off. And to think Kate thought that it was pointless. I SHOWED HER! Oh, hey Simon.
Simon Seaman:Hey Flyer. Think you can pretend to be a referee.
High Flyer:Uhhh, sure. What should I do.
Simon Seaman:Eliminate Kent Anthason. He's been under the water for ten seconds.
High Flyer:Oh. Well, SIMON SEAMAN WINS WATER POLO!
Simon Seaman:YAY! GO ME!
(Seaman lets go of Kent Anthason, as he rises back up to the surface. Seaman thrusts his hands to the sky, as Anthason turns around and dunks Seaman now into the water. He then sees Flyer in the wheelchair above the surface, as Flyer waves to him. Anthason of course waves back, and keeps the fallen Seaman underwater.)
Kent Anthason:What are you doing here? Were you eliminated?
High Flyer:Yeah... That Seaman guy that's underwater all pinned me after saying I made him smell like a women.
Kent Anthason:You want me to kick him?
(Anthason kicks Seaman, who's still underwater. All of a sudden, we see a small round black inner tube come into the water. In it is none other than Joey Malone.)
Joey Malone:WOOH! Now THIS is a boating trip!
Phelen Kell:And Joey Malone is riding an inner tube around the bottom floor of the Mall! I guess that's the next best thing to a floatable wheelchair.
Rob Kestler:Wow! An inner tube! I should patent it!
Phelen Kell:It's probably already patented Rob...
Rob Kestler:As a sex toy! YES! I've got the next vibrator for men here!
Phelen Kell:That... that was totally uncalled for.
(Seaman suddenly emerges from the water, as Anthason seemingly grabs down below his body. Seaman may have caught Anthason low, which is what it seems like. Seaman slowly begins to swim over, seeing Malone in his inner tube, and reaches underneath, pushing Malone off. The tube flips upside down, as Seaman dives on top, trying to stay afloat.)
Phelen Kell:And now Seaman is trying to steal Malone's inner tube! And Malone will have none of it! Malone is hammering away at Seaman with right hands, as Seaman's back is still face up. Malone grabs Seaman by the neck, and brings him over in a suplex into the water! That hurts, the flat bodied back onto the water surface. What tension! Seaman's back must be blood red.
Rob Kestler:MALONE DIVES ON THE TUBE AGAIN! YAY!
Phelen Kell:What is Kent Anthason doing? He's climbing up on top of Flyer's wheelchair.
High Flyer:This is only designed to support my weight! What are you doing!
Phelen Kell:The chair is sinking, and Anthason leaps off, and CATCHES MALONE ON THE INNER TUBE WITH A SPLASH! THAT CAUSES MALONE AND ANTHASON TO FLAIL OFF THE TUBE, AND LAND IN THE WATER!
High Flyer:Oh great. Now I have to buy ANOTHER pair of pants.
Phelen Kell:I don't know exactly how someone's going to be pinned in this sort of enviorment. All three men are battling it out in the water, I'm just not sure how much effect their punches will have.
(Slowly, High Flyer begins to swim over to the area of the announce booth. He takes a seat next to Kestler.)
High Flyer:I hate people who destroy other's property.
Phelen Kell:Welcome Flyer! Joining the new found announce team huh?
High Flyer:Yeah, even though I feel out of place. You guys won this thing, I haven't.
Rob Kestler:Won what? Did I get my lifetime of Porn sweepstakes winnings yet?
Phelen Kell:Flyer's talking about Mall Brawl Rob.
Rob Kestler:Is there porn in the Mall?
High Flyer:Probably. I didn't see any, although Kent Anthason's mother was there earlier. She was a little bit... sickly.
Phelen Kell:And these three men are simply just battling it out now, pounding away, but it doesn't have much effect. None of them can really plant their feet, as well as throw much of a punch in the situation they're in. The water level just seems to be getting higher and higher...
(The camera cuts over, as we see an image of the wheelchair inside a store. The entire store seems to be flooded, however the wheelchair is being slowly caried over. All of a sudden, it strikes the glass, and breaks through, crashing the window, and letting the water slowly seep out.)
Phelen Kell:Dear God! This could be the opening that Anthason, Malone, and or Seaman need! As the water slowly leaves the building, this lets Anthason, Seaman, and Malone gain footing!
High Flyer:Of course, that's going to be a long time Kell. The mall is pretty big, and for the entire first floor to be flooded, that's alot of water.
Phelen Kell:Wait! Malone tosses Seaman into an elevator! The elevator is filling quickly up with water, but Malone then follows in as well! Anthason drops in, as the elevator slowly is taking us to a dry second floor!
High Flyer:But that doesn't mean these three won't stop battling inside the elevator! Seaman rams Malone's face into the windowed elevator, and now is holding it there to make sure Malone doesn't move!
Phelen Kell:But Anthason dives in with a splash, and sort of squishes both men inside that compact elevator! Seaman bounces off, as Malone shrugs over agains the door. Slowly, the elevator comes to a stop, as Malone lies in the way of the closing and opening of the doors.
Rob Kestler:Heh, the doors are going to try to close, but Malone won't let them!... Wait, that's not funny at all. WHERE'S THE HUMOR DAMNIT! WE NEED MORE HUMOR!
(All of a sudden, we see Denver Broncos kicker Jason Elam come into the picture. He has his helmet in his hands.)
Jason Elam:You know folks, I kicked a 63 yard field goal once, and I have an entire foot. I'm special.
(Jason Elam blows up. The IWO announce team continues as if nothing happened.)
Phelen Kell:And Seaman tosses out Anthason! Anthason lands back first on the hard marble floor, as Seaman gets to his feet. He sees a women walking around the mall, a bag in hand.
Simon Seaman:Can't you see that there's a big fight going on lady!?!
Lady:Uhhh, there is?
Simon Seaman:URGH! What are you here for! Are you here to see Mall Brawl?
Lady:What's Mall Brawl? I'm just here for the low low prices and the payless shoes... LOOK! ONLY FIVE DOLLARS!
(The lady shows Seaman her shows. Seaman then walks over and grabs the bag out of her hand.)
Simon Seaman:Just one moment.
Phelen Kell:Seaman just grabbed the bag from that airhead lady, and now he's just SLAMMING it down onto the fallen Kent Anthason. Time, after time, after time! Anthason has to have some sort of legit injury right about now!
(Seaman walks back over, and returns the bag.)
Seaman:There you go ma'am. What was in the bag.
Seaman:Sn... Snakes? You said snakes? WHAT TYPE OF WOMEN BUYS SNAKES AT A MALL!
(The lady drops the bag, and runs off. Seaman lets out a sigh, as he kicks the bag over the guardrail and to the floor below. Seaman peers over the edge to make sure it falls, as Anthason nails Seaman with a low blow, sending him down.)
Phelen Kell:And Anthason nails a low blow on Seaman, and drives him into the marble with a ddt! And now Anthason, he's climbing up another of those vendor carts, and he's doing, THE MACHO MAN POSE! AND HE DIVES! ELBOW DROP TO SEAMAN!
High Flyer:Anthason is getting up to celebrate, and OUT OF NOWHERE COMES JOEY MALONE WITH A TACKLE!
Phelen Kell:And now Malone is picking Anthason up off the marble, and he TOSSES HIM INTO THE GAP! Malone follows in, as they begin to continue their brawl.
High Flyer:Malone goes for a full nelson, but Anthason ducks behind, and grabs Malone in a waist lock. Anthason goes to take him over, but Malone pushes his weight forward, and takes Anthason over in a snap mare fashion. Anthason kicks down a rack, as a worker begins to make their way over! Oh God yes! Some interaction!
Worker:Hey! HEY! You two! Look what you did! That was our fall lineup!
Worker:You're going to pick that up right now and set it up all nice and neat. Or no short shorts for you.
Joey Malone:AH! Keri likes short shorts!
Worker:*Singing* WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS*End of Singing*
Rob Kestler: WE LIKE SHORT SHORTS!
Phelen Kell:No we don't.
High Flyer:AND SEAMAN CRACKS A MOP OVER THE HEAD OF THE GAP WORKER!
High Flyer:A mop?
(All of a sudden, we see Janitor Seven come into view.)
Janitor Seven:Can I have my mop back you meaniehead? I have to clean up YOUR mess.
(Seaman drops the mop as he returns to Malone and Anthason.)
Janitor Seven:We custodians don't get any respect.
High Flyer:OH MY GOD! BEHIND JANITOR SEVEN! TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND!
(Janitor Seven begins to mop up the floor of the Gap, as his mop comes in contact with a rather large individual. Janitor Seven turns around, obviously angered.)
Janitor Seven:Can you see I'm mopp...
(Janitor Seven's words trailed off into the sunset, as he looked up to see none other than Mr. T.)
Mr. T.:I pity da foo' who mess wit 1-800-Collect. Enough Jibba jabba!
Phelen Kell:Mr. T slams a right hand into Janitor Seven, sending him CLEAR across the Gap store! Janitor Seven rests back first on the counter, as we see the guy from the Gap store slowly get to his feet.
Gap Worker:OH MY GOD! IT'S MISTER T! I PITY DA FOO' WHO DON'T ANSWER MY LETTERS!
(The Gap Worker then rushes over to his desk, and turns up the horrible music that plays in most Gap stores. Immediatly, Anthason, Seaman, and Malone all tap out, but it doesn't count because they aren't actually in submission holds. Although the Gap Crap Music Tongue Twister is a rather deadly illegal manuver. Malone, Anthason, and Seaman all exit the room, as Mr. T holds his ears in pain.)
Mr. T:I'll be back foo'. Don't think ya jibba jabba stopped the A Team!
(Mr. T walks away, as he exits the store completely. Janitor Seven however, isn't so lucky, as he's considered knocked unconcious. The Gap worker looks down at the fallen Janitor, and notices the championship around his waist.)
Gap Worker:What the hell is this? Wow! It's so shiny and pretty!
Phelen Kell:This Gap Worker brings Janitor Seven to his feet, and takes him up onto the counter. He picks Janitor Seven up in a tilt-a-whirl, but keeps it going, as if Janitor's seven is in a T fashion, legs behind and face down on the ground. Then, the Gap Worker leaps off and let's Janitor Seven's body fall back as the Gap Worker eventually nails what looks to be a Jumping Tombstone piledriver. The Gap Worker looks down at the fallen Janitor Seven, as HE JUST NAILED THE LATEST CRAZE! SHORT SHORTS!
Rob Kestler:I knew you'd come around Phelen!
(Rob goes to hug Kell.)
Phelen Kell:Don't even think it Rob.
High Flyer:Wait! That's a referee? What the? Cover?!?
Meygon:Your winner, and New, Janitor Cleaning Federation North Dakotan Championship, The Gap Worker!
High Flyer:I can't believe it! A title change! Well, for the entire IWO, Rob Kestler, Phelen Kell, and everyone else out there, GOOD NIGHT FROM HEATSTROKE!
(Slowly the scene fades out as we can see the Gap Worker holding up the North Dakotan Championship.)
(The camera cuts back on, as we remember that we still have Mall Brawl going on.)
Phelen Kell:MALL BRAWL ISN'T OVER YET YOU IDIOTS! Damn, the production crew has really gone to hell...
(The camera switches to Evan Levine, who's sitting in a truck clouded with smoke. His eyes are easily bloodshot, as he just seems to be looking around in a dazeful look. He's just sitting there motionless. Quick cut back to a wide view of the mall.)
Phelen Kell:Now, where have Malone, Seaman, and Anthason gone?
(Cut to Spencer Gifts, as we can see none other than AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) inside, looking at some of those pornography playing cards.)
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill):Yeah Pen, it's been a good couple of freakin' minutes since we last looked at some freakin' porn...
AWS Man(Also known as Bill):You freakin' said it Pen.
Spencer Store Clerk:HEY! Buy something or get out!
AWS Man(Also Known as Bill):I can freakin' see we're not welcome here Pen. Let's go to Kestler's freakin' Porn N Go.
(AWS Man(Also Known as Bill) and Pen leave Spencers as the camera adjusts to see none other than Malone and Anthason battling it out the Pro Wrestling Cart. Anthason takes down Malone with a sit down slam, and then gets up to his feet. Anthason then rips down a shirt from the cart, and reveals it to the camera revealing none other then fWo's Monte Burns.)
Anthason:Eh, it'll have to do.
(Anthason then drops down and begins to strangle Malone with it, trying to cut the wind off to his brain, and hopefully taking Malone out of the match.)
Phelen Kell:And Anthason is trying to knock Malone out of this thing! This could be the fateful blow!
High Flyer:Wait! Simon Seaman from left field! He just nailed Anthason in the back of the head with a Wominternopean Jobberweight replica belt from the fWo! Are we allowed to say that?
Phelen Kell:Not like anyone will notice. But the belt had no effect on Anthason, since, of course, it's plastic. Anthason gets to his feet as Seaman tosses the belt down. Seaman goes for a hip toss, but Anthason blocks it, and hip tosses Seaman instead. Seaman gets to his feet as quickly as a man who's been through hell tonight can, as Anthason catches Seaman out of left field with HYMN OF THE FALLEN!(Snap Suplex turned neckbreaker) Seaman is down, and he's probably out of this one!
High Flyer:NO! Malone made the save for some reason or another! I'm not sure why, but Malone throws Anthason back first into the pro wrestling stand, toppeling it over and down to the ground. Anthason lies on top, as Joey Malone follows him. Malone picks up Anthason, as he NAILS HIM WITH EVERAST CATACLYSM ON TOP OF THE CART! Anthason is down, but Seaman is climbing up to the cart! Seaman is up, and throws Malone off, and LEAPS! NAILING MALONE WITH THE SILENCER OUT OF DESPERATION!
Phelen Kell:Neither man is going to be moving very quickly... Wait, where the hell did Kestler go?
(The camera switches to the announce booth, as we see Rob Kestler has left.)
High Flyer:I didn't even see him leave!
Phelen Kell:Oh boy, that can't be good. And neither can this, if all three men are counted down, what does that mean for the match?
High Flyer:What does this mean for Rob Kestler! Where the hell is he going?
(The camera cuts to the bottom ground floor, as we see that most of the water has left. We see the El Pollo Loco sitting in the wreckage of his ship.)
El Pollo Loco:KAW! ALL MY CLUCKIN' PLANS! RUINED! KAW KAW!
(All of a sudden, we see a plastic bag at the end of the ship slowly begin to move. The El Pollo Loco become intrigued, and watches, as out from it, comes snakes. The same bag that Seaman used earlier in the match.)
El Pollo Loco:KAW! KAW! TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL, EXCEPT THE CLUCKIN' SNAKE! KAW! GET IT AWAY! KAW! KAW!
(The El Pollo Loco jumps off the remnents of his ship and tries to fly away, but it does work. Instead, he begins to frantically run away on the ground floor.)
High Flyer:Doesn't seem well for the Loco with those snakes.
Phelen Kell:They're just garden snacks, right?
High Flyer:Believe so.
Phelen Kell:Wait! Seaman is crawling over to a fallen Joey Malone! He draps an arm over top!
High Flyer:Malone got a shoulder up! It took a long time for Seaman to capitalize on the cover! Imagine Simon Seaman eliminated Joey Malone, and fighting the Current World Champion for the belt!
Phelen Kell:It would be a huge situation for Seaman, especially if he could capitalize on it, but Malone doesn't want to stay down as of now. All three men have to be beaten a sore beyond all believe, as Seaman is slowly getting to his feet. Malone follows him, as Seaman lays it in with a right hand to Malone, sending him reeling. Seaman goes for another, but Malone blocks it, and brings him in, and BEGINS WITH THE STRAIGHT JACKET SUPLEXES! MAD COW DISEASE HAS HIT SIMON SEAMAN!
High Flyer:After four suplexes, Malone releases Seaman for a fifth which sends Seaman crumpled on the marble floor.
Phelen Kell:Wait! Anthason is getting up on top of the cart, and he LEAPS AT THE FALLEN SEAMAN! DEAR GOD! ANTHASON JUST NAILED SIMON SEAMAN WITH BAD MOON RISING! MALONE'S DIVING HEADBUTT! I think he was sending a message to Malone there!
High Flyer:And Anthason on top for a cover!
Phelen Kell:Dear god! Seaman got a shoulder up! I can't believe it! I seriously can't believe it! And now Malone is going right after Anthason! Malone grabs Anthason from behind, and drops him in a huge inverted DDT! Malone on top!
High Flyer:Anthason won't go down for such a simple inverted DDT, and now Malone is angered a bit that Anthason used his own move on Seaman. Malone hammers Anthason in the back of the head with forearm shots, and TOSSES ANTHASON THROUGH A STORE WINDOW NEARBY! Journey's is the store for some odd reason!
Phelen Kell:And Seaman is back to his feet groggily. He turns Malone around, and he's going for some sort of cradle piledriver, and NAILS Malone square in the center of the marble floor. But however, before Seaman can do anything, Anthason grabs Seaman from behind, and picks him up... SWEET SERENITY!!! HE JUST LAID SIMON SEAMAN OUT COLD! ANTHASON ON TOP!
Phelen Kell:DOWN TO THE FINAL TWO! ANTHASON AND MALONE! JUST LIKE LAST MONTH, THESE TWO ARE BATTLING IT OUT FOR THE RICHEST PRIZE IN THE GAME!
High Flyer:But where the hell is Rob Kestler?!?
Phelen Kell:IT'S MALONE AND ANTHASON! WHO CARES!
High Flyer:And Malone and Anthason are getting to one another, as Anthason grabs a recovering Malone, and TOSSES HIM INTO THE ELEVATOR!
(The elevator goes up, all the way... all the way to the roof.)
Phelen Kell:What the? Joey Malone and Kent Anthason are battling it out on the roof of the Mall of American! Dear God! Never since..
High Flyer:Last YEAR...
Phelen Kell:Yes, last year, have two men risked their lives for heavyweight gold! Although I doubt Kestler knew what he was doing.
High Flyer:Malone and Anthason are hammering each other, as Malone gets hammered backwards. Anthason comes up, as Malone back body drops him backwards! OH GOD! Anthason came deafly close to the edge! Malone gets up as well, as Malone CATCHES ANTHASON WITH THE SURESHOT! ANTHASON BACKS UP, and HE'S GONNA FALL! HE'S GONNA FALL OFF THE ROOF! DEAR GOD! THAT'S GOT TO BE DEATH!
Phelen Kell:NO! MALONE REACHES OUT! HE GRABS ANTHASON'S HAND! HE'S TRYING TO PULL HIM BACK UP, BUT THE WEIGHT BRINGS BOTH MEN OVER!!!! DEAR GOD!
(Anthason tumbles downward off the roof, and lands inside what looks to be a conviently place dumpster. Malone however, is not so lucky, as he lands on a small slanted roor which takes him rolling halfway down. The roof end, as Malone lands back first on top of a limo.)
Phelen Kell:DEAR GOD! THESE MEN! THEY HAVE TO BE DONE! THAT LIMO'S WINDSHIELD IS CRACKED BEYOND REPAIR! ANTHASON IS DAMN NEAR DEAR INSIDE THE DUMPSTER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
High Flyer:I think.. I THINK THAT'S KOSOY'S CAR! And Rob Kestler looks on from the roof! Dear God! I don't even think he can believe what just happened!
Phelen Kell:And Joey Malone... is ACTUALLY MOVING! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!
(All of a sudden, out from behind a dumpster walks the the Mysterious Birdman, nailing Joey Malone upside the head. Malone falls down back onto the hood of Kosoy's limo, bleeding from the forehead profusely. The Birdman leaves the scene of the "crime.")
Phelen Kell: AH! THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN! I THOUGHT HE PERISHED EARLIER TONIGHT?!?
High Flyer:I'm not sure, but I think he, if he is the Birdman, just cost Joey Malone a shot at the World Championship! That shot was the nail on the coffin!
Phelen Kell:Uhhh... I don't... I don't know what to say! I don't think either man can continue! Does that mean... the match is over!?!?
Meygon:Due to the remaining combatants UNABLE to continue, Mall Brawl, is a NO CONTEST!(Gasp) However, still IWO World Heavyweight Champion, Kent, Anthason!
Phelen Kell:What does that mean with titles?
High Flyer:I think that means that Kent Anthason and Joey Malone will have to have another battle to determine World champion, and the other championships fall in place. That means, that Seaman wins the North American, Nuke is the Extreme Champion... but I can't believe what just occured. Championships mean just about nothing right now as Malone and Anthason could never walk again! And the Mysterious Birdman ROSE from the damn grave!
Phelen Kell:I guess... that's it for Mall Brawl... and Heatstroke 2001....
(The camera cuts away from the parking lot scene, as we fade back into the Mall. We see High Flyer and Phelen Kell standing there at their custom commentary booth, as all of a sudden, the lights go out. Suddenly, and eerie somber song can be heard, as the lights begin to flicker on and off.)
Phelen Kell:I'm not being paid for this!
(Kell seemingly leaves, as the lights continue to flicker. We then see the shadow of a man, as the lights slowly come back. An image of a man that looks purely disgusting is shown. Dressed in what looks to be pale, torn skin, along with what looks to be a human face torn and scared. On the left side, we see a bullet hole. On the right, we see stiches covering his eye and cheek. Blood runs down his entire head and face, as he looks down at a fallen Flyer, who is crumpled down on the marble floor. This man simply chooses to instead gloat, but leave in a quiet awe.)
(Cut back outside, as we see medical technitions helping both Joey Malone and Kent Anthason up from their current position. The camera fades as we see the World Championship, the Mall of America, destroying what could be two men's careers. We see their free fall from another position, as we slowly fade out to the credits.)
© 2001 Internet Wrestling Organization
North American:Simon Seaman
World Tag:Jack Daniels Connection
Unified:AWS Man(Also Known as Bill)