December 7th, 2001
Suddenly, the camera cuts over to the entranceway, where a teenager comes through the curtain holding a guitar and a mic stand. He looks very excited to be out there, but the fans give him little response. The kid moves to the right of the entranceway on the ramp and places his stuff down on the ramp, and waits.
GP: What in the world is this?
Now another kid carrying a bass guitar and a mic stand comes through the curtain and sets up next to the first kid.
JT: If this is what I think it is - a mockery - I'm not going to stand for it!
GP: I wonder who's behind all of this? I mean, we've got a show to do, we can't just halt everything to let these kids come out here for no reason!
Finally, another kid - a pretty fat one - walks through the curtain carrying an entire drum set in his hands. He makes it almost to where the rest of his friends are, but trips on part of the ramp and takes a dive. The drum set flies into the air and crashes down to the ground, smashing to bits.
JT: Ha! The fat kid fell! That was great! Who IS behind this?!
The fans start cheering as Benny the Cameraman steps through the curtain and onto the entranceway stage. He stops to look at the kid who is sprawled out on the ramp, then looks at the smashed drum set. He mouths something to the kid, shakes his head, and gives the kid... a cow bell. The fat kid looks confused, and still in a lot of pain.
JT: Cow bell?
Benny the Cameraman plugs the guitar, bass, and microphones into an outlet connected to the arena's PA system, and the kids get into position. Benny grabs the microphone.
Benny the Cameraman: We're sorry to disappoint everybody, but there will NOT be a Simon Seaman promo.
Big applause from the crowd.
Benny the Cameraman: Instead... I present to you, a GOOD promo! Joey Rappoport style! Ladies and gentlemen, accompanying Joey Rappoport to the ring via song - Jimmie's Pop'n Fresh!!!
GP: Jimmie's Pop'n Fresh?
JT: These kids look like they're 15!
The fans start cheering loudly as they see Joey Rappoport's IWO-tron video being played on the big screen. Suddenly, the band fires up a very bad rendition of Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy". The fans cheer anyway though, because Joey Rappoport steps through the curtain and starts making his walk to the ring. Benny the Cameraman won't stop making the "rock and roll" hand symbol to the crowd.
Lead Singer: Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn't mean to call you tha-
Joey Rappoport halts midway his walk down to the ring as the cowbell ex-drummer makes his appearance into the song. However, the cow bell kid is getting really, really into it, and he takes the lead singer's microphone and starts screaming into it.
Cow Bell Kid: JOEY RULES!!! YEAHHH!!! ROCK AND ROLL BABY!!! JOEY!!!!!!
The cow bell kid grabs the drumsticks from off the stage, and throws them to the unsuspecting fans, hitting two of them in the head. Joey Rappoport grins as he climbs into the ring and signals for the band to stop playing. Joey takes the microphone.
Joey Rappoport: Ladies and gentlemen... Jimmie's Pop'n Fresh!
Polite applause from the crowd.
GP: Well, ah, that was interesting.
JT: Kinda gay if you ask me.
Joey Rappoport: Everybody, I just want you to know that these guys are available - with or without cow bell - to work your kid's birthday parties. Anyways, let me get started.
Joey Rappoport clears his throat.
Joey Rappoport: Alright Benny, get those kids backstage and tell them to annoy Simon Seaman.
Benny the Cameraman: You got it!
Benny the Cameraman and a couple of IWO security guards help usher the kids and the equipment back into the backstage area.
Joey Rappoport: I don't care what anybody thinks... a grass roots garage band is much more entertaining than an orchestra. Listen... the reason I came out here tonight, in all honesty, is to get a point across. And it's more of a message... to you fans. And don't worry, as soon as I'm done my business here right now, I promise all of you I will find some kind of pie and throw it in the vicinity of Benny.
Joey Rappoport: I am NOT like the guys in the back. Just like that band that opened up for me just a minute ago, I am about as genuine and real a guy as you will get. I am not rich, I am not a pain in the ass. What you see is what you get. I am just like...
Joey Rappoport points to the crowd.
Joey Rappoport: I am just like each and every one of you. And unlike so many people here, I have a "game face". I don't know if you fans have caught my latest promos, but I pride myself on being pretty above average in the comedy department. But I put all of the funny stuff aside when it comes time to wrestle in this ring. Like my past opponents have found out, I am about as funny as a kick to the face when that bell rings.
The crowd responds by cheering loudly.
Joey Rappoport: And you know what else? I'm not who you remember me to be. Especially you newer fans who just recently started following the IWO. Here, let's roll the footage... fans, this was my last match in the IWO. See if you remember this one.
The IWO-tron starts playing vintage footage from 1999's pay-per-view, Heatstroke.
GP: Chris again picks up Joey for a Space Bomb but instead nails a jumping DVD!!! Joey is out cold on the mat!! Chris covers, but there is no ref!! The ref is in La La Land.
Roxx: By the time another ref gets here Joey will have won the match!
JT: For sure
GP: Wait, from the back!! Another ref runs into the ring!! 1... ... ..2... ... 3NO!!!! JOEY KICKED OUT!!!! He kicked out!!
JT: Of course
GP: Chris brings Joey to his feet, he whips him to the ropes for a clothesline, but Joey ducks and goes for a dropkick, but Chris dodges him. Chris quickly runs on top of Joey, he is again locking him in the Space Crab!!! He has it locked in, he is in the center of the ring!!! Joey is crying out for help!!
Roxx: He will easily get out
JT: Of course
GP: Joey is in emmense pain. OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!! JOEY TAPPED, JOEY TAPPED!!! WYNDORF HAS DONE, WYNDORF HAS DONE IT!!!
Roxx: NO WAY!!
GP: WYNDORF HAS DONE IT, HE HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE, CHRIS WYNDORF HAS DEFEATED THE TWO TIME IWO WORLD CHAMPION, JOEY RAPPOPORT!!!
The camera cuts back to inside the ring, where Joey Rappoport is still standing.
Joey Rappoport: Yeah. I lost in a match against one of my best friends in the business. And why? Because... according to some people... I was a... ah, fucknut.
JT: Ha! Rappoport never curses!
Joey Rappoport: Thinking back to that last unsuccessful return, I realize why lots of people would call me by that unfortunately-named moniker. But that's too bad for them, though, because they're living in the past.
JT: I still can't believe we still had that footage... that was painful to watch, Joey Rappoport was so out of shape back in the latter parts of 1999.
Joey Rappoport: But that's who I was... and to all you fans out here today... and all the fans watching at home... and to all the boys in the back - I'm back, and I'm better than ever. It's that simple. It seems like I have my work cut out for me this time around, because I have to go and get respect and climb back up the ladder once more since I can't just start where I left off. I acknowledge this, though - guys like Seaman, Bill, Matt Rivers, Nuke, Schitzo Tod... these are the guys I have to prove myself to. Because there's no more Zombies or Ken Wars or Titans to prove my mettle against anymore - it's a whole new generation here. But you know what? I'm going to do it, by God I will... and that's a promise. And to dust off an old catchphrase - Joey Rappoport never lies.
The fans voice their approval. Joey Rappoport holds the microphone closer to his face.
Joey Rappoport: This is a history-making night, people! This is Day One of my journey back to the upper echelon of IWO. It all starts tonight... in this very ring... and it all starts against Bill. You know, I could refer to him as AWS Man, Bill, Also Known As, it really doesn't make a difference - because as everybody knows... none of the "I'm holier than thou" smack talk amounts to anything as soon as that bell rings. So Bill - good luck tonight, you're going to need it. And to the rest of the IWO's elite - watch your backs, because I just put a bullseye on everybody's back.
The genuine version of Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" starts blaring throughout the arena as Joey Rappoport exits the ring and makes his way back to the lockerroom area. The camera cuts to the backstage area. Schitzo Tod bursts into AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)'s locker room, panting and out of breath. Tod steps over toward the Insane One, tapping him on the shoulder.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Freakin' Hey Tod.
Schitzo Tod: Hey.. I ran here to tell you something.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Yeah?
Schitzo Tod: Well, I have a question.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): It better not be about freakin' reforming Team Tampax, because I'm way to freakin' busy watching porn.
Schitzo Tod: Oh... Well... PLEASE?
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): But, don't you freakin' care that I freakin turned on you and became all heelishly heel?
Schitzo Tod: I don't know what you are talking about.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Oh, okay. Well, how about the freakin' time I freakin turned on you and became all heelishly heel?
Schitzo Tod: Now THAT was not cool. In fact, it was looc.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): looc?
Schitzo Tod: Yes, the opposite of cool.
Mister Know-it-All: NO NO NO! THE OPPOSITE OF COOL IS WARM!
Nick The Walrus: Yeah Tod, stop being such a pissant!
Schitzo Tod: But you're a talking walrus... Who's named Nick!
Mister Know-it-All: WHO'S NICK?! MY NAME IS: IHAVENODICKBECAUSEISITHEREANDBITCHDAYAFTERDAY!
Schitzo Tod shrugs, then leaves the room.
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring first, 3-time former World tag team champions, Jeff and Ryan King, the Suicide Kings!
Jeff and Ryan rush out to the ring to "Between Angels And Insects" and a pretty decent pop.
Meygon: And the challengers, former tag champs as well, being accompanied by Aubrey Breaker, Jack Breaker and Rodeo Daniels, the Jack Daniels Connection!
"Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin hits as Jack and Aubrey step out onto the stage to a decent crowd response. As they walk to the ring they are trailed by Rodeo. Jack hits the ring and slides in, while Rodeo climbs up onto the apron. Jeff King climbs into the ring on his side, leaving Ryan on the apron.
GP: Jack and Jeff starting things off here.
Jack immediately goes for a front facelock on Jeff as the bell rings. Jeff struggles to break free, but to no avail, as Jack comes crashing down with a DDT. Jeff bounces back up, and Jack tries to gain momentum with a short clothesline. Jeff ducks his arm, grabs the wrist and twists it behind his head. He hooks Jack's other arm under the shoulder and drives him face-first into the mat. Jeff pulls Jack back to his feet and ties up from behind as Ryan tags himself in and hits a dropkick off the top rope. He then takes his turn holding Jack up as Jeff takes to him with a few kicks to the midsection before returning to the apron. Ryan applies a half-nelson from behind and goes to sweep Jack's legs, but Jack evades and pulls Ryan down in an unorthodox arm drag. Jack drops back into the ropes and grabs Ryan's neck in a swinging neckbreaker on the rebound, before colliding with a surprised Jeff King and knocking him off the apron. Ryan charges at Jack for a spear, but Jack sidesteps and tags in Rodeo.
GP: The JDC are gaining momentum here pretty quickly... who do you think's gonna take this one, JT?
JT: Those Damn Mexicans, without a doubt.
GP: But they aren't even...
JT: I SAID, Those Damn Mexicans, without a doubt.
GP: Hoo boy.
Rodeo grabs Ryan's arm and hooks it behind his back. He hooks the other one in the same manner, and suplexes Ryan into the corner. Ryan's head narrowly avouids colliding with the steel ringpost as Rodeo cuts into him with some hard chops. Ryan writhes in pain as Rodeo backs up and swings forward, driving his hip into Ryan's sternum. Rodeo turns to the fans to gauge their excitement, and Ryan tries a sneaky schoolboy. One, two, kickout. Rodeo rolls away and readies himself as Ryan charges in for an attempted spinning heel kick. Rodeo trips Ryan with one leg, and he hits the mat. Rodeo grabs his ankle and yanks it paralell to the rest of his leg, while keeping one foot firmly on Ryan's upper thigh. Ryan reaches out and tags in Jeff, who breaks the hold by clotheslining Rodeo. Rodeo bounces off the mat and quickly finds his feet again, before being sent reeling by a few quick snap jabs by Jeff King. Rodeo raises his fists, and in between ducks and weaves to avoid Jeff's furious punches, gets in a strong right hook to Jeff's jaw. As Jeff stumbles back, clutching his cheek, Rodeo hooks him for a pumphandle buster, which he executes over the ropes, sending Jeff crashing into the crowd barrier. Jeff hangs over the edge for a minute, and Rodeo comes flying down on top of him. Jeff rolls away at the last second, and Rodeo precariously balances himself on the small ledge. Jeff reaches out for his ankle, and Rodeo jumps, flips and lands on Jeff's shoulders. Jeff collapses under the sudden weight, and Rodeo continues to roll untill he comes safely to a stop in front of the announcer's table. Jeff angrily goes for a spear, but misses his mark and hits the table. Rodeo rolls back into the ring and tags Jack. Jack turns to face Jeff King, and gets blindsided by Ryan King, rushing in from the apron. Jeff stumbles into the ring just as Jack hits the mat, and goes for a cover.
GP: Kickout! How in the world did Jack manage to kick out?
Jack and Jeff tie up. Jeff applies the front facelock on Jack and raises his knee into Jack's face. Jack stumbles back, and Jeff takes him to the mat with a handspring elbow smash. He then tries to lock in a figure four, but Jack is on the bottom rope in a flash. He gets to his feet once more, and Jeff irish whips him into the ropes. Jack rebounds, ducks under Jeff's outstretched arm, and continues into the opposite ropes. He tries to stop before he hits the ropes, but crashes into Rodeo on the apron. Rodeo goes flying down to the concrete, and Jeff King tries to take advantage of Jack while he's distracted with Rodeo by attempting another schoolboy, but Jack would have none of it and kicks out after one. Jack pulls Jeff to his feet, hooks, and hits a chicken wing jawbreaker.
GP: The JDC are battling back! Jack Breaker, cleaning house!
Jack and Jeff King lock up. Jack takes Jeff down with a quick snapmare. Jeff quickly gets back to his feet, just as Jack hooks in a front facelock and raises his free arm to the fans, calling for a Clockwork DDT. The crowd roars in approval, and just as Jack starts his approach, Rodeo rushes in and swings at Jeff King's head with a steel chair. The chair connects with Jack's face, however, and he drops to the mat while Rodeo stares in disbelief at the chair. In his confusion, Jeff King dropkicks the chair into Rodeo's chest, and the ref angrily calls for the bell.
*DING DING DING*
GP: I can't believe this! Rodeo just accidentally took out his partner with that steel chair!
JT: Pfft. "Accidentally". What the hell was Rodeo doing with that chair in the first place?
GP: Well, whatever the reason, this match is a double countou... wait a minute, it looks like Rodeo's got something to say...
Rodeo grabs a microphone from ringside as the Suicide Kings exit the ring area to a fair pop.
Rodeo: Hey, Jack, what the fuck was that about?
Jack: What? Listen, you...
Rodeo: No, YOU listen. I'm getting sick and tired of your lack of involvement in this team.
Jack: What the hell are you...
Rodeo: It's mistakes like that that cost us the tag straps a while ago and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let your shortcommings drag MY name in the mud like that.
Jack: But you were the one who...
Rodeo: Enough talk. You have to...
Jack: No, shut up, Rodeo. You're the one who lost us the tag championships, and you're the one who just lost the match for us just now. If anything, you're the one who...
Rodeo suddenly swings out with the steel chair he'd been leaning on, connecting with Jack's skull. Rodeo throws his mic down next to Jack's head and exits the ring as "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles plays. Aubrey helps Jack up and he stares down Rodeo as they head up the aisle.
GP: Well, what a startling turn of events...
Scene cuts backstage, as Schitzo Tod is seen in one of the locker rooms in front of a large blackboard. A few feet away form Tod, a bunch of classroom desks are set up. Sitting at the desks, are teddy bears. Tod makes some drawings on the board, then clears his throat.
Schitzo Tod: And so you see, we we'll enter the ventilation shaft from here, then work are way towards the locker room here. I can tell you right now that someone is not going to make it out alive, because they have to be used to clog the fanning system. Now then, we'll-
Tom ford enters the room. He looks at Tod, then at the teddy bears, then back at Tod.
Tom Ford: Tod... What the hell are you doing?
Schitzo Tod: I am in the planning stages of an assault. An assault on AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)'s locker room.
Tom Ford: Why?
Schitzo Tod: It's simple, really. AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)'s locker room is holding him captive.
Tom Ford: Right...
Schitzo Tod: The real Insane One is being locked up in the heavily guarded broom closet, while his evil clone is out watching porn.
Tom Ford: Uh huh... What's the closet guarded with?
Schitzo Tod: Brooms.
Tom Ford: But don't brooms usually go INSIDE the broom closet?
Schitzo Tod: That's what they want us to think.
Tom Ford: They?
Schitzo Tod: The Man.
Tom Ford: ...You said THEY. THEY is plural.
Schitzo Tod: Whatever.
Tom Ford: What's with the Teddy Bears?
Schitzo Tod: This, my friend, is my army of bearness!
Tom Ford: I'm not going to ask... Just don't hurt anyone.
Schitzo Tod: Sure thing chief!
Tom leaves the room as Tod finishes his lecture
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
GP: Well, here we go. Everybody already knows how this match is gonna end, but we still have to go through with all these formalities.
Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it's for the IWO UNited States championship! Making his way to the ring first, probably from some trailer park outside of Mobile, Alabama, Evan Levine!
Evan comes down to the ring to absolutely no reaction. Crickets chirp as he nervously edges his way to the ring and slides in. He poses on the turnbuckle for a minute, but falls off when a fan throws a soda bottle at him.
Meygon: Making his way to the ring next...
The crowd starts to buzz.
Meygon: he is the IWO United States champion...
The crowd's excitement increases.
Meygon: Please welcome...
The crowd pops, and derps, and does all kinds of wild stuff.
Meygon: Rob Kestleeeeeer!
The crowd's excitement, having peaked several seconds ago, slowly trails off as Rob climbs over the top rope and throws his belt wildly to the timekeeper.
*DING DING DING*
GP: This match is on!
JT: Why do you have to say that? I mean, I kind of think the loud, piercing BELL kind of tips the people off!
GP: Quiet, you.
Kestler starts off with a collar and elbow lockup, and takes Evan down to his knees in a front headlock. He executes a fireman's carry, catches Evan's legs in the process and locks in a standing double ankle lock, which he turns into a boston crab. The bottom rope finds Evan's hand quickly, and Kestler breaks the hold. Kestler turns around to acknowlege the screaming fans, and Evan tries a sneaky roll-up. Rob kicks out after one and gets to his feet with Evan in a front facelock. He jumps up in a huge swinging DDT, then, with Evan laid out on the mat, mounts the second rope and takes off with a split-legged moonsault. Evan gets his knees up at the last moment, and tries to swing the match in his favor by backing Rob into a corner with some hard chops. Rob hits the turnbuckle and jumps up in a handstand. Evan stops abruptly, allowing Rob to sling over him and attempt a backslide. One... two... Evan kicks out.
JT: Aha, Evan's got gome fight left in him yet!
GP: ...if he ever had any in him to begin with.
Evan gets to his feet and raises his fists up to his face. Kestler stands up perplexed, as Evan takes a swing at him. Kestler barely flinches, but Evan takes off against the ropes anyway, and charges back at Rob with a clothesline. Rob drops to the mat prematurely and Evan goes down to Rob's drop toehold. Rob capitalizes by locking in a spinning toehold, and hooks Evan's neck in a crossface to sort of cradle him, then drops to his back and lifts Evan up in an unorthodox Mexican surfboard.
JT: What the hell? A Mexican surfboard?
Evan, writhing in pain, manages to find the ropes once again. This time Rob keeps hold on the upper hand in the match with a german suplex. He bridges for a pin, but falls just short at a two-count. Evan kicks out and rolls away. He pulls himself upright with help from the ring ropes and seems preoccupied with simply standing upright, giving Rob Kestler a perfect chance to clothesline him out of the ring, which he does, but Evan ducks at the last second and Rob sails over the top rope. Evan siezes the moment and, with a lot of difficulty, mounts the turnbuckle and leaps off with a diving headbutt. Suddenly springing to his feet, Rob catches Evan's head as he falls to the ground and DDTs him. Evan's body makes a resounding thud as it hits the cold concrete. Rob rolls him into the ring and whips him against the ropes. Unfortunately, Evan crashes into the referee, and knocks him down. Evan shrugs and charges in on Rob, but Rob sneaks behind him and delivers a huge full nelson facebuster. Evan's face crashes to the mat and blood starts to flow from his nose. But then, all of a sudden Hacksaw Decapitation comes on over the PA system. The lights go out, when the lights go back on Harold Hash is on the top rope. Evan is on the mat while Rob Kestler stands next to him. Rob Kestler looks at Harold Hash and smiles. Hash jumps off the top rope and does a drop kick to Kestler.
JT: Hehehe apparently Hash has realized who is the better person. I saw it all along.
GP: WHAT THE HELL YOU SON OF A BITCH WHY WOULD ANYONE GO WITH EVAN LEVINE OVER ROB KESTLER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HASH?
JT: He has seen the real heel and there for seen God?
JT: Now what the hell was that? That felt like nothing. It is reasons like this that Hash joined Evan. He realized that the faces only get pussy puss pusses as fans. Where as people like Evan and now Harold Hash get real men like me. Now that is why Hash turned on Kestler.
Hash is stomping on Rob Kestler as Evan gets up. Evan looks at Hash then starts to stomp on Robby Boy with Hash. Evan pulls up Rob and Hash does a thrust kick to him. Then Hash goes up to the top rope as Evan holds down Rob. OH MY GOD HASH HAS DONE THE TESTICAL CRUSH (A stomp off the top rope to the opponents nut sack.) TO ROB KESTLER!! Evan pins Kestler as the referee recovers! 1....2....3!
Meygon: The winner and new champion, the Real Heal, EVAN LEVINE!!!
Hash grabs the mic.
Hash: Let me be the first to congratulate you Evan. You have done it. You have decided to straighten up and you achieved it. You have defeated Rob and regained the US Title. I want to be the first to congratulate you.
Hash pauses as the crowd boos him.
Hash: What do you think I really care about you fans? Do you think I care about any of you? FUCK NO I DON'T! I have no feelings for any of you. That is why I have done something that no one has thought to do. I have aligned myself with the best heel ever, Evan. Now that we hold titles we are the men! There is only one other thing to do. And do you know what that is Evan?
Evan: What is that Hash?
Hash: Now it is time to go to the back and light up a bowl of those sweet nugs. Let's burn the bowl like we just burned Rob.
Evan and Hash start to laugh uncontrollably.
Hash: Wait first before we go I have to say one other thing. This goes to you Rob. I used to think of you as my role model. Then I realized something. A five-year-old that gets raped constantly by her father would be a better idol then you. You are stupider then these fans and people cheer for you! WHY? WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU? CAUSE YOU SAY DERP AND MOODOOGLE? THAT IS BULLSHIT! YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE AWS Man (also known as Bill) BOTH OF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON. YOU ARE BOTH THE STUPIDEST MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE IWO! THAT IS WHY I HAVE TAKEN IT AS MY MISSION WITH EVAN LEVINE TO WIPE YOU OUT OF THE IWO...SO COME THIS ICE AGE LETS CHANGE THE MATCH AWS Man (also known as Bill). LET'S MAKE IT A TAG TEAM MATCH, BUT MAKE IT A DOUBLE TITLE MATCH. WHERE WHO EVER PINS THE OTHER EITHER KEEPS OR WINS THAT TITLE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO DO IT? NOT LIKE YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE, CAUSE I ALREADY TOOK WHAT YOU HAD!!!
Hash starts laughing to himself.
Hash: Well this time we shall really go Evan but first. My name is Harold Hash, which means I am full of pep and vinegar!
Hash drops the mic as he and Evan go to the backstage. The scene cuts to the building's ventilation shaft, Schitzo Tod, carrying his five teddy bears, makes his way to the entrance of AWS Man (Also known as Bill)'s locker room. Tod looks through the vent-cover, and finds that the room is empty. He presses a button in his pocket that starts to play the original mission impossible theme. Tod then opens the vent-cover, and starts to throw the teddy bears down into the room.
Schitzo Tod: Here I go!
Tod drops down, looks both ways, then runs toward the broom closet. He opens the door, and a broom falls on him.
Schitzo Tod: I've been hit!
Tod wrestles the broom to the ground, just as Brian Blade walks into the room.
Brian Blade: ...What the hell is going on?
Schitzo Tod: I'm saving AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)!
Tod gets up, then looks in the closet to find no Insane One being held captive, just brooms.
Schitzo Tod: Wha.. What?
Brian Blade: Hey! You're the freak who keeps one annoying AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)!
Schitzo Tod: Well.. The thing about that is... RUN AWAY!!!!
Tod darts out the door, he runs until he is sure that nobody followed him.
Schitzo Tod: Why wasn't he there? Tom must have tipped them off!
The Idiotic One storms out of sight.
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
GP: And now we have High Flyer vs. HIT for the
JT: It's the Hardcore Iscocles Triagle. Get it right
Parker GET IT RIGHT!
GP:Calm down JT.
JT: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! MY FATHER BEAT ME! HE BEAT ME
JT breaks down into sobs.
GP: ? Interesting.
JT: HE SUCKED THE FILLING OUT WITH A STRAW! AND THEN SMACK!
SMACK! HE BEAT ME!
GP: War go?
GP: War oh shut the hell up.
Meygon slowly brings her sweet sweet microphone of
perfection up to her mouth. Never before has the IWO seen
such a microphone of such great perfection. There have been
many great microphones in the IWO before, but never one
this perfect. She takes the microphone, and slowly licks
it. Oh yeah, you like that, huh? She starts pulling the
microphone in and out of her mouth, slowly at first, and
then speeding up. Mad Max suddenly comes out of the crowd,
and they perform many sexual acts together. All this really
occurs in Mad Max's head as he watches the match from
Meygon: Now introducing, he likes math and stuff, and
teaches.!!! THE HARDCORE ISCOLESE TRIANGLE!!!
"I'm Gonna Kick Yo' Ass: Cows, Meat, and Little Sister
Remix" begins to play over the speakers. HIT walks out to
the ring. How exciting.
Meygon: And now introducing, he is silly and likes snow,
and I'm so horny right now (oh wait, that was in Max's head
again), HIGH FLYER!!!
High Flyer comes out. His theme music is playing. How
GP: And there they are! WHOO! FIGHT!
GP: Oh you big baby.
JT: Mommy, JT need a suckle.
JT begins to suckle GP.
GP: OH MY! Oh my. Oh my.
High Flyer and HIT lock up. Flyer gives Triangle a knee
in the gut, and throws him to the turnbuckle
GP: Don't worry baby, momma is here for you.
GP: That's right, baby needs his milk.
High Flyer does that somersaulting elbow thingy majig,
but HIT gets out of the way. While Flyer is dazed, HIT
delievers a devastating suplex
GP: What kind of suplex?
A a a fisherman's suplex! And he makes a pin!
And Flyer kicks out!
GP: Whoah! That is not my nipple JT!
JT: Nipple doesn't give milk, this does.
GP: That oh oh my . Oh yes ..
Meygon: Oh! That looks like fun, let me join in.
GP: Oh! OH!
Both men are on their feet now. High Flyer with right
hands now. Blow after blow after blow after blow look at
that Meygon go. Wow.
JT: Mommy! Sister stole most of the milk!
GP: Oh, sorry about that. Have some of hers. Come sit on
daddy's lap little girl.
The screen goes to static, and bowl of fishies swimming
around is shown.
Announcer: Sorry folks, due to graphic content we decided
we would show you these wonderful fishies.
The fishies swim around. And around. Oh look at that,
one of them went into the castle, how fun! And so did the
other one! Now they are coming out of the castle and OH
MY! We went to this to avoid graphic content! Switch it
back, switch it back!
GP: OH!!! OH!!!
Meygon: YES!!! FASTER! YES! OH!!
JT: Stop bouncing so much, it is too hard to suckle.
OH MY! THE ENTIRE CROWD IS HAVING A GIGANTIC ORGY!
SWITCH IT BACK AGAIN! OH MY!! Ummmm umm Go to A-Team
Hannibal: I have a plan.
Mr. T: This better not involve me getting on a plane,
Hannibal. I don't get on no plane!
Face (whispering to Hannibal): I'll take care of this one.
Murdock (using his hand to talk): Hi there Face! My name is
Mr. Handy Hand Man. How are you today?
Face: I'm . Murdock your so hot
Murdock: Woah, Face, what are you doing. Your that feels
Mr. T: What are you two foo's doing! Oh my. Stay in school,
don't do drugs. Mr. T don't get in no male orgies.
Hannibal: But Hannibal does!
Oh my! Not even the A-Team is safe. Maybe it has
cleared up let's go back to the match. Look at that,
everything's back to normal, except everything just seems
dirty now. High Flyer and HIT are still going at it as if
nothing has happened. OH NO! High Flyer just hit HIT with
the Cold Snow! He's going up to the turnbuckle.
GP (out of breath): This could be it folks!
FLYING MOON SHOT! And the cover
GP: HIGH FLYER WINS! HIGH FLYER WINS! He's still the
cruiserweight champion. YAY!
Scene cuts to the backstage area, where Schitzo Tod charges into the office room of Tom Ford, who is spinning around in his chair, quacking like a duck. When he spots Tod, he straghtens out, and stops spinning.
Tom Ford: What is it?
Schitzo Tod: YOU! YOU TIPPED THEM OFF!
Tom Ford: Who?
Schitzo Tod: THEM! THE MAN!
Tom Ford: Huh?
Schitzo Tod: AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BILL) WASN'T IN THE CLOSET!
Tom Ford: What was?
Schitzo Tod: ...Brooms.
Tom Ford: Oh. Alrighty then.
Schitzo Tod: It's because YOU told them I was comming.
Tom Ford: No..
Schitzo Tod: Yes..
Tom Ford: Whatever.
Schitzo Tod: I'm watching you Ford!
Tod storms out, as Tom starts quacking like a duck again.
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
GP: Well, this next one should be interesting.
JT: Why do you always say that?
JT: "This next one should be interesting", That.
GP: Well, what's wrong with it?
JT: Why can't you ever say "This next one's going to be a suckfest."
GP: Erm... I, I don't know. I don't like the word "Suckfest." Besides, there isn't anything "Suckfesty" about this match.
JT: I know, because it's Schitzo Tod against Syphon Fission.
GP: But then, why did you call the match a "Suckfest".
JT: Because I wanted to trick you. You're always the one announcing the matchups. Well I say, NO MORE!
GP: You're a moron.
JT: Fair enough.
GP: Hey, this match should've started a few seconds ago.
The camera pans around to backstage. Syphon Fission and Schitzo Tod are playing rock paper scissors right behind the entrance curtains. Syphon chose rock, and Tod chose paper.
Syphon Fission: Well.. Looks like I win!
Schitzo Tod: Confused I am... I chose paper, paper beats rock!
Syphon Fission: Um.. No.
Schitzo Tod: No?
Syphon Fission: Yes, no.
Schitzo Tod: Qua?
Syphon Fission: Rock beats everything. It can tear right through paper... Duh.
Schitzo Tod: Oh, okay. Let's go again.
The two both play again, and they both choose rock. They play again, and they both choose rock. This goes on until Syphon starts to get annoyed.
Syphon Fission: Look, Tod, I'm a former World Champion.
Schitzo Tod: So?
Syphon Fission: So... I get to enter last. You enter first.
Schizto Tod: No. I'm Schitzo Tod, you can enter first.
Syphon Fission: C'MON TOD!
Schitzo Tod: Nope.
Syphon Fission: GRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Everything goes in slow motion as Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" starts to play. Syphon delivers a few punches and kicks in slow motion. The fight continues to go well for Syphon, as he just takes it to Tod in slow motion. The electric guitar solo starts up as Syphon, still in slow motion, gets Tod up against a door. He leans back for a punch, but Tod ducks. Syphon goes flying through the door, into a bathroom. Everything is now at normal speed, and "Bohemian Rhapsody" is now playing the crazy part at the three minute mark. Tod opens the door to discover that Syphon landed himself in a bathroom. Several Men are at urinals, and in stalls... They all start to sing.
Small Man At Urinal: I see a little silhouetteo of a man.
Men In Stalls: SHCADDAMOOSH SHCADDAMOOSH WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!
Chorus Of Fat Men At Urinals: THUNDER BOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHTENING! ME!
Small Man At Urinal (High Pitch): GALILAIO!
Fat Man: GALILAIO!
Small Man At Urinal (High Pitch): GALILAIO!
Fat Man: GALILAIO!
Fat Man and Small Man: GALILAIO FIGARO!
Men In Stalls: MAGNIFICO!
Small Man at Urinal: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY! SPARING HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!
While this is all happening, Schitzo Tod has been beating up Syphon. He find and empty stall and takes Fission to a toilet, where he repeatedly gives him swirlies.
Small Man at Urinal: Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: ISH MILL LACH NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Men In Stalls: LET HIM GO!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: ISH MILL LACH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Men In Stalls: LET HIM GO!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: ISH MILL LACH! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Men In Stalls: LET ME GO!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Men In Stalls: LET ME GO!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Small Man At Urinal: LET ME GO!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Small Man At Urinal: OH MAMMAMEA MAMMAMEA!
Chorus of Fat Men at Urinals: MAMMAMEA LET ME GO! BEALSIBUB HAS A DEVIL FOR HIS SON FOR ME! FOR ME! FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!
Just as the fast guitar part kicks in, Syphon and Tod burst through the bathroom door, they continue fighting in the main hall. We pan back tot he announcers.
JT: What the hell is this?
GP: Well, I've just got the word it's an official match. Go figure.
We go back to Tod and Syphon. Tod has Fission by the head. The last guitar solo kicks in as Tod calls from his finisher, the "Tod Annihilation Maneuver", or TAM as internet junkies like to call it. Tod pulls back, and kicks Syphon in the shin! Syphon falls, and Tod covers him. A referee runs in and makes the count: 1.. 2.. 3!!!
Schitzo Tod: YES! I GET TO ENTER LAST! What? This was the match?
Syphon Fission: I WANT A RECOUNT! THE CHADS WERE MISLEADING!
Chad walks by.
Chad leaves, Tod shrugs.
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
GP: Ladies and gentleman, up now we have quite an interesting match-up. Of all the people Matt Rivers has faced in the past, he now goes against, is this right? Hot Butter?
JT: Hot butter, soggy popcorn, congealed milkshake, it does not matter. This rivalry between Matt Rivers and Simon Seaman has to stop. When will Matt Rivers understand that the only way he will ever beat the champion is if he begs him for a win and or pays Seaman a large sum of money. Even then he might just get a two count. See the situation like, Matt Rivers belongs as far away from the champion as possible because just like all these people in attendance, he has no right attacking Seaman verbally. He has no right sneak attacking the champ like he did at last week's Hostile Takeover and if he does that again, it's a sure bet that he's leaving this arena in a stretcher.
GP: How do you sleep at night?
JT: Are you coming on to me, Greg Parker, I won't have any of it. Maybe your mom can help you, possibly your cousin and hopefully not your grandmother, but not this broadcast colleague. That's for damn sure.
From the speakers, "Makin' Money" by Handsome Devil is heard as the crowd rises to their feet. From the entranceway appears Matt Rivers, taking a look at the fans in the arena cheering him on and then continuing his way to the ring.
Ring Announcer: First, he hails from Port St. Lucie, Florida. Standing six feet, three inches tall and weighing in at 215 pounds...HE IS...MMMMAAATTTTTTTT RRRRRIIIIIIVVVVVEEEERRRRRSSSSS!
JT: I can't believe he's so liked by these fans. What are these people on anyway? Do they have some sort of disability that involves cheering on complete imbiscles?
GP: Well I'm not sure exactly. They cheer you, don't they? Then maybe they are on something.
JT: Greg, comedy is an art. What you just said was like a fart in church.
Walking up the steel steps and into the ring, he walks over to the corner where he stands on the second turnbuckle and poses as the flashbulbs go off throughout the arena.
GP: Nevertheless, that individual in that ring looks ready. It looks like Rivers is as determined as ever. He might not be facing the champion in the ring tonight, but you'd have to believe that he's picturing his opponent as Simon Seaman.
JT: If he wants another shot at the world title, he can just forget. How many times do you get a second chance in this world? Not very many, yet Simon Seaman, being the generous man that he is, gave Rivers another title shot and he blew it. You think he'll get a third? I don't think so.
Jumping down from the turnbuckle, he bounces against the ropes and then stretches as he awaits his opponent. From out of nowhere, Hot Butter's entrance theme plays as he appears from the entranceway and walks down to the ring, to a fairly mixed reaction. Not waiting for Hot Butter to enter ringside, Matt Rivers makes his way out of the ring and walks toward his opponent's to the fans' delight.
Ring Announcer: His opponent, he h...
Hot Butter sees Rivers coming and attempts to block a right, but is unable. A couple more rights sends Hot Butter staggering up the ramp. Without hesitation, Rivers props Butter against the guardrail and executes a knife edge chop, as the fans near the aisle cheer him on. Another knife edge chop echoes loudly throughout the arena. As Butter falls to his knees, he crawls on all fours. His opponent picks him up slowly as the ref makes his way over to them and tells them to take it into the ring.
GP: The bell hasn't even sounded yet.
JT: If Rivers want to get this match over as quick as possible, he needs to take it into the ring. How is he supposed to pin him on the damn ramp anyway?
Hot Butter gets in a few elbows to Rivers' midsection, but it doesn't phase him as he guides Butter to ringside and proceeds to whip him into the steel steps. With Butter favouring his lower back, Rivers puts the boots to his opponent as the ref screams in his ear to take it into the ring. Slowly, but surely, Butter gets up and is guided back into the ring by Rivers. As Matt pulls himself onto the apron and back into the ring, he gets in a few more kicks to Butter before he gets up to a standing position. Rivers then gets in a few more right hands, as Butter falls back into the corner. With a few kicks to the midsection, Rivers whips Butter into the opposite corner. As Rivers goes after him, Butter kicks him in the face. Waiting for his fellow competitor to turn around, Butter attempts a clothesline, but Rivers ducks and turns Butter around, nailing a DDT followed by a quick cover. The ref drops down to make a count, but Butter kicks out at two.
GP: Rivers is looking to make quick work of Hot Butter here. He might be able to do it if he can keep the pace of this match fast.
As Hot Butter gets up, he avoids a clothesline attempt and gets an arm wrench. Rivers elbows him a few times and steps through Butter's arm and applies an arm wrench of his own. Backpedaling into the corner, Butter and escapes the hold with a set of back elbows. Turning around, Butter elbows Rivers in the head and gets in a few knees to the midsection. With Rivers walking along the ropes, Butter takes advantage and whips him into the opposite set. As Rivers comes back, Butter kicks him in the gut. Bouncing off the ropes towards Rivers, Matt puts his head down expecting to back body drop Butter, but Butter kicks Rivers in the face and follows that up with a scoopslam. With Rivers on the ground, Butter bounces off the ropes and connects with an elbow to the sternum. Hooking the leg, the ref drops down and starts to count, but Rivers gets his shoulder up at one.
JT: Matt Rivers shouldn't be looking ahead because as far as getting another shot at Seaman is concerned, he's not getting one. He should focus on this match and try to get a victory. His head's not even in this match right now.
With Rivers on his knees, Butter nails him with two stiff rights. With his opponent eventually on his feet, he sends Rivers back into the ropes and sets up to execute a powerslam, but Rivers comes back and connects with a flying clothesline as Butter crashes down to the mat. As Butter quickly gets back it up, Rivers gut wrenches him from behind. Butter tries to escape the hold with a back elbow, but Rivers ducks. Executing a beautiful nothern lights suplex, the fans rally behind him as the ref counts, but only getting two. Picking up Hot Butter by the head, he guides him over to the corner where he proceeds to hit him with a flurry of rights and a knife edge chop for good measure. With Butter staggering from the corner, Rivers swiftly climbs up to the top turnbuckle. As Butter turns around, he is met with a flying cross body. The fans count along with the ref, but are surprised as Butter gets his shoulder up just before the count of three.
GP: Some people might think that Hot Butter doesn't have it in him, but he's showing us that he's got a lot of fight in him.
Rivers throws him over the top rope and out of the ring. Going after him, Butter kicks Rivers in the midsection twice, but Rivers comes back with a forearm to the back. Right in front of the broadcast table, Rivers proceeds to take Butter and slam his head onto the table. With Butter leaning against the table, Rivers slams it again. Butter falls onto his knees, but is stood back up by his opponent. Rivers then attempts to whip Butter into the ring post, but Butter reverses and Rivers hits the ring post hard with a loud thud. As the camera catches Rivers on the ground trying to get up Butter looks out into the crowd and awaits acceptance, but all he gets are boos. Walking over to Rivers on the ground, Butter picks him up and throws him back under the bottom rope. Walking up the steel steps and back into the ring, Hot Butter chokes Matt with a boot, using the top rope for leverage. The ref warns him and he lets go before the count of five. Rivers then pulls himself up via the ropes and is whipped into the opposite set. With ease, Hot Butter nails a spinebuster on Rivers as his opponent crashes to the mat.
GP: What a sickening thud!
JT: Rivers' head just bounced off the mat. What a move that was!
Neglecting to cover him, Butter takes a moment to catch his breath before pulling Rivers up by the hair. Taking his sweet time, Hot Butter finally kicks Rivers in the gut. Doubling over, Hot Butter puts his head between his leg and sets him up for a powerbomb. Staring at the crowd, he lifts Rivers up and powerbombs him onto the canvas. With his opponent on the mat, Hot Butter decides not to cover him again. Instead, he looks to inflict more punishment. Helping Rivers to his feet, Hot Butter whips him into the ropes, catches Rivers and nails a powerslam. Finally going for the cover, he doesn't hook the leg and the ref starts to count, but Rivers gets a shoulder up at the last second as the crowd just cannot believe it.
GP: If Hot Butter would have hooked the leg, this match would have been over. He has no right to be surprised at what just happened right there because he went for the cocky cover. One of the first thing you learn in wrestling school is to hook the leg in a pin attempt and for some reason or another, he didn't.
Not letting the previous occurrence get him down, Butter confidently pulls Rivers up as his body stands there limp. Kicking him in the midsection, Hot Butter looks to be executing a second powerbomb. Staring at the crowd waiting for their approval, all he gets are jeers. Lifting Rivers up, his opponent somehow lands on his feet. Attempting a clothesline, Rivers ducks and as Hot Butter turns around, Rivers kicks Butter in the gut and gets Dazed and Confused out of nowhere as the fans go wild.
GP: Dazed and confused! How did Rivers do that?!
JT: I can't believe this! This is ridiculous. What the hell was Hot Butter thinking?
As both men lay there motionless, trying to get enough strength to pull themselves up, the ref starts the mandatory ten count as the crowd counts along with him. Then, hoots and hollers from the audience are heard.
JT: Wait a minute. Who's that?
The scene cuts to a camera at the entranceway, capturing the appearance of Amanda Rivers at the top of the ramp, somewhat uncomfortable. Staring at the ring at her significant other, Matt Rivers on the mat. Without Matt even noticing, she just stands there for a moment.
GP: Hold on, that's Amanda Rivers. What is she doing here?
JT: Beats me. Maybe to see her lover lose for the billionth time. I don't know, who do you think I am? Madame Cleo?!
With a sad expression on her face, a figure emerges from the entranceway as well with a microphone in his hand. As the ref in the ring gets up to a count of four, Rivers shows signs of movement and tries to pull himself up.
GP: It doesn't look like Matt knows that Amanda is even there.
JT: And that's the way it should be. This isn't Days of our Lives, so he should focus on the task at hand.
Suddenly, the crowd starts booing as Simon Seaman slowly walks out to a sustancially negative response. With his hair gelled back, wearing an IWO t-shirt and gold, shiny pants, almost blinding the crowd, the IWO World Heavyweight Championship is displayed proudly around his waist. Along with a microphone in hand, he tries get Rivers' attention from inside the ring.
JT: The ratings just went up five points. Do you know why? The champ has showed up.
GP: Oh happy joy, joy.
As Hot Butter shows signs of movement inside the ring, Rivers has his back turned to Amanda and Simon pulling himself up by the ropes. Speaking into the microphone, Seaman addresses Matt.
Simon: Hey, hey, Dumbass McDumbass, look behind you. Yes, that's right, Matt. That is forward, this is backward. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
The ref stops the count inside the ring as he stares at Simon on top of the ramp along with Rivers. Not paying attention to his opponent, Hot Butter gets up to his knees and catches his breath and Matt works business out with Simon. With an accompanied concerned glare on his face, wondering what Amanda is doing, he hears him out.
Simon: Matt Rivers, if I can't get the fact that there is no way in hell that you will be able to beat me ever into your head, I'll do it through your heart. You know Rivers, apparently you didn't want to speak to me last week because you were too busy sneak attacking me, so let me ask you a question. How are you today, Matt? Feeling good? Having fun? Are you having a gay old time?
GP: A gay old time? This isn't the 1950's.
JT: Say one more word and your face is going to end up punching my fist.
With a furious look on his face, Simon drags Amanda along closer to the ring by her wrist. Trying to escape from his grasp, she is unable to as Simon continues, with his eyes locked on Matt.
Simon: Because if you are, good since, what I am about tell you, actually your "true love" Amanda is going to say to you, is not going to be pretty.
As she pleads with Simon to let go, he simply pauses before continuing, ignoring her completely as the fans get on his case.
Simon: I could tell you myself, but I'm not the one that fell in love you. This woman right here was stupid enough to and you know something? I can see your furious. I'm guessing you don't like me do you? Well don't bother taking one step closer because I for one know that you wouldn't want to let anything bad happen to her. So stand back, Rivers. The lady has something to say and that something will be addressed here tonight.
As the fans heckle at Simon at ringside, he hands the mic over to Amanda. Reluctantly taking it, he whispers in her ear, pointing to Rivers in the ring. Placing the mic in both her hands, she looks up at Rivers with a depressed look on her face as she speaks to him as Simon lets go of her, but stays at her side.
Amanda: Matt, I have something to tell you. I have something to tell you.
With a puzzled look on his face, Matt looks on as she slowly puts the mic back up to her mouth. Annoyed by how long it's taking her, he grabs the mic from her.
Simon: You want to tell him something? Tell it already! NOW!
A loud chorus of boos is heard as the fans negatively respond to Simon's attitude.
Handing the mic back to her, she stares at Simon and takes the mic. Looking back at Matt inside the ring, she continues.
Amanda: Matt, we've been through a lot together. Through thick and thin, we have always been there for each other. I'm truly sorry that I couldn't tell this to you in private, but as you can see, I have no choice but to.
The crowd quiets down as she proceeds. In the background, Simon simply looks on.
Amanda: Matt, it has always been apparent to you and I that I have always loved you and will always love you. You know that, don't you?
Slowly shaking his head somewhat skeptical, Matt looks on.
Amanda: I hate to tell you this, but Matt...
Awaiting Amanda to continue, Rivers looks at her with a concerned look on his face.
Amanda: I just don't feel what we have right now is working. I really hate to say this to you, but Matt, I'm breaking up with you.
The shock of those words hits Matt ton of bricks. With an absolute look of shock, the crowd starts to get louder and louder as Simon stands there next to Amanda with a large grin on his face.
GP: My god! Did she just break up with him on national television?
JT: To you people at home, I suggest that if you need to go to the washroom now, just don't.
Amanda: I just, I just, just can't do this anymore.
With tears falling down her face, she hands the microphone over to Simon as places her face into her hands. With Matt Rivers standing inside the ring motionless, Simon Seaman takes hold of the microphone and speaks.
Simon: Now Matt, before you go off and try to win her back, you should know that you shouldn't get carried away here. When you're in the moment, you do things sometimes that might seem right, but are wrong. What is meant to be is meant to be and this is just one of those things.
With Rivers and the referee distracted, Hot Butter rolls out of the ring and grabs a steel chair from under the ring skirt. Making his way back into the ring, Butter creeps up slowly behind Rivers. Turning Rivers around, he swings at him, but Rivers kicks Butter in the gut as he loses grip of the steel chair. Executing an inside package out of nowhere, he gets Butter in a pinning predicament. As the ref drops down to count, he is accompanied by the fans as Rivers gets a quick one, two, three and the victory to Simon's surprise. The fans cheer Rivers on as his hand is raised victorious.
JT: Did Matt Rivers just win that match?
GP: I think he did. If you blinked, you might have missed it.
Right after that happens, Rivers grabs the steel chair and makes his way out of the ring. With Simon helping Hot Butter up, on the floor at ringside, he stares up at Rivers with a furious look on his face. With Amanda standing there in the aisle, Rivers runs after Seaman as the champ makes a run for it as the crowd goes nuts.
JT: Run, Simon, run!
GP: Matt Rivers is running off pure adrenaline here.
Chasing him around ringside, Seaman looks for salvation as he slides into the ring. Re-entering the ring, we see in the background the referee helping Hot Butter to the back. Trapped in the corner, Seaman gets on his knees pleading for forgiveness. Putting his hand out, Rivers stands there for a moment and then slaps the steel chair against Seaman's hand. Retracting it back, Seaman slowly gets up on his feet and he attempts to reason with him. As Rivers swings the chair, Seaman ducks as Rivers strikes the turnbuckle. Backpedaling, Simon undoes his belt and runs at Rivers with it, trying to hit him with it, but Rivers ducks and nails Seaman right between the eyes with the steel chair, sending him down to the mat. With the fans behind Rivers 100%, Seaman quickly slides out of the ring, dragging the title with him on the canvas as he favours his head, staggering a bit falling down a few times. As Rivers throws the chair to the outside, Seaman avoids it as he stares at Rivers. In the aisle, Amanda simply walks away weeping into the back as Seaman runs away with the world title held high above his head. Rivers ponders the thought for a moment to run after Seaman, how is making his way out the arena from the side of the entranceway, but decides to slow down, walking up the ramp after Amanda instead. Staring at Seaman in the distance holding up the world title, "Makin' Money" by Handsome Devil plays as Rivers looks on at the top of the ramp and then proceeds to walk to the back to try to get a hold of Amanda.
GP: Did that just happen?
JT: In the course of what seemed to be one second, a billion things occurred.
GP: We need to get some order here folks. We'll be back after this.
JT: I can't believe she told him that on national television.
GP: She had no choice. What else could've she have done?
JT: Um, maybe not tell him.
GP: Shut the hell up.
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
Backstage, we see Matt Rivers walking through the halls of the arena with a purpose. Peeking through a few doorways, a frustrated expression is seen over his face.
Matt: Where the hell is she? Amanda? AMANDA?!
Slamming door after door on his way down the hallway, he turns left and notices Amanda sitting on a table at end of the hall. Running over to her, he desperately tries to get her attention, but she doesn't even acknowledge his presence. As he gets closer and closer, he runs by a television screen. As he goes past it, the IWO logo displayed on it switches to one of Simon outside the arena with the IWO World Heavyweight title draped over his shoulder. Attempting to get his attention, we see Simon yelling at Rivers from the television screen. Hearing something peculiar, Rivers walks back and notices Seaman on the screen. Waving to him, Seaman starts speaking.
Simon: Hey Rivers. How did that feel? Getting your heart broken in front of millions of viewers is not a good thing, is it?
With a furious expression on his face, Rivers looks on as Simon continues. As the chorus of boos solidifies the crowd's opinion on the world champion, we hear him speak.
Simon: You know, your happiness and my world title have a lot in common. Why? Well, simply put, no matter how close you are to them, you're just not close enough. You want to blame me for what I did to you out their in the middle of my match? Well you have no right to. I'm not the one who broke up with you. I just helped you receive the news a little sooner.
Slamming his fists against the television, Simon pauses.
Simon: Of all things you could do in retaliation, you should be thanking me, but that's alright. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Let me tell you this straight up. I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you want another title shot, don't you? I guess after what I just did, I mean what Amanda just did, you'd just like to get your hands on me again. Is that true?
Panning away, the camera captures Simon's surroundings. Around him, we view a whole army of security guards. With weapons in hand, a smirk is seen on Simon's face. Placing the world title on the pavement, he gets in his fighting stance.
Simon: If you can reach me, and that's a big if, maybe I'll consider another match between you and I, but for know, you see that girl that just broke up with you at the end of the hallway? You might have seen here then, but as far as I'm concerned, she's gone now. I mean, seriously. Who would want to hang around with a two time loser like me?
Standing back up and picking up his title, he thinks about what he just said and continues.
Simon: Wait, that's not me. I guess that must be you.
As the footage cuts to static, Rivers looks at the end of the hall and notices that Amanda has left the building. In frustration, Matt takes the television and slams it against the ground. As the crowd applauds that gesture, he walks out of view.
GP: Simon Seaman is a dead man.
JT: What kind of imaginary world have you been living in?
GP : Well, aside from that, it's time now for our main event. IWO veteran AWS Man (also known as Bill) is going to be taking on recently returned IWO legend Joey Rappoport.
JT : Is AWS Man (also known as Bill) still a heel?
GP : I don't know ... Hell, I doubt even he knows.
JT : Yeah, guess so. Still, I guess I'll root for him. I'm pretty pissed at Joey for impersonating the IWO's original Super-Heel, Dane Wilt!
GP : You've got to admit, it was a pretty unique way to make a comeback.
JT : Unique like my ass!
GP : Well, it looks like this match is about to begin.
JT : About to begin like my ass!
GP : Let's send it up to Meygon for the introductions.
JT : Send it up my ass!
GP : Damn it, JT, will you stop making me envision your ass?!
JT : OK, fine, but soon you'll be begging for more!
Meygon : The following contest is set for one fall, and is tonight's main event!
The fans pop.
Meygon : Introducing first, hailing from Fall's Landing, New Jersey ... standing at 6'3", and weighing in at 238 pounds ... a former two-time IWO World champion, Pacific champion, and Intercontinental Tag Team champion ... he is recognized by most as an IWO legend, and this is his first match since his return ... he is JJJOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYYY RRRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPOOOOPPPPPOOOOOORRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!!
Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" plays as Joey Rappoport steps out from the back to a thunderous ovation. He is seconded by Benny the Cameraman. Joey walks down to the ring, grinning like crazy. He rolls into the ring and pops up, dancing around a little on the ball of his feet as he waits for his opponent. Benny circles around the ring and takes up position near the announce table.
Meygon : And next, hailing from Freakville, North Carolina ... standing at 6'1", and weighing 236 pounds ... he is a former World, North American, Unified, etc. champion ... he is the IWO's second-ever Grand Slam champion, and I'll be damned if I'll read that retarded chicken comment two weeks in a row ... he is AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BIIIIILLLLLLLL)!!!
"Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang plays as the Insane One, AWS Man (also known as Bill) walks out from the back. He poses at the top of the ramp and does The Robot for no apparent reason, which garners a mixed reaction from the crowd, mostly because most people don't know whether he's still a heel or not. AWS Man (also known as Bill) then jogs down to the ring, runs all the way around, getting himself pumped up, and then slides into the ring to immediately be met by stomps from Rappoport as the bell rings.
GP : Heh, and AWS Man (also known as Bill) starts this match off in an anti-climactic fashion.
JT : You have no idea what "anti-climactic" means, do you?
GP : Well, er ... no.
JT : Ha! Goosed ya!
GP : Goosed me?
JT : Shut up, goosed boy!
Back in the ring, Joey finally stops stomping and lifts the Insane One up by the hair. He hits AWS Man (also known as Bill) in the jaw with a wild swing, sending AWS Man (also known as Bill) staggering back into the turnbuckle. Joey backs up and charges in with an avalanche, but the Insane One dives out of the way. Joey backs out of the turnbuckle, holding his head, when suddenly he gets picked up from behind into the Break Your Freakin' Neck (Burning Hammer-style Reverse DVD). Before AWS Man (also known as Bill) can drop him with it, Rappoport squirms out and rolls off of AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s shoulders, catching him with his legs on the way down and turning the move into a spinning headscissors.
GP : Wow! Amazing move by Rappoport!
JT : Amazing like my-
GP : Shut up!
Joey springs up and bounces off the ropes. He delivers an elbow drop, but the Insane One rolls out of the way so that Joey hits nothing but mat. As Joey stands back up, AWS Man (also known as Bill) grabs him by the legs and shoves him down. The Insane One then, still holding the legs, flips over Rappoport, holding him in a pin position.
Ref : 1 ... 2 ...
Joey kicks out. He bridges up and rolls around into a piledriver position. He tries to pick AWS Man (also known as Bill) up, but the Insane One blocks it and turns the move into a backdrop. Joey rolls through it with a sunset flip.
Ref : 1 ... 2 ...
The Insane One kicks out. Both men get to their feet. AWS Man (also known as Bill) charges with a clothesline, but Joey ducks it. He waits for the Insane One to turn around and blasts him with the Kamikaze Kick (superkick). AWS Man (also known as Bill) grabs his foot, though, spins him around, and nails him with the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off (thrust kick).
GP : The Knock Your Freakin' Head Off! This could be it!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) covers.
Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-
Joey barely gets the shoulder up in time.
GP : My God, he kicked out!
JT : Dude, everybody kicks out of that move ... which really doesn't make much sense, since it's the same move as Joey's Kamikaze Kick, which is his finisher.
GP : But one is called a thrust kick and the other one is called a superkick.
JT : They're the same move!!
GP : Yeah, but-
JT : Goosed!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) waits for Joey to stand up, then scoops him up for the Drop You On Your Freakin' Face (Emerald Fusion), but Joey slides down his back and spins the Insane One around into a boot in the gut, followed by a fisherman's buster. He covers.
Ref : 1 ... 2 ...
AWS Man (also known as Bill) kicks out at two and a half.
GP : That was a pretty close one. This match must be wearing down; it's been
brief but full of action.
JT : Covering for the lazy match writer?
GP : And how!
Joey scales the top turnbuckle and poses for a moment before leaping with a frog splash. The Insane One gets his knees up, and Joey comes crashing down on top of them. He rolls off, clutching his stomach. AWS Man (also known as Bill) hops up and runs over to the turnbuckle, leaping to the top. He stands all the way up and leaps with the Win the Freakin' Matchifier (Shooting Star Press), and connects!
GP : The Win the Freakin' Matchifier! This one is over, folks!
JT : Whoo-hoo! The craptacular heel won it!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) covers.
Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-
As his hand comes down for the last count, the ref notices Joey's foot on the ropes, and brings it to the Insane One's attention. Frustrated, and yelling "freak" many a time, AWS Man (also known as Bill) drags Joey to the middle of the ring and goes back to the turnbuckle. He jumps to the top rope and leaps again with his finisher, but Joey rolls out of the way.
GP : He moved out of the way! Joey's still in this match!
JT : I'd like to get in this match and ... and ... errr, how do I turn this into a sexual innuendo without sounding gay?
GP : Considering you're talking about a wrestling match and that Nikki's no longer here, I don't really think you can.
JT : Damn! Well ... BLLOOOOOODDDDD!!!
GP : Yes.
Both men slowly stagger to their feet. Joey walks up to AWS Man (also known as Bill) while the Insane One's still bent over and nails him with a double-underhook DDT. Holding his head, the Insane One rolls out of the ring. Moving slowly, Joey steps out onto the apron and waits for AWS Man (also known as Bill) to stand up.
GP : I think I know what he's going for here.
JT : McDonald's?
GP : What?
JT : He's going for McDonald's, right?
GP : No, dumbass.
JT : Oh. Well, I could go for some McDonald's.
GP : Too bad! Now just watch the damn match!
Once AWS Man (also known as Bill) stands up all the way, Rappoport springs off the ropes with an Asai moonsault. Somehow, AWS Man (also known as Bill) manages to catch him in mid-air and drive him down on the outside with the Drop You On Your Freakin' Face.
GP : WHAT A MOVE!!
JT : Yeahhh, but a Big Mac would have been more impressive.
GP : No it wouldn't have!
The Insane One covers on the outside. After several seconds, he realizes that there are no covers on the outside, and gets up.
JT : Ha! What a tard!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) finally picks up Joey and slides him into the ring. He climbs up onto the apron and scales the top turnbuckle. As he prepares to leap for a third Win the Freakin' Matchifier, Joey kicks his foot up in the air and shakes the top rope, crotching the Insane One on the top turnbuckle. AWS Man (also known as Bill) falls off and clutches his manly
areas. Suddenly, "Date Rape" by Sublime hits as the crowd goes wild! (Well, the crowd does go wild, but not as wild as they did for big name stars, we're just talking semi-wild.) Anyway, Tod comes down and all and starts to pester AWS Man (Also Known as Bill).
Schitzo Tod: Hey, AWS Man (Also Known as Bill)!
AWS Man (also known as Bill) gets to his feet, still holding his manly areas.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Erm, Freakin' hey Tod... Um, kinda freakin' busy right now.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) motions over towards Joey Rappoport.
Schitzo Tod: Oh, don't worry. I just have a quick question.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Yeah?
Schitzo Tod: Do you want to reform Team Tampax?
At this, several woman in the audience faint, because thye think Schitzo Tod and AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) are hotties.. Well, not really... I just wish girls found me attractive.
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): I don't freakin' know...
Schitzo Tod: I have porn.....
AWS Man (Also Known as Bill): Porn freakin'!
AWS Man (Also known as Bill turns around in excitment, he wants to see this "porn" Tod speaks of. With the Insane One's back turned, Rappy takes it to his advantage and tackles AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) to the ground. Tod gets in the ring.
Schitzo Tod: Hey! No fair!
Joey Rappoport: Huh? Oh, you.
Schitzo Tod: His back was turned!
Tod runs over to Joey and hits him in the head. The referee closes his eye.
The Ref: I'm not looking!
Joey staggers back, holds his head, and looks at Tod oddly.
Joey Rappoport: What in the hell was that for?
Tod looks around nervously.
Schitzo Tod: Ummm.... YOINK!
Tod bails out of the ring. Rappoport turns just as AWS Man (Also known as Bill) goes for another Knock Your Freakin' Head Off. The problem is, Rappy ducks. As AWS Man (Also known as Bill) looks around, confused, Rappy takes position behind AWS Man (Also known as Bill). As he turns...
GP: KAMIKAZE KICK! RIGHT TO THE FACE OF AWS MAN!
JT: Rappoport makes the cover! One! Two! Three!!
*ding, ding, ding!*
Meygon: Here is your winner... JOEY RAPPOPORT!
JT: Rappoport just barely manages to defeat the Insane One, with a bit of assistance, oddly enough, from Schitzo Tod!
GP: And... we have no more time! So long, everyone!