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Hostile Takeover
Hostile Takeover
Live from the Indianapolis Convention Center in Indianapolis, Indiana
November 16th, 2001
---
A heartbeat.

"IWO" appears and disappears. Another heartbeat.

"IWO" appears and disappears. Another heartbeat.

"IWO" appears, then gets blasted by a lightning bolt, erupting the logo into blue flames. It burns into ashes, which are blown into the wind, spelling out "Internet Wrestling Organization". It fades out, then we EXPLODE with pyro, fireworks, and mayhem, as "Do the Evolution" by Pearl Jam hits. The camera pans around the packed Indianapolis Convention Center, with fans jumping about, going wild, and some such nonsense as "I have Seaman all over my shorts!", "BRING BACK THE O'NEILL BROTHERS!", "Mega Job for World Champion!", and others. We finally pan over to Greg Parker and JT, who are sitting there, excited about the show.


GP: Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is Hostile Takeover!

JT: No, really? I thought it was happy, fun, sunshine hour.

GP: Mind my colleague. He needs a woman, but let us take you back to last week's Hostile Takeover. To tell you the gist of it, Simon Seaman screwed Matt Rivers out of the North American title after an intense confrontation that needed several IWO officials to break up. You want answers. I want answers, I don't know if my broadcast partner wants answers.

JT: I want candy.

GP: Anyway, the people who count want answers and hopefully we'll get some tonight.

JT: It's all Matt Rivers' fault. It's the fans fault. It's Greg Parker's fault. Matt stuck his nose in Simon's business so the champ went ahead and did the same for the FORMER North American champion and I stress FORMER. If he wants to call Simon out like that, he will pay and that is the truth my friend.

GP: What a show we have for you tonight. Mad Max will take on Mega Job's Beef and El Janito. The Hardcore Isosceles Trapezoid takes on Scott Styles.

JT: And if you don't like it, then tough. You don't like him? Tough. You still don't like him? Tough as well.

GP: The IWO Television championship will be on the line when Erik Blake defends against Rob Kestler and you don't want to miss the main event. AWS Man (also known as Bill) faces the IWO World Heavyweight Champion, the self proclaimed self proclaimer Simon Seaman in a non-title match up.

JT: Damn straight. Non-title. Just like it should be. AWS Man (also known as Bill) doesn't deserve a title shot and neither does that ingrateful, sorry excuse for a human being Matt Rivers. Ever since Simon came to the IWO, he has been told to wait his turn. Seaman is doing a favour for Matt Rivers. He's making him wait his turn. Matthew Rivers will get a shot when Simon is good and ready to give him one. It's as simple as that.

Out of nowhere, "Makin' Money" by Handsome Devil blasts through the speakers as the fans get off their seats and hold up their signs anticipating the arrival of Matt Rivers. After a moment, Matt Rivers appears from the entranceway and starts walking down to the ring.

JT: What in tarnation is happening now?

GP: Hey, it's Matt Rivers!

JT: He has no right to be out here right now.

GP: Why not?

JT: He's Matt Rivers. Isn't that enough?

Walking up the steel steps with a somewhat serious look on his face, he pauses to glance at the crowd surrounding him. Entering the ring from between the ropes, he walks over to the edge of the ring and asks for a microphone from the ring announcer. Once obtaining one, he makes his way into the middle of the ring as he recieves an absolutely insane ovation.

JT: Oh please.

GP: Quiet down and hear what he has to say.

JT: This should be quite interesting. Should be as interesting as Mariah Carey in "Glitter 2". Actually, that would be sort of interesting.

Signalling he is about to speak, the crowd calms down as they continue to stand.

Matt: Last week at Hostile Takeover, Simon Seaman told me to stick my nose out of his business. Outright he said to me to stay away or pay the consequences, though you know what I think of Simon Seaman? Simon, you're a liar. A bald face, egotistical, whiny, hyprocrite that thinks his way is the best way. Simon, let me tell you this straight out. Your way absolutely sucks.

A few chuckles and cheers from the Indianapolis crowd are heard.

GP: Here, here.

JT: What do you mean "here, here"? Matt Rivers is the one that's lying.

Clearing his throat, the former North American champion continues.

Matt: For you to come out there and bash High Flyer, who wasn't in even attendance was one thing. You took the easy way out. You knew he wasn't going to show up, so you embarrassed him and got away with it. Though for you to stick your nose into my business is another thing. Not only did you blatantly interfere in a match that you shouldn't have even been involved in, you took that steel chair and struck me square in the skull. To tell you the truth, yes you got to best of me. Yes you costed me the North American title. Yes you showed what you think of me, but how about this for a revelation? I DON'T LIKE YOU.

Hoots and hollers from the ringside fans are heard.

JT: Good. I don't like you either. Glad we're on the same page.

Matt: You might be the IWO World Heavyweight Champion, but just because you are doesn't mean you will be forever. You might have beaten me at Autumn in Hell for that very title, but the question is, can you defeat me again?

Walking over to the corner, he leans against the top turnbuckle.

Matt: The answer to that question is in your hands, so how about it Simon? Do you think you can beat me again? How about we find out tonight? How about it, champ?

Making his way over to the opposite turnbuckle, he stares at the empty entranceway.

Matt: Since you think you're all high and mighty, let's see just how good you really are. You are the champion of the world by the way, am I wrong?

Walking back into the centre of the ring, he continues.

Matt: So wherever you are Simon. Whether you are in this arena hiding from me or on a plane to the moon, just know that I'm calling you out, that's right, you, out in front of all these people. The thing is that I'm issuing a challenge. You cost me the North American title. How about I cost you a title?

Pause

Matt: Simon Seaman, I not only want a world title shot here tonight, I DEMAND a world title shot here tonight. If you don't like that, I don't care. It's not my problem anyway. I have all night. I'm staying put until you show your face. I could go and on about how much I despise you, but I'll keep this simple. Bring your ass out here so I can kick it.

JT: He can't do this. Who does he think he is?

GP: He just did. Too late.

JT: Don't worry, Parker. Simon will answer the challenge. Wait, I guarantee he will show up.

GP: Oh goody, a guarantee from you. That's worth a lot.

As Rivers awaits the champion's appearance, the crowd becomes awkwardly silent. For a while, nothing happens.

GP: Is he even here?

JT: Why don't you wait and see, you impatient impatient guy.

As Simon is nowhere to be seen, Rivers leans against the rope and simpyl shrugs his shoulders with a smirk on his face as the fans start to become impatient as well.

GP: Should we go to a commercial break?

JT: How about I break you, Parker? Be patient.

After a few minutes or so, "Relax" by Powerman 5000 hits the speakers as the fans start to show their hatred. Slowly but surely, we see a dark figure emerge from the back. Finally, as we get a clear view, we see a member of the IWO stage crew wheel an invidual covered head to toe in a full body cast out in a wheelchair. Pratically leaning against the wheelchair instead of sitting on it, the stage crew member kindly puts a headset on him so he can talk.

GP: Is this some kind of joke?

JT: How can you say that? Clearly, the world champion is in a great deal of pain.

As the stage crew member exits to the back, the fans show their hatred for Simon as several fans attempt to throw empty drink containers toward him. The camera catches Rivers rolling his eyes in reaction to this image.

Simon: If everyone could just politely quiet down for a minute. I have something important to say.

The fans simply don't obey and continue to get louder.

Simon: I once again ask if you would all please be silent while I'm talking. My doctor has strictly told me to avoid incessant noise. He stated that if I am exposed to such noise that my injury will be further aggravated due to stress. So if you would please stop your praise and adulation for me for just one minute, I would greatly appreciate it.

With no co-operation from the audience, he raises his voice.

Simon: I SAID SHUT YOUR HOLES!

JT: That's right, shut it. The man is trying to speak.

The loudest chorus of boos echo throughout the entire arena as Simon decides to just talk over all the noise. Eventually, the crowd quiets down.

Simon: Excuse me, Rivers. I have difficulty speaking as my jaw is not aligned properly. I am in the process of getting it fixed. Anyway, Matt Rivers, as you can see, I am in unbelievable pain at the moment from the injuries I suffered skiing. No, I was horseback riding. Wait, it was a horseback skiing accident. Yeah, that's it. To let Rivers and the entire audience know, I was involved in a horrendous accident when the horse I was riding lost his skiis on his way down a slope, catapulting me twenty feet in the air where I fortunately landed in the bushes nearby.

A few laughs from the fans at ringside along with several negative remarks.

GP: Horseback skiing accident?

JT: I know, Parker. It's one of the worst accidents that can occur. Poor Simon. Poor, poor Simon.

Simon: The good news is that I am not injured that badly. The doctor said that I will be as good as new in no time. Thankfully, they didn't have to amputate my face.

GP: They didn't have to what his face?

JT: Do you have to buy a transcript? Understand the words that are coming out of his mouth.

GP: I can't even see his mouth under that body cast.

Simon: Therefore, I am sad to say that I will not be able to compete tonight. Although I'd like to have a match with a competitor of such a high calibre, I regretfully cannot wrestle tonight.

As Rivers throws the microphone down, he paces side to side as the fans simply are furious from the supposed news.

Simon: I'm as depressed as you are. Truly I am.

The camera catches Rivers with an expression of disbelief as he looks on.

Simon: If I wasn't confined to this wheelchair covered in a full body cast, I would make my way to that ring and shake your hand saying that I am deeply sorry for this. If it is any consellation prize, I was really looking to wrestling you tonight.

GP: Yeah, right.

Simon: Though once again, I am in incredible pain. I am so glad you understand. You see Matt, this is why I like you. It is because you are so considerate and sympathetic. You truly care for my well being like I do for yours. You are a stand up guy and I must admit that I made a mistake.

JT: You see, Simon is making an apology? He has more heart than you or any of these Indianapolis imbiscles will ever have.

Simon: Hitting you square in the face with that chairshot again and again and again was a mistake. It was all my fault. I meant to hit Nuke. I really did. If you see that tape over again, I really meant to help you win, but instead you accidentally walked in front of him. I am so sorry. I don't know how sorry I am. If I could turn back time and my goodness, if I could I would, that North American title that sits proudly on the waist of a real competitor would still be yours. I mean, come on. That title, which is in the possession of someone who is worthy of it, should still be with you, yet it is not.

GP: Oh come on.

Once again, the fans show just how much they love his company as Matt scratches his head and makes his way out of the ring. Realizing this, the fans cheer him on as he starts walking over the entranceway as Simon attempts to reason with him.

Simon: Hold on there, Matt. If you want to send me a greeting card, just send it through mail. You don't have to personally hand it over to me.

Inching closer and closer, Simon tries to move, but is unable to.

Simon: Wait one minute before you do what you are going to do. You are going to attack an innocent, honest, caring individual who just came out here to apologize.

GP: Oh, apology accepted mind you.

Simon: Don't you dare make your way over here. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. I have Johnnie Cochran's number on speed dial you know. I've got connections. I've got more connections than you can count.

As two members of security stand beside the ramp holding the fans back, they surprisingly make their way on top of the ramp behind Rivers.

GP: What's this? What is security doing?

All of the sudden, the two supposed members of security take off their hats revealing Beef and El Janito of Mega Job. Sneak attacking Rivers from behind, they start putting the boots to him right there on the ramp as they hear it from the fans. In the background, we see Simon undo his cast, ripping each part piece by piece.

GP: This was a set-up. A god damn set-up.

JT: Can you smell that, Parker. Can you smell it? That's the smell of intelligence and Simon has just shown how much of it he really has.

As Mega Job hold Rivers face down on the ramp, Simon picks out the remaining pieces of cast on his IWO shirt and metallic blue pants. Picking up the headset, he puts it on his head and speaks into it kneeling down to look Rivers eye to eye.

Simon: Look at me, I'm getting my butt kicked? Wait, you mean I'm not getting my butt kicked? Well then I guess it must be you.

GP: This is just sick. I can't believe this.

Standing up, Seaman looks down at Rivers and kicks him in the back of the head for good measure. As Rivers tries to release himself, Simon steps back as he continues to speak.

Simon: When will you learn? Tell me when will you learn? You want to come out here and demand things like you're some kind of big shot? Do you? You just want to throw challenges out in the air wishing for someone to accept? I just gave you the answer that you so desperately needed. What more do you want?

Pacing from one end of the entranceway to the other, he takes a look at Rivers down on the ground shown on the IWOTron.

Simon: You want to become the world champion? Go back in time, say about just before Autumn in Hell, and maybe you'll get one.

JT: Victory is his! YES! This is how it should always be.

Slowly making his way over to him, he gets on all fours as he pulls Rivers' head up by the hair and raises his voice right into his ear.

Simon: If you learn one thing from this lesson, one measly thing, is that you don't mess with the "S". Because if you do, you end up being...Matt...Rivers.

With a few stiff boots to Matt Rivers, Simon tells Mega Job to let him go as he backpedals into the back raising his hands to the fans showing their hatred for him.

GP: That was just horrible. We'll take a break folks. Stay tuned for more Hostile Takeover.

JT: That was the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed. My life is simply complete.

GP: Oh just shut the hell up already.

We see an IWO executive walking through the hallways, carrying a piece of paper. He turns the corner into the lounge, where, sitting on the couch, is former IWO wrestler Gunnar Smith. He's sipping a Mountain Dew, and talking on a cell phone.

Gunnar Smith: What do you mean, the trash company is getting mad? It's not like his yard is that big.

IWO Exec: Excuse me, Mr. Smith?

Gunnar Smith: I'll call you back, Rob.

Gunnar closes the phone and stands up. The exec hands him the piece of paper and points in the general direction of the entrance.

IWO Exec: Go read this. President Ford's too busy, and the two are off planning for the PPV.

Gunnar Smith: What? Why do I have to do this?

IWO Exec: You're the only person allowed backstage that's not doing anything.

Gunnar points across the room, where Mike Extreme is having a conversation with the pop machine.

Gunnar Smith: Oh, and he is?

Mike Extreme: Fuck you.

Extreme picks up the pop machine and leaves.

Gunnar Smith: *sigh*...okay, okay, I'll read it.

Gunnar looks down and reads it.

Gunnar Smith: We here in the IWO staff feel that the match last week on Hostile Takeover between Those Damned Mexicans and the Suicide Kings was unjust and unfair, but there's nothing we can really do, since it happened. Therefore, we will have a match tonight between Those Damned Mexicans and whatever team they want to face. Also, we feel that there is a situation brewing between the members of the Jack Daniels Connection and the Suicide Kings following their tremendous contest at Fear the Darkness, and therefore, we will have a match tonight to settle that dispute between Jack Breaker and Ryan King. Both matches are to take place tonight.

Gunnar sighs again and hands the paper back to the IWO exec.

Gunnar Smith: Don't make me do that again.

IWO Exec: Fine.

The exec walks away as Gunnar goes back to doing nothing, or something.

--
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
--

As the cameras come back from the commercial break, Johnny" by System of a Down starts to play, and the fans start to boo the holy hell out of Those Damned Mexicans, IWO World Tag Team Champions. A HUGE pyro explodes randomly, and TDM walks out. Diablo has the IWO World Tag belt around his waist, and the IWO Black World Tag belt over his shoulder, and Edguardo has the IWO World Tag belt around his neck, and the IWO Black World Tag belt on a leash behind him. One of the fans actually leaps the guardrail and starts attacking TDM!

JT: What the hell is this fan doing? THESE ARE OUR WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

GP: I'd say it's about damn time! GO FAN!

Unfortunately, that fan's 15 minutes of fame are turned into about 30 seconds. Diablo and Edguardo deliver the Mexican Death Drop to him, then pull back the padding.

GP: THIS IS INHUMAN!

JT: That's why it's so great!

Edguardo picks the fan up onto his shoulders in a fireman's carry. The crowd starts to boo even more heavily as Edguardo swings him around in a Mexibuster while Diablo delivers a Diamond Cutter onto the concrete! The Gap Worker comes out with a trash can and a microphone, and the booing escalates.

Gap Worker: Don't mind me, guys. I'm just taking out the trash...

The Gap Worker smashes the mic into the fan's face as hard as he possibly can, and then puts him into the trash can and closes the lid. TDM then throws the can into the crowd. The crowd is chanting, "DIRTY SPICKS! DIRTY SPICKS! DIRTY SPICKS!" as TDM grabs mics.

Diablo: Wow, Edguardo, some people just can't take care of us.

Edguardo: That fan, or the Suicide Kings?

Diablo: Well, just about everyone we've faced.

Edguardo: Speaking of faces, look at this crowd, it's the ugliest one I've ever seen!

This incites the crowd to boo even more.

Diablo: Yeah, you can't really do anything about these guys here in the great, inbred state of Indiana...

At this point, the crowd is booing so much that Evan Levine's reaction sounds like cheers.

Edguardo: Let's see...Indiana is such a crappy state. The last championship team they had was...that's right, never! But don't worry, Indianians, for a championship team is now gracing you with their presence, and that's...

Diablo and Edguardo start to point at themselves.

Diablo and Edguardo: T! D! M!

They pause.

Diablo: Now, we know we have this stupid match that the IWO board wants us to be in to defend our belts. Edguardo and I sat back and we pondered this. Who is a deserving, stable tag team that could hang with us?

Edguardo: And that's when we decided...

Diablo: That our opponents...

Edguardo: Would be the spectacular...

Diablo: Unstoppable...

Edguardo: ...team of Steve the Rambling Communist and Midget Nuke!

GP: WHAT THE FUCK!?

JT: HAHA! YES!

A gasp of irritation comes across the crowd, as TDM drops their microphones. "Oh No, Here Comes A Commie!" by Skrewdriver hits as Steve the Rambling Communist, all of three foot, nine inches of pure, nut-stomping, stepladder-carrying, one-worded dynamite, walks down to the ring to a big pop. He grabs a microphone.

Steve the Rambling Communist: DIE.

Steve pauses, then "Dead Wrong" by Biggie Smalls hits as Midget Nuke, in a Jason-style hockey mask and what can probably be described as his "pissed off" look, comes to the ring. He, too, grabs a microphone.

midget Nuke: SO I GUESS YOU MEXICANS ARE READY TO GET PRISON RAPED, HUH?

Midget Nuke just shrugs and he and Steve the Rambling Communist slide into the ring to face Those Damned Mexicans.

*DING, DING, DING!*

Diablo and Edguardo just let Steve run past them and they shove him out of the ring, then they double-team the obviously-more-dangerous Midget Nuke. They irish whip him in, but Midget Nuke easilly ducks their double kick, then he quickly grabs his trusty baseball bat. Steve climbs back into the ring as Midget Nuke takes a swing at Edguardo's shin. It connects, and Edguardo hops around the ring like an idiot, holding his shin. Diablo spins around, and blocks the followup shot from midget Nuke, but DOESN'T block the great equalizer that is Steve the Rambling Communist's "Clothesline From Shanghai".

JT: OW! Do not adjust your television sets, folks, that really WAS a Clothesline From Shanghai!

Edguardo stops hopping around and manages to spear down Steve. Midget Nuke goes up to the second rope and drops a "massive" elbow on Diablo. He makes the cover.

GP: Elbow drop by Midget Nuke! One... NO! KICK OUT!

JT: Like a midget would ever beat TDM!

Midget Nuke slides out of the ring and pulls what appears to be a child with Down's Syndrome. The crowd simply gasps in shock as Nuke helps him into the ring. The child enters the ring, while midget Nuke eggs him on.

midget Nuke: COME ON, YOU FUCKING PANSY. ATTACK WITH ALL EIGHTY-SEVEN POUNDS OF YOUR MENTAL RETARDATION!!

Diablo walks over and just sort of laughs at the child, but the child quickly lands... THE DOWN'S SYNDROME DRIVER! Well, it's actually a really bad hiptoss, but hey! Edguardo runs toward the child, but he takes a DSD of his own! Then the Down's Syndrome kid gets a fucked up look on his face, exits the ring, and begins hugging people in the crowd. Midget Nuke looks on as this happens and shrugs.

midget Nuke: HRM, I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT. OH WELL I STILL HAVE MY ARMY OF PREGNANT MIDDLE-AGED HAITIAN PROSTITUTES!

Joe Poo comes out from under the ring and tugs on Midget Nuke's pants.

Joe Poo: Um, Midget Nuke? Your entire army of pregnant middle-aged Haitian prostitutes has a simultanious water-breakage and aren't here. All you have left is a sickly squirrel right here.

Joe Poo hands him the squirrel.

midget Nuke: WELL, IN THAT CASE...

Midget Nuke takes the squirrel, looks at it, turns around toward Joe Poo, and dives at him, attempting to shove said squirrel down his throat. He ends up leaving the ring because of this, and Steve the Rambling Communist looks on as this happens.

Steve: CONFUSION.

Steve turns around... only to find himself in midair. Edguardo had lifted him up on his shoulders, then he smashes him to the canvas with the Mexibuster. Seemingly anting to let this be the end, Edguardo picks him back up and sets him up for another Mexibuster. The fans begin booing like hell, wanting TDM to show mercy for the lovable midget, but they're showing none. Diablo's up and adds to the impact of the Mexibuster... with a DDT. The fans' booing is deafining. TDM STILL doesn't go for the cover.

GP: Hey, come on! This is JUST not right!

JT: He's part of Mega Job. He's expendable.

GP: .........well, good point.

TDM picks up Steve again, and nail him with the Mexican Death Drop, a Sky High-Neckbreaker combination, and FINALLY, showing some sort of mercy, they make the cover on the midget.

JT: AH HAH HAH! YEAH! ONE... TWO... THREE!!

*ding, ding, ding*

Meygon: *sigh* Your winners, and still IWO World Tag Team Champi-

Suddenly, "Between Angels and Insects" by Papa Roach hits, interrupting Meygon, and the crowd goes apeshit for the three-time former IWO World Tag Team Champions, The Suicide Kings!

JT: What do they want? TDM has beaten them already!

GP: They want payback! TDM cheated their way to victory!

Jeff and Ryan both have mics. Jeff starts it off.

Jeff King: Diablo, Edguardo, by the power of breakfast cereal, I command you to stop!

The crowd pops. HUGE. TDM grab microphones. They blink a couple of times.

Diablo: And that was supposed to signify...what?

Jeff King: Absolutely nothing! You see, Mexicans, everyone here in Indianapolis...

Speaking of huge pops, the Suicide Kings just got another one.

Jeff King: ...knows that you didn't win those titles fairly! You, Edguardo, used the ropes to take those titles away from us! So...

Ryan King: WE WANT A REMATCH! AND WE'LL SOOOOOOOOO KICK YOUR BORDER-TRASH ASSES!

The crowd roars. TDM looks very pissed-off.

Diablo: You want a rematch? YOU GOT IT!

The crowd roars again.

Diablo: That is, at Utter Obliteration!

That comment drew some major heat. A urinal cake flies into Diablo's head. Diablo shrugs it off.

Diablo: This match can have any stips you want, Gringos! We'll even put BOTH Tag Team Titles on the line! We don't care what you pick, just pick the damn thing!

The Suicide Kings converse amongst themselves for awhile, then stop.

Ryan King: OK, D-average... here's the match that my brother and I have decided upon.

The crowd buzzes with anticipation.

Ryan King: That match...is a TLC Match!

The crowd REALLY GOES APESHIT NOW!

GP: OH MY GOD! A TLC MATCH AT UTTER OBLITERATION FOR BOTH WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES! THIS IS HUGE!

JT: Don't piss your pants, Parker. TDM wouldn't have said any of this unless they could take it!

Diablo: That's just damn fine! But why don't we get a little action going...NOW!

Diablo and Edguardo throw their mics down and slide out of the ring. The Suicide Kings meet them halfway up the ramp, and a brawl ensues! The crowd is cheering their nuts off {at least, the men are} as Jeff beats down on Edguardo and as Diablo attacks Ryan. Refs rush out en masse and break up the brawl. TDM and the Suicide Kings yell at each other, most of it edited out.

GP: Fans, we'll be back after this!

--
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
--

GP: I think it's time for one of those two matches that Gunnar was talking about.

JT: Joy.

"Between Angels and Insects" by Papa Roach picks up, and the crowd pops big for Ryan King as he walks out for his match. Jeff, of course, is accompanying him, and the brothers look more determined than ever.

Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring, being accompanied by his brother Jeff, he weighs in at somewhere in the vicinity of 200+ pounds...RYYYYYYYYANNNNN KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

Ryan slides into the ring, and stares at the entranceway as "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC starts to play. The crowd pops for Jack Breaker of the Jack Daniels Connection as he enters with Rodeo Daniels.

Meygon: And his opponent! Being accompanied to the ring by Rodeo Daniels, he also weighs in somewhere north of 200 pounds, he is JAAAAAACK BREEAKEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

Breaker slides into the ring, and Daniels gets into his corner. Ryan and Jack start things off with a lockup, which Breaker turns into a side headlock. Ryan pushes him into the ropes, and intends to clothesline him to the ground, but there's one thing between him and the clothesline: Breaker's flying elbow smash! Breaker's elbow connects squarely to the ribs, and King gets knocked down.

GP: Powerful offense by Breaker, who is a two-time former World Tag Team Champion himself.

JT: So? TDM beat them!

GP: Will you shut up about TDM?

Breaker turns King onto his stomach applies a hard Fujiwara armbar, and as he stretches back, Ryan grunts in agony. Jeff, Ryan's brother, cheers Ryan on as Rodeo Daniels cheers on Jack Breaker. Ryan reaches out with all his might and is barely able to grab the bottom rope, forcing Breaker to release the hold. As Breaker argues with the referee, Ryan attempts a quick schoolboy!

1!

GP: And a kickout by Breaker! This is some solid action we're seeing!

JT: Psssh...TDM's better.

GP: ...shut up about TDM.

King whips Breaker off the ropes, and takes him down with a drop toe hold. Ryan then applies a surfboard, stretching Jack's arms and back out. Jack grunts in pain, but hooks King's arms and tosses him to the ground. When King charges him again, Breaker uses a side-arm takedown, and reapplies the Fujiwara armbar! Ryan was expecting it, however, and forces Jack to release the hold by tripping out his legs. Ryan grips onto Jack's arm, and lifts him up into a pumphandle backbreaker! Ryan goes for the cover!

1!

2!

GP: And again, Breaker kicks out!

JT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've heard enough about this solid match, Gregory Pumpernickel Parker!

GP: ...Pumpernickel?

Ryan body slams Breaker so that he's perpendicular to the nearest turnbuckle. Ryan then climbs the turnbuckle, and jumps off for the legdrop. But his ass ends up smashing into the ground after Breaker is pulled out of the ring by his partner, Rodeo Daniels!

JT: REF! REF! THAT'S CHEATING!

GP: Oh come on, like TDM won the tag titles fairly?

JT: SHUT UP!

Jeff King notices this, and dashes to meet Daniels. Daniels and Jeff King start to stare each other down, yelling at each other. This gives Jack Breaker time to attempt a quick cover on Ryan King!

1!

2!

No!

JT: I'll agree with you here, Greg...this match is back-and-forth

GP: Finally, an intelligent statement from you!

King armdrags Breaker, then applies an inverted facelock, delivering a reverse vertical suplex onto the ropes! King then underhooks Breaker's arms, and lifts him into the air, holding him there for what seems an eternity before delivering a HUGE pinning underhook powerbomb! This match would be over...

However, the referee doesn't realize this because he's being distracted by Rodeo Daniels. Out of nowhere, "Johnny" by System of a Down starts to play, and the crowd erupts in a barrage of boos for Those Damned Mexicans!


JT: YES! OK, Parker, look at TRUE tag team greatness right here!

GP: Where? If you're talking about Those Damned Mexicans, you need glasses!

The current double-tag champions dash down to ringside, and attack Jeff King! King fights back, but not before getting The Juan and Carlos Tribute Move (Superkick/Spick Kick {bicycle Enziguri kick})! Ryan thinks, "SCREW THE MATCH," and tries to get out of the ring, but Breaker hooks him in.

GP: OH MY GOD! CLOCKWORK DDT (standing tornado DDT)! CLOCKWORK DDT ON Ryan King! TDM HAS JUST SCREWED THIS MEMBER OF THE SUICIDE KINGS OVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

JT: Believe it, Parker! TDM will stop at NOTHING to keep their opponents down!

Breaker gets the cover on Ryan.

1!

2!

3!

DING DING DING!


GP: NO! NOT LIKE THIS!

JT: You can stop screaming, Greggy-poo. The match is over.

Meygon: Here is your winner, JACK BREAKER!

TDM slides into the ring, and Diablo and Edguardo each procure their respective World Tag Team Title. As Ryan King stands up, he is greeted with a double belt shot! Diablo then hooks him in, and drops him with the Firestarter (Rock Bottom to Sky High)! The crowd boos TDM emphatically. Breaker and Daniels are together on the outside, and they start shaking their heads in disgust. They each grab...

A swordfish.


GP: THE JDC HAS SWORDFISH! THE CROWD IS ROARING!

JT: Shut UP!

In slide Breaker and Daniels. As TDM is celebrating in the ring, the JDC sneaks up behind Edguardo, and nails him with the Confishto!

GP: Yeah! That's more like it!

JT: THOSE CHEATERS!

GP: Who's screaming now?!!

JT: YOUR MOM!

Diablo turns around, and he, too, feels the Confishto. However, he gets a little something extra after that. Breaker and Daniels grab his legs, and lift him up in a double wheelbarrow powerbomb across the ropes. In other words, Diablo has just felt the Tequila Sunset.

GP: Oh my God! What will the impact of this be?

JT: I don't know, but the Jack Daniels Connection had better watch their backs, because they've got two pissed-off Mexicans to deal with!

---

The camera cuts back to Nikki, who is interviewing Those Damned Mexicans. The boo of the crowd is tremendous as TDM appears.

Nikki: I'm here with our IWO World Tag Team Champions, Those Damned Mexicans. Diablo, Edguardo, you have just received a Confishto from the Jack Daniels Connec-

Diablo grabs the mic.

Diablo: Lemme talk, you gringo bitch!

This incites even more boos from the crowd.

Diablo: Now anyway. JDC, you've stuck your nose where it doesn't belong. You have just managed to piss us off! This was between us and the Suicide Kings. Now, it's between you and us, too! So at Utter Obliteration, it's us versus you versus the Suicide Kings...TLC MATCH!

The crowd pops crazy. They're so happy, some of them start to dance!

Diablo: But don't think for a moment that you have the edge! Watch your back, gringos...you've pissed off TDM, and TDM doesn't like to get pissed-off! And when you stare us down, know that we're truly SPICK-TACULAR!

Cut back to GP and JT.

---

We go backstage, where we see a man in a plain brown jacket walking down a hallway. In fact, this is the same man who superkicked Gunnar Smith last week on Hostile Takeover. The camera is following him from behind, thus his face cannot be seen. He seems to be holding some sort of envelope in his hand, and he's walking at a steady pace. Suddenly, Gunnar Smith appears from around a corner and confronts him.

Man: Hey! Guns Ablazin', right?

Gunnar Smith: No... it's Gunnar Smith. I, on the other hand, know your name-

Man: Hey, watch it... I can't let anybody know I'm here.

Gunnar Smith: Why? You think you can just superkick me in the face and just walk away from it?

Man: Yeah, well... about that... I'm sorry. It's an instinct, you know? Whenever I step foot in the backstage area of the IWO, my leg gets a little finicky.

Gunnar Smith: I should kick your ass for what you did.

Man: You should, yeah I know. But I don't think you will.

Gunnar Smith: And why is that?

Man: Because I got you this card.

The man in the plain brown jacket hands Gunnar Smith the envelope he had been holding.

Man: Go ahead, open it.

Gunnar Smith opens the envelope, pulls out a card that says "I'M SORRY" on the front, opens it, and begins reading.

Gunnar Smith: To Whom It May Concern, I sincerely apologize for the superkick you received from me last week. I just came to get my watch back, and things got out of hand, I am very sorry. And after careful thought and consideration, I am also sorry for something else...

Gunnar Smith looks confused.

Man: Oh, I ran out of room there... the rest of the message is on the back.

Gunnar Smith turns to the back of the card and starts reading once more.

Gunnar Smith (confused): This?

The man in the plain brown jacket backs up, and once again delivers a powerful superkick right to the jaw of Gunnar Smith. Smith falls down to the concrete, and the man in the plain brown jacket stands over him.

Man: Superkicked once, shame on me. Superkicked twice... that's shame on you, Gunnar!

Gunnar Smith slowly starts to stir, and checks his mouth - it's bleeding.

Man: Honestly, Gunnar... do you REALLY think I came all the way from New Jersey to just pick up a watch? Well, actually, that was my original plan... but I've looked around the lockerroom since last week, and I really don't like what I see. Enough is enough, and it's time for me to make a big, big change.

The man in the plain brown jacket starts to walk away, but notices Gunnar Smith trying to get up.

Man: Oh, here - let me help you up.

The man in the plain brown jacket lifts Gunnar Smith up to his feet, then quickly turns him arounds, hooks his arms behind him, and delivers a Tomokaze onto the concrete floor~!

Man: I'd stay down this time if I were you, Gunnar.

The camera cuts back to ringside as the man in the plain brown jacket finally walks away and out of camera view.

GP: Well, uhm... I think we're being punished for our sins, JT.

JT: Mega Job?

GP: Mega Job.

JT: I have no idea, I mean, this "C.P." guy keeps complaining about Mega Job, after all. Who in the hell IS that, anyway?

GP: Like I have a clue!

"Destro's Secret" by Dillinger Escape Plan hits as Mad Max comes out to a reasonably decent pop. He's holding Bat, as well as what appears to be a miniature guitar.

Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following handicap match is scheduled for one fall... heading to the ring, accompanied by Bat, he weighs a couple of pounds, and he's from some place that I can't remember. He is a former Extreme champion... ladies and gentlemen, he is MAAAAADDDDD MAAAAAXXXXX!!!

Max enters the ring, all while yelling "Hyakugojyuuichi!" at the top of his lungs.

JT: What is this? Battle of the idiots?

GP: Yes.

"Destro's Secret" stops, then "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim begins playing to the delight of the fans in attendance, for Mega Job is OVER WITH THE SMART MARKS. Or something. Anyway, only two members of Mega Job have shown up, as Steve the Rambling Communist is god-knows-where. They hit the ring, though they don't go after Mad Max.

Meygon: ...it's Mega Job, what are you expecting? A PROPER ring introduction?

Meygon leaves the ring, then the bell rings.

*ding, ding, ding*

Mega Job begins to argue about who goes first.

El Janito: You go first, Beef, esse... you're bigger!

Beef: But you're the leader!

El Janito: No no no, you're the leader. I'm just your wacky sidekick.

Beef: That's Steve, dammit.

El Janito: Okay, okay... rock, paper, scissors?

Beef: Fine.

They hit their hands on their palms three times, then they unleash their creations. Janito has paper, though he's holding it above his other hand, while Beef has what appears to be just his middle finger holding out, though in a way that basically says it'll flip himself off instead of anyone else.

Beef: Sherman tank blows up UFO. I win.

El Janito: Nuts.

Janito turns to Max, but he nearly gets his head ripped off by a vicious clothesline. Max shrugs before pulling Beef into the ring and hip-tossing him out of the corner, with authority. Beef oversells it, flopping around on the mat like a fish upon impact. Beef tries to get to his feet, but Max charges in and slams his right knee into Beef's face.

GP: OH! He's gonna feel THAT in the morning!

Max begins hammering Beef's forehead with some closed right hands. Janito gets up, but Max picks him up in a military press. He begins to do reps with Janito's body, as Janito screams "I AM NOT A BARBELL, ESSE!". Beef gets up, so Max throws Janito into Beef, knocking the two of them down. Max then whips out the guitar.

Mad Max: Give me my sweater back, or I'll play the guitar!

Janito gets up.

El Janito: Yo... yo, esse... did you get the license number of the truck that just ran me over?

Max begins strumming some horrible chords out of his guitar, while Beef and Janito scream for mercy, rolling around on the canvas, holding their hands to their ears.

Beef: AH! NO MORE! NO MORE!

El Janito: STOP IT! AHHH!!!!

Beef: THIS IS WORSE THAN HANSON!

Max, offended by this statement, stops playing the guitar and picks Beef up. He then winds up and blasts Beef upside the head with the guitar. The referee was also in pain from the guitar playing, and didn't see this action. With Beef out of the picture, Max picks up Janito and scoop slams him. He then picks up Janito's legs and begins shaking his hips.

GP: What... the...

JT: ...hell?

Max then stomps in Janito's "love machine", causing Janito to flail about on the canvas, holding his nuts. With Beef unconscious, Max picks up Janito and takes him up to the top rope. The fans knew what was coming, but Janito, obviously, did not. He just sat dumbfoundedly on the top rope as Max climbed up to join him.

GP: Uh oh, looks like Max is going for...

JT: ...MANIA! AHHH!!!

Janito's face impacts the canvas from Mad Max's top rope Pedigree. Max gets to his feet, pulls Janito into the center of the ring, and puts a foot on his chest. One. Two. Three.

GP: What a beating.

The pain was over, as Max heads to the back, while the two members of Mega Job moan in pain.

GP: Well, at least it was SHORT, and we didn't get to see the Rice-A-Rooni, thank god.

JT: QUICK! CUT TO COMMERCIAL BEFORE BEEF DOES IT TO SPITE US!

--
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
--

The camera quickly cuts backstage where we see the man in the plain brown jacket about to leave the arena via the loading dock. Of course, the camera is behind him (chalk it up to the slow as hell IWO cameramen). The man is talking on a cell phone.

Man: Oh boy, you should've seen it. That card idea worked like a charm! That look on Gunnar's face was priceless! I totally laid him out again!

The man in the plain brown jacket opens the door to the loading dock and walks through it, while picking at some loose skin on his chin. He's still talking on his cell phone.

Man: I busted out the Tomokaze, did you see it?

A confused look comes over the face of the man in the plain brown jacket.

Man: Wha... what do you mean "where is he now?" I left him laid out in the backstage area, I'm going to assume he's still there!

Suddenly, out from the shadows, Gunnar Smith appears and tackles him into a steel truck loading ramp. Gunnar Smith punches him squarely in the jaw, then grabs him by his shirt collar and starts talking to him.

Gunnar Smith: Listen, pal... you wanted to screw around with me? Is that what you wanted? Well, right now I'm going to give you something right now that I'm sure you've been wanting!

The camera pans around, and tries to get a shot of the mystery man. The audience in the arena gasps as they realize who the man in the plain brown jacket is.

Gunnar Smith: See this, cameraman? It's Dane Wilt! DANE WILT!

The crowd can audibly be heard in the background, "HOLY SHIT!"

Gunnar Smith: And just for the record, I JUST LAID DANE WILT OUT.

Gunnar Smith lets Dane Wilt fall to the ground in a heap, who tries to cover up his face with his hands.

Gunnar Smith: Well, well, well... I guess everybody knows you're here, Dane! I'm so sorry I messed up your little "surprise" return... but now you're going to get more than you bargained for. It's going to be YOUR CHANCE to find out if you really do still have what it takes to be "THE MAN" in the IWO.

The camera zooms in on Gunnar Smith looming over the laid-out Dane Wilt.

Gunnar Smith: UTTER OBLITERATION! GUNNAR SMITH VERSUS DANE WILT! And judging by the amount of shit you've put me through so far, I think it's fair to think that you already accepted my challenge in advance. I'll see you at the pay-per-view, Dane.

The camera quickly cuts back to ringside, as the announcers are reeling from these amazing turn of events.

GP: Dane Wilt!?

JT: DANE WILT!! GOD HAS RETURNED!

GP: Uh, right...

Now the scene cuts right back to the backstage area, where El Janito and Beef, the two larger members of Mega Job, are stumbling around like idiots, trying to shake the cobwebs, as they head back to the locker room.

El Janito: Oy, esse...

Beef: H-hey, Janito... can you still see? My eyes are all blurry and stuff?

El Janito: I'm still seein' nothin' but stars, esse? Ooh! Look! I see Nuke!

Nuke is, in fact, standing in front of Janito.

Nuke: Piss off.

Nuke walks away, as Janito just shrugs. The mere act of shrugging causes Janito to hold his shoulder in pain.

Beef: Man, where the hell is Steve?

El Janito: I think those fake Mexican gringo person guys, uhm... we fought them at the pay-per-view? I forget their names... I think they beat him up.

Beef: Those meanieheads! I should write a full-scale letter writing campaign for no reason whatsoever to express my anger over the situation!

Janito and Beef walk into their locker room. Janito flops down on a nearby bench, while Beef just sort of collapses where he's standing.

El Janito: That Max guy sure plays a mean guitar...

Beef: ON MY HEAD!!

Beef, almost unconsciously, holds his head as he remember Mad Max hitting him over the head with a guitar. He suddenly gets an idea. A very... bad idea.

Beef: Hey, Janito. I've got an idea.

El Janito: Oh, really?

Beef: Let's have a match. Me, you, and Steve.

El Janito: But what would be the point? Steve would beat us, he's the only one among us who doesn't cower in fear, and he's half our size!

Beef: No no no... I have this brainstorm, I thought it up as I was lying unconscious on the canvas while Max was hammering my poor, abused, braincells with what I believe to be a closed right fist. Let's have... uhm... a Mega Job Invintational!

El Janito blinks blankly at Beef. The crowd gives a mixed reaction to this, not knowing what Beef is talking about.

El Janito: ...A what?

Beef: No, really! Hear me out! We make a match for Utter Obliteration, and it'll be me, versus you, versus Steve, and versus anyone that wants to participate in the match, just to beat the crap out of us! And whomever jobs the most times in the match after... let's say, a thirty minute time limit... wins!

Janito sits up and scratches his goatee in thought.

El Janito: Hmm... Beef, that's a most ridiculous, idiotic, dumbassed, ratings-killing, not-worth-the-thirty-dollars-to-order-the-PPV, anti-classical idea I've ever heard in my life.

Janito pauses, and Beef hangs his head in shame.

El Janito: ....I LIKE IT!!

Beef's head picks back up and his mood brightens.

Beef: Wow! You think President Tom would be all for it?

El Janito: Not really, but let's give it a shot!

Beef: Right!

Mega Job, despite their pains, get up, and head to the office of Thomas Ford.

--
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
--

Beef the Slightly Annoyed and El Janito: The Mexican Stereotype. Two names that don't really set the world on fire, but two names that are associated with the force of jobbing that can only be described as Mega Job: The Epic Tag Team. They currently stand in front of Tom Ford's office and are trying to decide who should go in.

Beef: Alright, you go in.

El Janito: No, esse! I had to start against Max, first! YOU go in!

Beef: Yeah, and I get hit over the head by a guitar! You!

El Janito: But I took Max's finisher! You go!

Beef: But I came up with the idea! You go!

El Janito: But you're the leader! You go!

Beef: But your hair in blacker than mine!

El Janito: Your hair is more... standing-straight-upper than mine!

Beef: That can't possibly be a word.

El Janito: Hey! What am I supposed to say?

Beef: That you're going in.

The two members of Mega Job lock eyes, before Janito speaks up.

El Janito: Rock, paper, scissors?

Beef: Okay.

They hold out their left hands and begin smacking them with their closed right hand. Beef has developed what appears to be scissors, except he's not holding the index and middle fingers apart, it's seemingly looking like a gun. Meanwhile, Janito has made a UFO, like before.

El Janito: UFO phases the cannon out of existence.

Beef: DAMMIT!

Beef sighs and walks into Tom Ford's office, as the cameras abruptly go back to the announcers.

GP: Please, god, President Ford... DON'T LET BEEF TALK YOU INTO THIS MATCH!

JT: YES! PLEASE!

GP: Well... uhm... this next match has really no background, no heated rivalries or anything... frankly, the following match is on par with a Mega Job interview or a full frontal lobotomy. Uhm... anyway...

Meygon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it's for the IWO Television championship! Making his way to the ring first, the challenger, Rob Kestler!

Kestler's music hits as he runs down to the ring. A few signs sporting the crowd pops, and derps, and does all kinds of wild wacky stuff as Kestler sort of levitates over the top rope and into the ring.

Meygon: Making his way to the ring next, he is the IWO Television champion, please welcome Erik Blake!

Some stagehand standing slightly offstage blows a few stray soap bubbles across the entrance ramp as Erik Blake steps out to the tune of "Revelation" by D12. One of the soap bubbles lands on his nose and pops, stinging his eye and causing him to scream in agony. Kestler slides out of the ring and throws him in as the bell rings.

GP: Sigh... this match is on. Woo hoo.

Kestler and Blake lock up. Blake applies a front facelock and hooks Kestler's pants for a suplex, but Kestler counters with a cheap kidney shot. He shoves Blake away and brings him to his knees with an axe handle blow to the back of the head. He hooks Blake at the neck and hits a swinging DDT. Blake goes down as Kestler goes up to the top rope, glances around, and hits a perfect flipping knee drop on Blake. He then drops down and tries to apply a Boston crab, but Blake squirms away and pulls himself upright with aid of the ringpost. Kestler charges in with a cross body block, but Blake duckd away and Kestler collides with the turnbuckle. Blake steps up and yanks Kestler's head back, hooks around his neck, lifts and falls backwards in a reverse DDT, but Kestler sort of bounces off his head, arches his back and rolls away. He hooks his arms behind Blake's back in a full nelson, and finishes it with a suplex.]

GP: Ooh. Full nelson suplex. How exciting.

Kestler pulls Blake to his feet, and whips him into the ropes. Blake rebounds and pulls off a desperate clothesline. Kestler hits the mat, and Blake drops an elbow onto his sternum. He manages to lock in a weak ankle lock, but Kestler simply rolls over and catches him in the face with his other boot. Kestler then tries for a german suplex, which he hits.

GP: My God, this is... uhm... something. I dunno.

Kestler and Blake exchange right hands for a bit, then Kestler gets the upper hand with an elbow to the face, boot to the gut, and DDT. Blake gets up, and Kestler takes him back down with a one hand scoop slam. He goes for the quick cover.

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

GP: I knew this would be short... wait a minute! Erik Blake kicked out!

Erik takes Kestler to the back corner with a sudden flurry of punches, shoves him into the turnbuckle, backs up across the ring, and executes a rather nifty running monkey flip. As Kestler hits the mat, Erik pounces on him with a short flying leg drop. Kestler gets to his feet, and Blake sets him up on the turnbuckle for a super backdrop. He lifts him up, and Kestler backflips, lands on his feet, hooks his arms behind Blake's head, and pulls him down off the turnbuckle.

GP: Super Dragon Suplex! All right! Er.. I mean... uhm.. wake meee uppe when it is overe.

JT: Have you noticed that I've said nothing so far? I could be across the street right now getting wasted!

Kestler, by the way, covered Erik.]

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

*THREE!*

*DING DING DING*

Meygon: Here's your winner, and the NEW IWO Television champion, Rob Kestler!

GP: Well! There you have it! A new Television champion crowned tonight! Now let's all go home... or... wait... not.

The scene cuts back to the backstage area, where El Janito: The Mexican Stereotype is waiting on Beef the Slightly Annoyed to come out of President Ford's office. The door opens, and Beef is there, back turned to Janito, as he's still talking to Ford.

Beef: Yeah, thanks, I'll see you later. I guess.

Beef shuts the door and turns to Janito.

El Janito: Well?

Beef: He said that the match would annoy Dane. That's why he's letting us do it!

El Janito: SCORE!

Janito and Beef high-five each other, and they head away.

GP: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

JT: PLEASE, GOD, NOT THAT! WHAT THE HELL IS TOM FORD THINKING!?

GP: I don't know, but you and I are in for some IMMENSE PAIN at Utter Obliteration.

JT: Hold me. :-(

GP: No.

---
** COMMERCIAL BREAK **
---

GP : And now it's time for our main event of the evening, when our World champ Simon Seaman will be taking on recent IWO Grand Slammer AWS Man (also known as Bill).

JT : What, were you going for the most generic introduction possible?

GP : Shut up, JT.

JT : I know you are, but what am I?!

GP : You do realize that made absolutely no sense in that context, right?

JT : Um … takes one to know one!

JT sticks out his tongue at GP.

GP : Yeah, whatever. Let's send it up to Meygon.

Meygon : The following match is set for one fall, and is for … jack s-(BLEEP)-t! Still, most of our fans are too drunk to notice or care, and the ones that aren't can BITE ME! Er, anyway … introducing first, hailing from Freakville, North Carolina, on which I'd be willing to bet good money that it doesn't exist … he's a former World, North American, World Tag, and all the other ones champion, and is the current IWO Extreme champion … he stands at 6'1" and weighs 236 pounds … he's accompanied tonight by The World's Most Dangerous Inanimate Object … he IS the Insane One, AWS MAN (ALSO KNOWN AS BIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL)!!!!

"Three Point One Four" by the Bloodhound Gang plays as AWS Man (also known as Bill) makes his way down to the ring with his Extreme title around his waist, carrying his trusty spatula Pen. He slides into the ring, sets Pen down in the corner, and pokes the turnbuckle a few times for no apparent reason. He then turns and struts to the middle of the ring and raises his arms in the air to the fans, who give him a mixed reaction. The Insane One removes his Extreme title and hands it to the ref, waving goodbye to it and promising that he'll be right back … Well, what did you expect? It's AWS Man (also known as Bill).

Meygon : Next, hailing from Los Angeles, California, the city that never wakes up … he is a former Unified and North American champion, and is the CURRENT IWO World champion … He stands at 6'1" and weights 300 pounds, with hair gel (yeah right) … he's accompanied by no one, except his hair gel, I guess, because if it weighs that much I think it should count as a manager … he is SIIIIMMMOOONNNN SSSEEEEEAAAAAAMMMAAAANNNNN!!!!

"Relax" by Powerman 5000 plays as Seaman walks out with his World title around his shoulder. He struts down to the ring, hair all gelled up and such. Simon climbs up the steps and steps into the ring, taking off his World title and posing with it to the fans. He then hands it to the ref and turns to face AWS Man (also known as Bill), who is talking with Pen in the corner of the ring.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Well, Pen, you make a good freakin' point with your argument that cheddar is the best cheese. However, I stand by my freakin' belief that you can never count American cheese out. It's crafty, like a hamster!

Pen : …

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Oh, match, smatch. I've probably already freakin' won by now without realizing it. (Whispering, except that his whisper is louder than his normal voice) Seaman's really not very good. I think it's because he's Canadian. He pronounces Halloween "Hallowe'en." What a freakin' tard!

The World champion takes offense to this, and charges AWS Man (also known as Bill) with a forearm to the back as the bell to start the match rings.

GP : Oh, come on! That was a cheap shot by Seaman to begin the match!

JT : Well, you have to admit that AWS Man (also known as Bill) was asking for it. He was making fun of Seaman with his spatula!

GP : I don't think Pen was really talking, JT.

JT : How do you know?

GP : (Sigh) Whatever.

Seaman takes the Insane One's head and slams it several times into the turnbuckle. He turns AWS Man (also known as Bill) and whips him towards the opposite turnbuckle. AWS Man (also known as Bill) drops down into a baseball slide to slide out of the ring, but misses … badly. In fact, he missed about as badly as he possibly could have, if you catch my drift. If you don't, think "ring post + between the legs = bad."

GP : Ohhhhhhhh!!! That can't feel good!

JT : What if he's a hermaphrodite?

GP : …Then it would still be bad, dumbass. In fact, that would be twice as bad!

JT : Yeah, I guess.

Seaman pulls the quivering AWS Man (also known as Bill) up by his hair and slams him hard in the face with his elbow. However, since AWS Man (also known as Bill) wears a paintball mask, Seaman staggers back, clutching his elbow.

JT : These aren't the two brightest guys in the IWO, are they?

GP : I wouldn't bet it.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) seizes his opportunity and catches Seaman from behind with a bulldog. As Seaman rolls over, AWS Man (also known as Bill) takes a running start and bounces off the ropes with a springboard moonsault onto Seaman's prone body. The Insane One makes the quick cover.

Ref : 1 … 2 .. (Kickout)

GP : Simon kicks out right after the two.

JT : Of course. AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s a moron to think he had a chance of beating Simon frickin' Seaman so early in the match.

GP : (Stares at JT)

JT : …OK, so he's a moron anyway, but this was especially stupid!

The Insane One stands up and measures up Seaman as he gets to his feet. AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes for the Knock Your Freakin' Head Off (thrust kick), but Seaman ducks and catches him with a Russian leg sweep. As AWS Man (also known as Bill) jumps back to his feet, Simon hits him with a dropkick, knocking AWS Man (also known as Bill) flat on his back.

GP : Seaman's taking it to AWS Man (also known as Bill) right now.

JT : Digging back into your Generic Announcer comment book again, huh?

GP : Well … (Embarrassed) Yes.

The Insane One rolls onto his chest and pushes himself up to his hands and knees, but Simon drops a leg across the back of his head. Seaman waits for AWS Man (also known as Bill) to woozily rise to his feet, and runs at him with a clothesline, but the Insane One ducks down and arm drags Seaman. He sticks his leg out as he does so, dragging Seaman's back onto his knee in a modified backbreaker.

GP : Ooh! That was a pretty nice move by AWS Man (also known as Bill).

JT : Yeah, especially for a complete idiot like him.

The Insane One hops up onto the top rope as Seaman gets back up, and leaps off with a moonsault. Simon catches him and drops him with a sit-out tombstone piledriver. Seaman immediately rolls onto him and hooks the leg for the cover.

Ref : 1 … 2 … 3- (Kickout)

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill) barely escaped the pinfall right there!

JT : Damn! Seaman, hurry up and send this porn-watching reject back to … the porn … mines.

GP : The porn mines?

JT : Shut it, Parker!

Seaman picks AWS Man (also known as Bill) up and knees him in the gut. Seaman hooks the arms and brings him up and over for a double-underhook suplex, but drops him on his head instead in a double-underhook brainbuster.

JT : Yes! That'll do it!

Simon covers, and a space monster flies down and eats all the audience members in the third row … OK, not really, but I felt I needed to make this paragraph more interesting than "Simon covers."

Ref : 1 … 2 … 3- (Kickout)

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill) hangs in there!

JT : Son of a bitch!

GP : Watch your mouth, JT.

JT : That'll probably be hard to do, but if I do, will you stop reprimanding me every time I cuss?

GP : …You're such a moron.

Seaman gets up, slightly frustrated, and begins stomping without mercy on AWS Man (also known as Bill). After almost a minute of this, the fans begin to boo Seaman - partly because they don't like him, and partly because this is making the match pretty damn boring. Seaman smirks towards the fans and lifts AWS Man (also known as Bill) up. He whips him into the ropes and goes for a clothesline, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) ducks and waits for Seaman to turn around. When he does, AWS Man (also known as Bill) stomps on his foot. When Seaman clutches his foot, AWS Man (also known as Bill) pokes him in the eye. As Seaman leaves his foot alone to cover up his eyes, AWS Man (also known as Bill) sticks his right fist out in front of him and hits it from above with his left fist, making his right first circle around and bop Seaman on the head.

JT : Ha! AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s busting out a Three Stooges beatdown on Seaman! … Wait, that's not cool! Damn him!

GP : Shut up, JT.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) jogs around the ring, then abruptly slides out and leaps into the crowd.

GP : Where the hell's he going?

JT : You think I know?

GP : Yes.

JT : Oh … OK, I do. He's going to get a hot dog.

GP : …So he is.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) walks back down to the ring, holding a hot dog. He does his version of taking a big bite out of it, which is shoving it into his mask vaguely near where his mouth would be if he weren't wearing a mask. He then discards the still-uneaten hot dog on the ground and slides into the ring. AWS Man (also known as Bill) walks over to Seaman, who suddenly springs up and nails AWS Man (also known as Bill) in the jaw with an uppercut. The Insane One staggers back before being run over by a clothesline.

JT : Yeah! Show that idiot what he gets for not taking you seriously, Seaman!

GP : In all fairness, I don't think AWS Man (also known as Bill) takes anybody seriously.

JT : True.

Seaman picks AWS Man (also known as Bill) up and goes for an elevated DDT, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) raises his feet up as he comes down and blocks the DDT. He shoves Seaman into the ropes. As Seaman bounces back, AWS Man (also known as Bill) scoops him up into the Drop You On Your Freakin' Face (Emerald Fusion).

GP : AWS Man (also known as Bill) connects with the set-up to his finisher! This match could be just about- What the? What's HE doing out here?

The person to which GP is referring is IWO wrestler Harold Hash, who's making his way down the ramp to ringside. He runs up to the ring and snatches the Insane One's spatula Pen out of the corner of the ring, then backs a little up the ramp, still facing the ring. AWS Man (also known as Bill), still unaware to Hash's actions, gesture to the top rope for the Win the Freakin' Matchifier. He turns to scale the turnbuckle, and notices Hash in doing so. He then sees what Hash is holding in his hand, and points at Hash, yelling something that the camera can't pick up. He moves closer to the ring ropes, where the camera can pick up what he's yelling.

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Hey! Give my freakin' spatula back now, Hash!

Hash : NO!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : I'm warning you, mister! Don't make me freakin' come down there!

Hash : You're not the boss of me!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Yes I am!

Hash : No you're not! And you stole my gimmick of watching porn, too!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : I was here freakin' way before you!

Hash : Then you must have a time machine, because that's MY GIMMICK!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Blasphemer!

Hash : Double blasphemer!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Triple blasphemer, with a side of freakin' North Carolina barbeque!

Hash : AAAAAAGHHHHH!! You know I hate North Carolina barbeque, you bastard! You'll pay for that!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Oh yeah? Who am I gonna pay? Susan freakin' Sarandon?

The Insane One laughs like crazy, actively ignoring the fact that his joke made no sense.

Hash : Just turn around!

AWS Man (also known as Bill) : (Squealing like a schoolgirl) Oooh, present!

The Insane One whirls around, expecting to find some kind of gift. Instead, all he gets is a Silencer (top rope Blockbuster), courtesy of Simon Seaman, who had gotten to his feet and climbed to the top rope while AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Hash were arguing. Seaman makes the cover.

Ref : 1 … 2 … 3!

The bell rings and Seaman stands up, getting his arm raised in victory by the ref. Harold Hash walks backwards up the ramp, nodding, and with Pen still in his hand. He turns and leaves as Seaman's music starts playing and Seaman rolls out of the ring to go back up the ramp.

GP: ...what, in the hell, was that all about?

JT: I dunno, but... WAIT! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! RIVERS IS OUT HERE!

Rivers jumps over the guardrail right behind Simon Seaman and clubs the IWO World Champion from behind, sending Seaman toppling onto the entry ramp. As Seaman gets up, Rivers knocks him upside the head with another right hand. Seaman backpedals some more, heading to the elevation that's at least eight to ten feet up from the concrete floor.

GP: Uh oh, this isn't good.

Rivers nails him with another right hand, then hooks Seaman for the Mental Anguish, off the top of the place, but Seaman blocks and elbows Rivers in the back of the head. The fWo Survivor particpant holds his head in a daze, then Seaman takes a step back, grabs his World title that had fallen off of his shoulder, and smashes Daze with it, knocking him off of the entry ramp and through some tables below.

*CRUNCH!*

The fans start booing the hell out of Seaman for this, who just starts laughing while holding his World title high into the air.

JT: My god! Seaman just knocked Rivers off of the entry ramp!

GP: But we're out of time!

JT: What? DAMN IT!

HT fades out while the camera watches the EMTs try to revive Matt Rivers from the table wreckage.

--- fin ---