(Three heartbeats are heard in the background, as we see the Monday Night Meltdown logo fade up onto the screen. Then, in white new times Roman font, "Mall Brawl Aftermath" flies across the screen over the Monday Night Meltdown logo, and we fade to several clips of Mall Brawl. Freeze frames of Lexian holding the Television title in front of Styles, of AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) riding the elevators in joy, of midget Nuke driving around the mall in Malones car, and finally, Joey Malone laying on the pavement, 5 inches away from entering the mall and winning the title again. Then, we fade backstage, where we see Kent Anthason in his locker room, with bandages wrapped around his leg. He's got his wrestling attire on as well. Beads of sweat run down his body as he paces back and forth, in a lobbing sort of walk.) |
Kent Anthason - Fuck... I need a doctor. I can't wrestle like this. I can barely walk, let alone wrestle. How the hell am I gonna manage to beat a 7'2 freak of nature?
(The scene cuts to Joey Malone, sitting at the arena snack bar, watching Mall Brawl V for probably the 71st time. He has a fruit roll up sticking out of his mouth as he watches the match again, in a mindless daze.)
Joey Malone - There's something that just isn't right about this match. Something that just does not fit. And I'm gonna find out what the hell that is.
(We cut to Nuke, in a shaded area of the arena. He's holding his Extreme belt, and gently petting it.)
Nuke - ... I hate these gay aftermath specials, don't you, midget Nuke? Where the fuck is that little guy? Oh, probably violating teenagers. That crazy wee man.
(Nuke continues to look psychotic as we fade to the Monday Night Meltdown theme...)
("Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N Roses plays in the background as we see scenes from Monday Night Meltdown past flash across the screen, then we fade to the audience, holding up signs such as "midget Nuke is a Nazi", "Lexian 2:21 says... fuck if I know", "Whatever happened to Al Coholic?", "High Flyer - SELL ME SOME FUCKING SNOW" and plenty of signs with the word penis written on it. Apparently, they are playing the penis game with signs, now. We fade to the announcers table.)
GP - Hello and welcome to tonight's installment of Monday Night Meltdown!
Shallow - It's Labor Day today, but does Jamie care?! Hell no!! He makes us work like his little IWO sex slaves.
GP *ignoring him completely*: ANYWAY, we have an excellent show here tonight! A School Yard Schuffle, Extreme title on the line! Nuke v. Dreamt! And a WORLD TITLE main event! Kent Anthason v. The Mysterious Birdman! And we've got plenty more action, just don't change that dial! We'll be right back!!
JT: Labor Day sucks balls.
[All of a sudden, "I am your Boogie Man" By White Zombie starts to play as the fans all start to boo like they always do. With a flash of the lights, Evan Levine the CEO of the IWO makes his way out to the ring]
GP: Well here comes Evan.......oddly we haven't seen him come out here much over the past months.
Shallow: Because he's been playing games back there with the rest of the staff.
JT: I heard he beat Jamie 20 times in Super Smash Bros!
Shallow: Yea well I heard that Jamie beat Evan in that Marry Kate and Ashley game.
[Levine gets into the ring as he takes the mic from Meygon. He looks around and smiles as he talks]
Evan: Hello and welcome to my show!
[The fans boo]
Evan: Now.....don't boo me tonight because tonight I have a treat for all of you. Tonight I have brought someone back to the IWO that hasn't been here in a long time. Tonight I brought back a very famous wrestler.
GP: Who could it be?
JT: Phelen Kell?
Shallow: Dane Wilt?
Evan: Tonight I have brought back ONSLAUGHT!
[Everyone in the building gets silent. No one is talking they cant understand why Evan would bring back that moron]
GP: ONSLAUGHT! WHAT THE HELL!
JT: That's it Evan has lost it. I knew one day he would bring the death of the IWO!
Shallow: Hey Onslaught was a good wrestler when he wasn't bitching complaining and starting fights with everyone and not getting over with the fans.....plus his in-ring work was so bad. He sold to no one and thought he was cool.......WHAT THE HELL IS EVAN THINKING!?!?
Evan: Ladies and Gentleman I give you ONSLAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
["Disposable Teens(Instrumental)" by Marilyn Manson. starts to play as the fans boo so loud that it would pop someones ear drums. All the lights in the building go out as one spotlight goes down on the ramp. Then all of a sudden from nowhere out walks a REALLY FAT, UGLY, BOLD, OUT OF SHAPE, Hasn't seen his balls in 3 years, has to buy pants from fat Albert, missing teeth, wearing close that couldn't fit him if he lost 300 pounds black man.]
The Announcers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The Fans: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GP: WOW Onslaught looks to be in the best shape of his life!
Shallow: It looks like he's been working out.
JT: Ummmm.......guys that's not Onslaught.
Shallow: NO SHIT ITS A JOKE DUMB ASS!
JT: I knew that [rubbing his head]
[As the fake but really life like Onslaught gets into the ring the fans are still cracking up. The ring starts to collapse as the workers start to fix it as the fake Onslaught walks over to Evan]
Evan: Tell me Onslaught how does it feel to be back here in the IWO?
Fake Onslaught: I HATE IT HERE.....I get yelled at for not selling and being a dick....HOW DARE THEY! [Fart]
[The fans at ring side faint]
Evan: Damn that's the best smelling thing to come out of you in years.
[The fans laugh]
Evan: So Onslaught.......why do you think your so great?
Onslaught: Because I know everything (pulls a full size chicken out of his arm pit) And I have a appetite for knowing when people love me. Everyone over at EWN loved me...but the IWO treated me so bad......they gave me like 3 chances before they were about to fire me....SO I QUIT!!! Then checked into rehab for a marker sniffing addiction.
Evan: What do you have to say to the people that stand in your way here in the IWO?
Onslaught: Im going to role over the talent here like I was 1000 pounds......
Evan: You are 1000 pounds.
Onslaught: HOW DARE YOU TELL THE TRUTH......YOU KNOW TO HANG WITH ME YOU HAVE
TO TELL LIES!
Evan: My Bad......
Onslaught: Look the IWO talent might be able to beat me like a little baby and the IWO talent might make me look like a fool.....BUT I HAVE A G.O.A.T!!!
Evan: Dont you mean "I AM THE G.O.A.T.!!!"
Onslaught: No I have a Goat in my car im going to eat him after I leave here.
[The camera cuts to a car in the back to show a live goat sitting in a car. It then cuts back to Evan and the fake onslaught.]
Evan: Well that's nice to know onslaught, but I got a surprise for you!
Onslaught: YAY......WHERE IS IT!
[bounces up and down shacking the whole ring....Evan almost falls over]
Evan: Its not here.....you have to come with me to get it!
Onslaught: NO I WONT LEAVE!!! I NEED TO GET MY ASS KICKED BY EVERYONE!
Evan: Come on!
Onslaught: NO!!!! NEVER!
[Evan pulls out a chicken leg and waves it in front of Onslaught]
Evan: Now ya going to come?
Onslaught: Yes master!
["I am your boogie man" starts to play again as Evan and Onslaught get out of the ring. Evan keeps the chicken leg in front of him the whole time as Onslaught waddles after it]
GP: HAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS MORE LIKE ONSLAUGHT THEN THE REAL ONE!
JT: I thought it was the real one!
GP: Fans will be right back!
[The scene cuts to the back were we see Evan tossing the chicken leg into the back of a U-Hall. Onslaught jumps at it and once he hits the U-Hall the force from his weight sends the ford attached to the U-Hall flying up and over the U-Hall.]
Evan: Damn that is one fat ignorant fuck.
[Evan locks the U-hall.]
Evan: Yo PLAN B!
[Two workers run up as a crane lowers a hook. The two workers attach the hook to the U-Hall and they pick up the U-Hall and stick it in a big rig. Evan gets into the big rig and starts to drive off as the scene fades out]
[Cuts to a PPV Promo]
[The show comes back on as we see a shot of the big rig going down the highway with sounds of a monster in it and the back of the truck dragging and giving off sparks]
[The scene cuts back to the building were we see a bunch of people standing around a TV watching this. As they all laugh, Jamie walks up to the TV to see what's going on]
Jamie: What's going on?
Eric Blake: Evan is completely making fun of Onslaught.
Jamie: Oh......good.....im going to go play games.
[As Jamie starts to walk away, he falls down screaming]
Jamie: AHHHHH MY LEG!!!!!!!
[The wrestlers walk over to Jamie and help him up......but he doesn't seem to be able to walk.]
Shawn Arrows: What's wrong Jamie?
Jamie: I pulled my hamstring!!
Ben Archer: You need to work out more! Your body is telling you something.
Jamie: What is it telling me?
Discord: That your a nerd!
Jamie: HEY SHHHHH!!!!
[The scene cuts back to the ring as EMT's work on the nerd......I mean Jamie.]
GP: This is Monday Night Meltdown and welcome to it! A packed house is here tonight and what a show we have for you! Four big title matches which include a main event featuring the champion, Kent Anthason versus the Mysterious Birdman.
Shallow: Coming off Mall Brawl and Heatstroke, new champions have been crowned and things are starting to heat up.
JT: If you lived in a country with one television that was capable of showing only one Pay-Per-View, it would have have to been Mall Brawl.
("Scream" by Micheal Jackson and Janet Jackson blares through the speakers as the fans get up and cheer for the new North American Champion. Simon Seaman emerges from the back with a obvious limp and the title around his waist.)
Meygon: This match is set for one fall and is for the IWO NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP! Coming to the ring is the champion. Standing 6'1'' and weighing 233 pounds, hailing from Los Angeles, California. THE CHAMPION...SIMON SEAMAN!
(The crowd pops loudly as Simon makes his way up the steel steps and poses on the ring apron facing toward the fans, before slowly entering the ring between the ropes.)
GP: This man is nothing short of superhuman. Not only did he wrestle in one of the most grueling ladder matches known to date, he was one of the suprise participants in Mall Brawl 2001 and here he is tonight as the North American Champion.
JT: Ben O'Connor was absolutely robbed at Heatsroke. He could have easily won the Unified title.
Shallow: Well he's getting a chance at North American gold, so shut the hole in your face.
('Because We Can' by Fatboy Slim is heard throughout the arena as fans show their hatred for the challenger. Ben O'Connor walks down to the ring and takes out a microphone and stops right there in the middle as.)
Ben O'Connor: You know, Simon. You might have...
(Drowned out by boos, O'Connor looks at the fans with disgust and tries to continue.)
Ben O'Connor: You won that ladder match and you might have the North...
(Another chorus of boos drowns out the voice of O'Connor.)
Ben O'Connor: Shut up. Just shut up. Anyway, Simon Seaman. You might not be able to comprehend this, but tonight, I will beat you here tonight in front of all these ignorant Americans in this god forsaken city whether you like it or not.
(Inside the ring, Simon walks over to the ring announcer and grabs a microphone of his own and interrupts O'Connor.)
Simon: Hey, hey, hey. Hold on just one minute, Crapodile Dundee.
JT: Did he just say Crapodile?!
Shallow: Wow, you win a prize. Yes, he said Crapodile.
(The fans take a liking to the previous remark and cheer the champ on as Ben O'Connor just looks at Simon with a angry glare.)
Simon: You've got everything backwards, Benjamin. I think you've had a bit too many shots to the head. Every single person in this arena knows and I know that there is no way that you are going to defeat me. I gave you one chance to beat me and look what happened. You got your butt kicked. It might not be Christmas, but I'm giving you a shot at another title because I feel like it? Why? Well I feel sorry for you. Did a dingo eat your baby?!
(O'Connor throws down his microphone in frustration as the fans pop.)
Simon: Good luck to you, sir.
Simon: Oh yeah, one more thing. You might be Australian, but you're in my continent now.
(O'Connor sprints into the ring, but is caught by a series of boots by the champ. The ref signals to start the match.)
GP: Here we go folks!
(Simon takes off his title and throws it to the side as O'Connor crawls to the corner of the ring. Seaman lifts O'Connor up and executes a kinfe edge chop before whipping the challenger into the opposite corner. Seaman runs at O'Connor with a head of steam and clotheslines the challenger to the ground.)
Shallow: Seaman comes into this battle wrestling not one, but two matches at the PPV. You have to believe that Simon will be running on nothing but adrenaline.
JT: Yes, but is that enough to defeat the best Australian wrestler ever to grace his presence in an IWO arena?
(O'Connor is up and is whipped into the ropes as Simon sidesteps and throws O'Connor over the top rope and onto the floor. Droppin down to the ground, the champ nails O'Connor with a couple of stiff rights and proceeds to guide O'Connor to the announce table and slam the challenger's head against it. With O'Connor staggering on his feet, Simon walks around the announce table, grabs JT's headset and puts it on.)
Simon: Watch the ratings go up.
(Simon slams O'Connor's head into the announce table yet another time.)
Simon: Four point five, five, six, six point five. Thank me later.
(Throwing the headset away, Simon throws O'Connor back into the ring and re-enters himself. O'Connor gets up and takes a swing at Seaman, but Seaman executes a reverse DDT.)
JT: How dare he take my headset. Who the hell does he think he is?
GP: Better than you. Actually, everyone is better than you.
(Seaman picks up O'Connor and whips him into the ropes, but O'Connor comes back with a kick followed by a flying forearm. With Seaman down, O'Connor jumps up and looks at the crowd as they show their adulation for him with a chorus of boos. As Seaman gets up, he is whipped into the ropes by O'Connor. O'Connor slams Seaman down with a tilt-a-whirl suplex followed by a cover.)
(Seaman slowly gets up, but is met with lefts and rights by O'Connor. Seaman takes a swing at O'Connor, but the challenger reverses that into a release german suplex sending Seaman to the other side of the ring.)
JT: What strength by O'Connor!
(Bouncing off the ropes and executes a big leg drop over Seaman's windpipe. As Seaman struggles to get on his knees, O'Connor helps him up and bounces off the ropes again with a spinning neckbreaker followed by another cover.)
(O'Connor slaps the mat in frustration and pulls Seaman up from the canvas. He whips the champ into the turnbuckle and charges him, but Seaman gets a boot up and hits O'Connor in the jaw. Seaman charges at O'Connor with a clothesline, but O'Connor hooks him and drops him down with a full nelson slam that echoes throughout the arena.)
Shallow: He just dropped him down like he was a child!
(O'Connor pulls Seaman up as the champ tries to kick the challenger in the mid-section, but O'Connor grabs him by the foot, spins him around executes a sambo suplex as Seaman right leg slides underneath him rather ackwardly.)
GP: Seaman could have re-aggravated that injury he suffered at Heatstroke right there. He's got to be careful.
(As the ref checks if Simon is all right, O'Connor walks up to the ref, shoves him aside and proceeds to apply a figure four leg lock in the middle of the ring on Seaman. With Seaman cringing in pain, he attempts to reach the ropes, but is unable to. With Seaman's shoulders down on the mat, the ref counts.)
(Seaman gets the shoulder up in the last second as he now tries to move over to the ropes using his arms to try to crawl over.)
JT: Ben O'Connor is not just wrestling well, he is wrestling smart. Something that Simon has yet to present.
GP: What great words of wisdom. Two people heard you.
(With the ropes far from reach, Simon tries to turn over and reverse the hold. The crowd gets behind the champion as he turns to the right, forcing O'Connor to move with him. Unable to turn him over, Simon's shoulders are down on the mat as the ref makes the count.)
(Simon pulls himself up and makes one last effort to turn him over. Suddenly shifting to the left, he turns O'Connor face down and reverses the hold. O'Connor cringes in pain as he panics and tries to get to the ropes.)
Shallow: He's got him here! He could make him tap out right here.
JT: Come on O'Connor! Get to the ropes.
(Crawling to the ropes, O'Connor drapes his arm over the bottom rope as the ref tells Simon to release the hold. Seaman and O'Connor slowly get up as they exchange lefts and rights. Seaman executes a stiff right, but O'Connor blocks it and nails Seaman with a brainbuster. Taking a breather, he chooses not to make the cover.)
JT: Cover him! Cover him damn it!
GP: Is Ben O'Connor's strategy by any chance to lose?
(O'Connor slides out of the ring and walks over to the timekeeper's table and grabs the North American title. As the fans heckle the challenger, O'Connor slides the belt into the ring and enters. The ref sees it and picks it up. O'Connor walks over to the ref and tries to take the belt, but a tug-o-war ensues. As Seaman gets up to a standing position, he walks towards O'Connor and tries to attack him, but O'Connor gets a mule kick not seen by the ref as Simon limps in pain.)
Shallow: What a cheap shot. What a great strategy. Damn it!
JT: Hey, Ben O'Connor is doing what he needs to do to win. Whatever it takes, at any expense, he wants to come out the victor.
(O'Connor leaves the title with the ref as the ref throws the title out of the ring. Walking over to Seaman, he kicks him in the midsection and sets him up. O'Connor signals to the crowd and executes a powerbomb, but Seaman amazingly reverses that into a facebuster sending O'Connor crashing to the mat. Both men lay on the canvas to regain their composure. O'Connor is the first to get up and tries to nail Simon with a punch, but Simon hooks
O'Connor's arm and goes for a crucifix pin.)
(O'Connor and Seaman jump up. As O'Connor walks over to Seaman and gut wrenches, but Seaman reverses with a gut wrench of his own. O'Connor bounces off the ropes front first with Seaman still holding on as the champion rolld O'Connor over and goes for another pin.)
GP: The champion has got his second wind. Let's see if he can capitolize.
(O'Connor slowly gets back up as Seaman stands on the ring apron and waits. As O'Connor turns around, Seaman executes a springboard missile dropkick followed by an unorthodox half crab with armlock submission move. The ref checks O'Connor if he wants to quit, but O'Connor scurries over to the ropes as Seaman is forced to break the hold. With O'Connor gradually getting up on two feet, Simon bounces off the opposite ropes and catches O'Connor with a tornado DDT. With the fans behind him, Seaman gets up and runs to the ropes to execute an Asai moonsault and a cover.)
JT: These two guys have great tenacity, but it's clear who the better man is. None other than Mr. Benjamin O'Connor. He not only got out of one pin, not only two pins, not only three pins, but multiple pinfall attempts.
(With O'Connor up, Seaman whips him into the turnbuckle and runs at him, but O'Connor reverses with a boot of his own and shoves Seaman into the turnbuckle. With a few knife edge chops, O'Connor proceeds to lift Simon up onto the top turnbuckle. Climbing up it, O'Connor hooks Simon up for a superplex, but Simon doesn't budge. O'Connor attempts for a second time, but Simon blocks it. A third time isn't successful as Seaman punches O'Connor in the midsection and reverses the attempt into a reverse suplex that sends O'Connor crashing to the canvas. As O'Connor gets up and staggers around the ring, Simon perches himself on the top turnbuckle in waiting.)
GP: This could be the Silencer here.
JT: Look behind you O'Connor! Look behind you!
(As O'Connor turns his back, Simon executes the Silencer as the fans get up from their seats and cheer wildly.)
Shallow: SILENCER! SILENCER! SILENCER!
(In obvious pain, Simon hooks both legs for the cover as the fans count with the ref.)
JT: Come on and kick out! KICK OUT!
GP: Simon has done it again!
("Scream" by Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson is heard throughout the arena as Simon struggles to pull himself up as the ref raises Simon's hand and hands him the title.)
Meygon: The winner and STILL IWO NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION...SIMON SEAMAN!
GP: What a way to kick off Meltdown!
(The fans cheer loudly as Simon slides out of the ring and takes a breather at ringside as we see Ben O'Connor motionless on the canvas.)
JT: Best two out of three! Come on ref!
Shallow: There's a lot more to come here, folks. Stay tuned and we'll be back right after the break!
[The scene cuts to the back as we see some woman walking around. She walks into the make up room to find Discord sitting there getting make up put on. The woman walks into the room and sits down.]
Woman: Hi im Jessica.
[Discord looks over to her and then looks back to her book.]
Jessica: Im new here in the IWO......Shawn Arrows brought me here.
Discord: That's nice.
[Discord gives here the cold shoulder as Jessica starts to look weird at here.]
Jessica: And you are?
Discord: The main woman around here so learn your role.
[Discord turns her seat away from Jessica.]
Jessica: Well ok then.....ummmm could you at least hand me that drink right there?
[Discord looks over to Jessica and gives her a look of "Why are you even talking to me"]
[Discord hands Jessica the drink but Jessica doesn't grab it and the drink spills all over Discord who jumps up screaming. Jessica backs away towards the door laughing.]
Discord: IM GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS YOU BITCH!
[Cuts to a Russia On Line add]
[The show comes back on the air with a shot of a cliff....here we see the big rig parked and sitting there. Evan gets out of it and grabs a poll with a chicken leg tied to it. He goes around and lets Onslaught out of the truck.]
Evan: Where here!
Onslaught: FOOD!!!!!! I NEED FOOD!!!!!! ITS BEEN almost 15 minutes!
Evan: You want this chicken leg?
Onslaught: GIVE ME!!!!!!!!! I AM THE G.O.A.T!!!!!!!
Evan: What the hell does that mean? I swear to God that's dumb as hell....here you want this go get it!
[Evan tosses the chicken leg off the 200 ft cliff and onto jagged rocks.]
[The fake Onslaught then jumps off the cliff after the chicken to his death!]
Evan: Maybe for good measure we should drop a house on him.
[Evan gets back into the car and drives back to the building as the scene
cuts to the ring]
GP : OK, folks, it's now time for Nuke to defend his Extreme title against Dreamt.
JT : Dreamt? Who the hell is that?
GP : Um, he's some new guy.
JT : So why is he getting an Extreme title shot in his first match?
GP : Hmm ... I'm not sure.
JT : Oh well, it's not like he'll win anyway.
Shallow : He could.
JT : Yeah, sure. A rookie winning a match, that's a good one.
Shallow : Rookies win matches all the time. Nuke was a rookie not too long ago.
JT : No he wasn't.
Shallow : Yuh-huh. All wrestlers are rookies at one point.
JT : (Gasp) You lie! YOU LIIIIIIEEEEE!!!
GP : Remember, this match is going to be taking place in a local high school. So without further adieu (and yes, that is how you spell it, you unenlightened ignoramuses!), let's get to the introductions.
(The IWO-Tron shows the empty lobby of a school. It is a wide lobby, with the gym along one side and on the other, a hall leading off and windows showing a courtyard. At the end the camera is facing, there are glass doors leading into the school. Back at the arena, Meygon is standing in the ring, as usual wearing the legal minimum of clothing allowed on television.)
Meygon : Introducing first, the IWO Extreme champion ... hailing from Long Island, New York ... standing at 6'4", and weighing 240 lbs. ... the master of the Burning Psychosis, as well as several other scary-sounding moves ... NNNNUUUUKKKKEEEEE!!!
(The camera remains fixed on the glass doors as "American Psycho" by D-12... but nobody enters the school.)
Meygon : (After several seconds) I said, the IWO Extreme champion, NNNNNNUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEEE!!!
(Once again, nobody comes through the doors.)
Meygon : Oh, fine, be that way. And his opponent, if Nuke ever shows up ... I know about as much about this guy as I do about dressing like a lady, so I'll just skip to his name ... DDDDRRRRRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAMMMTTTT!!
(As before, the lobby remains empty. After several seconds, though, we see Nuke round a corner of the building outside, holding Dreamt by the hair and tights. With a yell, he runs towards the glass doors, and chucks Dreamt
through one of them.)
GP : OH! What a way to start this match! Dreamt is already down and out!
JT : Haha, that's what he gets for being a stupid rookie.
(Nuke calmly steps through one of the other doors and walks, humming, over to Dreamt. He picks him up and starts pummeling him, causing Dreamt to start backpedaling.)
Shallow : Well, Nuke's giving Dreamt quite a beating here in the newcomer's first IWO match.
(Nuke has led Dreamt to about midway down the lobby now. At the opposite end from the entrance the lobby narrows into a hall. Along the wall at the end of the lobby are a candy machine and a drink machine. Nuke takes Dreamt and whips him towards the candy machine, but Dreamt reverses and sends Nuke crashing into the candy dispenser.)
GP : Well, Dreamt just got some offense in this match, which is kind of surprising considering he was just thrown through a glass door.
JT : It won't last long.
(Candy begins spilling out of the machine, caused by Nuke's impact with it. Nuke grabs a packet of Skittles and rips it open, sending the tiny fruit-flavored treats skittering across the floor. Dreamt steps on some as he nears Nuke, and his feet slip out from under him.)
JT : Silly rookie, Skittles are for kids!
Shallow : That's Trix.
JT : Same thing.
Shallow : No, not really.
JT : Look, it works with all fruit-flavored things!
Shallow : Even fruitcake?
JT : Especially fruitcake!
Shallow : Ah ha! No one likes fruitcake, especially not kids! I have defeated your logic!
JT : ...You're gay.
Shallow : Awww.
(Nuke picks up a Twix bar that's lying next to him. He grabs it by the end of the wrapping and walks over to Dreamt, who's still struggling to get up. Nuke then begins viciously whipping Dreamt with the Twix. Dreamt begins screaming as the sharp corners of the plastic wrapping begin leaving paper cuts in his skin.)
Nuke : Twix : One for me, one up your ass, bitch!
JT : Hahaha! It's funny because there's violence involved...
Shallow : You're a sick man, JT.
JT : OK, do you guys have to point this out every single match? I KNOW.
(Nuke picks Dreamt up by the hair and starts leading him down the hall towards the cafeteria. At the same time, he opens the Twix and begins eating one of the bars.)
Nuke : Mmm, love that cookie crunch.
Dreamt : Can I have one?
Nuke : No!
(Nuke smashes Dreamt's head into the wall, then resumes eating the Twix as he continues leading Dreamt by the hair towards the cafeteria. He kicks open the door and enters the eating area. Nuke looks around, then throws Dreamt over one of the tables. Nuke finishes the first bar, then walks over to Dreamt, who's struggling to get up.)
JT : Man, I wish I had a Twix right now.
GP : Shut up, JT. We've told you, you can't eat food while you announce.
JT : But that's not fair! Nuke gets to eat while he wrestles.
GP : Then maybe you should become a wrestler.
JT : Well maybe I will!
Shallow : No you won't.
JT : (Disappointed) I know.
(As Nuke goes to pick up Dreamt, Dreamt pokes him in the eyes. Nuke staggers back. Dreamt runs and tackles him, and then tries to wrestle the Twix bar out of Nuke's hands.)
Dreamt : Let me have it!
Nuke : No! It's mine! I bought it!
Dreamt : No, you stole it from the machine! C'mon, I'm hungry!
Nuke : Oh, you really want it? Fine!
(Nuke headbutts Dreamt, who falls back off of him. Nuke get on top of Dreamt's chest and shoves the Twix bar down Dreamt's throat so that it starts to choke him.)
Dreamt : Mmhmmphmmhmm!
Nuke : What?
Dreamt : Mmhmmmmmphm!
Nuke : Sorry, can't quite hear you.
Dreamt : Mmhmhmhmphmhmhm!
Stone Cold Steve Austin : What? What? What? What? Huh? What? What's that? What? What? What? Wha-
Nuke : DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!
(Nuke leaps off of Dreamt, runs, jumps off of a lunch table, and delivers Silent Screams (flying somersault DDT) to Austin.)
Shallow : Thank God. Damn, that was annoying.
GP : And random.
Shallow : Yeah, that too.
(Nuke turns to see Dreamt running towards him. Nuke bends down and sends Dreamt flipping over his head with a back body drop. Dreamt crashes down through a table.)
GP : That'll give you Excedrin Headache Number 9.
(JT and Shallow both turn and stare at GP.)
GP : Um ... sorry?
(JT and Shallow both leap on Parker. After a few moments, GP has been hogtied and gagged. JT apparently carries rope and electrical tape in his pocket.)
JT : Sorry, Greg, but we've warned you about that before. I mean, quoting JR is bad enough, but Bobby Heenan?
(Both remaining announcers shudder. Meanwhile, back in the match, Nuke has thrown Dreamt out the other side of the cafeteria. They are now in a hall with lockers on either side. Nuke starts to pick up Dreamt, but Dreamt gets
in a low blow on Nuke. While the Extreme champ is bent over, Dreamt grabs him for a DDT, but Nuke reverses into a Northern Lights suplex.)
Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-
(Dreamt kicks out.)
JT : Hey, where'd that ref come from?
(He's been there the entire time; I just haven't bothered to comment on him.)
JT : Well, you should have!
(OK, if that's what you want. The ref stands there. The ref continues to stand there. The ref raises his eyebrows a little at something happening in the match, but quickly lowers his brows again. The ref scratches his ass. The ref looks around to see if anybody's looking, then starts to raise his hand towards his nose...)
JT : Ok, I take it back! Get back to the match!
(Dreamt staggers off the locker that he was just thrown into, and goes straight into a boot by Nuke. Nuke hooks both of Dreamt's arms, and hits him with the Burning Psychosis (Face first double underhook piledriver. Nuke
bends victim down, and hooks both arms. He lifts them until they are upside down, and comes down on his knees while still holding on to the victims arms driving them face first into the mat. A Slapjack, for those of you that know what that is.) Nuke covers.)
Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3!
("American Psycho" plays as Nuke has his hand raised in victory. He is handed his Extreme title and raises it in the air in victory. Suddenly, a locker behind Nuke bursts open. AWS Man (also known as Bill) leaps out and grabs Nuke from behind. He lifts Nuke up into the Break Your Freakin' Neck (Burning Hammer-style inverted DVD) and drops him.)
GP : What the hell? Why did AWS Man (also known as Bill) just attack Nuke?!
Shallow : And how are you un-hogtied?
GP : An old trick I learned back in the Army. I can dislocate my arms and then pop then back into place.
Shallow : But you were never in the Army.
GP : ...OK, my grandmother forced me to learn how to do it, and would then tie me up and leave me there for hours at a time watching her have sex with my grandfather until I could get out! HAPPY?!
Shallow : No ... No, I'm not.
(The Insane One reaches back into the locker that he was hiding in, and pulls out a poodle.)
GP : Hey, AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s got a poodle! You know what that means!
Shallow : No, actually, I have no idea.
JT : Yeah, neither do I.
GP : OK, I don't either ... I just wanted to sound smart.
(As Nuke begins to get to his feet, AWS Man (also known as Bill) throws the poodle into his arms, and then spin kicks it into his face.)
Shallow : Hey, I remember that now! The Von Freakinator!
GP : Oh yeah. We told him to stop doing that! Every time he does, the SPCA has our asses on a platter!
(AWS Man (also known as Bill) leans over Nuke's unconscious body and begins talking.)
AWS Man (also known as Bill) : Nuke, you know what this is freakin' about ... at least, I sure hope you do, because I sure as freak don't. When I came here planning to attack you I knew, but then after sitting in that freakin' locker for two hours, with only thoughts of freakin' porn and that stupid freakin' poodle that kept taking a whiz on my show to keep me company, I kinda forgot. I think maybe it had something to do with Santa ... wait, no, that's why I'm freakin' scared of reindeer. I hope you're not too freakin' mad ... although I guess if I remember what I'm so gosh freaked mad at you about, then I won't hope that, but would actually want you to be mad. Anyway, toodles, unconscious body of Nuke!
(The Insane One wanders off as the scene cuts back to the arena.)
Shallow : ...That guy's SUCH a moron.
[The show comes back on the air as we see Evan pulling back up. As he gets out of the truck, there are over 100 people standing out there giving him a standing ovation! Evan bows and makes his way back to his office.]
GP: Well our next match is Snow rules......High Flyer vs. Syphon Fission
JT: Do you think Onslaught floats....hes big ya know.
Shallow: NO HES DEAD LETS LEAVE IT AT THAT!
JT: But what if he's not.....he might come back and bore us all over again. I cant deal with that......NOT ANOTHER ONSLAUGHT....I CANT NOTANYMORE!
Shallow: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.......HE'S DEAD!!!!!
JT: Im good
GP: Yea so lets just go to the ring.
[All of a sudden, "Loco" By Coal Chamber starts to play as the fans go nuts. Fake snow starts to fall as the loved High Flyer makes his way to the ring.]
Meygon: This match is for one fall and is a Snow Rules match. Coming to the ring first from Bethlehem, PA he is HIGH FLYER!!!!
[The fans are going nuts as High Flyer makes his way to the ring]
GP: You know ive been to Bethlehem......and im shocked that High Flyer lets people know he's from there.
JT: Yea I was with him and the only good thing I saw were chicks advertising a highschool car wash.....funny how things like that work....the chicks were only like 16 but dead hot!
Shallow: Damn I slapped you too hard that time your face is turning red!
JT: Damn I need more make up!
[Then all of a sudden, "Papercut" by Linkin Park starts to play as the fans go nuts once again. This time its not as loud but its close. The lights flicker as Syphon Fission walks out with a mic in his hand.]
Meygon: Coming out next from Seattle, Washington...HE IS SYPHON FISS...............
[Syphon cuts Meygon off.]
Syphon: My name is Rashard Clark, and we all have to be kinda sick of the inactivity of the men booking our cards. But, not once do I remember them saying we could not do something.
Syphon: We need something major to spark interest. I know most of you gutted yourselves up last week with Mall Brawl and the like. But, I am thinking of allowing those hard workers to carry over to this coming show.
[Fans pop again at the idea]
Syphon:My thought was to have a major 16 man tournament for the IWO World Title. All I need are people who want in, and some match writers. And if you want to start an angle here...go ahead who cares what the staff says.....there always plaing games.
GP: We have a world champ.....how will this work?
JT: Syphon got beat up a little too much at Heatstroke.
[As Syphon goes on, the camera cuts to the back were we see Jamie in a wheel chair and his leg up. He looks pissed and in pain....right......then all of a sudden Evan walks in with a big smile.]
Jamie: LOOK AT WHAT HES DOING!!!! HES TRYING TO START AN UPRISING GO OUT THERE AND STOP HIM!
Evan: I don't want too.....I just got back.
Jamie: I don't care.....I would do it but I cant walk.
Evan: What did you do?
Jamie: I was walking then all of a sudden I pulled my hamstring.
Evan: That's your body telling you something.
Jamie: Yea I know that im a nerd.....hahaha.....now go out there.
Evan: No that you are a out of shape pussy.
Jamie: JUST GO!
[Evan walks out of the room as the scene cuts back to Syphon]
Syphon: Look...I am not a board member...but being in the IWO for over a year and a half counts for something. A major ending could be the works. I just want something to put our trust in. If I get enough interest by the end of the night, then me and someone I pick will make up the brackets. If you do want a card but do not want it this way, please get me your response, and if you have preferable match choices, send them in. Use your common sense.
[no pops this time]
Syphon: Thanks...and lets show Jamie, Evan, and John that we can live on without them around..............
[All of a sudden "I am your boogie man" Starts to play as everyone in the building cheers and goes nuts.]
JT: Damn killing Onslaught got Evan over big time.
[Evan walks out looking all tired and a mic in his hands]
Evan: Syphon how many times have we been here....you addressing the federation asking them to do things without us. God man if I didnt know you better I would say your asking to get fired.
Syphon: NO EVAN.....Your the one who should be fired....face it you don't want this anymore.....your a waste and you cant do this anymore.
Evan: Is that how you really feel?
Syphon: God your thick headed I only tell you that every day.
Evan: Yea I know it gets old don't it?!?
Syphon: WE DONT NEED YOU EVAN.....GO AWAY LEAVE RETIRE.....YOU ARE THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THE IWO!!!
[The fans pop]
Evan: I wish you hadn't said that Syphon.......that's what onslaught said to me and now look were he is.
[The fans pop]
Evan: Tell you what since you have been so nice to me over the year I have known you....and you always say the nicest things to me....and always show me the respect I should get...I wont fire you!
Syphon: You dont have the balls to fire your top draw.
Evan: Your right I wont fire Joey Malone!
Evan: As for you, your going to have to face..not one......not two.......not three....BUT FOUR MEN AT ONCE!!! If words wont work maybe a good ass kicking will!
[Fans boo Evan again]
Evan: Syphon you need to learn the lesson of working with others.....and I cant think of a better way then to have a team working together TO KICK YOUR ASS! Have a nice day!
["I am your boogie man" plays again as Evan drops the mic and walks away. Syphon just looks as if he cant understand things....and then he drops the mic and runs to the back]
GP: Umm what about the match.
[High Flyer and the ref look at each other as if they dont know what's going on.]
JT: No Contest?
Shallow: No contest!
GP: Fans will be right back!
(Backstage, Joey Malone gets ready for his match later that night. Sitting down putting on his wrestling boots, he notices in his peripheral vision the North American Champion, Simon Seaman walking into the dressing room
wearing a Joey Malone shirt and his wrestling attire. The champ makes his way over to him wearing his title around his waist as Joey looks up.)
Joey:Oh, hey Simon.
Simon:Joey, you would never believe it. I was walking by the hallway and BAM! Here you are! How weird is that?!
(Joey stands up and takes a sip from a nearby bottle of water.)
Joey:Look, Simon. It's great that you're here and all, but I'm just not in the mood right now for anything. I just want to go out there, wrestle my match and go home.
(Simon points to the Malone shirt he's wearing.)
Simon:No problem, no problem, but take a gander at this. It's your new shirt, man! I'm wearing it!
Joey:Now why are you wearing that?
Simon:To show my appreciation. What else does it look like? Not only is this a cheap plug for advertising, but it's a black shirt. I look awesome in black. It's cotton, one of my favorite fabrics, but most of all, it's your shirt! They're selling it all over the arena. It's going to sell like hot cakes! What do you think?
(Fed up with Simon's antics, Joey throws his water bottle down on the floor in frustration and runs his fingers through his hair. Confused with it all, Simon kneels down to pick up the bottle and hands it over to Malone. Malone takes a look at it and slaps it out of his hands as the bottle hits the wall and he storms out of the dressing room.)
Joey:Just leave me alone, Simon. Just leave me alone. I've got a match to wrestle.
(The camera catches Simon alone in the dressing room perplexed from the recent occurrence.)
Simon:I just wanted to show my appreciation.
Simon:Did a porcupine crawl up your butt or something...because I know a place downtown where we can get that fixed. Joey? Joey?!
[The scene cuts back to the ring]
GP: And we're back.
GP: Next up, it's the battle of two guys who have met in three-way dances and four way dances, but never in a one-on-one match. This shall be interesting.
Shallow: Well, Tom Lexian came off the better of the two at Mall Brawl, as Lexian won the Television title, while Malone actually made it to the final two of Mall Brawl, and came up empty-handed. What the hell was up with that, anyway?
GP: Damned if I know.
JT: Well, Malone has to be one pissed mother fucker after not getting anything DESPITE FALLING FROM THE ROOF OF THE MALL OF AMERICA.
GP: Well, with that said, let us hit Meygon for our ringside instructions!
(Shallow leaves his broadcast position and playfully punches Meygon in the arm. Meygon turns around, rears back, and smacks Shallow across the face. Shallow rubs his face just as Meygon enters the ring, while Shallow goes back to the broadcast position.)
GP: Good job, Shallow. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TAKE ME LITERALLY.
Shallow: Messa sowwy. :-(
(Meygon, of course, is wearing the least amount of clothing she can without being arrested.)
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following non-title contest is scheduled for one fall!
("Rock the Night" by Europe begins playing as the fans give a mixed reaction for the IWO's most lame personality, Tom Lexian. He comes out, carrying Bobby the Cactus over one shoulder, and carrying the IWO Television title over his other shoulder.)
Meygon: First... from San Fransisco, California... he stands at six feet, two inches... he weighs in at two hundred and twenty pounds... he is the master of the Legend Death Drop, or LDD... and he is accompanied to the ring by one of the lamest managers ever, Bobby the Cactus... ladies and gentlemen... he is the IWO Television Champion.... TOOOOMMMMM LEXXXXIIIIIIAAAAANNNNN!!!!
(Lexian places Bobby in the corner and begins to wait for his opponent.)
GP: Lexian has yet to beat Joey Malone, but this IS their first one-on-one match.
(Then, "Rock the Night" (thankfully) stops playing, and then "Crystal" by New Order starts playing and the lights go out to a big pop. As the song picks up, the entryway explodes and the lights come on, and standing right there is, of course, Joey Malone. Joey gets a huge pop, because he's the lovable idiot and stuff like that. He
is joined by Keri Lindum as they head to the ring.)
Meygon: And his opponent... he stands at six feet, four inches, and weighs in at two hundred and forty-nine pounds... he is a former IWO World Champion, as well as a former IWO North American, Pacific, United States, World Tag, and Intercontinental Tag Team champion... he is the master of the Everest Cataclysm among many other moves, and he is accompanied to the ring by Keri Lindum... ladies and gentlemen, he is JOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY MAAAALLLLLOOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!
(Malone enters the ring, and the bell rings.)
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: Here we go...
(Malone and Lexian circle each other and lock up. Malone hooks in a side headlock, but Lexian's all "NO" about it, so he sends Malone into the ropes. Lexian drops down and Malone runs over him. On the rebound, Lexian tries a clothesline, but Malone ducks it, kicks Lexian in the gut, and takes him down with a snap suplex, and then into
the pinning combination.)
GP: Snap suplex by Malone, into the cover! One... two... thr-NO!
(Lexian kicks away, and at about this time, the live crowd stands up and takes notice of somebody coming down the aisle. Simon Seaman. He's wearing the Arizona Cardinals jersey that Joey Malone has made famous, where "Village Idiot" is written on the back. Lexian has fought back up and has applied a side headlock on Joey, which he almost immediately releases upon seeing Seaman out here.)
JT: ...What... in the hell... is Simon Seaman... doing... in that... jersey?
GP: I have no idea...
(Malone takes advantage and gets a reverse rollup.)
Shallow: Malone catches Lexian with a rollup! One... two... thr-NO!
(Lexian kicks away and just as Malone gets up, Lexian takes him down with a diving lariat. Seaman looks worried at this point, as Lexian picks up Malone again and drops him down with a DDT. He goes for the cover.)
GP: DDT BY LEXIAN! ONE... TWO... THR-NO!
JT: Are you KIDDING? Malone? Get pinned off a DDT? What fantasy world would we live in if THAT happened?
GP: You do realize that the DDT is a devastating move, right?
JT: Yeah... TEN YEARS AGO.
(Lexian does a scoop slam on Malone and head up to the top rope. He leaps off with the intention of nailing a Dick Togoish senton off the top, but Malone rolls out of the way. Malone gets to his feet and Lexian sits up, allowing Malone to catch him with a seated dropkick. Malone picks up Lexian and hooks the arms, looking for the
Everest Cataclysm. But Lexian backdrops Malone, instead. Lexian goes for the Legend Death Drop, but Malone backdrops out of that. Lexian tries to hold on for the sunset flip, but Malone kneels down for the cover.)
GP: COVER! ONE... TWO... THRE-NO! LEXIAN KICKS OUT!
(Lexian recovers quickly, though, and gets a kick in the gut, followed by a Northern Lights Suplex, where he looks the leg as well.)
Shallow: NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! ONE... TWO... THR-NO!
(Lexian doesn't let up on Malone, picking him up and setting him up for a Fisherman's suplex. Unfortunately for him, Malone blocks, then counters with a vertical suplex, only Joey delays it... then hits the brainbuster. A vicious one.)
GP: A *VICIOUS* brainbuster by Joey Malone! Now he's heading for the top!
(Lexian is down on the canvas and Joey Malone seems to be calling for the Bad Moon Rising. Except that Lexian is too close to Joey to hit the move. So Joey instead goes for the shooting stars press. Problem: Lexian gets the knees up. Joey sees it, but there's nothing he can do as his chest smashes into Lexian's knees. Lexian gets to his
feet and drives Malone into the canvas with a Michinoku Driver II. He goes for the cover.)
JT: MICHINOKU DRIVER BY LEXIAN! INTO THE COVER! ONE... TWO...THR-NO! MALONE *SOMEHOW*
(Lexian gets majorly frustrated by this, and goes to the second rope. He goes for a missile dropkick, but Malone moves out of the way. At about this time, Simon Seaman begins to sell Joey Malone merchandise to the fans in attendance. Joey Malone looks over at him with a confused look on his face. It costs him. Lexian sneaks up behind Joey and grabs him in a waistlock. Before Malone can react, Lexian drops him with a German suplex.)
Shallow: GERMAN SUPLEX! ONE... TWO... THR-NO!!
(Seaman actually succeeds in selling a few T-shirts. Meanwhile, Lexian looks to follow up by again going for the Legend Death Drop. But unfortunately for him, Joey Malone picks up Lexian where he was now, and then snaps him over with a sitout spinebuster-style powerbomb. Joey doesn't cover. Instead, he goes back upstairs, looking to hit the Bad Moon Rising. He leaps off, looking for the swandive headbutt.)
(Lexian rolled out of the way, and now Seaman was concerned enough to jump up on the apron. Lexian was setting up a superplex, but Malone fought him off and knocked him off. At about this time, Keri tosses a chair into Lexian's hands, and like an idiot, Lexian catches the chair.)
(Malone dropkicks the damn chair into Lexian's face. The chair falls to the outside, as the fans pop at this circumstance. Joey Malone rolls into the cover just as the referee manages to get Seaman off of the apron.)
GP: MALONE'S GOT THE COVER! ONE... TWO... THRE-NO! NO! LEXIAN KICKED AWAY!
(Lexian's on dream street, though, as Malone picks him up and takes him to the corner. He sets Lexian on the top rope and he goes for a superplex. Lexian blocks it and shoves Malone off. He goes to the top to try and put alone away, but Malone suddenly gets to his feet again and dives for the ropes. This action ends up crotching Lexian
on the top rope, allowing Joey Malone to climb back up.)
JT: This does not look good...
(Malone climbs up to where Lexian is and pulls himself and Lexian to the top rope. Malone lifts Lexian up.... into the Arizona Death Drop. Off the fucking top rope. Lexian lands with a sickening thud, and Malone doesn't seem to be faring too well, either, after the move connected.)
GP: OH MY DEAREST GOD! MALONE JUST ADD'ED TOM LEXIAN OFF THE TOP ROPE! LEXIAN'S OUT!
JT: Well. There goes the neighborhood.
(Malone inches his way to Lexian and manages to drape an arm over Lexian's unconscious body. The referee's count comes down.)
GP: ONE... TWO... THREE!!!
*ding, ding, ding*
("Crystal" by New Order begins playing as Simon Seaman and Keri Lindum enter the ring. Joey Malone gets to his feet and the ref raises his right arm. Keri goes to raise Joey's left arm, but Seaman reaches Joey first and raises his hand triumphantly. Joey looks over at Seaman with an odd look on his face, but says nothing.)
Shallow: What is UP with Simon Seaman?
JT: I don't know...
GP: ...We'll be back after this, I guess.
GP: And... um... we're back.
GP: It's time for the World Tag Team Title match between the Jack Daniels Connection and Simply Unstoppable.
Shallow: Arrows and Archer are still employed?
GP: Yes, apparently so.
JT: So, uhm, let's go to ringside.
(We go to Meygon, who is still wearing the least amount of clothes possible.)
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the IWO World Tag Team Championship!
(The fans pop.)
Meygon: Introducing first...
("The Unforgiven II" by Metallica begins playing as Ben Archer comes out to a chorus of boos. He is all GWAR at the fans, and the fans treat him in kind by throwing random inanimate objects at Archer. One hits him in the face.)
Ben Archer: OW! You bloody bastards! I'll call Scotland Yard!
Meygon: He hails from Belper, England. He stands at six feet, one inch, and he comes here tonight weighing in at two hundred and forty-three pounds... he is the master of the ArC, and he is a former Television champion... he is BEN ARCHER!
(Archer climbs in the ring and scowls at random people like any Brit would do. Scowl scowl scowl, as they say.)
GP: Ben Archer, ladies and gentlemen.
(That damn Metallica song fades out, and then "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath begins playing. The lights fade to black shortly, and then they come back on, and Shawn Arrows stands in the ring, with Jessica. Go figure.)
Meygon: And his tag team partner... he hails from some place in North Carolina... he weighs in at two hundred and thirty-four pounds. He is a former IWO Television, World Tag, and Atlantic champion... and he's the master of the Arrow Shot DDT... ladies and gentlemen, he is SHHHHHAAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN ARRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWWWSSSSSS!
(Arrows and Archer stand side by side and await the challengers, and then "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin begins playing as the Jack Daniels Connection runs from the crowd, trips up Arrows and Archer, and the match begins without Meygon making the announcement. She quickly exits the ring as the bell rings.)
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: THE JACK DANIELS CONNECTION HAS COME OUT OF THE CROWD!
(Daniels pounds away on Archer in the corner while Breaker stomps a mudhole in Arrows in the other. After finishing the mudhole, Breaker charges in and delivers a knee to Arrows' face. Arrows rolls to the outside, while Daniels does an irish whip on Archer, who runs right into Breaker, who delivers a brutal powerslam. He immediately goes for the cover.)
GP: POWERSLAM BY BREAKER! ONE... TWO... TH-NO! Archer kicks out!
(Archer rolls out of the ring, and the Jack Daniels Connection stands tall. While this is going on, Jessica comes over to check on Arrows. She quickly steps back as Rodeo Daniels gets down on all fours and Breaker comes running, jumping up on Rodeo's back, then leaping off with a no-hands somersault plancha right down on Arrows and Archer.)
JT: Holy SHIT. What a move!
(Breaker recovers and throws Arrows back into the ring, where Rodeo Daniels drops an elbow on him. He quickly goes for the cover.)
GP: Elbow drop! One... two... NO!
(Daniels picks up Archer and sends him off the ropes, but he drops his head a little too soon, allowing Archer to catch him with the knee facebuster. As Daniels stumbles backward from the move, Archer sends himself off the ropes and nails Daniels with a vicious lariat. He tags in Arrows and they do a double team, sending Daniels off the ropes and catching him with a double flapjack. Arrows makes the cover.)
JT: DOUBLE FLAPJACK! WOOHOO! MIDNIGHT EXPRESS FOREVER! ONE... TWO... THR-NO!
(Arrows sends Daniels off the ropes again and looks to go for the Arrow Shot DDT. He lifts him up in the gorilla press, but unfortunately for him, Breaker enters the ring and clips Arrows' knee, which causes two things to happen. Arrows falls back first to the canvas, and Daniels lands on top of him. The referee counts this as a
GP: ONE... TWO... THR-NO! ARCHER MAKES THE SAVE!
(And that's when all hell breaks loose. Archer hooks Breaker for the ArC, but as he lifts him up, Daniels takes a running start and spears Archer. As Archer is speared, Breaker falls out to the apron, landing on his feet. He immediately heads to the top rope, looking to hit the Heartbreaker on Arrows. But Arrows crotches Breaker
on the top rope and goes up top, looking for a superplex. He fools us all by looking to hit the Arrow Shot DDT from up there, but Breaker somehow slips out from behind, lands on his feet, and crotches Arrows on the top rope, his back facing the ring. Breaker grabs Arrows by the neck and looks to hit an elevated neckbreaker, as Daniels scoop slams Archer. He goes to the outside, near where Arrows is extended.)
GP: What in the hell are they doing?
(Just as those words leave Parker's mouth, Daniels lands a springboard splash just as Daniels lands the neckbreaker. Arrows is out. But as Jessica runs over to check on him, Discord comes out of nowhere and yells at her.)
JT: What in the HELL is Discord doing out here?
(Whatever Discord said to Jessica causes Jessica to shove Discord. Discord takes a step or two back, then spears Jessica down, and a catfight ensues.)
Shallow: CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!
(Jessica is pulled up by her hair and thrown inside the ring. Meanwhile, Archer lands the ArC on Rodeo Daniels, but the referee is distracted by the catfight and doesn't count the pin. Arrows gets to his feet and pulls Discord off of Jessica, then holds her in place for Jessica to possibly beat the crap out of Discord. Then Ken War appears.)
GP: WAIT A SECOND! KEN WAR!
(War smashes a steel chair across Arrows' back, causing him to release Discord. Arrows turns to War, and then...)
(Another shot strikes Arrows' forehead, drawing blood and causing Arrows to fall lifelessly to the canvas. Jessica and Discord resume fighting, while Archer gets up, sees War, and does a Cactus clothesline, taking himself and War over the top rope and to the outside, where the two begin fighting again. The referee, confused about what to do, calls for the bell.)
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, this match has been declared a no-contest!
(Archer and War continue to fight, as does Discord and Jessica. Referees come pouring out of the backstage area to stop both fights. Meanwhile, Breaker and Daniels stand in the ring and are handed their titles. Breaker looks at Daniels. Daniels looks at Breaker.)
Rodeo Daniels: Want to get a soda?
Jack Breaker: Sure.
(They leave the ringside area.)
GP: This is just CHAOS!
JT: We have to go to commercial.
GP - Welcome back! It's main event time, and we have the World champion Kent Anthason defending against the IWO mischeif maker, 0┐0! Can he end Kent Anthasons World title reign once and for all?
Nikki - I'm not sure. So far Kent's World title reign has been a month of big breaks. In fact, this is 0┐0's SECOND world title match against Anthason this month. So we could be seeing some revenge from 0┐0. Or Kent just MIGHT pull off yet another easy break. You just never know nowadays.
JT - I'm all for the Birdman!! WHOOOO!! GO BIRDMAN!! I'D HAVE YOUR CHILDREN IF I WAS YOUR SPECIES, AND I COULD CONCIEVE CHILDREN!!
GP - ... you are a very emotionally confused man, JT. Anyway, let's view this cage for a moment here and discuss the rules to this "Birdcage of Death" match...
(A huge circular steel cage lowers to the ring, but then stops after it get's 20 ft. from touching the ground. A door rests at the top of the circular cage. The cage is covered in feathers, and there is a talon swing hanging from the top of the cage, and a large water dish filled with oil, with a torch laying next to it.)
GP - The winner of this match is the person that can stay in this cage wins. The person that get's thrown out, loses.
('No Way Out' by Stone Temple Pilots plays as we see the World champion, Kent Anthason, walk out onto the steel rampway. Still has a limp on his right leg from Mall Brawl, and hobbles to the cage ladder, climbs up and walks in. He throws his world title to the ground and calmly watches the entrance way, as he winces in pain.)
Nikki - It looks to me that Kent isn't really in the mood to fight right now. Especially against a 7'2 madman in his own envirement.
("Why Do Birds Suddenly Appears" by the Carpenders plays, but then is abruptly interupted by "Bad Moon Rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, as we see Joey Malone walk out onto the steel ramp, with a microphone, wearing casual attire. His Arizona Cardinals jersey and baggy blue jeans. He paces back and forth as he recieves a crowd welcome. They quiet down, and Joey stops in mid pace and begins speaking.)
Joey Malone - Now now now. Hold the mayonase, Captain Horatio Toothbrush. I've been reviewing this Mall Brawl footage quite extensively, Kenty. And I've determined a wee little fact about it - the decision at Mall Brawl was made by a refferee that was either A) High, B) Had extreme brain damage or C) Ken War, which would probably mean he had both of those things.
(A small pop is heard as Kent Anthason looks at Malone puzzled from the cage.)
Joey Malone - What I observed was this. Yeah yeah, I was disqualified from the match, you all probably saw that...
(All of a sudden, out from behind a dumpster walks the the Mysterious Birdman, nailing Joey Malone upside the head. Malone falls down back onto the hood of Kosoy's limo, bleeding from the forehead profusely. The Birdman leaves the scene of the "crime.")
Phelen Kell: AH! THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN! I THOUGHT HE PERISHED EARLIER TONIGHT?!?
Meygon:Due to the remaining combatants UNABLE to continue, Mall Brawl, is a NO CONTEST!(Gasp) However, still IWO World Heavyweight Champion, Kent, Anthason!>>
Joey Malone - Now if this WASN'T bullshit, then I'd let it slide. But it was, Anthason, and you very well knew it!
(A larger pop is heard, and Anthason holds the World title up in the air and points at it like it is his.)
Joey Malone - Where were you, Anthason? Where was Kent Anthason when Joey Malone got disqualifed? Oh, I know where Kent Anthason was....
<< Phelen Kell:NO! MALONE REACHES OUT! HE GRABS ANTHASON'S HAND! HE'S TRYING TO PULL HIM BACK UP, BUT THE WEIGHT BRINGS BOTH MEN OVER!!!! DEAR GOD!
(Anthason tumbles downward off the roof, and lands inside what looks to be a conviently place dumpster. Malone however, is not so lucky, as he lands on a small slanted roor which takes him rolling halfway down. The roof end, as Malone lands back first on top of a limo.)>>
Joey Malone - A conviently placed dumpster, which also happened to be OUTSIDE the malls limits! What does this mean? It certainly doesn't mean you get to KEEP the World title! That's only if I disqualifed alone. In this case, you have just committed a double disqualification, which means the title is then VACATED. Jeez, see, I KNEW those Bowling classes in College would pay off.
GP - ANOTHER VACANT WORLD TITLE?! HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS THING HAVE TO BE VACANT!!
(A large pop is heard over the vacated World title. Kent Anthason grabs a microphone, finally, and begins yelling at Malone for this.)
Kent Anthason - What gives you the power to over-rule the decision of Mall Brawl?
Joey Malone - Gee, good point. Let's just see what the zebra man thinks of it!
(Suddenly, "The Theme Of That Old Yikes Stripes Commercial" by an overrated 90's Hip Hopper plays as IWO refferee Gary Frantem walks out.)
Joey Malone - Tell 'em zebra man!
Gary Frantem - For the last time, I am a REFFEREE, not a damn zebra man. Now then, normally I wouldn't take my own time to come all the way out here and reverse a decision. BUT... in a decision this important and that fucked up, I have to turn over Mall Brawl's decision, and vacant the title!!
(A huge pop is heard, as Gary Frantem starts doing the worm. "Maniac" from Flashdance plays as Gary get's down.)
Gary Frantem - THIS IS THE BIGGEST RUSH OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!
Joey Malone - You go, Gary! Wooooo!
(Kent Anthason slams down the World title, pissed off, and begins stomping on it as Gary and Joey celebrate. Suddenly, "Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear" by the Carpenders plays as 0┐0 walks out to where Joey and Gary are celebrating, carrying a pink lawn flamingo. He smacks Gary Frantem with it. Gary Frantem falls over, unconcious. He then stares into Malones eyes.)
0┐0 - KAW!! WHAT THE KLUCK IS THIS?!?! BIRDMAN GOT ALL THE WAY OFF HIS ASS AND RETURNED HIS PROSTITUTES TO THE PIMP SO HE COULD FIGHT IN A MATCH WITH ANTHASON... THAT HAD NO TITLE ON THE LINE?!?! KAW!! WHAT A WHORISHLY WHORISH GAME THE IWO PLAYS ON ME!! NO RESPECT!! NO RESPECT AT ALL I TELL YA!!
Joey Malone - Well my birdly friend, since you kind of cost me the World title, I guess this is just hard beans for you.
0┐0 - PREKAWSTEROUS!!! THESE IS BULLSHEET!!! IF MY DEMANDS OF WINNING SOMETHING HONORABLE AREN'T MET, I WILL UNLEASH WEST NILE VIRUS INFESTED BIRDS INTO THIS ARENA, AND HAVE EVERYONE GET BIT IN VARIOUS NERVE ENDINGS AND SUCH!! AND THAT, MY FRIEND, WILL HURT WORSE THEN WATCHING A "My Mother the Car" MARATHON!!
Joey Malone - Oh fine then. Whoever wins this match, can have MY wish to be granted. Does that satisfy you, Birdman?
0┐0 - UMMMM. KLUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD WEATHERMAN!!!
Joey Malone - *sigh*
(Joey walks backstage, again. Then, "It's All About the Pentiums" by Weird Al plays as Jamie Kosoy wheels out onto the steel ramp.)
Jamie Kosoy - Hmmmmm. Joey sure did fuck things up this time. How on Earth are we gonna settle this vacant title situation? Well, I think the IWO is due for another tournament, this time, it will be a tournament to decide the two competitors to fight at Autum in Hell. But this thing needs a little more personality.... how about.... we get that damn Wheel of Misfortune the IWO used to have, and we spin the wheel every match. 30 gimmicks on the wheel.
The one selected, is the one the match is faught in. And so.... the Wheel of Misfortune Tournament will BEGIN NEXT HOSTILE TAKEOVER!!!
GP - THE WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE TOURNAMENT BEGINS!!
(A huge pop is heard, and 0┐0 turns towards Jamie.)
0┐0 - JAMIE?
Jamie Kosoy - Eh?
0┐0 - KAW ON YOU.
(0┐0 slaps Jamie upside the head and then runs to the ladder and threw the cage door. He smacks Kent Anthason across the face with his forearm, and the bell rings, and the match begins.)
GP - GOOD LORD!! Anthason kicks 0┐0 to the midsection! And he drives his shoe into the temple of 0┐0!!
JT - Anthason leans back on the ropes, launches himself towards 0┐0!! 0┐0 climbs to his feet, ONLY TO CONNECT WITH THAT FLYING CLOTHESLINE!!
Nikki - Anthason begins holding that sore left leg of his again and letting off the attack for a moment... wincing in pain.
GP - 0┐0 sneaks up on Anthason! And he kicks Anthasons right leg right out from under him, leaving him hobbling on one fucking leg!! The bad leg!! Anthason lets out a war cry, and falls to the matt wincing in extreme pain!
JT - Now 0┐0's gonna use that weakness against Anthason...
Nikki - Anthason falls over, holding both his legs! 0┐0 begins ruthlessly stomping on that bad leg of Anthason!! That is just cruel!! Anthason's face is red from pain!!
GP - 0┐0 picks up Anthasons left leg by the foot!! AND HE SLAMS THAT KNEE CAP INTO THE MATT REPEATEDLY!! STOP THAT!! YOUR GOING TO KNOCK OFF HIS KNEE CAP!!
Nikki - 0┐0 grabs a chair. Anthason can not get on his feet, he just lays there moaning in unimaginable pain.
JT - AND 0┐0 SLAMS THAT CHAIR REPEATEDLY ON ANTHASONS BACKSIDE!! 1... 2... 3... 4... IT'S LIKE FUCKING MUSIC!!!
GP - GOOD GOD!! HE IS PUTTING ANTHASONS LEG INTO THE FOLDING CHAIR!! AND HE IS STOMPING ON THAT FOLDING CHAIR WITH ANTHASONS LEG IN IT!!! ANTHASON IS BASICALLY IN TEARS!! HE'S CLENCHING HIS TEETH!!
Nikki - Birdman climbs the cage!! He is at the top of that cage!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE GONNA DO HERE!?
GP - HE JUMPS OFF!! AND HE LANDS RIGHT ON THAT FUCKING CHAIR FEET FIRST THAT HAS ANTHASONS BAD LEFT LEG IN IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!! HIS LEG'S GOTTA BE FUCKING BROKEN AFTER THAT!!!!
JT - 0┐0 THROWS HIM INTO THAT PIT OF OIL!! HIS EYES ARE BURNING!! HE'S STILL GOT THAT FUCKING CHAIR ON HIS LEG!!
Nikki - 0┐0 BEGINS DRAGGING KENT OUT OF THE CAGE... THEY ARE BOTH ON THE ROOF OF THE CAGE NOW.... KENT THROWS A PUNCH AT 0┐0!!!! 0┐0 FALLS BACK A BIT!!! KENT IS GETTING BACK INTO THIS MATCH!!!
GP - NO!!!! NO DAMN IT!!! 0┐0 LIFTS UP KENT!!! POWERBOMB ONTO THE ROUND TOP OF THAT METAL CAGE!!! HE ROLLS OFF THE TOP AND LANDS INTO THE CROWD SOMEWHERE, LIFELESS!!! HE'S GOT TO HAVE A CONCUSSION, OR AT LEAST DOUBLED OVER IN PAIN!!! THIS THING IS OVER WITH!!!!
Winner, and gets Whatever He Wants - "The Mysterious Birdman" 0┐0
Nikki - The scary thing is... what the hell is this dude gonna ask for?
GP - I know Nikki. I'm scared too.
(0┐0 grabs a microphone from atop the steal cage. He begins speaking.)
0┐0 - SO I SUPPOSE.... YOUR ALL WONDERING WHAT THE KLUCK I'M GONNA DO WITH THIS ONE, SILLY WILLY WISH.... WELL... THE INTERNET WRESTLING ORGANIZATION.... IS NOW THE HAPPY SUNSHINE WRESTLING FEDERATION!!! YES!!! THE HSWF BEAT THE IWO!!! FUCK YOU ALL, AND GOODNIGHT!!!!!
(0┐0 throws down his mic, disgusted, and begins taking a piss on the audience.)
GP - OH... MY... FUCKING.... GOD. HE CAN'T DO THIS, DAMN IT!!! HE JUST DISGRACED THE IWO!!!
JT - Or should you say... HSWF!! HAHAHA!! I'M JT!! GOODNIGHT FROM HSWF!!! :-P