Earlier Today: |
[The scene opens with a shot of the IWO Board room. There we see Jamie and Evan fighting over something. The camera pans all around to see Evan holding a paper in his hand that says "Gladiators".]
Jamie: NO I wont approve that list!
Evan: You will agree to use it and you will USE IT!
Jamie: I still own this federation.
Evan: Well I run this federation......How would you like to see everyone get up and leave because you disagreed with me.
Jamie: There is no way I will let this guy back in the IWO!
Evan: Guess what, you don't have a choice in this.
Jamie: Evan if you let that man back in this building I will fire your ass right after I have the cops come here and take his ass out of the building.
Evan: Is that a threat?
Jamie: That's a Promise.
Evan: Well see how big your balls are tonight.
[Evan drops the list as he walks out of the room slamming the door. The camera cuts back to Jamie as he falls into a seat and holds his chest as he takes a deep breath.]
[Scene fades out]
[The scene opens with a heart beating sound as IWO banner fades in as words fly all around it. Pride, Honor pass the screen as the banner fades out. As it fades in the words Phelen Kell and Zombie fly around the screen to
another heart beat. Then as a O fly's across the screen we see the words Hate and Love fly around and fade in. With the last heart beat the O fly's in with the names Mysterious One and Titan following it. Finally the IWO comes ablaze as the IWO symbol fly's past it as it fades out.]
[The scene all of a sudden melts as "Welcome to the Jungle" By Guns N' Roses starts to play. We here the screaming out of thousands of fans...as the beat picks up and all of a sudden MELTDOWN EXPLODES ON TO THE SCREEN! We then all of a sudden see a huge pyro display as scenes from past meltdown are shown
around the banner. With more pyro we cut LIVE to The Gorga Dome In Atlanta Gorga! The fans are all on there feet as they hold up signs and middle fingers. The scene cuts to the announcers table as we see GP, JT, and
Shallow sitting there ready to start an unforgettable night!]
GP: Fans welcome to the IWO WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHT MELTDOWN!
JT: For once I will agree with you. Tonight we have already heaten the show up. Did you hear Evan and Jamie fighting in the back?
Shallow: Who didn't. I want to know whos name made Jamie flip like that.
JT: I saw its Psycho Jay.
GP: No its not Jay because if it was Evan would be with Jamie on this one.
Nikki: Who else can it be?
JT: Well, we all know how close Jamies son is with Evan.......maybe we might see Garret here tonight!
GP: In any case fans, we have a really great show for you tonight. A lot of titles are on the line and so is the number one contendership for the IWO world title. Because tonight AWS Man and Nuke will go 2 on 6 and then one on one...in our mainevent.
JT: Al so tonight Team CGI comes back only to face EACH OTHER! HA I LOVE EVAN!
Shallow: It wont be how you know it to be it will be a match filled with respect and no hate.
JT: Right so was the nWo battles!
Shallow: That has nothing to do with anything you moron.
GP: Can you people keep this for after the show?
JT: Do we ever?
GP: Gah...........fans will be right......................
[All of a sudden "I am your Boogie Man" by White Zombie starts to play as the fans give what........A MIX REACTION.......Evan walks out in street close as he looks to his side and no Discord. But Evan smiles and walks down the ramp to the ring.]
GP: Well.....the man with the golden touch is here and I bet he has something to say about the list!
[Evan gets into the ring as he smiles and takes the mic.]
Evan: Tonight..........is a night that I think wont go long forgotten. Tonight is a night that I think no one will forget.........tonight is a night I think everyone will remember when I say the words.....Jamie Kosoy.......or
[Evan stops as he looks around. The fans are listing to everyword he is saying. But he just smiles]
Evan: Im not going to give up my big surprise right yet. I want to make Jamie suffer. He knows who it is but he doesn't know if he is coming or not. but I can assure all of you.......that he IS!
Gp: Who is he talking about?
[The fans start a "tell us" Chant as Evan smiles and looks around at everyone wanting to know.]
Evan: I will tell you.
[The fans pop]
Evan: But I wont tell you right now.
[The fans boo]
Evan: When the man of the hour gets here you will all know. When he gets here hell is going to break lose. Because tonight is just going to be one of those nights......have a nice day I know Jamie wont!
[As Evan drops the mic "I am your boogie man" by White Zombie starts to play]
GP: WHO IS IT?
Shallow: I don't know but we need to take a break.
[The show comes back on the air with a shot of Jamie sitting there watching the TV. When all of a sudden, John walks in]
Jamie: John......where the hell have you been?
John: Just doing some work
Jamie: Do you have any idea what Evan is doing?
John: Yea he's brining Psycho Jay back
[The fans pop]
Jamie: No you dumb ass he's not bringing back Jay.....he's bringing back.........
Jamie: WHO IS IT?
[All of a sudden the door opens and standing there is THE RAGING ONE!]
John: Hey its TRO.
TRO: Yep.....its good old TRO!
Jamie: What are you doing here.
TRO: Im in tonight's mainevent. I just stopped by to talk to you guys about something.
John: What's that?
TRO: Well ever since I left the IWO I took a new job with Avon!
TRO: Yes I go door to door selling cosmetics!
[Jamie and John look at each other funny like]
TRO: Now Jamie just from looking at you, I can see you need a lot of concealer. Nothing like going on a date with a minor and having all of those blemishes.
Jamie: WHAT? Do I really have that much?
TRO: More then I think you know. You really need to look into the world of personal Highgean.
Jamie: Well what do you have for me.
[TRO shuts the door as he walks into the room and sits down with a case of make up.]
TRO: Well come and see.
[The scene cuts back to the ring]
GP-Well first match time.
Shallow-No JT tables...tables.
JT-Tables could make blood.
Shallow-Ahhhhh JT said something right again the Earth's core could open up.
GP-I think we're pretty safe.
(Suddenly a crack opens next to the announcer's table and the Ring Announcer falls in before it closes up again)
GP-So the count so far is one ring announcer and one ref.
JT-Damn it she was hot.
Shallow-I feel like making a very cheap pun but I wont.
GP-She'll be even hotter now she's burnt.
Shallow-Yeah that was the very very sad pun for a very very sad person.
GP-Was that an insult?
JT-No he was saying your jokes are as great as a long streak on pish.
Shallow-Nah the pish COULD be funny unlike Greg.
GP-My ears are burning.
Shallow-Would you shut up just now JT we'll end up missing the match.
GP-We need a new ring announcer.
(Some please hold music plays as we wait for a new ring announcer about 15 minutes later one comes out)
Shallow-Well just to explain the rules...if you don't know them by now you're a moron.
JT-You could probably guess.
GP-The rules are...
(JT punches GP in the face)
Shallow-That has to be a first JT hitting someone.
GP(While holding his nose)-Well both teams are in the ring so lets see some action.
(Muchadore Anus starts off against Odd Ed why is he odd anyway probably due to the fact he has the one big testical that's real odd...wonder if he fells a kick in the nut. Anyway Anus runs right towards Ed but Ed just holds up his boot but then Anus slides underthe raised boot and hammers him from behind. Suddenly a Yo Yo comes from the ceiling and hits Ed in the head this gives the chance for Anus to start stomping on him but instead he locks in a side leg lock)
Shallow-What the hell is that spanish speaking moron thinking this match has no pinfalls or submission.
JT-He's Spanish he can't understand the rules.
GP-That could be a problem for Anus and Toby.
JT-Unless they use the table without knowing the rules.
GP-It'll still be a problem.
JT-Come on Spanish guys kick the IWO Black guys asses.
GP-We have no Black or White anymore we have Gray.
GP-Thats what you get when you merge balck and white.
JT-Sure GP whatever.
(Back in the ring the ref is trying to explain to Anus that this match has no submission but he looks like he's not understanding after a while Ed has managed to crawl over and tag Ike. Ike then comes in and kicks Anus in the head and Ed crawls into the corner. Ike holds back Anus and Ed tried to nail him with a forearm but Anus frees himself and he hits Ike. Anus then runs over and make the tag to Toby and he comes in and knocks down Ike and
then knocks down Ed then knocks Ike out of the ring he then follows on and that leaves Anus and Ed in Anus is first up and he runs at Ed but Ed kicks him in the gut and DDT's him flat on the mat and he ends up bouncing up due to the impact. While outside the ring Toby has set up a table and is hammering at Ike to get him flat on the table. He goes under the ring and looks around he finds a chair and uses it on Ike to make sure he down and out on the table he then climbs the top rope and dives off and sends himself and Ikethrough the table but the ref missed it because he was to busy with Ed and Anus. He looks at the wreakage and tries to see if he has any sign of who went through first. Now Ed kicks Anus in the gut and throws him out of the ring and they start to brawl in the ramp way but Toby has got up and he nails Ed in the back of the with the chair. With both of the men in the other team down and out Toby and Anus bring out 9 TABLES! They put three in a row then stack another three on top of that and then another three they then bring out two huge ladders. Anus and Toby then place the two men on the top level then they climb their own ladder's they both dive off and slam Odd Ed and Ike Rogers through the levels of tables. The refs signals for the bell)
JT-That sucked it has no blood.
GP-How can you say that sucked they just sent two men through three levels
Shallow-We'll be right back after this short very short but long break.
[The scene cuts to the back were we see a long black limo pulling up. As it
comes to a stop the scene dies out]
[The scene comes back on as we see that Black Limo sitting there. Then all
a sudden a handful of cops surround the limo as Jamie walks up.]
Cop: GET OUT OF THE LIMO!
[The back of the limo door opens as Jamie smiles.]
Jamie: Right when he gets out cuff him!
[One foot steps out as everyone waits to see who it is. The next foot comes
out as the man stands up and its..................MOLT DISNEY THE EVIL TWIN
BROTHER OF WALT!]
Jamie: WAIT DONT ARREST HIM!
Molt: Jamie whats going on here?
Jamie: I thought you were..........
Molt: I dont care who you thought it was.
Jamie: Why the hell are you here?
Molt: I have come to ask your help.
Molt: I want your help to take over the Disney world empire!
Jamie: And how do we do that?
Molt: Simple my friend..........we bring back F.U.C.K!
[The fans pop as Jamie just looks at him.]
Jamie: You mean the same F.U.C.K that Dane had with HT?
Molt: Yes....the very same.
Jamie: OH.......ok boys you can cuff this guy!
[The cops arrest Molt as Jamie just walks away as the scene cuts to the
GP - Hello and welcome back to IWO Hostile Takeover!
JT - Uhm, Greg, it's Monday Night Meltdown.
GP - Oh, heh heh, thats right. Forgetful me. I'd forget my pants if Nikki
didn't staple them on for me everytime I finish recieving sexual favors from
Shallow - YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TELL ANYBODY!! *slap*
JT - ...Nikki?!?! She puts out?
Shallow- Only to people who own respectable amounts of Monopoly
like Greggy poo :-*.
GP - You slut Nikki. *blushes like a school girl* We can edit this out
though, so who cares...
JT - We're running a live show. GP *as he nips out at the same time* HOLY
JT - Enough of this grab ass you two! It's time to stop the yacking and start
the match!... my god, I'm turning into Greg! MY GOD, I JUST SAID MY
DAMN, I SAID IT AGAIN! I'm turning into a worthless attempt to re-create
Ross too. :-( (We cut to the set of Happy Days, re-created. We see that
Korean guy running around makin' Burgers. I think his name is Arnold?
we see Richie Cuttingham and Potzi sitting at one of the booths.)
Richie Cuttingham - ... and that's how I learned that red thing on my groin
was a rash.
Potzi - Wooooah. That story is soooo hhhhot. That's way better then my all
sexual experiances (when the doctor felt my penis during my physical). I'm
gonna go play pinball now.
(Potzi goes over to hump the pinball machine, for quarters. Suddenly, Tom
Bosley aka Richie's dad walks in, with a cigar. Arnold is disturbed.)
Arnold - ARNIKEECHAWAWANUCKALATASHUTA! (translation - welcome)
Richie's Dad - Richie!! I will not be letting you eat burgers from this...
Richie Cuttingham - What's wrong with Arnold?
Arnold - I'LL TELL YOU WHATS WRONG WITH ARNOLD!! Me and Mr.
in the Kong during the Korean War! That's why he is resistant to letting you
eat my imported rat burgers. But I am willing to bury the hatched.
Richie's Dad - Wellllll... okay. For America!! (Howard Cuttingham holds out
his big American hand towards Arnold. Arnold holds out his .56 MM rifle,
a phony rubber hand attached to the barrel.)
Richie's Dad - Clever. I'm fucked aren't I?
Arnold - Yep. HI CHOW!!
(Arnold goes postal on Howard Cuttingham. His fat body falls to the
rittled of bullets. Suddenly, Andy Griffith walks into the room, with a
kennel in hand.)
Andy Griffith *a little senile* - I'll be your daddy, Richie!! COME BACK TO
ME AND AUNT B.!! WE'LL MAKE YOU SOME OF THAT FRESH BLUEBERRY
SOUTHERN PIE YOU
Richie Cuttingham - Wrong show, dumb ass! Andy Griffith - :-(
(Suddenly, we cut to an IWO Labratory, where they make ingenious
such as Frankenjobber, Genetic-O's and Sue Kells breasts. Those lucious,
lucious breasts. Er, anyway, we see scientists frantically chemically mixing
viles of, uhm, elements, such as, er, plutonium and, er, long john pastry
treats. Fuck if I know, I failed chemistry in high school. Well we see a
unusually feathered scientist. Why hey, it is the Mysterious Birdman, our
Extreme champion! We see him standing next to, why, is that Dean Boring?!
IS!! IT IS DEAN BORING, OF BORING BUSINESS SYSTEMS FROM
great minds in one room. Simply orgasmic.)
Dean Boring - Hello, my name is Dean Boring of Boring Business Systems.
have combined with IWO scientists to build you an amazingly Boring
to be reveiled on this very program. Your television champion Multi Colored
Mofo and I, that is. He financed it and drew up the plans, I constructed it.
And in turn, I have invented a Boring machine that can transform a human
through the screen of their Boring television set and into their favorite
Boring television shows. It's one better then freakin' TiVo! I call it
"TiBore"! Here comes my money ship, cha ching! BORING MEAANNS
0¿0 - ... KEH KEH, TO BAD I'M TAKING CREDIT FOR IT! KAW YAH!!
(Dean Boring gets stabbed through the skull by Birdmans extremely pointy
beak, fidgets, and then falls to the floor in a bloody heap of corpse.)
0¿0 - MUWAKEKEKEKEKE!! Excellence!
(The scientist look at eachother, scared. 0¿0 whipes the blood off his beak
calmly and begins talking.)
0¿0 - KAW, I SUPPOSE MANY OF YOU ARE WONDERING "What the kaw
is the Birdman
doing on my television unit", AND IF YOU ARE THINKING THAT, YOU
KAW, BECAUSE THAT'S MY DAMN WORD, DAMN IT!!! I BIDDED
APPROXIMENTLY 4 CHEESE
IT'S AND A HALF A BUTTER CUP FOR THAT WORD, AND WEBSTER
GAVE IT TO ME WITH
MUCH GRACE!! SO IT IS MINE!! MINE AND THE BIRDS!! AND YOUR
HUMANS!! SO NAH!!
BUT ALSO, IF THAT'S WHAT YOUR THINKING, THE REASON I'M
HERE IS BECAUSE
LATELY, I'VE GROWN TIRED OF THE EXTREME TITLE. WE MADE LOVE
LAST NIGHT, AND
IT WASN'T AS ZESTFUL AS IT USUALLY IS. SHE INSISTED ON
BEING ON TOP THIS
TIME. KAWWWW.... SO SHE'S ALREADY WHORED OUT IN MY
OPINION. THAT'S WHAT US
BIRDS DO. BOINKY DA VAGINA, YOINKY THE VIRGINITY AND IT'S
OFF TO CANADA FOR
BIRDMAN, FOO'!! KEKEKE!! ANYWAY, TIBORE IS MINE NOW!! MINE!!!
EXTREME TITLE... YOU GO BYE BYE NOW!!!
(0¿0 turns it to TV Land, where a "All in the Family" re-run is playing.)
0¿0 - NOW TO SEE IF THIS WORKS...
(0¿0 throws the Extreme title into the Television set. It warps through the
screen and hits Archie Bunker in the head.)
Archie Bunker - Damn meat-head commie nosed butt faced flag burning
0¿0 - KEKEKEKE! Worked... LIKE A CHARM!! KISS MY CHARM, AS GAY
(Suddenly, Multi Colored Mofo busts into the room with his IWO White
to conduct the match. He is almost in tears.)
Multi Colored Mofo - You evil feathered mean face!! You are using my
beautiful creation for evil!! EVVVVILL!! Why did you let him do this?! WHY?!
(Multi Colored Mofo points at the scientists. One scientist steps forward.)
One Scientist - Uhm, he offered to change all our Glade Plug Ins for free
exchange for our silence. It was a deal nobody could turn down!
(The camera pans to the Glade Plug Ins, still pumpin out that fresh
Multi Colored Mofo - ...damn... the perfect plan!
0¿0 - MUYWAKEKEKEKEKE!! THAT'S RIGHT!!
Multi Colored Mofo - So now what diabolical scheme are you gonna do now?
0¿0 - UMMMM... (Suddenly, Scott Styles runs into the room and shoves
Colored Mofo into the screen of the television. His head smashes through
set.) 0¿0 - KAW!! YOU IDIOT!! WAIT TILL I TURN IT ON!!
Scott Styles - Fucking A! Forgot that part...
(0¿0 turns on the television set, and kicks Multi Colored Mofo through the
television set and onto the Happy Days Arnolds set-up. He lands on top of
dead Tom Bosley. Covered in blood is Multi Colored Mofo.)
Multi Colored Mofo - EEK! Pigs blood! SPOOKY OOKY! The Dead Body of
Bosley *suddenly coming to life and grabbing Multi Colored Mofo by the
- I'm NOT a pig! Thank you, and goodnight. *dies again*
Scott Styles - HAHAHAHA! What a freak! I should beat his ass to the
0¿0 - ACTUALLY, YOUR GONNA KINDA NEED TO WHEN I DO THIS!!
GP - 0¿0 boots Styles in the ass! And he flies through the television screen
and warps onto the set of Happy Days!
JT - Multi Colored Mofo strikes Styles down! WITH TOM BOSLEY!! Styles
covered in Bosley blood!
(Suddenly, the Fonz busts out of the bathroom door, with fake women
The Fonz - Ayyyyyye! Must be the monay! Yeah, thats right. Fonz has gone
baby! He is already a pimp. Why not go reverse Michael Jackson on my
(Suddenly, his skin turns black.) The Fonz - Ayyyyye! Get over here
Scott Styles - I'm not Cuttingham!
The Fonz - Ayyyye! Your sister has nice titties! Ayyyye!
Scott Styles - Will you stop saying that?! I am not Richie!
The Fonz - Heh heh, yeah, and your mom isn't hot! Ayyye! Now that Mr. C is
gone, it's free and easy to Mrs. C's bedroom! Ayyyyye!
Multi Colored Mofo - AHHH! IT'S THE FONZ!
GP - Multi Colored Mofo lifts up the freakin pinball machine! AND HE
IT AT THE FONZ! THE FONZ IS CRUSHED UNDER THE PINBALL
The Fonz *bleeding instensly under the pinball machine* - .... ayyyyee....
JT - THANK GOD! Fonz was gay anyway! I always prefered Chachi. :-*
Shallow - NOT THE FONZ! Not the Fonz! Nooo!
GP - OH MY GOD! THE FONZ HAS RE-ESSEMBLED HIMSELF USING HIS
ANNOYING COME HE
ALWAYS CARRIES AROUND AND THE ENOURMOUS AMOUNT OF HAIR
GELL HE NEEDS TO MAKE
HIS HAIR STAY PIMPIN'! Fonz lifts up Multi Colored Mofo!
The Fonz *winking towards the camera* - Remember kids, safe sex = good
Even though I have unprotected sex with ovulating women all the time, but
know what I say? Ayyyyyye!
GP - And he throws Multi Colored Mofo into the juke box! And "the Happy
theme song" plays, as several women with HIV jump into Fonzes pants! The
- Ayyyyye! Woah!
JT - STYLES PINS! And a IWO White reff dressed as lovable red-head
3!! Raulf - Whacka whacka whacka! JT - YES!
GP - DAMN IT!! WHY!! THIS IS FUCKING STUPID!! HE CHEATED!! HE
FAST COUNT!! JT - Yet a count nonetheless! Winner, and new TV Champion
Shallow - Multi Colored Mofo gets up as Styles receives his pop from the
people as he holds his title in the air! And Mofo smacks Styles in the groin!
Styles falls to his feet, grasping his manhood! And Mofo excapes the 50's
and back to the 90's, leaving Styles trapped with the Television title! What
the fuck is going on?!
GP - I'm not sure, but this had to be one of the more exciting matches I've
seen so far this month! We'll be right back!
[The show comes back on the air with a shot of Caren Dudley walking down
JT: ITS CAREN!!!!!! YES!!!!!
SHallow: Damn.......shes hotter then ever.
GP: Keep it in your pants.
Shallow: I cant keep shit in there if shes around.
[Caren turns the corner and there stands Micheal Dudley. He is eating
something as all of a sudden, Evan comes walking up to him.]
Evan: Micheal long time no see.
Evan: You know what is funny I was just remembering the old BDP days.
Micheal: Yea they were fun days.....Remember when me you and Dane pulled
sheets over Kells eyes. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Evan: HAHAHAHAHAHA........yyyyyyyeaaaaaaa. Do you remember when I
the BDP and took your IC tag belts away from you.....BY MYSELF?!?
Evan: Yep.......the good old days.
[Evan walks away as Michael just looks at him and the scene cuts back to
GP: And we're back.
GP: It's time for the Pot on a Pole match!
Shallow: Hold on, hold on, aren't we getting a LITTLE desperate for
now? I mean, when you're stealing ideas from VINCE RUSSO, that's bad.
know, Quinn Morgan will end up pregnant, and break up with Syphon
and then we
run through about five years of suspense trying to find out who the father
is, and then the baby speaks up and says that it was Vince Russo all along!
GP: Um, actually, Johnny, Russo's idea was a Viagra on a Pole match.
(JT suddenly breaks down.)
JT: WHAT?!?! YOU MEAN TEAM V.I.A.G.R.A. DIDN'T COME UP WITH
GP: Now look what you did.
Shallow: What am I supposed to do about it?
GP: Tell him you're sorry!
GP: DO IT, OR I'LL SLAP YOU WITH MY BOARDWALK!
Shallow: Sorry JT.
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Pot on a Pole
are that there are barely any and the first one to grab the pot and smoke it
match! ......Wow, makes me wonder why Shawn Carter wasn't booked for this
("Hacksaw Decapitation" by Cannibal Corpse plays as Harold Hash comes
area, flanked by his flunkies. ...And we're not making the same joke twice.)
Meygon: Introducing first... from Raleigh, North Carolina... he stands a six
inch, and weighs in at two hundred and thirty-five pounds... he is the master
God, do I really have to say this...? Ahem... "Barq's is the best root beer
kind"... ladies and gentlemen... he is HARRRRRROOOOLLLLLDDDDDDD
GP: And by the way, A&W could kick Barq's ass.
JT: Sheyeah, right... Barq's rules!
Shallow: Settle down, children.
(Hash enters the ring, and then the Cannibal Corpse song stops playing, and
the misfortune of ears across the world, "Rock the Night" by Europe plays
makes his way to the ring. He carries a potted cactus with him, to a mildly
Meygon: And his opponent... from San Fransisco, California... he stands at
two inches... he weighs in at two hundred and twenty pounds... he is the
master of the
Legend Death Drop... and he's accompanied by *groan* Bobby the Cactus...
gentlemen... he is TOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM
(Lexian enters the ring.)
GP: And here we go!
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: Lexian and Hash are pounding away at the center of the ring!
JT: Lexian gets the upper hand, though, and he pounds Hash into putty in
Now an irish whip in, and Lexian tries to follow, but Hash gets his boot up
in the nick
Shallow: Hash is on the second rope and he goes for a clothesline, but
him with a dropkick in midair!
(Greg and JT get into another arguement.)
Shallow: Don't make me bitchslap the two of you.
JT: You're not Nikki.
(JT is knocked out.)
Shallow: No, but I hit harder.
GP: Uh, yikes.
Shallow: Anyway! Now Hash and Lexian recover, but Hash goes for the
to the eye!
GP: Hash comes off the ropes and lands a clothesline!
Shallow: Now Hash comes off the ropes for another clothesline, but Lexian
with a powerslam!
GP: Now Lexian brings Hash into the center of the ring! He's going to hit
Death Drop already!
Shallow: Ooh! This might leave a pretty stain on the mat!
GP: ONE POWERBOMB!
Shallow: TWO POWERBOMBS! THREE POWERBOMBS! YES! THE LEGEND
DEATH DROP HAS
HIT! HASH IS
GP: Man, this is shaping up to be quite a quick match.
(JT wakes up.)
JT: Lucky punch, bitch.
GP: Lexian is climbing up the pole! He's going for the pot!
JT: Pot of gold?
GP: No! Pot of drugs!
Shallow: LEXIAN'S GOT THE DRUGS!
(Lexian drops down next to Bobby the Cactus.)
Tom Lexian: Hey, Bobby... how do you light these things, again?
Bobby the Cactus: Try using the lighter.
Tom Lexian: ...I didn't see that there...
(Lexian lights it and smokes... then begins a coughing fit.)
Tom Lexian: *cough, cough, cough* People pay tons of money for THIS!??!
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: Tom Lexian has won this thing!
Meygon: Your winner... Tom Lexian!
(Suddenly, some cops show up. Lexian sees them.)
Tom Lexian: Uhm, uh oh... I think I should get rid of this.
(Lexian goes over to Hash and sticks the bong in his mouth. He grabs Bobby
and bails out of the ring. The cops enter the ring.)
Cop #1: Hey, uh, you there!
Cop #2: Yeah, you!
Cop #1: We're going to arrest you for illegal drug possession and drug use,
as well as
possibly a charge for exposure, since you're not wearing a shirt, and a
wasting our time, since we need some frigging DONUTS, man!
Cop #2: DONUTS RULE!
(The begin to cuff Hash, and then Evan walks in.)
Evan: Hey, Hash. Since you're being arrested and all, I just thought I'd tell
I don't really like potheads in this federation. The closest we have is Joey
and the only reason why he's so screwed up is probably due to his damn
state's sun. So
with that said... your pink slip has been signed. Therefore... YOU'RE FIRED!
JT: NOOOO!!! BARQ'S HAS LOST!
GP: YES! A&W! A&W! A&W!
JT: *sigh* You won this time, Parker, but I'll get you NEXT TIME!
(He tries to blast off in his rocket chair, except that he doesn't actually
rocket chair, due to budget cuts by the IWO staff.)
JT: Damn budget cuts.
GP: Folks, we'll be right back.
[The scene cuts to the back again as we see a black limo pull up.]
[The show comes back on the air with a shot of the ring........the fans still
just sitting there when all of a sudden, "I Am your Boogie Man" by White
Zombie starts to play as the fans give another mix reaction. Evan walks out
with a smile on his face and a list in his hand!]
GP: Well.......I think the mysterious man was in that limo.
JT: Ya think.
[Evan gets into the ring as he looks around. He takes the mic from Meygon
Evan: I was out here at the top of the show and I told all of you that
tonight I would have someone come out here that no one will ever
forget........well at least Jamie wont. I told you after tonight, everyone
will think of this night when they hear the name..........Jamie
Kosoy.......and when they hear the
["Nobody Loves Me" by Limp Bizkit starts to play as the fans go NUTS!]
GP: MY GOD ITS LARSON!
JT: Odd how he got a face pop.
Shallow: Jamie must be shitting himself!
[The fans get even louder as Billy walks out on to the stage. He looks
and then walks to the ring. The scene cuts to the back were we see Jamie
walking to the ring with a bunch of cops behind him.]
GP: Larson is back in the IWO but for how long?
JT: And why?
[Larson gets into the ring as Evan shakes his hand]
Evan: Ok.......so now I bet you are asking yourself why the hell he is here.
Well, I will tell you, ever since I went on vacation Jamie has done nothing
but lower the ratings and piss of the roster. Well, im back and with this one
act of defiance I will raise the ratings, I will raise moral and I will show
the whole world WHO RUNS THE IWO!
Larson: HAHAHAHAHA.......God I love being a tool to piss other people off.
But ya know FUCK YOU JAMIE AND FUCK YOUR RULES!
[The fans pop]
Larson: I was fired because Jamie was scared of what I could do........Jamie
was scared that someone wasnt under his control.......WELL FUCK YOU AND
UGLY CANDY ASS!
[All of a sudden, "Take the power back" by Rage Against the Machine
play as the fans boo. Jamie walks out with a mic in hand and cops
GP: Things are about to pick up.
Jamie: Larson......I FIRED YOU AND...........
Larson: NO SHIT!!!!
Jamie: I also put a restring order on your ass to keep you 100 yards from
IWO related event! So with that said and done, I got a better idea of you
Evan showing who runs the show......why dont I have these cops go down
and take your ass to Jail?
[The cops start to walk down the ramp as Larson smiles]
Larson: You know what Jamie, I got a better idea. Why dont I run to you
kick your damn Jewish ass!
[The fans pop]
Jamie: Ill sue!
[The cops get to the ring and get in it as Larson falls back a bit. Then
seeing were the cops standing Larson smiles]
Larson: SO SUE!!!!!
[Larson runs towards the cops but slides under the ropes and the cops and
makes his way up to the ramp. Jamies eyes widen and Jamie drops the mic
starts to run but its too late Larson gets him.]
GP: LARSON IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF JAMIE!
Shallow: THIS IS FUNNY AS HELL!
GP: Here come the cops and Evan!
[The cops pull Larson off of Jamie as the fans are going nuts. The camera
pans in on Jamie to show how bloody he is. The camera then pans over to
who is laughing his ass off.]
Jamie: STOP LAUGHING! TAKE THAT ASS AWAY FOR GOOD!
[The cops now walk off with Larson as the fans boo]
Jamie: As for you Evan, I want to see you in my office NOW!
Evan: your office is my office!
[Jamie storms off as Evan just smiles and walks back with him.]
Gp: Looks like things are getting very heated between everyone and now
the staff are at ends.
JT: That was odd
Shallow: That was the IWO splitting in two again.
GP: Fans we need to take a break will be right back.
[The scene comes back with a shot of the IWO Board room door. We can
screaming going on from both sides in there. As the scene cuts to the back
were we see John sitting there with a list of names]
John: Hmmm.....lets see Larson is off the list. Who will be the 6th one?
WAIT! I KNOW!
[John walks off as we cut back to the ring]
GP: Now IWO has had some weird matches in the past, but I donâ€™t even
where to begin talking about this match. Itâ€™s call...*squints his eyes to
read the cue card* a WOW Wednesday match? I havenâ€™t the slightest
this match is about.
JT: Donâ€™t you listen to Opie and Anthony?
GP: Well no, and neither do you.
JT: ...Good point. But still theyâ€™re fucking cool! All sorts of shit happens
on their show. Like just today they were playing bra size Bingo, and before
Shallow: Thatâ€™s all nice and stuff, but what the hell does that have to
ith the rules of todayâ€™s match?
JT: Well ah...uhm...and they have naked porn stars and stuff, and...
GP: So theyâ€™re basically Howard Stern rip-offs.
JT: HOW DARE YOU!! OH YOU BETTER SAY YOUâ€™RE PRAYS!! Iâ€™LL
KILL YOU!! YOUâ€™RE
JUST LUCKY SHALLOW IS HOLDING ME BACK PUNK!
Shallow: Iâ€™m not holding you back, youâ€™re just too pussy to even
JT: Thatâ€™s not true! Remember Sunday.
Shallow: *sarcastically* Ohhh! You pushed over a girl coming out of Sunday
school and ran!! Wow JT you so macho!
JT: Donâ€™t make fun of me. :-(
GP: Rules or no rules, we have to get this match started.
Meygon: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 243 pounds is BEEEN
( Ben Archer runs down the entrance ramp, and rolls into the ring. )
Meygon: And now coming down to the ring, the current Unified
( Simon Seaman does the same as Ben Archer, and rolls into the ring, he
gives the official his Unified Belt, and waits on the ring bell. )
GP: Well weâ€™re about to start the ma-
Meygon: And our special guest referees for todayâ€™s match up, radio
personalities Opie and Anthony!
GP: What the fuck? Did we get permission to have them come down to the
JT: Does IWO EVER do things legally? Heck the IWO shirt youâ€™re
now was made in girls locker room which was converted into a sweat shop
sometime in the early 80â€™s.
GP: IWOâ€™s only been around for a few years.
JT: ...Oh yeah.
Opie: Hey there
Anthony: Whatâ€™s going on guys.
Shallow: Hey! I was sitting on that chair!
Anthony: Exactly, you WERE sitting on that chair. Iâ€™m sitting on it now.
GP: Well Opie and Anthony are joining us at the announcers table, even
though theyâ€™re supposed to be out there refereeing, but I have NO idea
theyâ€™d be refereeing since this match has no rules.
(Simon Seaman and Ben Archer are also confused about the rules of this
Wednesday match, so they just start fighting. Seaman and Archer lock up.
Archer wins the lock up and sends Seaman into the ropes. Archer goes for a
clothesline but Seaman ducks, and takes him down with a neckbreaker. )
GP: Well, I donâ€™t know if fighting is the way you win this match, since
would be the most reasonable way to win, and something tells me when we
find out the rules they are anything but reasonable.
Opie: This wrestling stuff seems kinda...gay.
Anthony:*in a Vince McMahn voice* YOUâ€™RE FIRED!!
GP: I donâ€™t get it?
Shallow: Give me back my seat you asshole!
( Archer is back to his feet, and trading blows with Simon Seaman. Archer
lands a right to Seamanâ€™s jaw, and follows it up with a spinning heel
Seaman hits the canvas, and Archer begins to drop elbow after elbow on his
GP: Archer really putting it to Seaman here. If we had rules for this match,
heâ€™d probably be close to winning...I think.
Opie: Touch Sandy Kaneâ€™s hemorrhoid.
GP: Sandy who?
( A 65 year old stripped named, yup you guessed it Sandy Kane bends over
front of GP revealing her scary looking protruding colon, while make weird
sounds with her mouth. )
Sandy Kane: Uhemik! Ya like?
GP: JESUS CHRIST!! GET AWAY FROM ME!
Anthony: Go lie down in the middle of the street Sandy.
Shallow: What the hell was that? And give me back my seat!!
JT: Sandy Kane. Sheâ€™s a regular on the Opie&Anthony show.
JT: Oh, if youâ€™re not familiar with the show. Youâ€™ll be lost this
GP: THIS ISNâ€™T EVEN A MATCH YET!! I MATCH NEEDS RULES!! WE
JT: Youâ€™re such an ass GP.
( Archer lifts Seaman to his feet, and backs him into the corner with a
series of brutal chops to the chest. Simon Seaman is slumped in the corner
and vulnerable. Archer backs up to the opposite corner, and charges in with
splash, but Seaman rolls out of the way. Seaman spins Archer around and
plants him with a DDT. Seaman then rolls out of the ring. )
GP: Seaman finally gets Archer down, but...what is he doing on the outside?
( Simon Seaman goes over toward the announcers table, and pulls out a
Shallow: Aww, heâ€™s getting me a seat how nice of him, thank y-
Simon Seaman: Un hand this chair. What do you think this is? The
Shallow: ...That doesnâ€™t make any sense?
GP: NOTHING DOES!!
JT: Calm down GP.
Anthony: Looks like someone needs a seditive. *in a Mike Tyson voice* I
da Zoloft to keep me from killin yâ€™all
GP: I DONâ€™T GET IT!
JT: Itâ€™s an obscure reference GP. Just shut up.
( Simon Seaman enters the ring with the steel chair, just as Ben Archer is
getting to his feet. )
GP: Seamanâ€™s gonna smash that steel chair across Archers skull!
guys gonna do anything?
Opie: Why us?
GP: Youâ€™re the guess refs for crying out loud!!!
Anthony: Thatâ€™s hardly a reason to do anything now a days.
GP: Seaman has the steel chair! Ben Archer still doesnâ€™t see him! Seaman
swings for Ben Archerâ€™s head...no! Archer ducks! Archer lands an elbow
to the back of Seamanâ€™s head, causing him to drop the steel chair.
then slams Simon Seaman head first into the corner! Seaman stumbles out of
the corner groggily, Ben Archer bounces off the ropes, and bulldogs
onto the steel chair! He pins!
( Archer hooks Seamanâ€™s leg for the pin, but...no oneâ€™s counting. )
GP: Get in there and count!
Opie: Fine, donâ€™t have to lose you pants.
( Opie rolls into the ring and begins counting. )
Opie: 1...2.......ya know what? I donâ€™t think the match should really end
Anthony: Me neither.
( Archer is pissed off and confused, he releases Simon Seaman and
the refs. Opie tells him to clam down, and Seaman also gets up to find out
just whatâ€™s going on. Opie motions for a mic. )
Opie: Since this is our match, weâ€™ll make rules. Letâ€™s see...hmm...I got
Weâ€™ll play a game of â€œWhatâ€™s in your pantsâ€? with that fine
babe that was
the ring announcer from earlier.
GP: Whatâ€™s in your pants?
JT: OH!! I love this game!
( Meygon comes back to ringside, and gets into the ring, rather hesitantly,
as she has no idea what sheâ€™s doing here. Someone gives her a mic. )
Meygon: Ok, just what the hell is â€œWhatâ€™s in my pantsâ€??
Anthony: Iâ€™ll explain the rules to this fine game. Well you take that mic
your hand right there, you rub it down inside your pantyâ€™s, and these
have to guess what youâ€™re sporting down there by the sound.
Meygon: ...WHAT!! THATâ€™S PERVERTED!! AND DEGRADING!! Iâ€™M
NOT DOING THAT!!
JT: Comâ€™on Meygon! You were Titans whore for most of your career,
have a problem with a little game?
Meygon: ...Well when you put it like that. Why not.
Opie: Alright, I hope you two have good ears.
( Archer takes a seat on the nearby turnbuckle, as Seaman sets up the chair
which his head was driven into mere seconds ago, and takes a seat. )
Opie: Ok, once she starts rubbing it on her pubic area, you have to guess
one of 4 things, Wood floor, Hitler Mustache, Triangle, or Mohawk.
Seaman & Archer: ...WHA?
Opie: Wood floor is completely shaved, Triangle is non shaved, Mohawk is
exactly what you think it is.
Seaman & Archer: Oh!
Meygon: Well...here it goes.
( Meygon sticks the microphone into her panties, and begins rubbing it on
her pubic area. )
GP: THIS!! IS WHAT A WOW MATCH IS!! THIS IS SICK!
JT: BUT FUN!!
( Meygon finishes, as Simon Seaman and Ben Archer think about their
Simon Seaman: *contemplating an answer* Hmm...can I get a side to side
Meygon = Er...ok
( Meygon rubs the mic on her pubic area in a side to side motion. )
JT: Hmm...how about a circular motion please.
( Meygon does as she is told. )
GP: IWO has reached a new low. Whereâ€™s the â€œWrestlingâ€? in this
Wrestling Organization huh? What ever happened to the good ole one fall
JT: Shut up.
Ben Archer: Uhmm...you mind jabbing that mic into your-
Opie: Whoa! I think itâ€™s time you guys made decision. And...
Meygon: I shaved a picture of Castro into my pubs!
Opie: You werenâ€™t supposed to tell! Damn, that didnâ€™t go well. We
Anthony: I know. How â€˜bout a TEEN slumber party?
( 30 minutes later. )
GP: I really donâ€™t understand any of this.
( dozens of half dressed teenaged girls, all over the age of 17 so Jamie
doesnâ€™t get a lawsuit, begin playing assorted sex games. )
GP: Really donâ€™t see how this leads to one of these tow men winning the
Anthony: No, but arenâ€™t we having fun!
GP: NO WEâ€™RE NOT!! PICK SOME FUCKING RULES, AND STICK TO
Opie: Ok, ok. I got it. Me and Anthony were talking, and how about each
goes around the arena. First man to get a girl to WOW you, which means
her boobies at you, win the Unified Title.
GP: Oh God. Fine, as long as it ends.
( Simon Seaman and Ben Archer just stand there. )
Anthony: Well...GET TO IT!!
( Seaman takes off, but Archer drops him with a drop toe hold, and heads
into the stands. )
JT: They should have no problem getting one of these woman to show them
Shallow: If theyâ€™re anything like you weâ€™ll be here all night!
JT: Shut up! At least I have a chair.
( Seaman and Archer go into the crowd looking for a woman to WOW them,
theyâ€™re having no luck. )
GP: Dear god the are like you JT.
JT: Heh heh...HEY! Thatâ€™s not way. They donâ€™t know the rules.
stands for Whip em Out Wednesdays, means you have to have a WOW
something that says WOW on it for the ladies to WOW you.
GP: This is disgraceful.
( Magically Simon and Archer hear this, and look for something that says
on it. Archer remembers seeing something in parking lot. He takes off in the
direction, as Simon Seaman follows him. )
GP: Why are they headed for the parking lot?
JT: I dunno?
( Simon catches up with Archer in the hall way leading to the parking lot.
He spins him around and decks him in the face. Archer reels back in pain.
Simon grapples him and gives him a Fishermans DDT onto the concrete floor.
GP: My God! Archerâ€™s laid out.
( Simon Seaman then heads out into the parking lot...but then remembers
only here because he was following Ben Archer, and has nothing to do.
Speaking of Ben Archer, Archer runs outside with a pushing hot dog stand
front of him, he slams it into Simon Seaman, who lays in a mess of hotdogs,
and buns on the street. Ben Archer climbs on top of a Jeep in the parking
lot, and leaps off with a guillotine leg drop to Seamanâ€™s throat. Seaman
rolls around in pain. Archer meanwhile goes to do what he came out her for
in the first place.)
GP: What the hell is he looking for?
JT: I already told you I donâ€™t know.
( Ben Archer goes down a row of parked cars looking at their bumper
stickers. He finally finds what he was looking for, and pulls off a black
and yellow WOW bumper sticker, and puts it on his chest. )
JT: He has a sticker!! He could win this match!
GP: This is so weird.
( Ben Archer goes to look for a woman to show this too, but Seaman clocks
him with a hot dog from behind...obviously it has no effect. )
GP: What the hell was he thinking?
( Archer slaps the hot dog out of Seamanâ€™s hands, and give him a
uppercut. Seaman retaliates with an eye rake, then rips the sticker of
Archerâ€™s chest tearing out chest hairs while doing so. )
( Seaman put the sticker on his forehead. He sees a woman getting out of a
car, and heads toward her but, Archer low blows him from behind. Seaman
bends over in pain. Archer then rips off the WOW sticker on Seamanâ€™s
tearing out his eye brow hair in the process.)
( Archer and Simon then head over to the lady. We hear what theyâ€™re
cuz I say so. )
Archer: Hey I gotta WOW sticker, show me your tits.
Lady: Ok *begins pulling up her shirt*
GP: Finally!! Archerâ€™s gonna win.
JT: Aww, but that girlâ€™s tits look kinda small.
GP: Shut up JT!
Seaman: Whoa hold it! Thatâ€™s my WOW sticker. Youâ€™re gonna flash a
no chest hair?
Archer: Itâ€™s better than having no eye brows.
Lady: I tell you what. Iâ€™ll WOW the person who deserves it most.
( Archer swings at Seaman, but Seaman catches the arm, and dumps him
a T-Bone suplex. )
Simon Seaman: There! Now letâ€™s see those...
Lady: Hell no! Youâ€™re a mean person. Look how much you hurt that poor
Simon Seaman: What?!
( Archer is about to attack Seaman from behind, but over heard the lady.
drops down to the ground, and feigns like he is really hurt. )
Archer: AWWWW!! OWWW!! OHHH!! No! I think Iâ€™m going to
show me youâ€™re boobs now.
Lady: You deserve it.
Simon Seaman: But I...
Lady: Hush you!
[ The lady lifts up her breast, but... ]
JT: WHAT THE FUCK!! THEREâ€™S NOTHING THERE!!
Archer: Uhmm...where are the boobs?
Lady: I gotta double mastectomy. What Iâ€™m supposed to have big breast
so I can excite some man, and risk getting breast cancer. If thatâ€™s what
think you can- AHH!
(Archer pushes her over as he see a hottie in a green min-skirt walk by.
Seaman follows him, but Archer mule kicks him in the groin. Archer is about
to talk to the woman but Seaman grabs his ankle, and he falls over. Seaman
quickly rips him to his feet and... )
GP: THE SILENCER!! SEAMAN HIT IS FINISHER ON BEN ARCHER!!
( Simon Seaman then shows the WOW sticker to the woman, and she flashes
GP: WE HAVE A WINNER!!
Opie: Uhmm...she looks a bit young.
Anthony: Who gives a fuck.
Opie: *speaking into the mic, to the cameraman following the match* Hey
IWO Cameraman: Whatever. Hey sweet cakes, how old you is?
Girl in the mini skirt: Uhmm...17...hehe!
Opie: Thatâ€™s not legal, Simon Seaman is disqualified, and heâ€™ll
arrested, lets get out of here before they blame any of this on us.
Meygon: Winner via Disqualification...BEN ARCHER!!!!
GP: Oh God, that was horrible.
JT: What are talking about? That was the best match of the night. It had
violence, boobies, pubic hair, and under aged nudity. What more can you
[The show comes back on the air as we see....TITAN!]
Titan: And you want me to do this for you and IWO Black members?
[The camera turns over to show John standing there]
Titan: And all I have to do is beat the shit out of people?
John: More or less. You saw the match at Ice Age didn't ya?
John: Well its that.
Titan: Oh but you want me to do it your way?
Titan: Ok, why not.
John: Works for me.
[The scene cuts back Evan and Jamie]
Jamie: Then its settled.
Evan: Fine........im leaving.
[Evan walks out of the room and Jamie sits back and starts to play a game.]
JT: WHOOO HOO! CGI RUMBLE TIME!
GP: Donnie Daze, Syphon Fission and Joey Malone all going to go at it here
to see who's going to be the ultimate CGI King.
JT: C'mon, we all know Daze is the king! He doesn't even need to compete
be the king.
Shallow: Well, you boys are also forgetting one important factor, that being
Special Referee, Jamie Kosoy.
GP: That's right, IWO Chairman, Jamie Kosoy will be the Special Referee
this match, and it looks like we're going to get it underway.
('Crystal' by New Order starts and Joey Malone and Keri Lindum appear
backstage and they strike a pose on top of the entrance ramp. The crowd
nuts, and they do a semi-jog to the ring.)
Meygon: The following Triple Threat, Special Referee match, is scheduled
one fall. Making his way to the ring, from Phoenix, Arizona - weighing in,
at 249 Pounds, and being accompanied by Keri Lindum...Joey Malone!
(The crowd continues to go nuts as Malone jumps into the ring. Next, 'Your
Disease' by Saliva begins to play, and Donnie Daze walks from backstage
directly to the ring, the odd snort and spit as he heads to the ring, don't
go over well with the fans.)
Meygon: And his opponents, first, From Port St. Lucie, Florida weighing in
at 225 pounds, being accompanied by Joey Legion and Matt Senate...Donnie
(Daze jumps into the ring, and leans in the corner, Malone still keeps on
his feet, and doesn't loose eye contact with Daze for a second. 'Papercut'
by Linkin Park starts up, and the last competitor, Syphon Fission with Quinn
Morgan comes from the top of the ramp and heads to the ring.)
Meygon: And the final opponent, being accompanied by Quinn Morgan, from
Seattle, Washington, weighing in, at 265 pounds...Syphon Fission!
(The crowd fires up again for Fission as he makes tracks to the ring. All
three are now light on there feet and only await one thing.)
Meygon: Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may introduce the Special Referee for
this match, the IWO Chairman, Mr. Jamie Kosoy!
(No crowd reaction, no music, no nothing. The faintest cricket chirping is
all that can be recieved in the dull, lifeless moment. But the strangest
thing, No Jamie!)
GP: This match just waiting for IWO Chairman, Jamie Kosoy now.
JT: Well, I'm keen for a beer. Shallow?
Shallow: Yeah, sure...
GP: Sit down you two. He won't be far off.
(Meygon decides to announce him again.)
Meygon: ...the Chairman of the IWO...JAMIE KOSOY!!!!
(Yet another awkward moment of silence. One of the ring crew members
cameraman off to the back to find him, we follow him on screen.)
GP: Well, one way or another we're going to find out what's going on. Folks,
if you've just joined us for the CGI Rumble, we will get it underway
shortly, we're just looking for our special referee for this match, Jamie
Kosoy - he won't be far off.
(The camera is shown out the front of a dressing room with a hugh label
stating "The Boss" on it. The Cameraman knocks and goes in, only to find
Jamie quite happily playing on his Nintendo.)
Jamie: Don't you knock?
Cameraman: I did sir, But I was in a hurry, they need you for the CGI
Jamie: Yeah, I'm a little busy right now, maybe another time.
Cameraman: What are you doing?
Jamie: I'm working on a high score, what does it look like I'm doing?
Cameraman: It looks like your playing Mario Kart.
Cameraman: Working on a high score.
Jamie: That's right, so if you don't mind, I'd like to be left in peace.
Cameraman: Well, sir, it's kind of been a long day, and I was wondering if
could, ahh, join you for a quick race.
Jamie: You think you could challenge me (chuckle) to (snigger) Mario Kart!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!
Cameraman: With all due respect sir, I think I could whoop your ass.
Jamie: Oh you are on.
(Cut back to the ring.)
JT: Great! Now what the hell are we supposed to do!
GP: I guess it's a no contest.
JT: My ass it's a no contest, Your winner, DONNIE DAZE!
GP: I don't think so, JT.
Shallow: Here comes another Ref.
GP: Excellent, IWO Official Bobby Hobby coming to the ring, and we're
to get this one underway.
***Ding, Ding, Ding***
GP: And we're straight into it, Fission and Malone go into a lockup, and
Donnie looks to take a rest back in his corner, he really doesn't want to be
JT: He doesn't wanna be...Where is your head, Parker! Donnie is wrestling a
very smart match, conserving his energy for later on.
Shallow: It looks like Malone is doing Fission doggy style.
GP: No, Shallow, he's just having a hard time locking in a Pump Handle slam.
JT: Then how do you explain Malone yelling "You like that don't ya bitch!"
GP: Umm, mind games?
Shallow: He's got it locked, prepped and...
JT: YES! Donnie Daze strikes while the iron is hot! Yeah! A shot to the back
of the legs by Daze on Malone! Whoo ho!
GP: Malone drops Fission, Daze drops Malone, and Daze going for a quick
cover, One! Two! And an early kickout by Malone.
JT: Ahh, That's the way, Donnie, keep on him.
GP: Fission is taking Daze up with him while Malone is on the ground. A whip
into the corner by Fission..heh, it looks like Daze is spending a lot of
time in that corner tonight, JT.
JT: Get your hand off it.
Shallow: SLAM! Straight into superplex! did you guys see that!!!
JT: Noooooo, Parker was talking.
GP: It's my job to talk!
JT: Not to me!
GP: Then who do I talk to?
GP: Don't be silly.
JT: What's wrong with Shallow?
Shallow: I can see his weiney! I can see his weiney!
JT: I see your point.
JT: Malone has since gotten back up and delivering a fabulous standing
vertical suplex to Fission, Donnie laying unconsious on the ground from an
apparent superplex. And Malone finishes it off with a....SLAM! Nicely done,
but Everybody, DON'T COUNT OUT DAZE!
GP: Malone heading up top now. Looks like he's going to Whisper in the
JT: He's gunna take a leak? Awww, man, we usually save that kind of
for President Levine!
GP: A Corkscrew Moonsault then.
JT: WHILE he's taking a piss!? Awww, man, I'm gunna puke!
Shallow: JT? Have you seen my baseball?
GP: SMACK! Nicely executed onto Fission, Malone is going to a cover,
a One! There's a Two, and There's a Donnie Daze breaking up the Three
JT: DONNIE IS BACK! YEAH! Daze looks like he's going to get Malone, and
setting him up for a Dazed and Confused...He's Up! He's Down! It's all over,
Ring the bell, stop the match, it's all said and done. A Cover, a One! a
Two! And...GODDAMIT! Fission, stop being a pain!
GP: He's in the match as well, he can do what he wants.
JT: Not breaking up Donnie's falls he can't.
GP: Fission is throwing Donnie to the ropes, He comes off, he ducks, off
them again, another duck, they both launch a flying elbow! And they both
connect! Daze and Fission are both out! Malone is creeping to his feet, he
picks up Fission, and an Everest Cataclysm for Syphon! He's picking up
And a Sureshot for him! Daze has flown over the ropes! Malone is going for
Shallow: There's Two!
JT: And there goes my guts. I farted.
***Ding, Ding, Ding***
Meygon: The winner off this match, Joey Malone!
GP: A well fought match, despite all the odds, and I must say, Your boy did
JT: Aw, Stuff Donnie.
(Cut backstage to see Kosoy in a fury, the Cameraman has apparently beaten
Jamie at least 10 times at Mario Kart, and a large whiteboard with
10 - Jamie 0 tells us how it went down. Jamie, storms out of the room, and
more than likely goes home.)
[The scene opens to a shot of the ring, where flames
are shooting from the ring posts and the lights are
dimmed. In the background, you can see cheering fans
on their feet, pumping their fists and showing their
GP: Fans, welcome to the main event here on Monday
JT: Yeah, welcome them before this match gets too hot
to handle. Itâ€™s bound to get nasty down here, and Iâ€™m
ready to watch it all.
Shallow: Once again, JT, youâ€™re too overexcited about
everything. Remember that time you almost shot your
load off when you heard Pamela Anderson was going to
be on the show?
JT: Pamelaâ€™s hot. And isnâ€™t she Mrs. Kid Rock
GP: Pipe down you two. It doesnâ€™t matter whoâ€™s married
with who or whoâ€™s banging whose wife, because this is
the main event, and boy is it a big one!
JT: Well, anytime you have two stars like Nuke and AWS
Man squaring off, itâ€™s a main event.
Shallow: But itâ€™s not just any match. Itâ€™s an inferno
GP: Hotlanta match, to be exact, but thatâ€™s not all!
This is also a Gladiators match!
JT: Every gladiators match that has occurred has been
an instant classic, and this should be no different.
Just to make things interesting, no one knows who the
Glads areâ€¦until tonight, that is.
Shallow: Thatâ€™s how you keep the ratings up, ladies
GP: No more delay. Folks, here come the challengers!
['Three Point One Four' by the Bloodhound Gang comes
on to the PA system, and suddenly AWS Man (Also known
as Bill) emerges from the backstage area.]
Announcer: He stands at 6'1', weighing in at 236
poundsâ€¦this is AWS MAN! (Also known as Bill)
[' Till Hell Freezes Over ' by D12 comes on, and Nuke
comes out to the ring.]
Announcer: He stands at 6â€™4â€™â€™, weighing in at 240
poundsâ€¦he is NUKE!
[The two men circle each other, sparring around, until
the announcerâ€™s voice comes on again.]
GP: They look like theyâ€™re ready to go at it.
JT: They sure do, but this isnâ€™t ready to begin just
Shallow: Here come the Gladsâ€¦
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is an INFERNO
match! The first man to light the other on fire will
be declared the winner! But before that will occur,
they will both have to engage in a Gladiator match!
[Nuke and AWS Man both stop in their tracks, and
suddenly turn their attention to the backstage ramp,
where they await the announcement of the Gladiators.]
Announcer: And here are the Gladiatorsâ€¦
[The backstage ramp bursts into fireworks, and
suddenly six men begin to run out. The first man isâ€¦.
The second man isâ€¦
â€¦THE MYSTERIOUS ONE!
The third man isâ€¦
The fourth man isâ€¦
The fifth man isâ€¦
And the final gladiator isâ€¦
â€¦THE RAGING ONE!
[All six men pile in the ring, surrounding AWS Man and
Nuke. Flames burst all around the ring, encircling it.
The bell sounds, and suddenly chaos breaks out.]
GP: This is it! The six gladiators are in the ring!
JT: What a shocker! Legends like Titan, The Mysterious
One, King Stingâ€¦theyâ€™re all legends! And theyâ€™re all
in the same ring!
Shallow: Not to mention the fact that theyâ€™re about to
beat the living hell out of AWS Man and Nuke.
[The Mysterious One grabs Nuke, whipping him into the
ropes. He attempts a hip toss, but Nuke reverses it,
slamming the Mysterious One to the mat. He writhes in
pain as Nuke celebrates, but King Sting comes from
behind, engraving his knee into the back of Nuke. He
falls to the ground on his stomach, only to be grabbed
by Evan Levine. Evan executes a beautiful standing
dropkick, which rocks Nuke dangerously close to the
flames near the edge of the ring. Nuke edges away from
the flames slowly.]
GP: Nuke with a nice reversal! But Levine was there
with a dropkick!
JT: Nice to see Levine can still get in the air.
Shallow: Nice to see Nuke didnâ€™t burn his head off
from the flames. How the hell are they going to fight
off six other men? Itâ€™s a 3 on 1!
JT: These are the best of the best. They can do it.
Shallow: Or get toasted in the process.
GP: Ah, câ€™est la vie.
[Titan and AWS are locked up in the corner. Titan
backs off for a second, but then rams his knee into
the gut of AWS, who doubles over in pain. A multitude
of kicks ensue, and AWS finds himself on his backside
against the ropes. Dudley pushes Titan out of the way
as he takes his boot and uses it to choke AWS out. AWS
struggles to get the foot off his throat, but can only
alleviate the pain so much. Dudley gets AWS back on
his feet, leveling him with a chop to the chest. He
then whips him to the other corner, but AWS Man
reverses it, firing him into Titan. They both ram into
the ropes, but do not go over. The Raging One,
however, catches AWS Man with a clothesline, bringing
him back down to the mat.]
GP: AWS Man was fighting valiantly there, but he was
overwhelmed by three men.
JT: He canâ€™t give up. If he can withstand the
punishment, he can come out the victor here.
Shallow: I donâ€™t envy his job. Fighting just one guy
is tough enough.
[Evan Levine has Nuke in a bear hug, but Nuke fights
out with several headbutts, which dazes both men. As
Nuke stumbles backwards, The Mysterious One sets him
up for a neckbreaker. Nuke reverses the attempt,
however, spinning him around and hitting a DDT. The
fans cheer as Nuke flies back to his feet, pumping his
fists. He spins around, to come face to face with King
Sting. He rushes in for a clothesline, but King Sting,
hits a drop toe hold, bringing him down to his knees.
He tries to latch on a sleeper hold, but Nuke slams
his elbow in his face, dropping him quickly. Nuke
grabs him by his hair, and throws him over the ropes,
and into the fire.]
Announcer: KING STING HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: Nuke just eliminated King Sting! What a great
JT: That was old fashioned. Grab the hair and toss the
Shallow: Whatever works, I suppose. He still has five
other men to get rid of.
[As King Sting goes over, The Mysterious One hits a
low blow on Nuke, who leans against the ropes in pain.
He slams his fists into Nukeâ€™s head, rocking him
dangerously over the ropes. Nuke, however, responds
with two swift kicks to The Mysterious Oneâ€™s knee, and
he drops to the mat. Nuke spins him into a reverse
neckbreaker, stunning the Mysterious One. Levine comes
over, grabbing Nuke by the waist, and executing a
german suplex. Nuke lands on the back of his neck, and
is stunned. The Mysterious One is back on his feet,
and Levine tells him to hold Nuke while he punishes
him. He does so, and Levine fires lefts and rights at
GP: Look at this punishment! Nuke is being handed his
JT: Levine is showing why heâ€™s the boss.
Shallow: And the Mysterious One is his secretary!
[Levine signals for another dropkick, but as he flies
in the air, Nuke breaks the hold on him, and Levine
hits The Mysterious One over the top rope!]
Announcer: THE MYSTERIOUS ONE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: The dropkick worked, but on the wrong person!
JT: Too legit! Too legit to quit!
Shallow: Oh brother.
[Meanwhile, Titan has AWS Man in a spinebuster
position and executes the hold. AWS Man screams in
agony, as The Raging One stomps away. Raging One
brings AWS back on his feet, and fires a head butt at
him, but does not drop him to the mat. He goes for
another, but AWS fires a uppercut, dropping Raging One
like a fly. He turns back to Titan who goes for a
right hand, but AWS Man ducks underneath, executing a
KNOCK YOUR FREAKINâ€™ FACE OFF! The thrust kick knocks
Titan to the mat, and he lies there unmoving. Dudley,
however, is on the top rope, and flies off with a
double axe handle. AWS Man falls to his back, grabbing
his face. Dudley continues the assault with a
powerbomb attempt, but AWS Man reverses it, executing
a back body drop.]
GP: AWS Man showing great perseverance!
JT: Seeing the KNOCK YOUR FREAKINâ€™ FACE OFF was well
worth the price of admission.
Shallow: That, and watching Dudley do a double axe
handle. That was hilarious.
[AWS Man takes Dudley in there, setting him up in a
gorilla press, and throws him over the top rope. As he
does, however, Levine comes over and executes a
Announcer: MICHAEL DUDLEY HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: Unbelievable! Levine executed a beautiful
JT: Get back to the point, which was AWS Man
eliminating Dudley! With a gorilla press no less!
Shallow: AWS Man showing heâ€™s not just another pretty
face. That took a lot of strength.
[Levine continues to assault AWS Man, as Titan comes
over as well. As he does, however, Nuke strikes with a
string of dropkicks, keeping both Raging One and Titan
away. Levine brings AWS back to his feet, whipping him
into the ropes. He executes a shoulder block, knocking
him to the mat. Levine then goes for an Asai
moonsault, but AWS Man gets the knees up. Levine grabs
his gut, trying to roll over to the ropes. AWS Man is
the first up, and he throws Levine back into the
corner. Levine looks dazed, and he flies over the top
rope as AWS Man hits a series of European uppercuts,
the last one sending him over.]
Announcer: EVAN LEVINE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: There he goes! Evanâ€™s out!
JT: He was the most aggressive Glad, but I guess not
everyone can survive.
Shallow: Gosh, I think thereâ€™s a tear in my eye. No
wait, it was vodka. My bad.
[Nuke is backed into the corner by the combined
strength of Titan and the Raging One, and heâ€™s trying
to keep them away with random punches. Titan makes the
first move, executing a dropkick to the knee, bringing
him to his knees. Raging One then kicks him in the
face, much to the fans chagrin. AWS Man comes over,
grabbing Titan by the shoulders and executing a
diamond cutter type move. Raging One comes over to
attack AWS Man, but AWS Man hits a jaw breaker. Raging
One stumbles backwards, and as he does, Nuke gets back
to his feet and hits a spin wheel kick, sending Raging
One over the top rope.]
Announcer: THE RAGING ONE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: One gladiator is left! And what a glad he is!
JT: TITAN! TITAN! TITAN!
Shallow: I bet youâ€™re a Ric Flair mark too, arenâ€™t
[AWS Man and Nuke team up against Titan, backing him
against the ropes. Punches and kicks knock Titan
senseless, until finally, he cannot defend himself.
AWS Man whips Titan into the far ropes, where he sits
against them, ripe for elimination. AWS Man and Nuke
both nod their heads, joining hands, and running
forward, going for a double clothesline. At the last
second though, AWS Man lets go, and Nuke eliminates
Titan. As he turns around, AWS Man hits the DROP YOU
ON YOUR FREAKINâ€™ FACE!]
Announcer: TITAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
GP: Thatâ€™s it! Theyâ€™ve eliminated Titan!
JT: But AWS Man was smarter! He just hit the DROP YOU
ON YOUR FREAKINâ€™ FACE! Thatâ€™s a set up for the
Shallow: Nukeâ€™s in big, big trouble. He eliminated
more Glads, but AWS Man is getting ready to win the
[AWS Man sets up Nuke in the middle of the ring, and
heads for the top rope. As he does, the fans get to
their feet, anticipating AWS Manâ€™s finisher.]
GP: Could this be it? Could this be it?
JT: WIN THE FREAKINâ€™ MATCHIFIER! THIS IS IT!
Shallow: I havenâ€™t seen a five star press in ages!
[AWS Man goes for the five star press, but Nuke moves
out of the way, as AWS Man falls on his face. Nuke
uses the ropes to get back to his feet, and hits a
legdrop on AWS Man. He goes for the pin, but realizes
this isnâ€™t a standard match.]
GP: Nuke must be a bit dazed. He hasnâ€™t realized that
you canâ€™t win by a submission. Itâ€™s an inferno match!
JT: What do you expect? He just got hit with the setup
move for the Matchifier. Iâ€™m wondering if he remember
his own name.
Shallow: That was a nice leg drop. Shades of Hogan
[Nuke grabs AWS Man by the hair, hitting two hard
right hands, and then grabbing him by the cuff of his
neck. He runs forward, preparing to throw him over the
top rope, but AWS Man blocks it, throwing a forearm
shot at Nukeâ€™s face. Nuke doubles over in pain as
blood drips down his face from his nose. AWS Man kicks
him in the gut, and then signals that heâ€™s going for
the BUZZ FREAKINâ€™ SAW!]
GP: If he hits it, thereâ€™s no way Nuke can win!
JT: I must concur. No one escapes the BUZZ FREAKINâ€™
Shallow: Not to mention that itâ€™s a disgusting move.
[AWS Man prepares to hit his submission move, but Nuke
gouges AWS Man in the eye first. AWS Man leans up
against the ropes as he canâ€™t see, and Nuke gets back
to his feet. He picks up AWS Man in a fireman carry,
and begins spinning AWS Man around. He stops suddenly,
dizzying out, and collapses near the ropes, causing
AWS Man to spill over the top rope, and catching on
GP: Thatâ€™s it! Thatâ€™s it! Itâ€™s over! NUKE HAS WON THE
JT: The fireman carry won it for Nuke!
Shallow: I canâ€™t believe my eyes! A firemanâ€™s carry!
Announcer: THE WINNER OF THE MATCHâ€¦.NUUUUUUUUUUUKE!
GP: Fans, weâ€™ve got to go, but this match is all over!
JT: AWS Man had it won! He could have been the
survivor! But Nuke comes out victorious.
Shallow: AWS Man isnâ€™t going to be a happy camper.
Anyways, is anyone putting him out?
GP: Weâ€™re off, fans. Weâ€™ll see you at Hostile
[Scene fades out as Nuke is on the ring apron,
throwing his hands in the air in victory.]