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IWO Hostile Takeover!
6/13/01!
Live, From the IWO Easter Egg Arena!

[The scene opens with a heart beating sound as IWO banner fades in as words fly all around it. Pride, Honor pass the screen as the banner fades out. As it fades in the words Phelen Kell and Zombie fly around the screen to another heart beat. Then as a O flies across the screen we see the words Hate and Love fly around and fade in. With the last heart beat the O flies in with the names Mysterious One and Titan following it. Finally the IWO comes ablaze as the IWO symbol flies past it as it fades out.]

(The show opens up with Keri Lindum sitting by herself
outside the locker rooms, and beside a closet. Her
hands hide her beautiful face. She's thinking to
herself.)

Keri Lindum: *sigh* Why did Kent invite me to come
here?

(She sighs again, before a figure, clad in what seems
to be a black dress, appears to her side. She doesn't
notice.)

Julie Malone-Carson: ...Looks like you could use a
break.

(Keri looks up quickly, but it's too late, because
Julie... who's taller and a bit stronger than Keri,
grabs her by her long hair and flings her into the
closet. She closes the door and then puts a chair
under the doorknob. She nods her own approval.)

Julie Malone-Carson: That takes care of one problem...
heh heh...

(She walks away, while we hear Keri's screaming,
trying to get out of her predictament. Scene fades to
black.)

(We fade in on a new HT set. Everything looks extremely different. The old set is completely missing! Instead of a normal curtain-surrounded-by-steel set... there's nothing but the Hostile Takeover logo set on the floor, with a deep indented line going through the center of it. Instead of the old IWOTron... there's a big screen, with four smaller screens on each side of it. It hangs in mid-air, and a crane-like structure ties it to the rafters. Right now, the top three screens (left, top, and right) are showing single letters of the IWO logo. The bottom screen is showing the IWO shield. And in the middle... is the Hostile Takeover logo on the big-screen. "Politically Correct" by SR-71 hits... and the floor OPENS UP? YES! THIS IS THE NEW ENTRANCE! The floor slides apart, and smoke billows from the exit. Lights begin to flash down the low-set ramp, not unlike the one at WrestleMania X-7, only at a much lower angle, and a little bit shorter. Out steps IWO "Commissioner" Kevin.)

"Commish" Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen... WELCOME TO THE NEW HOSTILE TAKEOVER! NEW, IMPROVED, AND A LOT LESS OF AN EYESORE! Tonight will be a big night... if not for this, but for the fact that VP Tom or our own CEO may finally be getting laid! AND THAT'S BIG! Now... sit back... enjoy... AND SEE OUR OFFICIAL THEME SONG!

(We fade out to blackness... the IWO shield comes up on-screen. "Naveed" by Our Lady Peace plays.)

"come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come stay
come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come naveed
are you there, and is it comfortable?
did you want to escape, try to escape the population?
the pressure is deceiving,
for you particularly should we let a young man die?"

{Pictures of Zombie, of Phelen Kell, of Moonstone, of Al Coholic, of King Sting, of Titan... come up. They fade to shots of the old days of the IWO... Al Coholic landing the Happy Hour... Zombie with a Zombieplex, Kell planting Zombie with Steel Rain, King Sting locking in the Scorpion Deathlock... all of this culminates in the showing of the old old IWO logo, in red-and-black.}

let him die if he wants to?

{Ken War dying. Words appear on screen.)

DYING WAS A NATURAL STEP BACK IN THE DAY...

"die if he wants to
i can't live here anymore
but it's hard when you reach for that floor
and there's something that tears me inside, so I can't go"

{We watch as Zombie and Titan go at it... back and forth... Titan going for a Titan X-Press is paused, as if on a VCR. A hole appears in the center of it. Black-fringed.}

IT WAS THE END OF A JOURNEY.

brother are you there?
now tell me is it wonderful
or were you hoping to find, hoping to find something a little more?

{The hole burns through... and slowly wipes away the entire scene. Blackness is there... and the IWO shield fades in from seemingly nowhere.}

climbing down the hours I need to know now
do the hands of time only rule this chapter
i'll have to try once again, i'll have to try when I want to,
try when i want to

(Donnie Daze taking down someone with Dazed and Confused.)

i can't live here anymore
but it's hard when you reach for that floor
and there's something that tears me inside
i can't live here anymore
anymore, anymore

(Kent Anthason hitting Sweet Serenity.)

there he's on his knees again
trying hard to understand
why naveed would let a young man die
convinced that he might break he reaches for that phone
and then another day has gone
oh, another day is gone, oh another day
is gone, is gone, is gone, is gone
is gone, is gone, is gone, is gone
is gone, is gone, is gone, is gone
is gone, is gone, is gone, is gone

(Joey Malone slamming someone with the Everest Cataclysm.)

TODAY... DEATH IS THE FIRST STEP TO GREATNESS.

i can't live here anymore
but it's hard when you reach for that floor
and there's something that tears me inside
i can't live here anymore
i can't live here anymore
i can't live here anymore
i can't live here anymore
i can't live here anymore
anymore

(A barrage of IWO characters, past and present, hit the screen. Capital Punishment, Vietnam Veteran, Jeff King, High Flyer, Tony Davis, AWS Man, Pen, HIT, Daniel Phillips, The Doomsday Express, Penquin, Team Rocket, Ashton Cain, Scott Morris, Rodney Phoenix, RaynMan, The Insane Clown Posse, Dark Wolf, White Thunder, The Deadly Sins, Harold Hash, Scott Styles, Sam Potright, Syphon Fission, LiGiL, Cyanide, Sabastian Crow, Scott Arrows, Ben Archer, and others...)

come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come stay
come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come now
come, come naveed
come, come naveed
come, come naveed,

(The Hostile Takeover logo comes up.)

(WE HIT THE EASTER EGG ARENA! It doesn't break, thank God. It's sold out, though! THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF FANS!)

GP: WELCOME TO THE BRAND-NEW, OOH-LA-LA HOSTILE TAKEOVER! WE'VE HAD A HOSTILE MAKEOVER!

JT: That was gay.

GP: Shut up. Well... this is it! A new HT, perhaps a new IWO! AWS Man goes up against Joey Malone! We could see new Unified Tag Champions! Deadly Sins defend against Suicide Kings! A "new-age" IWO superstar, Donnie Daze, could overcome High Flyer, who has crossed generations, and the old-school Billy Larson!

JT: WHO IS FIRED!

GP: Ah, shut up. What's with you today?

Nikki: He misses his mommy.

JT: No, I DON'T!

Nikki: Sure...

JT: Not since she spanked me have I been close to that woman...

Nikki: JT...

JT: You shouldn't hit your children.

Nikki: JT...

JT: It was sick... terrible...

Nikki: JT, that was that hooker you picked up last week after the show.

JT: ... Oh.

GP: First off, it's the "SPONSOR GETS LAID" MATCH!

** COMMERCIAL BREAK **

GP: FIRST MATCH OF THE NIGHT! And there's a lot at stake.

JT: Like what?

Nikki: Oh, that's simple... virginity.

GP: Yep. Either way you sway it with these two... Vice President Tom and the IWO's CEO, Jamie, BOTH will be at ringside for this match. It involves Goopy The Monkey --

JT: Didn't Tony Davis kill him?

Nikki: .... Hey, yeah. Didn't Davis kill Goopy before we knew it was him?

GP: Well... thanks to our state-of-the-art technology at IWO HQ, ?┐?'s favorite monkey, the unofficial mascot of the IWO, was brought back to life. And he will be facing off against Some Dumb Ass. Jamie is sponsoring Goopy, while Tom has sponsored Some Dumb Ass. Now, no matter which way it is cut... both men will get laid. However... depending on who wins and who loses, there will be different virginities broken. The winner gets the dubious honor of being ridden by not one, not two, NOT THREE, BUT FOUR hot, sing-song women... who are called B*Witched. From Ireland... and red-hot.

JT: HOW COME THE EXECS GET THE CHANCE TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

GP: Well... the match was signed without you in mind, JT.

Nikki: Who would have sex with you, anyway?

JT: Hmmm... you seemed rather memorable back at Ice Age I...

Nikki: Oh... well... I almost forgot about that.

JT: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

* REPLAY FROM ICE AGE I *

(Backstage, darkness... a voice is heard.)

JT: Oh yeah... that's it...

(A popping noise is heard.)

JT: Oh yeah, baby... c'mon...

*END REPLAY*

GP: Well... if you, the fans, don't remember that, that was the aftermath of the main event of Ice Age... the World Title tournament. Ken War had taken the title over Justin Shack. During the match, Nikki dragged JT backstage by his hair, with apparent malice in mind.

JT: HA! Malice turned to... well... I can't say it on TV.

Nikki: ... Well... I knew that would come back after me... so I've been keeping something on hand for that moment.

* REPLAY FROM ICE AGE I *

JT: Oh yeah, baby... c'mon...

*click*

(Lights fill the room. JT's pants are down... and at the doorway, is Nikki.)

Nikki: I FOUND YOU, YOU LITTLE (bleep)... and... OH MY GOD! It's so...

JT: OH (bleep)! (BLEEPBLEEPBLEEP)!

Nikki: ... SMALL! AND IS THAT IN A BOTTLE?

JT: ... (BLEEP) ME!

Nikki: Looks like the bottle is already doing it.

JT: Oh, (bleep)... this (bleep)in' sucks.

*END REPLAY*

JT: DAMMIT! ... DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!

GP: ...

Nikki: Ha. Ha ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

(The crowd is laughing.)

JT: ... IT'S NOT FUNNY! Nikki wanted to do it to me, I swear. But... well..

Nikki: Well what?

JT: ... SHUT UP!

("Hail To The Chief" by the IWO Orchestra hits. Out comes VP Tom... and behind him... is a donkey.)

JT: A DONKEY?

GP: A BOTTLE, JT?

JT: SHUT UP! CALL THE MATCH!

GP: The match hasn't begun yet!

JT: CALL THE ENTRANCE THEN!

Nikki: Well... this is Some Dumb Ass, I guess.

(The donkey gets on the apron... AND JUMPS OVER THE TOP ROPE!)

GP: WOW! What a jackass!

JT: Did you just insult the donkey?

GP: NO! A jackass is a donkey!

Some Dumb Ass: HEE-HAW!

GP: It's his battle cry!

JT: I thought he said "I need to take a piss."

Nikki: So you speak Donkeyese?

JT: Yeah.

Nikki: So I guess you know when a female donkey says "yeah... give it to me... c'mon... IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? I can't feel anything!"

JT: ... SHUT UP!

("Do The Electric Slide" hits. The lights go down...)

GP: Here comes a man...

Nikki: You mean a monkey..

GP: A myth... a legend... IT'S... GOOPY!

(Lights gleam on each side of the ramp. Two pyro comets fly down each side, going right into the "pit" entryway. The door opens... and out come Goopy. Following him... comes Chief Executive Officer of the IWO... Jamie.)

GP: LISTEN TO THIS REACTION!

(A "Goopy" chant breaks out to the crowd.)

GP: Oh, I almost forgot! The loser does get laid, too!

JT: By who?

GP: Well.. they're a hot band from Florida...

JT: DREAM?

GP: ... No. They've sold several million records...

JT: SPICE GIRLS?

NIKKI: THE SPICE GIRLS? YOU MORON! THEY'RE FROM ENGLAND!

GP: They are huge stars, and million of pre-teen, semi-retarded girls love them... it's the five boys of N*SYNC!

JT: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ANYONE BUT THEM!

GP: Yes... N*SYNC. They seemed very interesting in having some enjoyment with the loser of the match.

Nikki: What about B*Witched?

GP: No... they put us back millions. We probably should have gotten Britney Spears...

Nikki: But she's had sex with everyone!

GP: Yeah... I imagine that's why we've chosen B*Witched.

JT: Oh.

GP: Well... it looks like we have Goopy and Some Dumb Ass in the ring. This will be a hellacious match.

("It's Easy, M'Kay" by Mr. Mackey hits the speakers.)

JT: What the hell...?

GP: OH YEAH! THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE!

JT: Can't you remember ANYTHING?

(Out comes Sexual Harassment Panda.)

JT: Isn't he a cartoon character? A mascot for sexual harassment?

GP: Yep... that's why he's here. It's cartoon mascot night in the IWO.

JT: Joy.

(We cut to a picture of joy.)

JT: HEY! THIS ISN'T A JOEY MALONE PROMO!

(We go back to the ring.)

JT: That's better.

(Sexual Harassment Panda gets in the ring.)

*DING DING DING*

GP: And here we go... Some Dumb Ass is walking around the ring... and seems to be... walking around the ring. He's going to the corner... he might be going for something high-risk!

JT: ... HE'S EATING THE TURNBUCKLE!

GP: HE'S GOING HARDCORE!

JT: No, HE'S HUNGRY! This is stupid. I can smell how crappy this is going to be.

Nikki: Goopy... he's sitting there... and he's sniffing his ass. My god, the ratings are going to be hell tomorrow morning. At least for this quarter-hour.

GP: Well... action is sure going to pick up sooner or later! Some Dumb Ass... he's turning around... Goopy quits sniffing his ass... THE DONKEY... HE CHARGES! OH! DOWN GOES GOOPY! IT WAS A GORE FROM SOME DUMB ASS! Some Dumb Ass... he goes for a cover!

Sexual Harassment Panda: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS BAD! AS A PANDA, I SHOULD KNOW!

JT: WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

GP: I dunno...

Sexual Harassment Panda: Now, sexual harassment is a bad thing. If someone touches your... heiny, then that's sexual harassment, and that's bad. If someone touches you in any which way that is bad... you've suffered sexual harassment. You can sue.

GP: You know... Goopy has kicked out. Sexual Harassment Panda is playing to the crowd...

JT: Hmmm...

(JT is scribbling things down in a notebook.)

Nikki: JT, what the hell are you doing?

JT: This is some good stuff.

Nikki: JT...

JT: What?

Nikki: You can't be harassed unless women like you in the first place.

JT: I can't?

Nikki: Nope.

GP: Some Dumb Ass is trying to get some words with Sexual Harassment Panda... Goopy is up! Goopy behind Some Dumb Ass... Sexual Harassment Panda is arguing with Some Dumb Ass!

Sexual Harassment Panda: Sexual Harassment is bad!

Some Dumb Ass: HEE-HAW!

Sexual Harassment Panda: Don't you dare call me that!

Some Dumb Ass: HEE-HAW!

Sexual Harassment Panda: Stop!

Some Dumb Ass: HEE-HAW!

Sexual Harassment Panda: I'M GONNA SUE!

Some Dumb Ass: HEE-HAW!

GP: SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA JUST SLAPPED SOME DUMB ASS! ... DONKEY GORE FROM SOME DUMB ASS! DONKEY GORED SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDA OUT OF THE RING! And Jamie... he's in the ring! He's got a clipboard! HE HANDED THE CLIPBOARD TO GOOPY! Some Dumb Ass turns around... GOOPY HITS HIM WITH THE CLIPBOARD! DOWN GOES SOME DUMB ASS! DOWN GOES SOME DUMB ASS! GOOPY WITH A COVER! AND JAMIE COUNTS! ONE... TWO... TOM PULLS OUT JAMIE! TOM IN THE RING! HE PULLS GOOPY OFF OF SOME DUMB ASS!

JT: These guys BOTH WANNA GET LAID FOR ONCE!

Nikki: Goopy is being held back by VP Tom! BUT JAMIE'S BACK IN THERE! FOREARM TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD OF TOM! Jamie... kick to the stomach... PRESIDENTAL STUNNER! PRESIDENTAL STUNNER! HE HAS TAKEN OUT VP TOM! JAMIE KOSOY HAS TAKEN OUT VP TOM! AND HE IS PULLING HIM TOWARDS SOME DUMB ASS! BUT... HEY, WHAT THE HELL?!! IT'S... THAT'S KEVIN!

JT: WHO?

GP: THAT'S KEVIN! I SUPPOSE HE'S THE "COMMISH" OF THE IWO! He's in the ring... Jamie has Goopy... Tom... Tom's down... Commish Kevin is in the ring... FROM BEHIND! NEIL! IT'S ETNU NEIL! NEIL HAS A CHAIR! Kevin pointed to Neil! And... Neil swings -- BUT NO HE DOESN'T! Ah ha... KEVIN FROM BEHIND! KATA HAJIME ON JAMIE! He throws him into the corner... Neil sets up the chair... KEVIN GOES AGAINST THE ROPES, AND SLAMS JAMIE WITH A SIX-INCH DROPKICK! Kevin takes the chair off of Jamie... hands it to Neil... NEIL TAKES OUT SOME DUMB ASS!

JT: WHAT THE HELL?

GP: Goopy goes after Neil... NEIL SWATS HIS HEAD OFF!

Nikki: Kevin puts a foot on Some Dumb Ass! Neil with a foot on Goopy! The Sexual Harassment Panda is back in, he doesn't know the rules! ONE... TWO.... THREE! Neil and Kevin have somehow won this thing!

JT: THIS MEANS... THEY GET B*WITCHED! JAMIE AND TOM... OH GOOD GOD! OH GOOD GOD! THEY'RE GOING TO GET --

Nikki: DON'T EVEN SAY IT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING IT!

GP: WE ALL ALREADY KNOW, ANYWAY! Jamie is KICKING AND SCREAMING!

Jamie: DAMMIT! NO! I WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO A GIRL, DAMMIT, A GIRL!

(Out comes N*SYNC. We hear a thousand million pre-pubescent girls scream. Tom and Jamie attempt to run away, but the girlish men circle the ring and grab at them.)

Justin: I got this big boy!

JAMIE: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THAT'S IT! "COMMISH" KEVIN IS FIRED FROM HIS SPOT!

(Kevin and Neil are at the top of the ramp.)

Kevin: Who CARES? I'VE GOT MYSELF SOME FINNNNNNNNNNEE POON-TANG!

(He walks backstage.)

Jamie: AND IT'S EFFECTIVE TONIGHT! AWS MAN AND JOEY MALONE WILL NOW BE A STREET FIGHT! NOW WILL SOMEONE GET THESE FLAMING MONGLOIDS AWAY FROM ME?

[ The scene opens with Bryan Fury trying to talk to Kent Anthason ]

Bryan Fury: Hello, my name is Bryan Fury, and I'm think I'm officially in the IWO now. This is so like awesome, I've waited all my life for this moment, and now it's here. I was actually part of the IWO before, in the IWO Black, but now I am in the real IWO, this is just so cool, maybe me and you could be fr--

[ Kent Anthason pushes him into a wall ]

Kent: Move, Rookie.

[ Kent Anthason walks by him ]

Bryan: What the hell was that for?

[ Kent Anthason turns around ]

Bryan: Um...I mean....Uh....carry on.

[ Kent Anthason goes to Bryan Fury's face ]

Kent: Listen, Rookie! I'm not in the mood for your $hit, so you better get out of the way, before I make you, and you don't want that, do you?

Bryan: No, Sir.

Kent: That's what I thought.

[ Kent Anthason walks away ]

Bryan: Damn, I don't want to get beat up, and fired on the first day on the job...

[ Screen Fades ]

(Scene opens to Kent Anthason and Alyssa Cleeda, who
have been busy searching for Keri Lindum.)

Kent Anthason: ...Where could she be?

Alyssa Cleeda: I'm not sure...

(They walk some more, but as they walk, Alyssa falls a
bit behind. Suddenly, someone grabs Alyssa and pulls
her out of the hallway. Kent turns around to say
something to Alyssa, and then notices that she's
gone.)

Kent Anthason: ...Alyssa? ...ALYSSA!

(Scene cuts to IWO CEO Jamie Kosoy's office. He's currently having his butt... well, you know, when suddenly, Joey Malone barges in,
and dumps the IWO World Title on his desk. He leans
over and stares at Kosoy.)

Joey Malone: ....Hi.

CEO Jamie Kosoy: OW! ...What the HELL do you want,
you freak?

Joey Malone: You called. Remember? A monkey came to my
door and told me that you wanted to see me. Jamiekins,
don't tell me you forgot that I'm the World champion.

CEO Kosoy: Wait, YOU'RE the World Champion?! Oh
my god, the IWO's gone to -- OUCH! -- hell, hasn't it?

Joey Malone: Probably.

President Kosoy: Well, anyway, I need to bring ratings
up, so tonight... you're facing AWS Man (also known as
Bill)... geez, who's thing is that? Lance's?

Joey Malone: I know that, dummie.

CEO Kosoy: In a street fight.

Joey Malone: ...Oh. Okay.

CEO Kosoy: Wait a second, you're supposed to be
a tweener, and you're supposed to go -- owwwwwww -- all postal at me
for booking you in a street fight.

Joey Malone: I am? Well, sorry. I need to work on that
"How To Be An Effective Tweener" book, then. Toodles.

(He leaves, with the title.)

CEO Kosoy: Ugh. I need to find out how the hell
HE became champion... OUCH! OUCH! NOT THAT HARD!

** COMMERCIAL BREAK **

Unified Tag Team Title Match
Deadly Sins-c-/-c- vs. Suicide Kings
Special Guest Ref: The Nestle Quik Rabbit


GP : The match we have up next will be doozyrific. The Unified Tag Team
champs, the Deadly Sins, will be taking on the Suicide Kings, in a
match
reffed by the Nestle Quik Rabbit. It's craziness, I tells ya!

JT : Parker, I don't think you should be allowed to announce the
upcoming
match anymore.

GP : BUT I NEED TO LIKE I NEED THE CRACK!

(Nikki and JT stare at GP.)

GP : I mean ... please?

JT : Oh, OK, when you put it like that.

Meygon : Introducing first, the IWO World Tag Team and unofficial I/C
Tag
champions ... hailing from that place, that they're from (OOC : Sorry,
roster
pages are screwy wewy), and accompanied tonight by Audrey Gibson ...
the
masters of the Wrath and the Degrees of Sin ... Jack Breaker and Jake
Walker,
the DEEAAADDDLLYY SSSIIINNNSSSS!!

("Space Suit" by They Might Be Giants plays as the Sins walk down to
the
ring, to a large amount of cheers - they are faces, right? Well, they'd
damn
well better be! The Sins slide in as Audrey stays on the outside and
claps.)

Meygon : And next, also hailing from a place - wait, I know this one,
it's
New York, New York ... the masters of Flip the Switch ... Jeff and Ryan
King,
the SUUUUIIIICCCIIIDDDDEEEEE KIIINNGGGSSS!!

("Between Angels and Insects" by Papa Roach begins playing. The Suicide
Kings
walk out and all Suicide Kingsy. They step into the ring. Jeff starts
out for
the Kings, while Jack Breaker starts out for the Sins. The Nestle Quik
Rabbit
motions for the bell.)

DING DING DING!

(King and Breaker immediately go into a collar-and-elbow tie-up, which
King
breaks with a knee to the gut. He grabs hold of Jack's arm and whips
him
towards the ropes, but holds on and swings him all the way back around
into a
short-arm clothesline.)

GP : Good offense by King to start the match.

JT : Hey, is the Quik Rabbit made out of chocolate?

GP : What?

JT : You know, the rabbit that's refereeing this match. He's all brown
and
stuff. Is he made out of chocolate, or is that his fur?

Nikki : I think it's his fur, JT.

JT : Damn. If that had been chocolate, his ass would've been mine after
the
match...

(King picks King back up and throws him into the turnbuckle. He walks
over
and whips him towards the opposite corner. Jack reverses, sending
Jeff's back
crashing into the pad. Breaker charges with a double axhandle and King
puts
his feet up, but Breaker manages to stop his momentum and grab King's
raised
legs, sending him to the mat with a stiff powerbomb. Jeff clutches his
towel
in pain. Whoops, I meant back. He clutches his back in pain.)

GP : Great reversal by Jack of the Deadly Sins.

JT : Bite me!

GP : What's your problem?

JT : The Kings are the heels, right?

GP : Umm ... you know, I'm not sure.

JT : Oh. Well, never mind. I don't really care anyway. I just wanted to
say
something.

Nikki : Moron.

(Jack picks up Jeff and takes him over to the corner, where he tags in
Jake
Walker. Walker steps in and lays a few punches into King's side before
Jack
lets go of him and steps onto the apron. Jake picks Jeff up and whips
him
into the ropes. As King comes back, Walker catches him with a
tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker. Jeff writhes - yes, WRITHES, not THRIVES, because thrives
MAKES
NO SENSE here if you know the meaning, which apparently nobody does -
in
agony on the mat.)

GP : Jeff desperately needs to make the tag here.

(Jake covers.)

Ref : 1 ...

(Jeff quickly kicks out. Jake picks him up and puts Jeff in a standing
head
scissors. He picks him up for a powerbomb, but Jeff rolls through with
it
into a sunset flip.)

Ref : 1 ... 2-

(Jake kicks out fairly easily. Both men stand up, and Jeff goes for a
wild
right, but Jake ducks and lifts King up with a back suplex. He goes
over to
his corner and tags in his partner.)

GP : The Sins are definitely playing it safe here, tagging in and out
before
they get tired.

(The Sins perform a double whip into the ropes, and nail King with a
double
shoulderblock as he comes back.)

Nikki : Look at Ryan, you can tell how desperately he wants to get in
this
match.

(Jack takes Jeff over to the turnbuckle and slams his head into the
padding
several times. On the third time, King puts his hands up and elbows
Jack in
the gut a few times. He then slams Jack's head into the padding three
times,
and ascends the top rope as Jack stumbles around in a circle. Jeff
leaps with
a cross body, but Jack grabs him in mid-air and turns it into a
fallaway
slam.)

GP : Now, King made a big mistake there. He should have gone for the
tag,
instead of a high-risk maneuver. The Kings can't afford any high-risk
maneuvers right now.

(Jack drops a leg, and casually rolls over into a cover.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ...

(Jeff kicks out.)

GP : You can tell it's taking a lot of energy just for King to kick
out. He
can't take a whole lot more of this punishment.)

(Jack picks King up and punches him a few times in the head. Jeff
starts to
punch back, and the two trade punches briefly, before Jack rears back
and
nails King with a knock out punch.)

JT : Oh man, that looked like it hurt.

(Jeff looks out of it, as Jack covers.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

(Jeff kicks out again.)

GP : I'm surprised King escaped that one.

(Jack, looking slightly ticked off, walks over to his corner and tags
in Jake
Walker. The two wait for King to stand up, then run him over with a
double
clothesline. Jack retreats to the apron as Jake picks Jeff up and gives
him a
stalling piledriver.)

Nikki : He must've held him in position for at least ten seconds. This
has
got to be it.

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3-

(The ref stops count when he sees Jeff's foot on the ropes. Jake,
irritated,
pulls him to the center of the ring and covers again.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ...

(Jeff kicks out.)

GP : Well, the Sins may have won the match right there, if it hadn't
been for
those damn Dudleys!

Nikki : Um ... Greg?

GP : What? I said ropes. Those damn ropes.

Nikki : No, you said Dudleys.

GP : Whatever, they sound similar.

JT : Heh heh, Parker's got problems.

(Jake picks up King and whips him towards the rope on the same side as
his
partner's turnbuckle. Jake goes for a clothesline, but Jeff ducks it.
He
bounces off the other side, ducks a backhand, and dives to tag his
partner
in.)

GP : Jeff gets the tag!

(Ryan leaps over the top rope and catches Walker with a superkick. Jake
gets
back up and right into a DDT. Jack Breaker climbs in and runs at Ryan,
to be
met with a back body drop. He pounds Jack back into the corner and
begins
chopping him. Jake comes running in from behind him with a body
avalanche,
but Ryan moves out of the way and Jake ends up sandwiching his
partner.)

Nikki : Ryan's giving a new meaning to the term "house of fire!"

(Walker steadies Breaker to keep him from falling, then both men turn
into a
double clothesline from Ryan, which they both manage to duck. Ryan
smashes
into the turnbuckle and stumbles back into the Degrees of Sin (double
reverse
DDT). The Sins then pick him up and deliver the Wrath (combination
backbreaker/neckbreaker). Jake covers.)

Ref : 1 ... 2 ... 3!

GP : That win came from practically nowhere!

Nikki : Well, the Sins' first title defense was a successful one.

Meygon : Your winner, and STILL IWO Unified Tag Team champions ... the
DEEEAAADDDLLYYYY SSSSINNNSSS!!

(Scene cuts to Julie Malone-Carson. She's smiling to
herself about what she just did to Keri Lindum, when a
large figure comes up in front of her.)

Julie Malone-Carson: ......Crow?

Sabastian Crow: The boss, Evan, wanted to see you.

Julie: What for? Can't you see I'm busy?

Crow: He says it's important.

Julie: Oh, fine, fine...

(She follows him off screen, but there's suddenly a
loud commotion, as the scene cuts to Kent Anthason,
who's now looking for both Keri and Alyssa.)

Kent Anthason: Arr... first, I lose Keri... now I lose
Alyssa. This is not a good day.

(Suddenly, he hears a commotion. It's Keri Lindum's
voice. He looks to his right and sees a closet door
that's being held shut by a chair. He quickly runs
over and kicks the chair away. The door flies opens,
and likewise, Keri Lindum's arms fly out and hug
Anthason, grateful that he let her out of that blasted
closet.)

Keri Lindum: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you... I'm
claustophobic... ahh...

Anthason: Yeah, uh, er... could you let go of me now?
I kinda need air...

(She lets go, breathing out an "I'm sorry" as she does
so.)

Anthason: What the hell happened?

Keri: She... I mean, Julie locked me in there. I was
too afraid to fight back...

Anthason: That blasted... arrgh... Joey doesn't know
that Julie's manipulating him. I don't even know the
reason why she hates you or me.

Keri: I guess that's a question for another time... I
guess.

(As they're conversating, the scene cuts to the
entryway. Evan Levine and Sabastian Crow both carry
out chairs, and strapped in those chairs are both
Alyssa Cleeda and Julie Carson. Evan sets Alyssa on
the left side, Crow sets Julie on the right side. They
then leave.)

GP: What the hell? Why the hell did they just do
that?!

JT: I haven't a clue...

** COMMERCIAL BREAK **

GP: This next match looks to be rather interesting... Donnie Daze and High
Flyer will square off in the ring, along with the infamous Billy Larson.

JT: I thought he was fired?

GP: I guess they're giving him another chance, or something.

["Loco" by Coal Chamber hits throughout the arena and High Flyer trots out to
the ring, to a big pop. He climbs up onto the apron and poses for the crowd.]

Meygon: Making his way to the ring first, weighing in at 204 ╝ lbs., from
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, High Flyer!

["Loco" is suddenly interrupted by "Your Disease" by Saliva as Donnie Daze
runs down to the ring, carrying a thermos.]

Meygon: And the challenger, weighing in at 225 pounds, from Port St. Lucie,
Florida, Donnie Daze!

[Donnie and Flyer slide into the ring and wait for their other opponent.]

Meygon: Comming down to the ring next, from wherever the hell he's from,
Billy Larson!

[The crowd boos wildy as Billy comes down to the ramp, with a microphone.]

Billy: Wow I cant believe I am actually facing these pieces of shit!!!!!!!1 I
will kick there sorry asses because I am soo damn good and then I will sleep
with all of your girlfriends LOL! Turd ass shit cunt fuck jew tit!

JT: Dear Lord, this guy's more annoying than ME!

GP: Hey, what's that behind him?

[As Larson continues to ramble on, the entire IWO roster rushes in from
behind with weapons and stuff and start beating him senseless.]

GP: Chair to the head by Syphon Fission! Now here comes Cyanide with a
baseball bat to the gut! And here comes Joey Malone... double-arm DDT! Billy
Larson goes down, and now everybody's stomping on him! Soccer kick to the
head by Kent Anthason!

JT: Man, this guy IS a jackass!

GP: They're standing him up now, and taking turns with hard chops to his
ribs. Wait, here comes Jack Breaker with a Clockwork DDT! And a Death Plunge
by Syphon Fission! Billy Larson has gotta be hurting now!

JT: But they're not done yet... irish whip off the stage! Billy goes flying
into the A/V area... and now the A/V crew are beating on him!

GP: Back in the ring now, this match is underway!

*DING DING DING!*

[High Flyer starts off by whipping Donnie into the ropes. Donnie rebounds,
and Flyer catches him with an elbow to the face, followed by a fist drop. He
goes to the top rope, and tries for a 450 splash, but Donnie rolls away and
Flyer crashes to the mat. Donnie capitalizes by picking Flyer up and hitting
a jawbreaker.]

GP: Jawbreaker to High Flyer!

JT: Man, I love jawbreakers. Especially the cherry ones.

[Donnie follows up with a strong irish whip, sending Flyer into the
turnbuckle. Donnie tries for a superplex, but Flyer takes him down with a
corkscrew moonsault, and follows up with an Exploder suplex. Flyer goes for a
cover.]

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

GP: Kickout! Kickout by Donnie Daze!

[Both men get up and retreat into the ropes. Flyer charges at Daze with a
high flipping dropkick, just as Daze attempts a dropkick of his own. They
collide and fall to the mat.]

GP: Incredible maneuver! Both men are knocked out!

Nikki: Whatever happened to Billy Larson?

GP: I don't know... can we get a camera crew in the back?

[An image appears on the IWO-tron.]

GP: Ah, here we are... looks like they're out in the arena halls!

[We do indeed come to Billy Larson, getting his ass kicked by the entire IWO
roster. They're brawling out by a gift shop. Billy's knocked out on the
floor.]

GP: Billy Larson's in real trouble! The wrestlers are taking turns splashing
him! Now here comes Sebastian Crow with a lead pipe!

*CRACK!*

GP: Bam! Larson goes down again! Here comes Jack Breaker with a box of
t-shirts! He's handing them out to everybody! Isn't that nice?

JT: AWS Man (Also Known as Bill) is attacking Larson with a spoon!

GP: And Cyanide's throwing sand in his eyes! That could really hurt! Uhm...
look! Here comes Joey Malone with two giant swordfish! He throws one to Jack
Breaker, and they both proceed to slap Larson silly with them!

JT: I've said it before, Breaker is a bad man when he has a fish in his hands.

GP: Whatever. Tony Davis and BJ Smith have Larson up on their shoulders now,
and they're dragging him into the locker room area!

*CRASH!*

GP: My God! Breaker, Malone, and Cyanide just toppled a coke machine over
onto Billy Larson!

JT: They've got Larson back up now, and BAM! Right through a door! Larson
stumbles down a flight of stairs into the boiler room!

GP: Hey, I think High Flyer's moving a little now.

JT: Who cares? This is great!

GP: Wait! Back in the ring, Donnie Daze has High Flyer in an octopus stretch!
Flyer gets to the ropes, and... wow! He gets up onto the bottom rope and
backflips over Daze! He gets him in a full nelson slam! Cover!

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

GP: Daze kicks out! Flyer's really frustrated now... he goes for a powerbomb,
but Daze rolls him up!

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

JT: Kickout? What the hell?

GP: Flyer's back up... boot to the midsection, and a thunderous DDT! Daze
gets up with a rising clothesline! Flyer goes back down... wait, he gets in a
drop toehold! Both men are down again!

JT: What's going on down in the boiler room?

GP: Billy Larson is... what the hell? He's on fire! Oh my God!

Nikki: Looks like Jack Breaker's got a fire extinguisher, though.

*CRACK!*

JT: Idiot. That's not how you use a fire extinguisher.

GP: Oh, good. Here comes Joey Malone and Sebastian Crow to stomp the fire out.

JT: Wait! In the ring - Dazed and Confused by Donnie Daze! High Flyer is out!

GP: Cover!

*ONE!*

*TWO!*

*THREE!*

*DING DING DING!*

Meygon: Here's your winner, Donnie Daze!

GP: Donnie heading outside... and he's pulling something from under the ring! What the hell is that?

(Donnie pulls out the cooler from earlier in the show. He pushes it into the ring... and opens it up. He pulls out a pair of thermos.)

JT: Wonder what's in there. Hot chocolate?

GP: HOT CHOCOLATE? IN SUMMER?

(Donnie aks for a mic.)

Donnie Daze: HEY! HEY!... PEOPLE! I'd like the rest of the IWO roster... I'd like for them to bring Billy "Bonified Herpes-Carrier" Larson back out here.

(A few seconds pass... and Billy Larson is pushed out into the entranceway. Tony Davis and Kent Anthason follow him... and push him into the ring. Donnie drags Larson right into the center, and opens a thermos. He pours the contents onto Larson... it's yellow, and the smell is putrid.)

GP: Oh good god... IS THAT PISS?

JT: I think it is! I think Donnie Daze is TRULY PISSING ON BILLY LARSON!

(Donnie pulls out another three thermos. He pours some more on him.)

GP: LARSON HAS BEEN EMBARRASSED AND PISSED ON ALL IN ONE NIGHT!

** COMMERCIAL BREAK **

(We return to HT. Geoffery, the Toys 'R Us giraffe, is already in the ring.)

GP: It's time!

JT: Time for what?

GP: TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!

JT: Oh... OH!

Nikki: This will be... big.

JT: How big?

Nikki: Um...

(she holds her arms out to show how big it is.)

Nikki: Compared to JT's penis, which is...

(she squeezes her thumb and forefinger together.)

GP: HA HA!

JT: HEY!

GP: Well... anyway... thanks to Jamie Kosoy, who was pissed about his showing in the "Sponsor Gets Laid" match earlier tonight... this match has been declared a Street Fight. No rules to follow for either of these maniacs.

("Three Point One Four" by The Bloodhound Gang plays as AWS Man makes his way through the ground-like entranceway of the new Hostile Takeover set... The colors spin around everywhere, and he points at them, giggling. The lights continue spinning as he gets into the ring.)

GP: And there's the challenger... AWS Man. He could leave here with the title, ya know.

JT: "Ya know"? What's up with you?

GP: Nothing...

(AWS Man stands in the middle of the ring. "Shame" by BT hits, and we switch to a camera that follows up the ramp towards the entranceway. As we get there, a huge pyro explosion hits, killing the cameraman, and giving us a REALLY COOL shot of the entranceway as Joey Malone exits it, floating upwards as if he was on a fan. The camera then proceeds to crash into the ground and go to static.)

(We get to another camera position... as Joey walks down to the ring. He gets in, tosses down the belt, and rushes at AWS Man. AWS Man dodges the rush, and when Joey turns around, begins punching him.)

GP: HERE WE GO! AWS Man with a series of punches, throws Malone into the corner! Kicks him in the stomach... lifts him up... AND BRINGS HIM DOWN WITH A TURNBUCKLE POWERBOMB! AWS Man being aggressive as all hell! He chokes Joey with his boot... and now he drags him to the center of the ring! Twists on an Indian Deathlock!

*CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!*

*CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!*

*CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!*

CLAP! CLAP! CLA--*

JT: AWS MAN SHOOTS OUT OF THE RING THANKS TO A FOOT UP HIS ASS VIA JOEY MALONE! Malone getting to his feet, clutching his neck... into the ropes, comes back, FRICTIONLESS BASEBALL SLIDE! AWS Man does an ass-first flight into the guardrail! Malone taking advantage, and throws AWS Man into the steps! He goes for a knee to AWS Man's face, but AWS Man moves! Joey over the steps and on the ground! AWS Man to his feet, he has the chance to dominate again! AWS Man takes Joey -- AND THROWS HIM RIGHT HERE! INTERACTIVE WRESTLING!

Nikki: AWS Man has Joey Malone! He has him!

JT: DUH, YOU DUMB BLONDE!

Nikki: He sets him up... MICHINOKU DRIVER! BUT OUR TABLE DIDN'T BREAK, BY GOD! AWS Man... he's climbing off the table, and now the man is going back in the ring!

JT: Don't say "by God" again!

AWS Man: TOSS ME A FREAKIN' CHAIR, SOMEBODY!

GP: Well, someone listened to him! AWS Man with a chair... he's climbing the top rope... THIS IS INSANITY! He's going to... HE JUMPS! AND HE DRIVES THE CHAIR INTO JOEY MALONE, AND THERE GOES OUR -- *RIPCRACKLE*

(We watch Greg Parker's headset go flying off. His chubby little hands search wildly for another one.)

GP: AND I'M BACK TO GIVE YOU THE ACTION!

JT: WE WERE SO CLOSE TO ENJOYEMENT, TOO!

GP: It's CARNAGE! We have everything but an actual car here! We do have some steel... our World champ is down, and our #1 contender is somewhere in this mess! Will someone actually clear this out? ANYONE?

(AWS Man reaches around...)

GP: HEY! MY OLD HEADSET!

(JOEY SLAMS IT INTO AWS MAN'S FOREHEAD!)

GP: AWS Man knocked for a little bit of a loop...

(Joey to his feet...)

GP: JOEY HITS AWS MAN WITH A DOUBLE-ARM DDT! He grabs the chair, tosses it into the ring... picks up AWS Man... and throws him in, too! Joey brings AWS Man into the corner... snapmare! Joey has the chair, he goes into the other corner, off the ropes, CROSSCORNER DIVING CHAIRSHOT! AWS Man thrown for a loop! Joey pulls him away from the ropes... ONE....... TWO..... NO!

JT: Malone takes AWS Man, picks him up by the hair... kicks him in the stomach, sets him up, looks like a Pedigree... NO! Double Underhook... POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! An even uglier version of what AWS Man did to him earlier! Malone pulls him into the center of the ring... takes the chair... up to the top rope... ARABIAN FACE-BUSTER TO AWS MAN! Malone slides the chair away, another cover! ONE... TWO...... AND NO!

Nikki: AWS Man staying in it for one thing... the World title. Malone picks him up... LOW BLOW BY AWS MAN! No... NO! HE'S GOT HIM... HIS HAND'S IN A SAWING MOTION! THE BUZZ FREAKIN' SAW IS ON JOEY MALONE, AND IT'S OBVIOUS HOW MUCH PAIN HE'S IN! JOEY... will someone tell me how that hurts?

GP: You're a woman. You wouldn't understand.

Nikki: Oh.

JT: Malone being caught in the... er... sweeping tide of AWS Man's hand! AWS Man working it to his advantage... he releases the hold, if you can call that anything but sheer torture! AWS Man... goes for a double-arm DDT... but Malone reverses! NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! ONE...... TWO....... NO! NO!

GP: AWS Man kicks out... and he's got a hold of Joey! Picks him up... AND DRIVES HIM INTO THE MAT! A version of the Impaler DDT! God-damn! He covers Joey! ONE.... TWO....... NO!

Nikki: AWS Man picks up Malone, tosses him into the ropes... AWS Man himself goes into the ropes... AND A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE TAKES THEM BOTH DOWN!

(The ref, Geoffery, walks into the middle of the ring...)

Ref: UNO!

GP: What the hell?

Ref: DOS! TRES!

JT: HE'S SPANISH!

Ref: CUATRO! CINCO! SEIS! SIETE!

(In jumps the FBI.)

GP: IN THE NAME OF GOD!

(THEY TACKLE GEOFFERY! THEY TEAR OFF HIS HEAD... IT'S FIDEL CASTRO!)

Fidel Castro: STOP IT! GET OFF OF ME!

(Fidel is dragged off. AWS Man (also known as Bill) and Joey Malone both slowly get to their feet. Malone throws a right, which staggers the Insane One. AWS Man (also known as Bill) retaliates with a right of his own, which almost knocks Joey off his feet.)

GP: This is drawing down to the wire here!

Nikki : Yeah, whoever hits the next big move will probably ... what's the opposite of lose, again?

GP: Win.

Nikki: Yeah, that's it.

(Malone rears back for another right and swings, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) ducks behind it and grabs Malone for a German suplex, but Malone elbows him off and bounces off the ropes. He charges for a clothesline at the same time that the Insane One does likewise. However, both men duck and spin around into a crouching position. AWS Man (also known as Bill) launches his Knock Your Freakin' Head Off (thrust kick) at the same time that Malone performs a superkick. Both connect on the other's chin and collapse. Their legs fall onto each other, so that each is covering the other man.)

GP: Here comes another ref! Kevin Pearson!

Ref: 1 ... 2 ... 3!

DING DING DING!

GP: My God, Malone ... uh, I mean AWS Man (also known as Bill) ...wait, what the hell happened here?

Meygon: Your winner, and STILL ... I mean, NEW ... um, I'm confused.

JT: There's a shocker.

(Suddenly, "I'm Your Boogieman" by White Zombie hits as IWO President Evan Levine walks out with a mic, to a chorus of boos. He raises the mic to his lips as he smirks.)

Levine: Well, well, well, what do we have here? A double pin? Yawn, how boring. Look, I really don't feel like restarting this match, and both men deserve the win, or something, so how about this? They're BOTH champion!

GP: What?!

Levine: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking : didn't the WWF do this a while ago with Jericho and Chyna? Well ... so what? The situation applies here too, and it's not as if they haven't stolen enough stuff from us. So there. And if either man gets pinned before they have a unification match, then BOTH men lose the belt. That should do it. Now everyone go home and masturbate to Internet pornography.

JT: That's sure as hell what I'm doing!

(Evan's music plays again as he walks back to the back.)

GP: AWS MAN IS THE CHAMPION! AWS MAN -- Wait a minute! THERE'S KENT ANTHASON! Malone's to
his feet, and Anthason attacks him! Hard right hands
to Malone! Anthason irish whips Malone in! Malone
ducks the clothesline and kicks Anthason in the
stomach! Wait! He picks up that chair!

*SMACK!*

JT: CHAIRSHOT OF THE VILE VARIETY TO ANTHASON!
ANTHASON IS DOWN!

(Malone starts to leave the ring, but Anthason rolls
to the outside. Anthason follows Malone up the ramp,
and Malone goes to Julie's chair, where she's
strapped.)

JT: It looks like Malone's trying to free Julie Malone
from her chair... and he does so... BUT ANTHASON
SPEARS MALONE DOWN JUST AS HE TURNS TO WALK AWAY!

Nikki: Julie rolls from Joey's grip and Malone's
taking more right hands from a rabid Kent Anthason!
Malone and Anthason are brawling on the elevated
entryway!

GP: Wait a second, Julie's back up, but she's not even
trying to attack Anthason! What's with that sick look
on her face?!

Nikki: Oh my god! She's going for Alyssa! She's going
to push Alyssa off of the stage!

GP: Wait! This can't happen! Alyssa's still strapped
to the chair! She can't break her fall!

(Keri Lindum suddenly comes out of nowhere and grabs
Julie by her hair and flings her away from Alyssa.)

JT: KERI LINDUM! WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE!?

GP: I don't know, but she just saved Alyssa from a
fall!

Nikki: Anthason's back up from his beating the crap
out of Joey Malone, and now he's going to free Alyssa!

(Of course, Alyssa is dangerously close to the edge of
the stage by now... a ten foot drop.)

JT: Julie just raked Keri in the face and threw her
down, though!

GP: WAIT! WAIT! JULIE JUST SHOVED ANTHASON INTO THE
CHAIR! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

(The chair falls... with Alyssa in it.)

JT: JESUS! ALYSSA MIGHT BE BROKEN IN HALF!

Nikki: Anthason turns around and he just knocked Julie
Carson to the ground with a right hand! WAIT! MALONE'S
TO HIS FEET! MALONE JUST SPEARED KENT ANTHASON OFF THE
STAGE!

*SMASH!*

JT: AND INTO THOSE TABLES! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!

GP: Dammit! Get the EMTs out here! ...What?! We're out
of time? But... but... everyone's hurt!

JT: Screw it all! EMTs come second! GOOD NIGHT
EVERYONE!

*SMACK!*

JT: OW!

(Cut to black.)