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IWO Indi (2002)
LET THE TAKEOVER BEGIN!!!
GP: WELCOME TO HOSTILE TAKEOVER!!!! WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT ACTION UP TODAY!!!
JT: WINKY THE PENGUIN RETURNS!!!
Nikki: WE'VE GOT TITLE MATCHES!!!
GP: And we've got a main event I'm sure JT will enjoy!
JT: HO! HO! HO!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!
(We fade into the ring... no special entrance video, but instead, "I'm Your Boogieman" by White Zombie hits.)
GP: Welcome to Saturday's Hostile Takeover!
JT: Can someone explain why we got Friday off?
GP: It was Jamie's sick idea of a Christmas present. And here comes Team FWF... they're just lumps of coal in the IWO's stocking, aren't they?
JT: Hey, watch it!
(Team FWF has gotten into the ring. Levine snatches the mic from Meygon.)
Evan Levine: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
(The crowd pops... because they will have a merry christmas. Won't you?)
Levine: Because, unlike you fat, ugly, disgusting, boring, unintentionally employeed people... I am DA WORLD CHAMP!
(He holds the title high up in the air.)
Levine: That is the greatest present of all, and after I beat Phelen Kell at Ice Age... I'll be celebratin' the two-oh-oh-one with it! It's gonna be 2001: An FWF Oddysey. We're coming in... and before we hit the number two, the IWO will be the FWF, you can trust us on that. Phelen Kell will have to watch out... because it's not bloody likely that you'll be getting an upper hand between now and New Year's Eve.
(LiGil gets the mic from Evan... the crowd boos him as the IWOTron shows him Palindroming Kate Young through the table again and again. LiGil watches this and smiles.)
LiGil: Yup, I did that. And I’m DAMN PROUD OF IT, too. Hey, High Flyer, how’s Noah, anyway? First I take your wife, then I take your “baby”... now I just have to beat the silly, wack, dumbass out of you... and take your dignity. Come Ice Age, that’s what it’s gonna be... because Team FWF is the greatest... we’re amassed of the top wrestlers in the world today... and who stands as one of them? Me. Who stands as one of Jamie Cozy’s little lackeys? YOU. What sounds better... the best in the world, or a lackey? You make the choice, people. If you can think that hard.
(Sam Potright is handed the mic.)
Potright: Tonight, I go into battle... tonight, I go into a war... tonight, I have pleasure and pain mix together. And, tonight, right now... a challenge is made. I defy Syphon Fission to come out here and accept it.
(Before he even speaks again, "Papercut" by Linkin Park blasts over the speakers as Fission makes his way out.)
GP: Now that's fast reaction time.
(Fission stands at the top of the ramp, awaiting Potright's challenge.)
Fission: Well, get to it!
Potright: Fission... the two of us have seen ourselves battle across streets, across blood, across sweat and tears... I ask you, Fission... Syphon... do you have the fortitude to go across three matches?
Fission: Three? Why not? But then again... what's in it for me?
Potright: If I win my match tonight for the #1 contender's spot... I will put it up against you. Three gimmick matches, one shot at the title. That's all I ask. Ice Age will be freezing over hell -- on that night, our blood will feed the chills. Have a nice day, Syphon Fission. Be careful to watch your back! Trust me on that... watch your back...
(Fission shakes his head and walks backstage. Potright hands Levine back the mic.)
Levine: You should be on the show, anyway. But that’s not the matter... the matter is, that we’re gonna take over the PPV! LiGil’s gonna strip High Flyer of anything he has left, Potright’s gonna go over on the top of the IWO, and me? Well, I’m not gonna make Phelen Kell a woman, like I did to his little trainee, Trent McFarlane... I’m gonna make him MY BITCH!
(Almost in response, “Sober” by TOOL hits. The crowd goes bonkers. And Phelen Kell struts out onto the ramp.)
Levine: Look, here comes the --
Kell: Shut the hell up, “GAME BOY”.
(He stays silent as the crowd goes nuts again.)
Kell: I handed you that title, because it means nothing in this battle... what you did to Trent was infathomable. What I’m gonna do to you, however... beats the hell out of that. What I’m gonna do to you, Evan, is I’m going to prove to you who a Gladiator really is... Evan, come December 31st, your ass won’t be grass that I’m gonna smoke, it’s not gonna be concrete that I’m gonna smash, it’s not even gonna be a diaper I’m gonna tear apart and throw away... Evan Levine, your ass, it’s gonna be MINE.
Levine: Nice homosexual reference there, Kell. Did you learn that while hanging around McFarlane in the hospital?
Kell: Why don’t you ask Desiree Goldman? I hear she’s just a cross-dresser, you dumbshit.
Kell: Ice Age 3... my second run as the main event... my first run as a killer. Beware, Evan... your time will come.
(Kell stands at the top of the ramp as “Sober” hits again...)
-- Commercial Break --
Nikki: Up first is our North Dakotan Janitorial Championship! It's Pen vs. The Cactus!
North Dakotan Janitorial Championship
Special Guest Referee: Janitor #588,703
Pen -c- vs. The Cactus
If Pen wins, AWS Man (also known as Bill) gets a NA title shot sometime in the near future, and if Cactus pulls the upset and wins, Spaz gets a Pac title shot in the near future.
JT: Well, Pen and The Cactus are out here on a table, and here we go!
GP: AND THEY........just sit there. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!! IT'S A PEN AND A CACTUS!! Wait!!! Cactus falls on top of pen! THE THORN (Big Splash) FROM THE CACTUS! 1........2.........AND THE GODDAMNED PEN KICKS OUT! PEN IS HULKING UP!!! CACTUS SWINGS! BLOCKED! RIGHT BALLPOINT FROM PEN!! DOWN GOES CACTUS!!! BIG LEG DROP FROM PEN!!! 1..............2........................3!!!!
Meygon: YOUR WINNER, AND NEW NORTH DAKOTAN JANITORIAL CHAMPION, PEN!!!!
Nikki: WHAT AN OVATION FOR PEN.
JT: Yeah yeah yeah............that sucked big greasy penises.
GP: We've just got word that something.........um, interesting is going on in the back..
(The scene cuts to Shawn and Noah Carter laid out in their dressing room. They just start to come around.)
Shawn: Yo man, what'd them jive turkies do with our shit?
(The scene cuts to Rob Kestler and Psycho Jay behind the arena planting the stolen weed from Shawn Carter.)
Rob Kestler: Jay why the hell did we skip our match just to go smoke with two spear chucking jive hussies and shit yo?
Psycho Jay: Because.
Rob Kestler: That was the dumbest thing ever, Evan is such a poo faced poo goblin.
Psycho Jay: Hey, I liked it better when you had a three friggin word vocabulary. Now we're planting this weed so quiet.
Rob Kestler: It won't grow.
Psycho Jay: I don't care if it'll grow or not. We did this cause I'm sick of watching Carter always smoking the gunja on TV and setting a bad example. And since we're now mid-carders due to the fact that Evan the board
member and Jewmie Kosoy don't like us. We have to fued with guys that suck.
Rob Kestler: I don't get it.
Psycho Jay: Me neither.
(The scene cuts back to the announcers.)
JT: WOOHOO!!! POT! WEED! BONGS!!! ALMOST AS GOOD AS HOS!!!!
GP: He needs medical help...........we're just going to go on now with our Massacre on the Verrazano Bridge match. We go live now to the Verrezano Bridge!
Tag Title #1 Contendership
Massacre on the Verrazano Bridge Invitational
GP: It's time for the Massacre on the Verrazano Bridge match!
JT: I smell a ripoff name...
GP: I smell you having crapped your pants, too, but I don't complain. Anyway, the objective of the match is to either pin, submit, or toss a member of a tag team off the Verrazano and into nets below. Who is crazy enough to compete in this? Try Those Damn Mexicans vs. Schitzo Tod/Pencil vs. Magus/Dalton vs. The Facts of Life Tooty and Blair) vs. The Prep Kids! Five teams... who'll come out to fight Team CGI at Ice Age 3? It's time to find
(All the teams are on the Verrazano Bridge. A few refs are walking around. The match begins with Those Damn Mexicans suddenly jumping Magus and Dalton.)
GP: Here we go! TPK and Schitzo Tod are facing off. Randal McCloud and Jordan Howitt take down Tod, but PENCIL FIGHTS THEM OFF! PENCIL WITH A STONE COLD PENCILLER!
JT: Huh? IT'S A DAMN PENCIL! HOW IS IT DOING THAT?
Nikki: Who knows, but across the way, Dalton and Magus are being taken down by TDM. Edguardo with a stiff kick to the back of Magus... BUT TOOTY OF THE FACTS OF LIFE HOPS ON HIS BACK! AND BLAIR HOPS ON TOOTY'S BACK... for some reason!
GP: Edguardo stumbles forward, tosses Tooty and Blair over the edge! AND SOMEONE PULLS THE NETS AWAY! SEWER ALLIGATORS HAVE JUST EATEN TOOTY AND BLAIR!
GP: Well, Edguardo and Diablo go back to work on Dalton and Magus... Magus with a thumb to the eye! Edguardo is blinded, Magus with a boot, DDT on cement! Diablo, however, dives on top of Magus, and they're brawling amongst others in the middle of New York! Magus throws Diablo off, and down comes Randal McCloud from nowhere! Diablo pulls McCloud off, picks him up, sideslam! Howitt with a dropkick to Diablo's head, and here comes Schitzo Tod and Pencil! Tod goes after the open Magus, but Dalton hits him with a tire iron! Tod does a double-team move with Pencil, and Dalton goes down!
JT: Magus sneaks up behind Tod, GERMAN SUPLEX! ONE, TWO, THREE!
Eliminated - Schitzo Tod & Pencil
Nikki: Tod yelling at Pencil, asking him where he was and why he didn't go and stop the pin... Tod pushes Pencil! Pencil goes down! And Dalton goes after Edguardo! Magus goes after Diablo, but Diablo hits a Roaring Elbow on him! Magus stumbling around... ducks the punch from Diablo, spears Diablo backwards... they're hanging over the edge!
JT: Dalton goes to save his partner! He dives to grab Diablo's leg... he overshoots! OH NO! THAT IDIOT! HE AND MAGUS GO INTO THE NETS!
Eliminated: Tod/Pencil, The Empire
GP: Two teams left... TDM, TPK... McCloud goes up against Diablo, and they're exchanging punches and kicks! Howitt takes Edguardo, he tosses him into a double-arm DDT! Howitt covers! One.. two... no! Diablo and McCloud going at each other like rabid wolves... McCloud heabutts Diablo! And he feels the pain! McCloud, that is. Diablo grabs Randal, foot stomp!
JT: Where's Team FWF when you need them? I mean, this is embarassing!
Nikki: Diablo knees McCloud in the stomach, gutwrench powerbombs him! McCloud is down, and Diablo drags him towards the edge of the bridge! But there's Howitt, he tackles Diablo from behind! And now the Prep Kids take over Diablo! They stomp at him! Here comes Edguardo... picks up Howitt, OLYMPICO SLAM! He gets up, SUPERKICK TO MCCLOUD! TDM taking over on TPK now! Edguardo pulls up his partner... Diablo picks him up, POWERSLAMS EDGUARDO ON HOWITT! ONE... TWO... THREE! THOSE DAMN MEXICANS!
JT: Yeah! I hate Mexicans too!
Nikki: No, you idiot. Those Damn Mexicans are the #1 contenders!
GP: WAIT! WHAT THE HELL?! BASTARDS INCORPORATED ARE HERE!!! Cyanide and Angry Johnson attack Those Damn Mexicans! Cyanide picks up Edguardo! GORILLA PRESS SLAMS HIM OFF OF THE BRIDGE INTO THE NETS! Angry Johnson has Diablo! HIPTOSS OFF OF THE BRIDGE! BASTARDS INC. HAS MADE A STATEMENT!
JT: Good. Everyone else sucked anyway.
Nikki: Up next we have............well..........let's go to the back, where we have Rob Kestler versus Winky the Penguin.
Rob Kestler: .......So lots of things have changed since you were last here Winky. Jamie no longer has any involvment in the cards, and the bookers are unfunny pooheads, just like me. :-(
Winky the Penguin: Squawk!'
(Translation: HEY ASSHOLE!! YOU'VE GOT A #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH TONIGHT!)
Rob Kestler: I know Winky, but I don't want to have to fight my bestest buddy in the whole wide world!
Winky the Penguin: SQUAWK!!
(Translation: YOU GET TO GET LAID WHILE WINNING A MATCH!! GOOD DEAL!)
Rob Kestler: Thanks Winky! You're right!
GP: KESTLER KICKS WINKY IN THE GUT!!! THE CALL FROM BEYOND!!! 1......2.....3! Rob Kestler gets off the schnide with a big win over Winky!
Nikki: Well, the Ash Robinson/Cyanide match was supposed to be up next..........but we've recieved word that Robinson has been jumped in the back.....
JT: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Billy Ray laid out Robinson!! AND AS A BONUS, WE DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THAT CRAP MATCH!!!
Angry Johnson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY PIZZA COUPON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nikki: This show is sucking.
GP: Yeah I know.
JT: NOT ANYMORE!! IT'S KFC INVITATIONAL TIME!!
IWO Extreme Title
The Kentucky Fried Invitational
Its anybodies match! A timer is set to 30 minutes and 0¿0 must defend his Extreme title until the time expires.. against anybody! IWO wrestler, IML wrestler, large chickens... there is no limit! This is the last chance at the title until the PPV, so get your shots in on The Feathered One now or forever hold your peace!
0¿0 -c- v. Everyone
GP: This match has been one of the most hyped matches on the entire card. We have people buying tickets with wrestling costumes on just so they can fight 0¿0. I'm not sure whats gonna happen, all I know is this arena sold out in 8 minutes... a unheard of IWO record! Maybe it was because of the great matches we host all the time on this program, but we happen to know that at least 3,000 of the people in attendance are going to jump that rail as soon as the match starts! Who knows who we may see in this match!
JT: Hell.. even I am trying for this! Imagine how much my IWO stock will raise if I beat that feathered bastard?! I'm gonna be the IWO Extreme champion by the end of this match.. YOU JUST WAIT!!
Nikki: Well.. um... you certainly are prepared.. er..
(The camera cuts to the announcers table where we see JT dressed up with a condum on one hand and wearing a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid"pointing down to his penis..)
JT: They called me "Trojan Man" back at my old fed! I almost became the World champion, I did!
GP: No, actually that was just the time you got drunk at one of those IWO staff meetings. Fans, don't listen to this bumbling idiot.
Nikki: Um. JT, I strongly advise you to stop any involvment in this match involving you.
JT: THAT FEATHERED BASTARD IS GOIN DOOOWWWWNNN TOWWWNNN!!
GP: Well, it seems we're just talking when the match is suppost to
start. So lets shut the hell up and let these men perform!
("I am Your Birdman" by White Zombie plays as 0¿0 walks to the ring
holding the Extreme title in his hands. Fans charge the steel ramp and
leap over it.)
GP: THESE FANS ARE OBSEST!! FANS ARE TRYING TO JUMP THE RAIL TO ATTACK
JT: AND I'LL BE WITH THEM.. after about 15 minutes of the match of
Nikki: Look! Security is spraying maze all over those fans! There
beating them back with nightsticks!
GP: I don't think the security in this arena is aware of this matches
gimmick! And 0¿0 grabs the mic!
0¿0: PLEASE, PLEASE... I KNOW YOU ALL WANT A PIECE OF THE GOD WITH
FEATHERS!! SO SECURITY.. MOVE YOUR FAT ASSES OUT OF THE WAY AND HAVE A
DOUGHNUT OR SOMETHING!! I CAN TAKE IT!! I AM THE WHOLE DAMN BIRD! I AM
THE FEATHER DUSTER FROM HELL! I AM- BWACK!!
GP: JESUS CHRIST! SECURITY STEPS ASSIDE!! ABOUT 3,000 FANS ARE TUMBLING
ONTO THE RAMP! THIS IS DOOM FOR THE 0¿0!! AND THE EXTREME TITLE!!
JT: HELL... LOOK... THE SECURITY IS EVEN TRYING TO BEAT ON THE
FEATHERS ARE FLYING ALL OVER!!
GP: 0¿0 frantically runs down the ramp as thousands follow him! He
up and uses his feathers to fly into the ring! All 2,000 of them run at
the turnbuckle ropes all at the same time!! WE HAVE 2,000 FANS TANGLED
IN THE ROPES OF THE RING!! EVERYONE IS SCREAMING, AND 0¿0 IS KACKLING
0¿0: KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE! YOU ARE ALL SAD, SAD PEOPLE! NOW I MUST PULL
AN EVAN LEVINE AND JOB 2,000 PEOPLE AT ONCE! HERE IT GOES!
GP: BIRD DRIVER!! BIRD DRIVER!! BIRD DRIVERS TO EVERYONE!!! BIRD DRIVER
TO THE PEANUT VENDER!! BIRD DRIVER TO YOUR MAMA!! BIRD DRIVER TO-
*Suddenly, Greg Parker is lifted up and gaven the Mystery Bird Driver*
GP: HOLY PARK PLACE!!
Nikki: Wow. Didn't that hurt?
GP: Not really, good thing I had this pillow attached to my head just
(The camera quickly cuts back to Greg. He has a pillow attached to his
JT: *whispering to himself* Always being prepared bastard..
GP: 0¿0 IS STILL GIVING PEOPLE BIRD DRIVERS! WE'RE GOING TO NEED A
LOTTA AMBULENCES TONIGHT FOLKS!
Nikki: EVERYONE IS LAYING ALL OVER THE RING! THIS IS NUTS!
GP: 0¿0 JUST MYSTERY BIRD DRIVED THE LAST MAN, WHO HAPPENED TO BE
IML3 MILLENIUM CHAMPION KEN MASTERS!
JT: That one guy from Street Fighter?!
Nikki: Yes. That one guy from Street Fighter.
GP: Wait a minute! That Peanut Vender is awakening! OH MY! HE KICKS THE
EXAUSTED 0¿0!! GET THEM WHILE THERE HOT (Stunner) TO 0¿0!! THIS IS IT!!
ITS ALL OVER FOR THE BIRDMAN!! 1....2.... KICKOUT! WE ALMOST HAD A
PEANUT VENDER AS OUR CHAMPION! AFTER GIVING 2,000 PEOPLE THE MBD, 0¿0
GETS OUT! 0¿0 LIFTS THE PEANUT VENDER AGAIN!! MYSTERY BIRD DRIVER TO
PEANUT VENDER FOR THE SECOND TIME!! 0¿0 HAS KILLED EVERYONE IN THE
HE GRABS THE MIC!
0¿0: ITS BEEN 8 MINUTES... AND STILL, I AM THE IWO EXTREME CHAMPION!
NOTHING CAN STOP ME! NOT EVEN THAT SILLY PEANUT VENDER! EVERYONE HAS
BEEN SLAYED BY THE BIRDMAN! CRUSHED BY YOURS TRULEY! NOW C'MON.. DO I
REALLY HAVE TO JUST SIT HERE FOR THE REST OF THE 30 MINUTES?! I THOUGHT
MORE PEOPLE WANTED THIS LITTLE BELT THEN I DID... WELL... I GUESS YOU
PEOPLE ARE JUST STOOOOPID!! STOOOOPPPIIIID I TELL YOU!!
JT: It looks like its my time now! TROOJAN MANNN!!
Nikki: NO JT!! NOOO!!
GP: JT runs into the ring! He slaps 0¿0 with a extra large condum!! 0¿0
LIFTS UP JT!!! MYSTERY BIRD DRIVER TO JT!!! GOD JT IS AN IDIOT!!! JT IS
BEING HAULD OFF IN A EMERGENCY VEHICLE... AND 0¿0 GRABS THAT MICROPHONE
0¿0: HAHA! JT HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! NOW SURELY THERES MORE THEN JUST
COMMENTATORS THAT WANT MY BELT!
(Suddenly, "Its All About The Boardwalk" by The Community Chest 5 plays
as NO! NO! NO! UNCLE PENNYBAGS FROM MONOPOLY COMES OUT! 0¿0 TREMBLES IN
GP: DAMN THAT PENNYBAGS!! REPOSSESS MY PARK PLACE WILL HE!!!!!!
(Greg shakes his girly arms wildly)
Nikki: Calm down Parker.. your Monopoly was pathetic anyway! You had to
morgage that piece of property to pay for going to jail and not
GP: BULLSHIT NIKKI!! BULLLLLSSSSHIIIITTT!!
Nikki: Uncle Pennybags enters the ring! AND HE HITS 0¿0 WITH THE
BOARDWALK BOTTOM (Rock Bottom)!! PENNYBAGS GOT GAME!
GP: OH YEA?! HE THINKS HE'S THE SH*T?!?! I'LL SHOW HIM!! THIS IS
FOR PARK PLACE, PENNYBAGS!! HEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Nikki: MY GOD! THIMBLES ARE FALLING FROM THE CEILING! THERE ALL LANDING
ON MR. PENNYBAGS AND 0¿0!! BOTH PENNYBAGS AND 0¿0 FALL DOWN!
GP: C'MON BIRDMAN! YOU SON OF A BITCH! GET UP!! GEEETTTT UPPPP!! AWW
I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!
Nikki: PARKER IS GOING INTO THE RING! HE GRABS PENNYBAGS! HE IS SHAKING
THAT SON OF A BITCH! MONOPOLY MONEY IS FLYING ALL OVER THE RING!
GP: PARRRK PLACCEEE!! PARRRRRRKKKK PLLLLAAAACCCCCEEEEEEE!!!!!
Uncle Pennybags: YOU'LL NEVER GET MY DEED TO PARK PLACE MR. PARKER! I
DON'T CARE IF YOUR LAST NAME IS PARKER! YOU WILL NEVER PASS GO AGAIN!
Nikki: 0¿0 is getting up now!! ANOTHER MYSTERY DEATH DRIVER TO
PENNYBAGS!!!! 0¿0 GOES AFTER GREG PARKER... WAIT.. HE'S NOT GOING TO
SEVERELY BIRD DRIVE GREGS BRAINS OUT!! HE'S DANCING WITH PARKER!! ITS
LIKE THE TIME MEAN GENE AND THE GOBBILY GOOKER DANCED!! WHAT A SHOW!!
GREG IS NOW RETURNING TO THE ANNOUNCERS TABLE!!
GP: I wonder if 0¿0 will go to the prom with me?
Nikki: Er, your not in High School anymore Greg.
GP: But I feel gitty as a schoolgirl! T-hehehehehehe!
GP: Alright, I'll go back to being my old, Jim Ross stick-up-the-ass
Nikki: Please do.
GP: Alright. Oh my! Nobody is in the ring challenging 0¿0! Oh my...
etc.... 0¿0 is grabbing the mic! Hellfire and Brimstone!
0¿0: ALRIGHT... I HAVE TOOKEN OUT EVERY MAN AVAILIBLE TO MY DISPOSAL!
NOBODY IS GONNA STOP ME FROM GOING TO ICE AGE III AND DEFENDING, THEN
GOING TO THE BATHROOM!! THERES ONLY 6 MINUTES LEFT!!! WHO IN THE IWO
WANTS A PIECE OF THE KING O' KILOMINUTES! NOTHING CAN STOP THE BIRDMANS
("Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation plays as Mike Marchese walks out from
the curtains! He charges the ring..)
GP: MIKE MARCHESE IS HERE! HIM AND BIRDMAN GET INTO IT! Marchese swings
his leg at the mask of Birdman! SWINGING HEEL KICK! 0¿0 FALLS!
Nikki: Mike Marchese grabs a chair from under the ring! CHAIR TO THE
HEAD OF 0¿0! I THINK THIS IS IT!
GP: Marchese pins! 1....2....THR - KICKOUT! 0¿0 is still in this one!
Marchese twists 0¿0's neck! SWINGING NECK BREAKER! 0¿0 could lose right
Nikki: Marchese goes for a pin, BUT 0¿0 SLIPS IN A LOW BLOW! Mike falls
to the mat clutching his junk!
GP: Only 3 minutes left, and 0¿0 is running frantically though the
trying to escape! Mike chases him! Birdman is not gonna let him take
Extreme title away!
Nikki: Mike has 0¿0 cornered!! 0¿0 SCRAMBLES FOR A WEAPON!! MY GOD!!!
JUST RIPPED OFF HIS MASK!!!! HE HITS MARCHESE WITH HIS 0¿0 MASK!!!
MARCHESE FALLS!!! 0¿0 WAS UNMASKED!!! BUT WE DIDN'T SEE IT SINCE THE
CAMERA ANGLE WAS FOCUSED ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!! GOD DAMMIT!!
GP: We all know its Koko B. Ware, you moron.
Nikki: I SEEM TO DISAGREE! COULD KOKO PILEDRIVE 2,000 PEOPLE IN 2
Nikki: ANYWAY.. BACK TO MY LOUD CAP LOCK SCREAMING! MIKE MARCHESE IS
DOWN AND 0¿0 IS ESCAPING!! WAIT A MINUTE!! SOME MYSTERIOUS FIGURE JUST
TOOK DOWN 0¿0 WITH A DDT!! WHO IS THAT?!?!
GP: I dunno! 0¿0 is kicked to the stomach! ELIMINATION (Fame Asser) TO
0¿0 RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD IN ATTENDANCE!! I THINK WE KNOW
THIS IS!! ITS JAX STONE!! WHATS HE DOING OUT HERE?!?!
Jax Stone: Hey Gobbily Gooker or whatever your damn name is.... you
a challenge punk? It looks like I'm going to Ice Age instead of you,
GP: JAX PINS!! 1........2..
DING DING DING!
GP: WHAT THE HELL?!?! JAX WON!! BUT ITS A TIMEOUT!!! GOD DAMNIT!!
Nikki: THE BIRDMAN FOR SURE IS GOING TO ICE AGE III!!! YAY!!!
Winner: For successfully avoiding a pin for 30 minutes, "The Mysterious
GP: JAX IS PUSHING THE REFFEREE AROUND!! JAX GRABS THE REFF!!
ELIMINATION (Fame Asser) TO THAT REFFEREEE!! JAX IS FREAKING OUT ON
REFF!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! BIRDMAN IS UP!!! AND 0¿0 TAKES STONE DOWN WITH
THE EXTREME TITLE TO THE FACE!!!! 0¿0 RUNS THROUGH THE CROWD!!!
BLOCKS THE EXIT!!! 0¿0 HITS MARCHESE WITH HIS BELT AND HE FALLS TO THE
GROUND!! 0¿0 FRANTICALLY RUNS DOWN THE HALLS OF THE HOSTILE TAKEOVER
ARENA!!! HE WALKS OUT OF THE HOSTILE TAKEOVER ARENA!!
(Suddenly, a limmo full of feathers pulls up along side 0¿0.)
0¿0: WHEN WILL THOSE DIRTY JAMAICANS LEARN THEY JUST CAN'T BEAT THE
(0¿0 leaps into the limmo and it drives off and you can hear "I WIN, I
WIN" as the limmo drives off)
GP: God damn, what a match!
(Suddenly, we see JT stumble back to the commentators table, his nose
JT: Wow..... that Birdman puts up one hell of a fight...
GP: You were out by the first move, JT.
JT: THEY WILL NEVER BEAT ME! NEVER! FOR I PROVIDE PROTECTION! TROOOGGAN
GP: Uhhhg. We'll be right back.
PACIFIC TITLE MATCH
Joey Malone vs. AWS MAN (Also Known As Bill)
GP: Well, this is going to be screwed up...
JT: I know. This is the Pacific title match, and if
Joey Malone can pull
off the victory here, AWS Man (also known as Bill) is
the US champion
and Joey Malone is the Pacific champion.
GP: Malone and AWS Man (also known as Bill) have had a
long history with
one another, and it all ends tonight, maybe...
Nikki: With that said, let's go to the ring announcer!
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: The following contest, scheduled for one fall,
is the Pacific
for US title match scheduled for the best of two out
of three falls!
GP: I didn't hear about that in MY format...
JT: I know.
Meygon: First... the challenger...
("Shame" by BT plays as the fans erupt for a huge pop.
Joey Malone comes
out holding the US title around his shoulder.)
Meygon: From Phoenix, Arizona... weighing in at two
fifty-eight pounds... he is a former member of the
indie and IWO Minor
League legend tag team known only as the Winds of
Change... he is a
current member of the IWO World Tag Team Champions,
Team CGI... he is
the master of the Everest Cataclysm, among many other
earth-shattering moves... he is a former
Intercontinental Tag Team
Champion and the current IWO United States Heavyweight
ladies and gentlemen... he is
(Malone rolls into the ring, the pyro goes off, and
Malone raises his
arms at the turnbuckles.)
GP: Malone's been on a big winning streak lately, I
mean, this guy's
beaten Psycho Jay before.
JT: Dude, Greg, that's only because it wasn't Psycho
Jay. It was that
bloody beaver who ate Shane Andrews!
GP: But still.
("Shame" stopls playing and then "Three Point One
Four" by the
Bloodhound Gang plays as AWS Man (also known as Bill
comes out to an
equally loud pop as Joey's.)
Meygon: And his opponent... from Freakville, North
in at two hundred and thirty-four pounds... he is a
current member of
Team Tampax... the master of the Win the Freakin'
Matchifier... he is
accompanied to the ring tonight by the World's Most
Object, Pen... he is the current IWO Pacific champion
and one half of
Team Tampax... ladies and gentlemen... he is AWS Man
(also known as
Nikki: I hope AWS Man (also known as Bill) went
through his extreme
porno training for this match. He's going to need it
JT: Here we go...
*ding, ding, ding*
Nikki: These two circle the ring... and there's the
lock up... and
Malone is pushing AWS Man (also known as Bill) into
JT: He *is* the more powerful of the two.
GP: Malone gets the clean break... but AWS Man (also
known as Bill) with
an elbow to Joey's face!
JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) is on the second
turnbuckle, but Joey
leaps up there... arm drag take down!
GP: Malone runs after AWS Man (also known as Bill) and
nails him with a
front dropkick! That sends AWS Man (also known as
Bill) out of the ring!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) is recovering
and... Malone with a
suicide dive to AWS Man (also known as Bill)!
GP: Man, this guy came to fight!
JT: Malone is back up and he picks up AWS Man (also
known as Bill)... TO
GET A LOW BLOW! Low blow already!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) rams Malone into
the steel steps!
JT: Man! What impact! That sent the steps flying!
GP: Now AWS Man (also known as Bill) throws Malone
back in the ring. He
climbs to the top rope now... missile dropkick to
JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes for the cover...
Malone kicks out!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Malone
and hooks him up...
snap suplex... floatover into another cover! One...
JT: What is AWS Man (also known as Bill) going to have
to do to get rid
of this punk?
GP: I don't know.
JT: Malone is getting to his feet and AWS Man (also
known as Bill)
measures him... KNOCK YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF(thrust
Malone turns around! FLAMING COW BREAKTHROUGH(Bicycle
THAT'S DUCKED TOO!
Nikki: Malone kicks AWS Man (also known as Bill) in
the gut! Double
underhook! But AWS Man (also known as Bill) fights out
JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) scoops Malone up for
the Drop You On
Your Freakin' Face... but Malone slips out from behind
and shoves him
into the corner!
GP: They're countering all of their own trademark
JT: Malone picks up AWS Man (also known as Bill) and
places him on the
top rope, now he climbs up too!
GP: Malone hooks AWS Man (also known as Bill) with a
ICONOCLASM!? NO! AWS MAN (also known as Bill) IS
FIGHTING IT! HE FLIPS
TO THE GROUND ON HIS FEET! HE GRABS MALONE FROM
BEHIND! BREAK YOUR
FREAKIN' NECK(Burning Hammer-style Inverted DVD)!
BREAK YOUR FREAKIN'
NECK! MALONE'S DOWN!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes for the
cover! One... two...
thr-NO! HOW THE FUCK DID MALONE KICK OUT!??!
GP: Malone is in La La Land though! AWS Man (also
known as Bill) picks
up Malone! Malone somehow rolls through!
EXORCISM(Cobra clutch diving
reverse DDT)! EXORCISM! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! MALONE'S ON
TOP OF AWS MAN
(also known as Bill)! ONE... TWO... NO!
JT: Malone nearly had it with that move! That was the
very move that got
him the US title!
Nikki: Malone and AWS Man (also known as Bill) stumble
to their feet!
Malone with a right hand! AWS Man (also known as Bill)
with a right
hand! Malone with a left! AWS Man (also known as Bill)
with a left!
GP: Both men back off a bit... OH MY GOD! AWS MAN
(also known as Bill)
WITH THE KNOCK YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF AT THE SAME TIME
MALONE HITS THE
FLAMING COW BREAKTHROUGH! BOTH MEN CONNECT AT THE SAME
BOTH DOWN! WAIT A SECOND! THE REFEREE IS COUNTING
HERE?! ONE... TWO...
*ding, ding, ding*
JT: Who pinned who!?
GP: That's what I want to know!
JT: The referee is talking to Meygon now...
Meygon: Ladies and gentlemen... this match is tied for
one fall a piece!
GP: THEY'RE TIED!
Meygon: But therefore, the match will now be the best
three out of five
JT: OH MY GOD.
GP: Malone and AWS Man (also known as Bill) are back
up at the same
JT: I guess this ends their arguement... their kicks
are equally as
Nikki: Malone ducks AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s
no! He grabs AWS Man (also known as Bill)'s arm! Spins
him around! Kick
in the gut! Now Malone grabs AWS Man (also known as
Bill)'s arms and
crosses them behind his back... oh no, is this what I
think it is?!
GP: IT IS! JAPANESE OCEAN BOMB BY JOEY MALONE!
JT: Dammit! Malone's not Japanese and yet he knows
such moves! I DO NOT
Nikki: Malone's calling for it!
JT: Calling for what?
GP: Malone's going to the outside! He's waiting for
AWS Man (also known
as Bill) to get back up!
JT: Man, what's he planning?
Nikki: This could be...
GP: THE JERKEROLIZER(Springboard Diamond Dust)! THE
MALONE! MALONE JUST REARRANGED AWS MAN (also known as
Bill)'S JAW WITH
THAT MOVE! MALONE GOES FOR THE COVER! ONE... TWO...
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: The winner of the third fall... and in the
lead at two to one...
JT: MALONE'S IN THE LEAD!
GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) is still down, and
Malone's got him
back up again!
JT: Malone grabs the arm... cobra neckbreaker! For the
Nikki: Malone's seriously showing his stuff tonight!
He's got him up
GP: Malone lifts up AWS Man (also known as Bill)
again, and there's a
Torture Rack, but AWS Man (also known as Bill) falls
out of there and
grabs Malone from behind! Released German Suplex!
Nikki: Malone's down again and now AWS Man (also known
as Bill) picks up
Malone again! Splash mountain! Splash mountain by AWS
Man (also known as
Bill)! Into the cover! One... two... NO! NO! THAT ONLY
GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Malone and
sends him off the
ropes! Malone with a high impact elbow to AWS Man
(also known as Bill)'s
Nikki: Malone's calling for the Everest Cataclysm!
JT: Malone hooks him up, but AWS Man (also known as
Bill) gets a low
blow! Referee didn't see it!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Malone...
DROP YOU ON YOUR
FREAKIN' FACE(Emerald Fusion)! THAT TAKES DOWN MALONE!
HE GOES FOR THE
COVER... ONE... TWO... THREE!! WE'RE TIED!
*ding, ding, ding*
Meygon: The winner of the fourth fall... and with the
score evened up at
two a piece... AWS MAN (also known as Bill)!
JT: Malone's woozy, as AWS Man (also known as Bill)
gets him down with a
British Fall(scoop slam to reverse DDT)!
GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) goes up top! He's
looking for the Win
the Freakin' Matchifier! HE FLIES... BUT MALONE GETS
HIS KNEES UP AND
AWS MAN (also known as Bill) CRASHES INTO THEM!
Nikki: Malone is back up! He kicks AWS Man (also known
as Bill) in the
gut! Crucifix powerbomb... SIDE OF
SIDE OF FRIES-BUSTER BY MALONE! MALONE GOES FOR THE
COVER! ONE... TWO...
FOOT ON THE ROPES!
JT: MALONE HAD IT! MALONE SHOULD HAVE WON THIS!
GP: Malone with a scoop slam to AWS Man (also known as
Bill)! Now he's
signalling for the top rope!
JT: Malone's on the outside and he's climbing up! He
points down to AWS
Man (also known as Bill) and leaps!
Nikki: HE MISSED! AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES DOES MALONE
MISS THAT DAMNED BAD
MOON RISING MOVE?!?!
JT: Why does he even use it if he can't hit it!?
GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) is on his feet! KNOCK
JT: Wait! Here comes Team CGI! But Kilroy and Schitzo
Tod cut Syphon and
the Birdman off!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) for the cover!
One... two... NO!
MALONE KICKS OUT!
JT: Malone damn well wants the fucking Pacific title!
Nikki: AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Malone
and sends him off
the ropes! Leapfrog by AWS Man (also known as Bill)
and Malone runs
right into the offical! He's out!
JT: AWS Man (also known as Bill) with a tombstone
piledriver! He covers!
NO REFEREE! NO REFEREE! COME ON, REF! ONE... TWO...
THREE! HE HAS HIM
HERE! COME ON!
GP: AWS Man (also known as Bill) picks up Malone and
scoops him up for
another Drop You On Your Freakin' Face! But Malone
slips out from behind
AWS Man (also known as Bill)! He spins him around!
Kick in the gut!
...EVEREST CATACLYSM(Double arm inverted Emerald
CATACLYSM! MALONE HITS IT! HE GOES FOR THE COVER! THE
*ding, ding, ding*
GP: NEW CHAMPION! NEW CHAMPION! JOEY MALONE HAS WON
THE PACIFIC TITLE
FROM THE INSANE ONE!
Meygon: The winner of this match... and NEWWWWWW
ORGANIZATION PACIFIC CHAMPION... JOOOOOEEEEEEYYYYYY
JT: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THE INJUSTICE! MALONE ROBBED
AWS MAN (also
known as Bill) HERE!
GP: Whatever! Malone is the new champion and nothing
can change that!
Nikki: Uh, and AWS Man (also known as Bill) is the new
champion based on the stipulations.
JT: ...well, at least I'm happy a bit about that!
GP: Fans, we'll be right back!
*Commercial Break *
(We fade into the backstage area, as we see Flyer getting ready for his match. Spaz then walks up with a present in his hand.)
Spaz:Hey Flyer! I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, and I wanted to give you something you would enjoy...
Flyer:Really? This is for me?
(Spaz hands Flyer the present, as he walks away, pleased with his gift. Flyer unwraps the present, and takes out a North American Championship.)
Flyer:NOAH! You've returned!
(Spaz comes running into the picture, as he sees the shine off the belt.)
Spaz:AH! WRONG PRESENT!!!
Flyer:Spaz! How can I ever thank you! You gave me Noah Back!
(Flyer hugs Spaz.)
Flyer:Thanks alot man! I really appreciate it!
(Flyer gives Spaz a kiss on the check, as he runs away jumping up and down. Spaz then looks behind him and pulls out a fake championship North American title.)
Spaz:I knew I shouldn't have trusted Raz to wrap that present! Doh!
(Spaz throws the fake championship in the trash can... Fade in to Team FWF is in their locker room. Potright is dressed in his wrestling gear, ready to go. LiGil approaches him.)
LiGil: You want us to take care of Fission for you?
Potright: No, don't worry. I have a plan.
LiGil: But we're your team.
Potright: Trust me on this! I don't need help... especially from a woman-abusing guy like you. Maybe you should go and help Evan... he's heading out to the ring, and you just KNOW something bad's gonna happen...
(Potright walks off.)
GP: Welcome back to Hostile Takeover fans! We are having a great show tonight…
JT: The only way to top this is another Team FWF win. Potright, Linx, LiGiL, and Levine are the dominant force in the IWO today!
Nikki: Bullshit! There is a nice three-man stable started up…and they are Team CGI. They all have the potential to be World Champions one day, and have become Tag Team Champions. They also hold more gold then Team FWF!
JT: But they don’t have the World Title….so HA!
Levine: Welcome to another Team FWF night! We are dominating! As for the rest of the agenda…well…I plan on destroying some gay ass jobber in the back, so…I will leave you with some lines. Now…Phelen…at Ice Age…you’re gonna….
<“Paper Cut” by Linkin Park blares over the speakers as Syphon Fission comes from the back, microphone in hand. The fans go freaking nuts! >
Syphon: Let’s all look in the ring at the big piece of dog shit! It is beginning to talk!
Levine: I am sorry, Fission, I don’t get interrupted by jobber trash such as yourself. Now piss along, peasant!
Syphon: Tisk…tisk…Evan. Is that a way to talk to your superior talent? I know that your jealous of my god given ability of something you lack…TALENT!
Levine: You think I have no talent? Well…lets see about that right now!
Syphon: If you agree to No DQ, falls count anywhere, and as an added bonus to your no talent ass…its non-title. Thus, it means when I am done kicking your ass, you will still have that belt…
Levine: Fine, let’s get this ass kicking over with, bitch!
GP: What the hell…its Syphon Fission versus Evan Levine, in a non-title, non-DQ, match-up!
JT: LEVINE IS GONNA WASTE HIS ASS! HAHAHAHA!!!
Nikki: Fission runs into the ring, he is in. He and Levine meet with a barrage of punches. Levine has the upper hand now…he knocks back Syphon to the ropes…he charges…
GP: Levine levels Fission with an elbow. Syphon seems a bit flat…
JT: Syphon is on the ground…the elbow caught him the
mouth…he is still on the
GP: Levine is now on the outside…he grabs a chair!
No dammit…not that!
Levine back in the ring with the chair…he sets up.
Nikki: Syphon is getting up, he is dazed, Levine in a
LEVELS SYPHON FISSION WITH A GODDAMN CHAIR!
GP: Syphon is broken open…he is bleeding badly!
Dammit…he was unprepared for
JT: Levine is smiling…he sets the chair up…he lifts
Fission on his
shoulders…CONCEPTUAL PERFECTION! CONCEPTUAL
PERFECTION! HAHAHAHA!!! LEVINE
GP: KICK OUT?!?!?!?! SYPHON FISSION KICKED THE HELL
OUT AFTER A ONE COUNT!
OH MY GOD!!!!
Nikki: LOOK AT EVAN LEVINE’S FACE! HE IS SHOCKED!
SYPHON IS SMILING!
SYPHON FISSION IS SMILING AND JUMPS RIGHT BACK UP!
JT: WHAT?!?!?! THERE IS NO WAY!
GP: Syphon Fission looks at Levine…Levine is up and
he is backing away from
the larger man. Syphon just laughs…he charges…FISSION
JUST CLOCKED LEVINE
WITH A SUPER LARIAT! LEVINE DOES A FLIP IN THE AIR!
Nikki: Syphon is going turbo…he picks up Levine…snap
suplex! He picks him up
JT: Levine…Evan…what’s going on?
GP: He’s getting his ass kicked…Fission picks him
Syphon is going to throw the book at him…every move he
knows is going to be
Nikki: Syphon’s face is trickling blood…he picks up
Levine…kick in the
gut…DEATH PLUNGE! Syphon Fission has finished him
up! Pin him now!
JT: COME ON EVAN!
GP: Syphon just looks down at him. He is not going
for the cover…he picks
him up…puts him in the corner…he kicks Levine in the
gut…he has in powerbomb
position…SYPHON FISSION POWERBOMBS EVAN LEVINE INTO
THE TURNBUCKLE! LEVINE
SPIT UP SOME BLOOD!
Nikki: Syphon puts him on the top turnbuckle…he sets
him up for Titan
X-Press! What is he going to do to Levine this time?
JT: COME ON EVAN!
GP: Syphon Fission is signaling to the crowd…they are
going nuts! He lifts
him up…HE TITAN X-PRESSES HIM TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!
HOLY SHIT! LEVINE IS
Nikki: Syphon Fission looks down at Levine’s broken
body…he jumps off the
TURNBUCKLE…ROLLING HANGOVER ON EVAN LEVINE!
Nikki: Levine is not awake now…Syphon grabs him…he
picks him up…he grabs his
neck…CHOKESLAM!!! SYPHON FISSION CHOKESLAMMED LEVINE
FOR A SECOND TIME! THIS
TIME…RIGHT ON THE DUMB BASTARDS HEAD!
JT: I must perform CPR! EVAN WILL BREATHE AGAIN!
GP: Look at Syphon now…he is talking to the Spanish
people…they are leaving
the Spanish Announce Table…
Nikki: Syphon drags Evan to the top of the table…he
sets him up for another
Death Plunge…HE GOES THROUGH WITH IT! LEVINE IS DEATH
PLUNGED THROUGH THE
SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE!!!!!!
GP: Syphon Fission is not going to stop this
madness…Syphon gets up...he
drags Evan Levine to a camera…Levine’s face is bloody
as hell! Fission is
Syphon: I am a jobber, huh? Nobody has ever kicked
your ass like this! And
get used to it…I have some more moves…
Nikki: Syphon Fission is my new hero! Nobody kicks
Levine’s ass this well!
I would kiss him if he got over here!
GP: Syphon throws him in the ring…and he grabs a
Syphon: Now…Evan…fans…I got some new moves I want to
tell you about. And
since Evan Levine is a nice volunteer…he becomes the
victim. First off…we
have Seattle Lock, this is basically a Falcon
Arrow-type manuver, only instead
of dropping them on their back, I drop them on their
head. Then, I run over to
their legs and crank on a Sharpshooter until they tap
Nikki: Syphon does the move…
JT: UNFAIR! LEVINE CAN’T TAP OUT! LET GO!
Syphon: Now…Syphon Sleeper, I get my opponent into a
Dragon Sleeper and
really crank on the pressure. Then, I take his hand
that's holding us in the
hold, reach under and grab an ankle. I then falls back
and add more pressure
to the hold.
GP: SYPHON SLEEPER ON EVAN LEVINE! HAHAHAHA…LEVINE
JT: COME ON!
Syphon: Now…"You're My Bitch", I get my opponent up
into a Death Valley
Driver position, then with great agility and power,
swing them forward and
slam them down into a X-Factor Face-buster. I love
doing this on to chairs and
Nikki: Syphon drags Levine to the set up
chair…“You’re My Bitch” ON THE
CHAIR!!!! HOLY SHIT!
GP: THIS IS GREAT! LEVINE IS GETTING DESTROYED!
Syphon: Lastly…is the damn Syphoner! I kick my
opponent in the stomach with
my left foot. When they are bent over, I grab their
head, lift them up into
the air at almost a 90 degree angle, spin them, then
drop them straight on
their head. This is great to do on chair too!
JT: Oh god…this is sick!
GP: SYPHON LIFTS HIM UP FOR THE SYPHONER…ON THE SEAT
OF THE CHAIR! YES!
Nikki: Syphon Fission got game!!!
< ‘I am your Boogie Man’ comes on the speakers as
LiGiL, Desiree Goldman and
Scott Linx charge from the back. The fans boo. >
JT: ABOUT TIME!
Nikki: Linx is in the ring…SYPHON KICKS HIM IN THE
GUT…DEATH PLUNGE ON LINX!
LiGiL NOW IN…KICK IN THE GUT…DEATH PLUNGE! THEY ROLL
OUT OF THE RING!
GP: Desiree in the ring now…SYPHON KICKS HER IN THE
JT: COME ON!!! NO!!!
Nikki: Linx and LiGiL are on the ground on the
< “School Of Hard Knocks” by POD blares over the
speakers as Team CGI runs out
of the back and beat the living shit out of LiGiL and
Scott Linx. >
GP: JOEY MALONE AND 0¿0 ARE BEATING THE TEAM FWF
JT: NO! COME ON TEAM FWF!
Nikki: Syphon picks up Evan Levine…kick in the
gut…ANOTHER DAMN DEATH PLUNGE
ON EVAN LEVINE! LEVINE IS OBVIOUSLY DEAD! SYPHON
Ring Announcer: YOUR WINNER…SYPHON FISSION!
JT: *Crying* NO!
GP: Thank god for Levine’s sake that is was
non-title…or Syphon Fission would
be IWO World Champion.
Nikki: Syphon just showed the world why he is the
future of this company!
ring and kisses Syphon, and
all of Team CGI get in the ring. >
GP: This is the dominant stable in the IWO…TEAM CGI!
JT: TEAM FWF WILL GET REVENGE!
Nikki: This war is not over…Syphon picks up the IWO
World Title belt! THE
JT: THAT’S LEVINE’S TITLE!
GP: FANS…WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK…EVAN LEVINE IS SMOKED
BY SYPHON FISSION!
(Fade back in )
Ho Ho Ho Match
Psycho Jay vs. Rob Kestler vs. Samuel Potright vs.
GP: IT'S TIME... IT'S TIME... IT'S VADER TIME!
(Vader's music plays, but then stops when JT
JT: DON'T DO THAT. You're scaring the kids!
Nikki: Anyway, it's time for the main event and stuff.
JT: It's time for that silly Ho Ho Ho Match! Yay!
Hookers and blood and
guts, OH MY!
Nikki: You're sick.
JT: I know. It's my hobby, it is, it is!
("Papercut" by Linkin Park hits as Syphon Fission
walks out and to the ring. He climbs in and faces the
IWOTron, as the scene for the match fades into view.
Meygon, dressed in a Santa outfit which has an
extremely short skirt to wow the guys, comes out.
Then, "Sober" by Tool plays as the fans pop, although
not as much ever since he handed Levine the title and
But still a pop, and it is good!)
Meygon: First... from Chicago, Illinois... weighing in
at 272 pounds...
he is "the Legend" Phelen Kell!
(Phelen Kell is seen walking into the workshop. Then
"Faster Grace" by
Custom plays as the fans sort of pop and sort of boo
Samuel Potright, as
he walks out.)
Meygon: Next... from Salem, Mass, weighing in at 207
pounds... he is
(Sam Potright comes into the room, just because he
can. Then, "Stayin'
Alive" by Ozzy Osbourne... the greatest theme music
ever ever ever,
plays as Rob Kestler comes out to a huge pop.)
Meygon: Next.... from Minneapolis, Minnesota...
weighing in at 313
pounds... he is Rob Kestler!
(Rob Kestler comes out. Yay. Then, "Divine" by Korn
plays as Psycho Jay
comes out to a pop that is almost, but not quite,
entirely like huge.)
Meygon: Finally... from South Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania... weighing in
at 320 pounds... he is Psycho Jay!
(Psycho Jay comes out and we commence ass-kicking.)
JT: Jay squares off with Kell and immediately starts
unloading on the
legend with rights and lefts! Kell fires back!
GP: Potright dodges a right hand from Kestler, but
doesn't dodge the
JT: Jay with a drop toe hold to Kell and more right
hands to the back of
Nikki: Potright with a dropkick to Kestler's knee!
JT: Kell grabs Jay's hand and flips him over and
starts hammering on
GP: Potright has the upper hand on Kestler as he rams
him into some
random object that I seriously don't feel like
JT: ...it's a fucking table!
Nikki: Greg's getting lazy.
GP: Yes, I am. =P
JT: WAIT A SECOND! OH MY GOD! THE WORKSHOP IS BEING
CONSUMED IN THE
FLAMES OF HELL!
Nikki: JESUS! WHAT'S THAT?!?!
GP: IT'S SATAN! SATAN IS HERE! SATAN IS HERE!
JT: LISTEN TO THE CROWD BOOING FOR THE MOST DIABLOICAL
Nikki: LOOK AT WHAT'S RISING UP FROM THE DEPTHS OF
HELL! IT'S... A BUNCH
OF STICKS WITH DIFFERENT VARIATIONS OF SANTA'S HEAD
AROUND! MY GOD! HOW
JT: I'M IN HEAVEN!
GP: No, you're in Hell.
(Suddenly, half the building falls over.)
GP: DEAR GOD NO! IT'S GODZILLA! IT'S GODZILLA! HE'S
BACK! WE HAVEN'T
SEEN HIM SINCE AUTUMN IN HELL!
JT: Greg, are we dreaming?
GP: Probably not.
JT: SATAN WALKS OVER TO KESTLER!
Nikki: They're... talking?!
Satan: Hey, Rob. I like what you've done to the
Psychic Porn N'Go.
Rob Kestler: Derp.
Rob Kestler: Moodoodle.
Satan: Anyway, do you have my favorite porn?
Rob Kestler: Sure do, Satankins!
Satan: ...please stop calling me that.
Rob Kestler: :^(
(Kestler hands Satan his porn.)
(Satan leaves to watch porn.)
GP: That was entirely fucked up.
(Static, then scene cut to the North Pole.)
Pollie: We are here at the North Pole! I am your host,
Penguin, along with Alfred the Polar Bear!
Alfred: I don't know why we should b- OH MY GOD! WHAT
THE HELL IS THAT!
Pollie: IT'S SKELETOR! HE HAS RETURNED TO THE NORTH
POLE! SOME ELVES
COME OUT TO STOP HIM FROM TAKING IT OVER! KICK WHAM...
DOWN GOES ONE! KICK WHAM SKELESTUNNER! ANOTHER ONE IS
Skeletor: HEY, SANTA! BRING YOUR POMPOUS, FAT ASS OVER
HERE AND LET'S
BATTLE TO THE DEATH!
Alfred: MY GOD! MY GOD! SLOBBERKNOCKER!
*Pollie bitchslaps Alfred*
(Suddenly, "Christmas Time(to the tune of Triple H's
theme)" plays as
Santa comes out!)
Santa: Skeletor! Now you'll have to face the GAYME,
BECAUSE I AM THAT
Skeletor: ...dude, you're not Evan Levine. =P
Santa: Er... dammit. Oh well, I'll kick your ass,
Pollie: AND IT'S ON! SANTA WITH A RIGHT! SKELETOR IS
DOWN! NOW SKELETOR
GETS LOCKED UP! HAPPY HOLIDAYS(Pedigree)! HAPPY
HOLIDAYS BY SANTA! NOW
SANTA PULLS OUT HIS GIGANTO BLASTER!
Santa: Say your prayers!
Alfred: MY GOD! MY GOD! SLOBBERKNOCKER!
*Pollie bitchslaps Alfred again*
Pollie: Uhm, anyway, Santa has just destroyed
Skeletor! We now return
you to your regularly scheduled program!
(Static, back to JT, GP, and Nikki.)
JT: THIS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MATCHES EVER!
GP: I know! Potright is up on a platform about ten
feet above the actual
workshop and he's brawling with Psycho Jay, while Kell
is busy with
Kestler below them!
JT: Potright with a rake in Jay's eyes! SUPERKICK!
THAT SUPERKICK JUST
TOOK THE BIG MAN DOWN!
Nikki: Jay's down, but he's getting back up!
Potright's waiting for him!
Kick in Jay's gut! Possibly the War Within a Breath!
NO! Jay picks him
up and SNAPS him to the canvas with a high angle
GP: Jay picks up Potright and... oh no! No! Potright's
up in powerbomb
position! JAY LEAPS OFF THE SCAFFOLDING! A TEN FOOT
POTRIGHT! MY GOD! MY GOD!
JT: GOOD NIGHT, POTRIGHT!
Nikki: But Kell cuts him off! He grabs Jay! DDT! A DDT
JT: WAIT A MINUTE! LOOK UP THERE!
GP: MARTIANS ARE BEAMING DOWN INTO OUR WORKSHOP!
Nikki: DAMN THEM! WE WERE HAVING SUCH A GOOD MATCH
AFTER SATAN LEFT!
GP: THE MARTIANS ARE HERE TO KILL US ALL!
JT: ONE OF THEM AIMS THEIR KILL-O-ZAP RAY AT KELL!
KELL DUCKS AND THE
RAY BOUNCES BACK AND KILLS THE MARTIAN!
GP: JAY GRABS ANOTHER! HUMPINATOR!
("The Doughboy From Hell" by the Pillsbury Doughboy
Band plays as the
Pillsbury Doughboy runs out to a HUGE POP and brawls
with the Martians.
They leave the workshop.)
Nikki: THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY IS SAVING US ALL AGAIN!
GP: POTRIGHT IS BACK UP!? HOW THE HELL IS THAT MAN UP
JT: LUNATIC PANDORA! LOOK AT THOSE BLUE STREAKS IN
THAT PSYCHO'S HAIR!
HE'S PANDORA! HE KICKS KELL IN THE MIDSECTION... WAR
BREATH(Evenflow Implant DDT)! WAR WITHIN A BREATH TO
GP: KELL IS DOWN!
Nikki: Down? HE MAY BE DEAD!
(Static. Scene cut to Seattle. Shirley Temple is
dancing all over
Seattle, much to the terror of the hapless citizens,
who are getting
crushed like ants, since she's about the size of
Godzilla. Back to the
JT: WHAT A MOVE BY KESTLER!
GP: I NEVER HAVE SEEN A MAN FLY SO FAR BEFORE!
Nikki: KESTLER WITH ONE ARM FLUNG LUNATIC PANDORA
RIGHT INTO A WALL!
JT: THE WALL BROKE! THE WALL BROKE! MY GOD!
GP: It was a FAKE wall, you ninnie!
Nikki: WAIT! IT'S THE REINDEER! AND THEY HAVE BEEN
LOADED UP ON
JT: THEY LOOK LIKE SCOTT STEINER! ALL OF THEM!
GP: THEY GRAB PANDORA AND THROW HIM BACK AT KESTLER
AND... OH MY GOD!
PANDOA JUST TURNED THAT INTO THE TATTOO OF THE
SUN(Swanton into Stone
Cold Stunner)! KESTLER'S DOWN!
JT: BUT JAY'S BACK UP! LORD KNOWS HOW HE SURVIVED THAT
Nikki: He spins Pandora around! Kick in the gut...
REALLY FUN AMAZING
GP: That would be a Stunner.
JT: Pandora is back to being Potright again!
GP: Jay picks up Potright again, but Potright lands a
low blow on Jay!
WAR WITHIN A BREATH TO JAY!
Nikki: Potright struggles to get to the hookers...
JT: Kell tries to stop him!
GP: But he trips and falls over!
JT: Kestler gets up, but he's too late!
Nikki: POTRIGHT IS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH THAT
*ding, ding, ding!*
Nikki: POTRIGHT HAS SUCCESSFULLY SINNED AND HE'S THE
GP: AND NOW HE HAS TO GO THROUGH SYPHON FISSION TO
KEEP HIS SHOT!
(Potright pushes the ho off of him and begins heading
back towards the arena. We follow him as he
heads through the hallways.)
JT: Here he comes!
(Syphon Fission stands in the ring. Potright is
finding his way back... and he walks out! Fission
of the ring as Potright gets close to it, and they
begin trading punches.)
GP: THEY'RE GOING AT IT! Potright is putting up his #1
contender's slot against Fission at Ice Age, and
it will be a massacre!
(Potright rolls Fission into the ring, only to have
Fission get up and kick him in the head as he gets
GP: Fission goes after Potright with kicks and
punches... DDTs Potright! Fission is going to get an
advantage eight days before they go off on each other!
(Evan Levine hits the ring, as does LiGil and Scott
Linx. Fission goes to fight them off, but LiGil gets
as Fission attacks Evan.)
Nikki: Syphon beat the holy hell out of Levine and
company earlier tonight, and they must want revenge!
(Team FWF begins to bring the pain down on Fission,
when "Sober" by TOOL hits.)
GP: THIS CROWD IS OFF THEIR ROCKER! HERE COMES THE
LEGEND HIMSELF! AND THERE'S
HIGH FLYER! IT'S PRIME TIME FOR AN ASS-WHOOPING!
(Kell hits the ring, Linx goes after him, CLOTHESLINE
FROM HELL! Linx is knocked clear out of the
ring. LiGil goes after him, Kell grabs him, and tosses
him over the top rope, right next to Linx. Flyer takes
him and slams him into the guardrail before dragging
him to the back. Evan lets up on Fission and slowly
JT: AHHHH! LEVINE'S ALONE WITH KELL! KELL WANTS TO
BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM...
LEVINE GETS OUT OF THE RING! KELL AFTER HIM, BUT
THANKFULLY, EVAN HITS HIM WITH
THE WORLD TITLE!... KELL ISN'T EVEN FAZED! SHIT! EVAN
IS RIGHTFULLY RUNNING!
(Fission and Potright are alone in the ring...
Potright walks over to Fission, but Fission hits a low
then gets up...)
GP: SYPHON FISSION WITH THE DEATH PLUNGE TO SAM
POTRIGHT! He's standing above
Potright, and he places one foot on his chest! Kell
and Levine are battling backstage! The IWO is IN
CONTROL TONIGHT! What will happen between now and Ice
** FADE OUT **
** FADE... IN? **
GP: Folks, you will not believe this... will someone point a camera up there?
("Hero Of The Day" by Metallica is playing through the arena, and everyone is looking up... where Syphon Fission is hanging from the rafters, ropes tied to the rafters and to his wrists. He's unconscious. A single wreath, black, tiny black roses placed in places where the leafless branches intertwingle, is worn on his head.)
GP: This is... this is just incomprehensible. It's eerie...
(Lights shine above, where the rafters are... there stands We Don't Like You, Scott Stone and Al Coholic. They're laughing...)
GP: IT WAS THEM! AND THERE STANDS LUNATIC PANDORA! HE LAUGHS, HIS ARMS IN THE CRUCIFIX POSITION! These men... they're SICK!
(Fades out from the ring to backstage... where Levine is running from Kell. He tosses trash cans and things in the way, but Kell steps over them or stomps right on them. Levine's eyes are wide and round.)
Evan: DAMN YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME!
(Evan enters the parking garage... he gets to his car, goes to open the door, and who sits inside but... PHELEN KELL?)
JT: THE HELL! HE WAS CHASING LEVINE A MINUTE AGO!
Nikki: If Kell's there, then...
(The Kell that chased Evan walks up behind him. He rips off the wig... it's a bald, post-chemotherapy Trent McFarlane!)
Trent: You may have given me cancer, you prick... you may have cut my life short... but, dammit... it'll be the last thing I do... I'm gonna kick your ass.
(Trent wallops Evan in the head. He falls into the front seat, and Kell throws him into the passenger side. Trent gets in the back and the car speeds off.)
** CUT TO BLACK **