Desperate Measures 2001|
Posted by Dallas Rockfield
The Walk Along Rant for Desperate Measures 2001
- Live from the Ice Palace in Tampa.
- Opening Match: The Deadly Sins v. The Youth
This is the Sins' first PPV appearance, and the Youth's first and last appearance. Period. Breaker gets a DDT for a one count to start, and I must say that we must have gotten the Special Education version of our usual broadcast team. Brawling continues until Exiled Youth hits a vertical suplex and an inverted DDT on Walker for two. Breaker gets a neckbreaker, and Exiled delivers a horrible excuse of a swanton bomb that looked to have missed about a foot, but I guess the impact of Exiled's skull hitting the mat sent a shockwave that damaged Breaker(who wasn't even fucking down at that time) anyway. Walker eats another inverted DDT from Exiled(god, does Exiled know any other move?!) and that gets the win. And as the great and mighty Jeremy Frampton once said as he parted the Red Seas... W/E. DUD
- Erik Blake v. Eddie Cheno
It was supposed to be Blake v. Ash Robinson, but Robinson decided not to show up. Blake gets a quick dropkick, but Cheno comes back with Sucks To Be You, but it's early in the match, so Blake kicks out. Blake has the gall to NO-SELL a super brainbuster and come back with a tope. Bullshit, Blake. Bullshit. Stupidity involving Blake's slut of a girlfriend results in a Highlighter by Blake for the pin. Again, Jeremy Frampton brings me back to the old wise-saying... W/E. DUD.
- Number One Contendership to the Unified Title: Adam Wars v. Ben Archer
Wars spears Archer from behind to start off, but Archer comes back with a DDT and a Sharpshooter. Wars reverses to a chickenwing(don't ask how he did it), but Sephirya Reign hits the ref with a SLEDGEHAMMER. If there was ever a time where a referee needs to sell something like he's shot, this is the time. Reign hits Wars in the back with the sledgehammer, but Wars tosses Reign into the guardrail. Wars hits a Tiger Driver through the Spanish Announce Table, but nearly gets counted out. This referee should be a wrestler, he took a sledgehammer blow and still got up. A billion reversals of pins leads to a two count for Archer. Wars DDTs Archer, and anklelocks him. Where are YOUR gold medals, Ben Archer? Archer comes back with a low blow and a powerbomb for the pin at 4:53. There was too much stupidity going on in this match to make it watchable, with JT and Shallow's constant fighting(and constant cuts to their fight) and Janitor Nine's involvement. *½
- Real Deal Finals, World Title Contendership Match: Joey Malone v. LiGiL v. Sabastian Crow
I don't like the chances Malone or LiGiL of making this watchable. Crow sucks so much that he could have bad matches with Chris Benoit. With Eddie Guerrero and Dean Malenko in as well to make it a fourway. This match came about as a result of the Real Deal Tournament, as both LiGiL and Malone advanced and fought Crow, with Matthews reffing. That didn't turn out too well, so this is the rematch. Crow does a twenty minute interview BEFORE THE FUCKING MATCH. Not only was his a bad wrestler, but his promos put me to sleep. And this guy would win three Extreme titles before IWO finally fired him. Crow no-sells the offense of both men to start, before dumping Malone and suplexing LiGiL. A pair of clotheslines by Crow puts the other two men down. Nice selling by Joey with the somersault on the clothesline he got. Crow tries a superplex, but Joey knocks him off, and then Keri tosses a chair into Crow's hands, where Joey dropkicks it into him. I always liked that spot. LiGiL tries to steal the pin, but Joey breaks it up. LiGiL gets a leg lariat and goes for the Palindrome, but Joey counters into an Iconoclasm, called wrongly by Nikki, and corrected by Parker. Crow, of course, decides to kill the flow as quickly as it started by lumbering into Joey, and powerslamming him. Alleged DVD which looked more like a flapjack by Crow. Crow goes for the Sharpshooter, and LiGiL powers Crow into a German suplex, but Joey kicks him low and Jerkerolizes him. Crow and Joey fight over the pin, then Crow beats him in a slugfest, but Joey comes back with a brutal DDT for two. LiGiL knocks down Joey and then smashes the belt into his face, for two. Crow gets an alleged Sky High, but LiGiL pretty much did all of the work on it, and it gets two. I should say so! Crow kills Malone with a powerbomb, but walks into a DVD by LiGiL. LiGiL goes up, but gets crotched. Top rope superplex by Crow, and Malone hits the Creedence Headbutt just as they land. Neat spot. LiGiL goes for the Palindrome on Crow, but Malone grabs LiGiL, and while Crow is still on LiGiL's shoulders, Joey Cataclysm LiGiL and pins him at 9:32 to win the tournament and the contendership, blowing the roof off of the arena in the process. Joey and LiGiL held it well, but Crow had a lot more offense and blew way too many spots. **
- IWO Television Title Match: Sephiyra Reign v. Ryan Remedy v. AWS Man (also known as Bill)
Remedy is useless. Reign was coming into his own, but he left soon after. AWS Man just came off of a heartbreaking loss to Syphon Fission at BHBB, and this was basically a formality. Brawling to start between Remedy and AWS Man, while Reign takes his dear sweet time walking to the ring. DDT by AWS Man to Remedy for two, then Reign finally gets in the ring and gets snap suplexed at a result for two. Reign gets a bulldog on AWS Man, followed up with a shoulderblock. Sephiyra gets an ABNOMINAL STRETCH OF DISFIGUREMENT, followed up with a spinning headscissors. Man, AWS Man must not be caring too much out there. AWS Man gets a tornado DDT on Reign and Remedy, but the ref forces him out(this match is under triangle rules, not triple threat). This match has gone FIFTEEN MINUTES so far. Good god. Tombstone by AWS Man, then Reign clotheslines him over the top at Parker calls AWS Man a former World champion. Not for another four months, Parker. Idiot. Neckbreaker by Remedy gets two on Reign, then AWS Man drops Remedy on his freakin' face. And Remedy has the balls to KICK OUT at two. WTFMF? Sunset flip by AWS Man gets two on Remedy, so AWS Man tosses him to the floor and Matchifiers him. That should've been the finish, but someone forgot to tell them as such, and the match continues. Remedy trips AWS Man and locks in a figure four for some god forsaken reason, and Reign breaks it and tosses Remedy. Remedy comes back in and stops AWS Man from winning with a flying forearm. Um, yeah, sure... like AWS Man resembles Tito Santana. Parker calls AWS Man a legend(about a year *before* that would be true), and AWS Man drops Reign on his freakin' face. Matchifier wins it for AWS Man at a brisk 26:42. Match was too slow and boring, despite AWS Man's efforts. Why this got twenty-five minutes, I'll NEVER know. *½ The TV title was essentially never heard from again until AWS Man eventually vacated it a good four months later.
- Ben Archer comes out, and ?¿? makes a brief return to MDD his ass back to the stone age. And, of course, Archer would eventually win their match.
- IWO World Tag Title Match: Smithright (Gunnar Smith and Samuel Potright) v. The Suicide Kings
The Kings reformed very soon after Jeff's failed singles push. Inverted DDT by Potright on one of the Kings, but Smith gets pounded. Jeff King climbs up, but Smith tosses Ryan into him. Ryan pounds on Gunnar, though, but Potright comes in and piledrives him. The ref is bumped and Smithright double-teams Ryan with a bulldog. Resthold by Potright on Jeff, while Ryan comes back with a double underhook belly-to-belly on Gunnar and breaks the resthold. Ryan with a backbreaker on Potty, and the Kings wake up the ref for two, broken by Gunnar. Flapjack by Gunnar on Jeff, and a single arm DDT on Ryan that gets two. Gunnar catches a King on the floor, puts him on the railing, and legdrops him. Neat. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Jeff, followed up with a top rope moonsault that gets two. Gunnar is a big guy, and to see him do a moonsault is impressive. Springboard body press by Gunnar gets one on Jeff, before he tags in Potright. Potright, of course, gets fameassered and then fisherman suplexes the illegal man for two. Russian legsweep/clothesline combination sets up a SPIKED Perfection X-Press that is only broken up by a shooting star press by Ryan King. Ho. Lee. Shit. Then, in an AMAZING spot, Jeff delivers a tornado DDT on Potright... while BOTH men are standing on the top rope! It looks to be a double KO, but Ryan slides back in. The Kings continue the goodness with a top rope body press and powerbomb combination on Potright. They go to Flip the Switch, but Gunnar stops it with a spear on Jeff King(who's standing on the top rope, mind you). Ryan dropkicks some stairs into Gunnar's face, and applies a sharpshooter. Take note, Crow. That is the PROPER way to apply a sharpshooter. Unfortunately, Ryan plays in the ropes for too long and the hold is broken. Gunnar comes back with a DDT, but he can't make the tag. The Kings get a double brainbuster on Gunnar, and Ryan INGENIOUSLY ties Potright up in the ropes. Why doesn't anyone ELSE try that tactic? Gunnar makes a comeback with the Perfection X-Press on Jeff, but Ryan King clotheslines the shit out of him and Ryan gets the pin at 16:42 to win their second tag titles. AWESOME match, shit ending. **** This was the end of the Smithright team, as Potright would win the World title on the show directly after this, and Gunnar would offically retire from wrestling two months later.
- Invitational Boxing Tournament: Kirk Maclean v. Dan Hopkins v. Anthony Rydel v. Kent Anthason v. Jade O'Dell v. Bainkey
Hopkins would turn out to be Psycho Jay. Only Anthason and Bainkey ever went on to be important. This whole thing was one SHITTY debut for any of these guys, and I'm not even going to cover this atrocity. Anthason wins it. He would go on to win the North American title three weeks later. Bainkey is better known as the psychotic Nuke.
- Extreme Title Match: Donnie Daze v. Sabastian Crow
Daze is a miracle worker, and he's going to need one to carry Crow to a anything resembling a good match. Daze, of course, does the smart thing and crashes a pair of glass plates over Crow's head from behind for two. Crow NO-SELLS THAT(how the fuck...) and comes back with a bulldog on the steel steps. Crow sets up a table and goes to put him through it, but Daze tosses a chair at him to crotch him. Daze uses the chair and uses it for power in a European uppercut that knocks Crow through a flaming table with broken glass on it. Right. W/E. Daze with a ballshot using the chair, but Daze trips over some little girl and Crow NO-SELLS ALL OF THAT AND PILEDRIVES DAZE ON THE CONCRETE. Okay, not even DAZE can carry this guy to a good match, now. That just proves how much this guy sucks. Crow then slams a Daze fan onto Daze, and that gets two. W/E. Daze comes back with a flying chairshot, but Crow pisses me off more by not even letting Daze have THAT and hits him in the air with a baseball bat. He hits him in the nuts again, but Daze is wearing a cup, so Crow hits him in the balls again after Daze shows him the cup. Daze has no one else to blame but himself for that one. Front suplex onto the railing by Crow, but Daze comes back with a WOODEN chair to the skull. Crow does a bladejob, and that should've been it, but Daze decides that all of that Crow offense wasn't deserved(and really, god bless Daze for trying to make this watchable), and he spreads thumbtacks into the ring. Daze hits Crow with a chair, but Crow no-sells and powerbombs Daze through a table. I believe that sound you just heard was all of the smarks in attendance standing up and yelling "FUCK YOU, CROW" in unison. Crow applies the Sharpshooter, but Daze makes the ropes. Daze gets a TOP ROPE DAC, which would end ANY OTHER MATCH IN THE UNIVERSE, but that FUCKER makes sure that Daze only gets two out of it by putting his foot on the ropes. So Daze goes for Further Paralysis, but Crow no-sells the super DaC, chokeslams Daze, and applies the Sharpshooter for the submission at 7:43 to win the Extreme title. Daze tried, he really tried, but it was almost as if Crow was just TRYING to make Daze look bad in some chemical response of Daze trying to put himself over as much as he was putting Crow over. Thankfully, Daze was pushed to the World title not long after this match, and he never had to fight against the Black Hole of Suck that was Crow ever again. ¼*
- Ladder match, Pacific and United States title unification match: Simon Seaman v. Cyanide
This should've been Seaman v. Cyanide, but the Pacific champion, Schitzo Tod, injured himself when he won the Pacific title, so Cyanide took his place. Cyanide overpowers Seaman to start. So, Seaman tries again and uses his quickness to hit Cyanide with a belly-to-back. Seaman hits Cyanide with clotheslines until Cyanide kicks him in the groin, followed up with a DDT. Cyanide uses his power to lift Seaman over his head and toss him into the ladder that's standing on the outside. Seaman is insane for taking that bump. Cyanide whips Seaman into guardrails, but the second time, Seaman jumps on the guardrail and comes back with a dropkick. Neat spot. Simon rams the ladder into Cyanide's gut and charges, but Cyanide drop toe holds Seaman and he falls onto the ladder. Ouch. Cyanide tosses Seaman and the ladder back in, and clotheslines Seaman off the top. Seaman comes back with a brutual tornado DDT on the ladder. Seaman climbs, but Cyanide tips it over, but Seaman turns THAT into a cross body on Cyanide. Seaman is God. However, Cyanide catches Seaman with a mule kick as he was going for a German suplex, and Cyanide hits him with a Dragon Suplex. Cyanide sets up the ladder and climbs, but Seaman recovers and knocks him off with a dropkick. This injures Simon's ankle, however, and Cyanide works it over. Cyanide grabs a steel chair, but as he tries to bring it on Simon's ankle, he kicks it in his face and reveals that he was faking the injury. Again, Seaman is God. Seaman with ten punches in the corner, but Cyanide lowblows him(again) and throws him to the outside. Cyanide and Seaman introduce each other to the ring apron, until Seaman pops Cyanide with a LOUD chairshot that dents the chair. Simon climbs, but instead of going for the belts, he goes for the Silencer like an idiot, and misses. Okay, Simon's been demoted to Minor Deity. Cyanide applies the Pink Floyd, and climbs, but Simon's back up. AWS Man runs in, and tries to knock Seaman's freakin' head off, but he knocks the ladder's head off, instead, if a ladder had a head. Cyanide tumbles to the outside as a result. Seaman takes out AWS Man before he climbs up and unifies the titles at 10:21. Good match, as short as it was. It could've been better, and AWS Man really didn't have to run in, but Seaman and Cyanide really did a good job. ***½
- Potright is jumped in the back by Why, who turns out to be the Hardcore Isosceles Trapezoid. Trappy's all pissed because of ToT2, so he kidnaps Beth Potright. This would set up Trick or Treat III at the next PPV.
- Main event, World Title Match: Dane Matthews v. Syphon Fission v. Joey Malone
Matthews was the champion, undeservedly winning the belt from Fission immediately following Broken Hearts, Broken Bones. Malone is still the North American champion. Fission was a mere one-time champion at this point. Matthews tries to get Crow in the match, but Tom Ford, realizing that the match would suck much more horribly if he were put in the match, is all "NO BITCH" and throws Crow out. Thank god, if I had any more of Crow in this card, I'd be pretty pissed off. Matthews gets chased around the ring by Syphon, and Malone catches him with a flapjack on the floor. Ouch. Fission runs right into Malone, who Jerkerolizes him unknowingly. Joey is in shock over the fact that he just took out his best friend(at the time), and Matthews neckbreakers him on the floor. Back in, Matthews hits a single arm DDT on Joey, then applies a chinlock. He makes my day by seguing the chinlock into a drop sleeper for two, as Fission comes off the top with an elbow drop to break. Fission lowblows Matthews, and locks in a Canadian backbreaker, but Joey breaks it and is all "BAD CANADIAN MOVE" and Fission is all "SO WHAT?" and Matthews is all "WASSSUUUUP" with a double low blow to both men. Acid Drop by Matthews to Fission, and an atomic drop to Malone. Did we just suddenly go back to the 70s? It gets two. Whew. Malone comes back with a swinging neckbreaker, but Fission is still mad about the Jerkerolizer from earlier and German suplexes his best friend for two. Fission dropkicks Malone to the floor, then takes out Matthews in the ring with an STF. Malone breaks, and inflicts Mad Cow Disease on Fission, so Matthews, like a hawk, goes for the Downtown Explosion on Malone, but Joey wiggles out and hits a front suplex. Joey stinger splashes Matthews in the corner, but takes a fameasser from Fission. I thought Joey had nightmares from the off-the-cell Elimination at the last PPV and didn't intend on taking such a move, but the man's braver than I thought. It gets two as Joey puts his foot on the ropes. Fission powerslams Malone for two, broken up by Matthews. Double Dragon sleeper spot, with Fission getting sleepered by Matthews, and Matthews being sleepered by Malone, but Matthews DROPS down, taking out both men at once. Clever. Keri tosses the chair again, and Malone superkicks it into Matthews' face. Malone looks to finish with the Cataclysm, but a man in a trenchcoat runs in and hits Joey with the Collect Call From Beyond, allowing Fission to hit the Death Plunge on Matthews at 16:43 to win his second World title. Awesome match, showing the first signs of the Malone-Fission feud that wouldn't actually come until both men had long left the federation, but it all turned out to be for naught, as Samuel Potright would win the title at the next Takeover and negate Fission's big win. In fact, this was Fission's last truly good match in the IWO before he left(for the first of many times). ****½
Two four star matches, but the stuff involving Sabastian Crow nearly killed the card at points, as it would for much of his time in the IWO. Still, it's worth it to see the true beginnings of Team CGI's breakup.
Thumbs in the middle.