Broken Hearts, Broken Bones 2001|
Posted by Dallas Rockfield
The Walk Along Rant for Broken Hearts, Broken Bones 2001
- Live from Paris.
- Syphon Fission comes out for his twenty minute PPV interview, because we *all* know that's why we buy these PPVs.
- Opening Contest: Spaz v. Jeff King v. Erik Blake v. Mac D.
This is basically Mac's last appearance in IWO before he disappeared. This is also Jeff King's failed attempt as a singles wrestler, and Blake's first appearance on IWO PPV. Idiot announcers refer to Blake as "Erik Blade". Erik busts out the moveset with a knee to Spaz's groin. Way to go, Erik. He follows with a DDT on Spaz. Jeff King gets a superplex on Mac D., as the announcers are going for the Verbal Blowjob for King. Some mystery man comes out in some contrived angle involving Spaz that didn't go anywhere. Blake gets a bulldog on Spaz on the floor, as Mac D is still selling the superplex. Listen, you took ONE MOVE, Mac, you can't be dead already. Finally, King rolls over and of course it only gets two. Damn, with the announcers' selling of that superplex, I am shocked and appalled that it only got two. King tries a powerbomb, but Mac counters, only to eat trash can lid. Okay, if you're going for no DQ, TELL US. God. King gets a rollup on Blake for two, and then Spaz bulldogs Blake on the trash can lid. The mystery man tosses Cactus to Spaz, and Spaz hits Jeff King by accident, and Blake gets an implant DDT for the pin at 5:02. Spaz and Mac D were gone VERY soon after this, King would go back to the tag division immediately after this, and Blake would not win anything important for a good seven months. Match was a total clusterfuck, not made any better with the announcers' total idiocy. ½*
- Adam Wars comes out for a bitch session, and Daze is all "NO, BITCH, SHUT UP". So Wars challenges Daze for his Pacific title and Daze is all "I'M THERE, BITCH". So am I, Daze.
- Pacific Title Match: Donnie Daze v. Adam Wars
Wars pounds on Daze to start, but Daze comes back with a beautiful flying clothesline. An awesome turn-around springboard dropkick by Daze, and Wars quickly bails to the outside. But Daze is all "NO, BITCH, YOU'RE NOT RUNNING" and gets an AMAZING no-hands plancha. Daze grabs a chair as we start to see the glimpses of Daze's awesome heelish side, but it doesn't last as Wars superkicks it into his face. Wars tosses Daze back into the ring and gets a graceful guillotine legdrop on Daze that gets two. Blind charge by Wars eats boot, and Daze rips his head off with a lariat. Wars comes back with a short arm clothesline and a legdrop for two. Wars goes for a powerbomb, but Daze reverses to the Port St. Lucie Slam. Kick in the gut is countered into a Breakdown attempt, which is countered to a kick in the groin. Daze clotheslines Wars to the floor, and Wars grabs a chair. Back in, Wars tries a chairshot, but misses by a mile, and Daze gets a swinging DDT for two. Wars tries again with the chair, but it bounces back and catches him in the face. Daze gets a chair of his own, and both men play chair wars before Daze tries for the DaC. Wars pushes him into the corner, hits a splash, then an AWESOME springboard bulldog. Again with the chair games, but the last time Daze ducks, Wars catches him with the Breakdown for the pin and the title at 9:32. Both of these men took ten minutes and rocked the fucking house. The IWO were just idiots to not see how good Wars was until he was released about a month after this match. ****
- Promo for the next match.
- United States title match, President of the United States match: Simon Seaman v. Ben O'Connor
It wasn't especially bright to hold this PPV in PARIS, FRANCE and then have THIS match. The rules include a huge model of the US, and you have to climb on top of it and declare yourself president. Seaman quickly climbs on top of Texas and swantons onto Ben O'Connor... and falls flat on his back on the concrete. Might I just say... ouch? O'Connor quickly grabs the US belt and busts Simon open with it. Both men climb up to the top of the model and Seaman powerbombs him, and then German suplexes him OFF the model. For the record, the announcers were quite exaggerating about the size of the model, as it was really just forty feet tall. The arena wasn't big enough to even hold a model at the size they were saying. Both men fight over Ohio and Pennsylvania, and then Seaman shoves O'Connor off the model and declares himself president at 4:31 to retain the title. What a stupid farce this is. These two would have an INFINITELY BETTER match at Heatstroke over the same title, but this match was basically all about huge, crazy bumps, and while it delivered, as a match, it sucked. *½ for the bumps.
- Billy Ray v. Eddie Cheno
Winner gets employed, loser has to kick their habit. Ray with a German suplex on Cheno for two. Stinger splash, but Cheno comes back with the Flip Flop and Fly. Hey, Cheno, that should only be used by fat guys and freaks in gold suits. Just thought I'd warn you. Snap suplex by Ray takes the power back and gets two, and the match goes to the outside. Ray works Cheno over with a steel chair, and then gets the Poochiebomb through a table. Back in, Cheno goes for his bong, but Ray takes it instead and makes the critical error of tossing it into the crowd. Listen, Billy, you don't make a drug addict angry by tossing his bong into the crowd. And, indeed, Cheno spears down Ray. Ray no-sells all of Cheno's offense and grabs the ring bell. He hits Cheno with it and legsweeps him, but Cheno counters a STOMP into a pin for the win at 3:53. And WHAT was this doing on PPV? *
- Sabastian Crow makes time with the Looney Tunes.
- TV Title Match, Last Blood: Ben Archer v. Sephiyra Reign v. Brian Blade
Reign and Blade are nobodies, Archer would win Major Push II and leave for Epic soon thereafter. Match, like many of the others before it, begins with a brawl in the aisle. Blade smacks Reign in the head with a chair, but Archer superkicks said chair in his face. He tries to superkick Reign, but Reign hits Rock Bottom instead. Reign gets a beer bottle, but Archer gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Blade bleeds, but gets a towel and wipes it off. Blade bulldogs Archer, and hits a spinebuster, then STUPIDLY goes for the cover. Archer gets his career killed by Blade... at least, that's the name of the move. But Reign breaks a bottle over his head, only for Archer to recover, hit the ArC, and take credit for Blade's bleeding to retain the title at 4:42. Reign would win the title from Archer later on, anyway. Match was decent for what it was, but if they had a little more time, the match could've been oodles better. **
- Extreme Title Contendership Match: The Mysterious Birdman 0¿0 v. Sebastian Crow
Welcome to Hell, as this is Crow's PPV debut. Crow is a horrible atrocity of a wrestler, that was pushed to the moon because he had "the look". And immediately does Crow piss me off by no-selling a German from the Birdman. Okay, the piped chants just can't hide the fact that the fans don't like Crow. Big boot from 0¿0, and the ref is bumped. Oh come ON. Crow DDTs Birdman and puts him in the Sharpshooter. Crow releases for some reason and grabs a steel chair, and Birdman kicks it into his face. Then, the Birdman AMAZES me by doing a MOTHERFUCKING ASAI MOONSAULT. Take into account that the Birdman is 6'10" and well over 300 pounds, and you've got one hell of a visual. Too bad Crow pisses me off(as usual) by being too much of a pussy to take it. Crow puts the Birdman in a Steiner Recliner, and for a second, it looks like a countout win. By the way, if this is for the EXTREME title contendership, shouldn't this be in Extreme rules ANYWAY? Birdman breaks the count and gets clotheslined. Birdman comes back with a bulldog, that gets two. Swinging neckbreaker by the Birdman, but Crow no-sells, puts him in the Sharpshooter, and Birdman taps at 4:54 to make Crow the number one contender. Birdman tried, but Crow's total bullshit made this really unwatchable. * just for Birdman's moonsault, though.
- Extreme Title Match: Dane Matthews v. Donnie Daze
Matthews won the title about three weeks before the PPV. Matthews was also one of Evan's lackeys, and Daze was a member of the second incarnation of Team CGI. Daze is, of course, my lord and saviour during this time. Matthews tries an early cheapshot, but Daze moves and Matthews hits himself with his own kendo stick. Daze superkicks him and grabs a lead pipe, but Dane simply catches him with a Greco-Roman kick in the nuts. Dane works Daze's leg with the pipe. He hits a quick piledriver and chokes, but Daze goes to the eyes. Slugfest, and Daze goes for a clothesline, but Dane counters into a neckbreaker. Daze comes back with a bulldog, and then grabs a chair. YEAH! Chairshot puts Dane on his back, then Daze climbs up to the top rope WITH THE CHAIR and hits him with the loudest chairshot of the night that draws blood. *Christ*. Unfortunately, my hero taunts him way too long, and Matthews scores with the Downtown Explosion for two. Dane goes insane and whacks Daze in the chest with the chair and follows up with a vicious spinebuster. Instead of doing the smart thing and pinning him, Dane gets a table instead. He tries for the Swanton through the table, but Daze moves. Daze goes for DaC, but Matthews elbows out, and Syphon Fission comes out for a chat. Death Plunge on Matthews, and then Fission sets the table on fire. Daze puts Matthews on top and hits a MOTHERFUCKING FURTHER PARALYSIS *THROUGH THE FLAMING TABLE*, and that's enough for the pin and the title at 8:42. Match was awesome until Fission's run-in, but WHAT a ending shot. ***¾ Matthews would win the World title from Fission a week later, however.
- World Tag Title Match, cage match: The Super Martin-O Brothers v. Smithright (Gunnar Smith and Samuel Potright)
Okay, I made that name up for the challengers. The Martins won the titles about three weeks before the PPV. Rana by Walter on Gunnar to start, followed by a leg lariat. "KMart-Sault" gets turned into a piledriver by Smith, however. Swinging neckbreaker by Potright on K-Mart gives the challengers control. Gunnar climbs, but K-Mart knocks him off, crotching Gunnar in the ropes. Potright hits Sky High on Walter. Potright deals with K-Mart, and Wal-Mart attempts another rana, only for Potright to powerbomb him right into K-Mart. That was quite the interesting spot. K-Mart comes back with an enzugiri on Potright. Wal-Mart climbs while K-Mart takes an elbow to the head from Smith. First "holy shit" moment of the match as Wal-Mart does a moonsault off the top of the cage. K-Mart and Potright continue to pummel each other until Wal-Mart superkicks him. The Martins climb, but Potright is behind them. This leads to the second "holy shit" spot of the match, as the challengers hit a DOUBLE FALLING PRICES OFF OF THE DAMN CAGE AND BACK INTO THE RING. K-Mart hurts his knee on that exchange, and Gunnar Smith recovers. He pounds on Wal-Mart and gets an arm-wringer, but Wal-Mart flips out of it and kicks Smith right in the nuts. Potright gets caught in the ropes, and Wal-Mart beats the shit out of him with a bamboo stick. Wal-Mart goes for the final blow, but Gunnar takes the bamboo stick from him and SMASHES it over Wal-Mart's head. Potright climbs, and K-Mart lowblows Gunnar AGAIN. Man, that man just isn't gonna have children after this match. Oddly, Gunnar no-sells it, and pounds on K-Mart. Wal-Mart charges, but takes the Perfection X-Press, and Potright climbs out to win the titles for Smithright at 10:21. That was quite the match, with two huge spots and good crowd heat. The Martins would become Matthews' lackeys not long after, before disappearing for good. A good, final PPV encounter for the Martins, though. ****
- Spaz and Steve Sullivan reform the Spaz Event. They wouldn't do much of anything, unfortunately.
- North American Title Match, Arizona Firewater: Joey Malone v. Jax Stone
This is a fairly famous match, as Joey Malone had just won the North American title and had to put it on the line against Stone, who kidnapped his girlfriend(and now wife), Keri. This match is like Kennel From Hell, except that there's water in the middle with explosives, weapons attached to the original cage, ladders up the Hell in a Cell to the top of the cage, and the NA title is hanging above the big cage which requires a ladder to go up. This is all Malone's idea, and the guy was just NUTS to even try it. Keri is handcuffed to the outer cell.
Mat wrestling to start, before Stone catches Joey with a quick powerslam. Malone counters the Elimination by lifting his head just as Stone's leg makes contact with Malone's head. That's pretty crazy, really. Pair of dropkicks by Malone, but Joey misses the Sureshot and gets dumped RIGHT on his head with a German suplex. Have I mentioned how crazy Malone really is? Stone picks up a push broom, but Malone picks up a biology book, and we know who wins that encounter. Malone gets hit in the head and beaten with a cane. More silly weapons get involved, but Pen gets in(Pen was Joey's manager until this match) and bitchslaps Stone. AWS Man reclaims Pen as Stone goes low on Malone. Joey flapjacks Stone and then breaks the first cage with a boulder. Yes. A boulder. Stone goes for a stunner, but Joey shoves him away and hits a loud chairshot on Stone's forehead. Joey climbs up the first cage and hits the first Holy Shit spot of the match with a swandive headbutt to Stone that triggers a double KO spot. Malone slips out of the cage first and lands in the water, and Joey climbs up the second cage. Stone follows, but Joey knocks him off and Stone lands on an explosive, triggering a second Holy Shit moment. Both of these guys are nuts. Stone recovers quickly, SOMEHOW, and tosses another explosive at Malone, knocking him off the cage on the other side. Stone uses the boulder to break the second cage and follow Malone out. Stone grabs a chair, but gets DDTed on it. Stone pretty much no-sells, which actually fits with the psychology, because Stone is a hardcore wrestler, and Joey is not. Malone eats ring bell, and Jax goes up with a ladder, but Malone stops him and Lionsaults him off of the railing. Neat spot. Stone powerbombs Malone on the concrete to fire back, but Keri stops him from climbing up the cage, and Malone pops him in the jaw with the ladder. Stone fires back with a lariat and looks to put Joey through a table, but some idiot fan knocks him off the ladder with a beer can. Both men end up at the top of the cell with the ladder and a slugfest erupts, won by Stone who powerbombs Malone again at the top of the cell. Malone tries to fight back, but in the biggest highspot of the match, Jax Stone Eliminates Malone OFF OF THE FUCKING CAGE AND THROUGH THE PAKISTANIAN ANNOUNCE TABLE. Jesus christ, both of these guys are nuts for trying that. The match goes... somewhere else.
Both guys spend a moment just laying down on the ground, before they get up at roughly the same time, worse for wear. Malone gets a fluke head-and-arms suplex, but Stone lowblows him with a flagpole and gets him with a Downward Spiral. Simonizer by Stone, followed closely with a lariat. Malone comes back with a flapjack into a vehicle, followed up with the Mad Cow Disease. Malone tries a springboard... bouldershot, but Stone tosses a chair in Joey's path to stop him. Exploder by Malone, and the match goes elsewhere. A crowd tramples Joey and Jax. Joey somehow recovers first and Jerkerolizes Jax. The match goes elsewhere again, and Jax Evenflows Joey. Man. Joey's just taking a beating. Neckbreaker by Joey, but Jax is up first and he beats the hell out of Joey some more. Both men end up on the top of the Hell in a Cell part of the Firewater cage, and Stone German suplexes Joey in a dangerous spot, as the roof of the cell nearly broke. And indeed, Malone spears Stone and the roof breaks, sending both men into the ring. Malone gets the Aurora Borealis suplex and Jax begs off, only to piledrive Joey, then just cleans Joey's clock with a steel chair. Tiger Driver by Jax, but Joey manages a low blow and a Capture suplex. Another powerslam by Stone, and he goes up. Joey knocks him off and tries the Creedence Headbutt again, but Joey lands on a steel chair. That's one clean clock Joey's got. Joey's bladejob is about .6 Muta by now, as well. Stone crawls out of the cage, but Joey grabs his foot and gets a fisherman's buster. But Stone is just a lot for Joey, as Stone comes back with a sambo suplex, seated crucifix powerbomb, and a Sky High. Joey should be clinically DEAD at this point, but he just seems to take his beating like a sponge. Finally, Joey gets the Attention Deficit Disorder DDT, and climbs out of the first cage. A sign of a good bladejob: The water turns red as soon as Joey falls into it. Both men end up at the top again. Malone gets a brainbuster, but Stone DVDs him after a moment. Stone looks to finish the job with another powerbomb, but Joey Cataclysms him, sending Stone through the cage and into an explosive, and that's enough for Joey to climb up the ladder and put this match at an end at 42:34 to retain the North American title. I need a vacation after that one. This match made Joey's career, and while it was a spotfest, it all led up dramatically and Joey took a shitkicking. Unfortunately, that last Cataclysm injured Stone so badly that he had to retire not long after the match, but it was one hell of a match to go out on. *****
- IWO World Title Match: Syphon Fission v. LiGiL v. AWS Man (also known as Bill)
I hope AWS Man has his miracle boots on. Evan Levine and Jamie Kosoy are reffing this match, the man that makes the pin will have control of the company. I have to say... that's an interesting stip. Fission is trying to be the next Kell at this point, and trust me, to say he failed would be like saying that the Vietnam War went bad for America. AWS Man gets a quick dropkick on Fission, and LiGiL gets in a jawbreaker. Fission with mounted punches on LiGiL, but Levine pulls him off. AWS Man rolls up Fission for a quick two, but Kosoy is all "NO, BITCH, NO FAST COUNT". LiGiL with a German on AWS Man, but Fission gets a neckbreaker on LiGiL. AWS Man with a bulldog lariat on Fission to come back, and he locks in a figure four leglock. However, the match can only end in a pinfall(so the Levine/Kosoy thing can be settled). LiGiL gets a top rope splash on both men, though, and he piledrives AWS Man. LiGiL goes out to grab something, and Fission gets a slingshot legdrop from inside to out on AWS Man. LiGiL goes for the Palindrome on the floor on Fission, but AWS Man crotches him on the barricade. In a neat spot, AWS Man gets a Cutter on LiGiL while he's still crotches, and LiGiL lands on Fission. AWS Man covers, and gets a pair of ones and a two, as Kosoy and Levine fight over who pins. This is like two matches in one. Fission with a chairshot to the back of AWS Man, and then he DDTs AWS Man onto the chair. LiGiL hits Fission with an Arabian Facebuster to break, then Palindromes him into a few chairs. That only gets two. How in the HELL is that supposed to only get two? The man was DVDed through two chairs and the concrete floor. God, I hate Fission during his Kell period. AWS Man attacks LiGiL and suplexes him on the ladder that's leaning against the ring apron. AWS Man sets up a table, and of course LiGiL powerbombs him through it a few moments later. Then, in a neat spot, Fission tornado DDTs LiGiL through one of the broken pieces of the table, breaking IT. That is quite insane. Levine refuses to make the count, so Jamie counts, and it gets two when Levine breaks it up. Fission gets a fisherman suplex on AWS Man, but neither referee counts. LiGiL busts open Fission with barbed wire, but AWS Man hits LiGiL with a full nelson slam, but it ends up cutting AWS Man's arm and he sells it. Fission gets Payback about a year before he actually starts calling it Payback, but Levine takes it from Syphon and LiGiL lowblows him. AWS Man comes FLYING over the top rope with a pescado, taking both men down. Back in, sunset flip is blocked by AWS Man and LiGiL comes in and attacks both men with his barbed wire-wrapped arm. He's hardcore! He's hardcore!
LiGiL only gets two, so LiGiL clotheslines Fission out of the ring and Fission lands right on a ladder bridged between the ring and the rail. AWS Man is then backdropped on top of Fission, and then LiGiL climbed to the top rope and splash both men, putting them both THROUGH THE LADDER. Ho-lee sheet. AWS Man finds a sheet of glass under the ring(what is THAT doing under the ring?) and hits LiGiL with it. Fission tries to use the fire extinguisher on AWS Man, but Levine's all "NO BITCH" and takes it from him. Then Fission sets the ring on fire with a FLAME THROWER. Okay, this man should be arrested for arson. Now. LiGiL gets the Palindrome on AWS Man, and Fission Death Plunges both Levine and LiGiL, and Tom Ford comes out of the crowd to make the pin at 29:42 for Fission to retain the title. While the concept behind this match was interesting, it took away from the match. LiGiL basically carried the match and did a good job, though, which is kind of surprising, since LiGiL usually needs a good opponent(like AWS Man) to have a good match. Still, a good match to cap off the evening, but to follow the North American title match was like sending these guys out to die. ***½
GET THIS SHOW. GET IT NOW. With five matches at over ***½, you'd be STUPID not to watch this PPV. Sure, it has Sabastian Crow's crap on it, but dammit, MALONE/STONE! MARTINS/SMITHRIGHT! DAZE/WARS! What can make you NOT get this show?